View Full Version : TYhis is all new to me help......

07-12-2003, 03:34 PM
I was called by my mom while on vaction my 21 year old son was in jail. We have had trouble with him on and off since he was 15. He has been off drugs now for 3 years which is good. It is such a long story all we had gone though. We have just spent thousands of dollars of him to get custody of his 2 year olld daughter. Over the years with drug rehab boot camp and lawyer fees we must have gone though tens of thousands of dollars. He is not a bad kid. Just someone who will always get caught. We have not bailed him out this time. He had sex with a 15 year old girl who said she was 16 seems she would have been 1 month from now. Son was already on parole for a assult charge so into jail he went. We have not bailed him out and don't know if we willl. Talking to lawyer Monday. He has applied for a Public Defender if we choose not to pay this time. HELP I feel so guilty and feel like i want to die like now! Pam:(

07-12-2003, 03:39 PM
I learned from experience that when we bail our kids out of trouble, they start thinking we always will. The very best thing that ever happened to my youngest daughter was when we couldn't do it anymore. It was very traumatic, scary and sad for us all when she went to prison, but it probably saved her life. And she's on the right track now.

07-12-2003, 03:44 PM

Welcome to PTO! I'm glad you found us.... It's hard as parents, but we need to do our darndest to not enable them and yet support them... We're here for you...


07-12-2003, 03:59 PM
Pam, Welcome to PTO!

I wish I could say more to help with your anguish. I was through this several years ago with my niece. It is a rough road to travel. Talk to your lawyer on Monday and see what he recommends.

The best thing now, whether you do decide to help him with lawyer fees or not, is to support him emotionally.

Let him know that you love him, no matter the current circumstances, that he finds himself in.

The next few months/years, as I am sure you know, are going to be rough, but you will make it through this, and so will he. Take it one day at a time.

I felt much like you do now, when my niece went down, my guilt over her arrest and conviction eventually led to me buying some prison time as well, so set back and let the lawyer or the Public Defender do their job, but, keep an eye on them to make sure they do it right.

From what you have said, you have done a good job of support and trying to help your son.

So, as for your guilt, I understand it, but, it is not yours to bear.

I guess what I am trying to say is Hang in there! Be there for him with love and the care of his mother. That is about all you can do sometimes.

Take care and God Bless you and your son,


PS: I hope I made sense.

07-12-2003, 07:36 PM
Yes, by all means do let him know you love and support him, but that you just can't keep bailing him out of trouble.

07-12-2003, 08:37 PM
Thank you for all of your support. I felt like I was the only one out there although I know it wasn't true. Do you think I should get a lawyer or let the Public Defender take his case? I am really confused on this matter. I really don't want him to get out of jail at least he would not be getting into anymore trouble but would like him to have the best kind of defense. Does this make sense? Pam

07-12-2003, 09:06 PM

This will be your call, of course, but he is 21, at some point he has to learn, that one harsh reality of life, that we all have to learn at some point.

That we at some point have to stand on our own two feet, and take responsibility for ourselfs and our actions.

I'm not saying don't support him with your love, but as toi ama said "you can't keep bailing him out of trouble".

Some of the hardest lessons are the hardest to learn, and for a parent, it is the hardest to teach. Believe me I know!

You will worry for him, you will cry for him, but maybe it is time for him to learn this lesson.

I can't advise you, nor would I, on the lawyer.

Just, remember there are a few PDs out there that are half way decent and I few lousy lawyers as well, that I can personally attest too!

Bless you and take care. Hope to see you around PTO some more.


07-12-2003, 11:23 PM
Hi Pam ... WELCOME to PTO and the family ... as you are seeing, you will find oodles of caring and supportive folks here ... as a Mama with a Son inside, first let me say, I know what you are going through and it is not an easy situation nor a cut and dry one ... since you have asked, if it were me, I would get him an attorney (making some sort of contract with him that he is too pay this back, perhaps since he is of age, the attorney will work the financial with him directly) being sure it is one who knows his stuff in this area ... I have seen too many court appointed attorneys who do nothing to defend their clients, remember, they are paid by the "enemy" ... your Son is facing a very serious offense that may land him in prison ... granted, he is a big boy now, and it certainly sounds as though he has formed a habit of bad decisions ... but I would hate to see such a young person end up in prison for #1) a girl lied about her age (in TX it is 17) #2) have a tag the rest of his life of being a sex offender and having to register on public record ... as for being in jail now ... let him sit till he goes to court ... make that a deal between you and the attorney that he has to sit it out ... it will give him an idea of what he faces in his future if he doesn't straighten up ... good luck in what ever you decide ... my thoughts and prayers will be with you both ...

07-13-2003, 03:02 AM
As the mother of a son who is inside, I can tell you that they need to learn their own life lessons, no matter how hard that is for us. We had to learn the hard way and if we keep bailing them out, they will never grow up and learn the lessons life has to teach. Even though some of those lessons are as hard on us as they are on our children.
Let him know you love him and always will, support him as much as you can emotionally and be there when he needs you. That is all you can do for your adult children. I learned that from experience.

07-13-2003, 10:54 AM
My phone rang at 5:30 a.m. my first thoughts were what has he done in jail. It was my son calling collected . The only time he gets out to call is between 5:30 a.m. and 7 a.m. It was a very emotional time. I did tell him I loved him and would be in soon. I could tell he was trying not to loose it himself. Of course we went though how sorry he was and how he loved all of us.
One other question if I may. His sister who is 14 is having a very hard time with this hates him and never wants to see him again. She is suppose to go away to a basketball camp next Sunday and is now refusing. Do I make her or not. She has always been active and now just sits. Pam

07-14-2003, 03:02 PM

I'm really hesitant to advise you on your daughter, for you know her best.

Last fall when I went to trial, I still sent my 17 year old to Israel, even though she did not want to go. She is still having a blast!


07-14-2003, 07:56 PM
Thanks for the help. My daughter seems to be coming around. Talk to a lawyer today and feel better. Still not bailing him out although my sister wants to pay for the lawyer. The lawyery said he would try to keep him out of state penn and keep him in country jail if we deceide to retain him. Pam

07-14-2003, 08:20 PM
Good luck Pam,it's so hard to know what would be best for your son.I started out by bailing my son out.I guess I did the wrong thing for him as he continued to get into trouble.Then he started doing things that I couldn't get him out of.Now, and for the past several years he's been in prison.All any of us can do is the best we can.

07-15-2003, 06:13 AM
Thank you Valerie. I to have been bailing my son out of trouble since he was a teen. The courts sent him to boot camp and I agreed to see if that would straighten him out. He has not really done anything that bad. Just make stupid choices. He has manages to get himself off drugs and stay off for about 3 years now. All the charges he has against him then were the result of the drugs. The only other charge he has since then was when a man called his then wife a name. This current charge makes me angry in a way as she was 1 month from the her 16 birthday age of consent in Pa. Her mother knew what was going on. It just happen the mom was in a bad mood this night her daughter didn't do what was asked of her a fight started neighbors called the cops. The mom in her emotion let everything spill and that was it. This is what I have been told still haven't been able to see my son. She knew her daughter was like almost livving with my son they went away for a long weekend with her permission. Our lawyer did say doesn't matter if the mom knows and doesn't want to press charges it is a crime against the state. I work in a middle school and let me tell you some of those 7th and 8th grade girls act and dress like they are alot older. Have boyfriends who are older. My son happen to get caught as he does with everything. Thanks for letting me vent. Pam

07-15-2003, 10:22 AM
Pam - just something to son was defended by a PD who was committed to the case, and to my son and his welfare, and to doing his very best for him. In an impossible situation, he did as well as anyone could have. My choices were pretty limited because it would have been very hard at the time to find the money to pay a private attorney. We've also had a PD for the appeal - and he won! So I've had very good experiences with court appointed attorneys - just in case you decide to go that route.
Good luck!
- Jane

07-15-2003, 11:59 AM
Dear Pam,
My thoughts and prayers are with you, I have a son in prison for vary simular charges, and he used the PD, and the only things that the PD did for him is get him to sign a plea bargin, they used scare tactics on him, we were all new to this sort of thing, and the PD that was defending my son had 80 cases layed on his desk and was told to get plea bargins on all 80 or he would be fired. He admitted this in the hearing my son had for a post conviction. And the PD told my son for us to pool our money together and hire a laywer, which we did. But the courts are so backed up here that by the time we had the appearls infront of the appealent judge my son would be home. I know that there are some good PD out there, that really do care about people. But this one was a green horn and rather thatn defend his client the best that he could he prefered to protect his job and get plea's This is ashame, but it happens every day. All I can say is do what you think is right. But talk to an attorney and even talk to a PD and then make your choice, even though you may go with a PD you can always change your mind and go with a paid attorney. God Bless you and your family. Most of us here can really relate to all of this.

07-15-2003, 02:46 PM
Thanks Jane. We have deceided to go the private lawyer route. I have been told our PD here are really good though so if it comes down to it we might end up that route. Stilll have not be able to see my son and tomrrow it will be a week. Is this normal?

I know what you mean being new to this I have no idea what to expect. I don't like that i can see or talk to my son. Pam