My daughter and I arrived at the court house and met with my lawyer. He was still very confident of a conditional sentence but I was prepared, I thought, for not coming home. I had turned down the heat at home, taken out the garbage, fed the fish - all those things you do when you are going away. I had packed my prescription meds in a bag (and no you can't take them in with you!), put cash in my pocket, given my daughter my purse and my ring. So away we go. One last hug and kiss for my daughter and into the box I go. It was a big courtroom and I was so far away from the bench I watched some of it on the monitor as I couldn't see the expression on the judge's face. Crown made his argument for 2 - 3 years, my lawyer made his for a conditional sentence and it got stood down for awhile while other matters were dealt with. Then, deep breath, here we go. The judge started talking and it sounded for awhile like I just might be going home. Then he said he didn't agree with either and while he accepted that I was a good person led astray I still had to take responsibility (in that he was absolutely correct). 8 months was all I heard and my heart went to my toes. I couldn't even turn around and look at my daughter's lovely face. I fought back the tears as I was led through the door. The guards were very nice and told me I would be OK as they led me through being searched and my effects recorded. Then it was into a holding cell to wait for transport. I'm extremely claustrophobic and stepping into that cell was so hard. When I heard the door close behind me I felt the panic and curled up on the bench fighting to breathe. They brought me a blanket and a hamburger lunch which I couldn't eat. I was lucky - when they searched me they missed my watch so I kept myself grounded by knowing the time and they had told me approx when I would be moved. A few hours later they came and took me out of the cell, handcuffed and shackled me and a short time later it was into the van. Another very claustrophobic situation made bearable by being able to see out of the window and by having other women in there to talk to. It's a balancing act to ride like that. You are basically in a metal cage with nothing to hang on to and you slide all over the place. All I know is that I'm headed to Surrey Pre-Trial and I worry about what it's going to be like there. We arrive at Surrey and the cuffs and shackles are removed. We are told to strip and shower. Modesty goes out the window but I've never been uncomfortable with that. It's freezing cold and the water shuts off after a few seconds and you have to keep pushing the button. I'm told to bend over and then given clothes to put on. The shoes are too small and I'm told they'll give me other ones later. (they never did). Into a holding cell until we're taken upstairs. It's seems such a maze - down hallways, through locked doors, in an elevator. Finally to a cell. Because there are no beds available we're put into segregation cells where you're locked in 23 hours of the day. Fortunately for me I was put into a cell with another woman (who was in seg for fighting). God bless that woman. She kept me sane!! She listened to me cry, gave me good advice, she even made me laugh. I slept on a mattress on the floor. It seemed forever till the morning and they unlocked the cell for our hour out. I got my phone card and tried to set it up. No idea what I was doing so she helped me. Unfortunately something went wrong with the setup and it wouldn't work. Against all rules she put through a call to my daughter for me so I could let her know I was OK and that I would call her back as soon as I could. This woman took a risk to do that and I will be forever grateful for that. It was only days later that I found out she could have been in a lot of trouble.
I'll continue this in the next post as it's turning into a book!!

Shortly after our hour out I was told to get my stuff together, I was being moved to a unit. Off I go with my short-handled toothbrush, tiny tube of toothpaste, small bar of soap, my towel and my bedding. I walk into this room where all these women are looking at me. I was so scared but held my head up and smiled at them. Some smiled back. I was in a cell with a young woman who was also very nice to me. I wasn't there very long - seemed like I had barely got the bed made and I was told to gather up my stuff I was moving again. I had just met a few of the women and was starting to settle in a bit. I asked why and was told they had to move someone off another unit. So here I go again - into another room of strangers. They tell me which cell I'm in and I go to the door and say Hi I'm Sue I guess I'm your new roommate. She says like f**k you are. Very welcoming. (She later came to Allouette and greeted me like a long lost friend, lol, I didn't remind her of her rudeness) Anyway, after a bunch of moves were done I was put into a cell with a young woman - younger than my children. She drove me crazy!! Couldn't sleep unless the TV was on and paced the cell during every lockdown! Nice girl but oh my Lord give me a break!!!
During the week 6 lockdowns during the day ranging from 1/2 hour to 2 hours - unlocked at 7am and locked down for the night at 9:45pm. Weekends there were only 5 lockdowns but we kept locked from 9:45pm until 10am. Sometimes if there was trouble somewhere we'd have extra or longer lockdowns. Hard to even get a game of cards in to pass the time. Yard time was only 1 hour per day and never at the same time or the same yard. I didn't get my meds for the first couple of days and my blood pressure went up pretty high. The COs there were pretty much OK. You have to get a razor from them when you went to the shower and return it when you were done. Paper and envelopes were provided and mail to other institutions was free and you got to mail 7 letters free a week to the outside. I tried to sleep a lot as there wasn't much else to do. The whole hour in the yard I walked laps around the yard non stop in my too small shoes. The food was horrible, undercooked chicken being the one thing that comes to mind, and everything was always cold. Oh and a lot of bologna sandwiches. I barely ate anything which made me pretty popular - they were standing in line to get my food! I spent a lot of time crying there. I put in a request to go to Allouette to work and on my 6th day I was transferred there thank God!! It meant being handcuffed and shackled and riding in another cage in a van but it was worth it.

One memory comes to mind there. I was told to report to records. No idea where that is or how to get there. Sent out the door into the maze totally lost. After taking a wrong turn this voice comes over the speaker. Come on what are you stupid? I apologized and said I have no idea where to go, I'm new here. I felt so humiliated and it stuck with me. That's the one and only time I ever felt treated less than human and there was no call for it at all.

To be continued next post.

After 6 days at Surrey Pre-Trial I'm told I'm going to Alouette. I have mixed feelings about it but a couple of girls I had gotten to know a bit had already gone and I was being moved with another from my unit who said she'd help me. We're moved downstairs into a holding cell where we wait for a very long time - we get a bag lunch - more bologna sandwiches and an orange and a very tiny juice box. The toilet is so disgusting and there's no toilet paper. I'm still having trouble being able to use the "facility" in front of 6 other women but have no choice. The guard brings a roll of toilet paper and we take turns as it could be a long time before we're able to go again. Finally we're on the move. Back into the cage in the van - this time squished in with others - at least we can't fly around so much!! We arrive at Alouette and it looks like a beautiful place - kind of like a resort! We change clothes and are led to health care where we're checked for lice and asked about medical conditions. I was very popular - I had cigarettes in my effects but by the time we walked to health care my pack was getting pretty empty. I couldn't say no - some of the girls hadn't had a smoke in months. We're given our phone cards and room keys and ushered out the door. We're not told anything about the routine there - it's left to us to figure it out. The girl off my unit is to be my roommate so at least there's someone familiar. The unit houses 23 women and has a large common area with all the rooms opening into it. At one end is a "kitchen" - fullsize fridge, microwave, coffeemaker and kettle. The washroom has 4 sinks with mirrors, 3 showers, a bathtub and 4 stalls. We're locked down for count not long after I arrive. I find out the hard way that if the light is green above the door it means it's locked. I find humor in that - green means stop! When we're locked we're still free to come out of our rooms into the common area. I find it pretty scary - afraid to make a wrong move and get into trouble. I spend quite a bit of time in my room in tears. My roommate knows a lot of women there so she's out visiting. Thanks to the girls on the unit I'm able to get the routine down pretty quickly. Everyone works - if you don't go to work you get confined in your unit and after so many times you get sent back to Surrey. We all start in horticulture - my first day was spent with a metal rake - breaking the surface of the ground and picking rocks and weeds. By the end of the day I'm in so much pain from my arthritis I can hardly walk back to the unit. The work day is from 8:30 - 10, 10:15 - 11:30, 1 to 2, 2:15 - 3:30 so it's not really harsh. For that they pay the princely sum of 2.50 per day. I put in a "pink" request form asking for a different workplace and a health care request for meds for my arthritis. (Takes 2 weeks before I finally see the doctor). They move me to unit cleaning and that's what I did for the rest of my time. I am the oldest inmate there!! The work week is from Monday - Friday with a 2 1/2 hr lock on Thurs afternoons that they call rest and relaxation but is really staff training time. You can get out of the unit to go to yoga or relaxation exercises but most choose to sleep.
My first roommate was being so nice to me because she knew I had money and was expecting me to support her as well as myself. It took me awhile to figure that out and once I did I took a deep breath and confronted her. She was in for less than a month and I had a lot longer to go and had to make my money last. She seemed to understand but was pretty distant with me after that. My next roommate was a very young girl - 21 - who wanted to go back to Surrey because she didn't want to work. She spent all her time in bed with the lights off and I ended up staying out of the room a lot. By this time I had made an awesome friend so it wasn't so difficult. My friend was rolling my smokes for me as I'd never done it before and I really sucked at it! She noticed that my tobacco seemed to be disappearing a lot faster than it should have. So I set a trap for my roommate and she sprang it. To be sure I set another and same result. I agonized over what to do - I'm not good with confrontation. I finally told her I knew she had been stealing from me and she adamantly denied it. Finally the night before she was leaving for court (which meant going back to Surrey for a couple of days) she lit a smoke in our room in the middle of the night right before the guard's round. Of course the guard's smelled it and came in our room. They were going to charge both of us because she wouldn't admit it was her. In the morning I told a couple of the girls what had happened and they were so angry they went to her and told her she had better go to the "bubble" and tell the truth and apologize to me. She did the right thing in the end and when she apologized I told her that she had better start thinking hard about how her actions affected others. On her way into the van back to Surrey she called one of the COs a retard and the other a goof. As the CO (who happened to be my case manager) told me later - that little girl was damn lucky she was going back to Surrey. lol
I had my room to myself for a whole week after that - it was heaven!! Short lived though as when one of my friends came back from court she was put in with me. So the rest of my stay was good with her.
It was awful for the girls going to court - they would have to go the day before and stay until the day after. Transports were only 3 days a week. When they came back more often than not their beds had been given away and they ended up with a new roommate. A couple of weeks ago they changed that and now the sheriff's transport to court and back the same night. They leave at 6:30pm and return by about 6 pm. Makes for a long day in holding cells but it's better than going back to Surrey. They are in the process of moving all the women out of Surrey which will be a good thing.
There is a gym, library, outdoor volleyball court and an arts & crafts room there. The library was rarely open - at times I wondered why they even had it. A couple of girls got caught "making out" in the library and it was closed for a couple of weeks solid. I never went to Art & Crafts - from what I saw the girls got to paint their nails there and make stuff out of donated cards (used ones), buttons, etc and it was not very exciting. Sort of like a kindergarten class. The gym had weight equipment and was also where bingo was held on Sat nights. Chapel service was held on Sun at 5:30pm - I went once and it was mostly singing and reading a couple of verses. The chaplain is a wonderful guy - I had a one-on-one counselling session with him as he had received an email saying I was having a very hard time. Never did find out who sent it to him but I suspect it might have been health care. He is a most caring man. There is a church organization that has volunteer visitors - called W2. I had a lady visit me every second Monday night and she was amazing. No preaching was allowed - the purpose is to give us some contact with the outside and somebody nonjudgemental to talk to.
Food sucked! lol So much bread - breakfast and lunch and 8 pm snack. If I see any more peas, corn, and cabbage I think I'll vomit!! Soup everyday at lunch - it was usually really good. Fruit every couple of days. Powdered milk for supper. 2 cups of coffee a day. Juice for breakfast and lunch. A tea bag at 8 pm. Canteen was expensive and there was nothing on it that really appealed to me - stuff like Kraft dinner, tuna, rice. A pound of coffee cost 5.19. Envelopes were .10 each - there were 3 weeks where they didn't even have any!
Health care leaves a lot to be desired. They messed up my meds 3 times. Wrong dosages, refills not on time despite putting in the request a week before running out. Because of that my blood pressure went very high each time and then they had to monitor it and give me extra stuff to bring it down quickly. My roommate had an abcessed tooth - nothing was done for 3 weeks! She put in so many health care requests and they did nothing. Finally she put on the bottom referred by lawyer and got called in right away. Lots of other stories - those are just ours.
Programs are a bit of a joke as well - they ARE available but they don't give you any information on them. You have to find that stuff out for yourself. By the time I got called in to Sentence Management to discuss my options I was already on the wait list for the Emotions Management program which I did complete shortly before my parole date. Had I waited for them I doubt I would have been able to get in at all. There are some good people working hard for inmates. The welfare worker is awesome - she researched counselling places for me and made it possible for me to have something lined up before I got out. There is an Elder that comes in 4 times a week and does stuff with the Native Americans. Anyone can go but I never did because I can't handle so many people in one place and the noise. The inmates loved her and looked forward to her coming.
Well I can't think of anything else. All in all it was an experience! I felt like I was on a rollercoaster ride most of the time - so many ups and downs. It is what you make of it and I tried to use it as a learning experience. I think I've grown as a person - I've learned a lot about being assertive, patience (everything there is hurry up and wait! :) ). I had a lot of time to reflect - sometimes painful, sometimes happy.
I WON'T BE GOING BACK!!!!!

Tomorrow was my parole hearing. I was so nervous I thought I wouldn't be able to sleep. Thoughts were racing through my mind. Everyone had been telling me for a few days I would get it - first offence, home to go to, family support, no trouble inside. I wasn't so sure. It was so hard not to be excited and to keep myself grounded and prepared for the worst. I wondered what the parole board members would be like. I had been warned that they would push buttons trying to get you to react. I slept fairly well and the first thing I wanted to do when I woke up was throw up. lol They had told me to have my daughter and son-in-law there by 10:30 am. There was one hearing before mine and I should be going up by about 11. I did my work cleaning the unit but I was so distracted!! At 10 when I went for coffee break I looked in the parking lot and my daughter's car was there. I got so emotional I cried. I hadn't seen her since my sentencing day and I couldn't wait to hug her. They had told me I could have a short visit with them before the hearing and they could wait with me for the decision. So I waited and waited and waited (remember I mentioned in my last post about the hurry up and wait? lol) Finally just when we got unlocked after count for lunch I heard my name being called to SMU. I took a deep breath and headed for the office - all the way there girls were hugging me and wishing me luck. I caught up with my daughter and son-in-law just as they were being shown inside. OMG I cried and held her and kissed her and it was so wonderful. I didn't want to let go. I hugged him too. We sat and talked and after awhile they came for us. They're ready for you. Deep breath and off we go. They explained that they would say some stuff for the record and ask me questions. I could have my supporters be participants or observers but I had to say which now. We decided to have my daughter participate. And so it started. I can't remember half of what was asked or answered but it was brutal. They concentrated mostly on my relationship with ringo as it is felt that if it wasn't for him I wouldn't have been there. In that they are right but they also do not know or understand the circumstances and the life we've built in the 3 years on bail. I was aware that they could put a no contact order on us and was praying they wouldn't. They came right out and asked me what I would do if they did. I told them that I had been thinking about that for some time and that it would be a hard decision for me to make. I said that I might have to consider staying until my release date. Anyway, I did get emotional and cry during the hearing - so did my daughter. People told me not to but I think in the end it helped more than hurt. They sent us out while they deliberated. So out we go to wait and wait. I had to go to the washroom and so I left to go back to the unit. All the way there I was getting hugs and calls of "did you get it?" When I got back to the office we just sat - my daughter held my hand. It seemed like forever - they had said 1/2 hour and now it was an hour. Finally they called us in and apologized for the delay - the printer wouldn't work - she said she would just read the decision and I'd have to trust them to have the papers for me to sign later in the day. So - now for the decision she says. Well I kind of gasped and took a deep breath - holding my daughter's hand on one side and my son-in-laws on the other. She said to me it's ok it's good news. I started crying and didn't stop until I was out of that room. She read and read and read. I was waiting for her to say no contact with ringo and she didn't. I was crying so hard I could hardly thank them. They had actually been really nice through the hearing and seemed to be happy for me that they were letting me go home.
OMG - I WAS GOING HOME. I got to sit with my daugher and son-in-law for a short time after the hearing - until I got myself under control and the plan was made for my son-in-law to pick me up the following morning at 11am. Then it was back to the unit and more hugs, tears and good wishes.

Wow Sue! What a story. You did a very good job of capturing the emotions you felt with your words. I feel that as I was reading it I felt a little bit of what you must have felt. I commend you for coming out of your experience so strong and coming back to us so soon! Thank you for sharing with us.

Erin

I had a hard time sleeping my last night there. So many thoughts, happy and sad. It was going to be bittersweet to go home for 2 reasons. One was that ringo wouldn't be there - but I would finally be able to talk to him on the phone again. The other was these 22 women had been my family for the last 3 months. Some I really grew to love, others were tolerated but all were special. My best friend there had been released a few days before and I was already missing her like crazy. One of the girls gave me a pair of doilies she had beaded and a lovely card. I was also given a card with messages written by some of the girls on the unit. I started to sort through my belongings - meagre as they were. I gave most of it away to a girl that had come back in and had nothing. I lovingly packed away my letters that I had received while I was there - they had been read and reread so many times!! I packed up my clothes - glad to see the last of them! Cleaned and disinfected my side of the room. I walked my 1/2 mile (4 times around the track). Time crawled along so slowly. Girls kept coming and giving me hugs. I had private words with some of the most supportive ones. So many tears. Finally at 5 to 11 I hear my name called to Ops. I grab my garbage bag of effects and head out. I can't stop smiling. The CO took me in and gave me my own clothes and shoes. She did a quick search of my effects. Not much in there but papers. I go into a holding cell for the last time and change clothes. Fumble fingers putting my laces back into my shoes - NO MORE VELCRO!! lol She came and got me and gave me my parole papers and we go outside. I have to walk the length of the camp. Everyone was yelling goodbye. We get to the gate and my son-in-law is NOT there. lol He was about 10 minutes late - a very long 10 minutes. Finally the CO opens the gate and we walk to the next one. She says don't cry or I will. I said don't worry I'm not going to cry! Ha! As soon as the gate opened and I stepped through I started bawling like a baby. I turned back and shook her hand and see that she's all teary too. We both laugh and I walk into my son-in-law's hug. He has 2 bottles of Pepsi for me and the latest Stephen King book. The gate clangs shut and I get into the car. We head off down the road and I'm overwhelmed when we get into traffic. It's so noisy and busy!! We go straight to my apartment about an hour and a half away and I put on my jeans - I've lost a few pounds and they aren't even tight anymore. :) Then off to the parole office. Sad news there - I'm not allowed to associate with known criminals which means I'm can't write to the girls I left behind. They've made an exception for ringo as we're common-law. We go to my daughter's workplace and out to Subway for lunch. The smells give me a headache - I haven't smelled perfume, etc. for a long time. Back to their apartment to pick up my car which has a dead battery. Luckily the battery pack in the trunk still has enough power to start the car. I drive home and as I'm unlocking the door I start to cry again. I AM HOME!!! My apartment is so dusty and smells bad from being closed up but I don't care! Later ringo calls and I am drowning in emotion. It's so good to hear his voice. He's so happy I'm home and safe. He's proud of how I came through and tells me how strong I am. I'm going to need that strength in the next little while. I've come home to an empty bank account and no job. Fortunately we have a credit card with nothing on it as I'm going to have to take cash advances to tide me over until my EI starts or I find another job whichever comes first. I'm no stranger to financial struggle and I'll handle this as well. ringo is going for day parole in May although we're not sure whether it will be to a halfway house or home. When he gets out he can go right back to work and we'll be fine. We'll be going for counselling as well.
Bless you all for your support. I hope to be able to do the same for others here. I'll keep you posted as things happen. Good or bad! I love you all.
Sue

Sue- Again I am in tears! Thanks so much for sharing this with all of us- as LovinJus said you really captured your emotions. Alouette does sound like a very decent place. Did you have any kind of trouble with any of the other women there-intimidation,threats etc? How are you feeling now- are you finding it hard to make decisions/choices?

There was a lot of backstabbing and cliquey type stuff happening there. For some reason some of the girls felt very protective of me and kind of let it be known that nobody better mess with me. lol I think I reminded them of their mothers. I was really careful not to gossip although at times found myself caught up in it. Stories flew around pretty fast and by the time it got to the end it was far removed from the truth. Also, in a way it's too bad smoking is allowed there - for those who are fortunate enough to have any come canteen day it's nonstop harrassment for the loan of a smoke or a drag even from women who had never spoken to you before. I learned to say no fairly quickly - except for those who I knew would return the favor or pay back when they got some. On the other hand - to deny smoking would be horrible - there's not much else to do and I think it would be especially hard on those coming off of drugs. I only met 3 women there that didn't smoke and one of those was so fed up with the hassle she quit while she was there.
I haven't ventured out of the apartment much yet. I had to go to the bank machine yesterday and made the mistake of going before I had charged the car battery. I walked across to the mall to get smokes and had a panic attack in there. It was so crowded and noisy I got the smokes and pretty much ran out the door. I've had to make some decisions already and have been able to cope with that. I'm having trouble talking myself into going out though. I just came back in from putting the charged battery back in the car so now I have no excuse!! I have to go out tomorrow to do some business and I have to start looking for work so just going to have to bite the bullet and do it! I've used the excuse (although a valid one) that I had to get my apartment cleaned up and back in order. In truth I'm a little afraid to go out!
Some women get a welfare cheque when they are released - I didn't qualify. I'm not sure why and I was told to go to my "home" office. I am fortunate that I have access to some money although it will have to be repaid when we're back on our feet. I can certainly understand why some people re-offend. Although my offence is one that was unique and not money related, it is certainly NOT helpful to put people back on the street empty handed. Having no funds when released would I'm sure drive some to get some any way they can.