I'm facing this terrible dilemma and I don't know what to do. You all probably already know, Steven my fiance has five years left in a state prison. He was well known on the street and a lot of rumors were spread when he was out there doing his thing (hustling).

I wanted my old neighbor to watch my daughter for me the night before so I can visit Steven yesterday. When I got there, we were talking and everything and I asked her if she remember him and I told her we were engaged. She nearly snapped on me! She said that he used to beat his women and he wasn't sh*t and he's just using you so he can have a place to go when he got out. I told him about it and he was calm. He discussed why she probably thought that but it all wasn't true.

To make a long story short, I believe him but I don't want to marry him and have everyone hating me because I made the wrong desicison. I love him so much and I want him to be my husband but I care about what other people think of me and I don't want them to think of me as being stupid. What should I do?

Another dilemma I'm facing is that he is shorter than me (I'm 5'11 and he's about 5'6). We took a picture together yesterday and I look HUGE compared to him. I'm going to post the picture online tonight. Should I care about our height differences and what people think about him and his past?

I'm sorry to be running at the mouth but I have no one else to talk to and I hope I'm not getting cold feet. I care about my future and I want to make the best one. Thanks everybody!

I don't think that you should worry about what OTHER people think. You need to do what's right for you. Not what's right for other people. They don't live your life--you do. I'm sure they don't have a perfect life. I never tell others how to live their lives, so why should they tell me?

I have a lot of people telling me how horrible Billy was to his other women. I know how he was, so they need to stop reminding me. However, he's never been locked up this long and he has changed a lot in his attitude. He's not as angry as he used to be. I always tell Billy that I don't believe WORDS. Actions speak louder. He has to prove to me that he has changed.

If you are unsure whether or not to marry him, then wait until he comes home. If it's true love--it will stand the test of time.

You love this guy with all your heart right? Your height difference makes your couplehood UNIQUE. THAT is a good thing. :D

Maybe there are valid reasons you are having your doubts. Past histories are a part of us rather we like it or not. We all come with luggage. Reputaions are important rather we like that idea or not as well. We shouldn't let other people's opinion dictate how we live but in truth we all want to be thought nicely of and respected.

I believe people should know each other inside and out before we marry. Others may dispute it but our past form our futures. We grow and are formed by experience. Lessons are learned.

What ever you decide wait until you have really sorted out what your doubts are. We have inner voices that are wise and will lead us in the right directions if we will listen.

CA ~ trust me, it's taken me a long time to get to this point, but you have to live for YOU. although you can consider other people's opinions and value them, what it really boils down to is making decisions because they care right for leonda!

how well did you know steven prior to his incarceration? how well do you know him, period? coming from someone that has been divorced twice, remember: Marriage is Really Easy to Get Into, But Hard as Hell to Get Out Of!

as far as the height difference, who cares? so you're 5" taller than he is ~ differences make the world go 'round...

leonda, sounds like you have some reflecting to do. as torrey said, we all have that inner voice (wise mind) that speaks, and when it does, it's generally a good idea to listen.

*hugs*

LEONDA-MY ADVICE IS, IF IN DOUBT-WAIT-- DON'T PUSH YOURSELFTO DO ANYTHING YOU ARE NOT READY FOR, WHATEVER THE REASON-YOU HAVE PLENTY OF TIME

PEOPLE CAN SAY WHATEVER THEY WANT BUT IT IS UNLTIMATELY YOUR DECISION- I AGREE WITH DENISE-ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS-

THE HEIGHT ISSUE-DISMISS IT- WHO SAID THE MAN HAS TO BE TALLER ANYWAY? IT IS JUST SOME OTHER MAN-MADE IDEA

TAKE CARE AND GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR DECISION-

REMEMBER IT IS OKAY TO WAIT, AND IF HE LOVES YOU, HE'LL RESPECT WHATEVER DECISION YOU MAKE

WE'RE HERE FOR YOU

Billy is the same as Steven, he was aggressive before but now he's much more calmer.

I've known him for two years before his incarceration, I knew how he was on the streets and that's what turned me on to him. I loved bad boys.

As far as the height thing, when I look at other couples at visitation I get a little jealous because they can reach up and wrap their arms around their man's neck. It never bothered me before until now.

I just finished talking to him on the phone we're gonna wait until it's close to his release or right before his release. He says he knows that I want a big wedding with everyone there. I pick up the rings sometime this month so that's exciting. I'm going to keep the bands in a safe deposit box at my bank until I'm ready to get them out. Does the jeweler has boxes where you can safely keep jewelry?

Thanks you guys you're the best I feel much better now.

Leonda - I think you are making a wise decision!

Keeping the rings in the box at the bank is smart. Jewelers don't have that ability.

regarding height....when you're horizontal, it's all the same :D hehehehe *hugs*

Leonda,

I knew Billy about 2 years before he was locked up. He was on the street too. I real bad-boy. That's what attracted me initially.

I have gotten close enough to him to find that this bad-boy image is just that--an image. He is really sweet and gentle and gets hurt just as easily as anyone else.

But life on the street gave him a hard shell. To anyone who doesn't know him-he comes off as being hard. That is his reputation. He only lets a few people close enough to see his soft side. I think that's good though. If he was a softy on the streets, then everyone would think that they could scam him.

He always tells me that he is going to teach me to be street smart. I have a lot of knowledge, but if I didn't learn the ways of the street then I wouldn't get far. Which he does have a point. Now, he promises not to go back to that life. He wants to live in the boonies where no one will try to mess with him. I think that is a wise decision on his part.

I'm glad that you are going to wait. You are making the right decision. Good luck to you and Steven.

LOL @ April you're right.

>>>our past form our futures.<<<

I totally agree with that statement!

Leonda, have you figure why you are turned on by BAD boys?? ~~~no responce needed~~~ :-)

Let me say that we all have a past but our past does not define who we are. it can make or break a person but i believe that everyone has the ability to change but they do need support and love. we all need to have the support in place to make life changes and that is something i totally believe in..

wanting people to like you is normal, however when someone elses opinion stops you from feeling safe in your love then that is another issue. I know you are still young but you will learn that your feelings and your thoughts are more important then anyone elses. So if you need to wait then wait but do not do it for others do it for yourself. Be true to yourself and you will do what is right.. IMO

Hi
I know this is late but maybe what I have to say will help you in your decision making.

Height: I am 6'2, extremly tall for a woman. When I met my husband, the only thing I was looking at was his height, not even his prison past. :D

What others think: You know your man. If you are having second thoughts, you are trying to tell you something. Don't let others influence you, If it feels right to be with him, be with him. But if you have that little voice popping up every now and again, listen to it.

I honestly hope you have the best!

LOL BRay I think it's because of the excitment maybe?

Well, I had the same problem with my B/F. Before I came in to the picture, he was a bit on the whorish side. Even after we got together, he still had his whorish tendencies. But something in my heart told me to hold on and be strong, because I knew that he loved me and that he would grow out of it, and i was right. Now, I'm not saying that that is what you should do, but that you can't always believe what others say and think about your situation. Because if there's one thing that I have learned, its that its easy to comment on a situation when you or your feelings are not directly involved. And more importantly that no one knows what is in you and your b/f's hearts. So until you see the stuff that they are saying about him for yourself, take their words into consideration (provided that they are trustworthy) but don't others make the decision for you.

I'm totally feeling you, I know what's going on and I'm trying not to take her words seriously. Most people think that ALL people in jail are bad and they are not. I guess it does matter what's in my heart.

People trip out too much on other ppl's business! They need to turn off the Rikki Lake and deal with their OWN lives.

You do what you gotta do, girl. Only you two know if the relationship will work.

Thanks Carla I needed that! lol

>>>because of the excitment <<<

Well now you really got yourself a dilemma! He's going to have to strieghten up and fly right, if he's going to stay out.

But there again, that depend on what kind of BAD boy your talking about? ~WICKED GRIN~

I agree w/what everyone else is telling you Leonda!

I had a hard time myself when EJ & I first started talking. The "friends" I told that he & I were talking ranged in emotions from being supportive to telling me that "they don't approve" like they are my parents or something.
It was extremely hard on me for a long time & it was part of a factor (small part) of why I held out so long in telling EJ my feelings...who knows maybe the things they were saying about him were true you know?

Then I thought about it...I am the ONLY 1 that talks & writes him EVERYDAY! I am the ONLY 1 that asks him about his past & he gives me answers. Lastly I am the ONLY 1 that had to search deep down in my heart & found that I love him very much & look where we are today. I have found my soul mate & we are going to be married when he comes home.

Search within yourself & especially your heart to find your answers. I bet you will find your answers there girl!

Take care! :cool:

I agree with DJohnson.

Everyone has went on telling me that my decision to stay with him was wrong. That I shouldn't trust him. But I am the only one who's stood by him through this whole ordeal. Other than his parents. All of his "friends" disappeared after he was locked up. Nobody cared about Billy, and they kept telling me that I shouldn't be with him.

I love him and that's all that matters. Nothing else that anyone can say will change that. They aren't in our relationship so they can't judge.

Be true to yourself!!!

>>Then I thought about it...I am the ONLY 1 that talks & writes him EVERYDAY! I am the ONLY 1 that asks him about his past & he gives me answers.<<

That's the way I feel too. I'm the only one that stays in contact I'm just upset that should would come at me like that.
We all are in the same situation it is so ironic.

Leonda...

I know how upset you are by the "friends" that have nothing better to do than to talk trash about your man or put him down. It's a really hard thing to go through because YOU know what the true meaning of friendship is & you think they would as well. You have to try very hard to put them in the back of your mind & say "oh well", you know?


After I came down from the extreme anger & many days incredible hurt from the things my friends would say about EJ I realized that if they were TRUE FRIENDS & really understood the TRUE MEANING of friendship they would have stuck by me no matter what.

You will find your true friends Leonda & believe me girl you will be 1 very lucky lady to have them in your life! I know the couple I have left, I am truly blessed to have them!

Take care!!
:fb:

LEONDA- I THINK EVERYONE HAS GIVIN GREAT ADVICE- JUST WANTED TO SHARE WITH YOU SOMETHING I READ IN A BOOK BY MELODY BEATTIE THAT I THINK MIGHT MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER-" MOST OF US NEED PEOPLE AROUND US WHO EMPOWER AND HELP US FEEL ABLE,AND ON TRACK,IN BALANCE, HOPEFUL. WE NEED PEOPLE WHO TELL US WE CAN. EVEN IF THEY DON'T USE WORDS, THEY BELIEVE IN US AND THAT BELIEF COMES SHINING THROUGH. WE LOOK AT THEM AND WHAT WE SEE REFLECTED BACK IS OUR OWN POWER.
BUT SOMETHIMES WE RUN INTO THOSE WHO, INSTEAD, TRY TO CONVINCE US OF their POWER, CONVINCE US THAT they HAVE OUR ANSWERS, THAT WE NEED them TO BE ABLE TO SEE CLEARLY.THEY DON'T BELIEVE IN US: THEY ONLY BELIEVE IN THEMSELVES. THAT IS NOT EMPOWERMENT.CULTIVATE RELATIONSHIPS WITH PEOPLE WHO MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE YOU CAN MAKE THE RIGHT DECISIONS .SPEND TIME WITH PEOPLE THAT KNOW YOU CAN MAKE THE RIGHT DECISION"


YOU SOUND LIKE A SMART GIRL- I WOULDN'T LISTEN TO PEOPLE THAT HAVE NO CLUE(YOUR NEIGHBOR) LISTEN TO YOUR HEART- IT WILL NEVER LEAD YOU ASTRAY!!!

I agree with the rest as long as there are doubts, don't marry him yet.

But if you love him so much, why would you care about what others say? others won't be around you for ever, and they won't be around when you 2 are at home or whatever. if you love him so much, you could see it like you 2 have your own little private world and don't allow others in.

I never believed a difference in hight should even be a reason to doubt. other people may look strange when they see the both of you, so what? it's the love that matters, not the appereance.

Leonda, when I was younger and use to have the ride what I called the "prison bus" I ran into alot of young ladies that were engaged to men in prison. Alot, of them including myself are attracted to that "bad boy" image, the excitement of it all. But, bad boys do change and he will have to change to stay out of trouble. So, you have to ask yourself will you find him as appealing. Second, you don't have to marry him to love him. You can stand by him and be there for him without having that piece of paper. You say he has five years that gives you plenty of time to grow along with him and maybe in a year or two you will have no doubts. Lastly, if you do decide to stick it out develop a tough skin and stay on this cite because people are going to drive you crazy with, "he's no good", "you're an attractive girl and you can find someone worthy", "you know he's going back to jail" and so on and so on. Your family, if there anything like mine will never understand why their precious little girl loves a ex-con! But, remember the one thing you have that I didn't early on is the people on this forum. Good Luck! w/ whatever you decide.

>>BUT SOMETHIMES WE RUN INTO THOSE WHO, INSTEAD, TRY TO CONVINCE US OF their POWER, CONVINCE US THAT they HAVE OUR ANSWERS, THAT WE NEED them TO BE ABLE TO SEE CLEARLY.THEY DON'T BELIEVE IN US: THEY ONLY BELIEVE IN THEMSELVES. THAT IS NOT EMPOWERMENT.CULTIVATE RELATIONSHIPS WITH PEOPLE WHO MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE YOU CAN MAKE THE RIGHT DECISIONS .SPEND TIME WITH PEOPLE THAT KNOW YOU CAN MAKE THE RIGHT DECISION" <<

I really, really like that. Do you remember what book that was? You guys have been really helping me get through this and I appreciate it so much. It has shed a whole new light on things.

THE BOOK IS CALLED " JOURNEY TO THE HEART" AND LIKE I SAID IT IS BY MELODY BEATTIE. I'VE READ MOST OF HER BOOKS- AND THEY ARE AWESOME- SOME OTHER GOOD ONES TO READ BY HER ARE- "THE LANGUAGE OF LETTING GO"-"CODEPENDENT NO MORE" AND "THE LESSONS OF LOVE"

I'm gonna have to check that one out at the library too.

LET ME KNOW HOW YOU LIKE IT!!!

Leonda,

You know Steven better than any of us here. Follow your gut, it will never steer you wrong.

As for the height difference, love is unconditional. :)

good luck in your decision,

lizbeth

You will always meet people that will talk down about your man just because he's in prison, so if they're talking bad about his past just ignore them. David's family are the one's that do the most bad mouthing and I just shut them out and go about my business. Take some time and think about what YOU feel. If it's meant to be, it will be. I knew that David had beaten up his exs, but I had hoped he wouldn't drink again and it wouldn't happen to me, but it did and I have forgiven him and still love him. I made the choice to wait.
If you want to know about his past, ask him. Tell him what was said and ask if any of it is true. It may take him some time to come clean, but he will eventually.
Good luck and have faith. God will tell you what to do if you ask.
God bless,
Cindy

so my "Ladies Love Outlaws" tattoo is right after all, LOL

I guess it's that bad boy appeal. LOL

LOL @ KConnor. Yeah you guys are right, and with the block on the phone it's giving me some time to think about things. They do say distance makes the heart grow fonder and the less I talk to him, the more I love him.