I need Your Help.

Let me give you all the short verison of my story and then by your opinions, I will make my decision.

About three years ago, a clean and sober man walked into my life. He was great! We spent nights talking and having a good clean time. Something happened and we spilt. He tried to commit suicide, one night while I was visiting his sister, this somehow brought us back together. Within 2 months he was living with me and going through methodone withdrawals, after 2 two years of enabling him and all the promises he had made, I kicked him out. He was soon arrested and spent 8 months in DOC. While in there, I became the enablers again. When he got out we lasted a month. I hadn't seen or heard from him in 3 months when he called and asked if he could come home. I told him, I would take him back once he was clean and sober. I was not strong enough to continue the path he was on. So his solution was to take his parents car and drive to Lousiana, the last place he was clean and sober to get his life together. He is back in jail and his court date is April 13th. His PD says he should only get probation, if anything. He wants to know if he can come home. While I love him with all my heart, and I would really love to believe all he is telling, I have heard it all before. The difference is the things he is telling me now I've never heard from his lips before. While I could bail him out right now, he knows and understands, that I can't. He tells me even if he doesn't have a place to come home to, it doesn't matter, as longs as he has me, he will slept out in the grass for all he cares. I know he's an addict. But I'm having a hard time with the heart and the head thing. So let me hear what you guys think.

I can relate to your situation. I was in a relationship similiar to that of the one you have. When he and I met he had been sober for a few years. He was open about the fact that he was a recovering addict. Our relationship was great until he had a relapse and I spent the next 5 years wondering where the man that I fell in love with went. I did everything I could to support him without enabling him and his addiction - come to find out just me being in his life was enabling him. He was arrested for drugs a couple years back and spent 18 months in the prison. We rekindled our relationship and I waited for him faithfully until he came home. He promised me up and down that he would put everything he had into recovering. And I believed him every time. When he returned home he got right back into the scene. He is and was weak and powerless to his addiction.

When someone is an addict they are two people. There is THE ADDICT and there is THE SELF. The self is the part of the addict that wants to love, promise, and be true to themselves. The addict is the part of the person that tends to dominate the self and destroy all of the good intentions that the self speaks of and intends on persuing. It took me 5 years to realize that and at this point I just have to let go for awhile. You can't help a person that doesn't want to help themselves. They may say they want help but it has to be within their heart. I attend Nar-Anon meetings. They help. I wish you the best of luck in what you decide to do. You always want to believe the one's that you love and care for, but sometimes you end up having to love and care for them from a distance. PUT YOU FIRST.

I know how you feel. The fear of him being an addict again is not worth all the love in the world. If you love him and want to give him another chance, then set the guidelines. You cannot associate with other addicts, becasue you will get sucked back in. The first lie, the first time he uses again, leave. But if you love him, could you really go on with your life never knowing if he really could be the right guy for you? At least this is where I am with my boy. Everytime we talk on the phone we discuss that if he uses or treats me wrong, I will be gone before he can blink. Good luck, stay true to yourself!

You have been given excellent advice here. I wish for you the best in whatever you decide to do...just let him know you will no longer enable him...
I know you care deeply for him, but he has to want to change..and as InLoveWithCoca said, you must set the guidelines and stick to them. I wish you the best of luck in this situation... sending prayers and positive thoughts your way!!!

I need Your Help.

Let me give you all the short verison of my story and then by your opinions, I will make my decision.

About three years ago, a clean and sober man walked into my life. He was great! We spent nights talking and having a good clean time. Something happened and we spilt. He tried to commit suicide, one night while I was visiting his sister, this somehow brought us back together. Within 2 months he was living with me and going through methodone withdrawals, after 2 two years of enabling him and all the promises he had made, I kicked him out. He was soon arrested and spent 8 months in DOC. While in there, I became the enablers again. When he got out we lasted a month. I hadn't seen or heard from him in 3 months when he called and asked if he could come home. I told him, I would take him back once he was clean and sober. I was not strong enough to continue the path he was on. So his solution was to take his parents car and drive to Lousiana, the last place he was clean and sober to get his life together. He is back in jail and his court date is April 13th. His PD says he should only get probation, if anything. He wants to know if he can come home. While I love him with all my heart, and I would really love to believe all he is telling, I have heard it all before. The difference is the things he is telling me now I've never heard from his lips before. While I could bail him out right now, he knows and understands, that I can't. He tells me even if he doesn't have a place to come home to, it doesn't matter, as longs as he has me, he will slept out in the grass for all he cares. I know he's an addict. But I'm having a hard time with the heart and the head thing. So let me hear what you guys think.

After knowing my now husband for 20 years, I have realized the only thing that is going to keep him sober is himself hitting rock bottom!!!! He is on his second round with prison and says he fells he has hit rock bottom. He says this time is different than the first because he did not have me (as a wife) or the kids on the outside but he also knows he does not have a home to come streight to when he gets out this time, where the first time his mommy let him come right back to there. He has to prove he will stay sober first then we will work on our relationship again. I would just enable him again if I let him walk back into what I have worked so hard to rebuild after he destroyed it in the first place. We had no home, no money, no family behind us, lost our business because of him and I have all of that back now, although there still is not enough to pay for everything, we do have a roof over our head and doing the best I can. He was at the point where he would spend our last dollar on alcohol instead of diapers or food, but I always found a way to buy what the kids needed and he knew I would and I will not have him walk right back into that. He will support me and the kids for sometime without involving alcohol before he ever gets to move back in, once he is out of prison. I know it is hard and it sounds horrible and although it is hard for us to watch and let happen we have to let them hit very rock bottom and not save them before they do. Sure I should feel guilty because had I just driven him where he wanted to go he would not have been out driving to get in trouble but I am not going to feel guilty because had he not been drinking, he would not have wanted to do any of that stuff in the first place. ANyway, it is hard to watch but I think it is what has to happen instead of crawling back just before they hit then we save them from hitting and it all starts over. Been there, done that, hours and hours of crying, enabling him to pull back ahead. NOT doing it again. Yes it will be hard, yes I want him home but I or you can not be the enabler anymore. I will and you need to let him live in rock bottom for a while and see that he pulls himself out of it and hopefully that will keep him sober.

I know if it was me, he would not being living under my roof regardless of how much I love him. However there is an option, you can insist that he goes into a rehab in your area. If you want a list of ones in your area pm either Shelby or I and we can get you a list. Not all are big expensive places, there are many that wont require any money and the person works off his stay. He needs help with addiction not with a roof over his head. Best of luck sweetie and please keep us posted.

Thank you all!!!

EdsTrac...

Thank you all!!!

EdsTrac... I've been right there with. Rebuilding everything I lost the first time. I'm so afraid of going back, there.

Shelby and Witchlinblue - he was in a half-way house in the city. Right smack in the middle of crack alley. How is this suppose to help him? When he gets out, can he get any services from the state? I love him, but I afraid for him to come home.

And he does need to hit rock bottom, without me and his family being the safety net.

Letting them hit rock bottom is one of the hardest things that i watched him do. It was hard to not jump and save him, I did a few times to many. He has not changed and I know that he has been in at least 10 rehabs!! Hang in there and do what is best for you and let him deal with his addiction...

I agree, rock bottom is a hard place to turn your back on them at but you have to do it. Its the only way they will realize how desperate their lives have become. They can never see that if you are their crutch.
The last time I saw my husband in the free world he had just gotten out my car after a dysfunctional talk. He got out and came around to my side and I rolled down the window. Something told me that he was going to die in the next few days. He looked like he had just escaped from a prisoner of war camp or one of those people you see who are starving and war-torn. His eyes were empty yet pleading with me. I had to look away and drive away before he could see me cry. It ripped my heart out but I knew I did the right thing. If I had done anything else I would have just prolonged his fall. Fortunately he was arrested a few days later. Believe it or not I was thankful, it was better than dead. I think that he is a lucky man to have been given the chance to live. Prior to that I had been spending my weeks waiting for that call from Detroit police for me to go and identify a body.
I know prison isnt the answer for him but at least he is alive. All I can do now is offer him as many opportunities as possible to help himself improve while in prison. He will be there for a long time. When he is released he will still be an addict, no doubt about that, whether he is an active user will be up to him not me.

I agree, rock bottom is a hard place to turn your back on them at but you have to do it. Its the only way they will realize how desperate their lives have become. They can never see that if you are their crutch.
The last time I saw my husband in the free world he had just gotten out my car after a dysfunctional talk. He got out and came around to my side and I rolled down the window. Something told me that he was going to die in the next few days. He looked like he had just escaped from a prisoner of war camp or one of those people you see who are starving and war-torn. His eyes were empty yet pleading with me. I had to look away and drive away before he could see me cry. It ripped my heart out but I knew I did the right thing. If I had done anything else I would have just prolonged his fall. Fortunately he was arrested a few days later. Believe it or not I was thankful, it was better than dead. I think that he is a lucky man to have been given the chance to live. Prior to that I had been spending my weeks waiting for that call from Detroit police for me to go and identify a body.
I know prison isnt the answer for him but at least he is alive. All I can do now is offer him as many opportunities as possible to help himself improve while in prison. He will be there for a long time. When he is released he will still be an addict, no doubt about that, whether he is an active user will be up to him not me.


These statements are so true. No matter the love we are the crutch that stops the rock bottom at just the right time. It was the hardest thing I ever did and just so he knew that we did love him we went to rock bottom with him. That is when I pulled me and our girls out of it and he went to prison. Now he is in CommCorr and it is up to him to pull himself out and keep himself out. We are NOT going down with him again no matter how much we love him. No prison is not the answer, there is no help there but he is able to get the help he needs and to start the road to recovery and then prove his recovery to me. There is no doubt he will always be an addict, although alcohol, not drugs. But we don't have to be in that life with him if he chooses not to be sober.

There are usually places you can find that charges on a sliding scale fee, they charge according to income or as stated before, they can get in a campus type setting recovery unit that will allow them to work for the services. What ever you do, do not offer or give him money. If he is hungery, give him a meal to fill his tummy for the momemt. If he is naked buy a pair of second hand clothes. Don't give him the cash to do it and don't buy the best of anything. And whatever you do don't do it over and over and don't give him a place to live, unless it is a rehab. Good luck finding any help from the state. Part of Ed's court stuff was that he would be offered alcohol rehab in prison but 6 months later he has yet to get any counciling what so ever. He is now in a 45 day substaince abuse treatment program through CommCorr that is required before he can acctually be transfered to CommCorr but that is the only thing he has been offered. We looked for state funded help last time he got out too and we couldn't find anything but your state is different than ours I am sure.

Anyway, be there to love him but don't be there to save him. It sounds like you have all the right ideas, just doing them are the hard part. As humans we can not stand to watch someone we love suffer. This time you have to go with you head not you heart. You suffered from someone elses addiction once don't let yourself do it again. Remind yourself that it is not your fault he is this way why should it be up to you to go down with him? And if you have kids, convince yourself that you and them come first, not him.

Okay Here's the update....

He made his court appearance last week. His parents didn't show up so the case got postponed until June 1st. I was ready to walk out of the court room with total release of stress, but the PD said to wait. I missed hearing the judge releasing on his OR. So what was my plan? My plan was to take him to the Inner Harbour and explain to him why he couldn't come him. How he had destroyed everything. So with my teen girls in the car and him. We spent the afternoon there. And somehow before I knew it he was riding back with us to the house. I hid every single pill in the house. He made all the promises he could. The first night was fantastic, but I kept thinking how long can this last. It lasted one night. I started seeing the old Billy come out. Saturday was his b-day. The first one we celebrated with out him being in jail. By Easter, I was done. I took him to the light rail station and kissed him good-bye on Monday Morning. He parents called and said they had issued other warrants they had held back on him just in case this happened. By Monday afternoon, I had found out he found my daughter's ADHD meds and all the pain pills he had gotten when he went to the ER on Sunday for his Paicest (sp). Which only acts up when he going through withdrawals. On Monday he called from two separate hospitals. I was suppose to meet him in the city to bring his clothes to him. I sat down in the poor section of town for 15 mins and he never showed. Haven't heard from him since. I gave him all the information you guys gave me. What was I thinking. If anything this has showed me, that with all the love in my heart, I could never be in love with someone who is so careless of others feelings and believe pills and needles are their first and only love.

You need a big hug (((((( HUGS )))))
You are a strong lady and good for you for wanting to protect yourself and your girls. Hang in there, it is better he is not in your home. Let him find how far down rock bottom is and dont let him take you with him. We are here for you, hang in there...

Thanks for the big hug Witchlinblue.

More of an update. And someone please tell me why I still accept his calls???

He's back in Carroll County Detention Center, he's there on Burglary Charges, for breaking into his parents house back in February, when he lived there. So I really don't expect those charges to stick.

So he calls every night and professes his love to me and tells me how much it hurts him to know I was someone else (while he was out there doing who knows who). Tells me how much he wants to make it better and how much he wants to care for me and the girls. Every night I bring up TROSA. Which I really think is his best option of ever getting clean. Anyways, after all this mild chatter, we get to why he is really calling, and that's for me to come up with Bail money. I learned from him how to lie out my a$$ and tell him once I get my budget figured out I'll be there. How do you convince an addict to get help?????? I have told him and until he is clean he can not come home. I can't be hiding my car keys, credit cards and meds forever!!!!

Thanks for the big hug Witchlinblue.

More of an update. And someone please tell me why I still accept his calls???

He's back in Carroll County Detention Center, he's there on Burglary Charges, for breaking into his parents house back in February, when he lived there. So I really don't expect those charges to stick.

So he calls every night and professes his love to me and tells me how much it hurts him to know I was someone else (while he was out there doing who knows who). Tells me how much he wants to make it better and how much he wants to care for me and the girls. Every night I bring up TROSA. Which I really think is his best option of ever getting clean. Anyways, after all this mild chatter, we get to why he is really calling, and that's for me to come up with Bail money. I learned from him how to lie out my a$$ and tell him once I get my budget figured out I'll be there. How do you convince an addict to get help?????? I have told him and until he is clean he can not come home. I can't be hiding my car keys, credit cards and meds forever!!!!

I wouldn't except his calls if I were you. As long as you do you are giving him hope and it is leading to you having to lie to him. Instead of lieing to him about bail, just don't take the calls. Maybe one more but let him know you are not bailing him out and he is not coming home and not to call anymore. Realize, if you did bail him out, you put yourself on the line if he get in trouble again or doesn't show for court or anything like that until the bail is off. There is a good chance those charges could stick depending on the circumstances. Ed went back to jail when out on parole one time before do to the same thing. He went in his sisters house where all his belongings were because he had been living there. They got in a fight, he left for a couple days then went back while she was not home and got his belongings and she called the cops and told them she had kicked him out and he entered while she was not home so he got his parole revoked and went back to prison. She even tried to drop the charges and the State would not drop them, although they did lower it from burglery to unlawful entry.

Remember, you can not convince him he needs help. He has to hit rock bottom and as long as you give him any sort of hope for rescue he will not hit that bottom. If I remember right you hid all your meds last time and he found them anyway. You can not do that. It is not fair to you. And it is probably harder on you to try to live like that than just stopping the communication.

Please feel free to PM me or IM me if you belong to yahoo or msn messanger. I would love to just chat with you for a while as it seems we have alot in common due to our husbands.

You deffinantly need BIG HUGS!!!!!!!!