I have posted some of my son's story in the Introductions section. I am 46 years old. My great grandmother lived til she was 80, my grandmother til she was 70, my mother til she was 65. My brother died at 49. I don't think I have much time left. I do not think I will be here in thirty years when he can apply (and probably be denied) for parole. The day I lost my son (the day he was arrested), I felt as though my world came to an end. I felt like I wanted the earth to open up and swollow me whole. As they took my son, they did not handcuff him, they allowed me to hug him for what for all I knew would be the last time. My world went black. God has made his presence known to us at times throughout this past year. My son accepted Jesus Christ as his savior in Jail and was baptised (MIracle and Blessing #1). For me, it was the greatest gift a mother could have. Salvation, eternal life. Christian mothers know what I mean. For those who are not mothers, if you could imagine having a baby, then imagine how you would feel about that baby. Keep the image in your mind of an infant, of how it feels to know when your baby is cold, hungry, in pain. Imagine. Then to know that no matter what happened to his physical body, his spirit, his soul would live forever. He asked forgiveness of God for what he had done (the mistake he had made), and had simply to ask the young man's family for forgiveness (I prayed for them also because everytime we went to court, they looked at him like they wanted him dead! That's just "revenge.") and pay the court for what he had done, ultimately a life sentence. At first, we did not know if he would get the Death Penalty. He was originally charged with Captial Murder. The D.A. decided to seek a life term. The second miracle was that his bond was "low" for the crime he was being charged with. It took me months to save the money to bail him out til the trial. I called every bond company in the phone book. No takers. Nine months later, I not only found a man who would do it, he would do it for 2% less than what everyone else was charging (Miracle #3). When he was bonded out, there were no stipulations, no drug testing, no regular reporting in, no ankle monitor (Miracle #4). Miracle #5, a month later when the court ordered an ankle monitor, the judge picked up the tab for it - my already stretched budget was about to bust with one more pressure added to it. Thank God for the judge's mercy, and she is not known for being soft. My son was home for four months and was able to say goodby to his fiance, family and friends. He has been back in for a month. When he was taken back into custody, the 6th miracle happened. The bondsman to whom I still owed $3,000 said that if I paid him $500 on that day, he would forget the rest of the balance owed. Praise God! The other inmates and guards don't believe his charge. None of them ever have. He is such a gentle, quiet person. They do not even chain him up anymore like they are supposed to when they bring him to visit me. I have dealt with thoughts of being a bad parent. Feeling like I must have had all the ingrdients of what it took to give birth to and raise a murderer. I have felt like an all-around failure. Like I have no business teaching or leading others bacause obviously, I don't know what I am doing. Our love has grown stronger and we have grown closer. I know not everyone in prison is "all" bad. Not everyone out here is "all" good. I pray he will be alright. I pray for God to protect him every day. I pray for him often, he is always in my thoughts. My two sons were my whole world. Everything I did, I did for them. All the pains and sacrifices I made were for them. Other mothers may understand. I am making the transition from feeling that I have lost my son to one of looking for God's will, God's plan for his life. As I read in one thread, it has been like a death in the family, the death of hopes and dreams of a life that could have been. Now, we wait and look and pray for God's next miracle or sign that he is working in our lives. We know this has happened for a reason. I live knowing that I was sentenced to going to visit my son every weekend for the rest of my life. Up to now, I have been able to see him three times a week, he calls the four days I do not get visitation, and I write him a letter every day. I pray that God continue to strengthen us. We know this will change soon, but we also know that change is the only thing in life that is guaranteed. I prepare our house for his homecoming and have told him not to be sad when I die that he cannot come to the funeral because I will always be with him in his heart and will always watch over him. We will be together again in Heaven. In Christ.

Lord I pray right now for you to intervene in this families situation and bless them with a miracle they so desperately need. help them to stay focused on you and we know Lord that every thing happens for a reason. We may not know what that is Lord but you do. We put our trust and faith in you now Lord
In Jesus wonderful name,
Amen

Stay strong!
Kelli

You aren't dead yet, my dear. Far from it. You can't know if you'll still be alive when he's released. Don't forget that the Bible says the problems of this day are sufficient for us to worry about. You'll only be 76 in 30 years, and within that time, something may happen that would release him early.

Our children come through us but don't belong to us and they're unique individuals in their own right. You haven't failed as a parent. Your child just made a choice on his own that's caused this horrible thing to happen. I believe that nothing----absolutely nothing----happens by accident. We aren't allowed to know the "why" of everything, we're just supposed to seek guidance and do the best we can with what does happen. The Bible also says that "ALL things work for good" for those who love the Lord. This is today and we can only live today. You've been the best parent you know how to be thus far, and you're being the best parent you can be to him in writing, calling and visiting and continuing to love and support him. That and your prayers are all you can do. I know what anguish you're going through and how helpless you feel. I also know how you question yourself and the feelings that maybe you did or didn't do something that contributed to your son being where he is. In time, you'll find the pain will ease some and you'll be better able to go on. Just try to be a good example to him, as the young Christian that he is, of what it means to hang onto God and his promises and trust that, no matter what, God is still with you both and that things will work out as God wills it and that you have to trust God's will for your lives. It's possible that God allowed this to bring your son to Him----we never have a way of knowing these things. Maybe if this hadn't happened, your son might have died without making his peace. It's a horrible situation for your family and nothing is going to make it totally better, but I hope some of what I've said has helped in some way.

I want to say welcome to PTO. Your words deeply touched me as you described the heart wrenching turmoil that this puts us through and how we begin to question ourselves and our beliefs about things and how ultimately we come to a new understanding and belief system no matter what it is--it is different.

Are you appealing the case? If so, I really hope that's you're next miracle...a positive answer.

Deb

The D.A. offered a plea bargain of reducing the charge to murder with life. The drop in the charge reduced the number of years by ten when he could seek parole. Capital Murder carries a minimum of 40 years before you can request parole. A stipultion of the plea bargain is that he cannot appeal. In the year since this began, his court appointed lawyer met with us a total of four times in the courthouse for no more than fifteen minutes each time if that much. Some defense one hour for a life. The system is weighted heavily on the side of the prosecutors. But I guess everyone has experienced being called names and gotten "treatment" from the system.

You're right, it favors the prosecution at every step of the "game" even in appeals... I never had any idea of how things were til this happened to us. My eyes are wide open now and I'm disgusted among other things with our system. I always believed the cliches "innocent until proven guilty" and "guilty beyond a shadow of a doubt." I thought our system was ok......

Deb

It did seem that he was "guilty until proven innocent," and Justice was blind, prejudice and on the take. (ha, ha) Funny but seemingly true. Another thing that was hard is that he had no priors, did not try to run, and turned himself in. It was hard that they didn't seem to cut him any slack. He just made their job easier and it seemed like all they had to do was process the paperwork. He as a person never seemed to matter.

God give me strength. I need to take the Corrie Ten Boom (I think) adage to heart: "I was sad because I had no shoes until I met a man who had no feet." My heart goes out to those who have suffered more at the hands of "the system." I think I'm learning to live with it.

May God ease the pain in your heart.......

your words have touched me as well..my heart breaks for the circumstances in your family however I admire you loyalty and devotion to your son. some families turn their backs and it's refreshing to see so many that don't..you included. YOu will continue to be in my thoughts and prayers

Sunnie

YOUR WORDS AND FEELINGS HAVE ALSO TOUCHED ME AND I PRAY FOR YOUR NEXT MIRACLE.

I hope everything will work out at its best for you. Reading this made me realize that all my problems are nothing compared to what other people may be going through. I'll be keeping you and your son in my prayers. Good luck.

You and your son are in my prayers. May he bloom where he is planted. God bless you,

Your story broke my heart. My son has also had legal problems and I've also asked myself...what did I do wrong? I have three children, he's my first born, my second, is a daughter and she is the exact opposite of the first. She actually is going to school to be a police officer, and my third is only 12, but he's more like my second child. We've done the best that we can do, when they go outside your house the decisions they make, are thiers. Unfortunately, we also pay a price for their actions. Stay strong Mom, and know you, your son, and your family are in my prayers!

Hi Prof Mom,
Ya know, my mom raised 5 kids... 4 with the same father 1 had a different father, but is my sister no less...
Anyhow, my point is that every single one of us is different. Totally different from each other. One's a teacher, one's a nutritionist, one a hairdresser, one works at a prison, and the one my mom carries guilt around for is on the street using heroin, checking in with his parole officer when he knows he'll have a clean u/a. Of all 5 of us kids, he was the one most likely to suceed, best looking, most talented, graduated from College as Valdictorion, (need spell check)... you name it, he could have had it. Now he spends his time chasing a baggie.... I don't understand him although I love him to pieces, but I also know it's certainly not my mom's fault. She, like you, gave her whole life for her kids, and continues to do the same today... She cries for my brother, she tries to figure out where she could have done things differently, but she'll never figure that one out... It wasn't her life, and it wasn't her decision for him to go down the road he did.

All we can do is like Kelli L did, pray, pray pray....

And listen to Toi.... There's allot of wisdom with her words. Read them and re-read them...

Take care and know that we're all praying and here for you when you need us...

AS I READ YOUR POSTING I COULDN'T HELP BUT FEEL THAT I FINALLY FOUND SOMEONE ELSE WHO UNDERSTANDS.I'VE BEEN MARRIED TO THE SAME PERSON FOR 32 YEARS, HOWEVER 32 YEARS AGO I ALSO DIVORCED A WOMAN THAT I WAS FORTUNATE ENOUGH TO HAVE MY FIRST SON BY.
MY FIRST WIFE WAS SUBJECTED TO PHYSICAL ABUSE FROM ME IN WHAT I CAN ONLY DESCRIBE AS VERY VIOLENT. I FIRMLY BELIEVE THAT HAD GOD NOT TAKEN CARE OF THIS FOOL I MAY MYSELF HAVE ENDED UP IN JAIL FOR MURDER. SINCE THAT DIVORCE I HAVE NEVER PUT A HAND ON ANYONE... MAN OR WOMAN, HOWEVER I SHARE WITH YOU THE FEELING OF DEEP, DEEP GUILT. I THINK THAT HAD I BEEN THE MAN GOD MEANT ME TO BE MY SON WOULD HAVE TURNED OUT DIFFERENT. YOU SEE, WHEN I LEFT, I LEFT BECAUSE IT WAS EASIER THAN TRYING TO CONTROL MY HAIR TRIGGER TEMPER. UNFORTUNATELY MY ACTS UPON MY WIFE LEFT HER FULL OF ANGER... ANGER THAT MY SON (I'VE LEARNED RECENTLY) WAS SUBJECTED TO DAILY, BOTH PHYSICALLY AND VERBALLY. HE WAS LIKE A TIME BOMB READY TO GO OFF. I GUESS THE THING THAT I DON'T UNDERSTAND IS THAT MY EX-WIFE MARRIED AND DIVORCED WELL, LEAVING HER WELL OFF FINANCIALLY, EVEN BEFORE HER 2 MILLION DOLLAR INHERATENCE YET SHE NEVER GOT HIM THE HELP HE NEEDED TO LEARN HOW TO CONTROL THE TEMPER THAT ALMOST KILLED HER ON MORE THAN ONE OCCASION.
A YEAR AGO I RECIEVED A CALL AT MY HOME HERE IN OHIO FROM MY SON SAYING THAT HIS GIRLFRIEND WAS FOUND DEAD IN THEIR APARTMENT IN A VERY UPPER CLASS NEIGHBORHOOD IN NEW PORT BEACH CA.
I CAME AWAY FROM THE PHONE WITH A VERY SICK FEELING IN MY STOMACH. I WAS ON A PLANE THE NEXT DAY TO CALIFORNIA. UPON ARRIVING I WENT DIRECTLY TO THE APT. TO SEE WHAT HAD HAPPENED FOR MYSELF AND WAS MET BY THE ENTIRE CORONER'S OFFICE STAFF. AGAIN NOT A GOOD FEELING. LATER THAT NIGHT THEY WOULD HOLD MY SON FOR QUESTIONING. MY EX-WIFE WAS WAITING BY THE PHONE FOR A CALL FROM MY SON, A CALL THAT WOULDN'T BE COMING FOR SOME TIME. IN A CALL LATER BETWEEN MY WIFE AND I, SHE SAID THAT IF MY SON HAD DONE IT THEN HE DID IT BY STRANGULATION.
SURE AS GOD MADE LITTLE GREN APPLES WE WERE NOTIFIED BY THE POLICE THAT THE DECEASED HAD DIED BY BLUNT FORSE TRAUMA TO THE HEAD AND MANUAL STRANGULATION.
HE IS NOW ON HIS WAY TO A RECIEVING CENTER AND I'VE BEEN TOLD HE WILL EVENTUALLY GO TO A LEVEL 3 SITE.
I FEEL LIKE MY HEART HAS BEEN TORN OUT, BOTH BECAUSE I WILL PROBABLY BE DEAD BEFORE HE GETS OUT BUT ALSO BECAUSE I FEEL DEEPLY FOR THE THE VICTIMS FAMILY. NOT A SINGLE DAY GOES BY WITHOUT STOPPING AND THINKING ABOUT SOME WAY TO TALK TO HIM OR FIND OUT IF HE'S OK OR HOW THE OTHER FAMILY WILL GET THROUGH THE HOLIDAYS NOT TO MENTION DAILY LIFE.
IN YOUR CASE YOU QUESTIONED YOUR PARENTING SKILLS... I DON'T KNOW YOU AT ALL BUT I CAN TELL YOU, JUDGING FROM YOUR LETTER YOU DID NOTHING WRONG. SLEEP WELL... IF YOU HAD NEVER BEEN THERE ... THEN YOU MIGHT HAVE A POINT.
I KNOW GOD PLAYED A PART IN THIS WHOLE THING BECAUSE HE WAS NOT CONVICTED WITH MURDER, ONLY BECAUSE THE DECEASED WAS LOADED WITH ILLEGAL DRUGS... MY SON HAD NONE. THIS WHOLE THING HAS BROUGHT ME BACK TO GOD... SO THERE IS SOME GOOD AFTER ALL. I JUST WISH I COULD FORGIVE MYSELF THE WAY I HOPE GOD WILL......
GOOD LUCK AND GOD BLESS.

HOW MY HEART BREAKS FOR ALL OF YOU.GOD'S WAYS ARE NOT OUR WAYS. LET YOUR HEART BE ASSURED THAT YOU COULD NOT HAVE CHANGED ANYTHING. IT WAS A CHOISE YOUR CHILREN MADE. MY HUSBAND IS IN PRISON DOING A LIFE SENTENCE FOR MANSLAUDER, WE ARE 10 YEARS DOWN THE ROAD NOW. GOD HAS WORKED SO MANY MIRACLES IN OUR LIFE THAT TIME NOR SPACE WILL PERMIT.IF GOD SHOULD CALL ME HOME BEFORE HE IS RELEASED, I KNOW THAT I KNOW THAT I WILL MEET MY HUSBAND IN HEAVEN. GOD IS SO MERIFUL AND GRACIOUS TO FORGIVE US EVEN WHEN WE CAN'T SEEM TO FORGIVE OURSELF. NEVER, EVER GIVE UP ON YOUR LOVED ONE. IF YOUR SON HAD OF BEEN THE ONLY PERSON ALIVE THAT DAY, JESUS WOULD HAVE STILL DIED FOR HIM. THERE IS FREEDOM IN PRISON, FREEDOM FROM QUILT AND SHAME, FREE TO SERVE GOD. THEIR IS HEALING IN YOUR TEARS.CRY OUT TO GOD WHEN YOU FEEL LIKE YOU CAN'T DO IT ANYMORE. HE WILL TAKE YOU IN HIS BIG ARMS AND HOLD YOU. GOD WILL SEE YOU THROUGH THIS.. "THIS TOO SHALL PASS". YOU ARE IN MY THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS. MAY GOD SEND YOU A MIRACLE.REMEMBER ALL HAVE SINED AND COME SHORT.


SUE

My thoughts and prayers are with your family. Longevity doesn't run in our family either, but my husband and I are determined we'll still be kicking when our son Allen comes home. Hopefully things will change and it will be sooner than we think. Just take one day at a time and be there for each other.

proffessormom,

your story brought me to tears...to say the least...there are FAR too many people imprisoned...it does no one any good...my husband sat in his cell as his mother died...on that day I recieved a call from his sister...he and I are both from Michigan...he is incarcerated in Florida...since that day, I knew that my place was here with him...and I will stay here...you are a STRONG and WONDERFUL Mother...may the Lord bless every moment of your life! One day at a time...it IS key!

I just want to take a minute to comment the parents of the violent offenders for all they do. I am from Michigan, engaged to a violent offender, and also a mother of 2- daughter 17 & son 19. My man's mother has not visited him but once in the past 6 years of his incarceration. that was 5 years ago. She has not written in almost 2 years now...she lives an hour from the prison. I live 9 hours away and try to go every 3 months or so. I have alot of anger for her choices. I understand her life and how things came to be, but after some time, i just believe that a mother needs to be there for her son. Her actions, and words spoken to me make me angry. When we discussed that i am now a significant other, if you will, he comment to me was "at least i know hes in good hands now." yes, but i am not his mother.

One of the hardest thigs to come to terms with as a parent, i feel, is accepting the bad choices our children make. My son has one problem with the law. Assault on a police officer. I did not agree or accept his choices or behaviors, but i will tell you this...i was standing at his side while the judge gave him his punishment. I was at his side for every probation for every hearing...he deserved the consequences, but he was still my son.

My man has been working hard on accepting this loss of which he never had regarding his mother. She never came to the trial, but will confess her love for him while on the phone with me. This give me physical pains, such that even at the last visit, i was talkig about needing to contact her regarding legal issues and i had a sharp pain in my stomach. She says "I can't handle it." As a mother, being able to handle pain or situation regarding my children was never an option for me...this is where i get angry. I now refuse any and all contact with her.

I know HIS pain, and i guess, i just want to say i respect the parents of the violent offenders here. my hat goes off to every parent in the visiting rooms. For no matter what the actions, every man deserves to be loved, if only by one.

I am so touched by this post. I'd like to say something to the parents...you did not give birth to murderers. You son's commited violent acts, no doubt, but they commited those crimes, not you. I've often said on this site that it must be 10 times more difficult for the parents...guilt is powerful.

I wish I had some wisdom to write to you. I wish I knew what to say. I hope that you find comfort here at PTO. We are here for you.
Wendy

wow your story is amazing, i hope god will give you strength, and i wish you the best of luck with your situation. im so glad you shared with us... i bet it must be hard to do that.

I am in awe of you guys, your love and strength and pain and faith in God give me chills.

Very profound, ProfessorMom! I am in tears right now from reading this post! My heart just pours out to you and your family. I deal everyday with the fact that I am married to a man who committed murder, I could never imagine the pain of being a parent of one. I'm sure you feel as if you have died a slow death. BUT---God will not give us more than we can handle....apparently the Lord thinks you are Hercules, but, you and your family WILL get through this! And your love and strength will be stronger than ever. I am truly praying for you and your sons. You have great courage. God bless you, hun! <<HUGS>>

Prof mom----

What can I say that hasnt been said. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. Your son is so lucky to have a mom like you. You are a wonderful mother and did a wonderful job raising him. There is nothing that you could have done different. I wish I was half the person you are!

Jeffs

If it was meant to be it was there choice . Not ours,I am a good mother and you are too,I've done everything I can to give to my children. But we can't control them as they get older and move on we can only PRAY they are safe and that they know we love them. HAng with him mom and the lord will will answer you prayer as he see fit.
I'm praying for ya'll as well MUCH LOVE another Mother of a inmate

My thoughts and prayers are with you Now and Always! I hope and pray that you can will receive another miracle. ((((hugs))))

Your story breaks my heart. I am a mother and I can imagine your pain. How awful for you.