As many know I met Sebastian via a misdialed phone call from county jail. We did 14 months on his bid together before he came home. He spent 16 months in the freeworld and is now back in. He will max out in a few months. I am wondering if there are others in similar situations, if so let's chat about it. Anyone who has not experienced this please feel free to ask questions or comment on your fears/expectations, etc.

Patty

We met while he was incarcerated. We did several strong years together,then it fizzle out on my in, b/c I wanted to be in a relationship w/ someone not incarcerated. When he came home the first time, he called me and we met and talked about building our friendship and taking it from there. During the course of the 7 months he was home, we got closer and decided to date each other exclusively.

Well, he was sent back and when this happened, that's when I realized how much I love him and was willing to hang in there. Even though he was not directly responsible for his return, he allowed himself to get off his square; therefore, vulverable for returning.

When I went to see him while he was in county and visits were via the glass, I became hysterical and could not stop crying. I thought I would handle it. Girl, I don't ever want anyone to go through what I experienced seeing him through some darn glass.

While he was home the first time, he worked, saved money, had a car, etc. When he went back, the money that he saved, I used to send to him. He told me to take the money and buy myself something, but I knew that he would need money. While he was away, this gave me time to reflect and decide what I really wanted from him and for us. I did a lot of soul searching and decided to continue w/ him.

The time apart was great for both of us. If he didn't go back, I think I would have walked, b/c I was getting tired of how he was handling his stress and frustration.

I didn't have any expectations the first time he came home, b/c we weren't in contact and I knew he was coming home, but paid it no attention, b/c in my opinion, I was not apart of the equation. He always said that when he came home, regardless of where we were, he would look for me. This in one ear and out the other, I just thought it was talk. Well, he's a man of his word.

Since he's been home May 04, the good has definitely out weighed the bad. We have our ups and downs, but we have decided to make this thing work. He is definitely my soul mate and has proven over and over - that he has my back and will stand up for me.

We enjoy each other's company and when we go out, we rate how well we did together. There are times when I take him, therefore, we decided to put things in place to see how we're doing when we go out. We have also stated that when we are not feeling the other, to let the person know. Right now, he's not feeling me b/c I got angry w/ him when he chastised the puppy for urinating on the floor. :-)

We end our evening w/o saying good night and or I'll see you in the morning, regardless of how we're feeling.

I am so glad that he's home. Words can not begin to express how I feel. He's a great man and if I opne up and admit it, I can learn from him.

I've also learned that he has a mind of his own and I have to respect that. It's important to realize that he has to take/do things in steps; therefore, I can't push him and learn to listen to him.

We pray together for God's strength, the ability to understand each other and to accept the other for who they are. It's a journey, and I'm glad to be apart of it.

Best wishes to those that are waiting for their loved one to come home. It's a feeling/high that can not be expressed, it has to be experienced.

thunder ~ thanks for sharing that with us. I think that when Sebastian first came home I didn't take a whole lot of time to consider the fact that he might go back at some point. Not that I was living in a fairytale but just that I am jaded by nature and when he became more and more frustrated by lack of employment opportunities and the conditions of parole and ultimately got violated I wasn't surprised.

On some level I don't even have a problem with it, his re-incarceration. Once we worked through the issues between us, mainly my feelings that he had in part disrespected me/our relationship by not complying with mr. parole agent's rules regardless of the fact that some were just well stupid, we just got down to the business of continuing to be together.

I would love to think that this is the last time and thank God he will be off paper when he comes home and with a lot of hard work, much prayer and a bit of luck maybe we will finally be free of the DOC. The truth is I don't know for sure. Life is so full of unknowns but we remain solid and are grateful to continue the journey together...

I echo your wishes to those still waiting, you are right this is the ultimate experience for anyone but especially for those of us Met While's...

Patty

I met Ralph as a pen pal six months ago. We started out as friends. We connected right away. Now I can't imagine being without him. I don't know much about his past and he doesn't know anthing about mine. He has asked me to wait for him to be faithful and I said yes. Here's a question I'm throwing out there to you all. Do you think I need to know of his previous time served? I started thinking about this after reading some of the posts here. I won't change my feelings for him. I just need to know more of what I'm getting myself into. Right?

When I met Sebastian I wasn't looking to get involved in a relationship with anyone. It was important to him but not to me that I know all about him. At the time I couldn't have cared less but I listened and it made no difference to me. If you are feeling like you want to know more then by all means speak to him about it and share yourself with him. Communication is key to any successful relationship. Talk, talk and talk some more...

Best of luck,
Patty

Hi,

Well I really can't say that I have been in this situation myself, I met my guy while he was already in, he has been down for almost 17 years =( he was only 16. Anyway, I have to say that I salute all of you for being so faithful and just sticking by your man. I've only been with mine for a year, actually it was a year on March 14th! Woo-Hoo!! =)

I truly feel happy for meeting him, I am so very happy now, and even though I have my little worries about what will hapen the day that he gets released, well I'm still going to stick around until that time comes.

Angie*M, I agree with HotLatina, if you feel that you would like to know about your man's past, go ahead and ask him. For me it was just as HotLatina said, it was important to my guy that I knew about all his past, and he was eager to find out about mine. Not to judge me, but he just wants to know everything about me, which I think is so cool of him. I just wanted to share...=)

Rebeca

Oh yeah, girls, count me in on this one too! Never ceases to amaze me how all our lives parallel so much. This is my second go 'round with the Obewan and my last - or so I say. I never really had the chance to experience a real relationship because the dumbsh*t went and got himself all mangled up in a motorcycle accident 5 days after his release in 1994. Still we had three months together until he decided he was too ashamed to tell me he had gotten hooked on drugs big time from the hospital stay and left. After an 11 year absence and many letters of "please forgive me," I decided to write casually. After several months of that, I decided to go visit to really get the full poop of what really happened and to let him know how he broke my heart and took me 7 years to even be able to date again. Within a month after that, I couldn't deny the fact I never stopped loving him and just had to have him back in my life. Before I thought I knew enough of his past to be satisfied, but the more I read and learn the more I want to know about everything from soup to nuts. I'm almost sorry we have such an open communication line because things I'm starting to hear without full explanations (doing this stuff via mail is the pits) is scarring me, but I never experienced those things in the three months we were together so I'm biting the bullet and persevering.

God bless you all for standing by your man and thank you for sharing your experiences as I now know I'm not out of my mind for loving this man because I'm not in this alone.

Rebeca ~ congrats on hitting the one year mark, that's a milestone to treasure, good luck on the parole hearing.

queen ~ Ironic isn't it how many of us have found ourselves in somewhat similar situations? That is yet another reason why this forum is so important. I have a feeling that you know what you are doing and are doing so for the right reasons. You can never go wrong with that. Keep building on what you share.

For those that have not yet experienced the homecoming of the one they met while incarcerated I hope that you are communicating your needs, desires, expectations clearly and often to one another. It is important for me and Sebastian that we did this thoroughly through letters, calls and visits. It is the foundation for that which we have now, a solid relationship that can withstand the dark times we've had to endure.

All the best,
Patty

Patty - I can never thank you enough for your love and support. You are truly a very special person!

Awww thanks so much, honey. My mother (RIP mama) always reminded us that we are a reflection of the company we keep. =)

Glad to be in your company,
Patty

My mother's favorite line was - two wrongs don't make a right! LOL She was a wonderful person too and taught me very well. I miss her so. I'm pretty sure she's running heaven by now and has everybody playing cards and taking care of everybody there and still on earth! :yes: She loved Obe very much and never judged him. I'm convinced it was she who gave him the courage to reach out to me again. She never could handle me being alone! :haha:

queen ~ yet another parallel, for many years I worked with disenfranchised young people, many of whom were gang members/associates etc and other teens who were dealing with bad situations by putting themselves in even more difficult situations. You know, the kind of kids mama didn't want me to hang around, though I did when I was growing up. She was so proud of me for the work that I did and truth be told I was following in her footsteps as she had a hand in raising other family members children, neighborhood kids and many from the church we attended.

When I first met Sebastian I only hoped to support him in the way I had supported the young people I came to know at the teen center back in California. My daughter even remarked that had I met Sebastian as a teen I wouldn't have been involved in a romantic relationship but might have directed him towards some alternatives. Although my mother never had an opportunity to meet Sebastian I know that if she had she would have ultimately approved.

While each of us are unique individuals I find more and more similarities such as strength, strong morals and decidely nurturing qualities in the women who share relationships such as ours.

One does not go into these relationships without much consideration and if and when the time comes that one finds themselves faced with more "time" to be done I wish them the courage to make the decision that is best for all concerned.

Patty

I can't even start to tell you how much this worries me. My man is doing 15 - Life, and my understanding is, that if he violates his parole, he can go back to prison for the rest of his life (is that even right?). I know that there are a number of things that he would go back to prison for, his brother being one of them, so I can only hope that he gets on the right track before my fiancé gets out. Anyway, if he went back to prison, how would I forgive him? How could I go through this AGAIN?

Sadly, I know that no matter where he is, whether it be with me in the outside world, or him serving the rest of his life sentence in prison, he will always have my heart, and I will probably never be able to move all the way on from him. If he went back though, I think walking away might be my only option.

However, if the situation was different and he just had to do some time to max out and then be off paper, I don't think it would bother me as much, of course, it would depend on what he did.

Wow am I rambling, this is a situation that I don't like to think about, and sadly, it's a reality many of us may have to live with. (well at least according to some statistics) I do admire the strength of those of you who can do another prison bid with your man, I'd like to think that I may have the same strength if it came down to it, but I don't know if I would.

Pardon my ignorance, but I keep seeing the phrase, "off paper." What does that mean?

Whiskey, I feel your dilemma because I felt like that too when I thought I had walked away the first time. Your heart will guide you, and God willing, you won't have to make that decision.

Take care.

Whiskey,

OMG! Is that true about going back for life? My bf also has a 15 to life sentence, and also he could go back in for many different reasons. I had never heard of that before, I hope that it's not true.

Rebeca

Whiskey and Lucky, my guy has 29 to life and the judge spelled it out when he was sentenced -- if he ever is released he will still be on parole for the rest of his life.

I don't know if all xx-to-life sentences are like that, but I know my guy's is...


PS: That said, from my experience with family members, at some point parole officers get tired of so many meetings and if they see he's doing pretty good, they stop being nearly so an*l as they were at the beginning of parole... I hope that is the case for you!

It's funny to see how many of us are out there.. I met Sean while he was in. We did 10 months while he was in. Never once did I go visit him. Only wrote letters, and phone calls. (we meet over the phone). We did exchange pictures. He made parole last November 2005. He was out long enough for me to fall madly in love and become pregrent. (a month and a half). He went back for po violation 12-20-05. He has till June to serve out. Our baby is due in september, and we plan on getting married as soon as he gets all the paper work completed. I love him to death. He is everything to me. Any one who has met there man while they were/are in, i wish you the best!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

Qwerty, I know with my man's case, he would be on parole for 5 years, but I was under the impression that if he violated during those 5 years, he would go back for life. and Lucky, ask your man about it! I should have another discussion with mine regarding the whole parole thing...

His - so sorry you're doing this pregnancy by yourself. I hope all works out well for you.

My heart goes out to those of you facing "life" if they violate their parole. One doesn't need that kind of worry for sure. May God give your men the strength and courage to stay the course.

Pardon my ignorance, but I keep seeing the phrase, "off paper." What does that mean?

off paper = no more parole done finished, game over!!! Yahooo

I do admire the strength of those of you who can do another prison bid with your man, I'd like to think that I may have the same strength if it came down to it, but I don't know if I would.

And you don't know that you wouldn't,the fact that you are in this relationship already shows great strength. You might be surprised just how strong you are. I don't mean for you to worry as I hope and pray you never find yourself in this situation. One step at a time, honey.

It's funny to see how many of us are out there.. I met Sean while he was in. We did 10 months while he was in. Never once did I go visit him. Only wrote letters, and phone calls. (we meet over the phone). We did exchange pictures. He made parole last November 2005. He was out long enough for me to fall madly in love and become pregrent. (a month and a half). He went back for po violation 12-20-05. He has till June to serve out. Our baby is due in september, and we plan on getting married as soon as he gets all the paper work completed. I love him to death. He is everything to me. Any one who has met there man while they were/are in, i wish you the best!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

You are the first person besides myself that I've come across who met their man on the telephone. How did it happen? In my case he was still in county jail at the time and misdialed a family members number and got me instead!

Congratulations on the upcoming birth of your baby and on the marriage as well. I wish you all the joy and love in the world. Maxing out can be a good thing, I'm hoping that will make the difference for us. June is right around the corner, good luck!

Patty

I know once my man gets out he will be on probation and if he violates it he will automatically serve 80 years may not be life but hell that's life enough so I am taking a high risk to trust he will change when he gets out. All I know is if he does go back because of choosing his old life no matter how much I love him I will have to walk away.

We all have to choose the best path for ourself. Let's just hope that it doesn't come to that, covettegurl.

All the best,
Patty

I spent 11 months with only letters after which my man was released on transitional leave. He had major difficulties dealing with being out, being in a new relationship and all the rules that were part of his leave. A month later he was returned to prison due to a violation and probably won't be home again until fall 2007. I had no clue as to what to expect when he came home so I didn't know how to help him. He was taken by surprise by the depression and panic attacks that hit him when he was released and didn't know how to help himself. Now we are both wiser and are more determined than ever to make this relationship work.

honeyg ~ Everything happens for a reason! I wish you both the best of luck this time around...

Patty

Hello ladies,

I met my D back in 2001 while he was incarcerated. My friend was writing one of his friends and so she sent my name and he wrote me. I knew nothing about it until I received the first letter. I was like WTF is this? so we continued to write for the next 2 1/2 years until he was paroled. Wheile he was locked up we fell in love, he was everything I ever wanted in a person and vise versa. He got out and I was in heaven. We got married. I love him so much. He was only out about 2 months and false charges were put against him and he got locked back up. While the charges were dropped the PO said that since he did "get in trouble" he had to serve out the rest of his sentence. That's when my life ended. I was very frustrated with the whole situation and no one wanted to explain anything to me. I was completely new to this.:confused: So I told him I couldn't do it anymore. We went ahead and got a divorce and went our separate ways. It was very hard for both of us.:( :( Now almost 3 years later I found him and started writing him again. We are still married in our hearts the love was never lost and never forgotten. We are starting over with the relationship and trying it again. I can't imagine being without him. It was so very hard those couple years.

Even though he was locked up he was my backbone and still is. Yes it is hard because while they are locked up we are doing the time with them. I can relate to all of your stories. But all you can do is keep your head up and keep the faith alive. That's what I always tell him.

The term "off paper" means when he has either served out his complete sentence and/or was paroled and finished his parole.

I'm not completely sure but yes if he has a sentence of 15 - life and is paroled and revokes his parole, he will go back for life. BUT I'm not completely sure about that.

Well...i just now found this forum...where the hell have i been?? Anywhoo... good thread. I met Lee while he was in, at the end of his 10 year bid (he was 16 when he went in) he got out April of '03. I got pregnant and had our daughter April of '04, he went back in July of '04 and is now serving 25 years...85% rule included. So things have been a little down hill...we've split up for now. But hopefully things will work out in the long run..who knows. I know i want them to, but it's up to him if he's going to change the attitude!

taylormade I can relate to your situation in many ways. keep your head up and keep the faith. you can make it through. I know I said to myself "I am young why am I putting myself and my kids through this" but it comes down to loving your man. :o There will be a lot of ups and downs and it will seem like a lot more downs then anything, but just remember do whatever you think is best for you and your child. That's what I had to do and I separated from my husband for almost 3 years and now we are back together. Things are a lot different now, but I am trying it again. No my husband doesn't have to go as long as yours but hopefully he won't be in there the whole 25 years. While my husband was out he wanted a baby so bad but it didn't happen. After he went back in and we separated I ended up getting pregnant with my son. I told my husband about it and he was accepting of him.:) I made sure he knew that it happened after we were thru. :thumbsup: Its crazy because my son looks so much like my husband instead of his :angry: sperm doaning father. :angry: I noticed we are around the same age, so if you feel like you need to vent or you have any questions you can pm me. I will do what I can to make this process a little easier for you.

Nicole

Met my Bd as a pen pal Because he help a friend of mine when he first got locked up. so i wrote him as a favor for my friend. Well he got out 6 months later and we ended up in a relationship. I got pregnant he went back 3 months later for 9 months came home and was out for 9 days. Went back and did a year got out and everything was cool but I had enough. We broke up and he was out for a year now he's doing 6 years and I've done 2 years with him so far 3 more to go. Sucker = yes
Famous statement= but i love him:cry: .

Hi ladies,
I've just posted a new thread about aTV documentary series that I'm working on but wanted to jump on this one quickly because wow, what a great community you have going here! Your stories are incredibly courageous and honest and I love the spirit between you all. Patty - did you set up this forum? I'd love to hear from some of you if you are willing. As I mentioned in the thread, the series looks at relationships that were formed during an incarceration and I'm looking for participants and stories right now. Email address removed per policy, please contact member via PM or threads.
Good luck to all of you,

I am in that situation kindof.. met through my bestfriend penpals 3 yrs did a year as his girlfriend, when out only lasted a month then he went back, and 6 months after he went back we decided to get married..

I met Darin through my friend. She was writing her boyfriend who was in and Darin happened to be his best friend. She sent her bf a picture of herself and I and Darin fell head over heels for me. We wrote each other for almost 2 years and then he got out. We barely hung out because he got back into the same stupid crap that he was doing before so we just stopped communicating. Then while doing a research project for my criminology class I decided to look him up in the offender search and I found out he was back in again. I sent him a letter this past October and he couldn't believe that I wanted to talk to him again. I've been visiting every week and I've fallen back in love with him. He gets out in July and I cannot wait. His mother and I have a plan to make sure he's on the right track. I pray that he stays straight this time... hopefully me being there will help out. I didn't know I wasn't alone in the situation! I'm glad there are others out there that have been through the same thing. Hope everyone is doing well. Take care and God Bless!!

I wish you the best of luck.

Guy and I "met" when I was incarcerated. His cellie was my cellie's fiancee and we started writing. After four years I was discharged and he had another two to go. I completed my parole, found a job, apartment, furniture, car, and waited for him to come home. It wasn't easy, but I was determined to make it. I always told him if he ever went back it would be without me. I felt very strongly if I could make it without any real support, then he would be able to make it with mine. I finally picked him up from SQ in August 2005 and brought him home. Three weeks later he was locked up again on a parole violation and a new charge. I was devastated and so angry. To make a long story short, after much soul searching I ended our 6 1/2 year relationship in January of last year. He will be out again in March and although I wish him all the best in the world we won't resume our relationship.

wow vicki thats a story 4 you...omg

Well....I guess I fit into this catagory now. We MWI back in June 2005. Got married March 2007 and he came home July 2007. We were unable, well I wouldn't say unable but we didn't live together right away because we live in different counties. He wanted to transfer to my county so I didn't move to his and we just kind of went through heck trying to get him transfered. Needless to say the transfer didn't happen and he was taken back on a violation. So here I am waiting again. Hopefully for only about 5 months and I'm moving to his county before he comes home.

My man and I met while he was incarcerated through a friend who was his cellie at the time( I knew the cellie 4 about 20 yrs and he was a very good friend). We started writing just as penpals bc neither of us wanted a realationship but as u knowwe dicovered we had alot of things in common and we both fell in love. We spent the next yr writing and I would visit at least twice a month ( when I could get a ride). He got home the beginning of January 2007 and by the middle of March 2007 he was back in on a VOP and new charge. He got impatient bc he couldn't find a job or get help so he did what he was used 2 doing and of course just down right stupid. He is now doing 15 yrs (well he will only do 9 yrs) and if all goes right he says he can give most of that time back and do maybe only 2 1/2 to 3 yrs. He knows I'll b here waiting. I hope when he gets out this time he never goes back. I tell him all the time his word is Patience.

I met Ralph as a pen pal six months ago. We started out as friends. We connected right away. Now I can't imagine being without him. I don't know much about his past and he doesn't know anthing about mine. He has asked me to wait for him to be faithful and I said yes. Here's a question I'm throwing out there to you all. Do you think I need to know of his previous time served? I started thinking about this after reading some of the posts here. I won't change my feelings for him. I just need to know more of what I'm getting myself into. Right?
EXACTLY, you probably won't change your feelings for him, but you at least need to know who you are waiting for, make a more sound decision (for lack of better wording). I looked my husband up to see what I was getting myself into because even though they are incarcerated they still behave like the ones walking around which means they lie.

we mwi, but i worked in there and met about 8000 other inmates also
granted i worked closey with about 250 of them--we didn't hook up til he was out, and one thing led to another and we fell in love
got married after a year, he went back in on a tech violation (parole) and did 3 months the first time which i waited faithfully on him for
then he got out and we moved to get away from all the drug/alcohol temptations and he lost it again and went back in another tech violation, for 4 months, then he got out and came home again
now he is back in with parole revoked and don't know how much time he's going to be in this time around---he's been gone since early oct 07
needless to say we have been thru our share of drama since we been together--i risked my career for him, and put it on the line willingly, but i beat that rap and sailed on professionally--we had a lot of emotional issues between us, not only the repeat incarcerations, but 5 miscarriages
and i think i'm ready to hang it up--he has never stood behind me, and never supported me when i've needed him in fact, he says even now that he has never been able to deal with the miscarriages or any other stress that i go thru (friends death, family drama etc)
so i don't think he is going to get it

Hi All, I really want to chime in on this discussion and I have so much I want to say because I have also experienced that situation (talked a little bit about it in the introduction). But my computer is REALLY slow and have a rough night, so I will get back to you all with my story when I have more time to share and I also want to finish reading the other posts. Gotta get some sleep!! Have a great night ladies! :)

My husband and I met because my brother felt it necessary to give out my address to those around him. At first, I was concerned and then I just figured if I never wrote back to any of them I wouldn't hear from them again. So, I didn't. Until I received the one from now husband. I received it the same day that we laid my grandmother to rest. I have a felling that she set the whole thing up!! He was the first and lst inmate that i ever wrote to.
Over the next month, we wrote everyday and talked a couple of times on the phone. At one month we got to visit. I was so nervous, I almost turned around and left. I'm so glad that I didn't. My son from a previous relationship,then 9 months and now 6, adores him to no end. His dad never had anything to do with him and still really doesn't. Although my son does know who he is. Recently he has asked me if "daddy" could adopt him, talking about my husband. My husband was elated.
Any way, after a year and a half long reltionship on the inside, we got married there. Again I was scared to death and almost didn't show. For another year and a half we were able to maintain that marriage even though there were ALOT of rough times, mainly because of me. We worked through and I

Mine got out after 13 years and couldnt even stay out a year. Oh well, ya gotta learn sometime to do right. Aint nothing worth your freedom. I was mad, well not really cause God already told me he was messing up, so...n-e-way, I think he has learned his lesson, he gets another chance come this November.
Inmates can talk the talk, but when tested, can they walk the walk it takes to stay free. They gotta change their hearts about doing bad things. Everybody knows right from wrong.