I saw this in another forum and I thought we should have it here...A place to share jokes, poems, inspirational stuff!

Christmas Cookie Recipe

1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup of brown sugar
1 tsp lemon juice
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
2 cups of dried fruit
1 bottle Crown Royal Reserve

Sample the Crown to check quality.

Take a large bowl.

Check the Crown again to be sure it is of
the highest quality. Pour one level cup and drink.
Turn on the electric mixer...Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
Add one teaspoon of sugar...Beat again.
At this point it's best to make sure the Crown is still OK,try another cup.. just in case.
Turn off the mixer thingy.
Break 2 eggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
Pick the frigging fruit off the floor...
Mix on the turner.
If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry itloose with a dewscriver.
Sample the Crown to check for tonsisticity.
Next, sift two cups of salt, or something.
Who giveshz a sheet.
Check the Crown Royal.
Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
Add one table.
Add a spoon of ar, or somefink.
Whatever you can find.
Greash the oven.
Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.
Don't forget to beat off the turnerer.
Finally, throw the bowl through the window.
Finsh the bottle of Crown Royal.
Make shure to put the shtove inna dishwasher.

CHERRY MISTMAS

Next Day: Go to the store and buy the cookies

El - I was gonna ask you how to make ceviche.
Also do you have a mole recipe that is not from the jar? the paste from the jar stinks.

I knew the Crown Royal was for the cook not the cookies!!

Hold up. This isnt a recipe thread?! Should i move this to the chat thread? Oh well. Ceviche and Mole are inspirational to me.:)

Hold up. This isnt a recipe thread?! Should i move this to the chat thread? Oh well. Ceviche and Mole are inspirational to me.:)

And they are too me as well! :D

love that cookie receipe! crown was my drink of choice for a long time 'til i switch back to jack!

darn, i should have saved those chinese proverb jokes i found the other day. lov, did i send the link to you?

Q: At lunch, what did Obi-Wan say to Luke?

A: "Use the forks, Luke."

IRISH GAS STATION

Taking a wee break from the golf course, Tiger Woods drives his new Mercedes into an Irish gas station. An attendant greets him in typical Irish manner, unaware who the golf pro is... "Top o' the mornin to ya". As Tiger gets out of the car, two tees fall out of his pocket. "So what are those things, laddie?" asks the attendant. "They're called tees," replies Tiger. "And what would ya be using 'em for, now?“ inquires the Irishman. "Well, they’re for resting my balls on when I drive," replies Tiger. "Aw, Jaysus, Mary an' Joseph!" exclaims the Irish attendant "Those fellas at Mercedes think of
everything."

OMG, El - these jokes are a hoot! I'll have to start posting the ones I get. I got a real cute one the other day. Hope I saved it to I can post.

:wave: I have one...

What Religion is Your Bra?

A man walked into the ladies department of Macy's and shyly asked the sales lady that he would like a bra for his wife. What type of bra?" asked the clerk. Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?

Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable.

Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from. Relieved, the man asked about the types The saleslady replied:

There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?
Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.

The Saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple...
The Catholic type supports the masses.
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen,
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and
The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills.

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the
letters used to define bra sizes?
If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!

(A} Almost Boobs...
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can't Complain!
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake.
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up !

HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!

This one is funny I'm sure you'll agree!

Subject: the obedient wife


There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me." And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!" She had a box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away.

So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband." The loyal wife replied "Listen, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him." "You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?" "I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it."

I must get 10 jokes a 10 - so i'll be posting since I don't want to look for a job! LOL

3 LADIES IN A HOT TUB



THREE WOMEN -- ONE GERMAN, ONE JAPANESE AND A HILLBILLY WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA. SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE GERMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEPING STOPPED THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY.

"THAT WAS MY PAGER," SHE SAID I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM."

A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE JAPANESE WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, "THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND."

THE HILLBILLY WOMAN FELT DECIDEDLY LOW TECH. NOT TO BE OUTDONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM. SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE Of TOILET PAPER
HANGING FROM HER BEHIND. THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.
THE HILLBILLY WOMAN FINALLY SAID,

"WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT, I'M GETTIN' A FAX."

March 14 was the birthday of Albert Einstein. It is a little known fact that when his marriage dissolved in 1919 he married his cousin Elsa Ludmier. He said he was attracted to Elsa because she was so abundantly endowed. He postulated that it was discovered that when a man is attracted to very large breasts that if there is a DNA factor that the attraction is much stronger. This theory was later known as Einstein's theory of relative titty.

Two girlfriends were talking one day and one said to the other that she was quite distressed because she never got any sex and couldn't get a date. Her friend listened to her problem and told her that she knew of a wonderful Chinese Doctor that was a sex specialist and if anyone could help her he could. Well, the woman made the appointment with Dr. Wong the sex doctor and was right on time for her appointment. When Dr. Wong listened to her explaination of what distressed her he instruct her to take off all of her crothes. Then Dr. Wong said, "Now, get on your hands and knees and craw rearry, rearry fast to other side of room." she did just as she was instructed and when she got to the other side of the room Dr. Wong said, "Now turn around and craw rearry, rearry fast back to me." Again, she did just as instructed. When finished, Dr. Wong shook his head and said, "Dr. Wong know probrem, you have Ed Zachary Syndrome! Worst case I ever see, nothing Dr. Wong can do, very, very sad you will never have sex with such Ed Zachary Syndrome, must put on crothes and go home, no come back!" Well she was just devestated and had never heard of this condition before so she asked Dr. Wong just what was this Ed Zachary Syndrome. Dr. Wong replied, "Very, very simple, your face look Ed Zachary like your ass!"
:eek:

Ladies Bumper Stickers (Sorry Rodg)



1. SO MANY MEN, SO FEW WHO CAN AFFORD ME.
2. GOD MADE US SISTERS, PROZAC MADE US FRIENDS.
3. IF THEY DON'T HAVE CHOCOLATE IN HEAVEN, I AIN'T GOING.
4. MY MOTHER IS A TRAVEL AGENT FOR GUILT TRIPS.
5. PRINCESS, HAVING HAD SUFFICIENT EXPERIENCE WITH PRINCES, SEEKS FROG.
6. COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN ... SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER RICH.
7. DON'T TREAT ME ANY DIFFERENTLY THAN YOU WOULD THE QUEEN.
8. IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED, SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN.
9. DINNER IS READY WHEN THE SMOKE ALARM GOES OFF.
10. I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN - AND I HAVE A GUN.
11. GUYS HAVE FEELINGS TOO. BUT LIKE...WHO CARES?
12. NEXT MOOD SWING: 6 MINUTES.
13. AND YOUR POINT IS?
14. WARNING: I HAVE AN ATTITUDE AND I KNOW HOW TO USE IT.
15. OF COURSE I DON'T LOOK BUSY...I DID IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME.
16. DO NOT START WITH ME. YOU WILL NOT WIN.
17. YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT, SO PLEASE SHUT UP.
18. ALL STRESSED OUT AND NO ONE TO CHOKE.
19. I'M ONE OF THOSE BAD THINGS THAT HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE.
20. HOW CAN I MISS YOU IF YOU WON'T GO AWAY?
21. SORRY IF I LOOKED INTERESTED. I'M NOT.
22. IF WE ARE WHAT WE EAT, I'M FAST, CHEAP AND EASY.
23. DON'T UPSET ME! I'M RUNNING OUT OF PLACES TO HIDE THE BODIES

How Old Do You Want to Be?

I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and
exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him,
"Do you think I'll live to be 80?"
He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco or drink Beer or wine?"
"Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either."
Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"
I said, "No, my other Doctor said that all red meat is very
unhealthy!"
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing,
hiking, or bicycling?"
No, I don't," I said.
He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"
No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."
He looked at me and said, "Then why do you give a shit?"

Tequila and Salt

This should probably be taped to your bathroom mirror where one could read it every day. You may not realize it, but it's 100% true.

1. There are at least two people in this world that you
would die for.

2. At least 15 people in this world love you in some way.

3. The only reason anyone would ever hate you is because they want to be just like you.

4. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't like you.

5. Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to sleep.

6. You mean the world to someone.

7. You are special and unique.

8. Someone that you don't even know exists loves you.

9. When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from it.

10. When you think the world has turned its back on you take another look.

11. Always remember the compliments you received. Forget about the rude remarks.

And always remember....when life hands you Lemons, ask for tequila and salt and call me over !!!!!

Mommy, Daddy, and Aunt Jane


Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off. Then Aunt Jane...

At this point Mommy cut him off and said "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story... "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off.

Then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the army."

Moral: Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt.

Keep Your Fork

There was a young woman who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness and had been given three months to live. So as she was getting her things "in order," she contacted her pastor and had him come to her house to discuss certain aspects of her final wishes. She told him which songs she wanted sung at the service, what scriptures she would like read, and what outfit she wanted to be buried in.

Everything was in order and the pastor was preparing to leave when the young woman suddenly remembered something very important to her. "There's one more thing," she said excitedly. "What's that?" came the pastor's reply. "This is very important," the young woman continued. "I want to be buried with a fork in my right hand."

The pastor stood looking at the young woman, not knowing quite what to say.! "That surprises you, doesn't it?" the young woman asked. "Well, to be honest, I'm puzzled by the request," said the pastor. The young woman explained. "My grandmother once told me this story, and from there on out, I have always done so. I have also, always tried to pass along its message to those I love and those who are in need of encouragement. 'In all my years of attending church socials and potluck dinners, I always remember that when the dishes of the main course were being cleared, someone would inevitably lean over and say, 'Keep your fork.' It was my favorite part because I knew that something better was coming . Like velvety chocolate cake or deep-dish apple pie. Something wonderful, and with substance! So, I just want people to see me there in that casket with a fork in my hand and I want them to wonder "What's with the fork?". Then I want you to tell them: "Keep your fork the best is yet to come." The pastor's eyes welled up with tears of joy as he hugged the young woman good-bye.

He knew this would be one of the last times he would see her before her death. But he also knew that the young woman had a better grasp of heaven than he did. She had a better grasp of what heaven would be like than many people twice her age, with twice as much experience and knowledge. She KNEW that something better was coming.

At the funeral people were walking by the young woman's casket and they saw the pretty dress she was wearing and the fork placed in her right hand. Over and over, the pastor heard the question "What's with the fork?" And over and over he smiled. During his message, the pastor told the people of the conversation he had with the young woman shortly before she died.

He also told them about the fork and about what it symbolized to her. The pastor told the people how he could not stop thinking about the Fork and told them that they probably would not be able to stop thinking about it either. He was right.

So the next time you reach down for your fork, let it remind you ever so gently, that the best is yet to come. Friends are a very rare jewel, indeed. They make you smile and encourage you to succeed. They lend an ear, they share a word of praise, and they always want to open their hearts to us. Show your friends how much you care. Remember to always be there for them, even when you need them more. For you never know when it may be their time to "Keep your fork."

Cherish the time you have, and the memories you share. Being friends with someone is not an opportunity but a sweet responsibility.

Subject: The confessional


A man goes to confession in the Catholic Church. "Father, it has been one month since my last confession," he confesses, "and I have had sex with Nookie Green every week for the last month." The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Marys."

Soon after, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the last two months." This time the priest questions, "Who is Nookie Green?" "A new woman in the neighborhood," the sinner replies. "Very well, "sighs the priest "Go and say ten Hail Mary's."

At Mass the next morning, as the priest prepares to deliver his sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop dead gorgeous woman enters the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down right in front of the priest! Her dress is green and VERY short,
with matching shiny emerald green shoes.

The priest and altar boy gasp, as the woman in the matching shoes and dress sits with her legs slightly spread apart. The priest turns to the altar boy and whispers, "Is that Nookie Green?" The bug-eyed altar boy can't believe his ears but replies, "No, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes."

http://usera.imagecave.com/Elyka/easterbunny.bmp.jpg

El .and Q, you guys make me smile and laugh. Thanks

Lov - I live to make people laugh and feel happy - especially you, dear! Glad to know someone cares! :love:

No sense of humor...

My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while? we are in bed.

I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No." She answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
Yes." She replied.

Then I said, " I'd like to phone a friend."
?
That's the last thing I remember.

Osama

While trying to escape through Pakistan, Osama Bin
Laden found a Bottle on a beach and picked it up.


Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and
with a smile said "Master, may I grant you one wish?"

"You ignorant, unworthy daughter-of-a-dog!
Don't you know who I am?
I don't need any common woman giving me anything"
barked Bin Laden.
The shocked genie said "Please, I must grant you a
wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever."


Osama thought a moment, then grumbled about the
impertinence of the woman and said
"Very well, I want to awaken with three American
women in my bed in the morning.
So just do it and be off with you!"


The annoyed genie said, "So be it !"
and disappeared.

The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with -
Lorena Bobbitt,
Tonya Harding,
and Hillary Clinton.


His penis was gone,
his knees were broken,
and he had no health insurance.

God is good.

:ha: good one

CHINESE PROVERBS
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run in front of car get tired.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*! ~*~*~*
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*!
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

http://usera.imagecave.com/Elyka/stressedkitty-copy.jpg

True Friendship

Are you tired of those sissy-ass "friendship" poems that
always sound good, but never actually come close to reality? Well, here
is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship:

1. When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and
plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.

2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever
is choking you.

3. When you smile -- I will know you finally got laid.

4. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it
every chance I get.

5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible
stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining.

6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.

7. When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until
you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your
clumsy ass.

9. This is my oath..... I pledge it to the end. "Why?"
you may ask; "because you are my friend".

Send this to 10 of your closest friends, then get
depressed because you can only think of 4.

Remember.......A good friend will help you move.....a
REALLY good friend will help you move a body.......let me know if
you ever need me to bring a shovel.

Friendship is like peeing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you
can feel the true warmth

I've learned that you cannot make
someone love you. All you can do is
stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

I've learned that no matter how much I care,
some people are just assholes.

I've learned that it takes years
to build up trust, and it only takes
suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I'v learned that you can get by
on charm for about fifteen minutes.
After that, you'd better have a big willy
or huge boobs.

I've learned that you shouldn't
compare yourself to others - they are
more screwed up than you think.

I've learned that you can keep vomiting,
long after you think you're finished.

I've learned that we are responsible
for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

I've learned that regardless of
how hot and steamy a relationship is at
first, the passion fades, and there had better
be a lot of money to take its place!

I've learned that 99% of the time when
something isn't working in your house, one
of your kids did it.

I'v learned that the people you care most
about in life are taken away from you too soon
and all the less important ones just never go away.

Pass this along to 5 friends...trust me, they'll
appreciate it. Who knows, maybe something
good will happen.

If not...tough $hit.

Man: Where have you been all my life?
Woman: Hiding from you.

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.

Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing

Men Are Just Happier People

What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station rest room because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache..
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.

And you think you had a rough weekend.



A man went to the doctor's office to get a double dose of viagra. The doctor told him that he couldn't allow him a double dose. "Why not?" asked the man. "Because it's not safe," replied the doctor. "But I need it really bad," said the man. "Well, why do you need it so badly?" sked the doctor. The man said, "My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday, my ex-wife will be here on Saturday. My wife is coming home on Sunday. Can't you see? I must have a double dose."

The doctor finally relented saying, "Okay, I'll give it to you, but you have to come in on Monday morning so that I can check you to see if there are any side effects."

On Monday, the man dragged himself in, his right arm in a sling. The doctor asked, "What happened to you?"

The man said, "No one showed up".

YOUR HAIR SMELLS GOOD

Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the
coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair
smells good. After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her
complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she
wants to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks, "What's
sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells good?"

The woman replies, "It's Keith, the midget."

:ha: Q, good one.

Subject: LAWYERS AT THEIR BEST

These are from a book called Disorder in
the Courts of America , and are things people
actually said in court, word for word, taken down
and now published by court reporters that had the
torment of staying calm while these exchanges were
actually taking place. Enjoy!

ATTORNEY: Are you s*xually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the
moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one
living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I
can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your
husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that
when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know
about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar
exam?

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your
picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of
the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that
time?
WITNESS: Uh....

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage
terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it
terminated?

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and
had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this
morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent
to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go
to work.

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral,
OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.

The winner!


ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you
examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30
p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the
time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table
wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!


ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the
autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood
pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the
patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on
my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still
been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could
have been alive and practicing law.

Hilarious, Smal! Thank you!

Five tips for a woman....
1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.

2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.

3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.

4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.

5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.

:haha: amen!

Prison and Work



Just in case you ever get these two environments mixed up, this should make things a little bit clearer.



IN PRISON..........you spend the majority of your time in a 10X10 cell

AT WORK...........you spend the majority of your time in an 8X8 cubicle.



IN PRISON.........you get three meals a day.

AT WORK..........you get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.



IN PRISON..........you get time off for good behavior.

AT WORK...........you get more work for good behavior.



IN PRISON..........the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.

AT WORK...........you must often carry a security card and open all the doors for yourself.



IN PRISON..........you can watch TV and play games.

AT WORK...........you could get fired for watching TV and playing games.



IN PRISON.........you get your own toilet.

AT WORK..........you have to share the toilet with some people who pee on the seat or leaves dirty clothes on floor.



IN PRISON...........they allow your family and friends to visit.

AT WORK............you aren't even supposed to speak to your family.



IN PRISON.........all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required.

AT WORK..........you get to pay all your expenses to go to work, and they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.



IN PRISON..........you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.

AT WORK ..........you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.



IN PRISON........ .you must deal with sadistic wardens.

AT WORK...........they are called managers.



Now get back to work. You're not getting paid to check emails!

A contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" had
reached the final plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $32,000 milestone money.

As she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no pushover. It was, "Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds? Is it A) the condor; B) the buzzard; C) the cuckoo; or (D) the vulture?"

The woman was on the spot. She did not know the
answer. And she was doubly on the spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Ask the Audience. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline.

The woman hoped she would not have to use it because ... her friend was, well .. blonde.

She had no alternative so she called her friend and
gave her the question and the four choices. The blonde responded without hesitation, "That's easy. The answer is C: The cuckoo."

The contestant had to make a decision and make it
fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis any answer except the one that her friend had given her, and considering that her friend was blonde, that may be the logical thing to do. On the other hand - the blonde had responded with such confidence, such certainty, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded.

I need an answer," said Regis.

Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C: The
cuckoo."

"Is that your final answer?" asked Regis. "Yes, that
is my final answer."

After hemming and hawing for a minute, Regis said, "That answer is ...absolutely correct! You are now a millionaire!"

Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for
her family and friends including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars.

"Tiffany, I just do not know how to thank you,"
said the contestant. "How did you happen to know the right answer?"

"Oh, come on," said the blonde. "Everybody knows that
cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks."

A biker was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking...the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific. The concrete and steel it would take. It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside; what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment; why she cries; what she means when she says 'nothing's wrong'; and how I can make her truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

Sorry - PTO turned the schpeil into code!