Is it wrong that I am pretty much abandoning my dad for raping a girl my age a few years ago??? Some people tell me it is some people tell me its not. I feel so confused because the people telling me that it is wrong are people in my family like my aunt and uncle but they dont understand where I'm coming from....... The people who tell me It's not wrong are my mom and 2 of my best friends..... The others are all undecided and dont know what to tell me..... Dont get me wrong there is still a place in my heart for my dad but I dont know if i could ever just hang out with him again knowing he did what he did...... I am so lost and confused I think I need some help :(

Please help me I need some advice....... Please help anybody....

DO YOU WRITE HIM NOW? WHAT KIND OF RELATIONSHIP DO YOU HAVE WITH HIM NOW? WHAT ARE YOU COMFORTABLE WITH RIGHT NOW BECAUSE AS YOU GET OLDER YOU MAY CHANGE YOUR MIND ON THINGS AND THAT'S HOW WE LEARN ABOUT OURSELVES AND LIFE IN GENERAL.

PunkRocker,

The answer to your question has to come from within. And I believe the answer is fluid. Like a shift-changer it can change from day to day, hour to hour, minute to minute.

The key is in finding forgiveness. You can love the sinner and hate the sin. After all, this is your father we are talking about.

I don't doubt for a minute that you don't love him.
Your best friend in this matter may be time. Don't close the door completely and leave a little homelight burning in your soul for your dad.

Love and aloha,

Freya

I understand your feelings very well. I don't blame you for how you're feeling, and I think you need to give yourself time to heal. Your mom and your two best friends are probably the best ones to listen to. You just do what you feel you can cope with. Forcing yourself to have anything to do with your dad when your heart isn't in it would be the wrong thing to do at this time. If later on, your inability to forgive your dad is giving you trouble, maybe you could seek some counselling. Forgiving is something we do to heal ourselves, we don't do it for the person we're forgiving, although sometimes amends are made that way. But for the time being, just give yourself time and space. And it might be a healing thing for you if you were to write your father a letter, telling him just how you feel very honestly. You can either mail the letter to him, or not, whichever you want. You could even put the letter away and just save it for some time later on when you want to send it to him. The very most important thing is that you be allowed to heal. Give yourself that time. If some of your family don't understand, then they'll just have to not understand. Hugs! I'll keep you in my prayers.

He's your dad. Follow your heart.

Do what is best for you now and your feelings may change down the line.This must be very hard for you, God Bless

Unfortunately, only you know what is best for you. If you decide you need a break to work out how you feel about this, that does not mean it is forever. Take you time, maybe talk to a counselor. You do not have to make this decision today.

But I feel so bad because I'm leaving him but at the same time I dont know if I can handle being there for him knowing that the girl he did everything too was one of my cousins best friends

Can you write your dad a letter and tell him how you feel? That you love him, but you can't quit thinking about what he did and how you feel about it?

That's being honest....

Deb

Yes, its wrong. One of my friends Christine that has happened to her. People can change. Dont cancel your father out of your life just because he made a mistake in his past. He has a right to know you. And about being alone together. Ya'll can be alone but make sure its like in a place where if he does try anything you can have a person there. Like in another room.Or if ya'll went out and ate.
Hope I helped,
JenJen

If I were you I would take some time, step back and just tune into your feelings about this whole thing....I know you must be hurt that your father did this, scared, angry etc....and what I would do is TELL HIM these feelings....let him know how his actions have affected your life..I also believew that people do change but I think that is something he has to prove to you and not something that you can just expect to happen...remember you can always love him without agreeing with what he did.....just try and deal with your feelings now befoer they fester and get worse and them you arent able to confront him.....remember we are all here for you!! GOOD LUCK!

thank you guys so much for giving me advice but i do write him.......... in all my life hes let me down.......... he walked out on me and my mom when i was like 3 or 4....... he walked away and never looked back........ a few years later he wants to be in my life and he promises that he'll take me everytime he's supposed to........ a week later he doesnt show up........ hes been like that all my life and only changed when he wanted to impress some woman with his "father" like behavior......... i dont think i want to have him in my life......... i dont kno........ im still unsure....... but i do kno tha i need to take a lil break from talking to him b/c its jst bringing me down everytime i do. thanx for the advice again

Hey punkrocker,

Well ok first ithink you should follow your heart..
I kinda think that you should walk away from him because if he wants to walk away from you and put you down you dont deserve a father like him...
But then again he is your father..
Okay i think you should leave him.
Katie :wave:

H punkrocker,
This is a hard one. My Dad didn't cmmit a crime but, he did hurt me a lot mentally. He does not correspnd with me at all. But, I always end him a Christmas and Birthday card in which I tell him how myself and Grand and Gread Grand children are doing. I do this for me because it makes me feel like I'm doing the right thing by "Honering my Father". But, I do not have any desire to see or talk to him. So, I guess I'm saying regardless of what anyone says, do whatever makes YOU feel good because you are the most important person in this issue. Got ya in my Prayers......
Donna

No, I don't think you are abandoning him. My advice is to write him a letter telling him exactly what you are feeling right now. He needs to learn to deal with that. Tell him that you are hurting inside and that you need to step away from him for a while. You don't need to cut him off from your life compeletly, just give yourself some time to heal. It sounds like this is all still pretty recent for you, so get your feeling out and then give yourself some time to heal. As for family members who don't understand, forget about them-this is your decision to make not theirs.

unfortunately that's a consequence that people who are guilty of crimes have to endure.. the reaction of the other person. forcing yourself to have a relationship with man you are so upset with could be detrimental to your mental health. take all the time you need. if one day you feel the need to foegive him, or to try and understand him then great. if not, don't kick yourself about it.

;) Hey Sweetie,

First, let me say how sorry I am that you are going through what you are. If I could reach out & give you a great big hug, I would! But since I can't, I bet if you asked your mom, she would probably give you a hug for me & another hug from her!

It probably seems like "life just isn't fair" right now and that you're "stuck cleaning up all the messes," doesn't it? But, do you know what? I bet when you become an adult, you're going to make something really great out of yourself. And, I bet that you're not going to give any guy who treats you bad a second look. Because, after all that you've been through, you'll know that you deserve sooooooo much better! Heck, I even bet the man that you pick to be the father for your children, will be the best, most loving, daddy in the whole wide world because you refused to settle for anything less!

What your dad did was wrong, honey, & regardless if he admits it or not, he knows it. What your aunt & uncle are doing is wrong too, but only because they are trying to fix things that aren't theirs to fix. Your dad is the one that chose to do what he did; therefore he is the one who needs to do what he has to fix it. We adults we sometimes really make a mess out of things. We forget that our kids are still kids & that they shouldn't have to deal with all the grown-up stuff that will only drag them down. We forget that our kids should be out riding around, listening to music, blading, hanging with friends, & just doing whatever it is that they like to do for fun (as long as it doesn't hurt anyone or isn't against the law or anything, he.he. lol). But, from what you told us, your mom doesn't fall into this classification, so she's the one I think you should listen to the most.

It's sad honey that you, or any other child ever has to go through what you are currently going through. It's humiliating, embarrassing, and worse all it hurts, because no matte what this person that did this is still your dad. But you know what sweetie, he is who he is and you are you are. And, if anyone judges you based upon what he did, then you don't need him or her around.

When your dad behaved badly, lied to you, neglected you, and basically abandoned you, he threw away all rights he had to expect you not to do the same to him. You do whatever in your heart feels right. If one day you want to write him, write him, if one day you don't, then don't. If you're mad at him and you want him to know, tell him; if you don't want to tell him, then you can tell your mom, tell your aunt & uncle, tell whomever you want to. I'm going to pray for you sweetie, and I'm going to keep tabs on you. Now, do this for me, sit up straight, pull your shoulders back, raise your chin, & smile. Then hold that pose, stand up, & walk straight to the biggest mirror in your house. Then take a real good look at that beautiful girl looking back at you and promise her that you're going to be her new best friend and that any time someone gives her grief you'll be there to remind her that "no matter what, she's special, she's pretty, and she doesn't have to do anything other that just be a kid, have fun, play, enjoy life, think about boys, put on make-up, blade, or whatever else it is that she (really you) wants to do.

My heart goes out to you, and I want you to know that I love you, and will always be here for you if you ever need a friend.

Now, be good, but have fun . . . life's too short to waste another minute looking behind you to see what it is that you could've, should've, would've done!

Love always,

Someone whose truly cares ;)

:fb:

Hey it's me again,

Sorry about the poor grammer and poor sentence structure there at the end of my last e-mail: it's past this old lady's bed time, ha! Hey, I just reread your second posting, and you know what, you're a very intelligent person. You've played your dad's game all your life, and from now on, he's going to have to find someone else to play it or he's going to have to resort to playing it your way. You set the rules, if he wants to follow them, great, if not then it's his loss, not yours!

You rock punkrocker!

Chiilin in your corner:p

You have every right to feel whatever feelings you are. I can't imagine being in your situation or how awkward it would be. I think that the decision is completely yours, and either way...your not doing the wrong thing.

Go on your feelings and if you feel you don't need to be around him then don't. Don't let anyone tell you what's right and what's wrong here...because only you can distinguish between that. You should advise your fathers family that they can make their own decisions whether or not to keep contact with him...and let you make yours.

Carrie

Punkrocker,

I am sorry that you are in this position where you have to feel this way. From what you have said he has been a serious let down all of your life. You need to think about all what you've been thru and are currently going thru and see if you want to deal with the same man. I know he is your dad and you've mad it clear that he will always remain that too you. but in your situation only you can tell you what you need to do. let your heart and consience be your guide. what ever you choose know that all of us here at PTO will be here if you ever need us.

Maybe You Should Write Him - Explain To Him How You Feel About How He Has Walked Away From You So Many Time, When He Finds It Right From Him To Be There - Then He Shows Up - Don't Let Him Play Mind Games With You, He's Your Dad By Birth - But Who Has Been There For You Always? Don't Feel You Need To Be There From Him, If You Want To Be There Then Do It, But Not Just B/c He Needs Someone . What Goes Around - Will Come Around, Take A Break, Then If You Want To Go Back To Writing Him Or Being With Him Then Maybe It Was Meant To Be. Best Of Luck. Your The Child And Should Never Have To Feel Like You Have To Be There For A Parnet - When You Were Left Crying And All Alone. It Is Sad, But A Least He Might Be Able To Open His Eyes And See What You Have Seen, Thinking May Do Him A Lot Of Good, Just Like I Said Early - If It Was Meant To Be It Will Be- Stay Strong, And Follow Your Feelings On This One, Walk With Pride

Do what you feel is right but I do understand. My husband isn't the best father to his older children and was in and out of our oldest son's life. My son resents him at times and like I tell my son, it's okay to feel that way. He let you down. I also see the older kids hurting but thing I wished they would do is tell him how they feel. If nothing else, your Dad needs to know it isn't just this one incident that made you feel the way you do. He's always going to be your father but you can find peace by going with your heart.

Hugs to you and good luck.

Do NOT think you owe him anything! Did you ask to be brought into this world? Did he support you and was he there for you as a child? No. Just because he is your Father does not give him the right to tear up your life. You have to do what's best for you. He has others to stand by him. His brother and sister, whatever. You are not his keeper, his mother or in any real sense of the word, his daughter. Having sex with your mom does not make him your dad. Being there for you when you needed him, that would have!! Walk away if you need to. He did, long ago. It's funny how they always say stuff like "He deserves to know you", blah blah. If he had wanted to know you he would have stayed in your life! I'm sorry if this sounds bad but I know too many people who would and have done anything to be in their children's lives and I have known way to many who haven't cared and abandoned their children. You need to put your feeling and needs first! Take care of yourself. He lived without you for years didn't he? What ever you decide, do it for you not because others tell you to! Stay strong. (hugs) Enjay

Punkrocker,
I Can Unserstand Your Feeling Towards Your Dad. I Have Been On Both Sides Of It Now. My Step Dad (who Was Like My Real Dad) Was In Prison When I Was 12, And Now My Fiance, The Father Of My Twin Toddlers Is In. As Far As My Step Dad, I Was Very Angry, And Hurt For Him Getting In Trouble, And I Fealt Like Him Getting Incarcerated Was Like Abandoning Our Family. I Wanted Nothing To Do With Him, During His Incarceration. I Would Go To No Visits W/ My Mother, I Would Not Answer His Letters, Nor Talk To Him On The Phone When He Called. This Is What I Fealt In My Heart, At The Time, What I Wanted To Do, How I Knew How To Deal W/ It, And The Only Way I Was Able To Have Some Control Of The Situation. Yes, He Was Hurt. Yes, Family Told Me It Was Not Right, That He Had Always Been My Father. But, I Was Hurt Too, And I Was Going To Let Him Know It The Way A 12yr Old Knows How To.
Now My Husband, And The Father Of My Babies Is Incarcerated. Now It Is A Whole Different Story For Me. Yes, I Am Angry At Him For Leaving Me To Take Care Of Our Children Alone, And The Struggles That We Have To Face Daily, Cause Of All Of This. Still Though, I Have Remained On His Side. I Am Doing Everything That Is Possible, So That He May Get Out Soon, And Stay In This Country W/ His Kids, And Me. I Do Get Mad At Him Though For Things, Even Though I Am Here For Him. A Lot Of Times Though It Is Something On The Outside, That Has Caused This Anger To Come Out, And Really Not Him Directly. I Do Have People Now With Him, Telling Me To Just Leave Him, And Move The Kids, And Myself On, But I Cannot Do That, Cause He Is The Man I Love. He Is A Risk, I Am Willing To Take.
Just Remember That You Have To Follow Your Heart. Everyone In Life Will Always Give Your Their Opinions, Whether You Want It, Or Not. Only You Though, Can Make The Decision For Yourself What You Want. Yes, It Will Anger Someone, But They Don't Have To Walk In Your Footsteps, And Conscious. Keep Your Head Up Girl. You Will Find The Answers Within Yourself. No One Else.
U Can Pm If U Want Someone To Talk To.

Hello!!!


I wanted to respond to your post because I myself have disowned my father for his atrocious behavior while I was growing up. He beat my mother every chance he had, and as soon as I moved out at 18 I pretty much drew that line in the sand when it came to him. I am now 47 years old, and that man I let no where near myself, my husband nor my son. It was the best thing I ever did and to this day I have no regrets. I do not miss him at all. There hasn't been any contact between us over many, many years and there won't be anytime in the future. Over my lifetime so far, I have realized that blood does not make a family. Only love, honor, trust and respect do. There are ways to show that love and there are ways not too. He definitely has no clue as to the right way. Still doesn't. My younger sister keeps in contact with him and he will always be the same man he always was. Once an a$$hole, always an a$$hole, is my slogan.

Only you can decide for yourself whether or not you desire to continue a relationship with your dad. If you choose not too, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that decision regardless of what others have to say. Don't let them give you that line that "he is family" crap. That is just what it is - CRAP!!!! Like I have told my relatives over the years, he is no family member of mine - and I choose not to allow him anywhere near my own immediate family. I Never will. Yes, I have heard it all from other members of the family over the years trying to get me to see him. Not going to happen. They don't like it, but have learned that this is my choice and that they have to respect it. If they don't, then I don't need to see or hear from them either. He is a brutal monster and I want absolutely nothing to do with him. My immediate family of husband and son come first to me. I realized early on that I don't need people in my life who continually cause harm and heartache for everyone around them. I wouldn't choose to have friends in my life like my father, so why in the world would I subject myself to being around him? I wouldn't. They either accept that or they don't. This has been my choice and works for me very well. Best decision I ever made. Family is defined differently by many people and I believe over time you will find that definition that works for you. Stick by that definition and if your father fits into that definition somewhere good, but if not - like I said before, that is okay too.

Is it wrong that I am pretty much abandoning my dad for raping a girl my age a few years ago??? Some people tell me it is some people tell me its not. I feel so confused because the people telling me that it is wrong are people in my family like my aunt and uncle but they dont understand where I'm coming from....... The people who tell me It's not wrong are my mom and 2 of my best friends..... The others are all undecided and dont know what to tell me..... Dont get me wrong there is still a place in my heart for my dad but I dont know if i could ever just hang out with him again knowing he did what he did...... I am so lost and confused I think I need some help :(i understand were you are coming from o have close to the same problem my sons dad molested him and severel people and i am told i am wroung hang in there and follow your heart