So I've been pen-palling with this guy for a short time and bam! out of nowhere, I realize that I have feelings for him. He's recently been hinting at the same. It's not as easy as just wondering if I'm being used since there is a whole lot more to the situation. I am married and have 6 1/2 more years to serve on my "sentence" before the pre-nup allows me to walk away from the marriage and be set for life. While he is a good and kind man, I don't love my husband and as shallow and horrible as it sounds, am basically biding my time until the terms laid out in the pre-nup are met. I never should have married this man because I did so for all of the wrong reasons. That's on my conscience and I live with that every day.

Now to the 'pal. I recently laid him out over something that I thought that he lied about. He gave a plausible explanation and wrote that he'd understand if I couldn't forgive him and he'd go away quietly. That's so not what I want. He finally admitted (could be lying, I just don't know) that he has feelings for me and doesn't know how he allowed that to happen. I know so very little about this guy that I can't believe in such a short time I really care about him.

Ah, but there's more. I may have nelected to tell him about the marriage thing. I have written to him and asked him to call me because I will tell him and would rather do so on the phone and not just in a letter. I'm positively sick to my stomach over this because thoughts of this guy occupy every waking (and sleeping, for that matter) thought. I am so confused.

I don't know that there is any advice that you can give me, I really just needed to vent. If you do have anything to suggest, please feel free because goodness knows, I need all of the help that I can get. What a mess!! Please don't flame because I KNOW (more than I can ever tell you) that I am totally in the wrong in every aspect of this mess of my own creation.

Oh Hon', I am almost in your exact situation. I feel sick about it all the time too. If you would like to chat anytime please pm me.

Cindy

honesty is the best policy...so i say tell him and take it from there.......((((((((hugs)))))))))))) all will work out.......

angela

I am married (long story, not love) and know that realisticlly after R get's out in 2 years he/we will not be ready to financially support our families. We both have kids. My husband has $$ and I am working on my degree. WE briefly discuss options we have once he gets out while we wait ( 5 years from now before divorce is option). But our relationship is so new that we take it one day at a time. We both only wanted a friendship but after a few letters we realized there is something more there. WE are working to develop that constantly. Afterall, we have 2 years left to really get to know each other. WHo knows where God will lead us!
Good Luck

Wow I think I'd rather be broke, sounds a lot less complicated. The secrets/lies would really get to me. Loving an incarcerated man that you've never known in the free world is roller coaster ride enough. I'd be concerned about the karma points being stacked against me as I believe what goes around comes around.

All that is just me personally but y'all are grown and you're gonna do as you see fit. Things happen for a reason, best of luck ...

Patty

Good luck with this!! It'll all work out for the best I'm sure. Just remember it's always best to be honest

Lorax ~
I hope you find the answers you need within yourself...It sounds like some communication needs to happen between you, your husband and your new friend. At one point or another hearts are going to get hurt...Good luck...

DLG

Patty- You're so right about karma, I too am a big believer in what comes around goes around- makes this even worse.

I wish that I knew what to do but I'm so confused. Thoughts of this guy are in my head all of the time. I don't know how I allowed this to happen. I so didn't mean for this to happen. We were supposed to be just friends. To make matters worse, I truly don't know if he's genuine. I haven't known him long enough to know who he is and what he's about. I just wish I knew what to do.

Honesty is the BEST policy. R knows everything about my life; everything. My husband and I have been on opposite ends of the spectrum well before I met R. Even so, I was just looking for a friend. Something else happened though. My current knows I am not in love with him and he knows about R.
The only thing you can do is be completely honest with everyone and see what happens. How many years does this man have left to serve? Like I told R. We have 2 more years to develop our friendship and if we still believe we are meant to be when he gets out then we will go from there. You have time to make sure he's real with you, your real with yourself and you know for sure he is the one.

Good Luck

Oh boy apart from the marriage thing, this could be me writing, so glad someone else out there is confused and lost control of their feelings. I have just starting to writing to someone and I live in europe so no phone contact and like you i have spend every hour of every day thinking about him since he wrote. i feel a total idiot, this is not supposed to happen to us mature women is it and especially not over a letter for heaven sake. please write me private mail if you want to vent cause i do too

Wow!!! It's best that you are honest w/ him. You don't want to begin a relationship based upon deception. Do you think it's best that you wait until the divorce is final. Six years is a long time and you don't know what can happen.

What ever you decide to do, try to lessen the potential drama, frustration, chaos, etc. for all of this can be a bitc.. if it comes back to haunt you.

Best wishes.

An update: we've actually spoken at length and to my surprise he wasn't angry at all. We've spoken on the phone about 4 times since he received my letter of explanation. Since the phone time is so short, we only talked about it once but I should be getting 2-3 long letters tomorrow. He said that we both have baggage and it's nothing that we can't deal with together. He called me his baby on the phone tonight. :D

Wow that really sounds complicated, I don't want to sound mean or anything, but honestly I would just tell my husband the truth, I would rather just get by on my own than live miserable with someone that I don't love. Now, I understand that I'm not in your situtation so it's different, and because everything and everyone is different, I totally give you my support.

Rebeca

I think that each situation is completely different with different circumstances sounding it. I wouldn't want to give up a marriage and a "good life" for something so new either.
You know how you and he feel; so that's what's important. Just take it one day at a time! Your lucky you aren't waiting and wondering! :-)

Hey RH- I just pm'ed you. I'm home tonight so call me if you need to talk.

UPDATE: My guy and I have admitted our feelings for each other. I told him the truth about everything and he said that he totally understands that it's where I need to be for the moment. He and I have a lifetime to figure out how we're going to make "us" work.

WOW, Not trying to make things harder on you ladies but here is a few considerations. "Grass always looks greener on the other side"...I mean these men you are falling in love with are inmates and do you honestly know what they can and will offer you or your futures? not to mention your children. I would be smart about things before telling the husbands anything just yet. Don't forget, once they come home and you are actually spending real free world lives with them maybe then you should decide what your next moves should be. Just advice and please take no offense to what I am offering you. I never judge people. I am a Romantic and I love a good love story, but I also know reality is not a love novel. Good luck to each of you....Jeannie