How do you feel about his crime? Do you just deal with it or is it a sore spot in your relationship?

My fiance was convicted of an absolutely horrific crime. He says he's innocent and for my own sanity, I have to believe him. I HATE what he was convicted of, but it doesnt change my love for him.

So how do you deal with it, Denial? Acceptance? Forgiveness?
What wouldnt you put up with, crime wise?

Oh, not looking to hear what they did, only how you feel about it.

I have mixed feelings about what he did. It's a pretty bad thing, but I realize that he wasn't in his right mind at the time. Not that I make excuses for him, because that's not what I'm doing. I guess I accept it, and let it go. We don't talk about it that often, he knows he can talk to me about it whenever he wants, and when I go out to visit him we will talk about it face to face.

Sometimes I end up wondering how he did what he did, but that was years ago, and he's a different person now.

We believe that the past should stay in the past. He's my present and my future, and our pasts led us to each other.

What wouldn't I put up with? I haven't really thought about that because I think that it would depend on circumstances around what that person did. I never though I would be with someone who did what my fiancé did, but I can't change his actions.

Sebastian has been very candid with me about his past, crimes, lifestyle, upbringing. Having worked for many years with gang affiliated and other disenfranchised youth back in California my perspective may be different than others regarding cause and affect. I mention this because Sebastian first went to prison at age 17. He is now 28 and has spent more time in than out. It's a vicious cycle.

I would not recommend anyone voluntarily take the road Sebastian did but I can see that without the proper guidance, sometimes family is not enough, other times a detriment, and with little or no emphasis not to mention funding for community resources, he is a product of his environment. Now as a man, he must come to terms with that and forget about blaming societal ills for his part in the crimes he's been charged with. Fortunately that is not his style, he hasn't had it easy but he realizes he's made things harder on himself as well.

I could never deny and there is no need for forgiveness on my part regarding his crimes, alleged or otherwise. I do accept his past as I cannot change it. As for what I wouldn't put up with that's a hard call as I have lived long enough to know better than to ever say never, I suppose it would depend on the situation. I hope I never have to find out.

Good post. I like it when you make me think. Thanks.

Patty

I'm okay with Ronnie's crime. I don't make excuses for him but I try to understand where he was at in his life at that point. It doesn't help that his mother is into drugs and just went to the Federal Prison. He has never had the positive infulances to help him see the light at the end of the tunnel. He seems to really be ready to put his life together and he vows to never end up inside again once out. All I can do is pray thats true, that I can be a part of that and support him regardless of his past or future.

well I forgive him for the crime because that was the type of life he had then, but I that doing 10 years will make him change his whole life completely

I don't think my husband's crime was really that bad. I still don't think he should have done it because it screwed up our lives, but other than that, I understand. (ha! Just a little thing like screwing up our lives!) I kind of understand that being the person he was and is, the crime was his only option. I would hate it if he had done a horrific crime. But he is a certain kind of criminal, and not that kind.

I never gave it a thought whether I needed to forgive him or not for what he did to get himself put back for God knows whatever time it is. What I'm having a difficult time getting over (I have forgiven him) is what he did to me 12 years ago.

As you know, I did meet him while he was incarcerated. What you may not know is that he was released in 1994 and I thought I had the world by the tail because he was the most wonderful thing next to sliced bread.

While he was in, I spoiled him rotten and that didn't stop when I pulled him out that August day in 1994. Almost immediately, unbeknown to me at the time, he started messing up. A couple of days after his release, I bought him a motorcycle he so dearly wanted. Exactly 3 days after that, he crashed and burned requiring half his stomach to be removed and a DUI to boot. Three months later the motorcycle was finally repaired. Two days after we got it back, he was gone with my ATM card. $1,800 later I was devastated.

About a month later after he was settled back in prison yet again, I received a letter saying he was sorry that after the hospital stay he became addicted to severe drugs.

I lost contact with him after that because I was so hurt. Almost a year ago he contacted me again. A new and improved person. I forgave him for what he did to me as I was raised a Catholic and I know no other way. I never stopped loving him, but I'm fearful everyday that once he is released again next year, history could repeat itself.

With the help of the EOP program, he appears to be a changed man and for the first time in his life he is determined to stay as far away from anything that would ever get him back in there again.

Never having been involved with drugs myself, I find it hard to understand how they can control your life and make you do and say things that could hurt so many including yourself.

He's been clean and sober for over 10 years now and he says if he can stay that way inside with as easy as it is to get drugs, then it should be easier for him on the outside to continue his sobriety.

All we can do is hope and pray for our fellows and do our best to put the past in the past and look forward to the future. I do know that in the beginning once we reconnected I asked a lot of questions and harped on things for a couple of months until he asked me to please stop. Obviously, there's only so much attention you should give a problem and then you either have to accept it and move on or get out.

I've chosen to accept it and move on, but I always keep one eye open just in case. He doesn't know that because I bolster him and praise him for all he has accomplished and he doesn't need the pressure.

I wish you all the best with your futures with your loved ones.

When Mr. and I started writing, I asked him not to tell me what he did. I knew it was not good because of the length of his sentence. When we fell in love and it was time to tell me, he didn't want to because he thought I would leave him.

Reading that letter was probably one of the hardest things I have EVER done. At first I could not believe this man I had fallen in love with could be capable of doing what he was convicted of - especially when I had been a victim of the very same crime. I kept asking myself "how could I have not seen it?" Or even worse "how could I fall in love with him?" He felt HORRIBLE and had on several occasions told me that he wanted to tell me and I kept saying no....now that the whole story was out, I was pretty devastated.

THEN he called me and we talked. He was scared that I would leave him. At the end of 3 back to back phone calls I realized that despite his crime, I loved him with all my heart and after reading the circumstances... although there was NO EXCUSE, I could understand how it happened.

It took time, but we worked it out. Eventually as our love grew, I realized that he is not that same man anymore and despite his crime, he is the love of my life and he is worthy of a second chance. Deep inside he's always been a good man, but his life at the time of the crime was really screwed up. Because of it, he is off drugs forever!

Rob is doing time for 2 nd degree murder, I know everything that happened that morning, I too like MrsD never asked him what he was there for 10-34 yrs I too knew it couldnt be "good" we fell in love and he wanted to ask me to marry him, but he wanted me to know everything before I gave him my answer. We talked for hours that night, and ALOT of letters and HE wanted me to see the police report and the court thranscripts, and everything is just as he told it to me, of course with a little more detail, but I love him and I will always stand by his side!

I knew right from the start about my husband's case complete with all of his charges. He was very young and although he knew right from wrong, he was very frightened by the time he was given and could not see growing up in prison. This of course only made it worse for him. He makes no excuses for what he did. There really is none, however, I am completely at ease because I feel he is a different person today.

We all make mistakes at some point in our lives and when we are of a young age, without guidance it is easy to go astray.

In fact we just had this same discussion Sat on our visit.

I love my husband for who he is since I have known him. Not the past. We all have pasts, but like someone said, he is my present and my future.

i am fine with the lifestyle my hubby led. we face bumps in the road as we're moving away from that entire thing altogether, but i have no serious issues about his past that i can't get over. i don't have to forgive him for his crimes, God has that under control. i don't deny them, that's unhealthy and too fantastical to me to deal with (i prefer reality), i accept them as a part of his past that he's changed from. that simple.

crime wise, i couldn't be with men who committed certain crimes...mainly anything "horrific". that's just me.

Nuro and I have always had open and honest discussions about his crime and his sentence. He is serving 25 years to life. In his case he was under the influence of some very hard drugs when the incident occurred, not that I am excusing what he did, it's just that there were some extenuating circumstances. I think it is because of those circumstances that I can handle what he did and the price he must pay for that crime. If there had not been any of those other circumstances, I honestly can't say how I would feel about his crime.

Jaosn's crime is sale of a controlled subastance, so it is nothing horrific according to my standards. I did have an issue with it at the beginning because i have cloase family members who are drug addicts and i was always used to blaming the "lowlife" drug dealers taking advatage of these peoples addictions. I have toally opened my mind and learned the reality about it. I have totally been able to put myself in his shoes and i actually admire him for risking his freedom to take care of him and his baby brother.

My man was caught selling a controlled substance. It wasn't his first time. He was in it for the money, and no matter how many times I complained...he kept hustling. He thought having money made me happy...He was wrong. He had a good job, but he STILL did it and I guess I just don't understand why.

I don't agree with what he did, and I don't like it but I guess at the time I liked the money.

The first thing that comes to mind when asked what I couldn't deal with is someone who hurt a child whether sexually, or physically. That is something I would never deal with no matter the circumstances.

I look beyond the crime he committed. We both know it was a mistake and he's just dealing with the consequence of that mistake. He's thankful it happened though, because he never would've met me had he not done it and there have been other great things that he's done that he never would've done outside of prison. Yes, he doesn't like what he did, but he's accepted it and he's moving past it. It's in the past and we're focusing on our future. :)

I've had a hard time with it... he was in a gang and killed a guy, an "enemy." Sure, he was young and some might say even brainwashed, but it's still wrong... it took me forever to get past that and it still hits me in the gut sometimes.

I guess the only reason I'm here now is that he takes responsibility for what he did and has given up the gangs for good. Now he is counseling younger kids on how to get out and stay out.

I try to support him in that, and he is really starting to do some good.

That's what keeps me there by his side...

Mine is doing life with no parole. when we first started writing I didnt want to know what he had done because with jis type of sentence I knew someone had to have died. I never asked him and afterquite a few times of going back and forth he finally wrote me telling me exactly what he had done to get that type of sentence. He was high on meth and me having a son that used meth i knew what that drug can do. no it doesnt make it right but I know how it effects a mind when on it and I accpet him for who he is. One night of meth took 2 lives. his victim and himself as he will never experience the outside world again.

I didnt know in the beginning what my honey was convicted of. It never really entered my mind to ask. When the time was right, he offered the information to me after we fell in love.
I dont condone what he did, but i accept it. I accept it because everyone makes mistakes in their lives, and this is one of his.