I'm curious because I am so confused I feel like I am in the twilight zone. First, I'm confused because I only ever wanted a friendship with an inmate. Just someone to be a shoulder to cry on and someone who I could help pass the time and maybe change their life for the better. Now I am falling for him, HARD. Confused because I read everyones stories on here about how their partners would send 2 to 4 letters a week, put them in contact with their familes, etc. I am a person that believes actions speak louder than words. My man claims his feelings run very deep for me and on numerous occassions said he would write me as much as possible because it makes him feel close to me. But still, I get 1 letter a week. It never fails, he writes on Friday, it goes out Monday and I get it Tuesday. I don't get it. He's in prison. Besides work and being out on the yard a little, what does have to do? I have 4 kids (all under 8), run a household and live in the free world; yet I find time to write everyday or at least every other day. I understand the situation that we are in but regardless of his living arrangment; I still expect to be shown the actions that come with the words... I told him if it was about not having money for stamps that I would put some in his trust; but he refuses to let me because I have kids and other responsibilities. Geez, I didn't want to give him thousands of dollars, just enough for some stamps.. His letters make me smile, cry and excited. Yet they also make me wonder.
Does that make any sense at all?

Of course it makes sense. When my man and I started out, he only wrote me when he got a letter from me, and I did the same, then it started to pick up and I wrote more and more and now we both write each other daily. Have you told him that if he wrote you more often it would mean the world to you?

I'm unsure if you're in a relationship with him or not, but gently remind him that letters are all you two have. Be patient, his letter writing may or may not pick up.

Also, just because they are in prison doesn't mean that they necessarily have a ton of time to write letters, I know that my fiancé doesn't really like to write about what's going on in his day because it's all the same, so now we talk about other things that don't really matter, but it took a long while for us to get to that stage.

You are right though, actions do speak louder than words, and since he's in prison his actions are very limited, so the little that we do get, usually speaks for itself.

As you read through the threads in this forum you will surely note that most of us were not looking for love when we met our significant others who just happen to be incarcerated. I was not confused in the least bit, it just ocurred to me one otherwise normal day that I was very much involved with, head over heels in love with this man who had become a close friend to me. Each of us will have a different answer to your question and there is no right or wrong about it. You are entitled to your feelings of confusion. Take your time, unfortunately and perhaps sometimes fortunately that is the one thing we have on our side. There is no need to make a hasty decision.

You mention letters quite a bit in your post. I write my man at least twice daily. He writes me 2-3 times a week. He puts a lot of thought and effort in and it is obvious from his letters that he is reading mine very closely, there is no scorecard. Having said that if you "need" more in the way of letters then you have to let him know that.

Communication is key to ANY successful relationship, romantically or otherwise. In order for one to give you what you need one has to know of your needs. Figure out what exactly you want from this man and by all means tell him. His response and actions on your behalf will give you a basis for making a sound decision about where this is headed.

All the best,
Patty

Thanks for the good advice. I guess you could say we aren't "officially" a couple but from his letters (& what I write to him) we both are having the same feelings and visions for the future. My problem is that I don't want to tell him to write me more. I don't want to feel like he's doing it just becuase I say so. Letters are all i have. He can't add anyone to his visitors list until June and so I can't even see him right now.
As you can tell I don't know anything about the prison system really at this point! I just assumed inmates would have plenty of time to write. Which is probably the biggest reason I decided to write him back when he wrote me.
Anyway, thanks again for the feedback.

Okay I hear ya... but even if you're relationship is JUST starting to take a different direction it is still wholly important for you to make your needs known. You don't want to start off on the wrong foot where you don't say things just to spare him discomfort. I always treated my man and our relationship as though the prison didn't exist, another words what I expect from him while he's inside is the same as I expect when he's home (met him while he was in , had him at home, now he's back in).

Anyways, you both need to know what one anothers expectations are. You have to build the foundation together. Some guys so I'm told enjoy writing more than others so you really need to discuss this.

Patty

Patty,
I will try to figure out the words to say so as not to pressure him. I agree with you because we both have said honesty is the only thing we want this built on; so I really need to tell him anyway.
Just nervous... Btw, sorry to hear your man ended up back inside. That must be hard.

I

Hi girl,

I completly understand what you mean, I too was expecting more letters from my bf. I was told by a friend that once you're in a relationship of more than friends, I would start to see how the letters would be more, well that didn't happen, I guess that's why they say that every relationship is different huh? :)

Anyway, I let him know that his letters were very important to me and that i would appreciate it if he would kick his letter writing up a notch! He said that he wasn't writing to me very often because he didn't want to overwhelm me, after that got cleared up, he did start writing more often. So I'm happy now, and i also get to see him every other weekend, so I appreciate those visits and letters very much.

Just let him know in a subtle way how you feel, he will appreciate your honesty and I'm sure he will understand your point of view.

Rebeca

Everybody's different... sometimes we write a lot, then last month, hardly at all. First off, don't judge anything by how many letters others say you should get.

But if you feel you want more, you do gotta say so...

HotLatina is right, you have to make your needs known.

Both he and I have gotten real good at going "*Ahem* yoo-hoo!! I need a letter!"

Or we get all wise-a** about it on the phone, as in "How am I doing? Gee, I don't know, maybe if you WRITE to me, you'll find out!" -- but, whatever, we always make each other laugh and at the same time, we get the point across!

hugs, Q

PS: As far as confused, I still am LOL...

Don't be afraid to tell him the truth, it will make what you have stronger and more real. I tell you, with my guy, the more straight up and confident I am, the more respect I get...

Thanks ladies. !! Your words are helpful and comforting

well at the beginning I also expected more letters. but you have to remember that being there they don't have so much to tell , like we who are free. where we have lots of things going on in our lives.

From my own expience with my fiancee; some time he can send me letters telling the same things over and over again.
Till I decided to give him topics we could discuse about through letters. like hobbies, music, raising children, relationship, marriage etc.
Believe me, this works great. Like this you get to know him a lot better. What he thinks, feels , his opinion. And you also give him the opportunity to get to know you better. My fiancee opened up a lot by this.

Great Advice morning star.. thanks

My relationship with Deshon only just started to develop in a lot more (from my side, he told me he's in love with me like 3 years ago). I'm also very confused, but I write him daily and talk about every little thing that's on my mind or that is happening in my life. I don't send them out daily, because overseas postage is expensive! And I know he likes long letters, so I send the letters from day 1 and 2 or day 1, 2 and 3 out together.
Anyway, he knows I looooove long letters too, so he does the same. Unfortunally it sometimes takes up a month before his letter gets here, so sometimes there's some confusion, because they're always about things I talked about like 1.5 or 2 months ago. When we were 'just' pen pals, I asked him to write me more, if his finances allowed it. he was surprised about my request, because he also didn't want to overwhelm me. he thought, since I have 2 small children, a household to run and a life to live, that I didn't have time to read his letters all the time, let alone reply to them. So we got that out of the way. I still would like more letters from him, but he has no one sending him money (he's in TX so isn't making any with work) and he's too proud to let me send him the money. Well, I told him he better send me long *ss letters when he does get the stamps to send them out :-)

what the others say is so true, just tell him that you need to hear from him more, that you miss him when you have no mail from him, since letters and time is all you got right now. It's not really the quantity but the quality that counts, I guess? and yes, I made that mistake too by assuming inmates have nothing else to do than writing. over the years I discovered that some of my pen pals have a life that is even busier than mine :d

Thank you for that! There is also cross coversations with our letters. because i write so often & he doesn't. I got 2 letters this week & a picture finally. So I'm good for a while! :-)

Heck I'm still confused!!

One thing that ive learnt over time, and that is... not to watch what others are getting that youre not!! Each relationship, and each person shows how they feel in different ways. Sometimes i get like 6 letters for the week, and sometimes i only get one. I know that my honey is locked up, and should have all the time in the world, but i also recognise that he needs to 'socialise' with others aside from me in order to keep sane!

I think that youve received some good advice in here... The most important one is COMMUNICATION!! Letting him know what your needs are... Some men just dont get it and need it spelt out to them!! ;)

You're feelings are valid. I was so confused, b/c getting involved w/ someone in carcerated was not apart of my fantasy or dreams. :-) It just happen. Once I allowed myself to see him as a man and not a prisoner, things began to change. I can't lie and say that once this happened, it was oh so blissful. We were challenged, cautious, etc.

But as time moved on and we sought God for direction and guideance, we began to gel. Even though we believe that God was instrumental in bringing us together, we know that we have to work at our reltionship and cultivate it for greatness.

Best wishes.

In the beginning I must admit I was very hesitant about starting a relationship with an inmate especially one I had met while on assignment from my church. I didn't want people to say that the only reason why I was going to the jail was to meet a man and all that negative drama. But on the other hand, it was truly love at first sight for the both of us. My baby is very persistant and he broke through all the barriers I had put up until I could no longer deny that I loved him.

Once I got over the fear of what people would think and saw how real he was about God and me all my excuses and confusion went out the window.

Heck I'm still confused!!

LMAO! I love it. same here.

Girrrrlll....I am still confused. Never, ever would i have thought that i would be with someone who is incarcerated. I dont think any little girl has dreams of having a prison wedding, and i know i never wished that when i grew up I would fall in love with a convict. I do not know how this happened, but i am so happy that it did. Just listen to your heart and do not listen to anyone else! You deserve to be happy, so stop thinking and analyzing and just be happy!

I think the more time that goes by the more confused we get. Whether the man is locked up or on the street men are confusing period.....but I love my inmate....wohoooo!!!

I ususally get one letter a week from Damon, but I talk to him on the phone 2 to 3 times a week and I see him every other Friday. His letters are about 2 pages long and mine are longer. When he was in the hole he wrote everyday and then I was getting 2 to 3 letters a week and they were longer. Damon does complain that he only gets one letter from me. He isn't the only one that I write either, I have a cousin who I write as well and that is once a week as well. My cousin writes when he feels like writing me because he always tells me that he hates writing. There are some men who hate to write because it's hard for them to know what to write about, some have a hard time knowing how to spell and it's embarrassing for them if people knew that they can't spell. Some men have others write for them because some don't know how to read or write, depends what kind of education that they had when they were growing up or depends on if they had a learning disability. It's not always easy for a man to write and it's not because they don't care about you, they sometimes struggle with it. They may struggle because they are in prison and they are missing the "free world" and writing may make it hard for them to realize they are missing so much out here. Also it's easy for a woman to express herself better then it is for a man. You might ask him why he doesn't write as much as you do and let him know how much his letters mean to you and how you look forward each and everyday in hearing from him. When I write to Damon or my cousin I always make sure that I let these two men know how much I love hearing from them and how much it means to me that they took the time to write to me. Be patient with him and just listen to him explain the reasons why he doesn't write as much as you do. If this man didn't care he would probably do other things to show you that he isn't into this relationship, I know that he loves hearing from you.