Why does a person meet another person who is incarcerated and begin a relationship with him/her ? Not that there is anything wrong with it. I'm just curious - I like to get into peoples heads and learn what makes em tick. And because there are plenty of men and women that are single on the outside. Why would a person complicate their life by getting involved with a man or woman behind bars and then have to wait sometimes years for them to get out in order to have a real life with them?

T

Wow, this is a great question. I'm not sure I have the answers for you and I'm sure everyone's will be different, but here goes.

I don't think that most people start out writing to somebody with the hopes of starting a relationship with an incarcerated individual. I think there is a certain level of compassion and sympathy that people have to write in the first place. I look at it kind of like a charity (for those that write a lot of people). You can either donate your money (which people may not have) to a place where you don't know what it was used for that already receives donations, you can volunteer somewhere that already has volunteers, or you can write to someone that is experiencing some of the worst loneliness anyone could ever imagine that doesn't have anybody. It's like an emotional charity to let somebody know that you are there and thinking about them. It's a benefit for both parties. They are getting something to brighten their day, and the sender is getting something in return: letters. Letters that otherwise they would never receive from most men or any man for that matter. When you look at it from different perspectives I don't think it's as cut and dry that you just start writing anybody and there it is: a relationship.

You are slowly taking the time to get to know somebody. Yes, you could have somebody on the "outside" as in a relationship. But by writing these letters about yourself and themselves, you are establishing something based upon who you and they really are. (honesty depending). Incarcerated or not, you can be with somebody a long time before they show them true selves or you find that you're not really in love with them.

By the time they are free, there is this strong emotional bond. Unconditional love. Can this be a bad thing? Absolutely. You may have waited years for this individual to get out to find that you can't stand the way they are on the outside. And you could have also found the one person that you really got to know over all these years, but yet it's a new adventure because it's the first time you get to actually be with them.

I think there are a lot of people; ladies especially, that are willing to take that risk. There is something romantic about waiting for somebody that you love to come home to you, somebody that appreciates you because they have had nothing but you are willing to sacrifice it all just to be with them. I like to think "Love as often as you can" because some people are worth the wait and risk.

Personally, I don't think I could ever wait 10+ years. I give a big thumbs up to the people that can do this. I guess it depends upon your life experiences and how old you are. Since I'm young (24) with no kids and never have been married, waiting too long for someone to get out would be a bigger risk than waiting for say..5 years. If you already have kids, been married then divorced, etc. Why not wait?

In my situation I was never looking to write anybody in prison nor had I even thought about it. Still friends, I'm not in the situation to say that I'd wait years and years. Would I say I'm in love? Absolutely and deeply. But I'm also realistic. If something develops where we both can come out with it, I have no problem in waiting, in fact I have nothing to lose. And if it didn't work out, I had a great experience and then would move on.

If I can think of anything else I'll let you know! :D

I have to agree that most of us who fell in love with someone who happened to be in prison did not set out to do so. Love can find us everywhere. However we can decide if we will act upon it or not. I know I took a long time to think about it before I could full heartedly say yes.
The main thing I can think of why is because I thought of him as a man first, not the fact that he was in prison. Having several pen pals inside, having written to them for a few years now, that is how I think of them, as the person they are. They are so much more than the mistakes they have made that have landed them in prison.

Well said Hbomb! :thumbsup: I never thought of it as romantic though. Maybe it is more so, for those who are pen pals first. Or a different personality than my own dash of dreamer mostly realist type.
Ditto on the not waiting for many years for them. I could only do that if I had a life established on the outside with them before prison. Something more to hold on to & to lose. Bravo to any that can though. :thumbsup:

Hbomb...VERY well put. Thank you and welcome to PTO!

17 months ago I never would be the one to think of even falling for anyone in prison. Hell, I didn't even know to much about it then anyways. I wrote just to satisfy my curiousity of wanting to know what it was like on the inside. Pure and simple curiousity. He wrote back loyally and I would move a cpl times in the past 17 months and he would always want to get to know me etc. I let him grow on me or maybe it was the idea much more of letting this "inmate" get to know me more. For some reason I felt like I could trust him and tell him anything I ever wanted and felt I needed to. Tommy is doing 18 to life and while I just turned 25 and I have 3 children....I don't find that he complicates my life or ever did. I can see maybe if I didnt realize how NOT to put my life on hold but I do what I normally do and I visit him every month. I love him dearly!!

U can't control who yer heart falls in love with......dealing with long sentences or NOT. I knew from beginning that it was gonna be hard but just didn't realize how hard. Shall it take 5, 10 or even 15 years then that is how long I will wait. Real sincere love has found me...not the bars and not the long sentence...those are just road blocks we can overcome. Just know that us that can wait for what seems to be forever...have it hard but its also rewarding as well because the connection and the love is always deep!

~Bella~

At my age 43 (this started 3 yrs ago when I was 40) trust me I did not wake up one morning and think,"Gee I should start a relationship with an incarcerated man I've never met." LOL Nope, not hardly. Infact I was dating up a storm and not at all interesting in jumping into a relationship with anyone when Sebastian accidently misdialed a number and got me.

After the initial call we started writing back and forth and he would call occasionally. Over time we built a friendship that developed into something more. I found I had completely lost interest in the dating aspect of my social life. One day I realized I was in love with him and he with me. We pursued one another more seriously and intimately, yes for those that have not experienced this type of relationship I am here to tell you that one can know another on a very intimate level through letters, phone calls and visits. Infact the connection that Sebastian and I made was stronger and more amazing than any I'd known with anyone in the freeworld in a very long time.

In my case I had to wait 16 months to spend time with him in the free world. He was well worth the wait. The time we spent getting to know one another included sharing past experiences, our individual hopes and dreams and those we made together for our future. Together we built a strong foundation and I feel blessed to have him in my life, yes I do even on the worst of days and I couldn't imagine anyone else I would rather spend my life with.

If I was supposed to fall for a guy in the free world it would have happened, luckily for me, fate intervened. As odd as that may have sounded before this happened it seems quite natural to me these days.

Patty

hmm...i fell in love with him for the same reason that anyone anywhere falls in love with anyone anywhere. i didn't start my job hoping to fall in love, and as a matter of fact, i had maybe a few months before come out of a very painful and bad relationship, so i wasn't looking for anything, and i was kind of upset and angry at all men anywho. believe me...when i met him i laughed in his face for quite a few months LOL before i figured maybe he was serious. and when he was, and i was, i left my job.

this is a great question, and i guess my "great" answer would be, "i fell in love with him because of who he is as a person, situation aside." lol.

Why does a person meet another person who is incarcerated and begin a relationship with him/her?

Most of us didn't set out to fall in love. We simply took the time to get to know a person and not their situation. We were able to see them, instead of all the negitive things that are said about incarcerated people. I have been with my husband since 2001, and I can honestly say of all the guys that I have dated out here, he is the only one to every reach my soul. The heart wants what it wants. Aint no way around that.

Why would a person complicate their life by getting involved with a man or woman behind bars and then have to wait sometimes years for them to get out in order to have a real life with them?

I don't see my life as complicated. I am still enjoying life to the fullest. I just have him to love and be loved by.
It all depends on how you look at it. Even though he is not physically here, I still take him everywhere I go, cause he is in my heart and he is apart of my soul.
We do have a real life, this just happens to be apart of it right now. We deal with it, but dont dwell on it, cause we know this is not forever, they have to let him come home.

A relationship is what you make of it. Just becasue he is locked up doesnt mean he doesnt have love to give and he shouldnt be loved.

you can not help who you fall in love with rather it is a person in jail or someone on the street.

I had absolutely no intention of falling in love. I wrote him to just say that someone was thinking of him, and to be honest I was interested in hearing what it was like on DR. I thought we'd share a couple letters and that would be it. But the letters kept coming, and I knew early on that there was something special about him. There was no denying my feelings. I have no trouble finding men on the outside, but I happened to write a guy who touches my heart in ways Ive never known before. what I have with him is worth the distance and separation. Many of you have said that you wouldnt wait 10+ years, and I understand your thinking, but I think if you found the one, you would wait any amount of time. I dont know what Im waiting on, he's probably never getting out, and chances are this is not going to end well, but Im hanging onto hope, thats all I have. So the question is WHY? I dont think there is a good answer to it. It just happened, and I wouldnt change a thing. If this didnt work would I do this again? Never.

Why does a person meet another person who is incarcerated and begin a relationship with him/her ? . . . T
Because we have lost our mind but won't realize that until after his butt get out!!:D :D Nah I'm just kidding -- really, I am -- see, I'm laughing!! :D :D

I love challenge, I love crazy, I love funny, and I am the unexpected. So in my case I attracted what I am. Nine years later me and my husband are so in love that it's crazy, funny, still challenging, and unexpected to last. So we good. :o

I would have to say, when i first recognized jesse, it was through another inmate who pointed him out to me, i worked on the same unit as he was on for almost 5 years and he was there for almost 4 years, i never noticed him, or had any kind of run into him, but when he was pointed out to me i felt something right then and there, but i didn't say anything, all i did was smile one day at him and he wanted me to be his girl, and write him. We wanted somthing out of it.I probably wouldn't have fell in love but he made me feel really special to him through letters and card. He would draw cards, make a rose, he once make a rose for mother days, and a flower with a butterfly that you can make the wings move for no reason, it made me feel really good, and when i was able to see him there is no other man i have ever met made me feel like that and it has been over 2 years and i still feel like that just through his letters and looking at his picture. It doesn't matter how you meet someone there is someone out there for everyone, maybe ours in behind bars but he is still human, and all good relationships start out as friends. Just like this there could be a big crowd and you may only notice on person out of hundreds. That is what happened to me, I worked on a unit with 3000 men and he was the only one that i felt anything with. Whether a man is in prison or not, if you are meant to be with someone, you will find him, or he will come to you, or maybe you just happened to meet on day.

I can only echo what has already been stated. It was never my plan to fall in love with an inmate. I was visiting my cousin then our, Nuro & I, eyes met and that was it. We fell in love and have been there ever since.

I love this question. I wish I could put it on a card and keep copies in my wallet and hand it out with my answer to all the people who ask me this question ...

I already knew Rah-Rah before he went in. We flirted but nothing evolved because I had a boyfriend already... I was with said boyfriend 3 years he was " a normal " and "free" man who treated me like crap.... ( and I love how some people are like but couldn't you go out with a "regular" guy , um regular guys, inmates even priests can hurt you when you least expect it ! )

After him I went out with another guy who seemed to meet all my "standards" educated no kides no drama , good job etc.... and he broke my heart too !
(Standards , BLAH :blah:)

I was through ... and single for a long time and then my friend aksed me if I would write to her brother (My friend is Rah-Rah 's sister) and I thought to my self .... Hmmm do I want to write to an inmate ? Do I want him to know where I live ? What if he wants me to visit him ? :eek:

And then I thought well he is far away his family never goes to see him he could probably use a friend, what the hell ... so I wrote and I still never expected for what out relationship has become to ever have happened !!!

We wrote back and forth and each and every letter became a deeper and deeper friendship and then I was curious I wanted to see the man who was so gentle and compassionate so truthful so trusting and trust worthy !!! I wanted to see the man I had not seen those years before when I was blinded by what I thought had been love. So I went to visit him and I will remember that day forever... I will never forget how our eyes locked when he entered the room and saw me or how beautiful it was to feel his hand in mine or how sweet our first kiss was or how when my heart broke when I had to leave I KNEW he was THE one for me ....

I don't think any of us woke up one morning and said hmmm wouldn't it be cool to get with an inmate ? ( Like my mom first suggested when she found out , she was like "Well you always did things different from other people" :haha: she has since seen the light )

But it is impossible to ignore true love when God has taken the time and the utmost of care and gently placed in smack dab in front of you !

Interesting posts. I have fallen in love with Marie. She is in Chino Institute for Women. We started out as pen pals. Through our letters we fell in love. I am waiting for her to be released at the end of this year

Everyone had some good answers to this question. I never thought I would fall in love with an inmate, or even thought I would any type of relationship with an inmate. Not that there is anything wrong with it, but at that time in my life I was far from trying to meet other guys.

But I happened to have a friend who got locked up in a county jail and would call me every day. Well he would always put toher guys on the phone and it would drive me crazy. One day I finally told him that I refuse to talk to anyone else, and that if he didn't want to talk to me then don't call me anymore. Of course he didn't listen and put this guy on the phone. This guy made me laugh and we had some common interests. He asked if he could write me and get to know me as a person. Well one call lead to many calls and letters, and now we are living happily together.

Why would a person complicate their life by getting involved with a man or woman behind bars and then have to wait sometimes years for them to get out in order to have a real life with them?

Well....hmmm, you act as if there is a choice in any of this!! LOL :D.

I sure didn't set out to get involved with my lifer. But I got to know him well over and with time came to care about him.

And here's the thing -- where I come from, you don't turn your back on someone you care about just because the situation is rough.

As far as WAITING to have a real life, well, my guy has a life sentence. We dont wait -- for anything!

We keep going with our lives, goals, plans... Both of us are growing and learning new things between my career and his college classes...

We have dreams but also live for today. We appreciate what we have.

Bottom line -- I love him; I just don't love where he lives.

Good question, I hope this helps :thumbsup:

I love challenge, I love crazy, I love funny, and I am the unexpected.

I gotta say ditto to this one!!! I shoulda also said I never did anything sensible in my life, so why start now???

:D ;)

what a great question.
i agree with everyone else i didint plan to fall in love with a prisoner and we did start off just as penpals and i was determined that it was just going to be a friendship nothing more, but i think because communication is the biggest factor when you are writing to someone inside you end up getting to know them inside out, you talk about things that you wouldnt do if you were both on the out and in a normal relatinoship. i have been with my boyfriend for 5 months now and we have a very strong relationship because we communicate so well we talk about everything.
if we were having a relationship on the out by the time we had been dating 5 months we would have more than likely slept together ages ago but because we cant be physical i think that is why we are so strong, soes that nake sense?
LISA xx

I wasn't looking to fall in love either but since I did, I think that I am living a real life with him. Maybe different from what it would be if he was home but still very real for me. Qwerty - great line, worth repeating, "I love him; I just don't love where he lives."

This is a very good question the way I met my Babe was crazy One day I was playing around with my friend on a chatline we was on three way so there was this guy I heard his profile talking about he was in jail I started laugh like ya right how da hell his in jail and his on the chatline so my friend got disconnected so I was like I'm gonna holla to see if he was serious so we connected and started to chat and I was asking him are u really in jail he was like yes he was like his friend called the chat and for some reason he never got disconnected lo00ol so his friend let him on so we chat for a bit and I thought he was so sweet and he was like well I have to pass the phone I was like ok then he was like why dont u write to me I was like whatever took his address where he was at so that was that I thought it was a joke so weeks pass I never wrote to him for some reason I kept thinking about our conversation so finally I wrote to him and shortly after that he wrote back that was 3 years ago this is something that happen by faith his a wonderful person I love him so much so I never thought that I would fall for a guy thats in jail hey they need LOVE too............................................... ........................

I say ditto to all the previous posts!!! I never expected to fall in love with my pen pal, nor him in love with me. I call it FATE!!!!:)

When I first started writing to my guy over three years ago, and eventually met him, visited him, I gradually started giving him my heart. We had many rough places in our relationship and went through some times away from each other, but we always ended up back in touch. I feel that we are together because we're meant to be. We've worked through all the issues and obstacles that were in our way and I don't intend to let him go again. I dated men out here, but something was missing, and he was always on my mind when he and I were not a couple. So, to me that's a sign that we're meant to be.

Just like everyone else I didn't expect this and wasn't looking for it. It just happened and we have gone through ups and downs and we have actually handled them really well I feel better then a relationship on the outside for we have to actually communicate with each other and that is one of my key points we talk more then any relationship I have ever had at the same time staying thruthful and open to each other. His mother says that he has done a basic 180 on his thoughts etc since we started writing and talking, I told him he had to behave as best as possible and not to disrespect the officers for if he did consider he was disrepecting me and things seem to being going good, our next hurdle it to get visitation which I will be sending the application out shortly, classification just stated that they had to talk to my facility that I had worked at so hopefully I will be approved. Hell when I get approved I am not going to know what to do plus I am working on paperwork to get married to him so I am not sure if I should wait till after we are married to send in application confusion has set in

The men in my life have been or are still busted, they are strong respected men. And they have an appreciation for life, unlike men that have never been in a situation, and tend to take life for granted. Men in prison live every day like it's the last. I love them. And believe me I've had my share on the bumpy road myself. So there's an equalness no judgements and an acceptance of each other.

I agree with others, too. I did not set out writing my baby over 5 years ago to be in love with him, now. I initially sought a pen pal for the friendship. And a totally agree with:


. . .because communication is the biggest factor when you are writing to someone inside you end up getting to know them inside out, you talk about things that you wouldnt do if you were both on the out and in a normal relationship.


. . .we have a very strong relationship because we communicate so well we talk about everything.


. . .because we cant be physical i think that is why we are so strong.

And yes, Lisa, it makes a lot of sense to me what you said! I could not have said it better . . . and that's why I have quoted you (lol). Ditto for me. It is so refreshing to communicate honesty with a man and he with you, while you are getting to know him and he getting to know you. That is one of the strongest factors that build the love we have for one another over our 5 years together.

It takes the confusion out of falling in love, instead of falling in lust (that happens in relationships on the outside sometimes).

Jala

I second this motion.....I'm a thrill seeker, love challenges, love to add excitment to my life (nonviolent) and if this relationship dont work out.....will I try it again? I sure will