Maybe Im just having a bad day, but DAMN is this hard. Im tired of waiting. Waiting on the mail, waiting on phone calls, waiting on visits, waiting and praying for a miracle to get him out. Sometimes Im just overwhelmed. Its such a helpless feeling, there is nothing I can do to help his situation, and I want him home NOW. Im not thinking about giving up, but sometimes I wish I would have never wrote him to begin with, so I never knew him and I wouldnt be going through all this. Selfish thought huh? I dont know...Just venting I guess. How do you all deal with the hard times?

I write him all the time but when I'm feeling as you do I write even more. People often ask who has the most power in these types of relationships and I think for the most part it often feels like the DOC does. It's easy to get swallowed up by our imaginations and what if ourselves to death during this struggle but believe me God doesn't hand out more than he thinks you can handle. Meanwhile lean on us for a bit, we're here for you...

Hugggz,
Patty

Liberaldog,

Sorry to hear that your day isn't going that well. It's normal to feel the way you do. When my friend was away, I was always in an anxious state. I tried to learn how to relax. It was always harder to do than say.

Hoping you'll feel much better before the day ends.

For me it is very difficult at times, but I am like Patty, during those hard times, I just write him more. I try to keep in mind the bigger picture and that is when he does come home, he will be all of mine. That is the benefit for me that gives me something to look forward to. The smaller picture is waiting for the time to come. We have been together this long, we can go a little longer. I just have to believe that.

In the meantime.... I just try to keep myself as busy as I can and know that I was blessed to have another chance at love and this is it for me.

I hope as the day goes on you will feel better. Know that we are all here for you. We will all prevail, united we stand, divided we fall. Stay strong!

For me it is very difficult at times, but I am like Patty, during those hard times, I just write him more. I try to keep in mind the bigger picture and that is when he does come home, he will be all of mine. That is the benefit for me that gives me something to look forward to. The smaller picture is waiting for the time to come. We have been together this long, we can go a little longer. I just have to believe that.

In the meantime.... I just try to keep myself as busy as I can and know that I was blessed to have another chance at love and this is it for me.

I hope as the day goes on you will feel better. Know that we are all here for you. We will all prevail, united we stand, divided we fall. Stay strong!

Its great that you get to look forward to him coming home. I think thats my main problem, Tim is on DR and theres not much to look forward to. 99% chance he's never coming home. No end in sight, so where does the hope lie? Im trying to take just one day at a time. just wish there was an end to this (that ends well!) even if it was years away, if I knew he was coming home, it would make it so much easier. I dont know, just a tough day. I just want him home, and the chances are so remote. Need something to hold onto ya know? Thanks for listening

Its great that you get to look forward to him coming home. I think thats my main problem, Tim is on DR and theres not much to look forward to. 99% chance he's never coming home. No end in sight, so where does the hope lie? Im trying to take just one day at a time. just wish there was an end to this (that ends well!) even if it was years away, if I knew he was coming home, it would make it so much easier. I dont know, just a tough day. I just want him home, and the chances are so remote. Need something to hold onto ya know? Thanks for listening

I was not aware of your situation. I apologise. But I do have something to hold onto for you and that is a Miracle. Miracles really do happen you know. Also if you believe in the power of prayer, connect up with your faith if you have one and if you don't that is ok, there are plenty of us here who has it. The power of prayer is awesome and I will pray for a miracle for you. Never give up hope. Many laws changes things. Look at that law that took effect regarding juveniles and got them off death row. Too late for some, but in time for others. So you hang in there.

Liberal, know that we have all had those days, and sometimes you just have to give into them and cry your hear out. Crying cleanses the soul and sometime we just need a good vent and a good cry. Girl, I can tell you that I have cried buckets during this last 22 months...we have broad shoulders and we are here for you, heck I am in a tearful mood today myself if you want I will cry with you...

Staci

Well a bit of perspective. I got a letter from him today and he wrote: "I'd crawl through hell for just a chance to hold you" I cried my eyes out. Hes so completely devoted to me, and Im sitting here wondering how Im going to do it. I feel so selfish. Thanks for all your thoughts, I've got a letter to write.

Well a bit of perspective. I got a letter from him today and he wrote: "I'd crawl through hell for just a chance to hold you" I cried my eyes out. Hes so completely devoted to me, and Im sitting here wondering how Im going to do it. I feel so selfish. Thanks for all your thoughts, I've got a letter to write.


That happens ALOT in our situations don't beat yourself up about it, go write your letter....

Hugggz,
Patty

Oh I remember the night I realised how much I felt for him, that was the night I fell asleep crying, and woke up still crying the next morning. At times it was real hard, but then there was plenty of good things to enjoy too. That made it worth it.
You stay strong, write write write to him, and come here when you need to! And don''t forget to do things for yourself too!

Its great that you get to look forward to him coming home. I think thats my main problem, Tim is on DR and theres not much to look forward to. 99% chance he's never coming home. No end in sight, so where does the hope lie? Im trying to take just one day at a time. just wish there was an end to this (that ends well!) even if it was years away, if I knew he was coming home, it would make it so much easier. I dont know, just a tough day. I just want him home, and the chances are so remote. Need something to hold onto ya know? Thanks for listening

Liberaldog....

We are in the same boat...I love my sweet heart with all of my heart & he's chances are about the same is your honey's...But you know what" Keeps me going! My faith in my Lord Jesus...I know he's promises.. & he's the only one who can change everything.

Liberaldog last week I was feeling like sh*** too especially because my ex-alled me & told me how much he misses me & how he wants us to have a baby & get married & all that & I just cryed all night . Because that's what I want but with my Poncho not with anyone else... I prayed for a bout 30 minutes & I asked God for he's comfort & for he's love to get me through... & Guess what....that night I had a beautyful dream my Lord gave me my hunny....all night long I held him...& he's kisses where so real.... ahhh...GOD is awsome~! I know God's the only way out~! & I have no doubt in my mind or heart that GOD...will follow through... Look for him Liberal because this is the time for miracles~! & trust me they so happen~! GOD always gives me what I ask for..& your he's daughter too...so ask him to take care of you too..


Ponchos Love

Girlie... I hope that youre feeling better today. The road can seem impossible sometimes. When you feel like that, that is when youve gotta hold on that little bit tighter. When im feeling down, i write to him and tell all the reasonbs why i love him, and it refreshes my memory on why im hanging in there.

Hang in there hun. :grouphug:

If anyone had told me in early 2004 that I would marry a death row inmate, I would have told them that they had lost their mind. If anyone had told me that I could be self sacrificing enough to make the relationship a lasting thing, I would have told them the same. At the time, however I had not considered what it would take, for a man condemned to death to give completely of themselves to anyone. I had not considered many things in 2004 and I learn still everyday.

I have only been a part of Eldon Michael’s life, for a year and a half, but I have felt more grief than I had known, in a lifetime, within those few short months. I have helped to get my Dad and an uncle, through terminal illness, which involved horrid painful deaths. I was caregiver, for the severe addict that I married, in 1981, until his death, in March of last year. That responsibility fell to me, even after the end of our marriage. But, I did what I knew was right and I did the best that I could to save my 5 children’s Dad from the fate that ultimately befell him. I had lost my own mother to overdose, about 12 years, before.

I have survived a major stroke and learning to walk again, on my own, as the result of my own drug use. I live with disability everyday. And in the years that I have managed sobriety I have lost loved one after loved one to drugs and alcohol and continually wondered why I remain, when so many others are gone. Still, nothing has ever cut at my soul more than loving a man condemned to death and watching him have to live, in a way that society declares justice.

There is never an easy moment, for me and I never expect there will be. To look at what could be, if the DR inmate were not a part of your life is not selfish. It is only human and certainly what we have been taught by the world around us is to look to self first. We are all human and I at times want to do what I was best at and run from that which hurts me.

This is by no means an easy path to travel. I spent the night, in tears recently, as me and Eldon have had many blessings and we have always had hope, but in dealing with the egos of those, who offer help there is a cost. It seems to keep the help of an Innocent Project that is working on our case means to surrender all control and keep an attorney, who has lied to and misled us continually.

We are forced to risk the chance that we at the moment, on our appeals to keep help that would certainly not bring freedom, for many years to come, if then. It is a hell of a choice to make. It also leaves Eldon with the choice of allowing these people to shut me out, as though I am nothing, as his wife or chance loosing the support that he had prayed to have, for more than 14 years, by the time that I came along to look, for them. Do not think that I did not consider renting a U-Haul and going back to Texas to hide, in my hole.

We are in a place that hope is the most painful thing that one can possess. We are in a place that the best of days can turn to a nightmare, in a moment. They have, for us, more than once. We face unbelievable injustice and the ultimate lack of compassion, by society. And in all of this Eldon does not pay, for a crime that he committed, but a crime that others laid, on him and escaped with 5 years probation on, for their testimony against him.

I live in a jumble of emotions that swirl out of control. I adore the man that I married and nothing can bring me greater joy, than his smile,. But, even seeing it, means knowing that he suffered the degradation of a full body search, for our 2 hours together. I get tired and ache to the center of my being. There is confusion and anger at the attorney, who wants to leave Eldon resentenced to life knowing that parole would never come, for an innocent man, without he lie to the parole board. I am ever frustrated and fed up does not touch a day, like yesterday. I feel as though I am suffering the grief that death brings, with no end in sight.

Eldon calls it the rollercoaster, I just call it hell. Where else can there be sorrow, in fixing your teen boys a good meal, while knowing that your husband has not had the same, in 16 years, besides the system. There is no ignoring or forgetting what he lives with. And added to my concern for him is knowing how much he worries, for me and the things that I go through, beyond our case.

A good day, for me is starting my day, in SMU II visitation, where we ache to hold eachother, but can not be certain that it will ever come to be. It is then leaving, my husband, knowing that there will be days, before I am allowed to see him again and years before he is home, should our miracle come. A good day merely allows the precious moments of being together amidst the turmoil and pain that will make up the remaining hours.

I read where others say that this gets easier. I suppose that I am of a different makeup than they are, because this gets no easier. I relocated from 1300 miles away, only to find that is harder on us both, with me here. We watch each other suffer, now. And we do suffer together. But, the only end to the pain that we face is an end to us and that is not an option, in our eyes.

There is no way out, as I would never sacrifice the beauty and the wonder that Eldon brings to my life to know easier days. You spoke of a letter that says he would crawl across the desert to hold you. My strength is found in memories, of my husband in tears, because no matter the grief that his life heaps on him, he can not be here, for me, when I am having a bad day. I know what Eldon would endure to hold me and to protect me, in the way that I so much want to be allowed to protect him.


This is not an easy road to walk, on this side of the glass. However, I have learned that the walk is much harder, for the man that has became my life, than it is for me. So, in those moments that I might consider what life might could be without him. I also consider what I know life would be, without him. Despite all the pain, Eldon Michael has brought more of value to me and to my life, than anyone else ever had, in 40 years.

I look into his eyes and know that I am cherished and loved, in a way that the majority of those, in this world will never know. I consider the pain that I knew, before him and I recall the emptiness that filled me and I feel the Spirit that he has stirred, within me, move. I think of who I was and who he has helped me to be and yet to want to become and I know that I will never let go. I will never surrender the precious gifts that my husband gives to me each day, to relieve the pain that only exists because I love so deeply and completely.

In this we have only hope and faith. I say this often to others. My advice, as the wife of a condemned man is to never let go of either, for a second. I look at the predicament that we face, at the moment and know that if we loose the thing that seemed a miracle, when it came a few weeks ago, I will only fight harder to find the miracle that I have to believe will be a reality, for us. I have to because that faith is the best weapon that I have in the struggle that we are in and the thing that will allow me to make it to whatever end we face together.

I am praying for you both, in your own struggle. I do hope my words will somehow help you. I am here, when you become overwhelmed , if you need an understanding ear.

Thank you Eldon's wife for an amazing post from an amazing woman, the two of you remind us how precious life is.

Patty

There is nothing we can do really, just sit and wait. It is hard and frustrating. Nerves sometimes are out of limits. I was so happy on planning to visit him this May, was ready to travel from California to Kentucky and then he got into a fight and they took his visits for 3(!) years. In frustration, I wrote him an angry letter and now I don't hear from him in over two weeks. He just stopped writing. I don't know either he took offense and stopped writing or something happened to him, or he's ill, or what.. I am just so tired. It's hard for me to concentrate on work, on school, on everything. I know, waiting is very hard, physically and emotionally.

If anyone had told me in early 2004 that I would marry a death row inmate, I would have told them that they had lost their mind. If anyone had told me that I could be self sacrificing enough to make the relationship a lasting thing, I would have told them the same. At the time, however I had not considered what it would take, for a man condemned to death to give completely of themselves to anyone. I had not considered many things in 2004 and I learn still everyday.

I have only been a part of Eldon Michael’s life, for a year and a half, but I have felt more grief than I had known, in a lifetime, within those few short months. I have helped to get my Dad and an uncle, through terminal illness, which involved horrid painful deaths. I was caregiver, for the severe addict that I married, in 1981, until his death, in March of last year. That responsibility fell to me, even after the end of our marriage. But, I did what I knew was right and I did the best that I could to save my 5 children’s Dad from the fate that ultimately befell him. I had lost my own mother to overdose, about 12 years, before.

I have survived a major stroke and learning to walk again, on my own, as the result of my own drug use. I live with disability everyday. And in the years that I have managed sobriety I have lost loved one after loved one to drugs and alcohol and continually wondered why I remain, when so many others are gone. Still, nothing has ever cut at my soul more than loving a man condemned to death and watching him have to live, in a way that society declares justice.

There is never an easy moment, for me and I never expect there will be. To look at what could be, if the DR inmate were not a part of your life is not selfish. It is only human and certainly what we have been taught by the world around us is to look to self first. We are all human and I at times want to do what I was best at and run from that which hurts me.

This is by no means an easy path to travel. I spent the night, in tears recently, as me and Eldon have had many blessings and we have always had hope, but in dealing with the egos of those, who offer help there is a cost. It seems to keep the help of an Innocent Project that is working on our case means to surrender all control and keep an attorney, who has lied to and misled us continually.

We are forced to risk the chance that we at the moment, on our appeals to keep help that would certainly not bring freedom, for many years to come, if then. It is a hell of a choice to make. It also leaves Eldon with the choice of allowing these people to shut me out, as though I am nothing, as his wife or chance loosing the support that he had prayed to have, for more than 14 years, by the time that I came along to look, for them. Do not think that I did not consider renting a U-Haul and going back to Texas to hide, in my hole.

We are in a place that hope is the most painful thing that one can possess. We are in a place that the best of days can turn to a nightmare, in a moment. They have, for us, more than once. We face unbelievable injustice and the ultimate lack of compassion, by society. And in all of this Eldon does not pay, for a crime that he committed, but a crime that others laid, on him and escaped with 5 years probation on, for their testimony against him.

I live in a jumble of emotions that swirl out of control. I adore the man that I married and nothing can bring me greater joy, than his smile,. But, even seeing it, means knowing that he suffered the degradation of a full body search, for our 2 hours together. I get tired and ache to the center of my being. There is confusion and anger at the attorney, who wants to leave Eldon resentenced to life knowing that parole would never come, for an innocent man, without he lie to the parole board. I am ever frustrated and fed up does not touch a day, like yesterday. I feel as though I am suffering the grief that death brings, with no end in sight.

Eldon calls it the rollercoaster, I just call it hell. Where else can there be sorrow, in fixing your teen boys a good meal, while knowing that your husband has not had the same, in 16 years, besides the system. There is no ignoring or forgetting what he lives with. And added to my concern for him is knowing how much he worries, for me and the things that I go through, beyond our case.

A good day, for me is starting my day, in SMU II visitation, where we ache to hold eachother, but can not be certain that it will ever come to be. It is then leaving, my husband, knowing that there will be days, before I am allowed to see him again and years before he is home, should our miracle come. A good day merely allows the precious moments of being together amidst the turmoil and pain that will make up the remaining hours.

I read where others say that this gets easier. I suppose that I am of a different makeup than they are, because this gets no easier. I relocated from 1300 miles away, only to find that is harder on us both, with me here. We watch each other suffer, now. And we do suffer together. But, the only end to the pain that we face is an end to us and that is not an option, in our eyes.

There is no way out, as I would never sacrifice the beauty and the wonder that Eldon brings to my life to know easier days. You spoke of a letter that says he would crawl across the desert to hold you. My strength is found in memories, of my husband in tears, because no matter the grief that his life heaps on him, he can not be here, for me, when I am having a bad day. I know what Eldon would endure to hold me and to protect me, in the way that I so much want to be allowed to protect him.


This is not an easy road to walk, on this side of the glass. However, I have learned that the walk is much harder, for the man that has became my life, than it is for me. So, in those moments that I might consider what life might could be without him. I also consider what I know life would be, without him. Despite all the pain, Eldon Michael has brought more of value to me and to my life, than anyone else ever had, in 40 years.

I look into his eyes and know that I am cherished and loved, in a way that the majority of those, in this world will never know. I consider the pain that I knew, before him and I recall the emptiness that filled me and I feel the Spirit that he has stirred, within me, move. I think of who I was and who he has helped me to be and yet to want to become and I know that I will never let go. I will never surrender the precious gifts that my husband gives to me each day, to relieve the pain that only exists because I love so deeply and completely.

In this we have only hope and faith. I say this often to others. My advice, as the wife of a condemned man is to never let go of either, for a second. I look at the predicament that we face, at the moment and know that if we loose the thing that seemed a miracle, when it came a few weeks ago, I will only fight harder to find the miracle that I have to believe will be a reality, for us. I have to because that faith is the best weapon that I have in the struggle that we are in and the thing that will allow me to make it to whatever end we face together.

I am praying for you both, in your own struggle. I do hope my words will somehow help you. I am here, when you become overwhelmed , if you need an understanding ear.


What an incredible post. I read it...then went back and re-read it. Makes me realize how silly I have been, in not being able to talk to my partner or visit or really get letters. One day...he'll be home. Even though I don't know when or how. They can't keep him forever.

To read, what your daily pain might just be like, is such an eye-opener for me. You have such courage, such strength. I couldn't do it...I just couldn't.

You are in my thoughts. Thank you.

CS