Be careful what you ask for, you may just get it!
It sure happened to me. In a recent post I said that if someone knew I was being played, I would like to know. That in fact I would be ticked off to find out someone knew but never told me.
This gave someone the courage to step forward and tell me some of my man’s more uhmmmmm questionable behaviour. He was being way too friendly if not coming on to an other lady. The three of us got together, compared notes, checked dates. As we did the picture got worse and worse and before us unfolded exactly what he had been doing. He had started this while he thought we were ‘going nowhere’ (just forgot to tell me about that), and continued even till after he lead me to believe we had made our way through ‘a bump in the road’. I was shocked, outraged, hurt, you name it. Hey, I still am all that!
Now he was someone I had huge respect for, there was always so much honour about him. Always owning up to his mistakes. Never feeling sorry for himself. Everything he had told me about himself that I was able to check, all had checked out to be true. Without me asking he sent me some copies of papers to proof he was telling the truth. So I thought he was for real. Knowing others thought highly of him helped there too.
Now I won’t say I never had any doubts or things I wondered about. The big things I always asked him about which he cleared up, even though at times it took some time. The smaller things I just remembered, waiting for our first visit, when I’d be able to look him in the eye and see what he was all about and talk to him about a few of those. At times it can be real hard for me to know the difference between a true gut feeling something is wrong and my own insecurities playing up.
And I was puzzled by all this too. See, he is not stupid, he knows the difference between right and wrong, he knows we all know each other, so he knew he’d be found out. Why on earth try and pull something like this? Some weird self sabotage?? Believing he’s not worthy?? Or is this what being in seg for a long time does to you; make you selfish and desperate? Making you live in a dreamland with your own fabricated truths??
The way he is dealing with it once he realised it would soon be out in the open I find awful. So far he got angry with one, played the innocent ‘you misunderstood’ with an other, and I get the cowards way out: silence. Ah, secrets and silence, the very things that poison relationships, ourselves and in fact the whole of society if we are not careful. Let me not get into a rant about that one……… What matters here is that I prefer to live in truth. No matter how much this hurts, I have to face this mess and deal with it.
My emotions run all over. After a few days of mainly being numb I now feel great sadness and anger. I am so upset as he is not all bad. And as we had had difficulties in keeping communication going for a while, and it now looked like there would be less problems for us there.
Right now I still feel committed to him. Even if it is just to end this properly. And yes I know, I won’t forget: he betrayed me. Big time even. I have to make myself look at the facts all the time to really see and let sink in that is part of him too.
Dang, I hate having to be the first break up story on this new forum. And I sure do not mean this post to make anybody paranoid or anything. But this is what happened to my ‘pen pal turned more relationship’.

I am so sorry this happened to you. So he is giving you the silent treatment? At least you know for reals what he is all about. Can I be nosey and ask if your pen pal is over there or is he over here in the U.S.?
I don't really know what to say but I can feel your pain. Time heals. Take it day by day and if you need to talk, pm me.

Oh Tulip honey!!!!!!!!!! ((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))

I am in shock... totally... You know we are here for you, lifer sis, only a pm away...

"At times it can be real hard for me to know the difference between a true gut feeling something is wrong and my own insecurities playing up."

I soo know what you're talking about there... but in the end, you chose to trust. There is nothing wrong with that, you are the better person for it and he is the one losing out. The good thing is it sounds like you are not beating YOURSELF up about it, or I sure hope you aren't... the anger, I understand... what a let-down.

:(

I am so sorry tulip that you are going through this. I know it's silly but I was hoping that we (our forum) would escape the inevitable break up story. You will come out the other end stronger. Hang in there and we are here for you.

Well that really sucks but I am with you on the wanting to know the truth even if it hurts. Take it one day at a time. ((Hugs))

I'm sorry you're having to go through this. I hope you feel better soon.

Patty

Tulip,

Sorry that you are dealing with this situation. Hoping and wishing only the best for you.

Oh hun... Im sorry to hear that you are in so much pain. Please remember that you are a strong woman, and that we are here for you.

Tracey x

Sorry to hear this. Keep your chin up!

((((hugs)))) Sorry your going though this!

(((((((((((hugs))))))))))))) Sorry to hear the news!! You keep your chin up :grouphug:

((TULIP))

I am so sorry that you have to go through this. You are better off without him in your life and you will meet someone so much better, you deserve so much better. I am really glad to hear that you're handling it well though, I don't think that I could be as strong as you if I found out my fiance was playing me. You are a true inspiration to all of us. Stay strong and God Bless You!

Tulip! (Hugs)! I know you are very strong and you will get over this as a strong beautiful shining star!
Abelle (just a bicycle ride away!)

Thank you all for your kind and supportive words, it truly helps!
Doing okay here, up and down, I'm sure you all know. So far I'm managing to resist jumping in tubs of Ben & Jerry's for comfort....... than again, my tobaconist loves me right now........

Just needed to clear up, if the first sentence of the original post sounded a bit like I regret being told: I don't! Nor do I blame the ladies who told me.

LovingYou; he's in the US.
Qwerty; no way am I beating myself up for this. I rather use my energies to bounce back again.
Ravenslove; I truly was hoping the same. I so thought he was not like this!!
Abelle; too cold to hop on my bike right now girl, but next time you go spin records let me know, and I'll come dance okay???

Tulip ~ I love my cigarettes no doubt but I think it would be completly wonderful to picture you at this moment enjoying icecream, how about just buying a bar instead od a tub, yanno?

All the best,
Patty

hugs to you Tulip

Hugssssssss to you! Hey you know $*it happens, it's not your fault, just REMEMBER THAT!!!!! and just know whatever you decide to do, you have support from us all at pto..........

Patty, if I could trust myself with just one bar........ I would. But I don't!! And I know when I overdose on sugar I feel depressed easily, trying to avoid that one now.
Took myself out shopping today, that worked too. Got a great jacket I am so pleased with!!

Vlfl, your 'whatever you decide' is well spotted! Indeed, my head knows the right way to handle this one, but my heart has not caught up with it yet.

SHopping for clothes always works for me!! You get the high but no sugar...

I agree too on 'whatever you decide'... sometimes our hearts say to give someone another chance... and I sure ain't one to judge anyone on that account!! :)

Patty, if I could trust myself with just one bar........ I would. But I don't!! And I know when I overdose on sugar I feel depressed easily, trying to avoid that one now.
Took myself out shopping today, that worked too. Got a great jacket I am so pleased with!!

Vlfl, your 'whatever you decide' is well spotted! Indeed, my head knows the right way to handle this one, but my heart has not caught up with it yet.



[quote=qwerty]
I agree too on 'whatever you decide'... sometimes our hearts say to give someone another chance... and I sure ain't one to judge anyone on that account!!

Exactly........only she truly knows the pros/cons of leaving or staying sometimes it's worth it, sometimes it's not.........I have been on both sides of that fence......
Glad you were able to do some shopping and get out the house...........way more fun and healthier than just sitting and moping around:thumbsup:

Tulip, I am so sorry you are hurt!!!!!!! However I am glad you found out NOW before this wernt on any longer. Now you have seen his character and it is NOT pretty. Shame on him! YOU my friend are better off without someone like him!!!!!!

Give yourself a hug :hug:

:grouphug: Tulip, I am so sorry you are hurt!!!!!!! However I am glad you found out NOW before this went on any longer. Now you have seen his character and it is NOT pretty. Shame on him! YOU my friend are better off without someone like him!!!!!!

Give yourself a hug

Thanks for the support! Well, just because my heart has not caught up with my head yet, doesn't mean I'll give him a second chance here. Or rather, give us an other chance. See, I had mail from him today, finally. I really thought he wouldn't write again. This letter took me by surprise though, as it says absolutely nothing about what I wrote him nearly a month ago. It was just one of his regular letters. Except for that he said 'sorry if I got mad in my last letter'. Meaning there is one missing? Still on its way over? Or is he just making that up so he won't have to talk about this?? And that is just it; where before I would have easily given him the benefit of the doubt, I now don't trust him. Not a good thing is it??? Honestly, I do not see how we could bounce back from something this big.
*writing note to heart: catch up fast and be done with it!*

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((TULIP))))))))))))) )))))))))))))))))))))))) Sending encouragement and love your way....I am so sorry this happened to someone as sweet as you!!!!!!!!! :(

I think that is bad for your mind AND heart, when distrust sets in! All these mindgames...
It will help though in getting over this.
(hugs)

ps next Saturday (all are welcome here in Amsterdam!) at 4pm: dance till you drop!
Abelle

(((((HUGS))))) It is usually better to know the truth. Once trust has been broken, it is so hard to get it back, and usually ends up causing more problems. Keep your head above water, hes not worth going down for!!

**{HUGS}} Sorry this happened to you!

I can see why you don't trust his latest letter!! Once the trust is gone...

Dancing till you drop sounds even better than shopping!! Can I come too? :D :yay:

Wow Tulip I am so sorry to hear that! I can't believe he would do this to you!

My thoughts and prayers are with you!

Stay Strong!

Erin

Q, sure, you come and dance with us too!!
Erin, I still have a hard time believing it too........

Tomorrow is the start of Lent, the season of transformation. I am from a very Catholic heritage and even though my believes are so much broader now, I still love ritual and the sacraments. They really work for me. I have been thinking about what I should 'give up' this year, and than I was sent this very inspirational text:
"This year I would like to change my attitude during this season of transformation. ...to be more about growth and becoming the person I am truly meant to be.

I long for this Lent to be a time to experience new life...

I long for this Lent to be a season of growth...to sit quietly, reflectively, patiently waiting for silent change...

I long for Lent to be a time of emptying of the trivial and superficial...to be present to the beauty in ordinary moments...my heart broken open to the stirring of the Spirit within.

God continues to show me snatches of goodness, graciousness and love–sure signs that lead to a sense of resurrection. The choice is mine...familiar and comfortable or to stretch my soul...”
There is no way I can accept what he's done. It does not matter anymore how he will approach things. So tonight I finished the letter I have been writing him over the past week. And I shall mail it to him tomorrow, and use this 40 day period to purge myself of him. With great faith in an other soul stretching experience.
As I was joking with a friend the other day: there is no way on my tombstone it will ever say 'she had a boring life'.

Tulip, glad to see you're taking care of you. I agree that it's better knowing the truth no matter how hard it is to hear. I almost had hope for it to work out when you said that he sent you a letter but looks like he wants to pretend nothing happened. He just doesn't get it or you. Keep on keeping it real.

Tulip I just wanted to say here what I have told you in private - I am very proud of you and impressed with how you are handling things. ((hugs)) You deserve the best!

Much strength and inspiration!!

I shall mail it to him tomorrow, and use this 40 day period to purge myself of him. With great faith in an other soul stretching experience.
As I was joking with a friend the other day: there is no way on my tombstone it will ever say 'she had a boring life'.



I admire your spirit and strength, my fellow Catholic sister. I hope your Lenten journey will be filled with renewal and I'll think of you at Mass this Sun.

Tulip I am sorry this happened to you...

but....

when bad things happen it just opens the way for good things to come into your life....

sending good prayers your way:)

That is horrible. There should be a thread where you can post your man's name and his unit and see if anyone else is writing to him too and getting suckered!
I know it might hurt some people; but I agree about knowing the truth. Better to know now than years down the road. I would sure post mine on there. Because there are times I question his sincerety. Like right now; he isn't speaking to me.. Don't know why. Everything was great then the letters just stopped... Very curious!

:-) You will be in my prayers Tulip... Good Luck

Thats gotta be pretty painful to deal with - Sorry to hear it didn't work out -

Respectfully,
T

Be careful what you ask for, you may just get it!
It sure happened to me. In a recent post I said that if someone knew I was being played, I would like to know. That in fact I would be ticked off to find out someone knew but never told me.
This gave someone the courage to step forward and tell me some of my man’s more uhmmmmm questionable behaviour. He was being way too friendly if not coming on to an other lady. The three of us got together, compared notes, checked dates. As we did the picture got worse and worse and before us unfolded exactly what he had been doing. He had started this while he thought we were ‘going nowhere’ (just forgot to tell me about that), and continued even till after he lead me to believe we had made our way through ‘a bump in the road’. I was shocked, outraged, hurt, you name it. Hey, I still am all that!
Now he was someone I had huge respect for, there was always so much honour about him. Always owning up to his mistakes. Never feeling sorry for himself. Everything he had told me about himself that I was able to check, all had checked out to be true. Without me asking he sent me some copies of papers to proof he was telling the truth. So I thought he was for real. Knowing others thought highly of him helped there too.
Now I won’t say I never had any doubts or things I wondered about. The big things I always asked him about which he cleared up, even though at times it took some time. The smaller things I just remembered, waiting for our first visit, when I’d be able to look him in the eye and see what he was all about and talk to him about a few of those. At times it can be real hard for me to know the difference between a true gut feeling something is wrong and my own insecurities playing up.
And I was puzzled by all this too. See, he is not stupid, he knows the difference between right and wrong, he knows we all know each other, so he knew he’d be found out. Why on earth try and pull something like this? Some weird self sabotage?? Believing he’s not worthy?? Or is this what being in seg for a long time does to you; make you selfish and desperate? Making you live in a dreamland with your own fabricated truths??
The way he is dealing with it once he realised it would soon be out in the open I find awful. So far he got angry with one, played the innocent ‘you misunderstood’ with an other, and I get the cowards way out: silence. Ah, secrets and silence, the very things that poison relationships, ourselves and in fact the whole of society if we are not careful. Let me not get into a rant about that one……… What matters here is that I prefer to live in truth. No matter how much this hurts, I have to face this mess and deal with it.
My emotions run all over. After a few days of mainly being numb I now feel great sadness and anger. I am so upset as he is not all bad. And as we had had difficulties in keeping communication going for a while, and it now looked like there would be less problems for us there.
Right now I still feel committed to him. Even if it is just to end this properly. And yes I know, I won’t forget: he betrayed me. Big time even. I have to make myself look at the facts all the time to really see and let sink in that is part of him too.
Dang, I hate having to be the first break up story on this new forum. And I sure do not mean this post to make anybody paranoid or anything. But this is what happened to my ‘pen pal turned more relationship’.


tulip, you are one of the smartest, kindest, and most respectful people i've run into here on PTO, and i know that just by reading your post this hurts, but you are mature and strong, and definitely making your way through this. this is a blessing, thank God you found out now before even more time, emotion, money, and whatever else was spent on him. i'm here, and you know where to find me if you ever need me. keep smiling...you're the best and you deserve the best. *hugs* and i mean every word!

I was just browsing through this thread and I want to tell you, Tulip, that I really feel for you. My soul is hurt by that one. And the reality is, it could happen to anyone of us. So I give you much praise because you appear to be a strong woman. I don't know what my reaction would have been and I hope not to ever find out. But who knows? You will be in my prayers tonight. Stay strong and whatever you decide to do, you know you will always be supported, not judged here at PTO. :grouphug:

Tulip,

I'm so sorry that something like this has happened to you, I truly feel bad about this for you, I am glad that you are keeping your head up and that overall you are doing okay and dealing well with all of this.

Please feel free to PM me if you would like to talk, I'm hanging around PTO most of the time, I'll be looking forward to hear from you!

Rebeca

]As I was joking with a friend the other day: there is no way on my tombstone it will ever say 'she had a boring life'.

Amen, you and me both!;)

im so sorry tulip......i really hate reading heartbreaking stories like this!!!!!

When I came home yesterday there was a letter from him waiting for me. It was the letter he'd referred to before and written before he had heard from others that the jig is up and before he got my final letter. Or at least, supposedly written before he knew............ I'm not really trusting that one too much.
As I was really tired from a very long trip back home which included being stranded at an airport overnight I felt very vulnerable and the letter was full of sweet talk, and oh, I wish all he had said in that letter was true. But, it is not of course.
Now I had some sleep and can think again I see only too well how he is manipulating some stuff just to try and talk his way out of this. Not working of course, I had smarties for breakfast!!
All in all I feel stronger every day. Having seen some of the stuff he's written others, and now what he's writing me........ seeing it on paper really helps me, no matter how painful it is of course.
For the rest, I keep myself busy with a change in career which is more than exciting and a really great opportunity, that really helps!
Oh, and that 'killer jacket' I bought a few weeks ago; I wore it to the job interview last Tuesday, and one of the first things the lady who interviewed me said was 'that's a killer jacket you're wearing!'.

Good for you! take care of yourself, girl...i wish you only good things!