I have noticed from the boards that there are several people on here who were working in the system when they fell in love with their man. Eventually they quit their jobs. In most of the cases, they were very unhappy with the job and the treatment of the inmates. I have read a few posts where the officer got to know some of the inmates but only started a relationship after the fact. Anyway...my question is this: How many ex-officers do we have on here that have fallen in love with an inmate?

Tracey

Hello, I am an ex c/o. We fell in love at the prison but nothing happened till I left. We are still together even though they put him in the hole, messed with our mail, and sliced my tires. That was almost two years ago. They still won't let us visit. We are very much in love and holding tight. He is up for parole in 2007 so we are hopeful that he will be able to come home then. For those that are curious I didn't get the job to find love. I was already planning to quit because of the crap I saw. I only held on as long as I did because I knew I wouldn't be allowed to see him once I quit. I was in a position to talk with him everyday. I miss that very much.

Ravenslove - you are one of the ones I knew about...and your story is so touching and beautiful. I wish you all the best.

Tracey

I was a co for 12 years. I worked with Robbie everyday we were very good friends but I never considered a relationship with him.....even though he told me that he loved me....everyday. I had been away from my job 3 years when he was released. He came to see me in person and told me that he had meant it.....He loved me......we are stil together. I'm not allowed to visit yet either and nothing ever happened on the job.

Thanks Red that means alot to us.

I am not an ex-co but I am an ex-employee inside a facility. I got into a relationship and lost my job as a result. I personally loved my job but that is a thing of the past. I am no longer with him but I have met a wonderful man who is also an inmate and we are doing just fine! He is the most amazing man I know.

I also was not a c/o but nurse that worked in the system. We are going strong and waiting on him to come home...I know other people who were c/o's who also got involved, it happens everyday, in every state, in every prison...we are human first and prison employees last...

Why don't they allow you to visit?

They won't let us visit. They say that we are a threat to the institution. Even though they most likely have been moved to a new prison. They look at us as traitors.

I have no problem including all prison employees to this poll - not just ex-officers. I think that it would be very hard to work around these people everyday and not get attached to several of them. It does not surprise me at all that the staff falls in love with the inmates. There are a lot of amazing men in there...

I was a c/ o for 8 yrs. I feel in love with my husband and quit also. Just like raven I am not allowed to visit either. But we are very much in love. he goes up for parole in may and even if it doesn't happen then he gets out in 22 months.

hi, i worked as a c/o for 4 in a half years. i quit as well, but they gave me a option. Why can't yall visit, because i know someone who is an ex c/o and she has visit someone and she did on the same unit she worked at. I hope i will be able to visit Jesse cause i miss him so much and just want to be able to talk to him without looking over my shoulder.

I worked as a CO for almost 3 years, never even thought about a relationship with anyone, I had a hit put out on me due to locking a inmate up for asking to have a relationship with me, and was put in the towers , well after a while I was brought down, now when your in a tower for 8 hours you can't leave for a break and your there for 5 days a week, with a AR15 and a Shotgun, you get to think and see and I realized what type of job I really had well now back on the ground I treated inmates the way I wanted to be treated I was respected and protected all I ever said was please and thankyou when I needed something done now I will say the inmates knew when I was not feeling good or mad the days that I worked, Now officers that I worked with started getting mad or jealous want ever you want to call it, I never had to worry about inmates stabbing me in the back, it was officers that would do it, anyhow while out on the yard, I talked with the one I am with now, never talked about personal things and always had another officer around, but after watching the officers, realizing the inmates are human also, and that either I join in with the abuse I saw or get out. One night while I stayed up in the officer station I watched 2 sgt and a officer ragged on a inmate wanting so bad to see him finch just once so they could use force on him, you know I really was proud of that inmate for the self control he showed, after they let him go back to sleep they came up and bragged about if only he had moved one finger what they would have done, I contacted my Capt. and told him what I saw I was told to shut up and that he could have my job so I got stuck in the towers again I think that was the best thing my capt could have done for me, well this time I watched and planned out my future of my own business and when the time was right I put in my 2 week notice in and quit and then waited a couple of months and wrote the inmate I am with now, yes even after I quit we both were put under investigation, I was told by the warden and inspector they looked up to me for quitting and waiting to have a realtionship with a inmate but I still broke the code that officers had so they started messing with him. after much writing to people for help,and asking questions here, he is no longer at that institution. It has been more then a year since I quite and we write and call, I will try to get on his visitation list, but I told him all we can do is pray, the funny part of all of this is we met a long time ago and I didn't remember him, it took his mother looking through old pictures to point that out

I wasn't a CO, but I was a Classification casemanager and I had over 300 offenders on my caseload. My husband and I met there. We were just friends at first and he NEVER put any moves on me. If he had, I would've dropped him like a hot rock! People got suspicious, but didn't have any real proof that we were writing each other, but when I got confronted, I admitted it. He got transferred and I got put on six months probation. Then IA decided I'd almost coimpleted my probation without a hitch so they decide to fabricate "evidence" and even wired an inmate (the inmate told me he had a wire on) plus another inmate came and told me that IA and the chaplain were trying to set me up by putting a wire on an inmate! I eventually quit that job, began seeing and writing him. We married the following year by proxy. That was almost twelve years ago and we're still together! It hasn't been easy by any means. Some people in this town that work or used to work for the prison system still don't forgive or forget. Others, the ones that are my true friends, don't mind at all. We've been thru lots of crap before and after he got released. He was released four years and one month ago. If anyone cares to hear more, I can fill your email up! JLH

I was a deputy that fell in love with a trustee and when he was released from prison we moved in together. He is now back in prison and according to the parole board will be released next month. That boy captured my heart from the moment I got on to him about his grey shirt (it was supposed to be white) and has held it ever since. I quit at the jail after before he went to prison the first time and we will marry the day he is released.

i wasn't an officer but i worked in the system and i quit when i fell in love. i left exactly 1 week after i knew we were serious, and even though i actually did like my job more than i disliked it, it wasn't worth him. and i don't regret not one decision. i didn't suffer any penalty, but that was probably because i quit as soon as i knew we were headed for trouble if i stayed lol.

I am a Ex-CO, only worked there about a year, not the job for me. So I quit, looked him up to let him know I was gone and we started writing, that was in 2001, as of July 2005 we are married, he is still at the same unit we met at, we are blessed to beable to have our visits, it took some letters and phone calles be we got them.

I was a counselor when we met..... that was 2 1/2 years ago. Hard to believe it's been so long..... hard to believe we're only half way home.
Anywho... I can't say yet how the end to our story will go. It's been trying for a multitude of reasons..... starting a relationship built on lies and deception hasn't worked in our favor yet..... it's still hard to forget sometimes what we went thru when I was still at the prison. Plus it's impossible to ignore all the DOC punishment that followed.
As for visitation... I too was barred.... until a week ago. Yeah!!! I have not seen him in a year and a half so I am dying to hold that man again! So why am I not there?!!? Well we're trying to figure out now if we want to split ways.... plus they approved me to visit him at the facility he was at... then low and behold, they moved him 3 days later. So not exactly what one might call fair play, but that would be the DOC for you!!

That is the basics.... feel free to ask if you want further details!

T.

A more interesting question would be "how many current Officers are in love with an inmate"

hello,
i am an ex/co....i...fell in love w/an man in the system....and i worked in the prison system for almost five yrs before i walked out and never looked back!!!!

I was a c/ o for 8 yrs. I feel in love with my husband and quit also. Just like raven I am not allowed to visit either. But we are very much in love. he goes up for parole in may and even if it doesn't happen then he gets out in 22 months.

Are you barred from ever visiting? Just wondering...in Kansas they impose a wait of 2 years if you were an employee.

Are you barred from ever visiting? Just wondering...in Kansas they impose a wait of 2 years if you were an employee.

I don't know were Timber is from but in Ohio they can screw with you as much as they want. I know one lady who fought for 3 years to see her man. So they could theoretically mess with us till it is time for him to be up for parole. Unlike Timbers' man. my man has a 40 year tail so it could be all bad should we raise to much hell. It looks more likely that he will be out in 2007, but the 40 years is possible.

They consider an ex employee to be a security threat. They also like to make you unhappy if at all possible for having a relationship of any kind with an offender. You are truly labeled and looked down upon!

All current employees need to know that internal affairs monitors this sight too!

Here in Texas they will do their best to keep you from visiting, there is an 24 month waiting period and after that you can put in to be considered, but if you were fired or if there is anything on your record that you where having a relationship ar even they throught your were then they will deny you everytime.

They tried to give me and Will a hard time, but since there was no relationship and I quit all they could do was keep losing the paperwork, it took us two months to get everything done.

aww LeeLee's i hope everything works out for you two! i don't hope ya'll split ways...i mean you've gone through alot for each other :(

here i don't see the barring happening too much. if you're lucky and get out with no scars...then you're pretty much welcome i suppose...

im an ex-co......fell in love with my husband on site!!!!!!! we've been together for ten yrs!!!!!

All current employees need to know that internal affairs monitors this sight too!
:eek: Dayum, talkin bout bein all up in the Kool-Aid!! :eek:

I worked for DOC for almost 2 years and like Aceinthehole, I never worried about the inmates stabbing me in the back, it was always the officers. I quit when I realized how in love with my man that I was, that it was more than a passing attraction. I was tired of feeling paranoid everytime that I was around him, trying to hide my feelings and not look at him THAT WAY. I didn't quit my job for him though, I quit for me. I would have never thought that I would have found love behind those walls and certainly never looked for it. I was damn good at my job, never let anything out of the way happen between us before I quit. And it hurt to leave knowing it'd be a long time before I could see him again. It's been 3 1/2 months and we have 2 1/2 more before I can even be considered for a visit. In NC, you have to wait at least 6 months before you can even apply for visitation and it can't be at the facility where you worked. Even though he's still at that facility, he now has his mediums and will be finished with the program that he's currently in in 2 months and his case manager says that he'll be shipped then. So I'm crossing my fingers and it's phone calls and letters til then. I know that some of the inmates know about our relationship and by now, some of the staff too, but they can have their opinions and judgements. I'm doing what makes me happy, with a man that has given up a lot to be with me, just like I have him. Honestly, I think that I fell in love with him the first time that I saw him & he says the same. He was so respectful when I was there, never coming at me the wrong way like most of those guys and that's one of the things that has drawn me to him. He comes home in July '07 as long as everything goes right til then, if not, his max is Feb '08. No matter what, we'll get there together. Like he says, it's me and him til the end and they can only keep us apart for so long.

Aceinthehole your story is almost a mirror of what happened with me except i didn't have any intimate relationship with an inmate. i firmly believe that they choose to target the females if you do your job and do it right. i made lots of lifetime friends during my career some staff and some inmates. i hold no regrets for walking away when "I" chose to do so.
i know that it pi**ed them off that i chose to resign and not endur any more of their BS. best move i ever made in my life.
i fully understand what you mean about having to worry more about the staff than the inmates. i to held alot of respect with the inmates and knew that i could not count on my co workers for much of anything. God has chosen my path for me and I shall follow.

God bless

I worked in the kitchen at the prison when I met my man. I even told myself time and time again that I would not fall for any of the inmates that it wasn't right but then I took one look at my man and could just feel a strong connection. It took a month before anything happened because he left the kitchen but I always looked for him every chance I got. It all happened when he came back to work in the kitchen. I eventually got walked for having contraband, he got sent to the hole for having a relationship with me. It took a month for us to reconnect after I lost my job but its been good ever since. I thought about quitting my job because of the officers but also I wanted to be able to see him everyday and that was nice. Now I may never get to see him while he is still at this prison but at least I have phone calls and letters. I have run into CO's since then and none of them hold it against me that I fell in love. In fact one of them told me that if he worked in a woman's prison he probably would have done the same thing. You just can't help who you fall in love with and I really believe that now.

I tip my hat to all of U! I guess it's true what has been said lv is were you find it!

I am not trying to down anyone, so don't think I am. I am going to try and word this to offend as few people as possible. I have worked in a maximum security male prison for 7 years now. I would never consider the idea. I do understand that you can't help who you fall in love with. I do understand that. But, there is a line I drew for myself when I hired on. I will not cross it. Maybe it is professionalism...pride...my own personal morals. I do respect those who got out once they realized they were having feelings. To them I say thank you. You realized what was happening and got out before putting anyone at risk. They did things the right way. Anyone who works in a prison and feels there is the remotest chance they might have feelings for an inmate...needs to get out. Period. They put us all at risk...inmates and officers alike. The ones that stay are the ones that make us all look bad...the unprofessional ones. I really have nothing for them. I work daily with administration and OIG to get rid of the officers having relationships and those bringing in contraband. I am thankful it is now a felony offense...maybe it will make people think twice. And bringing in contraband, well that is a whole other soap box. My apologies to any of the innocent bystanders (or those who did things the right way) that this might have offended. I just don't condone it and felt like voicing my view on the issue.

I thought that I was the least likely of any female to ever fall for an inmate. I worked Max for 5 years and transferred to a medium. Twenty days later that same month my man transferred in and we both knew there was a connection. I tried to transfer out to two other places but with no luck. I avoided him for 2 months, I took days off, I tried to get out of his unit, and all he could say was, "There's no use kicking and scratching". We've been together ever since I quit (5 yrs) and it has gotten worse with the MDOC as far as harrassment to the point where I just got off from a 90 day VR. But my man is an ordained minister and has all the faith in the world that they can't take our love. His whole world changed with this relationship and I believe that he is in prison and I worked there just so we could meet. Now all he's got to do is get out so that we can have a life.

I also wanted to add this for 30flat, don't be surprised if you find out someday that you are actually there to make a difference in someones life other than the everyday enforcing rules and earning a paycheck. Been there done it, happened, God's plan!

I will make my 'difference' my way, according to the rules and the law. It does not include, nor never will, establishing a relationship with an inmate. Treating them as human is one thing...a relationship is another. This is my way...Others, will see fit to do it their way. We all have our own morals and boundaries. Maybe mine are just a little more set in stone than others. Others are more comfortable with wavering than I am. Such is life. To each their own.

Let me just add...as mere humans, we can interpret the teachings of the bible however we see fit. For me, that does not include justifying my transgressions (whatever they may be) as anything other than human weakness. People can use "God's plan" to justify any actions...IMO.

I'am an x state employee I worked as a dental assistant for 5 years.I met a very special person and decided to get a job on the outside (private Dr).Just in case things progressed. and they have.But now since I sent my first set of pictures hes been locked up and transfered. I have not heard from him in almost 3 weeks. But I still write. I dont care. The reason I left there was to try and do everything by the books. and they still are F.cking with him. I am very upset and miss receiving his mail. I hope that once my year has passed of being an employee that I will be allowed to visit.

I hope you get your visits too. It's very sad that some people don't realize that we are here on earth for one thing and that is love. It is the one thing that many of these inmates never experienced in their life and why many are sitting right where they are. Good luck on your journey.

Reading your stories, reminds me of why I could have never taken a job in a prison, I was interviewed once for a admin job, but I turned it down. I would have gotten into too much trouble sympathizing with the inmates, not to mention probably falling for a few of them.

It's too bad that you all can't visit with your guys it seems silly now that you've all left your jobs. There must be something to your relationships if you're still hanging there, so more power to you all.

I give the upmost respect to all of you for your courage there are alot of cowards out there in this world that wouldn't ever admit to loving an inmate while on the job. But the truth is the light and I give all of the upmost RESPECT. I was going to be a CO I am glad I didn't my honey means the world to me and some CO's are so cruel. Thank the Lord for the Truthful ones that Love their mates that much.

I guess you believe what you said and you if you know about God he can fix your ways and believe me you may fall for an inmate just to be put in a situation to understand some of the people that have been in that situation and didn't do the right thing. I am not working for the system at all I just believe some of us shouldn't say things that may happen even if you are a strong person GOD can change it all. This is just a note because I said alot of things I would never do but I have did or I am doing now so I will never say never and I didn't realize it till later after things was said and done. Sorry had to add a reply to that.

Thank you Blessedwayne for understanding because most people dont and I can understand that too because I never did either until it happened to me. My family doesnt even understand it to this day and there is absolutely no support there. I remember asking my man what kind of a woman would do such a thing and his reply was, "a very caring one." My man has spent half his life locked up because as he says he just didnt care. Now he cares very deeply and is trying to do all the right things. Love can change a life. He wrote a book called, "Spiritual Awakening", got ordained, got his Doctor of Divinity and Doctor of Motivation. Wouldn't anyone rather see an inmate preparing himself for the world in a good productive way than getting harder and worse in prison so when he hits the streets like Selepak he is dangerous to all? I believe that 30Flat is a very good officer, knowledgable and there to do the job and I respect that because there needs to be more that do their job but theres not one of him/her that put a dent in my mans pattern of thinking after all those years. I can recall going into the job thinking if I could just help change one persons ways and they came out a better person than I did my job, but I had no idea it was going to happen this way. So I know it's a God thing because I had no intention of doing it with love.

Oh, and one last thing, I also was professional, had pride and morals and had boundaries too. I did alot of sacrificing because you have to make a choice between a $45,000 a yaer job with all the state benefits or love. Not to mention all of the other things I sacrificed. And yes, if I didnt say it earlier we are a mixed couple and by some that is bad. Then there is the ex-officer thing which some may look at I guess as a traitor so we get alot of flack on visits. So it does take alot of courage which my man has alot of and its rubbing off on me as we grow together as one.

:eek: Maybe a few work out. Don't know for how long they last. Mostly what I came across was using. One inmate must have been going for a record on how many CO's she could take out. Didn't matter the sex, either. One officer had a regular brothel set up on the Murry Unit, Tx.. Went to trial but he got off real easy. I found out about one relationship on Gatesville Unit and just because of my knowledge the inmate tried to set me up for bringing in drugs (which I didn't). I didn't like to see inmates used by officers and wanted officers gone that were guilty. Inmates usually told me when there was a problem but it was hard to do something about it and not get crossed out yourself. Male officers are useless on a female unit as are some female officers. Only cause problems. But good in use of force. Very few who I trusted to have my back.

An old Gatesville Unit:blah: Officer (retired )

Gatesville Unit - The Armpit of the Texas System

You just can't help who you fall in love with and I really believe that now.

This is soooo true.

i wasn't an officer but i worked in the system and i quit when i fell in love. i left exactly 1 week after i knew we were serious, and even though i actually did like my job more than i disliked it, it wasn't worth him. and i don't regret not one decision. i didn't suffer any penalty, but that was probably because i quit as soon as i knew we were headed for trouble if i stayed lol.

You probably saved yourself from a lot of grief by leaving as soon as you did. I was not a c.o. but worked alongside someone somewhat special. A relationship was not (and is not) in the cards for us. When I left, I told him that if he ever transferred - which is what he waited on for so long - that I would be in touch. Well, it was one of the longest transfers I have ever seen - he was moved after two years! I wrote - he wrote back and we have been writing for about a year and a half.

The thing that kills me is that you can be an ex felon and visit but in Ohio you can't be an ex c/o. I agree with Michela c/o's can't change an inmate but a loved one can.

okay my questions to these ladies is. Is it the men that approach or yourselves? And to the ones that are dirty do they ever get turned down for whatever reason do they persue? And has being with an inmate ever come accross your mind before this? I was gonna work for this department but my brother was against it said I would fall in love too easy. And did anyways but not as an employee. (smile)

My questions are not offend anyone just curious. Know what I jelly bean?

I can't answer for all of us but in my case I felt intense longing at first sight. In my case I did not know he was an inmate at the time I met him. He says it was love at first site. I just knew that I was meant to be with that man. It wasn't till the next morning I knew he was an inmate. We both avoided each other as much as we could. It was impossible with our assignments. After about a month of trying to avoid each other. He went on a quest and I was at a pow wow. Both of us saw our future together. I quit and we started writing each other. So to say who made the first move is hard. We both did. I am one of those that never thought I would be with a convict. Far from it I was a cop for 10 years before becoming a c/o. My ex husband was a police officer also. Never in a million years would I consider being with a convict. The Great Spirit had other ideas. He sent me the most precious man in the world. My heart and my soul.
I don't understand your question about pursuing. and not offended.

I understand why women get upset with c/o's who fall in love with convicts. But my man was alone for 12 years while inside and would still be if a c/o hadn't fallen in love with him.

We have been going strong against all opposition for 2 1/2 years.

no offense taken and I hope I have given you a little insight to the way some c/o's feel.

I will answer your questions first from what I saw then my situation. Most of the time it is the men that come at you. While I was working there I had alot of guys try to go there with me, but I wasnt feeling them, just kinda brushed them off and kept going. I have seen some that got turned in, turn around and try to get the CO in trouble because she didnt want him, some will just keep at it till they break her down and get her, it can start small and get bigger. Nope, not like this, I have a play brother that has been locked up for years and over the years I have had a few pen pals thru him, but nothing like what I have with my husband.
Now my situation, my now husband never came at me like the others did, me and him were cool, he did let me know that he liked me and that someday I would be his wife, but that was it. He never asked me for anything. He just seemed different from the others. So when I quit I wrote him to let him know I had quit and we ended up staying in touch, we build a friendship first then it became more. Even when I started writing him, I wrote to let him now I was alright, cause I just kinda quit, no one saw it comming, and I wanted to let him know that I was alright and to find out how he was doing.

okay my questions to these ladies is. Is it the men that approach or yourselves? And to the ones that are dirty do they ever get turned down for whatever reason do they persue? And has being with an inmate ever come accross your mind before this? I was gonna work for this department but my brother was against it said I would fall in love too easy. And did anyways but not as an employee. (smile)

My questions are not offend anyone just curious. Know what I jelly bean?

well...from my experience, it is usually the inmate that approaches the worker. not always, but i see the inmates making moves more than i see the workers doing it. my hubby approached me first. i had noticed him because he noticed ME. we stayed away from each other for a few months, and then one day he managed to slip into the area that i worked. over the course of a few months he began to subtly let me know he was interested. it took him a long time to make me think he was serious and even longer to decide if a relationship with him was worth the things i had to lose. when i realized that i too had fallen in love, i quit. before being with him, i was open to the idea of dating someone in prison in the past, but had decided that i really wanted NOT to be in ANY relationship, prison oriented or not. i was not AGAINST being with an inmate however. i dont understand the dirty part of your post, but no offense taken to your questions at all.

Most of these ladies have it right. It is almost always the inmate that initiates any relationship. My situation was like Willsgirl. We were always cool, but he didn't push up on me or be in my face all of the time like the others. And yet, he made his feelings known that one day, I would leave the guy that I was with for him and we would be married one day. I tell him all the time that it was that cocky attitude that made my mind up, but he says that it was just inevitable. I quit my job when I realized that he was who I truly wanted to be with, somebody that I could spend the rest of my life with. I was good at my job, and I knew that I made a difference in some of those guys ways of thinking, but I know that I had to do what was going to make me happy in the long run, and he does that.

I'm glad all of you are happy and I also respect that you all waited untill you were no longer employed there to act on your emontions.:thumbsup:

I was a food service supervisor for 5 1/2 years. I can't begin to tell you the hell I went through. I quit my job while under investigation for overfamiliarity. My stellar man had been "ridden out" four months prior to me being investigated. Some guys knew I was writing him and tried to blackmail me into illegal activities for their silence. I don't do those kinds of things for anyone or anything. So they sent a "kite" to the inspectors. They in turn ransacked my honey's cell and found the typed letters I wrote. I had to get an attorney because they said they were going to prosecute me for sex and drugs. It was such a nightmare. I thought for sure everyone that knew me would see the stupidity in their accusations. I dont even drink, nor am I a loose woman by anyones standards. But to my shock and horror, not only did people believe it, but they added their own stories. I thought so many people cared about me and they turned on me . I had a small handful that stayed by my side. The state investigators were willing to "work" with Alton, (my baby) for testimony against me. They didnt care if it was the truth or not. He stood solid and eventually they dropped the investigation. Then my attorney told me I could finally write him. Then several months later we were allowed to visit. No people don't support my decision to be with a convict and race is always brought up also. They tell me he is using me....... I'm sure all of you know the script. But if he was using me he missed the boat because he could have lied and gained all kinds of favors and such for testifying against me. It was a nightmare and I have few friends now. But they are quality. And I have a man that I adore and that adores me. I too hated the way the d.o.c. employees were allowed to treat human beings. There are some good officers, that are fair and solid, but not nearly enough. Some are more corrupt than the inmates, some have major power issues, and some are like me. I never intended to find love this way. It is so difficult some times and he is in for ten more years until his first out date. I love him and I will stand by his side like he stood by mine. Thats my story. Now I battle with jobs, money issues associated with the department. (They financially rape the friends and families of inmates with the phone and store prices etc...) Thanks for listening.
Cindy

I worked as a commissary clerk at countyjail. every day I got letters passed to me from inmates. when I walked through they started beating on the windows,yelling, you name it. My trustee called them my groupies. I stayed in trouble, my clothes, talking to inmates you name it. I was put on a type probation cuz i was told I had to be a bitch or I wouldnt make it. anyway I started a relationship with a inmate. we stayed together for abt a year, but I did get fired because of him and was not allowed to visit him either. Found out later he was just a user and felt stupid for ever getting involved with him.

I too hated the way the d.o.c. employees were allowed to treat human beings. There are some good officers, that are fair and solid, but not nearly enough. Some are more corrupt than the inmates, some have major power issues, and some are like me. I never intended to find love this way.


I read this part of your post and just HAD to reply! I worked in a facility here in NY in a civilian position. The other civilians were married to CO's who brought that hating inmate mentality into the office day after day. If they saw you talking to any of the inmates there were accusations and innuendos but it was always okay for them to do it. They treated these poor guys like absolute dirt. When I went into the facility I went in with the belief that I was not to judge any of the inmates because I didnt live their lives. I decided to leave DOCS because I wasn't going to give into the majority of the haters. I havent regretted it since. :)

I walked away from 18 years in the system. Haven't regretted it one moment. Will never be allowed to visit, but letters and phone calls keep us going. And I SWORE I could never, ever look at an inmate in that way.

Welcome floydsbaby, Been there and still doing it.

Thanks for the welcome. Every day is a struggle, but well worth it.

I don't know how I've missed this thread...but ditto to my story. We met, had no clue what we felt (I know I felt we were like best friends) and that was starting to worry me. I was definitely a person that said "an inmate, are you for real?" Long story short b/c a few of these read just like mine, an allegation was made (I guess??) and I was questioned over and over. He was transferred immediately when the allegation or whatever happened. I left the department and have never regretted it for one moment. It has been rough and I still have lots of friends who work there. I can't change people's feelings or attitudes...I can only live my life. I know the truth and that is the important thing, as far as I'm concerned. They finally, (I guess??) after 2 years, have given up looking for something that simply didn't happen. I have moved on professionally but the scars they left and the damage they did to me and my family can never be returned. We are fine and I love this man like crazy. I really had to realize you will NEVER convince some people of certain things NO MATTER what...so either live your life for you or let them take you down. Most of the "haters" are miserable in their lives and the old addage...Misery loves company is TRUE! That is not meaning offense to anyone...it is how I feel. :yes:

I forgot one thing...I hope investigators, state officials, whomever, reads this and will realize, I did the right thing but it got me nothing but misery and harm. I would do it all over again b/c what I did was not wrong or harmful since I left when I realized what I felt.

BIG UPS TO ALL OF YOU B/C IT IS TOUGH AND WHO IN THE WORLD WOULD CHOOSE THIS LIFE IF IT WAS NOT FOR LOVE??

Thanks for the welcome. Every day is a struggle, but well worth it.

Exactly...if you didn't TRULY care, would you honestly keep this relationship going??? And wouldn't it be easier to walk away... well, that is what they hope you will do.

I say if it's what you feel and what you think is meant to be, live your life FOR YOU. My guy always says to me:

"They can only have control, or take away something, if YOU allow them to do it!"

GOOD LUCK! :thumbsup:

In my situation, my baby begged the investigators to let it go. So far (knock on wood) they have. They tried to get him to say that I brought crap in for him, but he knew the truth and stuck with it. He is the light of my life.

In my situation, my baby begged the investigators to let it go. So far (knock on wood) they have. They tried to get him to say that I brought crap in for him, but he knew the truth and stuck with it. He is the light of my life.

Same here...they offered him the world but he handed it back to them!

They kept telling Floyd that he was the "victim". So now he tells me he feels so used and dirty. :rolleyes: :D

They always try to get them to roll. They will still put them in seg either way.

I met my fiance while i was a CO at his facility. After they found out about us they gave me the option to resign and I did. They locked him down foe 35 days then shipped him as far away as they could. I visited him for the first time 3 weeks ago and it was wonderful. I will be going back next week-end. They also told both of us alot of lies about each other.we did not believe any of it.

I was also a c/o in a private prision who was eventually involved with an inmate, I dont have to elaborate on the issues that really go on because everyone else did, but they messed with us bad when he was taken to the hole and they found my pictures in his cell that I had another c/o take to him. Then he had a bunch of tats with my name, my kids names, my b-date on him it was a real big deal, he then transfered four months later and we were able to visit no problem, they had no clue that I had worked as a c/o. I am very lucky. One of my friends that I worked with at the private facility just got caught up taking an inmate stuff and shes now facing charges, its crazy, its all in who you know.

Kapri and I aren't together right now, but still talk and write. I still care deeply for him and can't say for sure that things won't work out when he comes home next year, but for now, I need this time apart. J's ladee, you were lucky about the visits. Mine have been denied indefinately, even though I never got in trouble for anything and quit voluntairily for another job. They have denied me to visit any inmate in DOC except immediate family (which I have none incarcerated), even friends that were never at my facility. But I guess that what happens when you try to do the right thing and be honest on your visitation application.

Yes I have learned that honesty doesn't pay when your talking about ex c/o's and visitation. Three years, three institutions and still no visits.

i give everyone props for their honesty, but if people don't ask, i don't tell. this is why i left ASAP...i KNEW i would eventually get busted for SOMETHING if i didn't go. so i had to decide...job or love...and i chose love. haven't regretted it since. the DOC has been and still is very good to me.

Wow, this is really great that these men were able to find love of you all on the inside. Just because a man is in prison do not mean he have to be lonely. Women do come into the prison plus a fella could always ask a guy who's got a girl do she got a friend. And, there's the penpals. I mean just because a man is in prison don't mean he have to be womanless. If he got some skills, he can get himself somebody. This is the land of opportunity and I am glad that you ladies had the opportunity to meet the loves of your lives.

I'm still trying to figure this visit thing though. I know it varies state to state but basically I think it's if you quit on your own you can visit when you want, may prefer if he moves to a different facility. If they ask you to resign then you gotta wait 2 years and if they fire you you may never be able to visit? :confused:

Best wishes to all of us because with you ladies on this side of the fense, that makes you part of what makes up us!! :o

Right HeSo, it really depends on how the state handles it, here in Texas even if you quit you still have to wait 2 years, but you do stand a better chance of getting approved. I read somewhere that, some states wont let you visit if you didnt know them before they went in.

Anyway they can continue to take from them they will

I worked in corrections for 13 years before going back to university. During those wonderful years, not only did I meet some of the most wonderful people of my life but, because I had developed an excellent relationship with the inmate population, I felt protected by them and I knew that some of the largest men I have ever met were watching my back and that they would never allow anyone to touch me. Oddly enough, I did not have the same confidence in many of my colleagues who truly hated the fact that I got along so well with the inmates. At the same time, I don't think I would have had the nerve to allow myself to get into a relationship with any of them. The inmate population is unbelievably perceptive and they certainly "had my number" from the first day I worked at the institution. Fortunately, they had enough respect for me as a professional that none of them ever put me in that position.

Mrjustice, Does the last sentence of your post mean that you think that that inmates that some of us fell in love with didn't respect us? It's all nice until the last sentence.

MrJustice your right, they already know what kind of officer you will be when you step up in there. We were told that it is easier to go from hard to easy then from easy to hard, you just have to have a balance, only allow what is allowing and do it for everyone dont make a differnece.

michela-I dont think he meant it that way, but I will say if he asked you to do anything that was against the rules, then I was say yes that is a lack of respect.

There is nothing wrong with falling in love with an inmate, but it all comes down to how you handle it.

I too was 'respected' by all the inmates and they protected me for years... even the Love of my life (who I didn't know was there and when i did, I didn't tell as I was shocked that he was there and we had met before he was in AND we knew each other in a different state... life is funny and tragic for sure), I lost my job (I did love my job, but it was just a job) we were able to marry within 6 months, now I have to do the waitinig game to see him again... he will surprise me, He ALWAYS has :-)
Never in either of our wildest imaginations would he have thought I would show up working there, or me--- seeing Him there as an i/m!!!!!!!!! God has a plan for us all no matter what we think :-)

Up until yesterday, I was a C/O. I was walked out for false accusations. They said that I had a black (I am NOT racist) inmate that was claiming he had sexual contact with me on several occasions. Funny thing is, the man I fell in love with is Mexican! :) While on the job, I never did anything with him. I wanted to quit for quite some time before this all happened, but I knew once I quit I wouldn't see him again until he gets out in April 2007. Now I'm in limbo - can I write him? I miss him SO much, and I want him to know that I'm serious about us. We had talked on several occassions about us - he says he loves me, and I know I love him. We had an instant connection. But, I don't want to get him in any trouble ... is there a possible way for us to communicate? Is it safe to write him now since I'm no longer with the company even though I was walked or will that make him look bad? Any suggestions? I'd appreciate any responses! Thanks!!

Up until yesterday, I was a C/O. I was walked out for false accusations. They said that I had a black (I am NOT racist) inmate that was claiming he had sexual contact with me on several occasions. Funny thing is, the man I fell in love with is Mexican! :) While on the job, I never did anything with him. I wanted to quit for quite some time before this all happened, but I knew once I quit I wouldn't see him again until he gets out in April 2007. Now I'm in limbo - can I write him? I miss him SO much, and I want him to know that I'm serious about us. We had talked on several occassions about us - he says he loves me, and I know I love him. We had an instant connection. But, I don't want to get him in any trouble ... is there a possible way for us to communicate? Is it safe to write him now since I'm no longer with the company even though I was walked or will that make him look bad? Any suggestions? I'd appreciate any responses! Thanks!!

I was a CO for five years, and the first 4 years I would have never dreamed of becoming involved with an inmate much less falling in love. I was very good at my job, I respected the inmates and they respected me, and when other officers couldn't get an inmate to do something, they would always do it for me, simply because I was fair. Well about a year ago I got assigned to a Recreation detail, and I had 3 inmates who worked for me, we were all together for a large part of the day everyday. And we all had a good time, and did what we were supposed to be doing, but also we got to know each other, and 1 of them told me one day that when he got out he was coming back for me, and I thought he was joking. Well time went on and some afternoons I'd only take him out to the gym to clean and put up equipment, and we got really close. He kept saying I know you think I'm joking but I'm serious. He told me he loved me and he was for real. And then one day we were locking up and we were standing in a doorway and he kissed me, and I couldn't deny it anymore, that I felt the same about him, but I had tried so hard not to. We never did anything more than kiss and write letters, but we were getting too close to being caught. I got fired from my detail and put back on shift, and they locked him down, but had to let him back out 4 days later because he wasn't talking and they had no proof. I decided that rather than continue on under the spotlight of being caught, I was just quit and write and he gets out in May so, it's only 8 months apart. I know that it had to be fate that we met, Because he was the only inmate that I would have ever considered becoming involved with. And I truly believe that things will only get better once we are together in the free world.

Why come you Co's can't keep your business to yourself? Why do the entire prison system have know your business?( that you are in love with an inmate when you know the rules already) And knowing that it will cause the man to put in the hole and every other dehumanizing thing- why do you have to announce it- your affair? Why do you all act with such stupidity?

apf2489, what kind of charge do he have that brought him to prison originally? Where was the man you had at home?

Why come you Co's can't keep your business to yourself? Why do the entire prison system have know your business?( that you are in love with an inmate when you know the rules already) And knowing that it will cause the man to put in the hole and every other dehumanizing thing- why do you have to announce it- your affair? Why do you all act with such stupidity?

The title of the thread is ex c/o's and their relationships thats why we are telling our story. Are you a c/o if not then I don't think you have a story for this thread. There are many of us that have fallin in love with their men while they were working. Non of us started out looking for men in prison it was just the way things turned out. By the way c/o bashing is not allowed at PTO.

Why come you Co's can't keep your business to yourself? Why do the entire prison system have know your business?( that you are in love with an inmate when you know the rules already) And knowing that it will cause the man to put in the hole and every other dehumanizing thing- why do you have to announce it- your affair? Why do you all act with such stupidity?

First of all we are Ex-COs, meaning we no longer work there, so we have has much right to share our stories as well as everyone else here. I for one really dont care what the prison system think or have to say about my relationship, cause for one it is my relationship. And we didnt break the rules, how about you find out whats real before you come talking about something you know nothing about. If you would have read it you will see most of us were already gone before the relationship became a relationship.
So next time ask some questions first.

First off...this is a support forum for the family/friends/loved ones of inmates...where else would she talk about her man? It seems perfectly logical that she would tell her story here...amongst others that understand loving an inmate. I am going to have to go with Ravenslove on this and just say that there is no CO bashing on PTO. Seeing as the title of the thread is Ex-officers and relationships...I think them talking about their relationships is perfectly legit.

His charges have nothing to do with this thread. What purpose does it serve asking about them? What is the relevance to the topic? I also don't recall her mentioning any man at home. Yet again...what is the relevance? Easy answer...there is none. I don't understand the need for disrespect and anger directed at other members on a support forum. Even though I am not in their shoes, I find it disrespectful and offensive.

First off...this is a support forum for the family/friends/loved ones of inmates...where else would she talk about her man? It seems perfectly logical that she would tell her story here...amongst others that understand loving an inmate. I am going to have to go with Ravenslove on this and just say that there is no CO bashing on PTO. Seeing as the title of the thread is Ex-officers and relationships...I think them talking about their relationships is perfectly legit.

His charges have nothing to do with this thread. What purpose does it serve asking about them? What is the relevance to the topic? I also don't recall her mentioning any man at home. Yet again...what is the relevance? Easy answer...there is none. I don't understand the need for disrespect and anger directed at other members on a support forum. Even though I am not in their shoes, I find it disrespectful and offensive.

:thumbsup: I second

It's obvious that she has no idea what she is talking about. or even how to say it. Thanks 30 flat for the kind words. Will's girl Sometimes people don't get it.

I noticed that.

Why come you Co's can't keep your business to yourself? Why do the entire prison system have know your business?( that you are in love with an inmate when you know the rules already) And knowing that it will cause the man to put in the hole and every other dehumanizing thing- why do you have to announce it- your affair? Why do you all act with such stupidity?

I kept my business to myself, however other inmates know about stuff like this, and it is ultimately them who make it a problem. And his charges have nothing to do with any of it. And I'm unsure what having a man at home has to do with anything in this thread.

I could be wrong, but it seems like some people see the co's as a threat. They might be afraid that their man will "fall for" a CO. That's what it seems like to me, because alot of people are incredibly defensive and sensitive when CO's post around here. It's one thing if you have an honest question about the CO's, but you could ask it a little more respectfully.

MWI--that would include a CO who met an inmate while inside. The CO's have as much right to be here and be respected as anybody else does, IMHO.

You know, this is all very new to me, and I found this website thinking that everyone was welcome, I guess I was wrong. And if you have never spent time on the inside, you have absolutely NO CLUE, what really goes on, and how things really happen. And I didn't force this man to do anything, he knew the risks and chose to take them, and he already knew that going to the hole is a risk you take. So, I'm not sure what every other dehumanizing thing you are referring to, but believe this, if it weren't worth it to him to risk it, then he wouldn't have, and vice versa. Maybe you need to get some insight into the reality of this topic, and not just make accusatory statements when you know nothing about each individuals situation. Certainly you wouldn't want it done to you, and those you love. Are you somehow better than me for having a loved one in prison but you know them from a different aspect of your life? No, you are not.

Ni Apf, you are very right, you are welcome, you did come to the right place! PTO is here to give you support. But like everywhere else in life there can be people that are not always nice or don't think before they speak or speak when they don't have all their facts straight. There are many, many good supportive people here at PTO please don't let a few negative people discourage you! And again, Welcome to PTO! :)

I was a co for 6 yrs. before I met Joker. He was my working man on the tier. My other working man kept telling me that someone in the dorm has a crush on me. I was like yeah what ever I don't even get down like that. That could have been the worst mistake I ever made. Ehen he told me who it was I real pumped. Then he started talking to me and one thing lead to another. Then there was a jealous co who I went to school with and thought she was my best friend who told on me. I never said anything to herabout it, she just made her assumptions. They fired me of course because they went through my phone records and seen I had jail calls. They started harrasing him and everything. Shaking down his cell looking for mail from me. Well that was 3yrs. ago and we are still going strong. The only regret I have is none.

I'll tell you all, my fiance told me he would not have changed a thing. He did end up spending 35 days in the hole after they found out about us and he said he would do it all over again. He loves me and he said there was nothing they could do to change that. After 35 days they finally shipped him, now I do get to see him when I can afford to make the trip.

I am truely sorry for those of you who do not get to visit your loved one. I know that must be very difficult for you. Hopefully in time that will change for you.

I would also like to say thanks to those of you trying to defend us former CO's. I do realize that alot of women see us as a threat, but in most cases there is no reason for it.

I told Raven what Anita Fox said so eloquently after we stopped laughing he said and I quote " Look I spent 4 months in the hole and I wouldn't change one single minute if it meant I wouldn't have you to love. You are worth everything" Gosh I love that man.

If was a officer I would feel kinda of uncomfortable dating a inmate.I can understand you cannot help who you fall in love with,but I think you have to use your head as well and try not to fall in love so easily.my sister was a corrections officer and she talked about how the guys were so sweet and say sweet things.of course some are going to say sweet things because they really have nobody to show them any love once they get in prison.but when they get out from what I hear the story is all together different.did you ever consider that this is only going to last in the prison.what about when he gets out.remember now he been in prison for some time,so more then likely he is going to want to see what else is out there.you been around the inmate all that time of course their going to want some loving because you are all they see.but what about when they get out and see all these other women.what then.that is what I question.

Havefaith7,
Is your man in prison? If so, what do you think is going to happen when he gets out of prison?

Exactly, Michela!!

It really all depends on the people involved. I have NO doubts whatsoever regarding the love my Husband and I have for each other or how it will be when he comes home. It all depends on the people involved and what their souls are all about. :-)

First off I didn't fall in love easily. Both he and I were aware of the problems of being in love with the other side. As for what happens when he comes home I trust him in what he says and that our love is true. The other side of that is I was married before to a man on the outside who promised to love and honor. He should have promised to love and honor till someone else came along. Men can be faithful both in and out or they can cheat in and out. Only time will tell.


If was a officer I would feel kinda of uncomfortable dating a inmate.I can understand you cannot help who you fall in love with,but I think you have to use your head as well and try not to fall in love so easily.my sister was a corrections officer and she talked about how the guys were so sweet and say sweet things.of course some are going to say sweet things because they really have nobody to show them any love once they get in prison.but when they get out from what I hear the story is all together different.did you ever consider that this is only going to last in the prison.what about when he gets out.remember now he been in prison for some time,so more then likely he is going to want to see what else is out there.you been around the inmate all that time of course their going to want some loving because you are all they see.but what about when they get out and see all these other women.what then.that is what I question.

Havefaith7,
Is your man in prison? If so, what do you think is going to happen when he gets out of prison?My man is not in prison.I have a friend in prison.if I offended you sorry but I like to speak my mind.Im just stating what I was told by a ex-corrections officer herself who worked around some of the guys.also watching Judge Mathis show he even mentioned that.I can see if you already was in a relationship with the person before they were in prison.I can understand that.but you are officer and going after a inmate does not look cute.my opinion.sorry if you nobody likes.

You can speak your mind all you want but I'll remind you just like anybody else that comes her that this is a support group for inmates and their loved ones. I see you are new and it's nice if people that don't have anything good to say just bypass the thread and move on to something else. I just happened to notice that this seemed to be the only thread that caught your interest. I don't know how long your friend has been down but hopefully he has someone to love him. Many don't in there and I would think that would be foremost on peoples minds than judging someone who gives the gift of love to an inmate.

If was a officer I would feel kinda of uncomfortable dating a inmate.I can understand you cannot help who you fall in love with,but I think you have to use your head as well and try not to fall in love so easily.my sister was a corrections officer and she talked about how the guys were so sweet and say sweet things.of course some are going to say sweet things because they really have nobody to show them any love once they get in prison.but when they get out from what I hear the story is all together different.did you ever consider that this is only going to last in the prison.what about when he gets out.remember now he been in prison for some time,so more then likely he is going to want to see what else is out there.you been around the inmate all that time of course their going to want some loving because you are all they see.but what about when they get out and see all these other women.what then.that is what I question.

You have a right to your opinion, but you have to remember that all relationships are different, it is easy to say what you wouldnt do if you have never been in the situation. Even though it doesnt matter, my husband has had his families support the whole time he has been locked up, so he is far from just needing love, You also need to remember you dont know any of our men so you cant just say what they will most likely do once they come home. And since you are not in our relationship you really cant question them, that is up to us to qustion and I know for myself I have never questioned it and never will.
Thank you have a blessed day

My man is not in prison.I have a friend in prison.if I offended you sorry but I like to speak my mind.Im just stating what I was told by a ex-corrections officer herself who worked around some of the guys.also watching Judge Mathis show he even mentioned that.I can see if you already was in a relationship with the person before they were in prison.I can understand that.but you are officer and going after a inmate does not look cute.my opinion.sorry if you nobody likes.

There you go again, making assumptions, how do you know how our relationships started, there is nothing wrong with speaking your mind, but you should at least know something about the subject you are speaking on. Try to get the facts first, maybe ask some question, get an understanding first.

If was a officer I would feel kinda of uncomfortable dating a inmate.I can understand you cannot help who you fall in love with,but I think you have to use your head as well and try not to fall in love so easily.my sister was a corrections officer and she talked about how the guys were so sweet and say sweet things.of course some are going to say sweet things because they really have nobody to show them any love once they get in prison.but when they get out from what I hear the story is all together different.did you ever consider that this is only going to last in the prison.what about when he gets out.remember now he been in prison for some time,so more then likely he is going to want to see what else is out there.you been around the inmate all that time of course their going to want some loving because you are all they see.but what about when they get out and see all these other women.what then.that is what I question.

Of course there are inmates who tell officers what ever they want to hear, trying to get something, there is a large number of those, i can say with absolute certainty, that every ex CO was approached by at least 1 inmate trying that. From reading a lot of posts here, I believe that the majority of the ex co's are like me, never dreamed they would fall for an inmate, always did there jobs, and didn't get sweet talked into somethin, and didn't go looking for a man on the job. And it is quite clear from some of the comments you have made that you have absolutely no clue what life is like in prison, or what its like to work on the inside. Which that is not your fault, but I believe the ex officers here can vouch for the fact that, if u work in the system long enough, you are enough convicts long enough, you know, who's real, and who is blowing smoke. The officers that get caught up with the sweet talkers, and not those of us who have something real. And I firmly believe the ladies on this board weren't taken for a ride, but found something real. Also you have to think about this, if you were around hundreds of men everyday, do you really think that if you got to know them that it's not such a giant leap that you would in fact fall for one of them. Because when you work with these men, you do get to know them, it IS part of the job. I think that is a fact that people fail to realize when talking trash about us finding love inside. I would like to challenge anyone to be around the same men, day in and day out, over a period of time, and never feel anything. But I can honestly say that over 5 years i met only 1 inmate out of over a thousand that I even trusted enough to talk about being together, can you say the same of your free world experiences?

Just one more thing, what you saw on judge mathis?? come on are you kidding me with this? you really really have NO clue what its like on the inside.

Judge not lest ye be judged.

Too funny...I was going to bring up the Judge Mathis thing. Watching the TV court shows is kind of like watching Jerry Springer...very entertaining, but not everything you see is true...a lot is just for ratings. Imagine.

Having worked in corrections myself for many years, I fail to see what possible business it is of your former colleagues. If you were sexually involved with an inmate while you worked there or, God forbid, brought stuff into the institution for him I might see their concern. But that was not the case. Ignore them. They're ignorant people who really need to get a life of their own and leave yours alone. Good for you for having the gutts to grab a bit of love when it was offerred to you. I just wish I had had the nerve to do it when I had the opportunity.

I worked in corrections for about 2 years; not as a CO but in the mental health dept as a teacher. I swore that I would never ever fall for an inmate. From day one employees of the DOC have it pounded into their heads that you never believe a word an inmate says, that their main goal is to play whomever they can, and that those that do fall for an inmate should be tarred and feathered or at least hung at high noon. I will admit that I believed what I was told and tried really hard to treat each and every inmate that I came into contact with in a very professional manner while keeping my bs meter turned on high. I even doubted that I would ever fall in love with a free world man because I was becoming so suspicious of everything anyone said to me. However, this all changed rather quickly when I met the love of my life. Mind you I wasn't looking for love and fought my feelings every step of the way. But, I knew the moment I looked into Jason's eyes that we were meant to be together. He and I both were scared and cautious but felt the risks were worth it. Unfortunately I didn't quit the second I knew I was in love with him and to make a long story short I was investigated by IA and subsequently fired for having an inapprorpiate romantic relationship with an inmate. We never had sex nor did he ever ask me to bring him anything. We wrote letters and talked on the phone 2 times. I wish I had quit the day I knew I loved him but I can't change the past. Now I am dealing with the consequences, but I would not change having met Jason for all the money in the world. I love that man with all of my heart and I feel he loves me the same. I hate the judgemental attitudes I have encountered since all this has happened but I can't control what others think or feel about me so I don't worry myself with their small mindedness. I just thank God everyday for leading me to my soul mate. There are so many things worse than being an inmate; can any of us honestly say that we have never done something that could have landed us in the same situation? There but for the grace of God go I.

"Jason" Our stories are similar except I worked in Medical. Are you able to visit? Some former employees are, some are not. I haven't learned the meaning to GDC's madness yet nor will I ever--except it is political and corrupt. I never thought I would have fallen in love either because of the same "they are the enemy" mentality we were "taught". However, I have a diamond in the rough and I love him. This is a tough life, but our love is even stronger for it. PM me anytime.

I haven't told this story because, frankly, I didn't know who to tell. I was doing a bullet at CSATF/CSP. Robert D. Junior was there and the program was still new. I met a friend, Darren Lynn, and things metaphysical seemed to happen. I met the correctional officers and didn't have a problem with them for the most part. But what took place there is an experience I woudn't trade for the world. Let me tell you a little about it.

When I got locked up my Aunt said it wasn't a punishment, God just wanted to keep me safe. I wasn't associating with the most stable people in the world.

Lynn read the "Ruins" which are like scandinavian tarot. He was acturate and not everything he "saw" was flattering to the other inmates so Lynn had a leg up on most.

After a shower, the day I got there, I was walking down the stairs and caught a glance at the female correctional officer. She noticed me and did a double take. Not that I'm all that, I'm 52, but in good shape. It was an attraction that more than noticeable. I was paranoid and she didn't waver from her prodicall. I don't want to go into detail but she would not give me favorable treatment other being a decent human being. I never asked anything of her against the rules out of respect for her and her job.

Darren Lynn was good at communicating with people. We were at a drug intervention program where the inmates participated. (Funny, but I have no history of drugs or alcohol) Darren's talent was appreciated by Waldenhouse (who managed the program on "F" yard) there was discussions about future employment for him. All three of us had a mutual respect for each other.

I told her if Aphroditi and Hermes had a daughter she would be a beautiful messenger of love? (I said this so she would know it's really me) I would like to see both of them again but don't know how to go about it. To contact her or write her to find Lynn I need her personal work number to send the correspondence. I'm law abiding and haven't been in trouble since and it was my first offense. (which even makes it stranger) I have no doubt there is somthing extremely special here. If some knows her or Darren please let me know or ask her if it's ok. My e-mail is ohyaits@hotmail.com This is probably frowned on but so what. I'm not proposing anything wrong and I'm not some weirdo looking for revenge. Ask her?

As far as the topic. When a person is locked up, under stress, clean and sober, for the first time in a long time, they get more in touch with the good part of them and it surprises them. The officers get to see a side of them that is genuine and sincere. It's from the heart. They know who the "good" people are. The only risk is when the "good" inmate is realeased and gets back into drugs, etc., it brings all the asshole out of them and anybody who uses them!

I guess this is the best place to start. I was an inmate at CSATF/CSP doing a bullet on a violation. I can't say anything happened but I truly fell for a female correctional officer named Allison Cook (Miss Cook). It was remarkable. The feeling was mutual I'm sure. It wasn't a physical, getty kind of thing but a soul connection. I could even tell you if she came to work that day by the way I felt when I woke up. I say this, she is someone I'd trust my back with and I never touched her Or said anything improper. (well, I had a friend that knew I liked her. He was on-the-leg, if you will. If I said something to him she would find out.) I also had the most amazing friendship with another inmate named Darren Lynn. Darren Lynn was my Mer-lynn and Miss Cook was the lady Gwen. I remember the second time I talked with her in passing( lynn and I were allowed to use a small office to quietly discuss things imortant to us.) I was outside smoking. She strolled in my direction and said, "Does Lynn tell you what to think?" I said, "No. He only affirms what I already know." The little conversation was in reference to how I felt about her. When I first got there I was talking to Lynn and happen to mention I didn't get my property that day and it would be all weekend before I could get it. She was sitting close enough to hear I guess. One minute later I heard my name called over the loud speaker to come get my property. That was the kind of thing she would help with. Never anything improper. Her job was her career, her security. I could look at her and she knew what I was thinking. It was a once in a lifetime meeting, and If I could, I'd love to speak with her. I'm off parole, I was a first time offender, and I haven't been in trouble since. No Drugs or alcohol.
Lynn's father lived in Alaska, on King Salmon Island, and Darren was very good at communicating. Walden house was considering employing him.
I was put in prison based on an accident. Fine. I did the time.
Meeting Allison Cook and Darren Lynn was one of the highlights of my life. I wouldn't take back one instant and I have no regrets going to prison. I do it again to see them again. After all, I met my queen and my Mer-Lynn there. The last thing I said to her was, "If Aphrodite, the god of love, and Mecury, the messenger of the gods, had a child she would be a beautiful messenger of love. The place is magic! Oh, by the way, the little office was bugged and she could hear everything we said. She knew how I felt when she walked out and spoke to me. If anyone has any thoughts on how to find her....and him.....

I've never worked for the system, but I just copped this e-book about this ex CO who met her husband in prison, and so far, so good. It's basically some love letters you're reading that she got from him. Here is the link if anybody's interested. It's only about 15-20 pages. Love From Lockdown Vol, I: The Prisoner's CO (http://www.myspace.com/lockdownlove)

mrsalmondjoy, that is some good reading. I enjoyed it, very sweet.

My man has had three flings since he's been in, one with a CO and two with counselor/social workers. One he actually cared about, and knows where she is now. I am thankful that he was able to experience some sex, since I wasn't there to give it to him, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't envious of those women.

I worked for the prison for over a year before I quit because I had fallen in love with Michael. I was considered to be a soft boss, meaning I was not riding their asses twenty four seven. Mostly as long as you didn't kill me or get me hurt I was okay with you doing what you wanted. There were other officers that I worked with that wouldn't even allow the guys to play chess in the same bunk. Because I was a woman I was told that I was not allowed to have any conversation with the offenders. Whenever I did they always thought it was "dirty" talk. Yeah there was a whole lot of guys trying to sweet talk to me but you can see through the bs. There was also people just wanting a chance to talk to someone.
Not every offender is trying to play a con game. After you spend time on the inside you know which ones are the ones running game and which ones just are nice and just want to talk even about their families. I have had many offenders come up and show me pictures of their wifes and kids. They miss them as much as their families miss them. Well because I was liked by many of the guys ( and not like that) Of course I had trouble with the other officers. Mainly the gung hoe ones that think the only thing you need to do is make an inmates life hell. My supervisor was one of these thinking officers. Of course rumors got started that I was having an inappropriate relastionship with an offender. More than likley started by my very own supervisor. I was put under investagation nothing came of it. My supervisor and his little friend ( another officer) took to watching me in my dorms from the windows outside. I had guys coming to tell me that I was being watched. It was crazy! Well at the time nothing was going on with me and anyone. I was just a nice person and I never thought to think that I would fall for anyone that was locked up.
Michael was very different right from the start. I'm not even sure how it started but I'm pretty sure that he approached me first. He was up at my desk one night talking to me and we looked into each other's eyes and you could almost hear the "click" of our connection. I have never felt anything like that with another person. We both talked about our feelings and I told him about my marriage. ( Yes I'm married at the present time). A few weeks went by and we continued talking well that's when we both knew that we had feelings for the other. We both agreed that I needed to quit before we both got into serious trouble. I remember him joking saying that he would go to jail ( meaning solitary confinement) and I would get fired but at least our relationship wouldn't have to be kept a secret. ;) I quit and the next day I wrote to him and we have been writing ever since. Granted it hasn't been that long we have been together since November 11th 06. He never asked anything of me while I was working there or since I stopped working there. His only hidden agenda was three things! One to make me happy, Two to do anything for me, Three to make me fall in love with him. he told me this on the 11th of November. That night was the best and will remain in my memory forever.:D

I know exactly where you are coming from. I worked at a detention center in a little bitty hick town in the middle of nowhere. I was always nice to everyone. It didn't matter to me that they were inmates. I treated them the same way I did the C/O's. You are right about them just wanting to have someone to talk to. I was never disrespected by any of the inmates. I think that was because I always respected them and treated them just like any other person. I did meet someone while I was working there. At first I told him that he needed to forget about me because it would never work. Well, that was the wrong thing to say to him!! He is the most determined man I have ever met. I knew from the first moment that I saw him that something was going to happen between us. I fought it for a long time, but finally gave in. I knew him for almost two years before he approached me one day and like you said it just clicked. He was a trustee and worked beside me everyday. We were always together, so naturally people assumed something was going on between us long before it was. We kept it a secret for about five months. It really wasn't a secret, they just never were able to catch us doing anything wrong. You would not believe the rumors that were started about me. It was horrible. But I was lucky and found another job before things really got out of hand. Once I was gone they continued to make things hard on him. They would not let us talk on the phone so I got him a cell phone. I know this was wrong, but it was my only way to communicate with him. I couldn't even write him a letter. About 3 months later during a randon shake down he had the phone in his pocket. So, he handed it to the Lt. on duty. They put him in the hole for about 10 days before they shipped him to another facility. They thought things would be hard on him, but he's actually doing better. We don't have to keep our relationship a secret anymore. I'm able to visit him and he call's me almost every night. It's like a huge burden has been lifted off my shoulders. Yes, I know he's an inmate, but he's also a man. A very wonderful man who made mistakes in his past and is paying the price. He will get out in about 13 months. He has been able to get a job through work release and sends him money home to me to save so that we will be able to find a place together when he gets out. I have 2 daughters who are in college and they have no problem with our relationship. They send him cards and letters and go visit him. My parents know about our situation and don't care as long as he is good to me and makes me happy!!

Hello, I am an ex c/o. We fell in love at the prison but nothing happened till I left. We are still together even though they put him in the hole, messed with our mail, and sliced my tires. That was almost two years ago. They still won't let us visit. We are very much in love and holding tight. He is up for parole in 2007 so we are hopeful that he will be able to come home then. For those that are curious I didn't get the job to find love. I was already planning to quit because of the crap I saw. I only held on as long as I did because I knew I wouldn't be allowed to see him once I quit. I was in a position to talk with him everyday. I miss that very much.

Since I was one of the first to post in this thread I wanted to update anyone who was interested. Raven and I have finally been approved to marry and have a date of December 29, 2006. I have been told I can arrive at 8:00 am and visit till the end at 3:30 pm. Everything we have been through is worth it to reach this day. All of you who met your man while inside hang in there and keep loving them. Eventually it will come around to going your way.

Now you know what I am about to say about visiting until 3:30
SHUT-UP !!!!
do you think you can stand to visit that long????? Hmmmm, i sure hope so!! hahaha!!!!!
Girl you know how excited I am for you both!!!! And me and my crew will be anxiously awaiting you to get back with all the details and to celebrate!!! Woohoo!!!!!

Congrats Raven, I know its been a long time comming. So enjoy your visit and have fun.

Congratulations!!! I would die for a visit that long! I hope everything works out for the two of you.

Congratulations Raven if anyone deserves it you do. Enjoy ur visit it has been a long time coming.

Congrat girl, you know faith in God moves mountains. There are alot of people who talk down on the people who have married men that are incarcerated. When the truth is love has no limit. I love my husband and we have been married for 8 years. There is nothing that man could do that seperate us. I'm just curious on something you said Raven. You said, "Approval to get married". I just want to know why? you had to get a approval? Anyway, hang in there and remember there will be some bad days but, focus on building a solid foundation. Don't allow anybody to make you and your husband to have problems. I love my husband and i wish yall the best of luck.

Harold's wifey

Thanks everyone. In Ohio you have to request approval from the warden to get married. Considering how we met it was not a given that he would approve. We are very excited.

Yeahhh Ravenslove :-) Congratulations, I KNOW how happy and excited you are!!!!!!! Blessings to you and your love!!!!

I'm glad to see I'm not the only one who fell in love while working as a co. Once my superiors found out about our realtionship, they sent him to another facility and I resigned. They gave him a class A write up, locked him down and are still messing with our mail. Let's face it-- ALL of us have made mistakes, they just happened to get caught. I love my baby and will be right here waiting on him when he gets out. Any advice on getting around the mail situation? Visitations are not going to happen either-- I've tried!

It was amazing, There was no problem getting in. I was holding my breath praying that they would just let me in and they did. I sat down, looking forward to seeing him walk out. But I had to go to the bathroom so I had the officer let me in, I was in less then 5 minutes. When I came out there he was. My heart stopped he is as beautiful as I remembered. He got up and we had our first kiss in 2 1/2 years. If only time could has stood still.(never thought I would say that) We kissed until one of the c/o's coughed in our direction. We both laughed and sat down. We held hands and just looked at each other. I just couldn't stop looking at him. We sat and talked, laughed and just stared at each other. I was there at 8 am, Monster girl and her mommy showed up and we all had an enjoyable time. You can tell alot about a man by how they deal with children. Monster girl and Raven had so much fun. The Reverand showed up at 11:30 am. He sat with us and talked while we waited for the Chaplain. The actual service was at high noon. The Reverand made a beautiful ceremony, making both of us feel special. It was like he actually knew us. He even added the Apache blessing at the end. It was as close to perfect as it could be considering the location. I am officially married and it was worth all the crap we had to go through. Thank you all for your good wishes.

Love to you all Ravenslove

Congrats to you both, I am so happy for yall!!!

That is so great Raven. I am so happy for u. My 24 months will be up this week andi am keeping my fingers crossed on being able to visit my husband. i have not seen him in 2 1/2 years now. Here's to keeping the good luck going.......

Congrats Raven..I am so happy for you..

Yes, Yeahhhhhhh Ravenslove, I am soooo HAPPY for you and him!!!
Congratulations!!!!!!!!!!! I KNOW how you felt that moment you saw him
:-))))))))))))))) I have been praying for you since I first came here to PTO.

Hello everyone! I just joined today and there is so much information on this site and everyone gets along so well. I met my soon to be husband while I was working in the system. I was an officer on lock-up (M-Con) and the officers do get treated pretty badly there but then again you have so many officers that go in all gung ho and they make it hard for the ones of us that do care. Anyhow, as I was saying, I met my soon to be almost a year ago and I just recently resigned. I know they won't allow me to see him while he's at this location but he will be making a few trips for a court case and I will be able to visit him that way. I also went from seeing him everyday to not seeing him at all but I get a letter every single day that the mail runs and that eases that pain of missing him greatly. He's still got about three years to go and we'll be tying the knot as soon as we get all the information on it and as soon as it can happen. Thanks to you all for this site and the wonderful informative posts!

I will make my 'difference' my way, according to the rules and the law. It does not include, nor never will, establishing a relationship with an inmate. Treating them as human is one thing...a relationship is another. This is my way...Others, will see fit to do it their way. We all have our own morals and boundaries. Maybe mine are just a little more set in stone than others. Others are more comfortable with wavering than I am. Such is life. To each their own.

Let me just add...as mere humans, we can interpret the teachings of the bible however we see fit. For me, that does not include justifying my transgressions (whatever they may be) as anything other than human weakness. People can use "God's plan" to justify any actions...IMO.

30Flat--I just want to say that no one is above becoming involved with an offender if you are working with them on a day to day basis. I may be involved with an offender and was busted for it but I could have given IA enough information to terminate half of their security staff and 90 percent of the medical staff. Contraband...relationships...you name it...half the people you enter the facility with every day are bringing in contraband, relating with the offenders, looking the other way when someone else is taking care of their business, etc. etc. And for the most part the people who are working with you have no more integrity than most of the prisoners. Now if you have done some time in the prison you already know all that. Never say never...............
Robin

I realize there are dirty officers in every unit. I disagree with your 90 percent though. I, however, am not one to turn the other way/bring anything in/or have a relationship....that is just me. To each their own. If I know someone is a dirty officer, then I will turn them in. No ifs, ands, or buts about it. They put me (and those I care about) in jeopardy. There is enough to worry about just being in that enviroment...without having to have extra to worry about.

30flat, I have just one question for you...does that mean that you are calling every officer or other employee on this thread who said they fell in love with an inmate "DIRTY"???

I totally agree with you on this! I became involved with an inmate. The extent of our relationship involved writing letters. We never put anyone in danger. We never hurt anyone! I know a lot of officers like to use the excuse that our relationship could jeopardize the security of the institituion, however, does anyone ever stop and consider that our relationships may just have some redemptive qualities for the inmate??? Not everyone that becomes involved with an inmate should automatically be assumed "Dirty." Integrity involves a whole lot more than just following post orders!!! Never forget that we are all just human and all of us, even offenders, have feelings. If you have ever been locked up you know that your emotions aren't checked at the door, you are still very much human and adapting to your surroundings is hard enough. A task often made more difficult than necessary by those power tripping gung-ho "upstanding" officers.


30Flat--I just want to say that no one is above becoming involved with an offender if you are working with them on a day to day basis. I may be involved with an offender and was busted for it but I could have given IA enough information to terminate half of their security staff and 90 percent of the medical staff. Contraband...relationships...you name it...half the people you enter the facility with every day are bringing in contraband, relating with the offenders, looking the other way when someone else is taking care of their business, etc. etc. And for the most part the people who are working with you have no more integrity than most of the prisoners. Now if you have done some time in the prison you already know all that. Never say never...............
Robin

The decision is official my husband and I are not allowed to visit. Thats it. They may reconsider it in 6 months. The only thing he kept saying is it was because of the way we met. I asked him what will change in 6 months. We will still have met in prison. Raven comes up for parole in March and if he gets it out in June. We can only pray that he comes home.

I'm so sorry for the both of you !!! But at least the two of you don't have that much time left...

If he gets parole. My husband has a 40 year tail.

The decision is official my husband and I are not allowed to visit. Thats it. They may reconsider it in 6 months. The only thing he kept saying is it was because of the way we met. I asked him what will change in 6 months. We will still have met in prison. Raven comes up for parole in March and if he gets it out in June. We can only pray that he comes home.

I have been going thought this thread and didn't think I would put in anything but after reading this I want to tell you I will pray that when they reconsider they will let you visit...
I think it stinks they would let you get married then like a slap in the face say no to visits! btw Congrats on the wedding!

I applied to be a CO here because they are screaming for them here, but when they found out that I visit at a prison the Sgt. that did the first interview said "We aren't going to hire you because you could find another FRIEND in a prison you might be working in and we can't have that;) if you get my meaning!" Oh yes I got her meaning... like I was out trolling for inmates...:angry: I wasn't even applying at the prison he was in nor would I do that. (I could just see him the first time I was called a "She it eatter") you know the thing is a female Sgt at the prison I visit told me to go and put in for it cause it wouldn't make any difference as long as I was up front with it.. But then I did get the last word on that little lady our new Sec. doesn't like bad press so I let him know what happened..... lets just say that Sgt is now going though some extra training on dealing with what should be said and shouldn't be said to applicants when they are in her office.

I want to say I respect you ladies for the job that you did inside there and for treating the guys like they were human beings. Prison is the punishment not a place to be punished more.... I know some CO's that I would not walk on the same side of the street with and others I would go out of my way for... but then I treat all people as people no matter what they do for a living I show you respect till you show me you are not worth my effort to do so... I have found that shocks most people inside, on eather side of the fince when they first interact with me... I know it shocked George when I first started writing him..

Raven I know it sucks. I am still trying to go see my husband. Good luck with maybe getting them to change their mind. Hey, at least you got to spend one wonderful day with him (when you were married) that you didn't have to wonder who was around. I hope soon all of us will get to visit our loved ones.

I am currently a CO, & have been for close eight years. I started my career in 1999, & a female, who I was aquainted with was incarcerated in the facility where I worked. I am a christian, & she comes from a respectful local family. She would always seek me out to talk with her about her addiction to drugs. During the course of her coming & leaving jail a few times we had many good serious talks. She was always very receptive & responsive. Our relationship was always on a professional level. She was sent down the road to a DOC Facility, but returned about a year later to where I worked, for she had a court appearance to go to. While at my facility we had a chance to talk, & I was impressed with her positive changes & attitude. We exchanged addresses & communicated after that on a regular basis, & I told her if anything is found out about our communication for her to tell the truth, for we have done no wrong & there is nothing to be ashamed about. Well, one night I had just got home from work & she called stating she had been called in that day by their investigator & questioned as to who I am & where do I work. And she said the investigator was, of course, attempting to make it into a sexual incident. When she was asked if I had ever given her anything, she answewed and said, the only thing that I had given her was encouragemrnt. inspiration, & bible verses to read. She said he didn't know how to respond to that. Well, the next day I was called in for an interview, & suspended without pay pending a complete investigation. The investigation lasted about four weeks, & finally I was called in & advised I had been put back on the payroll & being paid for the time off due to the suspension, with no consequences, for they could find no wrongdoing on either of us. I was told they didn't care if I communicated with her, & I have on a regular basis & have even been to visit her a few times. She supported me 100%. This drew us much closer together. She will be up for parole in July 2007. Upon her release we plan to team up & go into the ministry together. She is a real treasure. Matter of fact her uncle is pastor of the church I attend, so our church has adopted her & we support her financially & spiritually. She is a beautiful woman, & so intelligent. I could always see such potential this lady has. Wow, when we began those talks in 1999 neither of us had no idea our relationship would be what it is today. God is certainly awesome the way he brings people together. I am no longer at that facility, but retired in April 2006, & went to another facility just over the state line that pays more money & better benefits. Yes, our God is good..........

Awww, Ravenslove that's so sweet!! Although I'm not an ex-co, I do work in law enforcement and met my love on my job. My baby has finally been transferred only an hour away from my house after many phone calls to the counselor and DOC. He was in a transitional center in a work program until someone told on us for "talking", he was sent back to prison for 8 months until his recent transfer. I've always been able to visit with him, but the 4 1/2 hour drive made it somewhat difficult. Your story just really touched my heart, because we have been planning to be married. Was puttin it off til he was transferred, so now IT'S ON!! Congrats to you and your love!!!

It was amazing, There was no problem getting in. I was holding my breath praying that they would just let me in and they did. I sat down, looking forward to seeing him walk out. But I had to go to the bathroom so I had the officer let me in, I was in less then 5 minutes. When I came out there he was. My heart stopped he is as beautiful as I remembered. He got up and we had our first kiss in 2 1/2 years. If only time could has stood still.(never thought I would say that) We kissed until one of the c/o's coughed in our direction. We both laughed and sat down. We held hands and just looked at each other. I just couldn't stop looking at him. We sat and talked, laughed and just stared at each other. I was there at 8 am, Monster girl and her mommy showed up and we all had an enjoyable time. You can tell alot about a man by how they deal with children. Monster girl and Raven had so much fun. The Reverand showed up at 11:30 am. He sat with us and talked while we waited for the Chaplain. The actual service was at high noon. The Reverand made a beautiful ceremony, making both of us feel special. It was like he actually knew us. He even added the Apache blessing at the end. It was as close to perfect as it could be considering the location. I am officially married and it was worth all the crap we had to go through. Thank you all for your good wishes.

Love to you all Ravenslove

Well I read all the stories, and I can say i am kinda happy for you guys, but then again, now I have to worry about my guy finding someone. That never crossed my mind until now.....mixed emotions here....but i guess if he loves me like he says then I need not worry ...Right....honey19487
p.s. anyone heard anything about gov. perrys early release ,90 days,????

I fell in love with my man in one state and became a CO in another. I was told to keep our relationship a secret, but I was honest right from the beginning application process. As any other CO I built relationships with inmates, but I Never crossed the line!! I fully believe I was judged by co workers and piers based on my relationship with an inmate in another state. It was one of the biggest struggles of my life; knowing that I needed to maintain that relationship as a manager of inmates, but also knowing and experiencing life as the lover of an inmate. It was almost as if I lived a double life. In the systems eyes it is the belief of many that inmates are not to be treated humanely, and that they are simply animals. To stand by and watch that treatment of certain inmates really upset me and continues to haunt me when I think of my loves life as an inmate.

Honey19487, be happy for yourself and your love. I posted a New thread titled "MWI Only I need your thoughts". If you haven't read that one yet, please do so. I had the same feelings "what if he finds someone else". The support I received from this post was overwhelming and helped me so much. You and your love must have open & honest communications between you. Follow your heart and trust him until he gives you a reason not to. Good Luck!!

Well I read all the stories, and I can say i am kinda happy for you guys, but then again, now I have to worry about my guy finding someone. That never crossed my mind until now.....mixed emotions here....but i guess if he loves me like he says then I need not worry ...Right....honey19487
p.s. anyone heard anything about gov. perrys early release ,90 days,????

I applaud you, your honesty, & your integrity. I have been a CO for nearly eight years, & yes, so many CO's seem to thrive on being A HOLES, please pardon the expression, but I've found it so true. I've worked in two different facilities & it's the same. When some people get that badge, well, I don't know where their head goes. I've always believed, & still do, that a little kindness goes a long way. Kindness is NOT a weakness. My baby, my sunshine. my special, precious treasure, & the LOVE OF MY LIFE is incarcerated & I'm not one bit ashamed of her. In my eyes she is the most beautiful woman in the world. I miss her & love her so much. It been over a week since I've heard from her. She called last tuesday, 2/13, & all I heard was a loud hiss on her end. Probably their phones are out once again, But even as a CO, for I know what goes on behind those walls, I get concerned when I don't hear from my angel of sunshine. God Bless You All.

I applaud you, your honesty, & your integrity. I have been a CO for nearly eight years, & yes, so many CO's seem to thrive on being A HOLES, please pardon the expression, but I've found it so true. I've worked in two different facilities & it's the same. When some people get that badge, well, I don't know where their head goes. I've always believed, & still do, that a little kindness goes a long way. Kindness is NOT a weakness. My baby, my sunshine. my special, precious treasure, & the LOVE OF MY LIFE is incarcerated & I'm not one bit ashamed of her. In my eyes she is the most beautiful woman in the world. I miss her & love her so much. It been over a week since I've heard from her. She called last tuesday, 2/13, & all I heard was a loud hiss on her end. Probably their phones are out once again, But even as a CO, for I know what goes on behind those walls, I get concerned when I don't hear from my angel of sunshine. God Bless You All.

What a beautiful story that sounds like it's only just begining. You have helped to better a life and God is smiling down on you:) . Good luck and blessings to you both.

I wasn't a CO, I worked in the medical dept. of the county jail when Deon and I got involved...........he transferred out to another county 3 months after we started contact, then 8 months later I was asked to resign for having contact with a "former inmate". Little did I know it was a blessing in diguise. (Thanks PTO for shining light when a dark cloud hovered over head??) Three days later I found another job enabling me to have weekends and all holidays off, as well only 3 miles from my home!

It's been 2 years and 2 months and Deon and I have been married almost 9 months!!!!

Wow, did you ever get lucky!!!

I think it was meant to happen! I mentioned this thread to him in visitation today and we got into the discussion of when he knew he wanted to be a part of my life. He told me when we did the first walk through and he saw me he said to himself..I have to have her..then he just watched how I interacted with people and he found himself thinking about me 24/7 and he told himself when the opportunity presented itself, he was going to take a chance! Six months later our lives were changed forever!

That's wonderful! Pretty much the same here but I didn't get lucky like you with the good job and everything.

What a beautiful story that sounds like it's only just begining. You have helped to better a life and God is smiling down on you:) . Good luck and blessings to you both.

Thank you. Yes, it is only beginning, well, it actually began in 1999. She & I just didn't know & realize it then. Thanks to God, now we do. She is at Lakin Correctional Facility, West Columbia, WV. She is a real treasure. I love her, & will forever, for she is my SOUL MATE. While I was a CO, working where she was incarcerated, neither of us stepped over the line of being professional, & violated the rule of inappropriate behavior. She was always a true lady. I always respected her for that. Our God is always perfect in the way he brings two people together. Many people may not approve or understand our relationship, but that's OKAY. I am here for her & will be when she comes home. I wouldn't want it any other way. May God bless FIRST LADY for her commitment & loyalty. I know where she is, & where she has been in her journey. Keep the faith.

For those of you who have read my posts, you know that I used to work for the DOC, have an ex there from the past & went to work at the county jail. I met a man there who has changed my life. He had been in before for minor charges and was just one of those laid back, easy going kind of guys who made my job infinatley easier. He went home, then came back about 6 months later for something, to this day, that I believe he should not be held accountable for. The last time that he was in, he wrote me several small notes, poems and such. Normally, those things go straight into the trash, but there was something about him that struck me as so genuine. I never crossed the line, never would have allowed him to get out of line with me (nor did he try). The day that he got out, he called me at work and asked if he could get my cell number because he really felt like I was somebody that he wanted in his life, said he respected how I carried myself in my job and handled certain situations that had occurred during his time there. We talked on the phone all night that night, which showed me alot because after having been locked up for almost 2 months, instead of running the streets and chilling with some female, he spent that whole night getting to know me. The next day, we agreed to spend some time together and have been together ever since. He is a lot different than the person that I perceived him to be in jail, but so am I. Yet at the heart of things, he's still that same genuine person that hooked me from the start because even after he left the first time, he was a thought that went through my mind more than a few times, something that had never happened to me before. We've been together for awhile now and I truly think that he is my future. He may have to go do a small bid soon for something he's been trying to get resolved for a while now, but he knows that I'm here and not going anywhere. He has changed my life and my outlook on a lot of things. I've since quit the jail for other reasons, and even though aren't truly happy with my new job, I know I'll find my place. I know that it can work if you love each other enough. I don't worry if he goes back in about finding somebody else because he knows that it'd never compare to what he has at home, just like when he's on the street. I've heard him tell females that from his mouth. I'm lucky to have found my soulmate and I wish each of you the same. We've been through hell and back, but we are stronger for it. Just believe that God knows what is best for us and listen to what he tells you is right for you. We've got a few things to work out, then we are planning to get married before the end of the summer. I will keep you updated. This site has been a Godsend in times and I thank everyone here for the support. Just know that it can work, no matter other's opinions, only you and God know your heart.

I met my guy while working as a CO in a private prison here in texas, I tried to deny how I felt but it was no use. When he was moved to another unit we started writing, but I still lost my job, which was ok because I had another lined up anyway. I never dreamed this is how I would meet "the one" God does everything for a reason. We would never have met if it hadnt of been for him being locked up and me working there because we come from two different worlds, Im country born and bred And he is city through and through. But we are only us when we are together, its amazing when I think of how I feel about him. I have had numerous relationships but never have I had someone make me feel the way he does. Thanks so much for this thread its nice to be able to talk to poeple who are going through the same things. The song that gets me to thinking hard about what we have is Here Without You by 3 Doors Down. I care so much and pray to God that everything works out the way it should.

I met my guy while working as a CO in a private prison here in texas, I tried to deny how I felt but it was no use. When he was moved to another unit we started writing, but I still lost my job, which was ok because I had another lined up anyway. I never dreamed this is how I would meet "the one" God does everything for a reason. We would never have met if it hadnt of been for him being locked up and me working there because we come from two different worlds, Im country born and bred And he is city through and through. But we are only us when we are together, its amazing when I think of how I feel about him. I have had numerous relationships but never have I had someone make me feel the way he does. Thanks so much for this thread its nice to be able to talk to poeple who are going through the same things. The song that gets me to thinking hard about what we have is Here Without You by 3 Doors Down. I care so much and pray to God that everything works out the way it should.

i'm an ex employee also. I quit my job because i fell HARD for my baby... now i got haters and apparently I am the main topic at the prison. Seeing as i turned a C.O. down for a date on V-day and 2 weeks later i left to pursue a relationship with an inmate!

I finally got to talk with my love today, Our love & devotion for one another gets stronger & better each & every day. It had been almost three weeks since hearing my angels sweet soft voice, & yes, her voice is sweet music to my ears. The phone system has been changed at Lakin & a new number had showed up on my caller ID a couple times. I normally don't answer calls unless I recognize the number. She called when I was working a few days ago, & I was able to hear the prerecorded message from her facility on my answering machine after getting home, so today when she called I knew it was her. GOD IS SO GOOD !!!!!

I am also an ex co, ours is a unique situation. He is 12 years older than me. This is the short version!
I knew him when i was 7, his neice was my best friend. I moved away, and lost contact with her. (he was a great uncle to her, took us to the movies, gave us candy and all kinds of stuff)
Anyway, as soon as i moved away he went to jail.
I lived my life for 16 years, with no clue he was in jail. Until fate led me to work where he was incarcerated. We instantly started talking, i worked there for a year, all the while our relationship blossomed. I eventually quit---never getting into trouble--no reason to. And we have been going strong for the past 3 years since i left. I am on his visiting list, and visit regularly
to all those who can't, i hope one day you can, and figure out how. good luck
much love

WOW it is so nice to be able to find people that have or are going through the same thing I am. I too am an ex-employee from DR&C, I didn't go there looking for love it just happened. He worked for me and the more time I spent with him the more I got to know him and found out that offenders are real people too. It was shoved down our necks that "these people" are terrible and a disgrace. I had to resign due to being placed under investigation. I miss being able to talk to the guys and jokin with them. I am able to talk to my guy after he was placed in the hole for 45 days. And I was recently approved for visitation. Can't wait to go. Yes there are many "haters" out there since we broke the "code of conduct" but I agree with what someone said above we are humans first, employees second. Stay strong people:thumbsup:We will make it!!!!

Wow Chrus2417 how lucky are you? Being approved for visitation already! If you don't mind my asking how long ago did you resign? I wish I could visit my fiance but unfortunately TN isn't as 'forgiving' as Ohio.
I am so envious of you! Good luck and enjoy your visits!

Ohio is definitely not forgiving I was investigated 3 years ago. Was allowed to get married after 2 1/2 years and am still not allowed to visit my husband.

Seems like some Ohio prisons are more "forgiving" than others. A friend of mine resigned due to being investigated. The inmate got a security increase and was sent to SOCF. At first SOCF denied visitation, but she was just approved for a "special visit" last month -- which was almost a year since she resigned. Needless to say, she jumped on that offer! :p I haven't talked to her for a few weeks, so I'm not sure if she's been approved as a regular visitor, yet, or when that might happen.

I too resigned for being investigated almost a year ago and I just applied for a special visit... Denied, which is no suprise really. I guess it just depends on which prison system you are dealing with. My fiance can't even add my phone number to his list so I guess I'll be waiting for a long time for any kind of visit. I just want to know how people that are able to visit, special or regular, do it! Any tips from those that have been allowed or know someone that has been allowed???

I too resigned for being investigated almost a year ago and I just applied for a special visit... Denied, which is no suprise really. I guess it just depends on which prison system you are dealing with. My fiance can't even add my phone number to his list so I guess I'll be waiting for a long time for any kind of visit. I just want to know how people that are able to visit, special or regular, do it! Any tips from those that have been allowed or know someone that has been allowed???

HOW DO YOU APPLY FOR A SPECIAL VISIT????
I have heard of these, but don't know how to do it!!!;)

Ohio has some info about visits on their website, so I would suggest that you check the DOC website for your state. If you can't find anything on there, then you might want to call the institution and talk with the officer in visiting, or with your loved one's case manager and ask them the procedure. It could be different in each state, and maybe even within each institution. We all know that there is very little consistency in the world of corrections! :rolleyes:

In TN the inmate gets the special visit app from their unit counselor. The inmate completes it and the counselor signs it and it is sent to the associate warden for approval or denial. You don't even have to be on their approved visitor's list to qualify either.

Jasonmymiracle- I resigned in Feb. 07 and was approved to visit May 07 but still waiting on some "formality" paperwork. Can't wait.

chrus2417- Wow!! Congrats! I am so envious. I hope they work out the "formality" soon. Enjoy your visits.
I am beginning to think Ohio is the state to be in.

I Was A Co For Going On A Year When Paul Got To The Prison Where I Worked. I Noticed Him Before Right Away Even Though He Was Not In My Dorm At The Time. But Eventualy I Started Working His Dorm. Now We Have Been Engaged Over A Year, I Love Him More And More Each Day. But I Am Really Relieved To See Im Not The Only One Who Chose Love Over A Job.

I was not a CO but did choose my love over my career ... and do not question my choice in doing so either ....

Hello to everyone in this thread I just wanted to pop in and let everyone know that while we never got visits, my husband is coming home August 8. Thanks for all your well wishes.

Hello to everyone in this thread I just wanted to pop in and let everyone know that while we never got visits, my husband is coming home August 8. Thanks for all your well wishes.

I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOO happy for you guys!! Congrads from the bottom of my heart..... I wish you two nothing but a lifetime of bliss!!

Hello to everyone in this thread I just wanted to pop in and let everyone know that while we never got visits, my husband is coming home August 8. Thanks for all your well wishes.

oh wow! congratulations!!! i am SO happy for you two...i know you've both waited long and hard for this time, and it came. what a blessing! congratulations ravens, and i mean it from the bottom of my heart.

HELLO, IM AN EX-OFFICER who found my husband right on the job, I was forced to quit it wasn't easy at first but it was worth it because this man is the man God has for me!!!! Im still with him

Hello to everyone in this thread I just wanted to pop in and let everyone know that while we never got visits, my husband is coming home August 8. Thanks for all your well wishes.

I am so very happy for you! You have been an inspiration for me since my guy and I are MWI too. Reading your posts have given me a lot of hope.
I wish you and your husband all the love and happiness in the world! Be sure to keep us updated :D

Hello to everyone in this thread I just wanted to pop in and let everyone know that while we never got visits, my husband is coming home August 8. Thanks for all your well wishes.


Congrats!!! I know you are happy. :thumbsup:

Thanks Mrs. Chris, Jason's and wills girl. It means a lot to have your good wishes.

That is great news girl!!!! I know you are ecstatic! You give all of us inspiration. Enjoy!

Ok so the new update is the New Warden at NCCI in Ohio approved our visitation. They approved me on the 26th and I went to visit on the 27th and my boss gave me off the 29th so I am visiting again. It was so wonderful to see him. The funny thing was I was sitting waiting for him to come in to visiting and thought. "If someone had told me 6 years ago I would be sitting in a prison waiting for my husband I would have told them to stop smoking crack. Then he walked in the door, made his way over to me and took me into his arms and all the crap over the 3 1/2 years melted away. This entire journey has made us stronger and more in love. IT WAS ALL WORTH IT.

awwww, ravenslove, that is soooooooo great that you got to see him! You are blessed girl! He will be home soon! Congrats!

Ok so the new update is the New Warden at NCCI in Ohio approved our visitation. They approved me on the 26th and I went to visit on the 27th and my boss gave me off the 29th so I am visiting again. It was so wonderful to see him. The funny thing was I was sitting waiting for him to come in to visiting and thought. "If someone had told me 6 years ago I would be sitting in a prison waiting for my husband I would have told them to stop smoking crack. Then he walked in the door, made his way over to me and took me into his arms and all the crap over the 3 1/2 years melted away. This entire journey has made us stronger and more in love. IT WAS ALL WORTH IT.

Congratulations to both of you! :clap:

You have been waiting patiently, trying to get visits for as long as I can remember and now HE IS COMING HOME!

Hi everyone...I'm new here. I'm so glad this poll was up. It's good to see that I'm not the only one out here. Anyways, I was not a CO but I worked in the medical department at his unit. He worked there too. I did not leave because of our situation, I left for personal reasons. Actually I moved to a whole other state! It's ok, because I won't be able to have had visitation with him for 2 years. We write, but his state doesn't allow phone calls....YET. So that's how we're making it work for now.

This thread is SO refreshing!
I was a fresh out of college counselor/case manager at a halfway house. My boyfriend was there long before I started. I will always remember the first day he approached me--I was working visitation outside the building and he just came and sat next to me. We talked for the LONGEST time! Soon after that, he wrote me letters, but that was the extent. People grew suspicious and started rumors as is typical in a setting like that. I was confronted on it once and told the truth that nothing was happening besides just talking. Well, he was released in Nov. of 2006 and about a few days later called me at work and wanted to catch up and what not that night. So, we met up and after spending a night of getting to know each other on a different level than we had, I knew he was the one for me.

I am not judging anyone who falls in love or the way in which they fall in love, but I have a hard time with anyone who mixes business with pleasure.

As a human service professional, (C.O.) there are some pretty clear cut rules of conduct as well as ethical codes that discuss having relationships with clients. (Inmates). This is the same rule that applies to therapists and patients. I don't know, but it is what it is, I guess. I'm a teacher, and if I "fell in love" with my clients, (students) not only would I be considered a sick F--k (and rightfully so) but I would be put in prison myself. If a therapist is discovered to have relations with a patient, the right to practice can be stripped. There are some pretty serious consequences that go hand in hand with some of the choices that we make and it seems to me that if a person might be tempted by the population in which they serve, then they might want to consider a different line of employment, or at least be serious about the ethical codes that they are agreeing to uphold when they take the job.

Still, I do know that sometimes things just happen and due to this fact, I can not judge for I can only imagine if I had been a C.O working in the building where my finance is housed.......well.......................

I don't begrudge anybody love, even if it's going to cost them. It's their decision to make. I was a Jail Liaison and when the men would try to approach me, I'd panick and not deal with him. One accountant told my co-workers he was in love with me. I would turn my badge around so that he wouldn't know my name but he would recite and call out my stats, name, institution (Health Dept) job title and all and i never spoke with him persay. he would implore me with stmts that he was not like the rest, he was in due to soe civil issue that would be proved wrong and all this was in hearing of the entire population. Yet, I would ignore him and eventually let another case manager handle that pod. I was married to a man I met in college, a christian. He was the worse drug abuser, violent, disrespectful and disgusting eventually. i should have took the chance Now, through som fluke, i havemet the greatest man I have known, I don't care what anybody thinks. I can't make them happy and me too. They wouldn't do it for me.

[Love is Blind]Ant's Girl,

When I say you in this post I am speaking to thos of us in this situation of having a loved one in prison. I try to remember that these are consenting adults and if everybody went by societies expected rules we wouldn't need prisons. Teacher and student,that is pedophilia and/or some other mess. Two adults will be able to decide to deal with theconsequencesof their actions. Sometimes you have to take the road less traveled. Nothing worth having is not worth fighting for, because true love is hard to find and even harder to keep.
It's the fear that your man may be tempted away from you that scares and angers you, so you want the CO to be held at a higher standard. Your man has already abandoned you beccauseof his behavior, so we should want our men to grow and make the intrinsically valuable choice. Which may mean we aren't what he needs or wants anyway. If he is weak per say, then he won't be able to stand up in the free world. Or he may just fall in love, no one should be with anyone because of obligation. It robs both parties.

The bottom line is sometimes our relatioships with these men are dysfunctioal and they go in, grow up and grow away from us. Loss hurts, but nobody should be denied their hearts desires if if involved true love. To hold someone back from recieving it, blocks your opportunity to recieve it as well.

The last thing is, he may very well love you and no one ccan replace you so there is no need to be scared. You'll know.[/quote]

If a man will cheat on the outside he will find a way to cheat on the inside. The same can be said for c/o's. If she'll try and steal a married man on the outside....

Most people have done something wrong "against the rules" at work.

On the other hand not everyone can say their love is worth giving up everything to have. Like ours was. Also that was our choice.

[Love is Blind]Ant's Girl,

When I say you in this post I am speaking to thos of us in this situation of having a loved one in prison. I try to remember that these are consenting adults and if everybody went by societies expected rules we wouldn't need prisons. Teacher and student,that is pedophilia and/or some other mess. Two adults will be able to decide to deal with theconsequencesof their actions. Sometimes you have to take the road less traveled. Nothing worth having is not worth fighting for, because true love is hard to find and even harder to keep.
It's the fear that your man may be tempted away from you that scares and angers you, so you want the CO to be held at a higher standard. Your man has already abandoned you beccauseof his behavior, so we should want our men to grow and make the intrinsically valuable choice. Which may mean we aren't what he needs or wants anyway. If he is weak per say, then he won't be able to stand up in the free world. Or he may just fall in love, no one should be with anyone because of obligation. It robs both parties.

The bottom line is sometimes our relatioships with these men are dysfunctioal and they go in, grow up and grow away from us. Loss hurts, but nobody should be denied their hearts desires if if involved true love. To hold someone back from recieving it, blocks your opportunity to recieve it as well.

The last thing is, he may very well love you and no one ccan replace you so there is no need to be scared. You'll know.[/quote]

you said it better than me! so nicely said, i feel like taking a deep breath and just *sighing* lol.

thanks nile...you said a mouthful :o

If a man will cheat on the outside he will find a way to cheat on the inside. The same can be said for c/o's. If she'll try and steal a married man on the outside....

Most people have done something wrong "against the rules" at work.

On the other hand not everyone can say their love is worth giving up everything to have. Like ours was. Also that was our choice.

very truly said, 100%.

i also agree with the bottom. not everyone can say they have a love that's worth losing ALOT of things for. like you and raven, it was OUR choice. not MY choice, not HIS choice. but OURS to let go of everything and love each other.

and 3 years later, we are still fighting, and still loving, and we will continue to long after this bid is over.

I am not judging anyone who falls in love or the way in which they fall in love, but I have a hard time with anyone who mixes business with pleasure.

As a human service professional, (C.O.) there are some pretty clear cut rules of conduct as well as ethical codes that discuss having relationships with clients. (Inmates). This is the same rule that applies to therapists and patients. I don't know, but it is what it is, I guess. I'm a teacher, and if I "fell in love" with my clients, (students) not only would I be considered a sick F--k (and rightfully so) but I would be put in prison myself. If a therapist is discovered to have relations with a patient, the right to practice can be stripped. There are some pretty serious consequences that go hand in hand with some of the choices that we make and it seems to me that if a person might be tempted by the population in which they serve, then they might want to consider a different line of employment, or at least be serious about the ethical codes that they are agreeing to uphold when they take the job.

Still, I do know that sometimes things just happen and due to this fact, I can not judge for I can only imagine if I had been a C.O working in the building where my finance is housed.......well.......................

as far as therapists who fall in love goes, it happens. as long as the therapist takes the PROPER measurements to leave the practice and as long as it is determined that the relationship is not detrimental to the client (or the therapist) by being forced or coerced, the therapist has the right to leave the practice and persue a relationship. there are steps that must be taken, and it is advised against, but if it happens, as long as it happens right, the APA cannot do anything to stop love.

much like corrections. as long as i quit my job or resign or get transferred (because not all staff get fired or quit), no one has the right to tell me i can't fall in love.


APA Code of Ethics (2007).

10.05 Sexual Intimacies With Current Therapy Clients/Patients
Psychologists do not engage in sexual intimacies with current therapy clients/patients.

10.08 Sexual Intimacies With Former Therapy Clients/Patients
(a) Psychologists do not engage in sexual intimacies with former clients/patients for at least two years after cessation or termination of therapy.
(b) Psychologists do not engage in sexual intimacies with former clients/patients even after a two-year interval except in the most unusual circumstances. Psychologists who engage in such activity after the two years following cessation or termination of therapy and of having no sexual contact with the former client/patient bear the burden of demonstrating that there has been no exploitation, in light of all relevant factors, including (1) the amount of time that has passed since therapy terminated; (2) the nature, duration, and intensity of the therapy; (3) the circumstances of termination; (4) the client's/patient's personal history; (5) the client's/patient's current mental status; (6) the likelihood of adverse impact on the client/patient; and (7) any statements or actions made by the therapist during the course of therapy suggesting or inviting the possibility of a posttermination sexual or romantic relationship with the client/patient. (See also Standard 3.05, Multiple Relationships (http://www.apa.org/ethics/code2002.html#3_05).)


now this applies to only current psychologists/psychiatrists. for the rest (those who aren't afraid to let it go for love), this doesn't even apply anymore. they can do what they want, when they want, and how they want, as they are no longer clients.

as far as teachers go...well if you're having sex with anyone under 18, uhm yeah...it's a problem.

Everyone defends their positions and feelings well and they are all respected. I did say that I was not in the position to judge and I also did say that had I worked where my boyfriend is housed......then I would not know how I would handle the situation.

Someone asked me the question about "fearing" that "my man" may be tempted away, and so it would be easier "to blame" a female C.O.-----

I can see your point, but no.

#1 I do not worry about the things that I can not control as what will be (or won't) will be and worrying does not change the outcome of a situation and so to worry is to spend unnecessary energy.

#2 If he would "stray" so easily, then it was never really mine, nor was it worth holding on to.

#3 Whoever made "the promise" in the relationship is who is held accountable in keeping that promise. I was married for 15 years and "lost" my husband to my "bestfriend" of 15 years. I held him accountable for he was the one that took the vow and he was the one who broke it.

#4 I do not worry about my current boyfriend

#5 I was not putting anyting on a female C.O., nor was I implying that the only men that "they go after" are men who are already involved. I'm sure that there are plent of men who are locked up without any outside connections and my feelings about crossing that line and acting unethical by engaging in a relationship with an inmate still stands regardless if that inmate is "taken" or "unattached."

MsChris- It goes without saying that the act of teachers sleeping with students is a problem..............I was only trying to prove a point. Just out of curiosity, how do do feel about a teacher sleeping with a student who is 18? Are your feelings still the same, or do they change due to the fact that the student is "of age?" The codes in which you pull are valid............but there are lost more.

Everyone defends their positions and feelings well and they are all respected. I did say that I was not in the position to judge and I also did say that had I worked where my boyfriend is housed......then I would not know how I would handle the situation. i should have come back to reedit my post because i totally thank you for your honesty...most people come hardbody at ex staff members who fell in love with inmates, but then don't put themselves in our shoes. i've gotten plenty a pm talking about, "oh mrschris i don't blame you if i was where my man was whoo hoo i would have gotten fired long ago" or "gee why'd you never do more with him than you did??!" and the list goes on, and what not and so forth and so on. so again, thanks for your honesty. and like i said, i should have said that earlier because it was how i was feeling.

Someone asked me the question about "fearing" that "my man" may be tempted away, and so it would be easier "to blame" a female C.O.-----

I can see your point, but no. that's just you...believe me...there's alot of insecurity roaming around these parts and i have no clue why--most of the men in prison i wouldn't have ever touched or would ever touch with a 100 yard pole, let alone a 50ft one.

#1 I do not worry about the things that I can not control as what will be (or won't) will be and worrying does not change the outcome of a situation and so to worry is to spend unnecessary energy. amen! now if only others would follow suit!

#2 If he would "stray" so easily, then it was never really mine, nor was it worth holding on to. amen! now if only others would follow suit!

#3 Whoever made "the promise" in the relationship is who is held accountable in keeping that promise. I was married for 15 years and "lost" my husband to my "bestfriend" of 15 years. I held him accountable for he was the one that took the vow and he was the one who broke it. amen! now if only others would follow suit!

#4 I do not worry about my current boyfriend amen! now if only others would follow suit!

#5 I was not putting anyting on a female C.O., nor was I implying that the only men that "they go after" are men who are already involved. I'm sure that there are plent of men who are locked up without any outside connections and my feelings about crossing that line and acting unethical by engaging in a relationship with an inmate still stands regardless if that inmate is "taken" or "unattached." acting unethical is just that. acting unethical. it's not the end of the world for most of us...we go on. because 99% of the men and women in prison acted unethical too...and yet we still love them. no one is going to sit around saying, 'woe is me, i acted unethical' for the rest of their lives, or at least i would hope not. i surely know i don't. heck, some days i wish i would have acted a bit MORE unethical than i did, because it's said, done, and over now. it's what you do AFTER you acted unethical that counts in my opinion. and as another poster said, most people act unethical every single day, at work, at home, the list goes on. you live and learn and move on. and after a while it gets tiring to hear "you acted unethical" from a hoard of people that admit to acting unethical every single day and loving people that act unethical every two seconds while behind bars. ha. not saying it's RIGHT to act unethical and NOT making excuses for the behavior...but it is what it is. :shrug:

MsChris- It goes without saying that the act of teachers sleeping with students is a problem..............I was only trying to prove a point. what point? Just out of curiosity, how do do feel about a teacher sleeping with a student who is 18? more than likely a teacher sleeping with an 18 year old is still an adult sleeping with an adult. as long as both consent, and the teacher faces the repercussions for his or her actions...what can i do about it? in college professors sleep with students ALOT. and most of them are young. would it make a huge difference in your mind if the student was say 40 and the teacher was 30? Are your feelings still the same, or do they change due to the fact that the student is "of age?" The codes in which you pull are valid............but there are lost more. the codes that i pulled are from the APA manual and they are the only codes on the subject that are standard under federal law...thus the only codes that stand for the field of psychology or psychiatry and they are the only codes that count (unless you consider AACC codes--which are also VERY similar). if it's not APA code it doesn't count in a court of law. and clearly the APA code states that after two years you are welcome to a relationship with an ex client, as long as you can meet specific factors and guidelines. nothing like a bit of proof to add to the pudding. if you can find more, by all means...do share.

bottom line is...as long as you bow out gracefully...no one can tell you who or who not to love. once you leave the job or profession, you have every right like everyone else to persue your relationship. if you get caught--well you face the consequences for those actions. and once the debt is paid...once again you have the same rights concerning love as anyone else.

Ms. Chris-

I agree with you. So long as you are no longer working while engaging in "extras" activites and leave that job prior to any majo involvement then it should not matter.

thanks antsgirl for your response and your HONEST consideration in the matter, it means alot. because let some people tell it, they would have BEEN fired had they gotten a job at their inmate's facilities. yet we aren't entitled to that same love?

it shouldn't matter, and it often doesn't, who we love, as long as we correct the situations we find ourselves in (which many of us do by quitting, being fired, etc. etc.). the only beef i have is coming to a support site and hearing it constantly droned in about how unethical ex staff are. most men in prison are the epitome of unethical, yet their families have the nerve to point a finger? and i don't need anyone coming at me telling ME what i did wrong. let me get judged on judgement day by Someone who has the room to talk about my imperfection, because He's the only Judge i'm listening to. not trying to hear it from someone who's just blasting all their insecurities on me and mine because they can't handle the idea that their man might be in there trying to get on an officers "good side" as they call it.

and then to attempt to come hardbody at some of us (ex staff) with all the disrespect in the world? after a while, it's like enough already.

and then we have our own thread just for us NOT to get bashed up, where like minded people can talk, and it still happens. what's up with that? especially since we're here for support (not saying you did it, but EVERY time a thread starts like this with positive intent, it either gets closed down or some really disrespectful things are said and it's crazy).

thanks antsgirl for your response and your HONEST consideration in the matter, it means alot. because let some people tell it, they would have BEEN fired had they gotten a job at their inmate's facilities. yet we aren't entitled to that same love?

it shouldn't matter, and it often doesn't, who we love, as long as we correct the situations we find ourselves in (which many of us do by quitting, being fired, etc. etc.). the only beef i have is coming to a support site and hearing it constantly droned in about how unethical ex staff are. most men in prison are the epitome of unethical, yet their families have the nerve to point a finger? and i don't need anyone coming at me telling ME what i did wrong. let me get judged on judgement day by Someone who has the room to talk about my imperfection, because He's the only Judge i'm listening to. not trying to hear it from someone who's just blasting all their insecurities on me and mine because they can't handle the idea that their man might be in there trying to get on an officers "good side" as they call it.

and then to attempt to come hardbody at some of us (ex staff) with all the disrespect in the world? after a while, it's like enough already.

and then we have our own thread just for us NOT to get bashed up, where like minded people can talk, and it still happens. what's up with that? especially since we're here for support (not saying you did it, but EVERY time a thread starts like this with positive intent, it either gets closed down or some really disrespectful things are said and it's crazy).

Thank You MrsChris--VERY well said!

I'm sorry if this is kinda "off-subject", but to add onto what you were saying, Ive been a counselor as well as a case manager in the prison system, so as someone these inmates could confide in and talked to on a daily basis, the LAST people to be pointing fingers are family members. Ive noticed 9 times out of 10 (speaking for inmates incarcerated in Alabama at least), the families disowned these men and women leaving them wanting to share the love they have built up inside for "x" amount of time with someone who cares about them, wants them to succeed/do better in life, and listens to what they have to say.

Thank You MrsChris--VERY well said!

I'm sorry if this is kinda "off-subject", but to add onto what you were saying, Ive been a counselor as well as a case manager in the prison system, so as someone these inmates could confide in and talked to on a daily basis, the LAST people to be pointing fingers are family members. Ive noticed 9 times out of 10 (speaking for inmates incarcerated in Alabama at least), the families disowned these men and women leaving them wanting to share the love they have built up inside for "x" amount of time with someone who cares about them, wants them to succeed/do better in life, and listens to what they have to say.

despite quitting or being fired, many ex staff were good workers and did their jobs the right way.
but no one wants to hear that part. all they hear is, "well you were UNETHICAL!" lmao...so sue me. if you ask a majority of people to use unethical in a sentence it's like the only sentence they know is, "well the officer was being unethical because she fell in love with an inmate."

like i always say, if the state i live in didn't sue me...then no one on my level with absolutely no authority other than the authority of their fingers hitting the keyboard is going to come regulating what me and mine have!

Ms. Chris-

Your points are respected and validated. I think that when I worte my initial post, that my mindset was more in the fram of "C.Os" and not "EX C.O.'s, which sheds a whole new light on everything. You are also right in that this site is primarily for support, and in no wawas I trying to bach anyone. We all have our thoughts and are entitled to them and should be able to voice our opinions, so long as we do so respectfully. I agree with all of your statements abouot love, as well as people who are "more guilty" of some things versus others. My ex has never paid a dime of child support since leaving and he even went two years without having contact with his kids. The kids and I struggle on a daily basis to meet our needs and obligations and had it not been for my parents stepping up to the plate after the divorce, I am unsure as to where we would be. He did that.................yet due to the fact that hge works and "has nice things, he is considered a "pillar of society."

Best!

Is this board always like this? I mean, I thought I came here for support. It's so hard to find someone that has been in that same situation as me...I thought this was the place to go to where people can relate to each other and support each other.....not be criticized for the decisions we've made. After all, everyone else in society is making remarks and criticizing us!!! I have not gone public with my relationship with my man...mostly because of this!

Anyways, just my thoughts on this...........

shorty you're exactly right. while i'm not embarassed by my relationship, most people have no clue about the truth because it's either a. "judgement calling" or b. "just not being able to handle the truths" stemming from every which way.

eventually you'll find a group you can be you around (yup, even here :p) and they will appreciate you just how you are, faults and all!

antsgirl...i'm happy you understand and thanks for sharing. sometimes though, i can't even fault the current co's, because i know how they feel...but sometimes you just have to take that plunge. if i weren't 100% sure of the ability of myself and my hubby, i don't think i would have made the moves i made either...

Shorty, WE are just people in various stages of hurt and grief. We will make mistakes and say things with a passion that may hurt, and some people may do it on purpose but don't let that scare you or keep you from getting yours. Sometimes people lash out, but sometimes people, the majority, reach out to share, accept and support. Nothing about this is easy. Don't give your power away. They talked about Jesus Christ, you may or may not believe in him but it they talk about the people who created the world, then know you are just as important:)

Let's give each other something to talk about! Talk about love! I hear the song now! Create the connectons you are going to need to work through your pain and loneliness! You deserve it!

Thanks MrsChris, but I need to check spellcheck more often!;) LoL

You ladies are not the only ones who need to use spell check. Anyway- I feel as if I have stepped out of line after reading some of the replies to my postings and this was not my intention. If I should say I'm sorry to anyone, then let me do so now. Best wishes to all of us and I will keep my comments about situations that I know nothing about to mysell, especially if unsolicited.

You ladies are not the only ones who need to use spell check. Anyway- I feel as if I have stepped out of line after reading some of the replies to my postings and this was not my intention. If I should say I'm sorry to anyone, then let me do so now. Best wishes to all of us and I will keep my comments about situations that I know nothing about to myself, especially if unsolicited.

i still don't think that most of the people who use the word unethical in these types of threads even know what the word means. :p

Oh, for me "ethical" means the act of doing what is right...........even when nobody is looking. That is my simple definiton all though I seem to have learned several definitions over the years and especially in college.

It's not like being a co is a professional position that requires a college degree... at least not here in TN anyways. Most c/os have a diploma or GED, do you really think ethics are a major focus of their work? No its not! It's not like they are actually serving clients in a human services field. They are prison guards, not therapists, etc. From my experience only (other states may have different qualifications for their co's) the c/os are there to babysit and hit the gate at the end of their 8. I never witnessed much professional behavior from any of the prison staff I worked with.
Falling in love can happen when you work in a prison just like it can any where. Why are those of us that did judged so harshly? I honestly feel that this ethical stuff is blown way out of proportion when it comes to this. I for one would never begrudge anyone finding their soulmate, nor would I judge them based upon the place they happened to meet them.

.

lol...jay you have a point. all they are doing is keeping the cities safe from a few hundred UNETHICAL people a day! :p

I really enjoy reading these posts. They're so thoughtful and intriguing. My question is this: how do both sides of the family react to this type of relationship? How does the CO's family and friends react and how does the inmate's family react? What has been anyone's experience as far as how others in your life react-especially given that you were once (or still) a CO and are dating or married to a former or present inmate?

---

Waiting_4_J, I see what you're saying about ethics. It's interesting you mention that because I was going through my own "ethical dilemna", if you will, about the feelings I have towards someone who is incarcerated and the past and present connection that we share. I know this is vague, but if you want me to elaborate, I can pm you.

http://www.tennessee.gov/correction/employment/employmt.html

The above link will take you to the state of Tennessee. If you click on the link that describes the basic entry level correctional officer, you can read what this state lists as some of the job duties. I couldn't help but notice #4.

Description of human service professional / degree:

The HDFS program in Human Services trains students for careers in the field upon graduation, as well as prepares them for further study in graduate school programs such as Human Development and Family Sciences, Social Work, Counseling, and Marriage and Family Therapy.

Our graduates work in fields such as social services, employment, housing, child welfare, community prevention, youth recreation, youth leadership development, gerontology, probation, corrections, mental health, and public policy.

They have many titles including case worker, family support worker, family life educator, therapeutic assistant, alcohol counselor, probation officer, correctional officer, residential treatment worker, life skills instructor, and psychological aide.

According to the U.S. Department of Labor (2003), job opportunities for Human Service workers are expected to be excellent, ranking among the most rapidly growing occupational fields between 2000 and 2010.

The following is a national ethical code of conduct for the HSW.


Ethical Standards of Human Service Professionals


National Organization for Human Service Education
Council for Standards in Human Service Education
Preamble

Human services is a profession developing in response to and in anticipation of the direction of human needs and human problems in the late twentieth century. Characterized particularly by an appreciation of human beings in all of their diversity, human services offers assistance to its clients within the context of their community and environment. Human service professionals and those who educate them, regardless of whether they are students, faculty or practitioners, promote and encourage the unique values and characteristics of human services. In so doing human service professionals and educators uphold the integrity and ethics of the profession, partake in constructive criticism of the profession, promote client and community well-being, and enhance their own professional growth.
The ethical guidelines presented are a set of standards of conduct which the human service professionals and educators consider in ethical and professional decision making. It is hoped that these guidelines will be of assistance when human service professionals and educators are challenged by difficult ethical dilemmas. Although ethical codes are not legal documents, they may be used to assist in the adjudication of issues related to ethical human service behavior.
SECTION I - Standards for Human Service Professionals

Human service professionals function in many ways and carry out many roles. They enter into professional-client relationships with individuals, families, groups and communities who are all referred to as "clients" in these standards. Among their roles are caregiver, case manager, broker, teacher/educator, behavior changer, consultant, outreach professional, mobilizer, advocate, community planner, community change organizer, evaluator and administrator.[1.] The following standards are written with these multifaceted roles in mind.
The Human Service Professional's Responsibility to Clients



STATEMENT 1 Human service professionals negotiate with clients the purpose, goals, and nature of the helping relationship prior to its onset as well as inform clients of the limitations of the proposed relationship.
STATEMENT 2 Human service professionals respect the integrity and welfare of the client at all times. Each client is treated with respect, acceptance and dignity.
STATEMENT 3 Human service professionals protect the client's right to privacy and confidentiality except when such confidentiality would cause harm to the client or others, when agency guidelines state otherwise, or under other stated conditions (e.g., local, state, or federal laws). Professionals inform clients of the limits of confidentiality prior to the onset of the helping relationship.
STATEMENT 4 If it is suspected that danger or harm may occur to the client or to others as a result of a client's behavior, the human service professional acts in an appropriate and professional manner to protect the safety of those individuals. This may involve seeking consultation, supervision, and/or breaking the confidentiality of the relationship.
STATEMENT 5 Human service professionals protect the integrity, safety, and security of client records. All written client information that is shared with other professionals, except in the course of professional supervision, must have the client's prior written consent.
STATEMENT 6 Human service professionals are aware that in their relationships with clients power and status are unequal. Therefore they recognize that dual or multiple relationships may increase the risk of harm to, or exploitation of, clients, and may impair their professional judgment. However, in some communities and situations it may not be feasible to avoid social or other nonprofessional contact with clients. Human service professionals support the trust implicit in the helping relationship by avoiding dual relationships that may impair professional judgment, increase the risk of harm to clients or lead to exploitation.
STATEMENT 7 Sexual relationships with current clients are not considered to be in the best interest of the client and are prohibited. Sexual relationships with previous clients are considered dual relationships and are addressed in STATEMENT 6 (above).
STATEMENT 8 The client's right to self-determination is protected by human service professionals. They recognize the client's right to receive or refuse services.
STATEMENT 9 :Human service professionals recognize and build on client strengths.
The Human Service Professional's Responsibility to the Community and Society



STATEMENT 10 Human service professionals are aware of local, state, and federal laws. They advocate for change in regulations and statutes when such legislation conflicts with ethical guidelines and/or client rights. Where laws are harmful to individuals, groups or communities, human service professionals consider the conflict between the values of obeying the law and the values of serving people and may decide to initiate social action.
STATEMENT 11 Human service professionals keep informed about current social issues as they affect the client and the community. They share that information with clients, groups and community as part of their work.
STATEMENT 12 Human service professionals understand the complex interaction between individuals, their families, the communities in which they live, and society.
STATEMENT 13 Human service professionals act as advocates in addressing unmet client and community needs. Human service professionals provide a mechanism for identifying unmet client needs, calling attention to these needs, and assisting in planning and mobilizing to advocate for those needs at the local community level.
STATEMENT 14 Human service professionals represent their qualifications to the public accurately.
STATEMENT 15 Human service professionals describe the effectiveness of programs, treatments, and/or techniques accurately.
STATEMENT 16 Human service professionals advocate for the rights of all members of society, particularly those who are members of minorities and groups at which discriminatory practices have historically been directed.
STATEMENT 17 Human service professionals provide services without discrimination or preference based on age, ethnicity, culture, race, disability, gender, religion, sexual orientation or socioeconomic status.
STATEMENT 18 Human service professionals are knowledgeable about the cultures and communities within which they practice. They are aware of multiculturalism in society and its impact on the community as well as individuals within the community. They respect individuals and groups, their cultures and beliefs.
STATEMENT 19 Human service professionals are aware of their own cultural backgrounds, beliefs, and values, recognizing the potential for impact an their relationships with others.
STATEMENT 20 Human service professionals are aware of sociopolitical issues that differentially affect clients from diverse backgrounds.
STATEMENT 21 Human service professionals seek the training, experience, education and supervision necessary to ensure their effectiveness in working with culturally diverse client populations.
The Human Service Professional's Responsibility to Colleagues



STATEMENT 22 Human service professionals avoid duplicating another professional's helping relationship with a client They consult with other professionals who are assisting the client in a different type of relationship when it is in the best interest of the client to do so.
STATEMENT 23 When a human service professional has a conflict with a colleague, he or she first seeks out the colleague in an attempt to manage the problem. If necessary, the professional then seeks the assistance of supervisors, consultants or other professionals in efforts to manage the problem.
STATEMENT 24 Human service professionals respond appropriately to unethical behavior of colleagues. Usually this means initially talking directly with the colleague and, if no resolution is forthcoming, reporting the colleague's behavior to supervisory or administrative staff and/or to the Professional organization(s) to which the colleague belongs.
STATEMENT 25 All consultations between human service professionals are kept confidential unless to do so would result in harm to clients or communities.
The Human Service Professional's Responsibility to the Profession



STATEMENT 26 Human service professionals know the limit and scope of their professional knowledge and offer services only within their knowledge and skill base.
STATEMENT 27 Human service professionals seek appropriate consultation and supervision to assist in decision-making when there are legal, ethical or other dilemmas.
STATEMENT 28 Human service professionals act with integrity, honesty, genuineness, and objectivity.
STATEMENT 29 Human service professionals promote cooperation among related disciplines (e.g., psychology, counseling, social work, nursing, family and consumer sciences, medicine, education) to foster professional growth and interests within the various fields.
STATEMENT 30 Human service professionals promote the continuing development of their profession. They encourage membership in professional associations, support research endeavors, foster educational advancement, advocate for appropriate legislative actions, and participate in other related professional activities.
STATEMENT 31 Human service professionals continually seek out new and effective approaches to enhance their professional abilities.
The Human Service Professional's Responsibility to Employers



STATEMENT 32 Human service professionals adhere to commitments made to their employers.
STATEMENT 33 Human service professionals participate in efforts to establish and maintain employment conditions which are conducive to high quality client services. They assist in evaluating the effectiveness of the agency through reliable and valid assessment measures.
STATEMENT 34 When a conflict arises between fulfilling the responsibility to the employer and the responsibility to the client, human service professionals advise both of the conflict and work conjointly with all involved to manage the conflict.
The Human Service Professional's Responsibility to Self



STATEMENT 35 Human service professionals strive to personify those characteristics typically associated with the profession (e.g., accountability, respect for others, genuineness, empathy, pragmatism).
STATEMENT 36 Human service professionals foster self-awareness and personal growth in themselves. They recognize that when professionals are aware of their own values, attitudes, cultural background, and personal needs, the process of helping others is less likely to be negatively impacted by those factors .
STATEMENT 36 Human service professionals recognize a commitment to lifelong learning and continually upgrade knowledge and skills to serve the populations better.
SECTION II - Standards for Human Service Educators

Human Service educators are familiar with, informed by and accountable to the standards of professional conduct put forth by their institutions of higher learning; their professional disciplines, for example, American Association of University Professors (AAUP), American Counseling Association (ACA), Academy of Criminal Justice (ACJS), American Psychological Association (APA), American Sociological Association (ASA), National Association of Social Workers (NASW), National Board of Certified Counselors (NBCC), National Education Association (NEA); and the National Organization for Human Service Education ( NOHSE).


STATEMENT 38 Human service educators uphold the principle of liberal education and embrace the essence of academic freedom, abstaining from inflicting their own personal views/morals on students, and allowing students the freedom to express their views without penalty, censure or ridicule, and to engage in critical thinking.
STATEMENT 39 Human service educators provide students with readily available and explicit program policies and criteria regarding program goals and objectives, recruitment, admission, course requirements, evaluations, retention and dismissal in accordance with due process procedures.
STATEMENT 40 Human service educators demonstrate high standards of scholarship in content areas and of pedagogy by staying current with developments in the field of Human Services and in teaching effectiveness, for example learning styles and teaching styles.
STATEMENT 41 Human service educators monitor students' field experiences to ensure the quality of the placement site, supervisory experience, and learning experience towards the goals of professional identity and skill development.
STATEMENT 42 Human service educators participate actively in the selection of required readings and use them with care, based strictly on the merits of the material's content, and present relevant information accurately, objectively and fully.
STATEMENT 43 Human service educators, at the onset of courses: inform students if sensitive/controversial issues or experiential/affective content or process are part of the course design; ensure that students are offered opportunities to discuss in structured ways their reactions to sensitive or controversial class content; ensure that the presentation of such material is justified on pedagogical grounds directly related to the course; and, differentiate between information based on scientific data, anecdotal data, and personal opinion.
STATEMENT 44 Human service educators develop and demonstrate culturally sensitive knowledge, awareness, and teaching methodology.
STATEMENT 45 Human service educators demonstrate full commitment to their appointed responsibilities, and are enthusiastic about and encouraging of students' learning.
STATEMENT 46 Human service educators model the personal attributes, values and skills of the human service professional, including but not limited to, the willingness to seek and respond to feedback from students.
STATEMENT 47 Human service educators establish and uphold appropriate guidelines concerning self-disclosure or student-disclosure of sensitive/personal information.
STATEMENT 48 Human service educators establish an appropriate and timely process for providing clear and objective feedback to students about their performance on relevant and established course/program academic and personal competence requirements and their suitability for the field.
STATEMENT 49 Human service educators are aware that in their relationships with students, power and status are unequal; therefore, human service educators are responsible to clearly define and maintain ethical and professional relationships with students, and avoid conduct that is demeaning, embarrassing or exploitative of students, and to treat students fairly, equally and without discrimination.
STATEMENT 50 Human service educators recognize and acknowledge the contributions of students to their work, for example in case material, workshops, research, publications.
STATEMENT 51 Human service educators demonstrate professional standards of conduct in managing personal or professional differences with colleagues, for example, not disclosing such differences and/or affirming a student's negative opinion of a faculty/program.
STATEMENT 52 Human service educators ensure that students are familiar with, informed by, and accountable to the ethical standards and policies put forth by their program/department, the course syllabus/instructor, their advisor(s), and the Ethical Standards of Human Service Professionals.
STATEMENT 53 Human service educators are aware of all relevant curriculum standards, including those of the Council for Standards in Human Services Education (CSHSE); the Community Support Skills Standards; and state/local standards, and take them into consideration in designing the curriculum.
STATEMENT 54 Human service educators create a learning context in which students can achieve the knowledge, skills, values and attitudes of the academic program.


http://oregonstate.edu/u_central/images/whitePixel.gif

Ant's Girl, it's nice that you put up the statements for human service professionals. I'm a social work grad student and I'm currently learning to adapt the Code of Ethics that NASW promotes all social workers follow. (NASW=Nat'l Association Social Workers). What you posted here is pretty much a carbon copy of a section of the Code of Ethics that social workers are encouraged and expected to follow. Social work and human services are pretty much the same thing to me.

But regardless of what we choose to call it, the bottomline is that sometimes you do fall in love with your clients. It happens. Sometimes you develop feelings. You're working with the client closely and you're both human beings. So on that note, feelings develop, you can't control the fact that they're there. Yes, self-awareness is important, and of course, you always want to keep the client first. You want to minimize, and if possible, eliminate any chance of doing possible harm or hurt to the client. You also don't want to lose your job or license.

At the same time, when you fall in love or develop feelings for someone you're serving in a professional way, that's when it's up to that individual to decide what's more important to them and what they really want. For some, it's keeping that professional title, and for others, it's developing a relationship with that individual. Based on what I read on this thread, some posters have really found the one they truly love and want to be with for the rest of their loves. That's far more gratifying and sustaining than the job they currently or used to have. I guess it's more like: "I can get another job anywhere, but to find another person whom I connect with so intimately---I'll take that over the job." And in a way, I can understand and appreciate that mindset.

I'd like to share my experience. Please bare with me as I tend to write very long posts. First off, I was never a CO. However, I started reading this thread because of the theme of meeting someone who's locked up and how relationships can develop and blossom between one who is incarcerated and one who is free. I'm especially intrigued that it was CO/Inmate.

Anyway, I've been writing to a young man I used to mentor. He's incarcerated upstate, and will be getting out (I hope) in a few months. Three years ago, I had mentored him when he was in juvenile detention (JDC-juvenile detention center). We developed a great connection and shared a lot of things during the 5 months we had mentoring. He had actually asked me to mentor him, and I remember feeling very honored. I swore I'd give him an awesome mentoring experience.

When I quit the job because I was sick of the abusive management, I swore I'd keep mentoring him regardless. I didn't leave the job because of him, I left because being at that place was affecting my health. Well, I saw him in court, met his family, and everything was cool until I went to see how he was doing at the JDC, after hearing the DA make an offer that I knew he didn't expect to hear. I didn't think it'd be a big deal since I had just finished working at the JDC for 6 months. (I had worked for the agency that ran programs at the JDC.) No one had a problem with me being there except for one person, and that one person called up the twisted supervisor I used to work for. Long story short, I got kicked out of the JDC, and I was told I couldn't mentor J anymore. There was never a chance to say good-bye to him. The supervisor made it out that I had went to see him for "other" reasons, if you will. I later on found out that she had implied I wanted to make J my boyfriend. I was never there to hear these rumors going around. But when I found out I was mortified. I was never doing anything inappropriate with J, especially given that he was a minor at the time (16) and I was 23. I would never intend to hurt or harm J, or even make a pass at him. I cared about him very much, wanted him to succeed, and yes, I enjoyed our relationship very much.

So for two years, I didn't hear from him. I always heard he was doing great, but I never saw him myself. Everyone I spoke to always said he was doing really well. I used to wonder why does everyone see him and I don't? It really bothered me for two years that there was never any closure in the relationship. It was just severed and I was afraid that J thought I abondoned him. He's a very bright and intelligent young man and so I'm sure he knew what happened, but I still wanted to let him know what really occured. Even now, I still want to ask him what he thought happened and how were these two years like for him? Sure, I went on with my life and he went on with his. In the back of my mind though, I still wanted to clear everything up and let him know what actually happened. I used to even dream about this, that's how much it weighed on my mind.

In January 2007, I found out he was locked up again, but this time, he was in an adult correctional facility. Well, I thought long and hard before contacting him. I prayed, I fasted, and I sought advice from others. In the end, I realized that I shouldn't let what two sick people did two years ago stop me from reaching out to J again. They don't care about him and they never did. They were jealous and stupid.

So I wrote him, and honestly, I first wrote him, one because I was concerned, and two, because I wanted to clear my name and explained what really happened two years ago. That might seem selfish, but it always bothered me that I never got to state my case of what happened, nor did I even get to hear from him what it was like. I didn't leave him in the dust two years ago. The connection had just stopped and if anything, that action violated J more than it did me. The supervisor didn't have his best interest at heart, nor did the agency I used to work for. If anything, the completely violated human service/social ethics by not putting his needs first.

But I disgress! We started writing to each other, and he's the reason why I started coming to this site. We are both thrilled to be in contact again, and this time, we're aiming to stay in touch this time around when he gets out. So why am I posting all of this? Well, he started saying certain things in the letters that I found questionable. I wasn't offended, just wondered what was really on his mind and how he viewed our relationship. That's when he shared that he had developed feelings for me. Once I read that letter, that's when I realized that I had feelings too. I'm not looking to start a romantic relationship with him, but are the feelings there? Yes. Do I care about him? Very much so. Does he care about me? Yes. We both are encouraging to each other. When I read his last letter where he revealed his feelings, I can't tell you how many times I cried. I'd cry even reading it aloud. It touched me that deeply. And it was only after reading that letter that I realized I had feelings for him.

You see, for awhile I denied my feelings. He tried to hide his, I tried to squash mine. Part of it was because of the whole ethical thing. Here I am going to grad school for social work, and now I've developed feelings for someone I used to serve in a professional setting. The whole ethical thing came in class because we discussed various dilemas, and seeing someone privately that you used to counsel or meet in group sessions was one of them. Well, it triggered my own insecurity that I was being unethical by still writing to him. I hadn't yet accepted my feelings, I was still denying them. When the professor I spoke to said I should end the whole thing or let it taper off, I left his office and bust into tears. When I spoke to a friend about it, and she mentioned the social work ethics, I cried even harder. I felt like it was my fault for writing to him in the first place. I struggled and wrestled with this whole ethics thing. I even swore to myself that I wouldn't prove that twisted supervisor right--the one who said I was being inappropriate with J. Most of all, I cried because I didn't want to hurt him. Last time I followed someone's advice of letting a relationship (similar to the one I have with J) end or taper off, I ended up hurting the person.

I could not do that to J.

I couldn't just stop writing him, especially after I said that I'd always be his friend and mentor. That would be wrong on so many levels. It would be cold, harsh, and very cruel. I can't even imagine how angry and hurt he'd be if I were to write a letter saying, "Okay, J, it's been fun, but this is the last letter. Good luck in life." Pardon my language, but how fucked up would that be? Seriously, how can one do that to another person? And in the name of ethics? Screw that!

Well, two days later, I come home, and there was his letter where he stated so eloquently his feelings. That's when I realized I had feelings for him. I should've known this to be true, especially given how I would emotionally react--and very strongly too--if it was suggested that I end the whole thing with J. If I were to end it, this time I'd truly be abondoning him. He said it's best that I know where he's at and, I realize now that it's also best for him to know where I'm at. We both care about each other, we have a strong connection.

For him part of the reason for these feelings is because in his mind, I was there for him during this trying situation in his life. When so few people stand by your side when you get incarcerated, or you face another great life difficulty, you, if you have a heart, cherish and hold dear those few people who really stick out to the end. And yes, sometimes feelings develop from that, regardless of what any ethical standards have to say about it.

I had to talk to my therapist, who is also a social worker, about this, and a few trusted friends. She said none of the ethics are being violated. Why? J was never my client and I was never his social worker. Therefor the NASW code of ethics does not apply. It's true that our connection started out in a professional setting--the JDC--and now moved onto something more personal--the letters. But my role as a mentor and youth worker for the agency were not bound by social work ethical standards because I was never the social worker when working with J. Were there professional standards? Yes, of course. But did I violate them? No. Although that twisted supervisor tried to make it seem like I was being inappropriate, this was never the case when I mentored him. I read this thread and found that others had gone through a similar situation and you know what? It really helps me to feel better that I'm not alone in this.

Don't get me wrong---I understand why the ethics state or discourage professionals from starting dual relationships with clients after they leave treatment--it can get very confusing and emotional and someone can get hurt. But I believe if you do it carefully, with each other's best interests in mind, you can minimize anyone getting hurt. Some people in this thread mentioned how they got fired, or just outright left their jobs when they realized feelings and a relationship was developing with their loved one.

I'm still writing to J, and I don't know where it'll end up. I'm just thrilled to have our friendship, and I believe he is too. I greatly admire those in this thread who took your relationship to the next level and actually found the right man/woman for them, and kept pressing forward regardless of what anyone thinks or says. I'm very much inspired by that, and if this situation between me and J were to go down that route, I really hope I'd have even half the strength that some of you have shown with the relationship you have with your loved one. I'd prefer to stay friends with J, simply because I don't want to chance anything disrupting our connection again. The friendship we have is very dear to me and him.

So to end, thank you everyone for sharing, I'm sorry this post was all over the place. I just hope that my experience, as well as others' show that despite physical boundaries (prison bars) and professional boundaries (ethics), feelings do develop and sometimes you find the one you really love in the most unlikely place. I agree with everyone who said God does things for a reason, sometimes He has you put in a particular spot because He knows these two people can connect and really give to each other in a way that is fulfilling, sincere, and beautiful. Peace, everyone. :)

http://www.tennessee.gov/correction/employment/employmt.html

The above link will take you to the state of Tennessee. If you click on the link that describes the basic entry level correctional officer, you can read what this state lists as some of the job duties. I couldn't help but notice #4.

Description of human service professional / degree:

The HDFS program in Human Services trains students for careers in the field upon graduation, as well as prepares them for further study in graduate school programs such as Human Development and Family Sciences, Social Work, Counseling, and Marriage and Family Therapy.

Our graduates work in fields such as social services, employment, housing, child welfare, community prevention, youth recreation, youth leadership development, gerontology, probation, corrections, mental health, and public policy.

They have many titles including case worker, family support worker, family life educator, therapeutic assistant, alcohol counselor, probation officer, correctional officer, residential treatment worker, life skills instructor, and psychological aide.

According to the U.S. Department of Labor (2003), job opportunities for Human Service workers are expected to be excellent, ranking among the most rapidly growing occupational fields between 2000 and 2010.

The following is a national ethical code of conduct for the HSW.


Ethical Standards of Human Service Professionals


National Organization for Human Service Education
Council for Standards in Human Service Education
Preamble

Human services is a profession developing in response to and in anticipation of the direction of human needs and human problems in the late twentieth century. Characterized particularly by an appreciation of human beings in all of their diversity, human services offers assistance to its clients within the context of their community and environment. Human service professionals and those who educate them, regardless of whether they are students, faculty or practitioners, promote and encourage the unique values and characteristics of human services. In so doing human service professionals and educators uphold the integrity and ethics of the profession, partake in constructive criticism of the profession, promote client and community well-being, and enhance their own professional growth.
The ethical guidelines presented are a set of standards of conduct which the human service professionals and educators consider in ethical and professional decision making. It is hoped that these guidelines will be of assistance when human service professionals and educators are challenged by difficult ethical dilemmas. Although ethical codes are not legal documents, they may be used to assist in the adjudication of issues related to ethical human service behavior.
SECTION I - Standards for Human Service Professionals

Human service professionals function in many ways and carry out many roles. They enter into professional-client relationships with individuals, families, groups and communities who are all referred to as "clients" in these standards. Among their roles are caregiver, case manager, broker, teacher/educator, behavior changer, consultant, outreach professional, mobilizer, advocate, community planner, community change organizer, evaluator and administrator.[1.] The following standards are written with these multifaceted roles in mind.
The Human Service Professional's Responsibility to Clients


STATEMENT 1 Human service professionals negotiate with clients the purpose, goals, and nature of the helping relationship prior to its onset as well as inform clients of the limitations of the proposed relationship.
STATEMENT 2 Human service professionals respect the integrity and welfare of the client at all times. Each client is treated with respect, acceptance and dignity.
STATEMENT 3 Human service professionals protect the client's right to privacy and confidentiality except when such confidentiality would cause harm to the client or others, when agency guidelines state otherwise, or under other stated conditions (e.g., local, state, or federal laws). Professionals inform clients of the limits of confidentiality prior to the onset of the helping relationship.
STATEMENT 4 If it is suspected that danger or harm may occur to the client or to others as a result of a client's behavior, the human service professional acts in an appropriate and professional manner to protect the safety of those individuals. This may involve seeking consultation, supervision, and/or breaking the confidentiality of the relationship.
STATEMENT 5 Human service professionals protect the integrity, safety, and security of client records. All written client information that is shared with other professionals, except in the course of professional supervision, must have the client's prior written consent.
STATEMENT 6 Human service professionals are aware that in their relationships with clients power and status are unequal. Therefore they recognize that dual or multiple relationships may increase the risk of harm to, or exploitation of, clients, and may impair their professional judgment. However, in some communities and situations it may not be feasible to avoid social or other nonprofessional contact with clients. Human service professionals support the trust implicit in the helping relationship by avoiding dual relationships that may impair professional judgment, increase the risk of harm to clients or lead to exploitation.
STATEMENT 7 Sexual relationships with current clients are not considered to be in the best interest of the client and are prohibited. Sexual relationships with previous clients are considered dual relationships and are addressed in STATEMENT 6 (above).
STATEMENT 8 The client's right to self-determination is protected by human service professionals. They recognize the client's right to receive or refuse services.
STATEMENT 9 :Human service professionals recognize and build on client strengths.The Human Service Professional's Responsibility to the Community and Society


STATEMENT 10 Human service professionals are aware of local, state, and federal laws. They advocate for change in regulations and statutes when such legislation conflicts with ethical guidelines and/or client rights. Where laws are harmful to individuals, groups or communities, human service professionals consider the conflict between the values of obeying the law and the values of serving people and may decide to initiate social action.
STATEMENT 11 Human service professionals keep informed about current social issues as they affect the client and the community. They share that information with clients, groups and community as part of their work.
STATEMENT 12 Human service professionals understand the complex interaction between individuals, their families, the communities in which they live, and society.
STATEMENT 13 Human service professionals act as advocates in addressing unmet client and community needs. Human service professionals provide a mechanism for identifying unmet client needs, calling attention to these needs, and assisting in planning and mobilizing to advocate for those needs at the local community level.
STATEMENT 14 Human service professionals represent their qualifications to the public accurately.
STATEMENT 15 Human service professionals describe the effectiveness of programs, treatments, and/or techniques accurately.
STATEMENT 16 Human service professionals advocate for the rights of all members of society, particularly those who are members of minorities and groups at which discriminatory practices have historically been directed.
STATEMENT 17 Human service professionals provide services without discrimination or preference based on age, ethnicity, culture, race, disability, gender, religion, sexual orientation or socioeconomic status.
STATEMENT 18 Human service professionals are knowledgeable about the cultures and communities within which they practice. They are aware of multiculturalism in society and its impact on the community as well as individuals within the community. They respect individuals and groups, their cultures and beliefs.
STATEMENT 19 Human service professionals are aware of their own cultural backgrounds, beliefs, and values, recognizing the potential for impact an their relationships with others.
STATEMENT 20 Human service professionals are aware of sociopolitical issues that differentially affect clients from diverse backgrounds.
STATEMENT 21 Human service professionals seek the training, experience, education and supervision necessary to ensure their effectiveness in working with culturally diverse client populations.The Human Service Professional's Responsibility to Colleagues


STATEMENT 22 Human service professionals avoid duplicating another professional's helping relationship with a client They consult with other professionals who are assisting the client in a different type of relationship when it is in the best interest of the client to do so.
STATEMENT 23 When a human service professional has a conflict with a colleague, he or she first seeks out the colleague in an attempt to manage the problem. If necessary, the professional then seeks the assistance of supervisors, consultants or other professionals in efforts to manage the problem.
STATEMENT 24 Human service professionals respond appropriately to unethical behavior of colleagues. Usually this means initially talking directly with the colleague and, if no resolution is forthcoming, reporting the colleague's behavior to supervisory or administrative staff and/or to the Professional organization(s) to which the colleague belongs.
STATEMENT 25 All consultations between human service professionals are kept confidential unless to do so would result in harm to clients or communities.The Human Service Professional's Responsibility to the Profession


STATEMENT 26 Human service professionals know the limit and scope of their professional knowledge and offer services only within their knowledge and skill base.
STATEMENT 27 Human service professionals seek appropriate consultation and supervision to assist in decision-making when there are legal, ethical or other dilemmas.
STATEMENT 28 Human service professionals act with integrity, honesty, genuineness, and objectivity.
STATEMENT 29 Human service professionals promote cooperation among related disciplines (e.g., psychology, counseling, social work, nursing, family and consumer sciences, medicine, education) to foster professional growth and interests within the various fields.
STATEMENT 30 Human service professionals promote the continuing development of their profession. They encourage membership in professional associations, support research endeavors, foster educational advancement, advocate for appropriate legislative actions, and participate in other related professional activities.
STATEMENT 31 Human service professionals continually seek out new and effective approaches to enhance their professional abilities.The Human Service Professional's Responsibility to Employers


STATEMENT 32 Human service professionals adhere to commitments made to their employers.
STATEMENT 33 Human service professionals participate in efforts to establish and maintain employment conditions which are conducive to high quality client services. They assist in evaluating the effectiveness of the agency through reliable and valid assessment measures.
STATEMENT 34 When a conflict arises between fulfilling the responsibility to the employer and the responsibility to the client, human service professionals advise both of the conflict and work conjointly with all involved to manage the conflict.The Human Service Professional's Responsibility to Self


STATEMENT 35 Human service professionals strive to personify those characteristics typically associated with the profession (e.g., accountability, respect for others, genuineness, empathy, pragmatism).
STATEMENT 36 Human service professionals foster self-awareness and personal growth in themselves. They recognize that when professionals are aware of their own values, attitudes, cultural background, and personal needs, the process of helping others is less likely to be negatively impacted by those factors .
STATEMENT 36 Human service professionals recognize a commitment to lifelong learning and continually upgrade knowledge and skills to serve the populations better.SECTION II - Standards for Human Service Educators

Human Service educators are familiar with, informed by and accountable to the standards of professional conduct put forth by their institutions of higher learning; their professional disciplines, for example, American Association of University Professors (AAUP), American Counseling Association (ACA), Academy of Criminal Justice (ACJS), American Psychological Association (APA), American Sociological Association (ASA), National Association of Social Workers (NASW), National Board of Certified Counselors (NBCC), National Education Association (NEA); and the National Organization for Human Service Education ( NOHSE).

STATEMENT 38 Human service educators uphold the principle of liberal education and embrace the essence of academic freedom, abstaining from inflicting their own personal views/morals on students, and allowing students the freedom to express their views without penalty, censure or ridicule, and to engage in critical thinking.
STATEMENT 39 Human service educators provide students with readily available and explicit program policies and criteria regarding program goals and objectives, recruitment, admission, course requirements, evaluations, retention and dismissal in accordance with due process procedures.
STATEMENT 40 Human service educators demonstrate high standards of scholarship in content areas and of pedagogy by staying current with developments in the field of Human Services and in teaching effectiveness, for example learning styles and teaching styles.
STATEMENT 41 Human service educators monitor students' field experiences to ensure the quality of the placement site, supervisory experience, and learning experience towards the goals of professional identity and skill development.
STATEMENT 42 Human service educators participate actively in the selection of required readings and use them with care, based strictly on the merits of the material's content, and present relevant information accurately, objectively and fully.
STATEMENT 43 Human service educators, at the onset of courses: inform students if sensitive/controversial issues or experiential/affective content or process are part of the course design; ensure that students are offered opportunities to discuss in structured ways their reactions to sensitive or controversial class content; ensure that the presentation of such material is justified on pedagogical grounds directly related to the course; and, differentiate between information based on scientific data, anecdotal data, and personal opinion.
STATEMENT 44 Human service educators develop and demonstrate culturally sensitive knowledge, awareness, and teaching methodology.
STATEMENT 45 Human service educators demonstrate full commitment to their appointed responsibilities, and are enthusiastic about and encouraging of students' learning.
STATEMENT 46 Human service educators model the personal attributes, values and skills of the human service professional, including but not limited to, the willingness to seek and respond to feedback from students.
STATEMENT 47 Human service educators establish and uphold appropriate guidelines concerning self-disclosure or student-disclosure of sensitive/personal information.
STATEMENT 48 Human service educators establish an appropriate and timely process for providing clear and objective feedback to students about their performance on relevant and established course/program academic and personal competence requirements and their suitability for the field.
STATEMENT 49 Human service educators are aware that in their relationships with students, power and status are unequal; therefore, human service educators are responsible to clearly define and maintain ethical and professional relationships with students, and avoid conduct that is demeaning, embarrassing or exploitative of students, and to treat students fairly, equally and without discrimination.
STATEMENT 50 Human service educators recognize and acknowledge the contributions of students to their work, for example in case material, workshops, research, publications.
STATEMENT 51 Human service educators demonstrate professional standards of conduct in managing personal or professional differences with colleagues, for example, not disclosing such differences and/or affirming a student's negative opinion of a faculty/program.
STATEMENT 52 Human service educators ensure that students are familiar with, informed by, and accountable to the ethical standards and policies put forth by their program/department, the course syllabus/instructor, their advisor(s), and the Ethical Standards of Human Service Professionals.
STATEMENT 53 Human service educators are aware of all relevant curriculum standards, including those of the Council for Standards in Human Services Education (CSHSE); the Community Support Skills Standards; and state/local standards, and take them into consideration in designing the curriculum.
STATEMENT 54 Human service educators create a learning context in which students can achieve the knowledge, skills, values and attitudes of the academic program.


http://oregonstate.edu/u_central/images/whitePixel.gif
STATEMENT 6 Human service professionals are aware that in their relationships with clients power and status are unequal. Therefore they recognize that dual or multiple relationships may increase the risk of harm to, or exploitation of, clients, and may impair their professional judgment. However, in some communities and situations it may not be feasible to avoid social or other nonprofessional contact with clients. Human service professionals support the trust implicit in the helping relationship by avoiding dual relationships that may impair professional judgment, increase the risk of harm to clients or lead to exploitation.
STATEMENT 7 Sexual relationships with current clients are not considered to be in the best interest of the client and are prohibited. Sexual relationships with previous clients are considered dual relationships and are addressed in STATEMENT 6 (above).

now if you read above about dual relationships, i've highlighted there too.


if you read the bolded parts carefully, you will see that even in this lengthy lil piece, the state cannot prohibit relationships between human service professionals and PAST clients. all it says is that it is encouraged against for past clients and prohibited for current clients. and hey...if i quit my job or get a transfer...he is no longer my current client.

to be honest, you won't find it anywhere that an ex professional and an ex client absolutely cannot engage in a meaningful relationship once the client is no longer under the care of the professional.

there is ALWAYS the ability to interpret these rules according to individual situation, which is why a. most professionals DON'T face prison time and b. they are written the way they are written.

nothing is ever ALL, clearly not even the law.

OMG I love you all HUGS AND KISSESSSSS !!!!. I thought I was alone here. :(

I was an officer, When I saw him I just thought, damn... he's so cute. But quickly put it aside because according to DOC 'inmates are the debol' ... but after I got pissed off by my bitch of a lieutenant, I cursed out a few people and quit (and the state has blackballed me ever since). A homegirl that still works there, gave another inmate (a gay dude, we were sooooooooooo close) my number to call me, he snatched the phone from HeShe, when he found it it was me HeShe was talking to, and it was instant love from then on.... never looked back.

OMG I love yallllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll. Finally I am home.

Ant's Girl, it's nice that you put up the statements for human service professionals. I'm a social work grad student and I'm currently learning to adapt the Code of Ethics that NASW promotes all social workers follow. (NASW=Nat'l Association Social Workers). What you posted here is pretty much a carbon copy of a section of the Code of Ethics that social workers are encouraged and expected to follow. Social work and human services are pretty much the same thing to me.

But regardless of what we choose to call it, the bottomline is that sometimes you do fall in love with your clients. It happens. Sometimes you develop feelings. You're working with the client closely and you're both human beings. So on that note, feelings develop, you can't control the fact that they're there. Yes, self-awareness is important, and of course, you always want to keep the client first. You want to minimize, and if possible, eliminate any chance of doing possible harm or hurt to the client. You also don't want to lose your job or license.

At the same time, when you fall in love or develop feelings for someone you're serving in a professional way, that's when it's up to that individual to decide what's more important to them and what they really want. For some, it's keeping that professional title, and for others, it's developing a relationship with that individual. Based on what I read on this thread, some posters have really found the one they truly love and want to be with for the rest of their loves. That's far more gratifying and sustaining than the job they currently or used to have. I guess it's more like: "I can get another job anywhere, but to find another person whom I connect with so intimately---I'll take that over the job." And in a way, I can understand and appreciate that mindset.

I'd like to share my experience. Please bare with me as I tend to write very long posts. First off, I was never a CO. However, I started reading this thread because of the theme of meeting someone who's locked up and how relationships can develop and blossom between one who is incarcerated and one who is free. I'm especially intrigued that it was CO/Inmate.

Anyway, I've been writing to a young man I used to mentor. He's incarcerated upstate, and will be getting out (I hope) in a few months. Three years ago, I had mentored him when he was in juvenile detention (JDC-juvenile detention center). We developed a great connection and shared a lot of things during the 5 months we had mentoring. He had actually asked me to mentor him, and I remember feeling very honored. I swore I'd give him an awesome mentoring experience.

When I quit the job because I was sick of the abusive management, I swore I'd keep mentoring him regardless. I didn't leave the job because of him, I left because being at that place was affecting my health. Well, I saw him in court, met his family, and everything was cool until I went to see how he was doing at the JDC, after hearing the DA make an offer that I knew he didn't expect to hear. I didn't think it'd be a big deal since I had just finished working at the JDC for 6 months. (I had worked for the agency that ran programs at the JDC.) No one had a problem with me being there except for one person, and that one person called up the twisted supervisor I used to work for. Long story short, I got kicked out of the JDC, and I was told I couldn't mentor J anymore. There was never a chance to say good-bye to him. The supervisor made it out that I had went to see him for "other" reasons, if you will. I later on found out that she had implied I wanted to make J my boyfriend. I was never there to hear these rumors going around. But when I found out I was mortified. I was never doing anything inappropriate with J, especially given that he was a minor at the time (16) and I was 23. I would never intend to hurt or harm J, or even make a pass at him. I cared about him very much, wanted him to succeed, and yes, I enjoyed our relationship very much.

So for two years, I didn't hear from him. I always heard he was doing great, but I never saw him myself. Everyone I spoke to always said he was doing really well. I used to wonder why does everyone see him and I don't? It really bothered me for two years that there was never any closure in the relationship. It was just severed and I was afraid that J thought I abondoned him. He's a very bright and intelligent young man and so I'm sure he knew what happened, but I still wanted to let him know what really occured. Even now, I still want to ask him what he thought happened and how were these two years like for him? Sure, I went on with my life and he went on with his. In the back of my mind though, I still wanted to clear everything up and let him know what actually happened. I used to even dream about this, that's how much it weighed on my mind.

In January 2007, I found out he was locked up again, but this time, he was in an adult correctional facility. Well, I thought long and hard before contacting him. I prayed, I fasted, and I sought advice from others. In the end, I realized that I shouldn't let what two sick people did two years ago stop me from reaching out to J again. They don't care about him and they never did. They were jealous and stupid.

So I wrote him, and honestly, I first wrote him, one because I was concerned, and two, because I wanted to clear my name and explained what really happened two years ago. That might seem selfish, but it always bothered me that I never got to state my case of what happened, nor did I even get to hear from him what it was like. I didn't leave him in the dust two years ago. The connection had just stopped and if anything, that action violated J more than it did me. The supervisor didn't have his best interest at heart, nor did the agency I used to work for. If anything, the completely violated human service/social ethics by not putting his needs first.

But I disgress! We started writing to each other, and he's the reason why I started coming to this site. We are both thrilled to be in contact again, and this time, we're aiming to stay in touch this time around when he gets out. So why am I posting all of this? Well, he started saying certain things in the letters that I found questionable. I wasn't offended, just wondered what was really on his mind and how he viewed our relationship. That's when he shared that he had developed feelings for me. Once I read that letter, that's when I realized that I had feelings too. I'm not looking to start a romantic relationship with him, but are the feelings there? Yes. Do I care about him? Very much so. Does he care about me? Yes. We both are encouraging to each other. When I read his last letter where he revealed his feelings, I can't tell you how many times I cried. I'd cry even reading it aloud. It touched me that deeply. And it was only after reading that letter that I realized I had feelings for him.

You see, for awhile I denied my feelings. He tried to hide his, I tried to squash mine. Part of it was because of the whole ethical thing. Here I am going to grad school for social work, and now I've developed feelings for someone I used to serve in a professional setting. The whole ethical thing came in class because we discussed various dilemas, and seeing someone privately that you used to counsel or meet in group sessions was one of them. Well, it triggered my own insecurity that I was being unethical by still writing to him. I hadn't yet accepted my feelings, I was still denying them. When the professor I spoke to said I should end the whole thing or let it taper off, I left his office and bust into tears. When I spoke to a friend about it, and she mentioned the social work ethics, I cried even harder. I felt like it was my fault for writing to him in the first place. I struggled and wrestled with this whole ethics thing. I even swore to myself that I wouldn't prove that twisted supervisor right--the one who said I was being inappropriate with J. Most of all, I cried because I didn't want to hurt him. Last time I followed someone's advice of letting a relationship (similar to the one I have with J) end or taper off, I ended up hurting the person.

I could not do that to J.

I couldn't just stop writing him, especially after I said that I'd always be his friend and mentor. That would be wrong on so many levels. It would be cold, harsh, and very cruel. I can't even imagine how angry and hurt he'd be if I were to write a letter saying, "Okay, J, it's been fun, but this is the last letter. Good luck in life." Pardon my language, but how fucked up would that be? Seriously, how can one do that to another person? And in the name of ethics? Screw that!

Well, two days later, I come home, and there was his letter where he stated so eloquently his feelings. That's when I realized I had feelings for him. I should've known this to be true, especially given how I would emotionally react--and very strongly too--if it was suggested that I end the whole thing with J. If I were to end it, this time I'd truly be abondoning him. He said it's best that I know where he's at and, I realize now that it's also best for him to know where I'm at. We both care about each other, we have a strong connection.

For him part of the reason for these feelings is because in his mind, I was there for him during this trying situation in his life. When so few people stand by your side when you get incarcerated, or you face another great life difficulty, you, if you have a heart, cherish and hold dear those few people who really stick out to the end. And yes, sometimes feelings develop from that, regardless of what any ethical standards have to say about it.

I had to talk to my therapist, who is also a social worker, about this, and a few trusted friends. She said none of the ethics are being violated. Why? J was never my client and I was never his social worker. Therefor the NASW code of ethics does not apply. It's true that our connection started out in a professional setting--the JDC--and now moved onto something more personal--the letters. But my role as a mentor and youth worker for the agency were not bound by social work ethical standards because I was never the social worker when working with J. Were there professional standards? Yes, of course. But did I violate them? No. Although that twisted supervisor tried to make it seem like I was being inappropriate, this was never the case when I mentored him. I read this thread and found that others had gone through a similar situation and you know what? It really helps me to feel better that I'm not alone in this.

Don't get me wrong---I understand why the ethics state or discourage professionals from starting dual relationships with clients after they leave treatment--it can get very confusing and emotional and someone can get hurt. But I believe if you do it carefully, with each other's best interests in mind, you can minimize anyone getting hurt. Some people in this thread mentioned how they got fired, or just outright left their jobs when they realized feelings and a relationship was developing with their loved one.

I'm still writing to J, and I don't know where it'll end up. I'm just thrilled to have our friendship, and I believe he is too. I greatly admire those in this thread who took your relationship to the next level and actually found the right man/woman for them, and kept pressing forward regardless of what anyone thinks or says. I'm very much inspired by that, and if this situation between me and J were to go down that route, I really hope I'd have even half the strength that some of you have shown with the relationship you have with your loved one. I'd prefer to stay friends with J, simply because I don't want to chance anything disrupting our connection again. The friendship we have is very dear to me and him.

So to end, thank you everyone for sharing, I'm sorry this post was all over the place. I just hope that my experience, as well as others' show that despite physical boundaries (prison bars) and professional boundaries (ethics), feelings do develop and sometimes you find the one you really love in the most unlikely place. I agree with everyone who said God does things for a reason, sometimes He has you put in a particular spot because He knows these two people can connect and really give to each other in a way that is fulfilling, sincere, and beautiful. Peace, everyone. :)

wow what a great story.

you made me smile, and i hope the best works out for you and j. my hubby (at that time an inmate in the place i worked) was never my "client", and i never worked the area where he was housed. as a matter of fact he traveled across the facility daily to find me--i wasn't even allowed in his tier because he wasn't "my inmate" per se. but he found me, and i found him, and it's odd how it happened in the end, but nah...i don't regret it at all.

i quit my job anyway though because like you said so perfectly...no one wants to think they are being "unethical" either way it goes. when i quit, i didn't look back, and i didn't have any issues because the love that i share with him is bigger than the benefits that job afforded me, and i was way ahead of the game as i planned on leaving the job before anything SUPER crazy happened.

i'm happy that some people realize that things happen and people fall in love. and yup, sometimes it's on BOTH sides of the fence :)

OMG I love you all HUGS AND KISSESSSSS !!!!. I thought I was alone here. :(

I was an officer, When I saw him I just thought, damn... he's so cute. But quickly put it aside because according to DOC 'inmates are the debol' ... but after I got pissed off by my bitch of a lieutenant, I cursed out a few people and quit (and the state has blackballed me ever since). A homegirl that still works there, gave another inmate (a gay dude, we were sooooooooooo close) my number to call me, he snatched the phone from HeShe, when he found it it was me HeShe was talking to, and it was instant love from then on.... never looked back.

OMG I love yallllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll. Finally I am home.

i wonder if every place has a HeShe that is an absolute doll.

when i was doing my UNethical duties ;) i used to bring real shampoo and real conditioner in the DOC shampoo and conditioner bottles for this gay inmate that i was REALLY close to as well. he used to say, "ohmygosh girl, you are SAVING my hair! HALLELUJAH!" lol...and then i used to buy him (about once a week) those nasty little gummi bears...that was his guilty pleasure. he used to come and see me all the time (another inmate that wasn't mine but worked across the prison and used to travel the distance to find me), until one day in all his glory he shouted that i was "HIS" lol...then they told him they'd fire him if he came back LOL. but i still gave him his gummi bears once a week lol.

dang...looking back, that was breaking the rules too because the shampoo was contraband, but hey. sometimes a little went a long way and the smallest things would brighten some of their days in there so much you'd need sunglasses lol.

hi, I have a question. can you go the other way around? I mean, can you fall inlove with the imate first and then apply for a job at the prison?
Like, my brother is an inmate and his girlfriend is a school teacher. The prison has a job opening for a teacher, ged I think. So what happens if she applys for the opening and she get to see him? She is so nice. she took me horseback riding last summer, an we visited NASA and she explained all the fancy gadgets they have there. my mom and dad bought her a law mower. anyways, I will shut up now

I really enjoy reading these posts. They're so thoughtful and intriguing. My question is this: how do both sides of the family react to this type of relationship? How does the CO's family and friends react and how does the inmate's family react? What has been anyone's experience as far as how others in your life react-especially given that you were once (or still) a CO and are dating or married to a former or present inmate?

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Waiting_4_J, I see what you're saying about ethics. It's interesting you mention that because I was going through my own "ethical dilemna", if you will, about the feelings I have towards someone who is incarcerated and the past and present connection that we share. I know this is vague, but if you want me to elaborate, I can pm you.

Compassionate--first I wanna tell you I also enjoyed your post about your relationship with J. I hope all works out for you two and the great friendship you share.

In regards to families and friends reactions, in my situation where I was a case manager in the prison system, his family was thrilled I came into his life b/ he's lacked positive individuals and my family, well the few that know, are very supportive of the relationship. It seems it is this way for a good majority of the women on this site.

gymnastic chick there are alot of people who joke that they would do that, and i've heard of some women who actually DO it. but i wouldn't suggest it, because all it will do is ultimately cause you to be in the same situation that some of us found ourselves in.

gymnastic chick there are alot of people who joke that they would do that, and i've heard of some women who actually DO it. but i wouldn't suggest it, because all it will do is ultimately cause you to be in the same situation that some of us found ourselves in.okay. what if they keep it kewl an keep it secret? Like, do the guards follow the workers around to make sure they dont fall in love with the inmates and then put them on the hot chair if they see them look in each others eyes to long, stuff like that?
thanks, Sarah

okay. what if they keep it kewl an keep it secret? Like, do the guards follow the workers around to make sure they dont fall in love with the inmates and then put them on the hot chair if they see them look in each others eyes to long, stuff like that?
thanks, Sarah

while the guards don't watch for things like that, in prison or jail, the inmates are always watching, and they always know. so the couple would still run the risk of being caught. but you can't stop someone from doing what they want to do...however they have to understand the consequences of the actions if they do get caught.

it's hard to keep relationships a secret in prison lol.

Compassionate-

Looks like we are pursuing the same area of interest. I have my BA in Human Services and am currently finishing my thesis for my Masters.

I am also a person with feelings who lives real life; weighing the pros / cons and "problems" assocaited with affairs of the heart.

Last year, I had to turn down a job as a case manager at a youth facility in IE due to my current relationship. I really wanted the job.........but when consiering who ny heart belongs to..............it was never a choice.

i wonder if every place has a HeShe that is an absolute doll.

when i was doing my UNethical duties ;) i used to bring real shampoo and real conditioner in the DOC shampoo and conditioner bottles for this gay inmate that i was REALLY close to as well. he used to say, "ohmygosh girl, you are SAVING my hair! HALLELUJAH!" lol...and then i used to buy him (about once a week) those nasty little gummi bears...that was his guilty pleasure. he used to come and see me all the time (another inmate that wasn't mine but worked across the prison and used to travel the distance to find me), until one day in all his glory he shouted that i was "HIS" lol...then they told him they'd fire him if he came back LOL. but i still gave him his gummi bears once a week lol.

dang...looking back, that was breaking the rules too because the shampoo was contraband, but hey. sometimes a little went a long way and the smallest things would brighten some of their days in there so much you'd need sunglasses lol.
YES THERE ARE !!!
There are about 3 that I miss, and wish I could contact again, But two of them, all they wanted was lip gloss !!! LMAO. And oddly enough collect lip gloss, 3/4 of which I never used, and I'd have like C.O Bigelow (bath and body works), kinda reminds you of Mac's Lip Glass and they'd go crazy, begging PLEEEEEEZZZZZZEEEEE !!!
They'd walk around switching, and tossing their hair, with shiny lips.

They were also the best to talk to, knew all the gossip, half the time before you did!

I really enjoy reading these posts. They're so thoughtful and intriguing. My question is this: how do both sides of the family react to this type of relationship? How does the CO's family and friends react and how does the inmate's family react? What has been anyone's experience as far as how others in your life react-especially given that you were once (or still) a CO and are dating or married to a former or present inmate?



Both of our family's are happy that we are happy. My mom and little sister have been down to visit, As for my friends, I feel that if they are really my friends they would be happy that he makes me happy no matter how we met. In the 8 years that we have been together we havnt had any negitive reactions about our relationship.

I worked in A DOC but not as a CO I was a supervisor in the kitchen... so basically I sat there and watched them do everything... making sure they wernt putting stuff in the food and such. Anyhow I was more of a friend then a "figure head" and thats kinda how I got away with my relationship as long as I did. I first saw my Ron and thought he was attractive and once again I thought "why are all the good looking ones locked up!" about a month later he confessed his love for me and I gave him dirt for a long time before i let him know that i was interested. Then one day we got caught hugging and the next day I was given the option to resign or be terminated. As I was walking out the door I gave him a big ol' kiss on the lips and told everyone where they could stick it. I am not allowed to visit but we only have 13 days and a wake up and I will be picking up my man and we will be going home!

Mrs Stone_Cold, welcome to PTO! You'll find a lot of support here. You're definitely not alone. This whole thread and forum is filled with all sorts of topics relating to "met while incarcerated". I don't know how you worked for DOC with the whole "inmates are the devil" mentality. But now you're probably happier now that you're out of there and with him. Stick around!

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Mrs_chris: Thank you for your wishes! J and I are friends at this point, and I'm still waiting to hear back from after I mailed out the last letter almost three weeks ago. I'd prefer to stay friends and I hope he understands why. I don't want to chance disrupting our connection, but then again if something is meant to be, then it is. I hope my response didn't scare him off, although it seemed he was more concerned that him revealing his true feelings would cause me to freak out. I'll just take it a day (or in his case, a month) at a time and see what happens. When he gets out, I'm sure we'll have some long talks.

Wow, your hubby traveled across the facility to find you! That's really something right there. What happened? How long did it take you both to realize you fell for each other? Quitting was the best thing you did. That way no one can start rumors or some other crap. If you don't mind my asking, does your husband get out soon? Or is he out already? Are you able to visit him? (Oh my gosh, I ask so many questions!) BTW, your story about buying shampoo for the gay inmate was hilarious! I'm sure he really appreciated your kindness.

Things do happen, that's for sure. And I find it best when you weren't looking for it. :)

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Summer83, thank you! I'm glad some of you enjoyed reading it. I tend to ramble in posts because I have a lot on my mind and heart. One of these days, I'll have to write about this experience. Thanks for your wishes. I hope it works out well for him and I too. I just gotta be patient and wait for his response. He shared his feelings and then I shared mine...I really never expected things to go down this path, although it seems other saw it before I did.

I'm so glad to hear it worked out for you and your loved one. That's the thing: if you represent a positive presence in his life, then it shouldn't be discouraged. I'm glad to hear that some of your family (those that know) are supportive, and the same for his family. Do you still work for the prison system? How did you guys meet? When did you realize you had feelings for each other? (Oh boy, there I go with the questions again! lol!)

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Ant's Girl, yes, we are both on the same path! So you're almost done with your Masters? That's wonderful! I'm just finishing my first semester of my grad education in social work. Man, it's intense and challenging, but well worth it!

When it comes to the "affairs of the heart" (I like you how you put it)--there are definitely pros and cons to be weighed. I mean, these things do happen. Before we're human service professionals, correction officers, case managers, or social workers or anything else--we're human beings. We have feelings. The clients we serve have feelings too. And sometimes you just happen to have a great connection with some people and it goes on levels you never anticipated. It can be scary, but also exciting.

You had to turn down a job as a case manager at a youth facility? Did they know you were currently involved with someone who is incarcerated? Do they ask you these things? I hope I'm not assuming the wrong thing. If I am, please correct me. I'm just very curious about everyone else's stories and would love to learn more.

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Willsgirl, I'm happy that it worked out for you and your man, and that both families are happy for you both. I hope your friends change their minds, but it's great to see that you still stick to the relationship no matter what. Oh and...I want to ask you the same amount of questions I asked everyone else about how you met and how did you find out...don't mind me, I'm just very curious!

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Rydin4mysoldier, WOW! I'm so happy that you're seeing him in less than 2 weeks!!! And what a story!!! Oh man, how you showed them! I'm so awed by your guts and the way you both handled it. Wow...I don't even know what else to say!

I dont understand the last part of your question. Find out what?

Found out you has feelings for each other, and how did it go from there?

oh ok,

We met while I was a CO at the unit he was/is on, we were cool, had a few conversations, nothing serious, just passing time, one night we got into to a back and forth thing about when his birthday was, his is July 9 and mine is July 7, I throught he was just making it up, from that point on we became friends :) He did let me know that one day I would be his wife :) When I quit, I wrote him to let him know I was gone and that I was ok, we started writing after about 6 months of writing, I knew that I was falling in love with him, so I stoped fighting my feelings and just let them come as they may. We have been married 2 years now!!!

Summer83, thank you! I'm glad some of you enjoyed reading it. I tend to ramble in posts because I have a lot on my mind and heart. One of these days, I'll have to write about this experience. Thanks for your wishes. I hope it works out well for him and I too. I just gotta be patient and wait for his response. He shared his feelings and then I shared mine...I really never expected things to go down this path, although it seems other saw it before I did.

I'm so glad to hear it worked out for you and your loved one. That's the thing: if you represent a positive presence in his life, then it shouldn't be discouraged. I'm glad to hear that some of your family (those that know) are supportive, and the same for his family. Do you still work for the prison system? How did you guys meet? When did you realize you had feelings for each other? (Oh boy, there I go with the questions again! lol!)

LOL no no...the questions are cool--it's therapeutic to be able to discuss our situation!

No--I have since quit working in the prison system due to the "dirty politics". I'm now an Addiction Therapist treating those with an opiate dependence.

Well, Vince and I met through the system. I was a counselor @ the facility he was at. One day I was workng visitation and he sat with me and just started talking about his life which I found so interesting. We had a 3 hour long convo that day! Now, he was not on my caseload, but still felt comfortable talking to me about the stress in his life. Well, one day he came in to say "hi" and wrote me this little note that said something in regards to falling for me. I kinda pushed it aside like it was nothing, but I just felt such a strong attraction to him. He continued to leave me letters and since then, ive been so in love with him, regardless of all his "screw-ups" in b/t.

Mrs_Stone_Cold, welcome to PTO! You'll find a lot of support here. You're definitely not alone. This whole thread and forum is filled with all sorts of topics relating to "met while incarcerated". I don't know how you worked for DOC with the whole "inmates are the devil" mentality. But now you're probably happier now that you're out of there and with him. Stick around!

Thank you Very much Compassionate, I like it here already. :D

Actually no, I regret leaving. Well, I regret leaving the money. That's about all. He even told me once I quit he would still go to the other wings looking for me, even in feedup, he would look to the corner where I would stand. I thought that was so sweet.
I've been so depressed sine I left. The bills are piling up, I cry constantly, this POS job isn't paying what it should, or giving me the hours it should. And I worry about my truck and house being taken constantly. And it seems as if Quitting the state, has barred me from anything resembling a good job. He knows how stressed I am, and it's killing him. He always says he can't wait to come home and help me with the house and all. I appreciate that, no other man, on this side of that wall, has ever done ANYTHING for me.

I just wish I could see him, get a real hug, and a real kiss. I'm barred from visiting, the chaplain tried to go to bat for us so we could get married. Nothing. It's been almost 4 months since I've seen him wink at me.

mrs stone cold, i'm so sorry that happened to you. prayer changes things...that's the only SOLID advice i can offer you because i was facing potentially the same situation as you and i prayed over it...God is good all the time. trust me on that. now i have a job making the same exact pay working exactly 1/2 the hours, i have better medical benefits than the state provided (i don't really care about pension and etc. because those things will be taken from us anyway by the government when we reach retirement age so i ain't trying to pay into it), and i have my family. so it all worked out as a huge blessing for me, but it came with faith...

so keep your head up high and know if you come to it, God can get you through it!

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Mrs_chris: Thank you for your wishes! J and I are friends at this point, and I'm still waiting to hear back from after I mailed out the last letter almost three weeks ago. I'd prefer to stay friends and I hope he understands why. I don't want to chance disrupting our connection, but then again if something is meant to be, then it is. I hope my response didn't scare him off, although it seemed he was more concerned that him revealing his true feelings would cause me to freak out. I'll just take it a day (or in his case, a month) at a time and see what happens. When he gets out, I'm sure we'll have some long talks.

Wow, your hubby traveled across the facility to find you! That's really something right there. What happened? How long did it take you both to realize you fell for each other? Quitting was the best thing you did. That way no one can start rumors or some other crap. If you don't mind my asking, does your husband get out soon? Or is he out already? Are you able to visit him? (Oh my gosh, I ask so many questions!) BTW, your story about buying shampoo for the gay inmate was hilarious! I'm sure he really appreciated your kindness.

Things do happen, that's for sure. And I find it best when you weren't looking for it. :)

---



i think all inmates are nervous about revealing their true feelings out of fear of being either considered full of crap or being viewed as pond scum or something. now there are those inmates that play games, but every now and then a sincere one comes along and well the rest becomes history. a little off topic, i hate it when a worker leaves everything they have concerning a job behind for an inmate only to get hurt...

my hubby fell for me way long before i fell for him...and he was VERY persistent about it, to the point where i could no longer ignore him. it didn't mean that i was falling for him at that time, but just that he was a royal bug a boo and just wouldn't get off my back :D . the fact that he was NEVER in his tier didn't help matters any lol. he wasn't my inmate and his tier was on the other side of the facility, so every day he would wander to where i worked at and spend hours straight with me.it took me about 3-4 months to really start looking at him in any sort of a different light. and i did fall for him relatively quickly once i DID pay him attention. alot happened in the next few months and finally i just couldn't deal with the stress of loving him, working in that environment, and potentially getting in trouble...so i just quit.

now technically, i can't say i would have ever gotten fired, but because i didn't want to lead a "dual life" haha so to speak, i just went on and quit my job once he and i really started a relationship. no one ever pushed me out, or questioned me, nothing. as a matter of fact, they didn't acknowledge my resignation for a full 5 months after my last day. 5 months later is when i got a letter saying that my resignation was approved...so it was a long hard process to quit LOL.

my hubby gets out in appx. 20 months, i am able to visit him and we are doing very well. sometimes the stress of waiting gets to us, but we take things one step at a time. and i especially love his saying, "if i had to come back to prison again to meet you, then it was worth every second."

I'd like to wish ALL of you the best life has to offer. I agree when someone said c/o's dont need very much education to get the position therefore I assume it's just like any other job where you are a human looking for a paycheck. I worked at a Indiana prison and saw lots of nurses lose their jobs for love. It was a bit different for them because some had their nursing license suspended or revoked for this. I just couldnt understand why they would risk that when we work so hard in school for 2+ years to obtain our licenses. Therewere alot of very charming men in there but the system does pound into your head that they are only con's. I never went for that and treated them good but remained professional. It was 3 years later that I fell in love again with my high school sweetheart who ended up going to prison. Now low and behold I am in love with a prisoner. It doesnt matter that we lived outside together or that we have known each other on the outside for 13 years. What matters is love and it comes in all forms. Love is found in all places and situations. Love extends through all time and circumstance. If I offended anyone by my previous posts I am sorry. I was discussing ethics through my prospective as a prison nurse. They pound our code of ethics into us for years of nursing school. Doing the right thing even when noone is looking as Ant said. Now I realize not everyone who works in a prison setting was taught in this way therefore they dont understand. I wish everyone the best in life and love!

the fact that he was NEVER in his tier didn't help matters any lol. he wasn't my inmate and his tier was on the other side of the facility, so every day he would wander to where i worked at and spend hours straight with me.
YES !! That happened with us too... he would wander to wherever I worked, if I was north, he'd come over there to sign the Lost ID list.. LOL.
All the Black men there HATED to see him anywhere near me. At the old jail they'd yell some hateful ish at me... And I'm like, they wonder why I don't want their sorry ass.

When we would spend all that time talking, so was everyone else, and men gossip worse than we do. They were knocking off girls left and right, in the 2 jails where I worked for having relationships. I refused to let someone take my money away from me. (So I pissed it away myself lol) So one day I say to him in the yard, we can't talk anymore, it's just too hot here (not that we were doing anything, but I didn't want the perception) ... I walked away, and turned around and looked at his face, looking at him made MY heart break, I never saw that expression on a man before !!! So, I was so relieved when I quit, he still wanted to talk to me !!! Whew !!!

YES !! That happened with us too... he would wander to wherever I worked, if I was north, he'd come over there to sign the Lost ID list.. LOL.
All the Black men there HATED to see him anywhere near me. At the old jail they'd yell some hateful ish at me... And I'm like, they wonder why I don't want their sorry ass.

When we would spend all that time talking, so was everyone else, and men gossip worse than we do. They were knocking off girls left and right, in the 2 jails where I worked for having relationships. I refused to let someone take my money away from me. (So I pissed it away myself lol) So one day I say to him in the yard, we can't talk anymore, it's just too hot here (not that we were doing anything, but I didn't want the perception) ... I walked away, and turned around and looked at his face, looking at him made MY heart break, I never saw that expression on a man before !!! So, I was so relieved when I quit, he still wanted to talk to me !!! Whew !!!

are you guys IR? you said all the black guys hated to see him there...

haha, my hubby hated to see any guys around me. i never went around them, but they used to flock. and he would have a FIT. lol! i used to ask him what did he expect when i was usually the only one that actually could HELP them with very important matters, and he would still get antsy, even though that was one of my jobs. go figure :rolleyes:

I am not judging anyone who falls in love or the way in which they fall in love, but I have a hard time with anyone who mixes business with pleasure.

As a human service professional, (C.O.) there are some pretty clear cut rules of conduct as well as ethical codes that discuss having relationships with clients. (Inmates). This is the same rule that applies to therapists and patients. I don't know, but it is what it is, I guess. I'm a teacher, and if I "fell in love" with my clients, (students) not only would I be considered a sick F--k (and rightfully so) but I would be put in prison myself. If a therapist is discovered to have relations with a patient, the right to practice can be stripped. There are some pretty serious consequences that go hand in hand with some of the choices that we make and it seems to me that if a person might be tempted by the population in which they serve, then they might want to consider a different line of employment, or at least be serious about the ethical codes that they are agreeing to uphold when they take the job.

Still, I do know that sometimes things just happen and due to this fact, I can not judge for I can only imagine if I had been a C.O working in the building where my finance is housed.......well.......................



Well said! It is a violation of an ethical code. A teacher with a student, Dr. With patient, Nurse with patient, etc. I have worked as a nurse in many settings, a prison was one ( many years back) and I would never cross the line. I watched a friend get involved, left her husband and 4 kids to move in with the guy she was involved with. She lost her license, job, family and ended up HIV positive because he was. Also saw many females that loved the male attention and drama. I think men/women that are in prison are vulnerable because of isolation, family gets tired of the crap and gives up, so inmates do latch on to any one that is nice to them. Not in every case, I realize!
But as you said,Ant's girl, sometimes things just happen.

are you guys IR? you said all the black guys hated to see him there...

haha, my hubby hated to see any guys around me. i never went around them, but they used to flock. and he would have a FIT. lol! i used to ask him what did he expect when i was usually the only one that actually could HELP them with very important matters, and he would still get antsy, even though that was one of my jobs. go figure :rolleyes:
Yes, he's white, I'm black.
Black men seem to feel very threatened when they see a sista with a white man. I was the 'white boy loving bitch' to them. Once most of them got to know me, they really didn't have a problem with me. But I still got whispers, and whatnot.... 'yo, don't waste your time with __________ she only date white boys' .... After he and I stopped communicating, an inmate walked up to me in feed up and said, you know, I sure am glad you stopped talking to that caucasian boy... I got tired of seeing him in your face.
One even put a white boy reference in a death threat note on me !!! HA HA HA HA.
That burned their asses up.

Yes, he's white, I'm black.
Black men seem to feel very threatened when they see a sista with a white man. I was the 'white boy loving bitch' to them. Once most of them got to know me, they really didn't have a problem with me. But I still got whispers, and whatnot.... 'yo, don't waste your time with __________ she only date white boys' .... After he and I stopped communicating, an inmate walked up to me in feed up and said, you know, I sure am glad you stopped talking to that caucasian boy... I got tired of seeing him in your face.
One even put a white boy reference in a death threat note on me !!! HA HA HA HA.
That burned their asses up.

wow. that death threat stuff was serious. either way it goes, keep your head up, and remember that the storms don't last long!

Well said! It is a violation of an ethical code. A teacher with a student, Dr. With patient, Nurse with patient, etc. I have worked as a nurse in many settings, a prison was one ( many years back) and I would never cross the line. I watched a friend get involved, left her husband and 4 kids to move in with the guy she was involved with. She lost her license, job, family and ended up HIV positive because he was. Also saw many females that loved the male attention and drama. I think men/women that are in prison are vulnerable because of isolation, family gets tired of the crap and gives up, so inmates do latch on to any one that is nice to them. Not in every case, I realize!
But as you said,Ant's girl, sometimes things just happen.

sorry about your friend...that had to be a tough pill for her to swallow :no:

(lilith, Your friend sounds like she had mental issues. Now I have heard of peoples' faith and love being so high they willingly take on a love with HIV. I, however, can not relate to that type of love or abandonment. A blood test, current physical is a must when dealing with any prisoner husband or boyfriend. That was just emotional russian roulet, which is why I said there were many underlying issues) I am so glad you recognize that some cases are different. Many of the CO's here are talking about healthy love choices that have led them to be reactionary and responsible even if after the fact. We are not perfect. I know for a fact some of those men/women lifes were made whole for the finding of their soulmates.

IMO, people In glass houses can't throw stones I suppose, yet if these people are adults they have to be responsible not to make theirs and others lives at danger. I am proud of the ones who left their jobs and came back with dignity and claimed who they loved. I do not want to go out of this world without knowing true love. When they do this, and still be in love, it will be worth the sacrifices.

Nothing is black and white. Some People who are rigid also tend to be anal, at at times the most unhappy. "What you won't do do for love"

(lilith, Your friend sounds like she had mental issues. Now I have heard of peoples' faith and love being so high they willingly take on a love with HIV. I, however, can not relate to that type of love or abandonment. A blood test, current physical is a must when dealing with any prisoner husband or boyfriend. That was just emotional russian roulet, which is why I said there were many underlying issues) I am so glad you recognize that some cases are different. Many of the CO's here are talking about healthy love choices that have led them to be reactionary and responsible even if after the fact. We are not perfect. I know for a fact some of those men/women lifes were made whole for the finding of their soulmates.

IMO, people In glass houses can't throw stones I suppose, yet if these people are adults they have to be responsible not to make theirs and others lives at danger. I am proud of the ones who left their jobs and came back with dignity and claimed who they loved. I do not want to go out of this world without knowing true love. When they do this, and still be in love, it will be worth the sacrifices.

Nothing is black and white. Some People who are rigid also tend to be anal, at at times the most unhappy. "What you won't do do for love"

very true, and well said :thumbsup:

wow. that death threat stuff was serious. either way it goes, keep your head up, and remember that the storms don't last long!
I was never worried about it, he was a crackhead, a jail junkie. I was put in Protective Custody for a while, then right back in my block. All I had to do was give him some crack, he woulda shut right up.
Sometimes when they have a problem with an officer who won't let them do whateverthehelltheywant, they 'drop notes' saying they're gonna kill you or whatever, to have supervision remove you from the jail, and put you somewhere that's NOT in population... they do it to certain officers 6 and 7 times a year, so they can have the weak officers in the unit, therefore inmates will run the unit.



A blood test, current physical is a must when dealing with any prisoner husband or boyfriend.

Exactly, my ex sister in law's sister died because her boyfriend went to jail, did, whatever he do, came home and gave her HIV. You get tested beforehand, I will, and he's gotten his about a week ago, waiting for the results.

i gotcha, i gotcha...

one thing i can say is, i don't miss the DRAMA of that place!

This is in response to Ant's Girl's post re: requirements for TN correctional workers and the quoted Ethical Standards. That was rather lengthy. And that is about all it is to be honest. From my experience working in a TN prison, not as a CO, but in the mental health dept, I can assure you that not a soul has ever seen or read this lengthy statement of standards. Like I said before, ethics in prison, especially from what I seen do not exist. That may sound harsh or whatever but it is what I seen. Going through training at the academy before my employment at the prison these "standards" were never brought up or discussed. No one was referred to as a Human Service Professional. No one signed a code of ethics statement upon employment. Yes, we were told that becoming involved with an inmate on a personal level was unprofessional and against their POLICY. Like I said before, in TN prisons most employees are there to babysit... there isn't a whole lot of therapeutic rehabilitation going on so those ethical issues really become a non-issue. I suppose it may be different in your experience, however, that doesn't mean that all of us that became involved with the inmates we worked with have violated some code of ethics. And, if we did, well, we knew what we were getting into. Love? Ethics? Hmm... I think I'll choose the love of my life over some obscure code of ethics any day.
At the end of this journey I would hate to look back and know that I chose a set of ethics over my soul mate. It seems silly to even entertain that ethics could be more important than love. But, that's just my opinion.

well said j!

When I dated staff members who did me wrong, no one looked down on me. When I love a prisoner who does right by me, the staff look down on me. I will go with my heart, wearing a professional uniform does not make them better men than one wearing a prison uniform.

that doesn't mean that all of us that became involved with the inmates we worked with have violated some code of ethics. And, if we did, well, we knew what we were getting into. Love? Ethics? Hmm... I think I'll choose the love of my life over some obscure code of ethics any day.
At the end of this journey I would hate to look back and know that I chose a set of ethics over my soul mate. It seems silly to even entertain that ethics could be more important than love. But, that's just my opinion.

YOU AINT NEVER LIED GIRL !!!!

I was one of the first to post in this thread. I have read everything posted and enjoyed everyones opinion. Some one asked questions about how you and your family felt. My Mother and father love Raven. My friends are all accepting of my husband. Family and friends wrote over 35 letters of support for him. We met, fell in love and married in prison. Ethics be damned. When you are faced with a once in a lifetime love.

I was one of the first to post in this thread. I have read everything posted and enjoyed everyones opinion. Some one asked questions about how you and your family felt. My Mother and father love Raven. My friends are all accepting of my husband. Family and friends wrote over 35 letters of support for him. We met, fell in love and married in prison. Ethics be damned. When you are faced with a once in a lifetime love.
Raven, he's home now right ?
How's that going for you ?

No after they said he could come home in August they gave him two more years. So I am still holding him down. We did get visits after 3 1/2 years of not seeing each other. I love my husband more everyday.

Thanks mrschris and Mrs Stone Cold! I love what Raven had to say "Ethics Be Damned!"

Someone asked how our families responded to us getting involved with an inmate... My parents are so happy for me. They have both gotten to know Jason and are looking forward to his release. When he and I first started talking my mother noticed the difference in me immediately. She could see how happy I was and she has always trusted my judgement so she knew right away that our relationship was serious. My extended family (aunts, uncles, cousins, etc) has been supportive also.
Jason put me in touch with his family a couple months after we became more serious. We clicked immediately just like Jason and I did. His family is also very supportive. They have seen the changes in him as a result of our relationship. Our families have met and they get along great. We could not ask for more support from our families. If only the rest of society could be so accepting.

i missed the families question...

both of our families are accepting of us and our relationship. my family sends him packages pretty regularly and today we had Thanksgiving dinner with his family...so we're good!

Hey everyone, it was me who asked about how families of inmates and officers responded. Wow! That's wonderful how both families have been very supportive for some of you. It shows that these relationships can flourish and work. BTW, I hope everyone had a happy Thanksgiving. I plan to respond to some messages in a few days. I have tons of schoolwork to catch up on, but I'll be checking out the thread. I also received a letter from him recently--so very excited!

compassionate...they definitely can flourish and work, as long as both parties put their all into it, and honestly!

Happy Thanksgiving, see ya soon!

I'm not too good with meeting families. I guess I get scared that they won't like me. He told everyone about me, he said they got mad at him because they thought he got me fired !! :haha:
His mother want's me to come to see her, but the drive is 13 hours away, and my truck only gets 11 miles to the gallon, and I'm dead broke... I can see me filling up 50 dollars 4 times before I get there.
He has a brother, who's busy with his family, and they just dealt with a tragedy.... So, I can wait I guess.

I just get paranoid... I'm like ... "did you tell them I was black ? I don't wanna be a suprise... like guess who's comming to dinner."



No after they said he could come home in August they gave him two more years. So I am still holding him down. We did get visits after 3 1/2 years of not seeing each other. I love my husband more everyday.


Those sons of whores !!! :mad:
I am soooooo sorry they're keeping you from your love like that. I honestly think the system likes to try and break people's spirits.
But I guess the two years is better than the alternative ?

Thanks mrschris and Mrs Stone Cold! I love what Raven had to say "Ethics Be Damned!"

Someone asked how our families responded to us getting involved with an inmate... My parents are so happy for me. They have both gotten to know Jason and are looking forward to his release. When he and I first started talking my mother noticed the difference in me immediately. She could see how happy I was and she has always trusted my judgement so she knew right away that our relationship was serious. My extended family (aunts, uncles, cousins, etc) has been supportive also.
Jason put me in touch with his family a couple months after we became more serious. We clicked immediately just like Jason and I did. His family is also very supportive. They have seen the changes in him as a result of our relationship. Our families have met and they get along great. We could not ask for more support from our families. If only the rest of society could be so accepting.
J~ You are SOOO fortunate to have both families be supportive!
If you dont mind me asking, how did you go about telling your parents that you were involved with Jason?

I was a C.O. for just over a year before I was forced to resigned because my man & I got investigated. I always performed my duties to the best of my ability, and always treated everyone with fairness & respect. I am a caring, compassionate and loving person who was never fit to work in a prison but was forced to find out the hard way. I guess you just never know where you will find your true love! My experiences have taught me never to judge the actions of anybody else if you don't truly know what they have gone through...kind of like the Bob Marley quote "before you point your fingers make sure your hands are clean." I just found love in the wrong place but I know that my man is my destiny! It's been a long road for my baby & I but we are gonna make it through so I have no regrets about anything that has happened. Nobody has posted about this yet, but have any of you actually been charged or convicted as a result of your investigations??

no conviction never even accused of sexual contact. just establishing

no conviction never even accused of sexual contact. just establishing
???
No I mean how many years is he supposed to serve ?



I was a C.O. for just over a year before I was forced to resigned because my man & I got investigated. I always performed my duties to the best of my ability, and always treated everyone with fairness & respect. I am a caring, compassionate and loving person who was never fit to work in a prison but was forced to find out the hard way. I guess you just never know where you will find your true love! My experiences have taught me never to judge the actions of anybody else if you don't truly know what they have gone through...kind of like the Bob Marley quote "before you point your fingers make sure your hands are clean." I just found love in the wrong place but I know that my man is my destiny! It's been a long road for my baby & I but we are gonna make it through so I have no regrets about anything that has happened. Nobody has posted about this yet, but have any of you actually been charged or convicted as a result of your investigations??

That's all you can do babe.
No investigation for me. We persued relationship after I quit.

But here they blow alot of smoke about prosecuting, mainly because in MD, inmates are considered ward of the state. (dunno how they do it in other states) So if they want to, and they have proof of sexual contact, they can have your pretty picture on the sex offender registry.... Crazy but true. I've never seen it happen though. They just use it as a scare tactic.

Welcome to PTO btw. :D

well we had an investigation of sorts through something TOTALLY unrelated, nothing came out of it because this state (thank God) has better ways to waste their money other than chasing around two lovebirds.

here inmates are wards of the state so sexual assault charges can be charged on BOTH parties, not just the staff.

i have rarely seen any charges brought up on anyone, unless there was proof of force (i.e. rape or attack). other than that, they usually don't prove much and just fire staff and move the inmate.

I thought you said they have a law that makes the inmates sentence extend 7-15 years??? Correct me if Im wrong.....you said you loved that new law:confused: :confused: :confused: .well we had an investigation of sorts through something TOTALLY unrelated, nothing came out of it because this state (thank God) has better ways to waste their money other than chasing around two lovebirds.

here inmates are wards of the state so sexual assault charges can be charged on BOTH parties, not just the staff.

i have rarely seen any charges brought up on anyone, unless there was proof of force (i.e. rape or attack). other than that, they usually don't prove much and just fire staff and move the inmate.

I thought you said they have a law that makes the inmates sentence extend 7-15 years??? Correct me if Im wrong.....you said you loved that new law:confused: :confused: :confused: .

they do have a law. i addressed it when i said that "here inmates are wards of the state so sexual assault charges can be charged on BOTH parties, not just the staff".

and i do love the law. because these relationships are not always one sided, and the state recognizes that. people are people and can fall under pressure, no matter WHAT side of the fence they are on and no matter what color uniform they wear, to do certain things. so the law takes that into account and inmates face serious consequences just like staff do for inappropriate relationships. but usually it's only taken this far if one or both parties speaks of threats of violence, physical harm, coercion, etc. or has proof of it. other than that, staff gets fired, inmate gets shipped.

however, i said that thank God this state doesn't have time to chase around two people who are in love and not coercing each other in any way, shape or form. i meant that as a sarcasm because this state is notorious for funnelling money and wasting funds on stupid ish.

we were being watched, like i said, for something totally unrelated, and nothing ever came up against me or him post investigation, and the state knew the truth and they knew the deal. but they had the attitude that more people need to have, "ah well, she quit, they're still together and that's life. let's move on to something more interesting folks!"

i was just hopeful that someone would know how it feels to be in my situation because i have actually been charged as a result of my relationship. i can't really say too much other than that but i'm sure you can all imagine...just that it'd be reassuring to hear someone had a similar experience & made it through or that miraculously the charges were dropped! it's just really an unbelievable thing because that's just the way that the law works...they say that a relationship between staff and an inmate can never be consentual. my baby is by my side & that's where he is gonna be through this entire ordeal! it's just unfortunate that our relationship has brought us so much suffering & the suffering never ceases. i can't wait until this is all over so that we can share in our beautiful love together so we can prove everyone who didn't believe in us wrong. it's just an unfortunate thing that the gov't had to take it this far. all you can do is have faith & i know that...but it's really a hard thing to go through. would i think twice about falling in love? never...i know that my baby is the love of my life & i guess destiny works in strange ways somtimes. when i ask people why do you think this had to happen to me...they say it's so that i can find out how strong i am & how strong my love is. but i guess if they see that you are gonna stand up & not fall...they are gonna do whatever they can to put you to the ground even if it means putting your picture on a sex offender registry & jeapordizing your chances at success for the rest of your life. so to all the haters out there...yeah women like us do get prosecuted for falling in love & wouldn't you know i am a college graduate, currently very successful in the work that i do, & never ever in my life had a brush with the law. the things we women have to go through for love...!

Roddrick's Baby, Sorry you were charged. Raven and I were never charged but they made it extremely hard on us. We stuck it out and are now married with visits. All I can say is what got us through. Some people go their whole life and never find a love like we share. My husband was suppose to be home this year. Now we are looking at the end of 2009. In the scheme of things the time we spent with him in prison will be a small blip in the entire time of our life together.

How long is your man in for?

roddricks i am also sorry that you're actually getting charged. you are the first case that i heard of personally that this happened to. if you don't mind me asking, were you caught doing anything or are these charges based on what no one saw to be true but assume?

i have to admit, there was of course a time when i was very nervous about our relationship, and it's what propelled me to just go on and quit. i seriously think that anyone in our situation should make a choice, work or love, as soon as humanly possible. because while sometimes unfortunate situations cannot be avoided, sometimes they can.

roddrick is your family supporting you? how long have you and your man been together?

Good news (I guess)
I'm hearing that the current warden will be gone monday !!
The new warden is a former major of mine, and I'm hoping he can help me, even if we can't get married, and I can just VISIT, that will be good enough for me.
Those jails are getting out of control, so they have good timing getting him out, yesterday 4 people on lock up were stabbed... I have a good guess of how. Hmmmmm

Oh yeah! He had to go. I am praying for you! God Bless you it is a good sign.

i'm still in the beginning stages of my court appearances so i can't really say a lot about anything. & i haven't even seen what sort of evidence they are going to bring forth against me (my next court appearance is in a week and i'm starting to freak out) but i believe they are basing it on statements made to the investigators. when i found out that they knew about our relationship, i immediately resigned, cooperated with my investigation, & they assured me nothing would come of it...7 months later i got the summons to appear in federal court! most of my family doesn't know yet...but the people who do are having a hard time but find it hard to believe that i could actually be convicted and sentenced. but right now i'm in this position where i have no clue what is going to happen & it is very frightening because i've never gone through something like this before. i've been with my man going on 2 years and he gets out hopefully in november of 2008 but will have to finish his time (6 more months) at a halfway house before he actually comes home. i've got my heart set right now on the retroactive crack laws so he can get home to me sooner but i guess just like everything we take it day by day and wait to see what happens! thanks for everyone who has listened :)

Okay, I just went and wrote a long post and responded to several posts individually, and then it didnt even go up. The site logged me out. I HATE it when that happens. So I'll type up a shortened version (or long, knowing me). Oh, and I hope everyone enjoyed their Thanksgiving, or whichever holiday you celebrate! :)

First off, to Summer83, Willsgirl, mrschris, Mrs Stone Cold---thank you so much for explaining how you met your loved ones, and thanks to everyone else who mentioned how your families responded. This is a great thread and it's awesome to hear other people's experiences. I'm really impressed and inspired at how you all let the love go in its own direction, without hampering it or stopping it. I wish I could have all of your strength. It really is amazing the people you meet in the places you least expect.

Willsgirl, congrats on him getting out soon. I'm happy for you and him. The way you two met is funny with the birthdays. It's ironic how you guys were close in birthday and how that all figured into the start of your connection together. It's awesome that it's worked out for you both.

mrschris, yes, some inmates play games. There are dishonest ones, and then there are genuine ones. I very briefly wondered that about J, but figured if he was extremely honest about why he's locked up again, why would he lie about having feelings for me. Why would he lie about anything he's told me thus far? He's always kept it real and I kept it real with him. If anything it strengthens our bond. I think it's great that you left your job before getting hassled. That was a smart move. I also see your point that it's messed up to see someone get burned by this type of thing. It sounds to me like your man was determined to be with you from the getgo!

Summer83, I'm glad you got out of the prison system--you know how their politics and crap gets. It's good that you're still helping others in the way that you want. And I totally understand how amazing it is to be able to learn about the clients you're serving and feel a strong attraction. You really can't help who you feel attracted or have feelings for. I'm glad that things have worked out for you and Vince.

Mrs Stone Cold, I'm glad you're with us on PTO. You get lots of support here. I'm sorry that you're so stressed out. Hopefully, you'll get a much better job and be able to take care of everything ASAP. I hope you're able to get your visits. If not that, how about phone calls and letters? We're here for you.

NileMusiq, I loved your post about love. I'm starting to think I should just print this entire thread. It's amazing.

Rodderick's Baby, I'm truly sorry that you're dealing with all this stress and that you're facing charges. You sound like a genuine person with a giving heart. IMO, it is because of your character that your being targeted--and not because of what the DOC thinks you did/didn't do. I find that the abusive and twisted COs and supervisors that love lording power over others--they don't get looked at, but the ones who show real compassion and care and respect for those locked up--they're made targets of because it makes the sick ones look bad. That's just my opinion. Please hang in there---we're here for you on PTO.

As for your question about facing charges. I never faced charges, although when I look back on it, I realize how lucky and blessed I am that this didn't happen. J was 16 at the time, and I was 23. If the twisted supervisor I worked under wanted to get really ugly, she could've called the police on me, and who knows what would've happened. She wasn't in the building when I got kicked out. There was never an investigation done on me. I had already left the agency, so she severed the mentoring connection, she spoke to his parents (or so I heard), and she sent out a letter letting jail side and school side staff know that I wasn't allowed in the back area.

But could I have faced charges? Definitely. Especially since J was a minor at the time, and I'm an adult. That's the thing about this. I wasn't exploiting him or abusing him, but if the police had got involved, who knows how ugly it would've become. All I was doing was helping him out as best as I could because I cared. Now I know that I identified with him on some level, but overall, we just had a great connection. I enjoyed working with him. Yes, I was always attracted to him, but when he asked me to mentor him; I swore I’d give him my all. We had become really close during the five months I had mentored him, we had great conversations, and enjoyed our time together. He definitely got something out of the mentoring, and this was wonderful. But as it went down, stupid jealous people wanted to start trouble and start rumors. I wasn’t trying to make a pass at him, nor was he trying to make a pass at me.

The funny thing is, when I read his recent letter (I got it this Tuesday), he shared that he had feelings for me since JDC, but now they are more intense. On my end, I didn’t realize I had feelings until I read his second to last letter. He said that when the crazy situation happened, he actually was hoping that I had the same feelings he did. He said he was sorry if that came off as selfish. It’s not selfish to me, and in a way it makes me smile. I picture the crazy supervisor yanking at her hair and screaming at the top of her lungs. I picture myself off to the side, furious, with my arms folded across my chest. Then I picture J standing off to the side, dreamy eyes, with his hand over his heart. I know that sounds really silly, but now that all this in the past, I guess I can look back and laugh at it. Those mental images make me laugh because it showed how we were all seeing the situation completely different.

But—at the time—my mind was on the fact that this can screw up my future with children and youth. I know most posters in this thread chose love over ethics and a job and I admire that. At the same time, during that time, I didn’t realize how stuff like this could mess with your career, and as much as I cared about Jason, I also didn’t want my future career to be marred up by someone’s lies. The stupid agency didn’t even give me a reference for the next job. I had to get my friend to give the reference. After JDC, I still wanted to work with troubled youth, but something like this could’ve made a dent. That’s what my friend told me when this whole thing went down, and it’s not far from the truth. I’m thankful to God that this didn’t happen.

For your situation, Rodderick’s Baby, please hang in there. I know that’s easier said than done. But if reading the many posts in this thread has taught me anything, it’s that no system, no ethical standards, and no warped people can destroy the love you have with your loved one if it is truly meant to be. If anything, let it strengthen your bond and know that you have each other and your love to keep you together during this storm. The rain doesn’t last forever, the sun always comes out. Best of luck in court and I think I can speak for those on this thread when I say you're definitely in our prayers and thoughts. Peace be with you and please keep us updated.

J~ You are SOOO fortunate to have both families be supportive!
If you dont mind me asking, how did you go about telling your parents that you were involved with Jason?

I am so thankful that our families are so supportive of us. Losing my job, losing a lot of friends, plus doing this time with Jason would be so much harder if it weren't for our families. I had a lot of (what I thought) were good friends at the prison that will not even speak to me now b/c of my choice to become involved with an inmate. I am not really the type of person that cares what other's think of me but I will admit that it hurts that people are so judgemental.
Anyways you asked how I went about telling my parents... Before Jason and I officially became a couple he was in my class and we spent everyday together and we immediately clicked. I talked about him a lot to my mother as she and I are very close. I would make random comments to her about things he would say or do. I also told her one day that I had never met anyone that I had so much in common with and that I could just sit and talk with for hours. She listened to me talk about this man for 4 months. The day I recieved my first letter from him I immediately went to her looking for advice about what I should do. At this point I was totally in love but worried about losing my job, etc. My mother looked at me and said "I have seen you become a totally different person these past few months and if you don't give this man a chance you are a fool! Love should not have anything to do with location." So I read the letter and shared it with her and she was really impressed. The fact that he was in prison did not effect my mother's opinion of him at all. She is like me in that she believes that people make mistakes and that things happen for a reason. My mother has an amazing intuition and feels people out real quick and usually she is not wrong either. From day one she says she had a good feeling about Jason. Now that they really know each other she is totally convinced he is my soulmate. She has said so many times that she wishes I had met him years ago.
My dad on the other hand was shocked when I asked him how he would feel if I were to become involved with an inmate. His first reaction was not immediately positive but the more he found out about Jason the more he relaxed about the whole situation. It took him about a month or so to become used to the idea and he noticed the positive changes in me. When Jason finally got me in touch with his family and I went to visit (I took my mother along for support :) ) he seen that we were becoming serious and he has been nothing but happy for me since. He is so excited to meet his future son-in-law and they have lots of things they can't wait to do together. My parents aren't allowed to visit him but they do write and talk on the phone.
Writing this has just really made me realize how lucky I am to have such great parents. Thanks for giving me the chance to talk about them:thumbsup:

Waitin_4_J, I know you were responding to Summer83, but I wanted to comment. First, thank you for sharing. You are really fortunate to have very supportive parents, who are non-judgemental and are open-minded to the idea that you can find love anywhere, that people make mistakes, and so on. I know my parents love me and don't want to see me get hurt, but I feel that I can't be as open about my situation as you were with your parents. I've told them what he's in for and that I plan on staying in contact with him when he gets out, but on the topic of feelings? No, not even close, although they've had their suspicions. So I wanted to say thank you for sharing. I can't say enough how fortunate you are to have them be open to the idea that you and Jason are a couple and truly love each other. As for the friends who stopped speaking to you...I'm not trying to be judgemental, but it just shows that they weren't your friends to begin with if they were just going to wipe you out of their lives for a decision that you chose to make. When we go through trying times like this, it brings out your inner strength, but it also shows who's real with you and who isn't. It hurts that you lost these people, but the fact that your families are hanging in with both of you really boosts the morale you and Jason need to make it through. I wish you and Jason all the best. It sounds truly beautiful what you and him have together.

I think it really goes to show that your story, along with everyone else's in this thread, that when you're meant to be with someone you just are.

Waitin... that's a great story. :) Your mother sounds really great.
I wish you two the best.

I wish I had a good support system like some of you guys... I guess that's why I'm here.


Roddrick, you are in my prayers, seriuosly girl. They need to just let that go, really. What do they get out of it ?

Mrs Stone Cold, this website is an excellent support system. I mean, where else can we go to discuss this? There needs to be more support groups out there for those who have an incarcerated loved one.

And I know your last question was directed to Roddrick, but my .02 is that some higher-ups in the corrections system target those who really show genuine concern for the inmates. Think of it like this: if you form a connection that benefits the inmate in a positive way, so that when they get out, they *stay out* of the system--that's less money that the DOC makes off of that person. I know that sounds bonky, but that's my take on it. (I got my view on that based on my brief experience with the juvenile justice system and working under that crazy supervisor. She never cared about the kids, they were just $$$ for her, and a target for her to abuse and mistreat.) The correctional system cares more about making money, than about actual corrections and rehabiliation.

Rodderick, as I told you in my last monster post: You sound like a genuine person with a giving heart. IMO, it is because of your character that your being targeted--and not because of what the DOC thinks you did/didn't do. I find that the abusive and twisted COs and supervisors that love lording power over others--they don't get looked at, but the ones who show real compassion and care and respect for those locked up--they're made targets of because it makes the sick ones look bad.

I can only imagine how frightening it is to be brought up on charges, especially when you know you did nothing wrong. Just keep that in mind: you did NOTHING wrong. If you made another person's life a little more brighter because of your relationship with them, then it was well worth it. Two people sincerely loving each other and wanting the best for each other ISN'T a crime, no matter what anyone or any system says. It doesn't matter how you met him and how he met you--if you have that connection and you know it's one that you want to keep, FIGHT THIS. We're behind you!!!

Oh...I see now. I just hate to see anyone get that much time for what they choose to do in their own personal life! I dont think anyone should be punished only transferred to another facility.they do have a law. i addressed it when i said that "here inmates are wards of the state so sexual assault charges can be charged on BOTH parties, not just the staff".

and i do love the law. because these relationships are not always one sided, and the state recognizes that. people are people and can fall under pressure, no matter WHAT side of the fence they are on and no matter what color uniform they wear, to do certain things. so the law takes that into account and inmates face serious consequences just like staff do for inappropriate relationships. but usually it's only taken this far if one or both parties speaks of threats of violence, physical harm, coercion, etc. or has proof of it. other than that, staff gets fired, inmate gets shipped.

however, i said that thank God this state doesn't have time to chase around two people who are in love and not coercing each other in any way, shape or form. i meant that as a sarcasm because this state is notorious for funnelling money and wasting funds on stupid ish.

we were being watched, like i said, for something totally unrelated, and nothing ever came up against me or him post investigation, and the state knew the truth and they knew the deal. but they had the attitude that more people need to have, "ah well, she quit, they're still together and that's life. let's move on to something more interesting folks!"

okay this is going to be a really long post cause i have a lot to reply to! i just want to first say that i appreciate everyone's feedback...it is a wonderful feeling to know there are people who can say they know where you're coming from because really unless you've been in our position it is so hard to understand! i love to read about all of your happy endings because it gives me hope for what the future may bring! i just wish i could put this all behind me & go on loving my man like any other couple...but i've got a few things to deal with first!

first off thank you compassionate for your thoughtfulness & support & for sharing your story! you are very blessed for the way that things have worked out for you & i'm proud of you for not letting anything stop you or get in the way of how you truly feel because if you feel something in your heart then nobody else can tell you what is right or wrong. rumors are such an unfortunate thing because people judge you based on what other people are saying out of jealousy or whatever their motives may be, & they forget to recognize you for who you truly are which is a caring and compassionate person wanting to make a difference in another person's life. if a connection begins to form as a result of that, then that is a beautiful thing, but you know in your heart that your intentions were always true & sincere & that is all that matters in the end. the important thing is this is all behind you & you can keep a positive spirit so i wish you only the best & most beautiful in your relationship.

for anybody who cares about people, prison is not the right place to be because you will be punished for caring & that is unfortunate...when i left the prison i told them that it's unfortunate that they don't have more people working for them like me because of the optimism that i could bring to the lives of the inmates i worked with just to have someone who comes to work with a smile & someone who will listen to their story!

what do they get out of all they are putting me through? that's a good question...and that is my only answer is the same one that mrs. stone cold proposed...they just need to let this go because they’ve simply taken an innocent love way too far. they constantly try to make our relationship more & more difficult. all of our phone calls are monitored and recorded (as potential court evidence) all of my letters are read and scrutinized & often he never even gets the letters i send to him. they will do anything to see our love fail just as compassionate said because they can't stand the fact that i took love over them. but it's unfortunate & true that money is their motives for everything. why do you think the BOP is in such great opposition to the proposed retroactive crack laws? because they can't stand the thought of losing all of that money if thousands of inmates are released in the next year – inmates who have well served more than enough time. they don't consider the fact that it would contribute to creating more space within the prison system...they will gladly take as many inmates as they can get to pack into a dorm room & get more money. compassion & caring doesn't make it into prison...which is unfortunate because we are all humans first all with feelings & emotions just the same.

there are days when i get my spirits down because it's scary not knowing what comes next but then i just try to bring my focus back & tell myself that everything is going to be okay...that it has to be okay because i never did anything wrong. because of the position i was in it is perceived as wrong...but our love is genuine & true & i will continue to fight & stay strong to prove that no matter how wrong they want to make it our love is what is going to win in the end.

i liked what raven said about how all of these things will become just a small piece of an entire story that we will make beautiful once he comes home to me. i don't think i will ever face prison time but it's just the fact that they want to charge me with something that is completely absurd and will jeapordize my future success. i am currently employed in a completely different field of work & i love what i do but if i get a felony of this nature on my record it is very likely that i never get the opportunity to work in a public position ever again. it's something that is very difficult to face.

i really feel that my case is being used as an example or maybe a threat to other employees of the federal system that if you get involved with an inmate they will do whatever it takes to criminalize you even if it means humiliating your name. it's sad how nobody even looks at the fact that all of my evaluations were perfect, that i never once was reprimanded on the job by any of my supervisors. i just made the "forbidden" choice to pursue a relationship with an inmate, which never once got in the way of me performing the duties of my job because my work always came first.

i guess in attempts to turn a negative into a positive, i want to use my story to let other people in my situation know that they are not alone & that love if it is true is worth the fight. & to open people's eyes up also that if you are in a relationship behind the gates you should really get out of there before they get on to you. you read so many posts throughout this site about people saying you committed the crime so you need to deal with it & accept the consequences of your actions. & i am accepting of the fact that in the eyes of the system what i did was wrong. but the fact that i did it for love & the fact that i never hurt anybody or jeopardized the safety of anybody in the process makes it very unfortunate that they would come at me with such severe consequences. i am always praying for the best, but no matter the outcome i do believe that i have been blessed with the love of my life & with this opportunity to strengthen our love to the point where there is nothing that could separate us after all that we've been through.

since a lot of you have been posting about the way that your parents & family have responded to your relationship...how many of you have positive relationships with his family? in my situation, his mother has been there for me through this even before my parents had a clue. she has been so supporting of our love & continuously thankful for all of the blessings that i have brought to her son. the fact that his family has been so accepting of me helps me remain positive for our future!

i'm ready for the sun to come back out in my life & i'm ready to hold my baby in my arms again!

roddricks...i'm praying the best for your situation hon! i have to ask...were you caught before you quit or did you even want to quit? and how long were you two considering a relationship before they found out?

my hubby's family loves me, as i love them...most of them anyway. alot of his family doesn't have a clue about whether he's doing fine or not, and that's ok. those who HE talks to, i talk to, and we get along just fine. his aunts tell me that they'll love me no matter what, and that means alot to me.

i also get alot of encouragement from his family--because they know him better than anyone else other than himself. so it's good to hear them encouraging us both, and letting me know that he's a good person with a good heart and that i'm the best thing for him. they are really there for me in alot of ways, and all i can do is be there for them too.

i just had thanksgiving dinner with his family and it turned out really nice :)

mrschris - i had every intention of quitting...but he got locked up under investigation & i didn't want to up & quit to draw any attention to me like why all of a sudden is she just quitting? but all of the other inmates (snitches) gave them the information they needed which led them to me. we were together for at least 7 months i'd say before he got locked up (sent to the hole) under investigation. i met him soon after i started working there & after a few months we started to communicate on a more personal level & it just got deeper & deeper from there.

that's wonderful that you got such a great relationship with your man's family & that you were able to spend the holidays with them! you are so right that the support & encouragement that they can offer is like no other because they know him for who he is & not for the mistakes he's made in the past.

Ladies, I just wanted to tell you all to take care.
My phone is scheduled to be turned off sometime today, and I got other things I need to take care of instead of that high azz bill.
I really hope I'm not away TOO long, as I've grown so addicted to this place and the support I've gotten while here. You all really know how to make someone feel better.
Hopefully that letter to my company's manager gets to him, about them not giving me 40 hours.

So, ladies, be good, luv you all.... hopefully I'll talk to you all sometime before christmas, if not... tax time it's on !!! :thumbsup:


Note: If it's still on when I wake up... I'll see you all then. :p
If not .... PEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAACCCCCCCCCCCCCEEEEEEEEEE :cool:

mrs...girl you'd better get a local library card and sign on from there! i know i've done it in the past! either that or a friend's house! anyway...we'll be here...i know the stress you're feeling and i'm praying for you and it to get better!

mrschris - i had every intention of quitting...but he got locked up under investigation & i didn't want to up & quit to draw any attention to me like why all of a sudden is she just quitting? but all of the other inmates (snitches) gave them the information they needed which led them to me. we were together for at least 7 months i'd say before he got locked up (sent to the hole) under investigation. i met him soon after i started working there & after a few months we started to communicate on a more personal level & it just got deeper & deeper from there.

that's wonderful that you got such a great relationship with your man's family & that you were able to spend the holidays with them! you are so right that the support & encouragement that they can offer is like no other because they know him for who he is & not for the mistakes he's made in the past.

aww wow. i'm so sorry that happened. i was just a tad TOO nervous to hang around even before we got WAY serious, because i knew it was headed there, lol...so i wound up dumping the job before it dumped me! i did stick around maybe a month and some change or so after i'd decided that i could give him a chance though, so i know how you were feeling. it's amazing that you guys made it that long before anything happened. the DOC grapevine is the largest and loudest grapevine there is!

I was an ex co and i was fired after our relationship was discovered. I was a co for 8 years and never once did i think of it until i met the man im with now. I was allowed to visit for 3 years after I resigned but, when a former co worker was transfered to the place he was at he told the warden i was a co and I wa sremoved from his list. I was told it is up to the warden if i'm allowed to visit or not.

I was an ex co and i was fired after our relationship was discovered. I was a co for 8 years and never once did i think of it until i met the man im with now. I was allowed to visit for 3 years after I resigned but, when a former co worker was transfered to the place he was at he told the warden i was a co and I wa sremoved from his list. I was told it is up to the warden if i'm allowed to visit or not.
See THAT is what gets your ass kicked, NOT minding your business.

Welcome to PTO BTW.... :D


Ladies, here's a real winner for you. (http://www.prisontalk.com/forums/showthread.php?t=303058)

mrs. stone cold - first off glad to see you are still here!
loved the link that you put on your last post...i didn't want to post a response to that one...cause i can't stand closed minded people...but i had to do it & i tried to be respectful...you gotta rise above the haters! everyone should check that post out!!

mrs. stone cold - first off glad to see you are still here!
loved the link that you put on your last post...i didn't want to post a response to that one...cause i can't stand closed minded people...but i had to do it & i tried to be respectful...you gotta rise above the haters! everyone should check that post out!!
YES !! I'm surprised as you are LOL, I called my house from my cell and it rung LMAO... I said, okay, time for PTO. :D

Trust me, it took EVERYTHING in me not to respond to that.

Compassionate and Mrs Stone Cold- Thanks! I have to admit I have a great mom; she is the best! She has really been great throughout all of this. The prison has made it really rough on us and without her support I would be crazier than I already am.
I wish everyone had the support I do. It makes this hell a lot easier.
Thanks again for wishing Jason and me the best; that just makes my day. I wish all of you guys the best too.

roddrick's baby-I just wanted to wish you the best of luck. I can't imagine what I would have done had the prison tried to bring charges against me. I am really surprised they didn't actually. You are so right about them hating anyone the is compassionate towards the inmates or just people in general. Hang in there; best of luck to you and your guy.

Roddrick's Baby, your very welcome. When you go through these rough moments, you need support. To be honest with you, I still wrestle with my emotions, but I'm accepting them slowly and more than before. As you said, I know I had good intentions and sincerity. Nothing else. At this point, J and I are with I call FWF--Friends With Feelings. I don't know what will happen, but I'm definitely thankful to have our connection back. God always has a plan. I just have to trust Him and not get flighty when things don't go the way I want them to. I agree with everything you said too about jealousy and people's motives, and just putting it behind me. Most times I bring it up now because I want to know where he was at when everything went down. Aside from that, I can't wait till he comes home. I may cry when I see him again.

As for what you said in the rest of your post and also on that other thread--very well said. You found your loved one and the man you're connected to. It just so happens that he was an inmate and you were a CO. It doesn't make your love invalid or less worthy than other relationships where the couple knew each other before incarceration came into the picture. I think there's a lot of insecurity in that thread you posted, and also fear because for wives and girlfriends of incarcerated men, they don't see him everyday as do the COs. They may get their mail, phone calls, and visits, but they're not with their men and that's difficult for them (an understatement, yes). At the same time, it doesn't justify them boxing in all COs as just going after their men. Some COs act inappropriately--both male and female. Some are just doing their job. And some, like in this thread, find their soulmate. And you know what? More power to them. We need more love in this world anyway...

Waitin_4_J (What a coincidence, both of our loved ones have the same first name!) Thank you for the well wishes. I've been able to find support through others. My parents are mixed...I haven't told them about my feelings. I did tell them I'd keep in touch with J when he gets out...so whatever happens, happens from there. Because you've been given that support, you're able to give it back to others. A beautiful cycle if you think about it! :)

How do you tell your parents? How do you convince them he is not violent, even though he did time for murder? How do you convince them you know your child is safe with him?
The parole officer left a bright green door tag on my front door, mom found it, she lives down the road. He gets out next week.

Well, I saw this thread and had to jump in and tell my story. There are some who will probably judge me, but that’s ok, I’ve got far greater problems at this point than being judged by the court of public opinion!

I met my man after being @ the DOC for a couple of years. I follow a code of ethics and logically, knew better than to get involved with someone who was a client, although technically he was not *my* client (long story).

I saw this man on a regular basis (several hours a day several days a week). Let me just say that although I’d seen other attractive men there, I’d never given them a second thought. I figured, “If they’re wearing a uniform [either side of the gate, incidentally--LOL, but particularly "prison issue"], I don’t want anything to do with them.”

Things were different with my man and me from the beginning. I still remember the first day I saw him. He stood in my doorway and I accused him of “trying to play a game on me”. All he’d done was introduce himself to me! LOL. I think in hindsight I felt threatened by the chemistry we shared. I didn’t know what to make of it, I just knew it shouldn’t be happening.

As I said, I saw him regularly over the next several months. My attraction to him only grew. He’s very headstrong—so am I—so we would have heated discussions over charged issues we disagreed with, but underlying the tension, was always the attraction we felt for one another. Finally, one day we were sitting together without anyone else around, and he asked me, “How honest can I be with you?” I responded, “Brutally.” (He later told me if I’d answered just about anything else, he would not have opened himself up to me the way he did.) I knew at that point there was no going back. We both revraled what we felt for each other. Needless to say, some professional boundaries were broken by me that day.

The following day, he gave me a long letter, to which I responded. We started to communicate back and forth in this way for many months. We talked about just about everything. In fact eventually I got a PO box for him to write because it looked suspicious to be passing notes every day. There was nothing I couldn’t share with him through letter or conversation, although at first, I entered very hesitantly. I didn’t divulge much personal information about myself at all. After several months, however, I found myself opening up to him. Part of this is because of the face to face interactions we were still having on a daily basis. Amidst the butting heads about our sore point issues (which we still did, LOL--but I enjoyed the intellectual conversations with him), there was also much constructive bonding and sharing happening in other areas. I truly got to know him and love him as a person.

What did/do I love about this man? Everything!!!…His looks, personality, intelligence, insight, drive, passion…He was everything I could have wanted. And amazingly, I was everything he wanted in a mate too, or so he said. He’s never been married (I’m divorced), but said he hoped that when he got out, things would progress to marriage between us. We found ourselves having many conversations about how we might possibly work around the systems we were both bound to in order to make this relationship work. There was no doubt, we were fighting an uphill battle. He is a felon and a convicted SO. I had my profession and the risks involved there, as well as my job to worry about, because I loved my job (and still do). Nonetheless, we talked about sacrifices we’d be willing to make for one another, including me quitting to work somewhere else. A job is just a job!! (Now, my professional license is another story, but read on...) Sure, I love/d what I do, but it would be fully worth it to work elsewhere and still be able to have this relationship with him. Meanwhile, we were getting to know one another better. I truly loved him more deeply with each new day I got to know him. It dawned on me that regardless of what transpired between us romantically in the future, he had become my best friend.

I introduced the concept of him to my children. They eventually warmed to the idea. They knew I’d been without a boyfriend in years, and not having their dad in their lives, they welcomed the idea of a male being around when he got out. He also embraced the idea of being a father figure to them. He sent them cards and even spoke with them over the phone once. We (the kids and I) had many talks about people and how they can change. His offenses (committed over a decade ago) were against adults, not children, which made me willing to introduce him into their lives eventually. (I didn’t go into great detail about the nature of his offenses, but did share enough with them that they understood that he’d violated the boundaries of another human being.)

Finally the day came that he was to get out. He called me half an hour after he got out the door, even though he had his family there and it was emotionally charged for him. (Part of this was to alleviate the fear I had that he would simply disappear, never to be heard from again once he got his freedom!) He said he had to go see his PO right away, and would call me later. I wished I could have been with him to greet him right outside the door, along with his family! I also wished I could have gone to meet his PO. Being an SO, his restrictions are such that he needs the PO’s approval for ANY relationship (of a romantic/sexual nature) that he gets into. Well, he went to this meeting, and it didn’t go good at all. He was anxious to get the issue of seeing me out on the table. He told him my first name, gave him my cell phone number when asked how I could be contacted, and (big mistake) told him what profession I’m in. All was going ok, according to him, til he revealed to the PO that I had children. Suddenly, the PO was very suspicious. He started prying into more about me, and my man said enough for him to determine that we’d met on the inside. I’m still upset about the fact that he revealed so much when my professionalism is at stake, but I wasn’t there. I know the way the PO went about it was very coercive, or he wouldn’t have fallen into revealing what he did, the way he did.

Well, the PO was adamant. He would not approve the relationship. The next week was a flurry of phone calls, IMs, and text messages, as well as seeing each other over web cams. We figured maybe if we couldn’t see each other (face to face), this would tide us over until the time came for him to get off parole. However, the next week, the PO gave him his conditions. They specifically included a restriction that he not have any form of contact whatsoever in any form with ME (my first name was in quotes, along with my profession and where I work). The PO also told him he’s turned in the info to his supervisor, so an investigation may well be in the works soon, as well as a loss of my job. My man has to take polygraph tests, and was told he will be specifically tested over whether we’ve had contact. I’m not selfish enough to demand that our relationship should mean more to him than doing more time, which would be counterproductive to both of us.

I’m still reeling from the heartbreak, hurt, shock and fear I feel. One day without this man seems like too much, especially after getting to see/speak with him regularly. Now, not only can’t I see him in person, I can’t communicate with him at all.

Our last conversation, after he’d been told no contact (after this one) period or he would go back to prison, he took down my full name, email, phone number, cell #, address, parents’ phone number, etc. before telling me he loved me and goodbye. He says he will set it aside in a safe place, and when he gets off parole, he will look me up and contact me. When he does, if I am not attached to anyone else by this point, he will marry me the very next day. So he says…

Meanwhile, he doesn’t want to make any promises to me about our relationship until he gets back in touch. He said if he did now, and follows the normal desire to have SOME sort of sexual contact with another woman (which obviously is pretty likely over the next SEVERAL years), he will feel like he has cheated on me. He said he also did not want me to be held back waiting for him. However he then reiterated that the day he was off paper, he would be back in touch with me. I told him to do whatever he must do to meet his sexual needs with someone else his PO approves of, but to save his heart for me, for when he gets off paper. However, realistically, I can’t expect him not to move on after a number of years. Especially since we are to have NO form of communication in the meantime. I have to face the very real possibility that I may never actually hear from him again, despite the fact that he has the best intentions at heart right now.

At this moment, I literally feel like I‘m grieving the death of a loved one. Time heals all wounds…but right now I’m sad, lonely, and depressed about what’s transpired. I’m finding it hard to imagine being able to just move on and forget this wonderful man, and on top of it all, I’m still waiting for the axe to fall at work, with an announcement that I’m being investigated, or facing professional sanctions, as well.

Well, thanks for letting me share my (way too long) story. Been lurking here for months (under another name—given the circumstances, I switched to a more generic username than my previous one), but this is my first actual post. Strangely, although I guess I no longer qualify as having an “MWI” relationship, I feel comforted by being here amidst others who do. Things couldn’t have turned out worse for me. I’m happy for, and envious of, all of you who have a successful experience. For my man and me, I guess it just was not meant to be, although I wish to God things could be different. Good to meet you all, and let the flogging begin …

Xinmateluvr123, welcome to PTO! Stick around, you'll find tons of support here. I'm thankful for your post, it's a very unique situation. All of our situations are unique and it's always thoughtful to hear what someone else is experiencing. No need to apologize for long posts---if you gotta say it and get it off your chest, then write to your heart's content. You never know who'll read it and realize that they're not alone in their situation. Therein lies the power of posting on these forums.


That said, I'm truly sorry that this the situation with your loved one has went in this direction. It sounds like he wanted to be honest with the PO because eventually the truth would've surfaced, and it may've gotten him and you in more trouble. At the same time, it's costing you and him the relationship. I believe if you are meant to be together, then nothing can hold you apart, not the system, not the PO, not any amount of years. I know that sounds idealistic and fantasy like, but what I'm saying is don't give up hope.


You two have been so forthright and honest with each other about the possibilities of not seeing each other again, what may happen if you see each other again, or what to do with the situation--allow this to strengthen your bond and don't forget each other. Always remember the bond you share and how special it is. The system is ugly and full of rules and regulations and ethics--but beyond all that, it's about human beings, their lives, values, experiences, emotions, and connections. Love, true love, is BIGGER than the system.

Again, I'm sorry that this isn't working out the way you and him planned; and at the same time, these obstacles can do either two things: 1. tear you two apart, 2. make you two stronger and more connected. Pray that it will be the second, since it sounds like you and him really have a special connection. Please keep us updated and stay on PTO---you'll make great friends here who are there to help and encourage you!!!

Good to meet you all, and let the flogging begin …
Definitely no floggin here hun, only luv.
I know it's no consolation, but I am really sorry about all this.
I sincerely hope that your livelyhood is not threatened by this. I really hate to hear of people going through hardships (mental, financial, or legal) because of who they've decided to love.
I'm not understanding how they could 'approve' a relationship. I think even for a SO, that's an invasion of privacy. As long as he's a law abiding citizen, I don't see why they have to know who he's in a relationship with.

Big hugs to you hun. If you ever need to talk, there's a whole group here that will be glad to listen. :)


EDIT: Hold on....What does floggin mean ? Something negative right ?

Thank you so much for replying to me. Your response had me in tears. So few understand what I am going through. And there are even fewer I could or can share my experience with. So it feels very isolating and lonely. Even when things were wonderfully between him and I, it was still a very isolating feeling to not be able to share with others who would understand!

Your words of consolation are exactly what I needed to hear. I know it sounds romantic and idealistic, but I so much want to believe that this can be worked out some how. His conditions can change, or perhaps he can get off parole early, or, at the very least, after the wait, he hasn't forgotten about me. I mean I know he won't, but things change, you know? Several years' time can change circumstances, and people.

One thing I know for sure (he and I discussed this before we got the official "no contact at all" ban)...if/when he does contact me by the end of this all, I have no reservation about knowing what our chances together are. If something can be worked out for us to be together after this much presently working to tear us apart, how could I ever doubt for a second that we are meant to be together? This is where yoiur words come in about trying to see this experience as a tie that further will bind us when the time is up. But in the meantime, wow, is this going to be a long and painful wait.

Thank you again for your response and for making me feel very welcome here! He used to wonder why I was so gung-ho to recommend this site to others...now I really hope he'll check the site out himself and hopefully find some support through this situation too. (Although after just getting out, he might want nothing to do with discussing the prison experience!)

Again, thanks for the welcoming response.

Yes, LOL, a flogging would be a whipping/beating of sorts. I've been reading through this entire thread and I've noticed a few respondants don't exactly approve of others falling for incarcerated individuals, least of all expressing their feelings from within the walls. All I can say to that is believe me, you can't choose who you fall in love with. As I told my man (when I was still fighting my attraction to him), "I didn't come here to meet a man." It most certainly was NOT my plan or intention. Sure I could have done some things differently, and wish I had. Others I wouldn't, because I can't, & don't, regret meeting him for one second.

Yes, it is very unfair!! They can dictate his conditions to the 'T'. I wish I could reveal what state I'm from to illustrate, but look on your state's website or otherwise find their parole conditions. My state definitely has a set of "regular" conditions, vs. a 'special' set of "sex offender" conditions. Ugghh!! And I've seen other states w/ the same restriction:

"You shall not establish a dating, intimate, or sexual relationship with anyone without prior approval of the Probation/Parole Agent and/or treatment clinician." (That was taken directly off a website -- Wisconsin's) and I've found other states in which SO's "special" parole conditions are spelled out, but I am restricted from posting the URLs.

Anyway, I'm not here to advocate for sex offender rights or lack thereof. Please don't misunderstand me. I think certain offenders need certain conditions, but not all people convicted of sex offenses have similar dynamics or circumstances. Shouldn't they go by what makes the most sense on an individual, case-by-case basis? Instead, it's one-size-fits all. (My man is very grown-up about the fact that he brought these restrictions upon himself.)

It does seem unconstitutional and unfair. Especially since it's now not only a potential sexual relationship, but a friendship, or relationship of any sort whatsoever between us, that is being prohibited. Yes, it does seem VERY unconstitutional!!

What gets my gall the most is that the 'system' seems so unconcerned with whether he makes it. I mean, if having ME in his life would help reduce his chances of recidivism, on any kind of offense--due to having emotional/social support, another person on his side, whatever other benefits it might provide him--could that truly be bad?!? Seems to me it would HELP him stay out, if that's truly what they were interested in accomplishing. So I have to wonder how invested they really are in his success. Luckily, he has very strong family support too. I have to believe they'll take good care of him until his time is up.

I really appreciate your supportive response and welcome!

Edit: PS: Regarding my job, I will let you know if anything negative goes down. I'm actually putting out feelers on other opportunities now, too. For one thing, the oppressive nature of the system is really starting to get to me--especially now. Also, a change of venue would definitely help to lessen the future consequences of being with my man, for both him & I.

xinmate, welcome to pto!

Thank you mrschris. I already feel "at home" and have a feeling this will be a very good place to be...just sorry to be arriving here at my worst. :cry:

Seven's Girl, that's a great question. Hopefully, someone will come along and answer it. I guess I wonder the same question, because people have their views on prisoners as it is, but when it's for a violent or sexual offense...it's even more of a stigma.

---

Don't even mention it, xinmateluvr123. :)

I understand how it feels to think that very few understand, and even fewer that you can share your experience with. That's why it's great to have this site and forum. We can find others to support us through this and who have understanding of what it's like, even if our stories are different.

True, his conditions can change, and yes, years can change how you view each other. Time is a good tester, and yes, several years can change circumstances and people. It does happen, and it's important that you keep that in mind. It's not something you want to think about, but it is realistic and a possibility. It can be a long and painful wait. You don't know what will happen, if you'll ever have contact again. It is a scary and very sad thing.

I'm not sure what you believe in/don't believe in, and please don't take this as me shoving religion or any type of faith down your throat, but if you do have faith or spirituality, then I suggest praying to God about this situation. Again, I hope I'm not offending you.

And yes, that's a good point you bring up -->If something can be worked out for us to be together after this much presently working to tear us apart, how could I ever doubt for a second that we are meant to be together? It's definitely something to think about. Especially if time passes and you still have feelings for each other.

It'd be great if he checks the site out. You know, it'd be interesting to hear what our loved ones for MWI in these situations feel about the experience, what they'd write about it...

Today's my birthday... YAY !!

Going to sleep now... Geez, I sure know how to party like it's 19...... wait.... Damn.

Happy Birthday, Mrs Stone Cold!!!

Happy Birthday Lady!!!

mrs. stone cold...I hope you have a happy birthday!!

```
Compassionate, your name fits you well. Thanks for being so understanding.

Yes, I do lean on my faith; in fact, that was one thing that drew my man & I together.

Looking back, our relationship had so much synchronicity...Often I would be sitting a certain way, and I'd look over at him and realize he was sitting the same way (unknowingly, because he wasn't looking my way)....finishing each other's sentences, or him saying the exact thing I was about to say...things like that happened often between us.

One example of this synchronicity has to do with religion/faith. He had mentioned his beliefs openly, but never pressed me about mine. (I wouldn't have revealed them anyway, because of the setting.) But something compelled me to open up and share them in a letter to him...this was toward the first few months of knowing him, when I was still hesitant about dropping the guard, so this was a big deal for me to reveal my own faith to him. I put it this way: "I know you haven't pressed me about this, but I want to tell you, because I know it's an important question for you, wondering what my beliefs are." I don't know what made me say that?

Well, he said afterward that he was so glad to hear that I had these beliefs, because he couldn't be with someone who didn't share similar beliefs. And that he had felt it was important to have ME profess my beliefs, not to hear my answer just because he asked. So from that point, we felt the higher power we both answer to, had drawn us together. He even shared with me later that he had prayed for the right woman to enter his life, and this was shortly before we met, so that further strengthened everything between us, because he believed I was the answer to that prayer. (He didn't tell me about the prayer though until a few months ago).

For these reasons, I do rely on my beliefs in a very strong way, and just have to trust that God would not have brought us this far for no reason; there has to be a purpose in this, even if he and I don't understand it at the moment. I also have to believe that HE will reunite us when the time is right.

Well I don't want to come across too strongly with my beliefs because I know it can offend others who don't want to hear the "religious talk", so I apologize for anyone I might have offended by sharing this. But to answer your reply, Compassionate, yes, this faith is the backbone of our relationship. I believe God is our only HOPE that things will work out between us after all the trials we've faced and are continuing to face, as well.

Compassionate,
Thank you! I am still at a lose as to what to say. I know he is not violent, it was a murder, he wasn't the one who did the shooting. It was related to drug dealing and it was 16 years ago. Yet, mom and dad have never had any dealings with prisoners or anything like it ever, so they are like most and see what the crime is and think the worst. Wonderful parents, but not sure how to introduce him. Then, on top of that, we met at work, hence MWI, and I lost my job.

Oh well, he will be home in 4 more days!!! We will work it out!

Seven's Girl,

Although I wish I could be in your position now (at least he will be home soon and you and he can sort it out together), I don't envy you. We were working on hashing issues like these out, because I knew my parents were not going to like the fact that he was not only a felon, just out of prison, but an SO to boot. (I'm also still nervous about the future status of my job, due to getting into my relationship...so I feel for you there too.) So just having had to think all these issues over, knowing we had no easy road ahead, I know you two are going to face some challenges too. The wonderful thing is that you and he have each other!! No matter what the rest of the world thinks of you, hang on to your love for one another. The rest will hopefully work itself out.

Oh well, he will be home in 4 more days!!! We will work it out!

You lucky wench !!! :p :p :p
Don't hurt yourself !!! ;)



Thank you for the birthday wishes ladies. :D
Nothing says ringing in your 27th right, like going to work and crying !!! :thumbsup:


EDIT: awwwww, we were supposed to get married TODAY !!! :(
That makes me even MORE sad. :(

Happy Birthday Stone!!!

Thanks for the replies!

No answers, but just getting the question out helps.

Yes, I am lucky and grateful he is coming home! I think hurting myself sounds good!!!! It has been so long I think I have forgotten what it even like! Wench I am, and glad to be! Your day will come too, hopefully!

And happy birthday Stone!

xinmateluvr123,

Thanks about the name. :) Being on this site, and amongst others who are understanding and encouraging to me has been priceless. Giving it back to one another really helps.


That's great that you and your man share a common faith. It sounds like you both compliement each other very well, synchronicity, common beliefs, and just being on the same wavelength. I like how you approached sharing your faith with him. You didn't push it on him, but you professed what you believe in, and from there he was able to share that he had this in common with you. It also strengthens your bond together, that you have a common faith, and that he even prayed about a right woman coming into his life.


With J, I'm not sure what he believes. The day I went to visit him, I met a guy in McDonalds who gave me a Bible. I was going to give the Bible to J, but he didn't come down, and even after we settled the visiting situation, he never mentioned what I told him about the Bible. I'm not sure if he's not open to it, if he's still practicing Islam (he was when I first met him) and if having the Bible would offend him. I keep it for when I see him again.


I admire you for allowing your faith and beliefs to carry you through this difficulty. I've been doing my best to do this, even though I get discouraged at times. Thanks to a recent pm from Mrschris, I really feel I have to trust God on this. Sometimes our faith is all we have, especially when nothing makes sense, and chaos is running rampant all around you.

For these reasons, I do rely on my beliefs in a very strong way, and just have to trust that God would not have brought us this far for no reason; there has to be a purpose in this, even if he and I don't understand it at the moment. I also have to believe that HE will reunite us when the time is right. <-----I really like how you wrote this--about trusting in God to reunite you both, and trusting that He wouldn't bring you this far for no reason. God always has a reason for what He does even if we don't understand it at the time. It's hard to believe that when you're going through the situation, but once you can truly accept it in your mind and heart, you can feel some peace that things are going to work out--maybe not in the way you expect or hope, but that they'll work out on God's time.


I gotta share this. Many months ago, when I was in church service, I was asking God for the 35,353th time: when will I see J again? When will I hear from him? I swear to you, and others may think I'm crazy, but this is what I heard in my mind...because I learned that God communicates to us in many different ways---through other people, in our thinking, through circumstance. The answer I got was this: My timing is perfect. It wasn't, no, you won't see J again, and it wasn't, yes, you'll see him again. It was in God's timing.


Well, months later I found out he was locked up again, and after praying and fasting and talking it over with valued friends, I wrote to him and he responded back. This was after 2 years of no contact, where I didn't hear from him, and he didn't hear from me. I'm not sure if this is the timing that God was speaking of. I mean, I think it is, and other times, I wonder if it also speaks to when I'll see J face-to-face again. Either way, I feel God answered my prayers---just not on my timing, but His own. No one understands the way God works because His ways and thinking are much higher than ours, but if anything, I have faith that He'll work things out the way He sees fit. I just have to trust in Him. So all I can say is keep the faith! Sometimes it's all we have, and often times, it's the best thing we can rely on. If you like, we can talk more via pm's. :)

----


Seven's Girl,

Congratulations on your loved one coming home soon in a few days. You must be really excited! It sounds like your friend got guilty by association or that he was with those who did the shooting, and that alone got him grouped with the other guys. Maybe what you can do is introduce him and if they have questions, explain the situation, how he's worked hard during the time he was locked up, and his future goals to be successful. Your situation is very tricky though given that your MWI and met him at work. We should start a new thread about how to tell our parents. There might be an old thread like that pages back, but we can alway start a new one. I'm sure it'll many others who are experiencing the same situation or something similar to it.

Compassionate,
Thanks again for the encouraging words. I think you are right about him speaking on his growth during his time locked up. I know he showed his character inside since I have known him. He was considered a friend by many of the people from the Warden on down the line, not all prisoners have this ability. I know that these officials can tell a fake a mile away after being in over 30 years for some of them. I know in time my parents will come to love him, it is just the initial, no job, just out of prison, in for murder, a black man, from the inner city, father did time, brother doing time, another doing 'whatever.'
I know my man is strong, of good character, loving, hard working and honest. These are the qualities I want them to see. It will take work, but I know once they know him, they will love him.

All that said, 34 hours and he will be home with me! I look forward to taking this next step in the relationship! I hope by next time this year, that I can come on here and tell all ex staffers that it is possible to have a relationship work out no matter what anyone says! That it was the right thing to do to follow your heart instead of the paycheck!

I wish all of you the best. I know that we each have a story to tell, our own hardships in choosing this path and ending up on this site. I believe if we stand strong and believe, have faith in God above, that things will turn out a positive way.

I will be busy now, :-), take care and thanks for letting me know I am not alone!

Thank you, Compassionate, for all you said to me.

I have to admit, today it's hard to muster what the idea of faith means for me. Nor can I see God's plan for me OR my so-called man.

The axe fell at work today, completely. They called me in and asked me a ton of questions about my relationship with him. They were trying to catch me in lies, because they then revealed they know more than what they were letting on. Then it was a series of "Did you...?" questions.

The long and short of it: I'm fired. They threatened me by saying I've committed a felony by writing to him. And the issue of my professional license is still up in the air.

What really hurts is that they said they met with him this afternoon, before calling me in. Apparently he told them just about everything, (although he had told me to keep as tight-lipped as possible to stay out of trouble). He told them the extent and duration of our relationship, including lots of personal details that they used to screw me today.

Why would he do this?? I can only guess that his PO's boss called in what he'd said, they decided to investigate and sent officials out to talk to him, and he felt pressured to confess everything. Of course, he doesn't want to go back to prison, so he must have felt he had to tell all to stay out. They said he was "just trying to do the right thing" (the implication being--unlike me, with no morals or values...they even accused me of having no professional ethics, versus him, who was, and I quote, "completely in the right"). It really made me mad and confused. Here they built him up to be faultless, vs. me being deceitful and a liar, when what he did on the inside was just as wrong as what I did. And having no way to communicate with him, I have no way to know why he told everything he did.

According to my (now ex, I guess) boss, it's "typical of these guys to get out and sing like a bird". The implication being, "he never cared for you, it was all a game to him"...I think he used those exact words. Actually when I think about it, there are some pretty damning details that he left out, or they just never came up when I was confronted today. I would assume that leaving these out meant he was trying to minimize my risk as little as possible, although I still think revealing as much as he did shows who he is truly concerned about--himself, not me.

I guess I'll never know until his 3-5 years is up, and he either contacts me or he doesn't. Luckily I already have an interview for another lined up, but I'm in shock. I'm in shock that he revealed so much, I'm in shock that I lost the job that I love(d), and I'm in shock about the events of the whole day. Oh, and did I mention, scared out of my mind as far as what might happen next...?

Well, thanks for letting me vent...

xinmate .... :grouphug: .... I wish I could give you a hug. :(

I wish I could be so eloquent and insightful as compassionate. I'm not that good with words. :o But I'm sorry this is costing you your job. But I'm praying that's all it is, hopefully your new position will come through and you can begin healing and moving on with your life.

But I know how hard it is to have faith... the state is trying to blackball me from other jobs because of how I left... I'm hearing my background is comming back bad, and I don't have a criminal record. I just quit one day. This is now starting to play on my home life, because, you know, I have bills to pay. Everyone says, it's okay, everything will be alright. And it's really hard to see that right now. It's like things are only getting worse.

I'm responding very briefly and will add more in-depth thoughts in a few days. I'll keep checking on the thread.

Seven's Girl, I'm happy for you! You must be very excited to see him!

Xinmateluvr123, I'm truly sorry for what's occured. I don't even know what to say. I pm'd you. Please know that you're in my thoughts and prayers. Nothing said at this point will make you feel better. Just know that you can come here and vent. I'll send you a 2nd pm.

Xinmateluvr123, I have been following your story, and I am very sorry. I can only hope that the whole situation works out for the best, and that you are able to move on with your life without any charges or professional repercussions, and enjoy whatever the future holds for you.

Lattelady

Xinmateluvr123, I have been following your story, and I am very sorry. I can only hope that the whole situation works out for the best, and that you are able to move on with your life without any charges or professional repercussions, and enjoy whatever the future holds for you.

Lattelady

^^^ I second that 100%.

....the state is trying to blackball me from other jobs because of how I left... I'm hearing my background is comming back bad, and I don't have a criminal record. I just quit one day. This is now starting to play on my home life, because, you know, I have bills to pay. Everyone says, it's okay, everything will be alright. And it's really hard to see that right now. It's like things are only getting worse.

I completely know what your going through. I had it real hard when I first quit. Couldn't get a job, couldn't pay my bills. Had to resort to "other" ways to pay my bills. It was horrible. I know its hard to believe, but it will get better. I did a lot of praying and had some good people on my side! Good luck and I will keep u in my prayers!

Xinmateluvr123-I, too, have been following your story and I am so sorry for what you are going through. All I can is it usually does get worse before it gets better but it will eventually get better. Remember you are not alone; we are all here just a post away. Hang in there. You are definitely in my thoughts.

....According to my (now ex, I guess) boss, it's "typical of these guys to get out and sing like a bird". The implication being, "he never cared for you, it was all a game to him"...I think he used those exact words. Actually when I think about it, there are some pretty damning details that he left out, or they just never came up when I was confronted today. I would assume that leaving these out meant he was trying to minimize my risk as little as possible, although I still think revealing as much as he did shows who he is truly concerned about--himself, not me......

They said this to me too when I got into trouble 6 months after I quit...tried to tell me he probobly had other girls he was talking to also...yeah right...we been married 6 months as of this friday!! :D He probobly just wanted everyone to know who he loves...:)

I met my husband and fell in love with him while working at the prison. I lost my job. My husband never said anything when questioned about a relationship between us. I know that IA will lie to you to find out whatever they suspect may be true. It happened to me. In the end I now have a better job; i have made more money than ever. My husband and I married 8 months after I left my job. I wasn't fired for they had no real evidence that we were having a relationship but I knew that after all that I would never be able to see him again.I resigned and the relationship he and I have has only grown stronger. The only problem we have is police says that a previous employee cannot visit for two years. It has been over a year now so I'm counting down the time until we can see each other face to face again. Our commitment is strong and the love is awesome. Like has already been told. Things will get better. It really does get greater later. :)

Robnlynw, you bring up a really goodpoint: that the IA will lie just to find out what they suspect is true. I'm wondering now if they lied to Xinmateluvr, just so they could formulate a story to catch both parties off guard.

Thank you all so much for the well wishes, posts, and PM's.

I'n really sorry if my story has kinda monopolized this thread recently, I am just going thru a really tough time at the moment, and so far, things just seem to be going downhill fast.

I am sorry if I sound like a pathetic victim in what I'm saying. Ultimately, I am responsible for what's happening to me. I sure could have made different choices. Of coure, I got the training that the inmates are the enemy, and the question I was asked today is WHY didn't I come to let them know "This" was happening before it progressed. Well, simple answer, I was falling in love, and didn't want the man to be taken from me! But now look what it's cost me, including him. If nothing else, quitting *immediately* after realizing I had feelings for my man would've been in order. Lots of people are asking how the state can dictate who he associates with; believe me, in his case they can. And b/c we had written each other (which they only found out thru HIM telling them today), they say I was trafficking in contraband (hence the threat of charges). I understand the concept, although I don't see how it threatened security to write a bunch of gushy love letters. Call me niave...

By the same token, rules are rules, and I realize this. I never once thought, "I'm so special, I shouldn't have to abide by the same rules everyone else follows." I just began to follow my heart, and stopped using my head at that point. I did think "I could get away with this, and still have him in my life" especially since he was getting released Not because I relished breaking rules but because I would've moved heaven and earth to have him in my life!! I truly thought the worst of it was over when he got paroled. Again, how niave of me.

I just wanted to let everyone know I will respond more personally later. For now I have to go to bed. As always, at times of extreme stress, my first response is to want to fall asleep!! Strange, I know. It literally drains all energy out of me, to have to process something this major and its impact, I guess. I will respond more another day, that is, if y'all haven't grown completely weary of my saga. Thanks for the support, guys--I really don't know where else I'd be able to turn, at this point! :(

You made the choices you made b/c you were in love. Who ever would have thought it would turn out this way right? When I worked on the inside I thought just like you did. I think we all do at least to some extent.
When everything went down with J and I, I was asked the same questions you were; J was asked the same questions; their investigative techniques at there best. Who'd ever think letters could cause so much drama.
Anyways, hang in there. There is a reason for all of this.

Well let me throw my story in the mix and see if anyone knows what I should do...First off I am currently an employee at a prison but not a CO, I'm a nurse anyway...My man is currently in prison at another facilty NOT the one I work for...The problem is we ARE getting married and I don't really care what the state thinks about it...I'm not sure if it's a crime or not since he isnt in my facilty but I love my man and the state doesnt pay enough 2 jeopardize my happiness..lol We are in the process of completing the marriage application but I know once we submit it to the DOC which is where it has to go It will be DRAMA...I want to quit first but I havent found a job yet and the date that we set is near...I don't know if I should submit it and just see if they find out or what...What I do know is I'm not allowing this low paying job to dictate my love for my man...He is my man first inmate lastly....They know I have a relationship with him he is the father of my son and plus my warden had to give me approval to visit him but I know that approval does not include MARRYING him...I'm irritated by the situtation...

Well let me throw my story in the mix and see if anyone knows what I should do...First off I am currently an employee at a prison but not a CO, I'm a nurse anyway...My man is currently in prison at another facilty NOT the one I work for...The problem is we ARE getting married and I don't really care what the state thinks about it...I'm not sure if it's a crime or not since he isnt in my facilty but I love my man and the state doesnt pay enough 2 jeopardize my happiness..lol We are in the process of completing the marriage application but I know once we submit it to the DOC which is where it has to go It will be DRAMA...I want to quit first but I havent found a job yet and the date that we set is near...I don't know if I should submit it and just see if they find out or what...What I do know is I'm not allowing this low paying job to dictate my love for my man...He is my man first inmate lastly....They know I have a relationship with him he is the father of my son and plus my warden had to give me approval to visit him but I know that approval does not include MARRYING him...I'm irritated by the situtation...

In my opinion:twocents:first off, how close are you with the warden? I ask, cause you say they know ya'll have a relationship. So if they know you have a relationship, and are still keeping you on, then there shouldn't be a problem.

Were you with your man before you got the job? Or were you hired there and he got arrested?

I'm not sure until I know what the circumstances of your meeting are. ;) I would, imo, talk to the warden First. Just let him know exactly what you told us...You love him, he comes first, plus he's at another prison. So as long as your not in crazy sc, with the stupid scdc system, then I'd say you'll be ok...Good luck!:o

hi mylil,

sounds to me like you'll be fine. because you were approved, you passed security checks. now it doesn't matter if you're married or not--you passed security, so you're ok. that's all they care about.

i say submit the paperwork and fight for your job. you aren't hiding anything and you aren't at his facility, so you're fine.

and congratulations!

Hello ladies,I have been reading these posts for quite sometime and have decided to speak to everyone. I too met my husband while I was employed with TDC, and I gave back my job, it was tough at first, but I haven't looked back since. Next year is our year, for visits and hopefully parole. I have finally found a thread where I feel very comfortable and at ease. God bless and I will surely drop in again. I think I have found a home........

welcome brwnis! :)

everyone has a lil spot around pto where they fit in with their situations...we have our own little spot too now :) .

hoping the best for the parole board and you and your man.

In my opinion:twocents:first off, how close are you with the warden? I ask, cause you say they know ya'll have a relationship. So if they know you have a relationship, and are still keeping you on, then there shouldn't be a problem.

Were you with your man before you got the job? Or were you hired there and he got arrested?

I'm not sure until I know what the circumstances of your meeting are. ;) I would, imo, talk to the warden First. Just let him know exactly what you told us...You love him, he comes first, plus he's at another prison. So as long as your not in crazy sc, with the stupid scdc system, then I'd say you'll be ok...Good luck!:o

I am not close to the warden. We have to submit a request to the warden before we are able to go see an inmate, so that's how he found out I had a relationship with an inmate. I stated that he was my son's father and I was going to see him and he sent me an approval. As long as they are aware of your intent they won't fire you, but I'm sure marrying him is against the rules. I don't know for sure but I don't want to ask anyone because then they will watch our relationship closely if it's against the rules. I have know him 20 years we have dated previously for 8 yrs and this time for the last year. He goes to the halfway house in 7 months but we are ready now!!!! I wasn't with him before I started this job but we reconnected during this time...I have never worked in a facilty he was in....

Hello ladies,I have been reading these posts for quite sometime and have decided to speak to everyone. I too met my husband while I was employed with TDC, and I gave back my job, it was tough at first, but I haven't looked back since. Next year is our year, for visits and hopefully parole. I have finally found a thread where I feel very comfortable and at ease. God bless and I will surely drop in again. I think I have found a home........
Welcome !! :D

I'm depressed.

why?? what happened?

there are so many posts on here it is hard to keep up with ya'll!

i wanted to specifically say to xinmateluvr123 that i'm truly sorry for what you are going through. i know how difficult it can be to lose your job...but i can't imagine how difficult it must be to be separated from the one you love. all you can do is stay strong & have faith that when things go bad they can only get better & i hope that things start looking up for you from here. there is a reason for everything & sometimes not until you are through it do you realize the reason that your life ever brought you to it. i too went through the whole investigation but mine was with the feds so i don't know if it is different? but they will say whatever they need to with hopes of getting a confession from you...it blows my mind that it would be considered a felony to write to him. if they do charge you over the letters (that would be ridiculous), it would be considered introduction of contraband so that would be a misdemeanor...not that it makes it any easier but definitely easier to deal with than a felony. so keep your head up because i think it's safe to say the worst is over & things can only start looking up from here.

steven's girl i am so jealous of you that your man is home. i hope that you will post & let us know how wonderful things are & i just wanted to wish you the best! it's always beautiful when stories like ours get their happy endings!

welcome BRWNIS! i'm glad that things have worked out for you in your decision to follow your heart & we are happy to have you here!

Mrs Stone Cold...why are you feeling bummed out!

alrighty...those are my few comments for the night...i am gonna try to keep up with posts because this is my favorite forum!

p.s. ~ i have court on monday so wish me luck!

wow...good luck! please keep us updated!

why?? what happened?
The usual. Can't take it anymore.

i've been pm'ing you...but no response. not sure if you got them?! well it was only two...but still!

Just a quick note:

Life is wonderful! He is home and things are going much better than I even could picture! We just got back from visiting his family, we adjusted immediately to each other in the house, him and my son get along like father and son!

Good luck to all, no time to talk now :-)

i've been pm'ing you...but no response. not sure if you got them?! well it was only two...but still!
Ummm, I haven't recieved anything from you since... The 7th.
I sent you a long one, was waiting for your response, you just said 'whatchoo doin ?' lol....

I'm also pretty sure tomorrow I won't be here anymore either... I looked on Verizon.com, phone bill is $926 !!! LMAO !!! I start my online classes the 31st, so I don't know how that's gonna work... I know how to dig myself a hole don't I ? Anyways... Will write you now.

Ladies, I know I said this before (shut up !!!) but if you don't hear from me, have a great and safe holiday !! :) Hopefully I can knock this bill down enough for them to turn it back on. :p
Then run it back up again !! :haha:

My baby and I met while I was an officer. I would never have though I would fall in love with an inmate. At first I couldn't stand him but as time went by he kind of grew on me. Our relationship was discovered after a friend of mine also an officer broke up with her boyfriend and he told teh warden about me and my man. he was transfered and I quit. I was on his list ofr 2 years after that but, they transfered him to an institution where several of my ex co workers were and they told the warden there I used to work with them. I was removed from his list and told I would not be allowed to visit again. That was in May and I havent been allowed to see him. We keep in touch by mail so unless he is transfered or the warden changes his mind I don't know when I will be allowed to see him. I will just keep doing what i'm doing because we will still be together this just makes it a bit harder.

Ummm, I haven't recieved anything from you since... The 7th.
I sent you a long one, was waiting for your response, you just said 'whatchoo doin ?' lol....

I'm also pretty sure tomorrow I won't be here anymore either... I looked on Verizon.com, phone bill is $926 !!! LMAO !!! I start my online classes the 31st, so I don't know how that's gonna work... I know how to dig myself a hole don't I ? Anyways... Will write you now.

Ladies, I know I said this before (shut up !!!) but if you don't hear from me, have a great and safe holiday !! :) Hopefully I can knock this bill down enough for them to turn it back on. :p
Then run it back up again !! :haha:

i didn't get any of your post! hmmm...but i got the latest one!

and i responded already!

*hugs girl*

My baby and I met while I was an officer. I would never have though I would fall in love with an inmate. At first I couldn't stand him but as time went by he kind of grew on me. Our relationship was discovered after a friend of mine also an officer broke up with her boyfriend and he told teh warden about me and my man. he was transfered and I quit. I was on his list ofr 2 years after that but, they transfered him to an institution where several of my ex co workers were and they told the warden there I used to work with them. I was removed from his list and told I would not be allowed to visit again. That was in May and I havent been allowed to see him. We keep in touch by mail so unless he is transfered or the warden changes his mind I don't know when I will be allowed to see him. I will just keep doing what i'm doing because we will still be together this just makes it a bit harder.

when my hubby was in a place where there was no contact our letters and phone calls were so deep that we had THAT connection that kept us going strong for about 7 months...so it can be done. stay strong and physical isn't everything...

do you have phone calls to help you guys through?

mrs chris, at least you get phone calls, you know down here in Texas, there are no phone calls (except county) so I haven't heard my husband's voice since May 6, 2005 and sometimes I sit real still just to see if I can remember what it sounds like. I cherish my letters and I send shout-outs every Sunday to him over the radio station and he will write and tell me he heard my shout-out. We won't come up for visits until may of 08 and I am keeping my fi ngers crossed. I guess I said all of that to say is that we too have that connection. I feel his spirit on me at times and I just start laughing.

mrs chris, at least you get phone calls, you know down here in Texas, there are no phone calls (except county) so I haven't heard my husband's voice since May 6, 2005 and sometimes I sit real still just to see if I can remember what it sounds like. I cherish my letters and I send shout-outs every Sunday to him over the radio station and he will write and tell me he heard my shout-out. We won't come up for visits until may of 08 and I am keeping my fi ngers crossed. I guess I said all of that to say is that we too have that connection. I feel his spirit on me at times and I just start laughing.

that thing about the shout outs on the radio is so cute. the small things are what keeps us going...you can't ever give up on the small things--they are what counts the most.

i'm so sorry you haven't heard his voice in so long...when i hear of other's stories i realize that i am blessed to have various forms of contact with my hubby here. i appreciate it, and you guys help me to remember not to take it for granted.

i am praying for you guys and your may 08 visits, i know when that time gets here it will be such a huge relief for you BOTH! man...i only went about 9 months without visits and when we held each other for that first time afterwards i felt like the weight of the world was lifted off my shoulders :o

you are one very strong lady, never forget that. :grouphug:

Thank you mrschris for your words of encouragement. I needed that. When I read about women complaining about different things, I just smile, and think to myself well, at least you get this, or at least you get that and I just say well my turn is coming, and I roll on. I just got a letter today and he has it down to a science when we should be getting our first visit, he told me May 16th (how is that for faith).

Does anyone know what happened to xinmatelvr123? Ever since she posted on here about how her situation went down, she hasn't been seen on PTO. I hope she's doing okay...her situation was really screwy and very sad.

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Brwnis, I know what you mean about not hearing his voice in nearly 3 years. I haven't seen J or heard J's voice since April 2005. We only have letters and I'm always excited when I get a letter from him. I'll carry it around and several times over. :) I hope all goes well for you when you can finally see your husband again! :)

I'm not a former c/o, but I'm a former contractual worker. I, like many in this forum never thought I would begin to have feelings for someone in the prison system. As a counselor you see people for who they are, and recognize that everyone makes mistakes in their lives, some get caught though, and some don't. Regardless, people make mistakes but are still people worthy of love and with a lot to offer on the inside. I found this out and was attracted to a man who was also attracted to me. We spent time talking and others sensed the connection and became jealous. To make a long story short, Internal Affairs caught wind of it and I was terminated and he was taken to segregation for mailing him a card and for giving him my telephone number which he put in code in his address book. Other inmates reported that they saw us kiss, and from what was told to me, he reportedly told them all sorts of things....some true, some not. I wonder if he was coearced into saying things. I don't really care either way because I know he had to tell them whatever they wanted to hear in order to keep from having them be harder on him when he goes up for administrative review. This happened on December 5th, and I have not heard what has transpired. I am waiting for him to be transferred to write to him because I don't think they'll let my letters through, and I know I can't visit him. I miss talking with him and I feel horrible that he will probably get extra time when he was supposed to be released in April. As for me, I haven't been able to find a job yet, and it's getting difficult for me. Most people wouldn't sympathize and would say that I deserve it. I guess that's why I'm in here. I need some moral support and some ears that can understand where I'm at. If you have any advise or words of encouragement, I could sure use it.

Hi FormerWorker,

Welcome to PTO! I'm truly sorry to hear about your situation. I know what you mean about having a connection with the person and people getting jealous or assuming the worst. It's terrible how this system destroys these connections and then punishes both the inmate and the worker. The inmate gets more time and the worker gets fired and is blacklisted. There are others who have experienced similar situations and hopefully, they will return to this thread to let you know how they handled it.

You won't find judgement here, especially in this thread. From what I've read in this thread, no one expected love to happen between themselves and an inmate, and when things get helter-skelter--it doesn't mean they deserved to be fired or outcasted or put down. You love who you love and you can't help whom you fall in love with. You can come here and receive an encouraging word and support. It is very hard to find support and understanding for your situation, but you'll definitely find it here. :)

Thank you so much for your kind words. I've been feeling so alone and am glad that I found this place. I really don't know what to do. I would love to write him but he hasn't been transferred to another institution, so I doubt that my letters would get through. I know that I have been banned from entering the institution where this happened at, so I know I can't visit him either. As far as I know he's still in segregation and I don't know what type of punnishment that he will get from the adjustment committee either. I was told by the people I worked with not to contact any of my former co-workers, and that I would be stupid to try to contact him since he spilled his guts to IA. I don't believe everything that they told me he said. I feel I know him better than that, and I know that people under pressure can say anything, especially if being threatened with all sorts of potential consequences. Even I was told that I could face 2-5 years for custodial sexual misconduct because they were told that I allowed him to kiss me.

So.... here I am without a job, afraid to let potential employers know that I worked at the prison and was fired, and needing to find a job badly. Then, on top of it I'm afraid to write to him in prison because I don't know if the letter will get through, or if they will give him a hard time.... or potentially try to file charges against me. I miss him so badly and want to let him know I'm here for him no matter what the outcome is. I also wonder what they might have said that I said. I didn't say anything to be honest with you. I admitted that I sent him a card which they had in an evidence bag, and that I gave him my phone number which he had in his address book, but that's it. Should I try to write to him? Will they eventually transfer him? Are they still watching him? If you have any advise, please let me know.

Anytime, former_worker.

Your situation is a difficult one and many on here feel alone, until they realize that there are others in the same position or who have had similar experiences. I think for right now, due to the situation, it'd be best to wait off on writing to him. Only because right now, they can take your letters and use them as evidence against you and him. Especially you. The system is twisted like that, and they're already threatening you with jail time. Watch your back is what I'm saying. Give it time before you write him and wait until things cool down. Anything you do now can be heavily scrutinized and even used against you. Cover yourself.


It's extremely hard to go through a situation where a connection is severed, where you've been fired. There are others who have been in a similar situation and hopefully, they'll post on here how they handled it. There are previous posts about this. All I can say is to wait it out and see what happens. If you act now, due to your emotions, it might make the situation worse. Some people in those administrations can warp and twist things to what they want it to be, believe me I know. Give it time for the smoke to blow over and hopefully you'll be in touch with him again, sooner or later. I wish I could tell you more. I hope this helps and keep us updated.

former worker,

I am so sorry you are in this situation, but glad you have found this site! I too was in your situation, not very long ago. Threats of prosecution were made, lies were told, hard to find work, bills piling up. Feeling foolish, then feeling guilty for feeling foolish, like it was betraying our love. You will make it through this. Remember, God only gives us what we can handle. It may be true love, it may have been a learning experience, but just don't regret it.

As for us, they give us a hard time to this day. Good news is that it happened, or at least went down about a year and a half ago, as of 12/5/07 he is home with me. He is on parole, but adjusting very well after a 16 year bit. He and my son are already very close, he met my parents and they like him (although we did not mention the prison time), he started a temporary job just hours ago and he already feels like the husband I knew he would be. I never would have believed I would have "fell for an inmate," but I am darn glad I did!

Hang in there, you are not alone. Just sit down and type when you are having a bad day, or moment, or month, whatever. We are here with you.

What's driving me nuts is that I want to contact him to let him know that I didn't say anything about him and that I'm out here and I still care about him. I admitted to what they had evidence of (a card and my phone number), and that's it. I don't know if they told him that I said a bunch of things that I didn't say or what. I pray that they didn't turn him against me or anything, but I can't even communicate with him to try to find out. It's driving me batty. Then, on top of that, guys who get in trouble for these sorts of things usually get transferred, but he's still in segregation. If he gets transferred, then I can write to him at least. So I'm sitting and stewing, and wondering what's going on. I'm almost out of money and I haven't had any job offers yet. The economy is bad here, and my education is keeping me from being hired at minimum wage jobs, so I can't even do that for now. What did you do as far as communicating with him after stuff hit the fan?

Wow! I sure know how you are feeling Former Worker. Not long ago I was in pretty much the same situation. I worked at my now fiance's prison (in counseling too) and I was also investigated by IA. My fiance was going up for parole 2 days before we were caught. They tried telling him I said this and that; they done the same with me, however, he and I both had discussed this and we both knew that when the s*it hit the fan neither of us would talk. I told them nothing and neither did he. They confiscated all the letters I had written him (under a fake name and with a PO box in another state) and they had two taped phone calls. They promised us both everything if we would just admit the truth. Right! He was in the hole for 7 days before we had any contact and thankfully he was able to call his dad as soon as he got out to let me know what was up. But, those 7 days were pure hell. I was on pins and needles. I was so afraid that this would ruin our relationship and the lack of contact was almost unbearable. I started writing immediately after he got out of the hole and they did hold his mail for about 2 weeks (they were letting his mail to me go out) but he was able to file a grievance and get all of his mail. From that point on we had no trouble with either of us recieving mail. About 2 weeks later I started writing with my real name and address with no problems. I honeslty don't think they can prevent him from getting his mail from you. What can it hurt to try?
It took me about a year to find another job so I know how you feel there. McDonald's wouldn't even hire me b/c I was over qualified. It is so hard especially right after the stuff hits the fan but you just gotta hang in there. Hopefully you guys will make it through this. If you can then you can make it through anything. Pm me anytime!

Yeah, the not knowing what's going on, if he lost his good time, if they told him a bunch of junk that I didn't say, or whatever else might be going on is driving me nuts. He doesn't have my address, and a couple of times I did send him a card with someone elses post office box address on it. I was told by some to sit tight until he gets shipped before trying to contact him because they might decide to come after me and prosecute me. So... I've been sitting here stressed. I think they can prevent him from getting mail from the outside if it can be viewed as a security threat. Since I used to work there and there was an Internal Affairs investigation, they might view any correspondance as a potential security breach. I'm sure they told him that after this he should watch and see that I'll have nothing to do with him, when the truth is I feel like my hands are tied and that I can't. I sent you a PM too by the way.

I sent you a pm too.

I am viewed as a security threat also but they weren't able to keep his mail from him. Maybe TN is different though? Is there a way you can look up their policies re: mail? Now that you are no longer employeed there I don't see how they could use any mail you send to come after you. But, I could be wrong. I just know in my case they didn't and we openly talked about all that happened shortly after we were found out. Maybe you could contact an atty and see if they have any legal standing after the fact.

Does he have any family that you can contact him through? Do you know how long it takes before they usually ship them? I know in our case it was supposed to be immediately, but they never did ship my guy.

Well, they normally do ship them when this happens, but they didn't as of yet. I guess I could try to send him a letter to see what happens. The worst thing they could do is to return my letter and keep him from getting it....unless they decide to come after me legally. I think they would have done that already though. I'm going to think about all of this..... I need to come up with something. I'm so stressed.

I can only speak for the situation I was in, but they tried and succeeded to use my mail against me. The ONLY letters they had were wrote and dated after I quit. They still included them in a packet they used to fire me 8 months after I quit. They also sent them to the state police. When I asked my attorney about it, he said, "stop telling the damn inmate you love him." Nothing in my letters indicated I did anything other than fall in love, which is not illegal, just against prison policy. You can fire me, but not prosecute me. I contacted another very respected attorney, he said I had an excellent case against my former employer, but because I wrote after I quit, it strenghtened their case and it would be brought to court, even though I would eventually win since it was AFTER I quit.

So, even though things worked out here, I would recommend being very careful on what you do. Good luck, try to have faith. If it is meant to work out it will.

Former Worker, I agree with Seven's Girl (congrats again for you, SG!). Be very careful with what you do and how you approach this. IA can take something and run with it. You don't want to put yourself in a situation where you'll be in more trouble. I understand how frustrating it is when the communication is cut off and you can't speak with him. Believe me, I know. But I also know that you have to approach this with caution and patience. You may or may not hear from him again and you have to be prepared for this reality. It's hard, and it hurts, and it's frustrating. Even if you do hear from him, it may not be as quick as you'd like I say that from my own experience because I didn't speak to J until nearly two years later. I hope your situation works out for the best, but be mindful and cover yourself.

former_worker...welcome to MWI! i hope that the responses that people who have been in similar situations have posted will help you to get through these difficult times.

i was once in your position too & it is so hard. you want to be able to talk to your man - assure him that you are going to stand by him & that you hate that this had to happen & you don't want your relationship to be torn apart. but as you already know, in this sort of a situation you just have to sit back with your arms folded until the worst passes because there isn't a lot you can or should do.

when i first lost my job, i wrote my baby letters day after day so that when he finally did get shipped i would be able to send the letters to him. at least that way i felt like i was spilling my heart to him even though it would be awhile before he would ever read it. if they are considering prosecuting you, it's best that you not stir up matters any more than they already are. the contents of your letters can still be used against you (even if he is transfered), so in any future letters you write to him don't tell him about your dealings with the investigators & don't ask him about his. just focus on your relationship & leave the work details out.

did you & him ever consider the what ifs? i mean when you get into a relationship like this, it's always a thought in the back of your mind that something like this could happen. my man gave me so much reassurance of his love for me that i knew that even if something like this happened it wouldn't tear us apart...it would only make our love stronger. even so...nothing prepares you for this type of situation it really does throw you to the ground and shatter your life to pieces so you have to slowly piece things back together & find the strength to get back on your feet. if you have contact with his family that is always a good way to at least get the reassurance that everything is okay with him.

i chose to resign so it didn't impede my ability to go out & get another job. i resigned under "personal reasons" & found a new job in no time. now i live with the fear that if i am convicted i will lose my job & never be able to find another job again...but i can't be fearful everyday of my life i just get up & face each new day & am grateful for what i have at this moment regardless of what the future might bring. but i think you should just not include your work experience at the prison...of course it would depend on how much time you were employed there but you could maybe say that you took some time off for awhile & are ready to start a job.

i am currently going through the court system, as i was in fact charged (my indictment came in the mail one day out of the blue 7 months later when i thought all of this had already passed) & i am very much aware that though they allow me to talk to my man (letters & phone calls) that anything i write to him could be used as evidence even after the fact so you really need to be careful.

just try to stay positive for now...even if he does get more time at least you know that either way he will be getting out this year & if it's meant to be honey love will find a way! just try to find reassurance in the fact that you are not alone...that there are others who have been in your shoes & that this too will pass! so keep your head up i promise it will get better!

former worker,

welcome to pto.

i know all too well the feelings of stress that you are going through. while i can't tell you what to do or how to do it because each state is different, i do know that you are doing all that you can and we are here to support you through this difficult time. when i was going through my dilemmas with the situation i didn't have pto or any other online resources or support systems so it was like, "whoa ok!" and i had to muddle through it. i did however have God and He worked many miracles for me and mine, and He can do the same for you.

i'm praying for a positive outcome for you through it all. despite whatever may have happened in the past, if your heart is in the right place, everything will work out. without offending, i have to offer one word of advice: prayer changes things!

you're in my heart, along with the other ladies of our little ex officers and relationships thread!

Hey guys I'm still in need of advice!!! It's time for me to pick up our marriage license, and I'm sooo ready to get married to him almost too ready that I don't want to wait on finding a new job!! I wonder if there is anything they can do to me since he was never in my prison and we didn't meet while he was incarcerated.

here is the orignal post just in case you missed it

.................................................. ........................................

Well let me throw my story in the mix and see if anyone knows what I should do...First off I am currently an employee at a STATE prison but not a CO, I'm a nurse anyway...My man is currently in prison at another facilty a COUNTY facility.. NOT the one I work for...The problem is we ARE getting married and I don't really care what the state thinks about it...I'm not sure if it's a crime or not since he isnt in my facilty and hasn't been(atleast not while I was there) or if the difference between State & County matters, but I love my man and the state doesnt pay enough 2 jeopardize my happiness..lol We are in the process of completing the marriage application but I know once we submit it to the DOC which is where it has to go It will be DRAMA...I want to quit first but I havent found a job yet and the date that we set is near...I don't know if I should submit it and just see if they find out or what...What I do know is I'm not allowing this low paying job to dictate my love for my man...He is my man first inmate lastly....They know I have a relationship with him he is the father of my son and plus my warden had to give me approval to visit him but I know that approval does not include MARRYING him...I'm irritated by the situtation...

MyLilSecret, find out what happens with the marriage certificate. I don't think you should quit now because then you'll have no way of paying your bills. I'm not really sure what to say except to go forward with the marriage certificate and let the chips fall where they may. I don't see why they would have an issue with it since you already have his child and you and him are in two separate facilities. But I don't know a lot about the system and I don't want to tell you the wrong thing. I wish you the best of luck and please let us know how it turns out.

MyLil,

i agree with compassionate 100% here! i would go forward with the marriage certificate. you two are already a couple and they know this...marriage won't change matters much. not only that, you two aren't in the same facility so there shouldn't be any issues with security.

i would go on and get married...and congratulations!

Wow.... well, let me say that from what went on at the prison I worked at. There all employees were required to submit a paper indicating the names of any inmate or former inmate that we had an acquaintence with. Did you have to do that? If so, they know you're connected. If not you should probably get another job really quickly. I knew they were getting close to doing something about me and my man and I didn't quit, but now I wish I would have. It makes looking for another job so difficult.

While I'm in here I have to vent about something. I posted something in the under the Illinois state thread where there is a mail topic that I posted a question in. A few people got angry and thought since I'm a former worker that I'm really a c/o in here trying to get information. It really hurt my feelings. I have no where else to turn to get support and help. People on the outside don't want to hear that I got fired because I have a thing for an inmate. They would look at me as though I'm foolish and deserve to get fired. Only people who themselves care about an inmate would understand what it's like to truly love someone on the inside regardless as to what they've done.

That post kind of took the wind out of my sails so to speak. I'm trying not to let it get me down too bad. I was a happy before I came in here because I actually decided to call and talk to my inmates mom. She knew nothing about me, only that he had ended up in segregation because he had gotten "fresh" with someone who worked at the prison. I had sent her a present from her son for the holidays. My inmate and I had talked about me sending her something. It was my idea, and the look on his face when I suggested sending her something was so priceless. You could see how much it was going to mean to him. Then, when all broke loose and I lost my job, I'm sure he thinks I forgot about it, but I didn't. He didn't give me her name or address, but I searched on the net and after doing some research I found his mother. I sent her the present and first anonymously called to ask to make sure she received it. She did and was really sweet. Finally I called back and talked to her some more. I ended up telling her everything. She was so happy to talk with me... and I her. She said she would call me if she found anything out, and I told her I would do the same. It really made me feel good.

former,

i'm so sorry that happened to you, but remember, this is the internet. while you can find solace in some people, just because we are all in the same ocean (having a loved one in prison) does NOT mean we are all in the same boat, and it does NOT mean that you won't come across nothing but full fledged support.

i know you're going through a difficult time right now, but try not to feed into the negative comments that you got, and understand that they will come. the best advice i can give is to simply stick to those who are in like situations, and don't try to get those who haven't walked a mile in shoes not even remotely similar to yours to understand, because they won't. and it's not your job to try to make them to. you have enough on your plate as it is.

those of us in this thread understand because we're there, doing that, right along with you so to speak. the ones who mind don't matter, and the ones who matter don't mind.

i'm so happy you reached out to his mother. maybe she can be the go between for you and him at this difficult time, and i am happy that you have someone in the flesh connected to him that loves him just like you do...a common person so to speak. trust me, it makes a huge difference.

there are those of us here that understand you, aren't so insecure in our own lives and relationships that we would accuse you of anything, and only hope and pray for the best for you and yours. i know it's hard, but remember tomorrow is another day.

here's to a blessing of a holiday season for you. count the blessings in your life, be patient, and continue to reach out to those who understand, because we are out here.

Thank you MrsChris and all of the others of you out there who care and understand. My heart truly aches, and I'm sorry for being so whimpy, but I never thought I would end up hurting so bad and feeling so isolated.

Yes, the interaction with his mother was truly a blessing. I hope all of you enjoy your Christmas. I don't do Christmas though, I did Hanukkah. I guess it was a belated Hanukkah present to me. May of you find some blessing and hope at this time of year. As we say... Chag Samayach... which means Happy Holiday.

Former, just stick around this forum. I saw that thread and the poster acted out of line. I'm happy that you were able to get in touch with his mother. That was good thinking on your part. I know it's past but...Happy Hannukah!

Welcome to PTO former worker. I am glad that you have found this thread, I have been on PTO for a while and am only recently finding this thread. Usually when I post on the other threads I watch what I say and don't give too much information because as you found out most people who aren't in our shoes don't understand and sometimes are just down right rude. You know it makes you wonder if it was their loved one who found love w/ a former employee would they be so fast to judge and so harsh in their judgement. I hope everything works out for you and your honey. My situation was nothing like yours, as I quit before they found out (needless to say in days to be exact) but they still locked my husband up and he was in lock up for 45 days and that was the longest 45 days of my life, but the good part of it was we were at least allowed to write, but we didn't write about ANYTHING that went on at the unit-NOTHING. The loneliness and the confusion I can relate to as so many of us on this thread can. Stay strong, and prayed up. God Bless you.

Does anyone know what happened to xinmatelvr123? Ever since she posted on here about how her situation went down, she hasn't been seen on PTO. I hope she's doing okay...her situation was really screwy and very sad.

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Brwnis, I know what you mean about not hearing his voice in nearly 3 years. I haven't seen J or heard J's voice since April 2005. We only have letters and I'm always excited when I get a letter from him. I'll carry it around and several times over. :) I hope all goes well for you when you can finally see your husband again! :)
Lady, I thought I was bad about carrying letters around. I see I am not alone. I am keeping my fingers crossed about that parole, and about those visits--you know we sometimes will spend an entire letter talking about how our first visit will go down and even though it's 5 1/2 months away when I think of it, it makes me nervous as hell. I don't know how my former co-workers will react and my temper is such that I wouldn't want to say anything off the wall to anyone to terminate our visits or to cause him any additional hardships. I am sorry I found myself rambling.

Brwnis;

Thanks for the support. Coming in to PTO has been the most positive blessing that I could get right about now. I've been stressed and depressed. It's a sad thing when you have nobody to talk to and your world is falling apart. It's nice to know that there are others out there that can understand and care. After all that has happened, I just pray that his mind hasn't been poisoned by internal affairs, and that his feelings are the same for me. Only time will tell, but time seems to pass so slowly. I'm sure that many of you in here can relate. I like when I hear stories of people who have worked things out after all of this stuff happens. It gives me hope. Life is so short. When love comes along I think we need to grab it and be thankful for it. I pray that the loves in our lives get reunited with each of us quickly, and that happiness and stability will be solidified in the end.

former worker, I am glad you have found PTO, it is truely a blessed place for understanding and gobs of information. Don't worry about if his mind was poisoned by IA, but what surprises me is that you all never talked about the what if's and maybe and what would be said or not said if something happened. But that's neither here or there at the moment, because I would have never thought I would have left my job and he was the one who would talk to me about what ifs and maybe's. Things will work themselves out for the good of those that love the Lord, and you know I have said that so much for Joseph's benefit that it is second nature to me now to say it and I believe it with all my heart. Just be still and know the God is God and a good God at that, and HE only wants good things for us. That maybe wasn't the job for you, and God moved you out of that situation by using your honey because HE does bring people into your life for many different reasons and for many differents seasons. I am sorry again, I am rambling. I try not to post because I do start to ramble.

good gals

Well... one time I did ask him if he was still going to see me if I end up getting fired. Basically I was asking him what if we get caught. He got nervous and looked me in the eyes getting close to me. He said, don't say that, that's not going to happen, I don't want to think about that. That was the only time we brought the topic up, other than in a letter he wrote to me. He said that he was really wanting to get out and spend time with his kids and start his life over again. He said he was nervous because he didn't like sneaking around and if we got caught, he said that getting out would be delayed. That's about it. Now I can only sit and wait..... and pray.

continue to pray.

i know it's hindsight, but it is important to lay it on the line while the goings are going on so to speak, because things do happen.

one thing i can say is that overthinking helped me in my own situation because i was able to really map out a plan with my hubby and we decided exactly what we were going to do, down to the smallest things...and thank God it all worked out for us.

former, all you can do now is wait and pray. unfortunately you guys weren't able to talk in much detail about the future, but hopefully this will all pan itself out SOONER rather than later, because waiting can really be a slow and stressful process i know :(

Yes, waiting is really agonizing. His parole date is listed as April 14 on the internet. That seems like a long way off. His mom told me that she's going to write him a letter and will try to call the prison to find out if they can give her any news as to whether or not there has been any changes, and when he is likely to be getting out of segregation. His case has been heard by the adjustment committee for whatever they wrote him up for on his ticket by now, so there should be some information that she can get a hold of to fill her in on when his situation will change. She said that she would call me as soon as she knew something. That gave me at least something positive to hang on to. She and I talked again today and things are really going well there thank G-d.

well that's great news former. you only have 4 months to go...trust me it is not that long at all, and if your relationship is solid with him, then the 4 months will be very little time apart compared to the time you can share together.

him getting out so soon is a breath of fresh air and definitely the ace in your pocket in this situation...so even if worst comes to worst, you know that in appx. 4.5 months he'll be home!

plus you have his mom, that's definitely another silver lining to the clouds.

chin up, things will get better.

Hey ya'll! I suppose that this is the thread to where I most belong. I'm new here and I've just been lurking around for a few days trying to get the courage to post in this thread. I was working in a detention center on the Tex/Mex border. My guy was in on violation charges. There was an instant connection. I would have never imagined that I would done something like that. My ex husband did state and Fed time and I was certainly not looking for a convict. However, what happened, happened. We were never caught or anything. Anyhow, he caught chain and I resigned shortly after. He should be home by the end of April with no paper. YAY!!! Anyhow, here I am.

FW, my man already knew before his cell was turned upside down (because they were looking for evidence, never found any) and they rode him far away that if anything went down I was resigning. Then I just sat back and waited for him to call me. He did and I put in for visits and started seeing him and writing. There was alot of harrassment but eventually he finally got into a nice facility where the Warden, DW, and Captain weren't buying it. It took about 6 years but things are finally ok now. Just hang tight and if it was meant to be and God brought you to it, it will all work out. Just keep trying with the job situation and take anything you can get or try some other ideas like getting a roommate, moving in with someone else, or whatever it takes to make it through it. You found the right place when you found this thread because even some members don't like that we fell in love with an inmate. But just don't pay any attention because unless it happens to you you don't really understand it. I will pray that your man makes it out of the hole and finds your address and number. God is Good!

Hey ya'll! I suppose that this is the thread to where I most belong. I'm new here and I've just been lurking around for a few days trying to get the courage to post in this thread. I was working in a detention center on the Tex/Mex border. My guy was in on violation charges. There was an instant connection. I would have never imagined that I would done something like that. My ex husband did state and Fed time and I was certainly not looking for a convict. However, what happened, happened. We were never caught or anything. Anyhow, he caught chain and I resigned shortly after. He should be home by the end of April with no paper. YAY!!! Anyhow, here I am.

hey waiting :) and it's good that you don't have long to wait for him to come home! if you don't mind me asking, was it easy for you to obtain employment after everything settled down?

FW, my man already knew before his cell was turned upside down (because they were looking for evidence, never found any) and they rode him far away that if anything went down I was resigning. Then I just sat back and waited for him to call me. He did and I put in for visits and started seeing him and writing. There was alot of harrassment but eventually he finally got into a nice facility where the Warden, DW, and Captain weren't buying it. It took about 6 years but things are finally ok now. Just hang tight and if it was meant to be and God brought you to it, it will all work out. Just keep trying with the job situation and take anything you can get or try some other ideas like getting a roommate, moving in with someone else, or whatever it takes to make it through it. You found the right place when you found this thread because even some members don't like that we fell in love with an inmate. But just don't pay any attention because unless it happens to you you don't really understand it. I will pray that your man makes it out of the hole and finds your address and number. God is Good!

hope, ya'll did a good thing by making plans ahead of time, because you never know exactly what is going to go down or come up out of a situation. i know for my own personal situation we had plans too...and thank God everything worked out to the T, because we spent many a talk deciding exactly what we would do and how we would do it if worst came to worst.

losing your job and facing ridicule among other things for these situations isn't something to be taken lightly, nor is the fact that he can be given an entirely new sentence if he's found guilty of doing something too. some states/institutions don't want to be bothered and just get rid of you, but some take it to the next level and basically want to hang you by the balls...so you have to measure each step accordingly and find some type of plan.

you're right about the last part too, there are always going to be people who have an issue with you, no matter what the situation...EVERYONE is going to go through that. so you just have to get in where you fit in and bypass the rest.

w4ss, CONGRATULATIONS on his homecoming! I don't know how some of you girls got so lucky to get a short-timer. I wish mine was short but it looks like I got the long-timer...ugh!

hey waiting :) and it's good that you don't have long to wait for him to come home! if you don't mind me asking, was it easy for you to obtain employment after everything settled down?

No one knew about us so finding a job wasn't an issue. Well, let me rephrase that, It was an issue because there are no jobs around here, but totally unrelated to our situation. In fact, I just did get a new job and i will be relocating soon.
I have been discouraged though because communication has been bad for about a month now. I just learned that they just got off lockdown and I haven't heard from him yet. I'm going crazy. Do they normally receive their mail when they are in lockdown? They did where I worked, but it was a private detention center and not actually a prison.

w4ss, CONGRATULATIONS on his homecoming! I don't know how some of you girls got so lucky to get a short-timer. I wish mine was short but it looks like I got the long-timer...ugh!

Well, his is violation of parole so that's why his time is so short. I have to be honest with ya'll and say that I don't know if I would have gotten involved if he wouldn't have been looking at longer time. He thought he'd get two years and lucked out and later told me that it hurt him when I said that two years was a long time. At that time, we weren't really talking about 'being together' yet. I guess he already had plans. hehe

I give props to you gals and you certainly have my admiration. Ya'll are a special breed of women. That's for sure. Only real love could do what ya'll do. I am so happy I found this site and only wish that I had found earlier. I have been trying to connect with people on here that have someone in FCI BIg Spring, but I guess there aren't very many.

Lady, I thought I was bad about carrying letters around. I see I am not alone. I am keeping my fingers crossed about that parole, and about those visits--you know we sometimes will spend an entire letter talking about how our first visit will go down and even though it's 5 1/2 months away when I think of it, it makes me nervous as hell. I don't know how my former co-workers will react and my temper is such that I wouldn't want to say anything off the wall to anyone to terminate our visits or to cause him any additional hardships. I am sorry I found myself rambling.

Hi Brwnis, you're not the only one who carries letters around. I usually carry his around when they first come in the mail, so that I can reread them. It's about as close as I can be to him, since we have no visits and calls. It's good that you and him have discussed how your first visit might go down. It's okay to be nervous, I would be nervous too. You'll also be happy and I'm sure he will be too. Hopefully you won't see your former co-workers, and even if you do, you're there for him, not for them. Don't apologize for rambling--it's good to talk about what's on your mind. :)

No one knew about us so finding a job wasn't an issue. Well, let me rephrase that, It was an issue because there are no jobs around here, but totally unrelated to our situation. In fact, I just did get a new job and i will be relocating soon.
I have been discouraged though because communication has been bad for about a month now. I just learned that they just got off lockdown and I haven't heard from him yet. I'm going crazy. Do they normally receive their mail when they are in lockdown? They did where I worked, but it was a private detention center and not actually a prison.

i'm sorry that the communication is going badly right now, i have no clue about the mail status of other prisons on lockdown, but here things operate normally concerning mail when the prisons are on lockdown, because the lockdowns restrict INMATE movement for the most part, but civilian movement operates at somewhat normal rates...

does he usually call home?? how long has it been since you heard from him?

Well, his is violation of parole so that's why his time is so short. I have to be honest with ya'll and say that I don't know if I would have gotten involved if he wouldn't have been looking at longer time. He thought he'd get two years and lucked out and later told me that it hurt him when I said that two years was a long time. At that time, we weren't really talking about 'being together' yet. I guess he already had plans. hehe

I give props to you gals and you certainly have my admiration. Ya'll are a special breed of women. That's for sure. Only real love could do what ya'll do. I am so happy I found this site and only wish that I had found earlier. I have been trying to connect with people on here that have someone in FCI BIg Spring, but I guess there aren't very many.

well waiting, i don't blame you there, because i know that i metered my steps carefully, and if my hubby would have had an extremely long sentence ahead of him, or been in for a crime that would have been difficult for me to accept, we wouldn't have gotten into a relationship. but like yours, my hubby was also a bit hurt by the news that i don't do extremely long bids or repeat bids (without GOOD cause), but after three years he's come to accept and understand my stance just fine on it.

i'm happy you found us here, and hopefully you'll hear from him soon. i'm not sure about FCI Big Spring, maybe you can go to the texas forum?

i'm sorry that the communication is going badly right now, i have no clue about the mail status of other prisons on lockdown, but here things operate normally concerning mail when the prisons are on lockdown, because the lockdowns restrict INMATE movement for the most part, but civilian movement operates at somewhat normal rates...

does he usually call home?? how long has it been since you heard from him?

It's been a few weeks. He knows I'm commuting out of town for my new job too though. Maybe that's part of the hold up. I got a new cell number too. Maybe that hasn't been approved yet. I just put money on his books the 23rd. I'm hoping he has been sending letters to to my PO Box in the city where I work. I don't go back until the 1st though.

well waiting, i don't blame you there, because i know that i metered my steps carefully, and if my hubby would have had an extremely long sentence ahead of him, or been in for a crime that would have been difficult for me to accept, we wouldn't have gotten into a relationship. but like yours, my hubby was also a bit hurt by the news that i don't do extremely long bids or repeat bids (without GOOD cause), but after three years he's come to accept and understand my stance just fine on it.

i'm happy you found us here, and hopefully you'll hear from him soon. i'm not sure about FCI Big Spring, maybe you can go to the texas forum?

Thankfully he only got 10 months for the violation, but there might be an additional state charge hanging over his head. They didn't have evidence and didn't charge him for it while he was here, but I don't know if it's been no billed or what. I hope it disappears. haha So, even though he gets out in April, he may still have some pending doom hanging over him. I can pray that it works out.

I'm glad I found ya'll too. This site is a blessing!!!! I wish i would have found it sooner. I posted in the Texas forum too per your request. I think I've been all over this forum already lurking around. haha

Well, I finally heard from my man. YAY!!!!!!! Yup, he's in the hole. There were riots at Big Spring. He may even get transferred. His letter was dated Dec 20th and it was post marked Dec 26th. UGH!!!!!!!!!! Anyhow, i do feel somewhat better knowing he's ok.

That's wonderful that you got a letter!!! It probably wasn't the best letter since they are reading all his mail, but at least you got one and you know he is ok, in the hole, and loves you!

Yeah, I have been stressing and worrying so much about him since i hadn't heard from him. He sounded pretty down in the letter too. 114 more days to go!!!! YAY!!!!!!!!!!!! I just hope he keeps his nose clean until then.

There is a guy that I've been communicating with who is trying to get word in to my guy for me. He was writing regularly and now suddenly this week... *poof* So, I'm worried that our communication and plan to reach my man has been severed. Maybe I'm worried about nothing, but I can't help but wonder. If I don't hear something from him on Monday that's what I'll really think. It's sooooo difficult not being able to reach my man. It drives me nuts! No visits, no writing, no nothing.

Former Worker, I know it's easier said than done, but just take one day at a time and keep praying. It's so very hard when you want to communicate with him and find out if you're both on the same page. Keep the contact you have with his mother, that's a great start and the DOC can't stop you from talking to her, or her from talking to you. Be careful about getting another inmate involved. That inmate might get in trouble. I could be wrong about that, but I'm just saying...be careful. Keep checking that website to see if they've moved him or changed his date. We're here if you want or need to vent.

any news yet former?

Well, I talked with his mother. She said he had his once per month call from segregation. She said it only lasted about a minute. She told him that his friend called her and told her about the trouble he had, meaning the relationship between he and I becoming known. She said he sounded worried and asked if everything was all right. She told him that everything was fine and that we had a good conversation. So....at least he knows that I've talked with her, and I know he was concerned. So... this is a plus, but after a few days have slipped by, I have started longing for more. The waiting is horrible.

Several prisons in the state are on lockdown and there are going to be shakedowns for sure because of a new law that just went into effect Jan. 1. There is now a ban on smoking in businesses and the prisons are included in the ban. So... any word that could come out might be delayed. For now I'll just have to wait until he gets another once a month call to find out from his mother what's up.

Hey ladies, Happy New Year !!
Just writing to say I missed you guys (In this thread lol).
Also, Welcome to the new members, I hope this thread will mark the begining of the support you need, and the end of fear and doubt.

As for us, everything is fine now, it was a little touch and go there after he received some bad news about his daughter he became very withdrawn, but he eventually came around. He realized there was no point in stressing the things he can't change... and I figured the same thing.
He has to go to court for the legal matter with his daughter one week from friday, and since I haven't actually seen his face since august, he asked if I would drive down to be there for him in the courtroom. It's about an hour away, but I'm sure I have the half tank of gas to spare :D

Well, he managed to send me a picture, but I still haven't seen his actual face, or those bright blue eyes since I left, since of course I'm not allowed to visit OR marry, so I felt alot better having a picture.... Every time I open my phone, I kiss that picture.

But yeah, stopping by to say everything's okay, and I must say, for 2008.... May the best of our past, be the worst of our future. :)

heyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy girl!

i miss ya :(

you gon have to do better than thisssss! LOL!

Happy New Year MRS STONE COLD, glad to see you back.

Happy New Year MRS STONE COLD, glad to see you back.
Why thank you. :) And a good one to you too.


On a sad note, 2008 for a friend of mine, has started badly.
She lost her job over a guy, he came home, nothing.
So almost a year later, she began talking to a guy who was still in. He came home christmas eve, and was staying with his sister.... well. Unfortunately he wasn't staying with his 'sister' (and it was the sister's house, she went to a family gathering last week.) But he's not staying there, he lives with his wife, as one of his friends so graciously pointed out.
Baby wants to know why I sound the way I do over the phone. It's because I'm amazed at how casually men lie, and destroy lives. Like it's nothing. And again I contemplate whether or not this will happen to us. How can I not ? It's happened to so many.
I'm gonna go listen to Leela James now... I need to hear some blues.
I betta not see that N***a in the street, run his ass over.
They some serious muthafckas.


EDIT: On a happier note, the acting man of the house Turned 5 today.... He came in my room and said "awwwww mommy I miss 4 already..." Geez, is he a chick ?

Why thank you. :) And a good one to you too.


On a sad note, 2008 for a friend of mine, has started badly.
She lost her job over a guy, he came home, nothing.
So almost a year later, she began talking to a guy who was still in. He came home christmas eve, and was staying with his sister.... well. Unfortunately he wasn't staying with his 'sister' (and it was the sister's house, she went to a family gathering last week.) But he's not staying there, he lives with his wife, as one of his friends so graciously pointed out.
Baby wants to know why I sound the way I do over the phone. It's because I'm amazed at how casually men lie, and destroy lives. Like it's nothing. And again I contemplate whether or not this will happen to us. How can I not ? It's happened to so many.
I'm gonna go listen to Leela James now... I need to hear some blues.
I betta not see that N***a in the street, run his ass over.
They some serious muthafckas.


EDIT: On a happier note, the acting man of the house Turned 5 today.... He came in my room and said "awwwww mommy I miss 4 already..." Geez, is he a chick ?

dang. i am sorry to hear this...cuz it's serious. and yes, i do wonder about how easily and casually PEOPLE period lie and destroy lives. i don't wonder as much about the prison system because we cannot forget what we are dealing with--many men in alot of cases who are in for mindsets that aren't healthy at all. now this isn't true ALL of the time, but it's true some of the time.

we just have to be careful with who we deal with anywhere, especially when it comes to affairs of the heart and prison.

i feel you on the contemplation part...and yes, it does happen to many.

happy birthday baby! hehe :D

Welcome back, Mrs Stone Cold, your post about your son was funny! Happy Birthday to him! On another note, I'm sorry to hear this happened to your friend. It is scary because you never know if it can happen to you. It's something we have to consider when we love men on the inside and even on the outside. I hope things look up for your friend and I hope your situation works out for the best too.

OMG OMG OMG No !!!!!!!!!!!

Baby asked me to call his case manager about a writ for court... they've submitted a writ 3 times, but haven't taken him yet... yadda yadda yadda. Baby also told me if I wanted to ask his case manager about his homeplan, so I would know he was telling the truth about changing it to my address... okay, was changed, check.
Well, in further talks with his case manager he says 'I tried to change his cmp (or whatever) so that he can remain in baltimore, but they won't let me. ..... I'm like they're moving him ? He says yes, to HAGERSTOWN of all mutherfucking places !!!! I ask when, 1-31-07 !!!!!
WTF !!! Why hagerstown ? It's 2 hours away ?!?!? State of Maryland is supposed to technically keep an inmate close to their homeplan. That whore ass major doesn't like him OR me THAT'S why he's doing this.

I'm not even gonna be able to talk to him !!! That's long distance !!!
It's 85 miles away, hour and a half drive.
WTF man.

OMG OMG OMG No !!!!!!!!!!!

Baby asked me to call his case manager about a writ for court... they've submitted a writ 3 times, but haven't taken him yet... yadda yadda yadda. Baby also told me if I wanted to ask his case manager about his homeplan, so I would know he was telling the truth about changing it to my address... okay, was changed, check.
Well, in further talks with his case manager he says 'I tried to change his cmp (or whatever) so that he can remain in baltimore, but they won't let me. ..... I'm like they're moving him ? He says yes, to HAGERSTOWN of all mutherfucking places !!!! I ask when, 1-31-07 !!!!!
WTF !!! Why hagerstown ? It's 2 hours away ?!?!? State of Maryland is supposed to technically keep an inmate close to their homeplan. That whore ass major doesn't like him OR me THAT'S why he's doing this.

I'm not even gonna be able to talk to him !!! That's long distance !!!
It's 85 miles away, hour and a half drive.
WTF man.

girl, i'm so sorry this crap is happening to you. we go through so much shit, believe you me, it's always one thing after the other. perserverance pays off though, that's my motto.

hang in there, you're whole bid is almost over.

girl, i'm so sorry this crap is happening to you. we go through so much shit, believe you me, it's always one thing after the other. perserverance pays off though, that's my motto.

hang in there, you're whole bid is almost over.
Ty. :(

I know we don't have that far to go... but with all my money problems, and the stress of starting classes on monday, and trying to get this new job... He's my best friend you know, but sometimes hearing his voice everyday (or several times a day) really helped me. He always let me know everything's gonna be alright. And when he said it, I believed him. I never leaned on anyone emotionally before, because there was no one to lean on, no one I've ever dated until now has been like a rock for me, and that's insane to be because we've never even touched each other before. He's my best friend.

Ty. :(

I know we don't have that far to go... but with all my money problems, and the stress of starting classes on monday, and trying to get this new job... He's my best friend you know, but sometimes hearing his voice everyday (or several times a day) really helped me. He always let me know everything's gonna be alright. And when he said it, I believed him. I never leaned on anyone emotionally before, because there was no one to lean on, no one I've ever dated until now has been like a rock for me, and that's insane to be because we've never even touched each other before. He's my best friend.

i know how you feel, but you have to be strong and hang tough. you have a silver lining to your cloud, and you have to look at the benefits to it all. you go through the hard times so you can be stronger. trust me, it will all be over soon...the hardest part always comes before the smooth sailing, plus it could always be worse. i know sometimes that doesn't seem to help much, but it's the truth :(

I was a CO in WV and Vermont. I quit both jobs because I hated how the inmated were treated, actually worse in VT. I worked with all men but did have interaction with a few females in VT. I never had a relationship obviously, but let me tell you this; with the exception of very few officers I actually looked forward to going to work to talk to some inmates I got along with. Only a handful and thats maybe streching the number ever asked me to do them a "favor." Other COs will know what I mean. I never had any con games pulled on me and when they were trying I knew it right away. I have to admit I did "forget" an unopened bottle of soda once in a while or forgot to eat half a sandwich knowing what would happen to it. But my god man you have to have some compassion for these folks, yet be firm fair and consistient knowing how they spend their days even if most deserve to be in there. Now I met this wonderful beautiful female inmate and she writes the most beautiful letters..from a state I never worked in.

They came into my baby's cell today. They ransacked everything, the major, 2 lieutenants, and a sargeant. Well.... the major sits him down and says, "You confuse me".... of course baby's like, I do?...... He says yeah, you look like a racist. You got a skinhead, all those tattoos, you look like a WHITE SUPREMACIST, but you have a black girlfriend !!! He actually called him a racist, based on the way he looked. That has NOTHING to do with ANYTHING !!! THEN he made him open his locker and looked through his pictures, and stared at them for a while. Baby said that's my wife. The major said really..... then he took Every picture with my face on it (Glad there were no pictures of my ass in there !!). And took the rest of the photo album. All my pictures. For no apparent reason. I mean what, I haven't worked there for almost a year now.
I see now it's time for me to get on the phone...


...In the morning.

EDIT: Then they locked him up, with no ticket, no nothing, just harassing him. Yeah, they can move him now, because I see I'm gonna have to come out of my face soon.

I was a CO in WV and Vermont. I quit both jobs because I hated how the inmated were treated, actually worse in VT. I worked with all men but did have interaction with a few females in VT. I never had a relationship obviously, but let me tell you this; with the exception of very few officers I actually looked forward to going to work to talk to some inmates I got along with. Only a handful and thats maybe streching the number ever asked me to do them a "favor." Other COs will know what I mean. I never had any con games pulled on me and when they were trying I knew it right away. I have to admit I did "forget" an unopened bottle of soda once in a while or forgot to eat half a sandwich knowing what would happen to it. But my god man you have to have some compassion for these folks, yet be firm fair and consistient knowing how they spend their days even if most deserve to be in there. Now I met this wonderful beautiful female inmate and she writes the most beautiful letters..from a state I never worked in.

wow, how interesting! now you can see how it is on BOTH sides of the fence, so to speak! welcome (back)! LOL.

They came into my baby's cell today. They ransacked everything, the major, 2 lieutenants, and a sargeant. Well.... the major sits him down and says, "You confuse me".... of course baby's like, I do?...... He says yeah, you look like a racist. You got a skinhead, all those tattoos, you look like a WHITE SUPREMACIST, but you have a black girlfriend !!! He actually called him a racist, based on the way he looked. That has NOTHING to do with ANYTHING !!! THEN he made him open his locker and looked through his pictures, and stared at them for a while. Baby said that's my wife. The major said really..... then he took Every picture with my face on it (Glad there were no pictures of my ass in there !!). And took the rest of the photo album. All my pictures. For no apparent reason. I mean what, I haven't worked there for almost a year now.
I see now it's time for me to get on the phone...


...In the morning.

EDIT: Then they locked him up, with no ticket, no nothing, just harassing him. Yeah, they can move him now, because I see I'm gonna have to come out of my face soon.

dang girl. everything happens for a reason...and being in this lifestyle is like a rollercoaster ride, you don't know exactly what tomorrow will bring so your best bet is to just ride out each day and make it happen for what it's worth and go on...

so now it's a good thing they are moving him. i know you are angry as hell at all of this madness.

what are you going to say when you call up there???

dang girl. everything happens for a reason...and being in this lifestyle is like a rollercoaster ride, you don't know exactly what tomorrow will bring so your best bet is to just ride out each day and make it happen for what it's worth and go on...

so now it's a good thing they are moving him. i know you are angry as hell at all of this madness.

what are you going to say when you call up there???
I just talked to the warden's secretary. She advised me to tell baby to write the major up (not that that will do anything) .
She also called intel and talked to them about the situation, they said there's no reason for them to confiscate, because they were sent after I already quit, months after in fact. So they're gonna call the institution to see that they're returned, as soon as they check HIM to see if he's under investigation for anything.... but my pictures don't have anything to do with that, because we started our relationship after I was gone.

So, I'm sure the major pulled baby out of bed this morning, and he'll know what the deal is soon enough.

Okay, here's what just happened.

Called the Admin of the facility, secretary told me they're in the major's hands, cannot get them back, I was a former officer and I was not to have visited him.... I'm like, okay miss, I didn't visit him, she said well you wrote to him and I was to have NO CORRESPONDENCE with him. Never heard that one before.

Called to warden's office and told them of that, they said NO, that's not correct, nothing against correspondence. She wanted the number of the person who told me this.

Called Assistant commissioner, no answer, not leaving a voicemail.

Called Secretary's office of DOC, they advised me to the main commish of security.

Called main commish, she's appaled, Told her everything and she was white, so she was shocked about the white supremacist comment. Got my info, baby's, major's name, FA's name, told me she'd be getting to the bottom of it. Also, made it know that all of this happened after the fact that I quit, and I could provide her and whoever else wanted it PROOF down to my phone records AND witnesses Inmate AND officer, that there was no relationship between us when I was working there. Sure he came and talked to me sometimes, who the hell didn't ? So what is the gay dudes I hung around all the time under investigation too ? She said the situation doesn't sound right, and she's gonna do some digging.

So.... I'm done with my calls today. Tommorrow, assistant commissioner must know of this. I'm pretty upset right now so I wouldn't help my cause.

you are making moves in the prison.

you get more bees with honey than you do vinegar.

and who says ex staff all get the plunge? cuz you are getting down to it. holler! :D

you are making moves in the prison.

you get more bees with honey than you do vinegar.

and who says ex staff all get the plunge? cuz you are getting down to it. holler! :D
LOL :D

Okay, commish just called me back. We had an *interesting* conversation to say the least. Basically, he was more interested in why, as an ex officer how did I contact him to begin a relationship with him. Why ? Maybe I should refer him to this site for the story, shit.

Okay, he said he has no problem with them taking my pictures. He just has a problem with them keeping them. He also accused me of having a relationship with him while I worked there. Pretty much told him everything. And I reminded him he's not my judge, and even if I *did* have a relationship in there. I'm still not an officer, those pictures were sent 5 months after I was already gone.

He basically called me a liar. But it's no matter, as long as I know the truth, God knows, and stone knows. That's all that matters. He even admitted there is NO rule against me talking on the phone with him, OR writing him, OR sending pictures. And not a single picture in the bunch was anything but my face, because I had to take them all myself. He also said that if they stripsearched him, THEN said hey how's ___________ was out of line. His white supremacist comment was out of line. And he and I should have word by monday about my pictures. If neither of us has those pictures by monday, then he should be notified, and he'll get on this today.

I also reminded him that not everyone he speaks to on his phone is a liar.

But he said he or I should have those pictures by monday.

You know, I really don't give a fck about what anyone in DOC thinks about he OR I. I just want what was rightfully his to be returned to him. That's it. Think I fell in love with him there. Think whatever you want.... OH !!! then he made it clear that he was playing me, and that he's moved on to another officer so that he can get what he wants !!! Then he asked me If I knew what charges he has !!! I ran them ALL down. So you mean to tell me, he asked me to marry him, put in the paperwork, made me his emergency contact NOT his own brother or family, he has me checking into his court dates, begging me to meet his family because he's playing me and another officer because I'm not there ? Well, isnt' that spit on your neck, kick you in the crotch fantastic !!!

Nice try.

Mrs_Stone_Cold, I'm tippy-toeing onto this thread where I don't belong to tell you that you're my hero.

Betcha some of those pictures were of you in a cape.:D

Wow, you go ahead, Mrs_Stone_Cold. You are nothing short of amazing. Does your man know about the awesome woman he has on the outside?? :D

:D :D :D
Awwww, shucks... you guys are just saying that !!!

(God forgive me for cursing because you know I normally don't)

But when he fuck with me, or mine... he's fucking with the wrong ones.
And the regional commissioner will know about it soon as he gets in tomorrow.

I am scared however of them bothering him MORE because of this. But then again, he's scheduled to be transferred the 31st. So, I dunno, but I know he'll be watched over.

In a way that white supremacist comment got me madder than the pictures. No, equally as mad. lol

Baby just called me. He was denied work release because "he has an ex co girlfriend"... He cannot go on home detention or work release because his girlfriend used to be a correctional officer. What type of shit is that ? The warden is blocking him going to work release because of me ? I've never even worked there before !! What the hell ?
Now they makin a bitch get on the phone AGAIN ?

Also he said he was told that my pictures went to the head intellegence lieutenant, and he has them for whatever reason. For what ? So you can have copies of an EX OFFICER ? DOC has their priorities all f-ed up.

So this is all my fault.

girl...the drama DOC puts us through is amazing. so...does this mean no early release date?? wtf???

girl...the drama DOC puts us through is amazing. so...does this mean no early release date?? wtf???
LMAO... Just got off the phone again. :D

Talked to the warden's people, they were like... "who is telling him this stuff ?!?!?!" :haha:
She's directing the comment about what they told him the 'warden' said... and forwarding it. She said the warden wouldn't tell anyone anything like that. And even if his girlfriend used to work here, that has nothing to do with anything. She's also looking into why they're sending him way out into the hills, when his home address is listed as bmore.

As far as I know, since he's all of the sudden not eligible for HDU or work release, his relase is apparently May, hopefully before his birthday.

Okay, they called baby into the case manager's office, they told him internal investigations revealed that his home plan is an ex officer's address. They then told him if he didn't change it they would rescind his parole.

I'm completely sure this is not legal. At all.

I'm really getting madder and plenty more frustrated.
But I don't want them to take his parole if I keep pushing, but they cannot do this.

Okay, they called baby into the case manager's office, they told him internal investigations revealed that his home plan is an ex officer's address. They then told him if he didn't change it they would rescind his parole.

I'm completely sure this is not legal. At all.

I'm really getting madder and plenty more frustrated.
But I don't want them to take his parole if I keep pushing, but they cannot do this.

damn. i'm sorry this is happening. you need to check with someone OUTSIDE of the DOC--like parole.

in this state, parole is a seperate entity from DOC. once an i inmate makes it to parole, DOC can't tell him SHIT...it's all on the parole office(r).

straighten this out!

I just called parole. They said DOC can rescind parole for whatever reasons they like. Now the warden's office is saying NO they cannot take his parole for that.

I'm mentally tired, and I wasn't upset before, because I have bad luck, and I expect the worse, but now I'm starting to cry. And it's getting out of hand. He wants to fight, but he doesn't want his parole taken away. And quite frankly I don't know what else to do.

EDIT: Funny thing is.... his parole was my address for about 5 months now. Why all of this NOW ?

Pardon my language...but this is fucked up. The system is fucked up. And it seems like when you fight with the DOC, they treat the person who's locked up worse. They'll take it out on them. They know it hurts you because you feel like you can't do anything about it without them doing worse, but in the end, the person locked up is the one who deals with it worst. That's why I didn't keep at it with the visiting lieutenant when I found out J never knew about the 3rd visit I scheduled last April. Actually, the visiting lieutenant had made an exception to give him that one extra visit, when he usually gets 2 weekly visits. I went to the jail, J never came down, he refused the visit as a CO told me, I was upset and left the jail in tears, wrote him about what happened, turns out he had no idea it was me, and I put 2 and 2 together: he was never told. He thought he'd miss his other visit so he didn't come down when I came, that's totally understandable. I thought he should've been told so I called the visiting lieutenant to find out why, if an inmate is given an extra visit, why aren't they told. Why can't they be given that right, especially so that they will know that they won't miss a visit if they have an extra one. Well, someone told me that if I keep asking about it, who knows what will happen to J, or if he will get penalized for me speaking out, so I just stopped. I didn't want anyone with power in that facility to take it out on J, like deny him visits or who knows what. This is nowhere near your situation, Mrs_Stone_Cold, but I'm just saying sometimes it's good to fight it out, other times, you gotta look at the stakes involved and see who's going to get hurt the most. and often it is the person locked up. DOC has custody of yur man, and The Powers That Be will abuse their power, and even lie and justify denying him parole, work release, and whatever else. It's sick. Please don't misunderstand me---you have every right to protest and get on the DOC's behind about what they're doing because it is dead wrong and abusing their power. They're wrong for messing with him like that, and for doing that to you, but....at this point, wait it out and see what happens. Hopefully things will change. I'm truly sorry that you and him have to go through this. It's pure stupidity.

Pardon my language...but this is fucked up. The system is fucked up. And it seems like when you fight with the DOC, they treat the person who's locked up worse. They'll take it out on them. They know it hurts you because you feel like you can't do anything about it without them doing worse, but in the end, the person locked up is the one who deals with it worst. That's why I didn't keep at it with the visiting lieutenant when I found out J never knew about the 3rd visit I scheduled last April. Actually, the visiting lieutenant had made an exception to give him that one extra visit, when he usually gets 2 weekly visits. I went to the jail, J never came down, he refused the visit as a CO told me, I was upset and left the jail in tears, wrote him about what happened, turns out he had no idea it was me, and I put 2 and 2 together: he was never told. He thought he'd miss his other visit so he didn't come down when I came, that's totally understandable. I thought he should've been told so I called the visiting lieutenant to find out why, if an inmate is given an extra visit, why aren't they told. Why can't they be given that right, especially so that they will know that they won't miss a visit if they have an extra one. Well, someone told me that if I keep asking about it, who knows what will happen to J, or if he will get penalized for me speaking out, so I just stopped. I didn't want anyone with power in that facility to take it out on J, like deny him visits or who knows what. This is nowhere near your situation, Mrs_Stone_Cold, but I'm just saying sometimes it's good to fight it out, other times, you gotta look at the stakes involved and see who's going to get hurt the most. and often it is the person locked up. DOC has custody of yur man, and The Powers That Be will abuse their power, and even lie and justify denying him parole, work release, and whatever else. It's sick. Please don't misunderstand me---you have every right to protest and get on the DOC's behind about what they're doing because it is dead wrong and abusing their power. They're wrong for messing with him like that, and for doing that to you, but....at this point, wait it out and see what happens. Hopefully things will change. I'm truly sorry that you and him have to go through this. It's pure stupidity.
Thanks compassionate. The two of us are so tired. Just tired, we just kept yawning on the phone, then we realized it's us being mentally tired. I've made so many phone calls, burst into tears, everything. I'm so tired. And worse yet, I feel defeated.
They said they would return my pictures to him today. They didn't, I wasn't suprised.
I told him I'd make some more calls tomorrow, but we're not gonna drop names, just hit some parole people off with the scenario.

The bad part is, if he can't get in touch with his brother (I think I *may* have it in his family number list) and parole can't get in touch with him, they're gonna deny another home plan. And that means they can keep him PAST May if we don't get this situation resolved. I didn't want to bring the regional commissioner into this, but I'll call but won't name names.

Like you said compassionate, I don't want him to get any backlash. His case manager advised him to change the home plan and he did (brother's house) but a week after he comes home, tell them he's moved and give my address... problem is, what if they still say no ? Then he's risking violations if they pop up at his brother's house 7 oclock in the morning and he's not there (they do do that btw) .

This is borderline harassment. It's bullying. I dunno, our next move is the ACLU, if they'll hear us. There's no reason for internal investigation to get involved in where he's living when he's not at that institution anymore. That's ridiculous.

Also, As I've said before, he's had his homeplan as my address for 5 months now, someone said something to that major. He picks on a certain group of inmates more than others.... My baby said it's reverse racism... it's because he's white. :( (I had to smile after that, I can still hear him saying that tonight :haha: )

EDIT: Also, I'm sure me visiting him when he leaves is out. I'm not even gonna take that hour and a half drive, just to get turned away, because they'd love to screw me by ruining my possiblity of visiting him somewhere else.

The last thing he said was 'tell my son I love him'. ........ His father has NEVER said that in his 5 year life. I love him.

Ms Stone Cold,
My guy was released on December fifth. We met inside, they started an investigation, I quit. Had been there 10 years, he did 16. We continued on with our relationship after I quit, they ended up firing me after 6 more months even though they signed my resignation.
Seven should have got out Oct 31, they played with his parole report so that he saw the board late. The board looked at him in the interview and had no problem with him or where he was going. Just so happened that the board member was one I worked with closely while I was still there, so he knew what type of person I was, no matter what he thought about my choices. As with you, my address was listed long before his release date.

Well, same thing happened to us, right before he was to come home, they local people say you can not go to her house. He has never had much family support to speak of, so it was a hassle trying to figure anything out. Like you, we would have rather had him out at another house, than still locked up. I called the local Parole office, asked them why he could not parole to me, they gave me a bs answer. I called the supervisor and said that I knew that their reasons were bs, I helped write the reentry policy for the state, so they were telling the wrong person. The supervisor had the local people do a home placement check. Well, he told them to, they didn't do it. They still transferred his case to a different city across state. That was all it took. I called the other parole office, said the parole board approved my placement, but the local office would not even look at my home. That po had it transferred back so quick it was almost humorous. See, his caseload was already heavy, he didn't care about no staff prisoner relationship. I was no longer there, he was getting out.

Long story short, he came home to me. It was a hassle, his time was not extended due to this (it was because of the parole report, but we had already past that), but he is here, the struggles have been worth it.

Stay strong, it will work out.

Ty Seven. They think it's gonna change something. That's what I don't get. Jails here have SOOOOO many problems, including the pen where I used to work being 200 years old (they actually held slaves from the underground railroad there, seriously) the influx of drugs, weapons, gangs, etc... I just find it hard to believe that intel is concentrating on a relationship that was no one's business for the past 6 months.

They haven't given me a reason yet, of why he can't come here, except they can do what they want. That's not acceptable. I dunno, will make more calls when I get home.

Sometimes when he takes too long to call, I get worried because I think they're somewhere shaking him down or locking him up or whatnot. :(

I just called parole. They said DOC can rescind parole for whatever reasons they like. Now the warden's office is saying NO they cannot take his parole for that.

I'm mentally tired, and I wasn't upset before, because I have bad luck, and I expect the worse, but now I'm starting to cry. And it's getting out of hand. He wants to fight, but he doesn't want his parole taken away. And quite frankly I don't know what else to do.

EDIT: Funny thing is.... his parole was my address for about 5 months now. Why all of this NOW ?

honestly, because you made them recognize that it was your address.

sometimes you gotta lay low until things clear the air. :(

all i can say is this is a real test of love hon. if he TRULY loves you, he'll stick by your side, parole be damned.

honestly, because you made them recognize that it was your address.

sometimes you gotta lay low until things clear the air. :(

all i can say is this is a real test of love hon. if he TRULY loves you, he'll stick by your side, parole be damned.
Ummm, no I didn't tell anyone it was my address.
In MD DOC when an inmate picks up those phones and calls a number, if it comes up a correctional officers number, you're either fired or under investigation. Any one who was a CO at any point in MD is in the computer. That actually goes for any state job. They know your everything, address, telephone number, whathave you.

When you parole here anyway, they run the name, address, and background check of the person you're parolled to. Especially when it gets closer to the time you leave.

I never called anyone and said hey, stone is gonna parole to my address. The knew it, the day I was hired.

EDIT: The point of it is... that PO can pop up any time looking for him, his address is where he has to live, if he's not there they can violate him and it means back to jail.


Nevermind, I'll stop talking about it now.

Mrs_Stone_Cold, please don't stop talking about it, it will do you good to vent. When I read your posts about your current situation it took me mentally back to where I was when I found PTO. I felt helpless, alone, scared,confused, and basically just "wtf". All I could do in reading your post was put my hand over my mouth in disbelief and continue to read your post. You will need to vent as much as possible, and also get other insight as well. As we all live in different states,the guidelines for inmate/ex-officer relationships seem to be different very slight, but different. It doesn't matter how they found out about your address, that's neither here nor there right now, they have it and they know it belongs to you---period. Is there an attorney maybe you can speak with that would know the ACTUAL rules and ramifications of an inmate and ex-officer after parole or during the parole process. I think another post was suggested that you speak to someone outside of DOC to give you and unbiased opinion (if you can call it an opinion) Keep looking into the situation and working on it because your situation is and will be a blessing to someone else. Be blessed and stay strong. I will keep you in my prayers.

Ummm, no I didn't tell anyone it was my address.
In MD DOC when an inmate picks up those phones and calls a number, if it comes up a correctional officers number, you're either fired or under investigation. Any one who was a CO at any point in MD is in the computer. That actually goes for any state job. They know your everything, address, telephone number, whathave you.

When you parole here anyway, they run the name, address, and background check of the person you're parolled to. Especially when it gets closer to the time you leave.

I never called anyone and said hey, stone is gonna parole to my address. The knew it, the day I was hired.

EDIT: The point of it is... that PO can pop up any time looking for him, his address is where he has to live, if he's not there they can violate him and it means back to jail.


Nevermind, I'll stop talking about it now.when they found those pictures of you, that just drew attention to your situation. with DOC, there's no need to fix ish that ain't broken, cuz you just get a whirlwind of issues...hence now. stone was paroling to your address BEFORE you got HIRED at DOC? or AFTER? they probably didn't pay your address any attention because they didn't investigate it until they saw your pictures. DOC doesn't connect every single thing until you give them reason to (which you did). but when they pulled your pictures from his locker, then they decided to snoop. and now this shitload of problems. or maybe, they ran your address, then saw what was up as you are an ex CO, and then decided to run his cell, hence the shitload of problems. either way, you can't say that this wasn't going to happen ANYWAY. the only thing you can do now is see what's legal to do and what's not, and work from there.

Similar situation.. but i was given the option to resign so it didn't show on my record. With IA i just kept denying everything they said so did he but he got 90 days in the box and wasn't transfered. I was cautious about writing, but wrote a postcard saying i'd been out of town, please write... we wrote after that, when he came out the box he put me on his phone list. I waited a year and am on his vistation list. This is in Florida though I don't know about where your at.