My daughter is 15 years old she tries to play games between myself and Ike. she is in Junior high. She feels as though if i get Ike something i have to get her something. Ike loves her like she is his own daughter. She gives me grief when i do not let her talk to him. I am a few choice words she calls me since when i do not let her talk to him. He tells her if she can not respect her mom and do what i say then he does not want to talk to her. It has taken me 3 months to get her back into school. so since she just got back in Ike told her she does not need anything tell she can gets a progress report. She is always trying to get Ike to tell me to get her something and he tells her she does not deserve anything tell she can go to school and do what is asked of her. I made her earn the 100.00 that Ike did not want her to have cause of her behavior. But anyway she was suppose to spend the money on Bing her some clothes and she took the money and spent it on some boy and was pissed off at me cause i would not pay for some clothes that she picked out. Then she decided that she was going to throw out cause i told Ike what she did with the money. she said she wanted school supplies and Ike told her what i told her she should have spent the money on school supplies then some boy. So she is with out supplies. I keep seeing arguing coming between him and me and i am not going to have it. let her tell it she is jealous and i am not buying that. This is the first time that i have been in a relationship for over 8 years. Her and my son communicate with Ike my little boy is crazy about Ike i went to my sons school and i heard this and that about Ike and the school was like thats his dad ain't it. He is the next best thing as being there real dad. This is a child that first had sex and told me to get over it. Every since then she has thought she is grown. I am so gratefully that she is back in school. She tells me that myself and Ike need to get a life but it is funny i can not talk on the phone with out her having something to say. He tells her what i tell her on a regular bases stay in a child places. she to me is a spoiled brat. Like i told her if you get mad you will get over it you can not have everything your way. This one lady told me that little girls sometimes get jealous over the moms boys friends or spouses then after awhile they get over it.

I think the fact that she spent her money on a boy speaks multitudes. She's more like you than you probably care to notice. That is generally the case, I know it was with me and my daughter particularly at age 15. In spending the money on a boy she showed you what she's learned because in her opinion your money should be hers, typical teenage "me me me" stuff so when you spend something on your man that really gets under her skin.

Perhaps Ike is right that she hasn't deserved extra things because of her behavior but I gotta tell you that I wouldn't feel comfortable having a man that has never been in my childs life in the free world tell me how to parent. I'm sure your daughter resents that, of course if he were helping her case she'd be all for it, in either case it's really on you and I'm sure you are torn.

When he gets out you will all have your work cut out for you regardless. That's natural. It's difficult to raise children and in my experience even tougher at times with our teenage daughters. I hope you all will get on the same page but I am guessing there will be more drama down the road, she's a teen and that is a difficult time.

Best of luck,
Patty

My daughter tries to play me and Jerry off one another... she askes me for something... i say no... so she goes to Jerry and askes him for it!! Fortunately for me, i get to him first and tell him the deal, and he says the same thing as i do... agrees with me.

From what you have told us, i think that there are more issues between you and your daughter, which doesnt necessarily involve Ike. Maybe you could take some time out for her... some quality time, because it seemd that she is trying to grab your attention, and causing a reaction she gets it. I think you need to find out exactly what her problem is. Reassure her that she is your main priority. She is coming across and being very insecure.

Well, it sounds like to me the problems run deeper than having Ike in your life...I learned some things over the years...you teach people how to treat you...that goes for our spouses, our children, our parents. When you start putting boundaries on how you will allow people to treat you then ,and only then will people start treating you better, including your daughter. My children are great kids, my 17 year daughter has experienced with sex, drinking and drugs, she has learned at an early age that this isn't what it is all cracked up to be...her and my 15 year old son are mouthier at times than I like, however I have learned to pick my battles. I trust my children, because of the life I have set forth for them they have learned to be independent, loving, caring, individuals, I have a strong set of morals and ethics and I stand by them. So basically what I am trying to say is they know the boundaries and when they are crossed there is hell to pay...you need to get off the guilt wagon, stop trying to be her friend, she has plenty of them..what she needs is a mother who will stand her ground and mean it, take the effort to stick to it...When my kids tell me I have made them mad, I tell them good, cause if I didn't I wouldn't be doing my job. Sorry if I sound blunt, but just my thoughts. As far as having Ike help you with her, I have to say I disagree somewhat with Patty on this, I think what he is saying to her is the right things to say, however it needs be coming from you...Shawn is a big part of our everyday life, he does have his input on the children, they talk to him and respect him...I think this is part of the transition of him coming home and knowing what to expect when he does...

Staci

I hope that things turn out better for you and your daugther.. teenage girls sure can give their moms a hard time.. I have seen that over and over... I don't know the situation specificially but I see that you have posted in the met while incarcerated forum. To me that means that he hasn't played a part in your children's lives out in the free world... so why should he be taking on a "dad" role in there... it isn't his place to do that nor should you let him... I hope you don't take offense to that, but it just doesn't make any sense to me and if I was a 15-year-old girl and my mom was letting some man who I had no past relationship with make decisions for me, I'd tell him and my mom where to stick it..

Give her some one on one attention and tell her that she can't play you two against each other because YOU are the parent and YOU will make the decisions....

I might step in to suggest that there's no way I would give my kid $100 without being there to supervise the spending. It might be that you can compromise by going with her (yes, you'll have to insist) and be part of the purchasing of what she needs/wants.

Some of her issues are Ike and some of them are she feels as though she is grown cause she has had sex. SHe has been thinking she was grown every since. My daughter is just like her dad period she has his temeperment and everything. She wants what she wants and that is it. if she does not get her way she clowns. she reminds me of a 2 year old at times. Plus the fact that i have been single for 8 years does not help the matter. SHe says i do not need anyone.

I can so relate to her feeling grown at her age. A friend of mine has a magnet on her refrigerator that says, "Kids should leave home when they are teenagers and still KNOW everything!" It seems at times we are at opposite ends with our young ones. During the teen years alot of them want to be treated like adults but revert to acting like babies. It sometimes feels like we'll never reach the middle ground but we have to keep aiming for it. Your daughter is so lucky to have you in her life but she is going through her own stuff like most of us did and doesn't necessarily recognize at least all of the time how well off she is as compared to others. I know you will continue to work at it with her and I have every confidence that in time things will turn around.

Patty

I am trying to get her to understand things she thinks life is a bowl of cherries she is going to find. When she gets older there are bills to pay you have to buy food you have to have clothes money for transpertaion. That life is not free. I tell her i hope she finds her a rich man to take care of all her wants and needs. Or she better get a dam good paying job she wants alot and i am the one that supports her and her brother i get no child support nothing. I work hard and she sees how i have to work sometimes i am in town sometimes i am out of town working. I do what i have to do to support my kids. but anyway ms stuck on her self she will be alright i hope she grows out of that one day she is gods gift to how she say the boys cause she is so fine lol. i try as much as possiable to deflate her ego. her and Ike have that in common they are stuck on there self him and all his prettiness he calls it and her and i am so fine attitude.

Girl I went through so much "stuff" with Stormie , my apparently aptly named daughter when she was younger and to a lesser extent even now that she is 27 years old. I now know why at 16 it somewhat tickled my mother (RIP Mama) to know I had just given birth to a daughter, after all the "mess" I put her through it was about to become "my turn" yanno? Stand firm and hold on it's a bumpy ride but I'm sure y'all will get through...

Patty

I hope that things turn out better for you and your daugther.. teenage girls sure can give their moms a hard time.. I have seen that over and over... I don't know the situation specificially but I see that you have posted in the met while incarcerated forum. To me that means that he hasn't played a part in your children's lives out in the free world... so why should he be taking on a "dad" role in there... it isn't his place to do that nor should you let him... I hope you don't take offense to that, but it just doesn't make any sense to me and if I was a 15-year-old girl and my mom was letting some man who I had no past relationship with make decisions for me, I'd tell him and my mom where to stick it..

Give her some one on one attention and tell her that she can't play you two against each other because YOU are the parent and YOU will make the decisions....


As far as him being in the free world and seeing and talking to her there are things i left out. that you do not know and will not know cause i am not that comfortable with people on this site telling yet. as far as him telling her things he aint never told her anything wrong about anything that she is doing rather he is in the pen or out it will not matter. He seems to be acting as a better *DAD* as you call it then her sperm donor do not prejudge him when you do not know him. I am unlike some others i talk to my man and i tell him everything i have no lies no secrets. if i take them to see him then i just do they are on his list just as i am. Since he has been in my life and he is always talking and dealing with my son he is doing alot better in school. To my little boy Ike is everything and as long as Ike aint telling them anything wrong if he wants to be in there life as there dad then that is just great. Not to many men will step up to the plate with woman that have children that are not theres so in that reguard i commend him. To tell you how Ike puts it he can be there friend but he can not take the place of there sperm donor i call him. Rather i met Ike while he was in the pen or on the street it does not matter what matters is that i love him and he loves me and my children and i would love his daughter just like she was my child. i Shun no ones children. Not all men will accept a ready made family. So this is what i feel about what you said aint nothing personal :thumbsup: do not catch feelings!

I understand you not feelin' the concept that those of us who posted that Ike while well meaning does not necessarily have the role in your daughters life that he might had she known him prior to his incarceration. Don't think for a second that I'm judging you because I am the last person allowed to do that. I raised three kids into seemingly okay existing adults I love them they aren't a huge source of worry for me on a daily basis but hey they are my kids. The thing is if only for a few moments put yourself in your daughters shoes. I know she could be honery, disrespectful and all that at times they all are we all were at moments. However, she is a young lady with all her own "stuff" who is dealing with a mother who is loving on an incarcerated man she's never known in the free world, again scroll up cuz I know this may sound harsh but trust me I am not judging you, I am just saying that deep down inside where one lives all alone with themselves and not having their own father/father figure in the same home as them that perhaps, just perhaps that could create some "boundaries" confusion on her part.

You have to live your life as you see fit and I'm the first to say that you should but her life and your life are at times two different things. Regardless this is far from over and you will have good and bad times together. FamDAMNily I've heard it called, it's gonna be okay in the end honey.

Patty

[quote=HotLatinaMILF4U]I think the fact that she spent her money on a boy speaks multitudes. She's more like you than you probably care to notice. That is generally the case, I know it was with me and my daughter particularly at age 15. In spending the money on a boy she showed you what she's learned because in her opinion your money should be hers, typical teenage "me me me" stuff so when you spend something on your man that really gets under her skin.

Perhaps Ike is right that she hasn't deserved extra things because of her behavior but I gotta tell you that I wouldn't feel comfortable having a man that has never been in my childs life in the free world tell me how to parent. I'm sure your daughter resents that, of course if he were helping her case she'd be all for it, in either case it's really on you and I'm sure you are torn.


Omg Patty you already knowing the most it will be issues i will have with her and him i do not know how the 2 of them can get there big heads Thur the door they are both stuck on there selfs. they are *gods* gift to the world. lol It should not matter if he is in the free world or not. He does give her advice about things she is doing and she confides in him. i left a lot out i only gave bits and pieces since i do not know anyone here. i have never been one for criticizing.:angry: one day when i feel comfortable i will talk about it all but untell theni won't.

I might step in to suggest that there's no way I would give my kid $100 without being there to supervise the spending. It might be that you can compromise by going with her (yes, you'll have to insist) and be part of the purchasing of what she needs/wants.


She gets a 100.00 a year to do with as she wishes if she blows it oh well she gets a 100.00 every year in March to do with as she wishes she harps about clothes so i tell her to go buy them if she blows her money than what does that mean it means she is *broke*. She can not ask me for more cause i told her the rules before i gave it to her. The rules are you buy what you want and need what you have been asking me for all year. I pay for her shoes the rest is on her. I work at the mall so i be working when she is shopping i do not have time to shop. she is 15 she aint no baby no more she knows how to spend money wisely if she so chooses.

It is difficult to "get it all out" even when you feel comfortable in the surroundings I understand completely. I am just glad that you are looking at all sides of the equation here. You can work with this, tell us as much or as little as you want and we'll be here for you regardless...

Much Love to all y'all,
Patty

Omg Patty you already knowing the most it will be issues i will have with her and him i do not know how the 2 of them can get there big heads Thur the door they are both stuck on there selfs. they are *gods* gift to the world. .

Is it any wonder you love these two big headed people in your life? I know mine is clearly HARDHEADED and well yanno the score...

Patty

Well, it sounds like to me the problems run deeper than having Ike in your life...I learned some things over the years...you teach people how to treat you...that goes for our spouses, our children, our parents. When you start putting boundaries on how you will allow people to treat you then ,and only then will people start treating you better, including your daughter. My children are great kids, my 17 year daughter has experienced with sex, drinking and drugs, she has learned at an early age that this isn't what it is all cracked up to be...her and my 15 year old son are mouthier at times than I like, however I have learned to pick my battles. I trust my children, because of the life I have set forth for them they have learned to be independent, loving, caring, individuals, I have a strong set of morals and ethics and I stand by them. So basically what I am trying to say is they know the boundaries and when they are crossed there is hell to pay...you need to get off the guilt wagon, stop trying to be her friend, she has plenty of them..what she needs is a mother who will stand her ground and mean it, take the effort to stick to it...When my kids tell me I have made them mad, I tell them good, cause if I didn't I wouldn't be doing my job. Sorry if I sound blunt, but just my thoughts. As far as having Ike help you with her, I have to say I disagree somewhat with Patty on this, I think what he is saying to her is the right things to say, however it needs be coming from you...Shawn is a big part of our everyday life, he does have his input on the children, they talk to him and respect him...I think this is part of the transition of him coming home and knowing what to expect when he does...

Staci


I left out lots cause i do not know any of you i only told you the parts that i wanted you to know and i only responded to the parts i wanted to respond to. I was asked to make a thread and i did i hope everyone does not get mad at me coming back with my responses to what has been said. I'm say this again like i said to patty my children talk to him about everything plus they are able to see him as well. I have not hared him tell the children anything wrong the other part is this we are to be married here shortly. It does not matter where i met him rather i met him in a dating pool an INTERNET chat site. or on the streets. you guys are starting to sound like the other people in the other areas of PTO. This is why i never post threads i never see anything positive come from them.

It does matter apparently to your daughter. I'm sorry if you feel like some of us are sounding like those that may judge us, clearly that is NOT what I'm about. In addition to raising my own three children I worked with gangmembers and other disenfranchised teens in California for many many years and I have to say that some of what your daughter feels is valid. Look beyond your relationship with Ike, for all intents and purposes he is the greatest guy in the world and when he comes home he will be given the opportunity to prove that to your daughter. For now, he's your man, your incarcerated man and she is at an age where that is romantic and movie - like on the one hand but her reality is the time you spend with him is time you take from her. Don't get me wrong I'm sure you balance the situation I'm just playing devils advocate and letting you hear the laments of thousands of kids I've worked with. There is nothing wrong with the life you chose it is just that you can't hold your daughter up to your standards, or anyone elses for that matter....

Patty

Thanks Patty :)

She spent money on a boy. Her attentions were focused on a boy. She tried sex...
hmmmmm.
She want's your attention. Good, bad, either is ok.
She needs alot of attention and care from you. Sounds like on some level this kid isn't looking for 'bling' (well, all teens are wanting that!) but some mother/daughter stuff.
Do you spend time together? I would suggest taking an afternoon and going to a movie together, or out somewhere, maybe somewhere she can talk to you...take her out to lunch, and don't lecture her, just be a person.

I work with young teens. The girls rip my heart out. Most so want love from their parents, even when they are raging all over. I remember how hard being a teen was, how lonely.

Let her know she comes first...she does, doesn't she? Let her know that she and your son are the most important thing in your life, man nonwithstanding.

It's great that Ike is trying to play a part in their lives from where he is, thats nice, but what do the kids think about it, really?

Most young girls and even boys have alot of mixed feelings when mom hooks up with somoene if dad isn't in the picture. I would say spend some quality time with her...evne if she says she doesn't want to. Make sure you start the custom of 'family night' where you, your daughter and son do something fun together.

The other custom I believe in and insist on is a meal together a day. I know this is hard for some of us that work, but mealtimes where maybe she helps you prepare the meal, along with your son, will help to make more of a 'solid' family.

She may have very mixed emotions about Ike that vary from resentment, to curiousity, to affection, to hate, to jealousy, to seduction, to wanting to be daddys girl, to hating feeling like that, to feeling left out, etc.

Feelings are normal, and when you are 15, they are everywhere. It can be a very painful time sometimes, too.

Give her lots of reassurance, and lots of love. Give her boundaries too. She may not really need things, sometimes on some level she wants a curfew, wants to know someone cares about how late she stays out, what she does. She'll fuss, but she needs to know that you care about her.

Its a hard age, and it's hard being there. It sounds like you're a good mom, and that you really are trying to balance everything, and thats always hard.

take care,
Fyre

sorry to sound redundant if i do and this has been said a million times. but there are more issues here than just Ike. perhaps you two should seek counseling, because you've mentioned way too many thiings in your post for her anger to be just about your relationship with Ike.

but to answer the question, my hubby has teenaged daughters, and yes, there was a time when the youngest one tried to play those games. i told him to handle her and keep me out of it. i don't have time to get involved in that drama. so far, so good.