Ok, now we have our own forum there's a problem I've been landed with that I need advise on.

I got a call from a friend in Illinois last night asking me if I knew a certain woman over here who's got involved with an inmate, like we all have. The only thing is her guy is going around bragging that he has 6 women on the go and is taking them for all he can get. I was asked if I could warn her and tell her not to send him anything else, he's getting plenty from others.

I've actually met the woman concerned and did try to warn her then as I'd seen her man with someone else when I was visiting. She didn't take too kindly to it then so you can bet your life she wouldn't now. She was even told by the gatehouse staff during a visit that some inmates have women all over the place and use them all. Now, that should have sent warning bells off but she's infatuated and didn't hear them.

My first instinct is to do and say nothing as I'm sure she'll just think I'm trying to be nasty but, when I think about it, I'd have wanted someone to tell me if I was being used like this. I feel that whatever I decide I'm going to worry about the consequences so, please, a little input from those who, like me, are in a loving relationship would help. It's this sort of thing that gets all our men tarred with the same brush and we all live with the stigma of those inmates who treat their women with such contempt.

Rose

Hun, if you already tried and she didn't hear you, I'd say give it up!!!!

But if your conscience still nags at you, send her a kind, anonymous letter saying what you know.. and then leave it at that. (I say anonymous because you don't want any of this coming back on your man.)

Because you've done all you could.. plus you never know what goes on between two people... maybe she doesn't mind sharing and has an "open" relationship...

You never know...

(Saying this because I am in an open relationship...*wink*)

Maybe you could print out what your wrote here and give it to her? She might not hear what you have to say, but maybe she will read what you have to say. And, she will know that you were concerned about her in a caring way.

It could be be good to let it drop though, I mean like Qwerty suggested, there comes a time when the safety of your man becomes much more important.

I went through something like that once. The woman and her girls and grand-child would come and see this guy and you would have thought the world was theirs.. One weekend I go for a visit and she wasnt there. So when I got inside, I asked her guy ( cause he was there with someone else) and he tried to pass this chick off as his cousin (kissing I guess) and how the other woman and myself were good freinds( I thought) the following weekend. We were waiting outside and asked her why she wasnt here the past weekend.She said that her man, had told her that "he was playing in a church band and had wouldnt be able to see her and the kids cause he had a concert to give to the other inmates"!!!!!

Well, being who I am and thinking that I did the right thing, I told her about the other girl...............!!!!!!!!!!!

She didnt say a word, that night I got a call from my man telling me what had happen with him and this other guy. I didnt worry, my baby has got big arms and can take care of himself. But then the woman called me at home and told me. She was upset with me because I lied and that I just wanted her man for myself.. Seems he told her I was hitting on him. To cover his butt. The next night when my man called, I told him. And thats when he schooled me on the VP .. and I have stuck by it ever since..
" what goes on in the VP stays in the VP" thats a code that all inmates live by..
Till this day, that woman will not speak to me. And yea sometimes I see the other woman up there. But I aint saying a word.
As for the man and my man, lets just say the other guy dont look my way anymore ........(smile)

I do have a hard time, with other inmates that treat women the way they do. But these woman, if given the chance to open their eyes should know...
There are signs there..

I wouldnt say anything to her and let her find out on her own. I mean after all you did try and warn her once..
Do u think if you tell her again its gonna be any different....

I just always remember the the thing my man told me on the VP and also this "somethings are just better left unsaid"

Hope this helps and just wanted to share........

Blessings
Tina

Well, I've been for a long walk this morning and blown the cobwebs away and I'm going to leave it. Instinct told me that in the first place but a bit of guilt set in as I know she was thinking of selling her home and moving across. Still, safety for both my husband and myself should be my main concern and I'm just hoping she will see sense before she does anything stupid. I'm not actually in contact with her anymore, because I dared to speak out against her guy, so I think it's best I let sleeping dogs lie.

I knew I'd get some common sense answers here, thanks.

Rose

Some women just don't want to admit it. Personally I'd rather be told, but thats me.

I did have an experience one time when I went to visit and all the regulars were looking at me strange, avoiding eye contact, etc. I couldn't figure out WHAT on earth was going on until I got into the visit and mentioned it to my hubby. He then told me that he had been getting harassed because another woman came to see him the day before and he had his arm around her. Some of the guys were really mad at him for cheating on me.

It was his sister, :D :D :D

Funny you should say that, Mrs D. One visit a few months ago there were 5 of us PTO members there together and Tony mentioned he'd never get away with seeing someone else because I knew far too many people, it wouldn't be too long before I was told.

Rose

Rose, it sounds like you have made the best decision for yourself and for Tony as well. If she didn't take too kindly to it before, she sure wouldn't now.

It is up to her to see the red flags and then act on it accordingly. One can always do this with open and honest communication.

I personally would rather see or hear it with my own eyes rather than someone telling me. That way there is no room for differences to come into play.

Keep on enjoying your visits, I know you must be so excited getting ready for this next one.

Rosa

Rose,

It appears that you did the best you could. It's up to her to make the best decision for her.

Take care of yourself and your family

Letting it go is probably the best move. Until she sees it with her own eyes, she's not going to believe it. Sad. I'd definitely want someone to tell me. Over a dozen people knew my husband was cheating and planning on leaving me and not one bothered to give me a heads up.

Rose, of course you and your husbands safety should be your main concern. And since you and others already tried to point out to her what was happening you tried to make her see.
It is sad that in these cases often the messenger gets blamed, rather than the issue really at hand dealt with.
I sure would like to be told if anyone knew I was being played, but than that's me. As much as I would hate it, but I would rather know it today than tomorrow. Also, if I found out later people knew and never gave me a heads up, that would tick me off too.

I think you're quite right; you did all you could safely or wisely do.

It's probably best left alone. I think some women know things they prefer not to know so the retelling just gives them someone to express their anger towards and best it not be you Rose. Still, it is sad. I know if it were me I'd want to know. If someone told me I might not readily believe it but I wouldn't immediately think the person had ill intentions, I'd do some investigating on my own...

Patty

Well - funny that your post pretty much mirrors one I made in another forum. I was struggling with what to do also - strange but true......what you should do will reveal itself to you. It has me. I believe all things happen for a reason and all things do come out eventually........good bad or indifferent.

You told her and the guards told her but she didn't listen. Let her be. Very sad coz the day it comes to light, she would be totally crushed. ( and missing a lot of $$$ ).

I visit like once every 3 months so I'm not a "regular" but soon his family will start visiting again (maybe??) and I wanna see if someone will tell me he had visitors while I wasn't there. But then again, over here, you have to be on his list to be able to go in.

Thanks, everyone, I appreciate all the input, eveyone saying what I knew myself helped a lot.

Babypam, we have to be on visiting lists, too, and I'm fortunate in that Tony sends me a copy of his each time he amends it. I don't ask, but he's aware there are those who scam others, and always wants to stay ahead of anyone who may try to cause us trouble!!!

Rose

What exactly does VP mean? I think you should leave it alone. And I really feel sorry for her, especially if/when she wakes up.

Personally if it were me, I would want to know. Since hubby and I have been having a bit of trouble, I asked a (what I thought was) "friend" to let me know if she had seen anyone else visiting him..she replied she would not tell me if she did...this not only hurt me but shocked me, considering this "friend" was supportive before....she knew all about us, etc.

If it was me I would want to know, and I'd appreciate someone telling me the truth. I'd hate that other people knew and the guy was bragging about using me and I had no idea when I went to visit! But, maybe she'll find out somehow. I hope so!

Rose you have done all you can do! Best wishes.

I have been to see my bf and there was a guy all hugged up with this girl and kissing and stuff, I came back the next and he was hugged up with another irl all kissing on her.

If that was me I would want to be told!!!!!!

I think I would want to pick up on red flags and figure it out myself.

iF YOU HAVE ALREADY TRIED CHANCES ARE THAT SHE IS NOT GOING TO LISTEN TO YOU ABOUT HIM. SHE WILL HAVE TO LEARN ON HER OWN. INMATES ARE LIKE MEN ON THE STREET YOU HAVE TO WEED THEM OUT TO FIND OUT WHO IS TRUE AND REAL. SOME OF THEM KEEP IT REAL SOME OF THEM ARE USERS. BUT UNTILL SHE IS TIRED OF HIM SHE IS NOT GOING TO LISTEN TO YOU. THEY SAY IF YOU SEE A FOOL BUMP THERE HEAD WHEN SHE GET TIRED OF HER HEAD BEING BUMPED SHE WILL QUIT. BUT WHEN THE GUARDS TOLD HER I WOULD HAVE ATLEAST BELIEVED THEM IF NO ONE ELSE. SINCE THEY ARE THERE WHEN THERE ARE VISITS AND THEY SHOULD KNOW WHO ALL IS COMEING. NO ONE SEES MY MAN BUT HIS DAUGHTER AND HIS BABYS MOMMA. SINCE SHE HAS TO BRING HIS DAUGHTER. I VISIT MY MAN ONCE A MONTH FOR 3 DAYS. SO MISSY IF I WAS YOU I WOULD LET IT GO. SHE WILL FIND OUT TELL HER TO HOLLAR AT ME I HAVE SOME SINCERE MEN FRIENDS LOOKING FOR A REAL WOMAN WHICH SHE SOUNDS LIKE.

dang after reading this thread, I sure am glad that the system is the way that it is here in Texas... they only get one visit per week... i can't imagine going on Saturday and wonderin who might be going on Sunday or vise versa... ewww that would bug the hell outta me... I know all the names on his visiting list and I am the only one on there that is not related to him by blood... I just changed the way that I visit, I was going every Sunday, but now I go every other week and he doesn't know if it's Saturday or Sunday aannnnddd he doesn't know if I'm really gonna skip a week... keeps him on his toes :D

As for that girl... just leave it alone... i've seen a lot of things happen over those types of situations while in the county and these guys have a lot to lose when one of their "cash cows" (yep, that's how they refer to them) get tipped off as to the game, so just let it go

It's probably best left alone. I think some women know things they prefer not to know so the retelling just gives them someone to express their anger towards and best it not be you Rose. Still, it is sad. I know if it were me I'd want to know. If someone told me I might not readily believe it but I wouldn't immediately think the person had ill intentions, I'd do some investigating on my own...

Patty

I think that some women know alot more than they lead you to believe, think about it, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to see the danger signs in a unhealthy relationship, unless you choose to wear blinders for the stay .. :cool: If you settle for less regardless of the situation then that's all you'll ever get, if you demand respect and give respect you'll defiantly get it in return. In regards to life, relationship etc if you let someone get over on you once that's life, but if you contunie to settle for less than that's all you'll ever end up with.:confused: