How do you know if you're the ONLY girl their talking to??? :( r u jsut supposed to trust just because? or is there like signs? This is the first guy ive talked to that is locked up... and u know how everyone tells u they just use you and as soon as they get out they'll be gone... :confused: so i just wanted to get some advice...

You won't know, but you can either just trust him or make yourself sick worrying. My advice to you is to Go slow, get to know him and if something doesnt seem right talk to him about it, let him know what you are feeling and thinking at all times.

sorry :)

My best advice...How do you know if any man you are with is talking to another girl or using you? It is no different than any other relationship you had had on the outside..in that respect.

HEISMYANGEL thats what i always say. I'm not really stressing on it, ive already told him all my concerns and what he says does comfort me. I was just curious as to what everyone else thought.

I made my man jump thru hoops for the first year he sent me his approved phone list his approved visitors lists showing no other women were visiting or him calling, I think if its real trust just comes with time. We had to work thru my insecurities, also my man never has or does ask me for anything so he is not trying to use me for a sugar mamma.

As others say, you can't explain it, only you will know if you can trust him or not.

Tony from the very start sent out his phone list, even though I can't be on it, and his visitors list to me. I didn't ask but he was very aware of other guys taking advantage of the women they write to and he needed me to believe in him. Like Nightbird, I get asked for nothing. Whatever I send him I do because I love him and want to and want to make sure heis life is a little better in there.

Rose

I know he writes other females, but they are all just friends. I am in contact with most of them by email. I think you just have to trust. He also sent me his visit list, and he's been nothing but honest with me about everything. Were engaged now, so I have no choice but trust him.

Yes, I think you just have to trust them. Now, if they do something to make you have questions, get to the bottom of it, but otherwise, I think you have to trust them and believe in the relationship or you'll worry yourself sick.

I have to agree with the others. Especially with what Heismyangel said: how can you know if you can trust your man, whether he's outside or locked up. it's your choice to put your trust in him. Or not.

There are no guarantees in any relationship whether it is with someone incarcerated or on the outside. Trust is a two way street. If you keep honest communication going on between you and keep your eyes and ears open, if there are red flags to be seen, you will see them and you can act on them at that time.

One can only be used if they allow theirselves to be used.

All my best to you and yours.

In time, things will come out. For some reason, it always does. Until you have proof, you just have to trust him.

Wishing you the best.

I do'nt know about your situation, but I know in mine, it wasn't so much of a worry. I believed he was writing other women that he had known before he got locked up and I didn't feel like it was my place to say anything about it.

Then one day he came out and he told me that he had stopped corresponding with other women because he thought it was disrespectful to our relationship. I was blown away by that. now he tells me when he gets mail, from who and what it says. i don't ask him to do that, he just does.

You have to trust him, there can be no strong relationship without trust

I follow my gut cuz it never steers me wrong. Also I know my man is TRUE cuz he has lead me to his famiy and best friends. He has let me have as much contact with them as possible and whenever he gets letters from other girls, like his x or his best friends wife or even PTO girls he lets me know. Just follow your heart and listen to your gut instinct

Trust your gut instinct, your internal spirit, it never steers you wrong. I would also keep the lines of communication open. Express your fears and concerns openly and honestly. There is nothing wrong with saying that I am struggling with some trust issues because of the situation. Give him the opportunity to reveal to you who he really is. All of our true colors eventually shine through.

I agree with babygirl. No guarantees with men in or out of prison. You have to trust your gut.

thanks everybody! its nice to hear positive things rather than all the negative that im used to hearing from other people. so yeah, locked up or not its true you just have to trust, cuz it can happen either way. And i like the comment about you can only be used if you let yourself when i read it i was like yeah thats true! soo thanks i aint trippin; im just goin to be happy :)

There is a great saying that I once read by an unknown author:
~Love is giving someone the opportunity to destroy you and trusting them not to~

There is a great saying that I once read by an unknown author:
~Love is giving someone the opportunity to destroy you and trusting them not to~

I reallllllly like that! :thumbsup:

You've gotten some good advice here. Let me say that when I first met Sebastian I had recently come out of a relationship with a man who completely broken my trust so I was in no way ready to just trust anything anyone had to say.

Sebastian always answered my questions directly and without hesitation. I never ever caught him in a lie. He always did what he told me he would. He introduced me to his mother and other key family members via 3-way calls early on in the relationship. These and other things brought me to the conclusion that his intentions were honorable. Fourteen months later he came home to me and he was exactly who he said he was, so see it can happen. Unfortunately we only had 16 months together in the free world as he is back in on a parole hold. Regardless, I took my time and then a huge leap of faith and it paid off! I love him...

Patty

I do'nt know about your situation, but I know in mine, it wasn't so much of a worry. I believed he was writing other women that he had known before he got locked up and I didn't feel like it was my place to say anything about it.

Then one day he came out and he told me that he had stopped corresponding with other women because he thought it was disrespectful to our relationship. I was blown away by that. now he tells me when he gets mail, from who and what it says. i don't ask him to do that, he just does.

You have to trust him, there can be no strong relationship without trust

Well said Whisk!!

With mine, he too tells me whos writing and what they say. I think my future mother in law (love her to death!!) Said it best!

......." Rob, you and Sarah cant touch or have sex, so when you are writing other women thats cheating, cuz thats all you have with Sarah is letters :)........ ":p

He still has a friend that he grew up with its like his lil sister, and i have no problems with that! :thumbsup:

He doesn't have time to write a bunch of people between work and classes. But even if he had lots of time to write others, I know he wouldn't. He has his group of people that write him and he is happy with that. Even if a bunch of new people wrote him, I wouldn't feel threatened by that. I know who's in his heart. :)

How do you know if you're the ONLY girl their talking to??? :( r u jsut supposed to trust just because? or is there like signs? This is the first guy ive talked to that is locked up... and u know how everyone tells u they just use you and as soon as they get out they'll be gone... :confused: so i just wanted to get some advice...

You wont know unless he tells you! Personally i knew that my honey had a couple of female penpals that he used to write to when i started writing to him. I didnt have a problem with it. When we fell in-love we agreed that we were going to stop writing to those that we were writing to... whether they were male or female. I had to trust that he was telling the truth. When you are in a relationship with someone you have to be able to trust them or there isnt any point, as the relationship wont survive. You shouldnt listen to what EVERYONE says to you. You should follow what your heart and mind is telling you. The best thing to do is to keep your eyes wide open!

I have never been given a reason not to trust him. When we first started writing, I asked him if he was in contact with other women. He told me the truth, yes. He also told me that after our first visit and we decided to be together he would stop writing them and have his ad pulled off the site he was on...which both he has done. So as of now I have no reason not to trust him. Only time will tell, I guess.

I'm new here and love hearing about other's stories b/c i'm pretty uneasy about mine now too! I really think i do believe and trust him but there is still that little voice that says to me, "but what is?"

I think things have a way of working themselves out.I dont agree with that aspect of checking their visiting list etc because these men have so little freedom as it is..Im not going to be his mother..I really dont think you truly will know whats up untill you can see them on a day to day basis and its a totally different situation when they are in prison..If you are dating him on the "outside" and he disappears on a Saturday night or for a few days then you know.Those "clues" you can never get while they are incarcerated.I would hope my friend that I have gotten very close to realizes I'm special and I kind of get the feeling he knows this and appreciates me.If i didnt get that vibe I wouldnt stay interested...If you send them money it tends to taint the relationship a bit because you dont know if its YOU they want or the money....Ive tried sending him money and he wont take it which kind of takes the pressure off but I wouldnt have a problem sending money if it was MY IDEA if or when I hear they start asking for money then i'd be a little leary..Like i said things have a way of working themselves out.Worrying about petty stuff wont get you anywhere..

I agree that no relationship can be healthy without trust.

The most important thing, though, is to trust yourself and your instincts. Most times if a person isn't being honest with you, you'll feel it on some level.

I made my man jump thru hoops for the first year he sent me his approved phone list his approved visitors lists showing no other women were visiting or him calling, I think if its real trust just comes with time. We had to work thru my insecurities, also my man never has or does ask me for anything so he is not trying to use me for a sugar mamma.
I am curious to something..what if your man doesnt have an approved phone list?? The other day while on the phone with my bf,i gave him another number to call me back at in a half hour.I didnt think this was going to work because i was under the impression that everyone incarcerated had an "approved phone list" To my surprise he said "ok i will call you at that number in a half hour" and he sure the heck did.I asked him about the list and he said they dont have that where he is at. I have spoke to two other incarcerated guys( on the phone) who i just have friendships with and they both have the approved phone list thingy....just curious,is the "list" a normal or not normal thing? If i was having doubts or concerns i would only have the visitors list to check out than huh?
Thanks :)

I am curious to something..what if your man doesnt have an approved phone list?? The other day while on the phone with my bf,i gave him another number to call me back at in a half hour.I didnt think this was going to work because i was under the impression that everyone incarcerated had an "approved phone list" To my surprise he said "ok i will call you at that number in a half hour" and he sure the heck did.I asked him about the list and he said they dont have that where he is at. I have spoke to two other incarcerated guys( on the phone) who i just have friendships with and they both have the approved phone list thingy....just curious,is the "list" a normal or not normal thing? If i was having doubts or concerns i would only have the visitors list to check out than huh?
Thanks :)

If he's calling you collect, he must be in a county jail. I don't know too many county jails or holding stations that require phone lists.
If he's in state or federal prison and he's calling you straight through, he's got a cell phone...which is contraband.

Heck, with all the changes going on, I could be wrong...but, I have not heard of ANY state or federal facility where the guys DIDN'T have a phone list. All prisons want to know WHO and WHERE these guys are calling.

If he's calling you collect, he must be in a county jail. I don't know too many county jails or holding stations that require phone lists.
If he's in state or federal prison and he's calling you straight through, he's got a cell phone...which is contraband.

Heck, with all the changes going on, I could be wrong...but, I have not heard of ANY state or federal facility where the guys DIDN'T have a phone list. All prisons want to know WHO and WHERE these guys are calling.

Thanks :))
Well,he's not in county,he's in a fed prison,and he most certainly is not calling from a cellphone because yes,it does come across as collect to me and i hear this god awful recording about "accepting a call from such and such inmate"....Seriously thats why i was blown away when he called back at the other number...now i know no DOC is gonna put a number on a list that darn fast,lol....but again,thanks for your help

How do you know if you're the ONLY girl their talking to???

You don't.

For the record, Missouri don't have phone lists. So long as they have phone minutes available they can call any number (landline or cell) that they want.

That might be changing in the future because of the behaviour of some idiots, but for now Honey can call me anywhere I happen to be.

You can't know. Besides, why do you care? He's not the only man you talk to either is he? You must interact with all kinds of people every day. Why can't the same apply to him?

If you're talking about "am I the only girl he's having a "thing" with?" - you can't know that either. The only thing to do is be patient, take things slow and let time work with you. Sooner or later you'll know what's what.

Thank you Storm, for correcting me...I thought the phone cards was all gone away with by now.

But, if she's hearing a collect call message...what could that be? You wouldn't even hear that...oh my goodness, I hope he isn't calling you collect from a cell phone...I'd hate to see that bill!

Girl I would suggest to take it slow. I worked in an prison, that is how I met my man and some do try to take advange. Don't send him money just be his friend at first. When he starts asking for stuff, step back a little. My man has never asked me for anything. Good luck, there are some great ones out there, remember that. Give him a chance.

Hey Dopey'sGrl - there's no more risk involved getting to know someone who's locked up as there is getting to know someone who isn't. People make assumptions about those who are incarcerated but those assumptions are based on fear and personal bias. Some think that all incarcerated people are worthless and out to hurt others, but that's not true. Those who are locked up are just as human as those of us who've never had to pay a price that sevear for our mistakes. If you're scared then maybe you should just keep a friendship with the man you're writing to - that certainly wouldn't make you a bad person. But if your heart says to give him a chance then go for it.

P.S. I agree with loulou97. Don't send him money and if he asks for things be cautious. My man never asks for anything except lots of letters to keep him company. He even earns money to send to me money orders to pay for his collect calls. That's how I know he's truly in it for me, and not just for what he might be able to get out of me.

California doesn't have phone lists, we just have to sign up for phone calls on a list but they don't keep track of who we are allowed to call or not allowed to call.

You Will Never Know His Intentions Until He Is Released From Prison! Take It Slow And Just Wait Until He's Released

Gonna have to agree with TB...I wont know his true intentions until he's free. I can only go with what Im being told and my gut instincts.

this is something i've been thinking about myself but i have my own trust issues in jail or out. i meet my inmate threw my brother and infact it wasnt untill my brother was out for several months that i got a letter from him out of the blue addressed to me. he has not asked for anything from me besides the letters i send him and he tanks me for writeing him back everytime. i've have a lot of trust issues with men and i told him this and he understands me and rudy have never talked other then just the wave hi when i would go visit my brother and the hello from the background when talking to my friend ryan on the phone who was also in the same tank as him in county. its wierd but we have a alot in common and are making plans to hang out and get to know each other further when he gets out in may. everything tells me to believe he's lieing to me but he does not know me and everything he says speaks to me in a way no guy has been able to in a long time so for now i'm just going to write get to know him and let things happen the way its ment to.

trust ur instinct. talk to him/her about ur feelings. i think its the same as meeting someone in the street regardless of where they are u never know what there intentions are until u give it a try. if u feel its not right let it go but just because they are locked up doesnt mean that they are all bad people and alot of people think that because they are in prison they are no good i met my man while he was incarcerated and it was the best thing that ever happen to me