I think one of the main reasons people who have married while their guy or gal is incarcerated, stands a chance of surviving is due to the communication we have with each other.

For those of you who visit, think about it how many couples married or just living together in the free world sit and talk with each other for as long as we do on a visit each and every week or when we go?

How many couples sit and spend the time talking to each other in the way we do in writing like we do?

Married to an incarcerated person gives us the ability to learn alot and learn how to share that other couples on the outside do not have that advantage of.

Communication if done honestly, is the key to a success I believe. We also have the distinction of being friends before we become lovers. Often in the free world this does not happen.

So happy communicating to each of you.

You make some valid points. Sebastian and I are not married and intend to do so but not in the prison, just a personal choice. However we have a strong commitment to one another and I really do believe that we would not be as close as we are had we met in the free world first. Mind you, he was paroled and I do now have that experience with him as well. Still communicating without the interruptions of friends, family, work, not to mention sex (which let's face it chances are he and I would have done the deed before we knew anything about one another under different circumstances) has given us the opportunity to nurture a love that can survive just about anything, even re-incarceration. Honestly I learned MUCH more about him during the first bid we did together than once he was home. Food for thought. Great thread!

Patty

I think you make a good point about the level of communication that we have considering our current situation. We have our letters and we discuss everything. I do have some concerns though that once Nuro comes home that the other realities of married life like kids, bills, daily struggles will impact that communication just as I feel it has with other "regular couples". We have vowed NOT to let it happen; but I guess only time will tell.

Well, I believe that every situation is different and depends on the individuals involved. It takes TWO to make any relationship work. And I do agree that, at least in our case, ERic and I had the advantage of becoming best friends before we fell in love and got married. We wrote to each other religiously for two and a half years, building a foundation of freindship first and foremost. Communication about everything, including the good and bad stuff, is paramount to any relationship. Only after a good bit of time went by did we allow ourselves to admit we had fallen in love and became willing to make that big commitment to each other. I liked what you said about couples on the outside not communicating like those with lovers inside prisons. Ihave seen couples sitting in a restaurant together eating a meal but not sharing one word during the entire time. Keeping the sparks alive is also paramount.

And as I said earlier, it takes TWO in ANY relationship to make the relationship work. It can never be one-sided. Every relationship requires effort from both sides, as well. Relationships are a lot of WORK..l.but usually the good kind and the kind we do willingly because we love that person.

In any event, I am loving my relationship and my husband no end ... he has supported me more than any man I have known on the outside.

Happy Valentine's Day, everyone!!! :love: :love: :love:

YES. there is no way I would have kept my hands off him anywhere NEAR this long without all the, uh, help from NYSDOC. And I would like them to know that enough's enough already LOL...but the mental/spiritual focus has been a rare and wonderful opportunity to grow together and get truly comfortable.
I know there will be adjustment issues to face, and I get a little unnerved when I read posts where people are expecting the guy to get out and be employed by week one, promoted by week two, never spend a minute out of their arms...esp as I read what the ex-prisoners in here say about readjusting. It's HARD. Really hard. Nobody has a crystal ball, nobody can say for sure what tomorrow will look like- which is also true for the suburban yuppie couples kissing goodbye in the breakfast nook each morning.

I am not expecting endless unruffled bliss with the Last of the Red Hot Lovers riding out of the sunset to swoop me up on his big white horse. But what I know I have is a wonderful human being with whom I am united for life in friendship at the very least, because we have communicated throughout this whole huge nasty adventure. That to me is a triumph in itself.
PS, I am speaking as a girlfriend not a wife. But I feel more married than I ever did when I was married.

Great and Valid points!!

if I met him out here, we might not have been such wonderful friends as we are now, we created a very tight bond and talk about anything and everything, out here, things get rushed and instant gratification is what life seems to be about...friends before lovers is rare these days...I am glad I got the opportunity to meet someone this way actually! I would not trade it for the world!

This is a great thread and I totally agree!!

PS, I am speaking as a girlfriend not a wife. But I feel more married than I ever did when I was married.

That goes double for me!

Patty

I totally agree with this. My fiancé and I have amazing communicating skills, we always talk to each other about how we feel and what not. We know that the only way we will make it through his incarceration and then him coming home and adjusting to each other is if we talk about everything that btohers us.

We communicate more than most couples not dealing with prison, because well, it's all we've got.

I think one of the main reasons people who have married while their guy or gal is incarcerated, stands a chance of surviving is due to the communication we have with each other.

For those of you who visit, think about it how many couples married or just living together in the free world sit and talk with each other for as long as we do on a visit each and every week or when we go?

How many couples sit and spend the time talking to each other in the way we do in writing like we do?

Married to an incarcerated person gives us the ability to learn alot and learn how to share that other couples on the outside do not have that advantage of.

Communication if done honestly, is the key to a success I believe. We also have the distinction of being friends before we become lovers. Often in the free world this does not happen.

So happy communicating to each of you.



I totally agree with you on this I've been with my man 11 yrs and he is my best friend, my soulmate and my lover. Communication is a super big plus. Thanks for sharing.

There is something to be said about marrying your best friend. I feel we know each other much better than if we had a traditional relationship. I think our relationship is stronger and will last the test of time.

Today when he called me, we discussed this subject-how we have come to know each other so well through all the letters we've written and he said it will be all the more special when we are together out here because we had to wait so long, but had communicated all this time.

So, I agree. I think we get to know our guys on a deep level through the visits, letters, calls. Really get to know what they feel, and what they think, and they get to know the same about us.

This post amazed me! Thanks for sharing :)

Great points!!! One of the reasons why the prison chaplain married us without counseling was that both of us stressed how our correspondence concentrated on getting to know each other well and talking about everything from our pasts to our future plans. Communication is the key to any relationship, but its vital to those of us who met our guys after they were incarcerated!

I agree 100% with the communication...........that plays a key part to any relationship. I have had 2 long term relationships and they did not work out as well as the one I have now. I met Ron before he got arrested and we have grown together during phone calls and letters. Our love is now that he proposed to me in December and as soon as the FLDOC lets us we will be married. Thanks for the post.

Fabulous thread. Communication is indeed key. I am thankful for the friends before lovers aspect of our relationship!

Great thread and points.

Having met my friend while he was incarcerated, allowed us to develop a rapport/relationship based upon open communication, since communicating was the only thing we could do. :-)

Getting married while he was in prison (there was a point when things were stronger between us during his incarceration) was never something neither one us wanted to do. For me, since I had never been involved w/ anyone in prison and didn't know him prior to, I couldn't see myself getting married in prison, for personal reasons.

At times, incarceration can be a foundation for building a strong relationship, b/c there are little outside interferences. When they come, that's when a different set of challenges begin.

Each situation is different; therefore, each person has to do what's right/best for them.

seriously, i rarely hear of an incarcerated marriage not working out. as opposed to the rest of the populatiom, what is divorce at 60% now

You know what communication is everything rather it be letters,phone visiting, ect. How many people that are married actually sit down and have a conversation with there spouses? I feel that we are lucky to have great men in our life. I remind Ike of this on a regular bases just cause your in prison does not make you a bad person. You are still a person that has feelings and you deserve to be loved just like everyone else. Just cause your in prison does not mean that you are not a good man for a relationship.
Communication if done honestly, is the key to a success I believe. We also have the distinction of being friends before we become lovers. Often in the free world this does not happen.

My points exactly. I know of no married couples that sit down for six hours each week and talk about anything and everything. Not to mention what we discuss on the phone and in letters.

Even eating sometimes they do not eat together because of schedules, so where is the communication except for in bed sometimes and sometimes not with work schedules.

This is why I think "we" have an edge.

I have to agree with you there. When I visit I'm with Tony for a minimum 4 hours a day for 10 days straight. I can't count the number of people who ask me what we find to talk about. Some have even said they don't talk to their wives/husbands for 4 hours a week, let alone each day. I always tell them they should be ashamed to admit it and go home and have a conversation!!


Rose

I don't know about you guys but we don't tend to run out of things to talk about :ha:

i totally agree too !!! me and my huney had talked about this and he stated that he is glad to have met me while he was locked up. From his old ways, he was very disrespectful to females (before he got locked up) but i opened his eyes to find what love is and how it feels to be loved....

that is so true! i know that if we had been together on the outside first we never would have gotten to the point of closeness that we are at now. . . you just dont take the time to sit and talk with someone on the outside like we do when we see and write to uor guys. . . its sad really. i know that now, if mine ever comes home, we have established an amazing path of communication that will help us get through anything this life tries to throw at us.
:thumbsup:

I think one of the main reasons people who have married while their guy or gal is incarcerated, stands a chance of surviving is due to the communication we have with each other.

For those of you who visit, think about it how many couples married or just living together in the free world sit and talk with each other for as long as we do on a visit each and every week or when we go?

How many couples sit and spend the time talking to each other in the way we do in writing like we do?

Married to an incarcerated person gives us the ability to learn alot and learn how to share that other couples on the outside do not have that advantage of.

Communication if done honestly, is the key to a success I believe. We also have the distinction of being friends before we become lovers. Often in the free world this does not happen.

So happy communicating to each of you.

God, you are so right Baby Girl. I have a level of communtication in my marriage that others can only dream of. I can tell him anything no matter what it is, and I've never been scared to.

Our relationship isn't based on sex and that will almost always keep a relationship in tact.

I met my man before he went in but we didn't start a relationship until after. Like some of you had said, if we had started up prior to him being in prison I definitely would have started with the sex and then maybe started getting to know him. Never would I have known him as well as I do now. We never run out of things to talk about either and I've never known someone so interested in finding out every little thing about me like he has. You just can't over state how important all the communication is and I think you're right that it's definitely a factor in making for a successful marriage.

I have to agree. I feel like if a person can stay down with someone that has nothing to offer them but their love they can make it thru anything. My husbands and my favorite song for us is New Editions "Can you stand the rain", because this is one heck of a storm. :) But we are, have, and will make it thru it together.

agreed. like someone else said, we have a level of communication that others on the outside dont even think exists; we have had to learn to trust each other just as you do with someone on the outside; the biggest difference i can think of is that for a guy on the outside he can go to the store and buy you flowers to try and show you he is serious, whereas a guy who is locked up has to be more creative, draw you a card, write letters every day, stay out of trouble, which living inside those walls can be extremely difficult. . . there are so many other things but my mind is mush tonight.

I have to agree. I feel like if a person can stay down with someone that has nothing to offer them but their love they can make it thru anything. My husbands and my favorite song for us is New Editions "Can you stand the rain", because this is one heck of a storm. :) But we are, have, and will make it thru it together.

I think one of the main reasons people who have married while their guy or gal is incarcerated, stands a chance of surviving is due to the communication we have with each other.

For those of you who visit, think about it how many couples married or just living together in the free world sit and talk with each other for as long as we do on a visit each and every week or when we go?

How many couples sit and spend the time talking to each other in the way we do in writing like we do?

Married to an incarcerated person gives us the ability to learn alot and learn how to share that other couples on the outside do not have that advantage of.

Communication if done honestly, is the key to a success I believe. We also have the distinction of being friends before we become lovers. Often in the free world this does not happen.

So happy communicating to each of you.

:thumbsup: :thumbsup: :thumbsup: so very correct, even now, Kenny's home we still have so much to talk about, and do, There is nothing, and i really mean nothing the two of us don't know about each other, and I thank prison for that, both of us have had failed marriages and didn't ever want to go down that road again, thanks to all the communicating we've done over the past 3+ years, his homecoming has been perfect.....

this thread is on point! very good points.

When I read this thread I can agree with much of what has been said, but I disagree with some facts. Many more marriages of incarcerated spouses end in divorce. Some of the data links it the lack of employment opportunties as that is one of the largeest barriers for ex-offenders is employment. Finances are also a huge issue in marriages as a whole, second to infidelity.

I do agree that the communication during incarceration can be some of the most profound and intimate discussions that we may have; but often times upon release those skills that have been nutured both out of desire and necessity sometimes become second and third to everyday challenges.

I don't disagree that these relationships can survive and thrive, I just wonder what the real number is. I don't say this to be negative, as I am a wife of an incarcerated man and I love him whole heartedly. I knew him before he went in, but we married afterwards. I know that the relationship that we developed while he is in was nothing close to what we have now; but I also have to commit and try to support all the obstacles and hurdles that will come his way and fight for the communication that has brought us together in the first place.

I guess like Nuro'sWife said, I too worry about what happens when everyday life like bills, children, etc. don't have to come to a visiting room, they are just there in the middle of our communication?

I haven't married Tommy yet but we plan on it. Ive known him 17 months and never shared a bond so deep with anyone else....locked up or free. He's my best friend and I can tell him anything with out the fear of him turning his back. Communication is the key and I think that if u have that and trust then u cann make it last forever. Distance does make a heart grow fonder as well.

~Bella~

Because our loved one is in prison, we know that the odds are against us from the beginning. So the need to work on the marriage is greater. You don't take the other person for granted as with couples who are together physically each day. It can last but with much love, hard work and support. Be Blessed everyone!

you know its true but at the same time if everyone married on the "outside" would take the kind of time we do to communicate and NOT take one second of our time together for granted then probably we would have less divorces all around. . . .

any marriage takes alot of love, hard work, support and COMMUITCATION.Because our loved one is in prison, we know that the odds are against us from the beginning. So the need to work on the marriage is greater. You don't take the other person for granted as with couples who are together physically each day. It can last but with much love, hard work and support. Be Blessed everyone!