Okay ladies, I’ve got a question regarding abusive relationships for anyone who cares to answer.

Some time back I became friends with a lady who was (and remains to be) committed to a relationship with a man who is emotionally controlling and, at least from my perspective, abusive. Her only other previous significant relationship was with a man who was physically and emotionally abusive too.

In the course of culturing our friendship I listened to her speak of her many female friends in the area, and I couldn’t help but notice that most of those she spoke of were also subject to physical violence and/or emotional abuse by their husbands/significant others. It seemed as though almost all her other woman friends and co-workers too were committed to unhealthy relationships with men. What I found particularly odd was that while I have many other female friends in my own region with which I maintain platonic relationships, very few of them have been involved in unhealthy relationships, and those that were got out fast.

After giving some thought to it I realized that the area from which my friend is from is economically depressed … very little in the way of industry and above-average public welfare rolls, while the area in which most of my other female friends live is economically healthy. I am therefore inclined to believe that money, or the lack of money, is a common thread to women becoming involved in abusive relationships.

Feedback ladies?

I don't really think that is the way it is.. My first abusive relationship was when I was 18 and it lasted well over 10 years and 3 girls later!! We were not rich and did not live in the poorest area. I grew up in a home with 2 loving parents that have been together sense their were 12 and 13 they are now 58 and 59 years old. I really think it has to do with self esteem and how the man pretty much gets you to think that no one will love you or want you for some reason!! My second one (abusive relationship) was because I knew no better. and I thought that I could save him..
Back to the question Their are women who are very wealthy that are abused just as much, cops wifes, Men come from every where that abuse!!!

One factor abusive relationships do tend to have in common, moneywise: His money is his money. Her money is 'our' money. I do know, too, that I would have gotten out of my relationship with Garry faster if I'd had greater liquidity. Hard to earn much with a cretin pulling the strings. But there are women in those situations who are successful professionals, so it is far from the main factor.

The primary indicator of abuse is the personality of the (usually) man. That is formed by many, many factors, but the result is a human who is totally ego-driven, may have had a narcissitic parent, who cannot actually feel the emotions of another person, who is perennially unhappy with the way the world values him. The two main factors seem to be parenting and traumatic incidents, like great physical pain, extreme deprivation or war. The poor may be exposed more often to extreme deprivation, but basically that's only one factor. And I live in a wealthy community that still has its share of abusers.

Ladies: I am well aware that abusive personalities can be prevalent in men from all walks of life, and that even some wealthy women are committed to abusive relationships. Clearly psychological issues existing in both parties are a proximate cause (I know men who were subject to abuse as children often grow up to become abusers themselves, while women who have been abused become acclimated to it), but those things do not explain away that it seems abusive relationships are far more common in economically depressed areas than they are in economically healthy areas. In other words, based on my observations of my many female friends and acquaintances, I'm inclined to believe that abusive relationships are both the product of nurture and nature too.

The question I then have for those of you who have been are are yet involved in abusive relationships is this: If you had the money to make a clean break from an abusive relationship without having to worry about how to pay the rent or buy groceries, would you have or would you now be more apt to extract yourself from that cycle of abuse than if the money wasn't there to do that so easily?

I can not count the number of well off, well educated women in prison I met that were in absusive relationships. Many of them HAD the means to leave and yet they opted to stay; some stayed out of fear, some stayed for the kids, some stayed because they kept believing the guy saying he'd change. Just giving this a quick thought but three women come to mind - a flight attendant, a lawyer, and a bank CEO. They ALL had great incomes and supportive families but they stayed right up until they went to Federal prison.

I can answer that for you darling from experiance!! Hi friend. We can't afford attorneys or housing without them. Get it!!!

As a survivor of DV, I did a research paper for one of my MBA classes. DV occurs equally among all social class and all races. Those in lower social classes may (no real proof) be inclined to stay in the relationship longer, not seeing an out to the situation, but the frequency of the abuse is the same regardless of income level.

I'll look around and see if I still have the paper - lots of interesting facts.

I've heard that lack of money can be a big factor in abuse cases. It adds stress.

Lack of money does not create abuse. It may not even create stress. One must budget whatever income he/she has and work with it. I raised my kids by myself and paid all bills on time by working two jobs! I didn't get any help from anyone. Others could do it as well. Yes, it's more difficult if you have preschoolers who need full time care - but it can be done if you want it badly enough.

Good point about some women staying because they feel they have no place safe to go and don't have the money to get out on their own. If it's bad enough, take the kids and go to a shelter and they will give you help and advice. Social Services can also be of help in getting housing and food and medical care for you and your babies.

You can be free of the abuse without an attorney (at least to begin with). Even if you get a divorce, that isn't going to guarantee that he'll not come after you and beat you up. It happens all the time. So don't use that as an excuse to stay. Love yourself enough and love your children enough to get out of such a situation!

Seriously I don't think its as big a factor as some may think. When I did counseling at a center I found that there were just as many abused women from wealthy homes as there was from poor ones.

I know a woman who runs a domestic violence program in LA. Her therapy is a 30-day program that starts at $25,000. She won't name names but she said that a huge female movie star who everyone knows has been through her program twice but can't seem to get away from her abuser because of her emotional issues. She said the abuser is not famous and the star is the one with all the money. And yes, he beats her senseless.

At least in that case it's about the woman refusing to face reality, not about money.

I live with DV and have for almost 20 yrs. and YES I can say for me it's only money that keeps me here now! But I personally had many options several years ago only I allowed myself to stay for whatever reason I still don't understand. Back then money wasn't the isuue and i still stayed. For me I believe it's more of an emotional issues that keep women in abusive situations. I myself have slowly watched the person I was become someone I don't even like. Abuser hurt us in so many ways, some women see it and get out before the abuser "work" is done, others "want" to believe this person that they love really loves them too. I believed for a long time that "he" really did love me, now I see what's real thanks to a good man that does love me only he went to jail before he could gelp me.

in my case i think that economics had alot to do with when i left. i was married with 5 children. i talked him into letting me enroll in college and as soon as i graduated and had a good job, i was gone. self esteem also had alot to do with it. i graduated at the top of my class and worked with people who thought highly of me. i suddenly realized that , yes, i was worth something. between the two, it gave me the courage and the ability to leave a 20 yr. marriage. my only regret is not leaving sooner because it has had a terrible effect on my 5 boys.

Abuse is nothing to live with and nothing to be absolute. As a male that was living with a woman that I am truly in love with can't stay with her cause of the fact that we can't seem to manage our stress in our lives and manage to push it onto the other person. Drugs are also not the solution it just adds to the stress. Plus abuse is not just limited to physical but also psychological as well. Name calling is not the way to go when something doesn't go YOUR way. Though I managed to get help and leave the relationship 10 yrs ago we are now talking about getting back together for the kids however I know for a fact that it will not work until she herself gets some tools to manage her stress and learn to handle it in a more positive way. Lack of money is never the issue. There is budgeting and taking steps to manage ones' finances. Its all about keeping ones house in order and not letting the creditors sneak around and take larger chunks of your money then expected. For me it was my higher power yes that is God. He is the Creator and will aide your if you allow him too. For a relationship to work you must work at it. This means you BOTH need to work at it. Also you must give 100% this is not a 50 50 then you are both half baking it. 100% is the only way to gain the advantage. Yes I love her with all of my heart. I just hope and pray everyday that we can get back together to get another shot. Thank you for your patience and time in this matter.

Lack of money may be a factor in adding to a person's stress, etc., but not having money doesn't give someone the right to abuse someone else - period. Someone who abuses another person on any level doesn't do it because of a lack of money; they do it because of a lack of respect.

As a survivor of DV, I did a research paper for one of my MBA classes. DV occurs equally among all social class and all races. Those in lower social classes may (no real proof) be inclined to stay in the relationship longer, not seeing an out to the situation, but the frequency of the abuse is the same regardless of income level.

I'll look around and see if I still have the paper - lots of interesting facts.

please if you have it i'd like to know.

i have never been a victim of DV...but had an ex that probably would have hit me if i had ever let him. i was also leaning towards the belief that DV happens all over, regardless of income level.

Money can be a factor from many angles, but not the cause.

A dear friend of mine founded a grassroots self help group for men who wanted to break the cycle and I had occassion to interview him once on this subject. His statement concerning the relationship between domestic violence and money was, in a nutshell:
Men are still wired to be the breadwinners, and the loss of income or the financial success of his mate can trigger feelings of frustration, fright and helplessness... which can, in turn, trigger abusive behavior.

I saw for myself a spike in domestic violence in my community that had a very predictable pattern....5 to 8 weeks following a round of layoffs at the local mills back home, the police blotter would suddenly be in full bloom with such reports and the local women's shelter would begin putting out the word that they needed volunteers and supplies, and the women who came to the food bank where I volunteered were sporting more makeup, sunglasses and long sleeves...doesn't take a rocket scientist to add two and two.
I personally was involved with a fella who treated me very well, until I got a job I loved (I mean LOVED, I'd have done it for free) that just happened to pay me about 150 a month more than he made....turned out that me "providing" for the household was a little more than his ego could take, made him feel I no longer needed him...funny thing is, I didn't stop needing him until it dawned on my that I didn't need anyone who thought menacing me, running me down, calling me names and accusing me of all manner of bad behavior was okay.(He hit me once and that was that, I was history)

Many women do stay because they are without financial resources of their own and somehow think it's shameful to turn to a battered women's shelter or even to their families or friends, especially if there are children involved....it is scary to leap when you think you have no net.

That was not the case in my relationship (abusive) with my first husband. We married very young, i was 17 he was 19, my grandparents and parents provided us with a brand new house new furniture and a brand new car as wedding presents. If we couldn't pay bills they were paid for us and so on. We had no worries about money whatsoever and he was verbally and physically abusive. I stayed and tried my best to keep it quiet because i didn't want my family to know that this was going on, they liked him and i had already given birth to my first daughter. So my case lack of money was not a factor.

I think often, it is a big factor in abusive relationships. Possibly the number one reason for stress.:o

for my abusive ltr money was a big factor in the abuse due to stress