One of the things I'm so impressed on this site, is how loyal and supportive everyone is of your loved one in prison. Don't get me wrong - I'm here, too, loving my man, who is going to prison for the very first time.....with his 5 year deal @ 50%.
But I know I have my own feelings (which he and I talk about alot) about why we're in this situation. I don't know - life is hard enough, without adding things that you don't have to. And as we have all said, here....we're doing the time right along with them.....Only, in addition to the celibacy, not being able to sleep with them at night, etc., we are also working, trying to make ends meet - send them $$ for their support, as well, AND raising some kids alone. Their choices brought us all to this point - and I just wonder how you guys deal with feelings of resentment and anger about this?
I'm just starting out with this.....and I already feel like he damn well better NOT get in trouble in there and add more time to what we're already doing!! And yet - you guys have already dealt with that and so much more....and yes - I understand about the politics and what jumps off, sometimes has to be done for their own safety.....but.....we all suffer for that! And because they're in there.....it somehow seems to mostly be all about them and what they have to deal with...<sigh> But sometimes I don't know if he truly can put himself in my position and see what his choices have now done to me and how I have to live out here, while he's away.......
Anyway - sorry if it sounds like I'm whining......just wondering how you guys deal with this.......

For me personally I love my husband very much so I don't find our separation difficult because I can see the light at the end of the tunnell and I know this is not going to last forever. This is just a temporay situation and one day we will be back together. I also look at it like this my granny was with my grandpa for over forty years and she had to come to America to work for several years and she couldn't go home because she didn't have papers and she would work and send the money back to take care of him and the kids to make things better she couldn;t even call home because there wasn;t anyone with a phone in the village and letters took at least two weeks to reach each other if not a month. They endured all this for years and they stayed together until the day he died. So if she can do that I can do this with one hand tied behind my back because I truly love my husband inside and out. What ever it takes to bring him a little more sunshine I will do.

Jordanrae: Wow! When I read this I thought OMG she took the words right out of mouth! My husband is in prison and I am taking care of our 5 month old daughter. My husband has a drug problem and that is he reason he is where is. I am dealing with the anger and resentment that I feel towards him. How do I deal with it? I remember the man that I fell I love with and still love and for my daughters sake I must give him a chance to make things right. He is trying to redeem himself while in the inside and I do see a change. We have talked about what I expect from him when he comes home and what I will NOT put up with. If for one minute I think he is back to his old ways I will leave and that is it. He is where he is and nothing can change that. So for now I try to look forward to the little things like letter, calls and visits. And I try not to let the anger and resentment consume me. The true test will be when he comes home and proves to me that he has changed.

eiilopez......thanks.......you are so right. One of the things I see in my man - but also in other guys I have gotten to know, somewhat, through my man, is that once they get inside, they sure seem to get alot of clarity. They have alot of time to think - and alot of time to talk to the other guys, realize what they really have on the outside, etc. etc. But I have been somewhat disillusioned by some of these guys, who, once they get out - go right back to the old life....and end up back in. I ask them - "WHAT HAPPENED TO ALL THAT CLARITY?? ALL THAT DIRECTION, ALL THAT FOCUS??" They don't really have an answer for me, except to say, "well, it seems so easy from inside, but it's really hard out there". I do understand that......but it's hard for most all of us - and we still have to stay strong, focused and law-abiding, you know?
Anyway - I know I'm rambling, now.....but I too, have had the discussion about what I will and will not put up with once he gets out. My man is in there because of charges he got, while being "around" the drug life. You don't necessarily have to "do" the drugs, to have a drug problem, if you know what I mean......<sigh>

Jordanrae: Wow! When I read this I thought OMG she took the words right out of mouth! My husband is in prison and I am taking care of our 5 month old daughter. My husband has a drug problem and that is he reason he is where is. I am dealing with the anger and resentment that I feel towards him. How do I deal with it? I remember the man that I fell I love with and still love and for my daughters sake I must give him a chance to make things right. He is trying to redeem himself while in the inside and I do see a change. We have talked about what I expect from him when he comes home and what I will NOT put up with. If for one minute I think he is back to his old ways I will leave and that is it. He is where he is and nothing can change that. So for now I try to look forward to the little things like letter, calls and visits. And I try not to let the anger and resentment consume me. The true test will be when he comes home and proves to me that he has changed.

Your story is my story. We've been married four years, done at least a half dozen violations and then 27 months on a four year bid. Everytime the clarity kicked in until his feet hit the gate. One time he reviolated in 17 days. This time is different. He's still clean after over 2 months and working and just a different person than he was before. I can't be sure it will all be the same tomorrow, but it's a huge change and a big step in the right direction. Just prepare yourself, just in case. I've seen so many women devestated when their man, who promised them he'd changed, goes back to the bag and the streets. Don't let your guard down too early. But anything can happen, and this could be the wake up call for him.

you know, i've been on both sides of that coin. i've done time, alot, an also beenthere for 3 different men in my life. the first one in the 70's, he never went back, but, he did alot of other stuff an just didn't get caught. he put me thru hell!! my 2nd, husband an i were married for 20 yrs until he died in 2002, 30 days to me getting out. an now here i am married again to someone an he gets out this year. what will happen? i can't say, but i know i can't go back to the life of drugs an all. i have a life now an won't do it. he knows this. i know how you girls feel an i know how they feel. buit in all reality, i never ever said when i was doing time an getting out, that i would not be back, cuz i knew i would!! i loved the lifestyle. now, i say i can't do it no more. i refuse too! its hard an i even though i know what i know, i still get angry hurt etc. an we weren't together at the time he got busted. we had seperated. we didn't know where each one was at.it was funny how we found out each was busted. we'll see what happens when he gets out.

My story is a little different than yours because of 2 reasons: 1.) I never knew him on the outside and 2.) he's a lifer without a date, so, I have no idea when he'll come home...him getting to come home depends on his actions in there and how the parole board sees it.

For me, I have been doing this 12 years...my husband has been in 23 years. Just recently his points went up because o something he was asked to do. I am PISSED, to say the least! But, we have a deal that he really makes a solid effort to just stay on program, workout, and stay away from the drama. Of course, things happen, but, I have let him know that I KNOW I can do this on my own. I could just allow the kids to visit him with his family and never go back again if he screwed up. I make it very clear that I have more options than he does and that if he wants this to work, he needs to make the best effort he can in there - not for HIM, but for US.

Seing your man and talking to him regularly, I believe, helps keep the bond between there and home. All I can say to help the resentment is prayer and time. Don't let it consume you and really make an effort to release that in your heart or else it won't work. Talk about it openly and KEEP talking about it until you feel validated and understood. He has things, but, until he can see the sacrifices you DO make to keep the relationship afloat, you won't feel at ease.

Hope it helped!

If you go to the "How did you meet" thread in the HDSP/CCC forum, I think you'll see why all this is worth it to me....and we have no release date, just great hope for a successful appeal.