Many women realize that they are being abused but yet they still stay with their men and continue to let the abuse happen.. Why is that? I know when i was in one my ex fiancee' kept saying he was sorry and he would go a long time without doing it again so i always felt like he was sorry and wouldnt do it again.. Yet still it did happen again and one night it just got so bad that i finally took control and if it wasnt for his cousins I would have killed him.. Yes i say cousins cause it took 2 grown men to pull me off of him. Now when i look back at it .. I saw all the signs but I choose to ignore it ..

Why do we women stay.. Is cause many of us were abused as a kid, low self esteem, or is it just that we want to be loved ?

good question, and I am looking forward to reading the responses.

It only took one time for my ex to hit me to have me gone. I was raised by my father, and I knew and he taught me that NO man was to raise their hand to me. After that first slap, it was over.

I have been in 2 abusive relationships. The first one was with my Girls father. At first I blamed it on the drinking and the drugs but after a while I really thought that I was asking for it by saying things to him. As time Years went on it got worse and I started to fight back. I really thought after 3 kids and many years he would love me no matter what, what kind of woman was I if I could not even keep the father of my kids with me.It was bad broken noses and all!! He was the one that threw me out and I went to my parents house. I did try to work things out with him one more time and that time I threw him out. I was scared that no one else would want me that is what he said to me. Who would want a fat women with 3 kids.after hearing that so many times I started to believe it. I did get out but the abuse went on for awhile it was like a game to him. When I did finally had enough I learned to let go. I read alot of books on how to get away. The next one was with Louis who is the man who brought to this site. I guess I thought I could fix him. I'm not sure. When he went to prison I though that it would help us out but it did not. It helped me see what he is really like. So I left him. When I left him I left all of the bad boys alone.. i have a new man in my life and I really believe that he was sent to me by god.. He has shown me love like no other man has..
In short I guess I stayed cause I thought I could not have any better. and cause I really thought I could fix them.

Well i sometimes think we stay because we think we can't find anyone else and that we have a low self-esteem. the man i'm with has hit me a couple of times and both times it happend he was drinking. he was going to Anger Managment classes before he went to prison and they have helped alot.. i love him and i hope that we can work things out. i know in my heart that i do sometimes push him into it and i guess that if you hit them they can hit you back right... Well there is lots of time i hit him and he just took so we both need help and we know it.. So i guess the first thing is to recognize the problem and then work together to fix it..

jp2 Please dont let his drinking be an excuse to hit you!! In all there is no excuse for a man to hit a woman.. In order to fix some thing both of you have realize that there is a problem. Not because some judge tells them they have a problem. I wish you the best of luck

Thanks. and your right and we both have acknoledge it and he was going to counsling and anger mang. on his own that was before he got into trouble..

When I was much younger i found myself in an abusive relationship. It was my 1st real love and we had a baby...my 1st baby. The abuse started after she was born and i never would of dreamed he would of hurt me till he did. Once it started it was several times a week at least. I stayed cause i thought we was a family and we need to find a way to make it work. I wanted my kid to have both parents and i really thought i loved him. He was not the man i fell in love with but still i loved him. In the end we are the best of friends and we have always shared our daughter. It turns out we make better friends than lovers. Now that i am older and wiser i would never for no reason stay if abuse occured.

Why does she stay? She stays for a multitude of reasons.

It seems to me the bigger question should be, why does he hit?

Why does she stay? She stays for a multitude of reasons.

It seems to me the bigger question should be, why does he hit?

As that is an important question right now we are focusing on what makes a woman stay .. I am not saying that the other part is not just as important but right now as the title of the thread states .. this topic is about the women..

I think we stay because we want to be loved, think he will change, are trying to honor our vows...BUT sometimes they get you in a mind set of feeling like it is all your fault and thats when real destruction begins to your self esteem...I do know this, I will not ever be with a man who hits or abuses me mentally or physically again...it is a horrible lifestyle and no woman deserves to be treated in that manner. It takes lots of inner strength to say enough is enough and walk away...but when you finally realize how it is NOT love when a man does this to us..it makes it easy to let go.....I can only hope if someone is in a relationship like this that they will get out ASAP while they can!!!!!!!!!

:idea: WE WANT TO BELIEVE THAT THERE CAN BE CHAnGE, JUST LIKE YOU SAID. YOU HUMAN & IN LIFE YOU LEARN LESSONS. OFCOURSE YOU BELIEVE THAT YOU ARE WORTHY & YOU KNOW YOUR A GOOD PERSON SO YOU THINK EVENTUALLY HE WILL CHANGE/ THAT'S NATURAL:

YOUR RIGHT

I can say I stayed for all three of those reasons you described and one more......fear.

When I met my sons father I was 15, inexperienced, just been emancipated from my mother after my stepfather was found guilty of molesting me and all alone.

He came into my life and showed me "love"....what I had been missing my whole life. The first 3 years were cool...we argued like any other couple, sure....but he didnt touch me. When my son was born, all that changed. He became possessive, told me that he owned me, that I would be nothing without him....that no one would let me keep my child because I came from a broken home....he instilled so much fear in me and I believed everything he said.

He brought other women to the house, never trying to hide his infidelity, and would beat me senseless if I refused his sexual advances.....and I stayed. Why? Fear.

It took me turning 22 and having 5 broken ribs, a broken nose, a broken jaw, a broken wrist, 2 black eyes and lowest of low self esteem and a terrified 4 year old that had witnessed his father ramming my car with his and pulling me out of it only to run me over with it --for me to finally tell a police officer in my hospital room that I didnt "fall", but that he had hit me, repeatedly and run me over.

His punishment? 4 years in prison (he got out in 18 months)....but that was fine, I won something that was greater....my freedom.

i stayed with my ex husband for 16 years and out of that he was violent for nearly 15 years. first he only hit me occassionally, the last few years daily and i was more in hospital than at home. i wanted to leave him so many times; either by running away or with a divorce but he always threatend he'd kill me if i'd go through with it. we had three children (the 3rd one through him raping me). i was scared of him and could not tell anyone. our situation got so bad in the end, that we had the police round nearly every day and once they put me in a refugee home for 6 months but when i left there he found me and i went back to him.
my children then couldn't cope anymore and asked me to leave him otherwise they'd leave home. and so i finally did it and went to a solicitor to file for divorce. and what did he do? stabbed me the same night and i was in hospital for 6 months (2 months in coma).he cut open my whole tummy, i lost two fingers, a few teeth, have scars all over but i am now finally a happy and confident woman again and would never let anyone touch me anymore.
i stayed because i often felt sorry for him and as he drank a lot i blamed it on the alcohol. sometimes i believed him when he said he'll change but of course he never did. but most of all i was just scared by his threats.
he got charged with attempted murder and got sentenced 6 years but after 3 years he was a free man again.
i have no contact with him whatsoever and my two sons haven't either(their own choice). only my daughter sees him from time to time. i left the country (i'm swiss) and now live in the uk. i could not have stayed in switzerland.
still to this day hardly anyone knows what really happend during all these years. even court and the police only know a little bit of it.
looking back now i can't believe how i could stay with him all that time.

I stayed with my ex because I thought that if he was doing this to me now, while we were together and he was saying that he loved me, what would he do to me when he realized I was leaving and never loved him?

I agree with all of you especially when the abuse is that bad.. But to say that they can not change i think that is wrong. If they acknoledge the problem and seek help i think anyone can become a better person. I mean face it ladys most of our men are locked up because they did something wrong and we all think that they can change and become better people that is why we are waiting on the outside for them.

I agree with all of you especially when the abuse is that bad.. But to say that they can not change i think that is wrong. If they acknoledge the problem and seek help i think anyone can become a better person. I mean face it ladys most of our men are locked up because they did something wrong and we all think that they can change and become better people that is why we are waiting on the outside for them.

Exactly, everyone is waiting for their men thinking they are going to change. You said the exact words that I was thinking. I personally know some men that have changed..one being my fiance. The thing he did first was realize he had a problem and he seeked helped. I have also had issues with anger and I have seeked help also and I am changed. I feel like a new person. I believe most women stay b/c they are scared and they think b/c their man hits them it shows that he loves them. Just my opinion!!

Some situations are different...some are the same. Each person has their own reasons for staying.

In my case it was fear - terrifying, heart-wrenching, scared sh**less fear. It used to make me so mad (and still does actually) when people say "well why didn't you/don't you just leave?". Yeah, okay. You spend every single day with a man who beats you up, terrorizes you, degrades you, humiliates you, alienates you from your friends and family, and if he "allows" you to work, takes control of every dime you make, then says "if you leave me or have me arrested I will kill you" - you're not going to believe that?? By then you're so completely mind-f***ed by this lunatic that you are afraid to breathe without permission. So, for anyone who thinks it's that easy, to "just leave", believe me when I tell you - from experience - that it's not.

someone mentioned we stay with violent men because we think they hit us because they love us..
at his trial my ex husband actually answered the question why he did it with a "because i loved her".
and i also had all the questions why have i not left him before by many other people. it got and gets on my nerves. specially as they have no idea what it was like and they easy say they would have left their husbands/bfs. it's not that easy.
i mentioned in my reply that my ex always promised to change and never did but i am sure with enough help he could've changed or might have changed while in prison.

The guy that abused me changed. He is drug free. He found God. He married a great lady and is expectring baby three with her. He is a changed and better man who does not abuse.

i'm glad to see that i'm not the only one who think men can change

i'm glad to see that i'm not the only one who think men can change

I believe that some men can change not all can change .. For i have seen it with my own eyes .. SO i do believe in change.. If a man learns what he was doing is wrong that is great thing and a postive thing in his and his mates life.

I think for me it was that I actually felt I deserved it, that I somehow caused him to hurt me. At the time I met my boyfriend I had a great job, I had almost finished putting my daughter through college and I had just purchased a home on the same street he lived on with his mother. We met a few months after I moved in and started getting together for dinner, to watch movies, he helped me with improvements I was making on the house etc. I thought he was a nice guy, strange sometimes but I thought it was just his personality. We ended up sleeping together one night after drinking a bit and that was it - I became his (so he said). I am bipolar, suffer from manic depression, well about the same time he and I met I decided to stop taking my meds, didn't need them anymore, making me fat whatever reason I had after 12 years of dosing - well I ended up staying in bed for 9 days, calling my company to tell them I wouldn't be there up until that wouldn't fly anymore and I had to go on family leave or short term disability. So I got out of bed and got to my psychiatrist who excused me from working for 90 days so that I could get myself back on my meds and my brain back in order. When I got home that afternoon he was so happy to see me, thought he had done something wrong, I wasn't answering his calls yadayadayada. Then he found out I had been sick and really felt bad, so to cheer him and myself up (bad mistake) instead of going to the pharmacy for my meds like a good crazy person I decided to take him to Nevada gambling for the weekend, but before leaving asked if he knew where we could score some blow - I hadn't done coke for over 12 years but I could have cared less that night, it felt good so I was going to do it. Well we did and we went and we gambled and had lots more sex before coming home to what should have been reality for any normal thinking woman my age (he is 13 years younger than me by the way) but no...the party kept going for about 6 more months. I learned alot about him in that time, he learned alot about the person he thought was me - without meds me...but in that time he hit me, he hit me quite a few times but I never really thought he meant to do it or that I really cared he did it for that matter - I got sick of him breaking my house up and eventually did have him arrested, but later dropped the charges, he is currently in custody waiting to go to prison on a violence charge, the domestic vilence arrest was dropped to a misdemeanor and he is getting sentenced on it tomorrow, 3 months concurrent with his other sentence which is 3 years. I've been back on my medication for almost a year now, still haven't gone back to the Corporate world but am in the process of opening an on-line store which should be up by the middle of next month, haven't touched street drugs since I got back on my perscribed meds and we got married last Friday. Long story short, I think that sometimes it is the situation that causes the violence to erupt, I don't say that what he did to me is right, it is wrong to lay hands on anyone, but I know that I was not sane and created a lot of the difficulties in our relationship. We love each other and have stayed together through those six terrible months and plan to spend our lives together. I don't even entertain the thought of him hitting me again, I know in my heart that he won't. He and I have both learned about our parts in those situations, what to do to avoid them and if a situation ever did come up I know that I would keep my mouth shut, breathe and walk away. And I am sure that is what he would do too.

Thanks for letting me yap.

I don't know about the change thing. I just think that if a man puts his hands on you then it's your choice to either make a change that better for you or to remain in that relationship with the hopes that "things will change". I would like to hear from some of you out there that can testify to "things have changed - he used to be abusive and violent but now doesn't hurt me anymore". Let's see how many of you are out there.

Well mine hit me a few times nothing to violent just one slap accross the face a few times. Then we started couples counseling and he did not hit me for over 6 months now he is in prison for a different charge.. So i hope we he gets out things will be the same...... And Territiero good luck to you and congratulations on your marriage................

Tojo...I do not believe many of these men can change. They benefit too much by their abuse. Too many of them adhere to their twisted beliefs...and couples therapy doesn't help. The only thing that helps is an abuser program, and ONLY when the man is motivated, which is rare. This sounds harsh, but it is reality. Many women have difficulty getting out, it's true, for many reasons, mainly fear. But it can be done. Part of their design is getting you so under control and unbalanced that you are totally focused on them, and are constantly trying to figure out what to do. Their control goes very deep. Once you stand up to them, then they find out that they cannot control you anymore. You have to be strong, but it can be done. I have done it, and I know many women who have as well. Only when we all speak out against domestic violence, and stand up to men who abuse, is there a chance it will end some day.
God Bless you all,
Marsha

I was abused by two men in my life. The first was my daughter's father. The second was my ex-fiancee. I stayed with my daughter's father( suffering from emotional and physical abuse) because I didn't want to break up the family and once he put his hands on my son, from a previous relationship, I left him the same day. My fiancee years later, I thought was a catch. He worked 3 jobs, and was joining the Air Force. He was handsome, good with children, and a great chef. He proposed and I said yes. Then, I changed my mind after thinking it over and suggested we call off the wedding until we got to know each other better. He didn't like that suggestion, and kidnapped me and beat me senseless. Broke my nose and cheek and gave me a concussion. I finally talked him into bringing me back home, saying that I felt like I wouldn't be a good enough wife, that I loved him, and thought he deserved the best. I said I didn't want to disappoint him. He bought it and when we got back to town, and I was alone, I called the police. He was arrested and I showed up to the sentencing and everything else. He went to prison for 5 years and I now see him around town. I am still scared of him. But then I found a man, who I don't fear, who doesn't hurt me in any way, and I married him. I feared and still fear these other men, but I don't let them see my fear.

i know i stayed because i didn't have the strength in me to leave. at first, you think it won't happen again, that you can fix them, etc. later your self esteem is so low or you are so afraid that you just can't. you believe all the things that he has told you and you are so busy every day trying to make sure that everything is perfect for him that you are plain worn out tired of your life. then one day something happens that snaps you back to reality and you leave. my day came when i was literally standing over my 14 yr old son who was laying on the floor so his dad couldn't hit him and i had to go to work. i took my son with me that night to work because i was afraid of what his dad might do. i started making plans to leave that night. my other boys were 16, 10,7.and 6. i hate to say it but another reason was the church. ours didn't believe in divorce so i stayed way too long. he had alot of excuses, abused as a child, premature, bipolar. he got on medication, went to counseling. nothing really had a lasting effect. i do believe that some people can change but with d/v, the odds are low.

i stayed for fear. i had been threatened by him and his family for almost my entire relationship. it didnt start until after we was married. a month after i got married i got pregnant. no where to go yada yada yada. when my son was 3 months old he broke my elbow( first broken bone ever) because i had just given my baby a bath and was giving my son too much attention. i left while he was at work ( rare occasion) and never went back

My last relationship was an abusive one. At first he slapped me, the he dragged me a few times and there was one time he really let me have it. He pounded my head off the floor a few times and gave it gave me whiplash and I couldn't hold my head up on my own for three days. My face was busted up pretty bad and he said he did it because he was high on Meth and that he loved me and thought I cheated on him. Which I didn't. I stayed 4 months, which was 4 months too long. I stayed because he always told me there was no one else out there for me and he was the only man dumb enough to want me. I don't know why in my mind I believed him. He spent a month in jail because he had the guts to drag me across the front pouch and really believe the neighbors wouldn't do anything about it. It may be weird but I do talk to him from time to time and he's not the same person I dated a year ago. He's clean now and a lot more mellow than before. I just couldn't be with him anymore because of what he put me through.

i guess u can say i stay because i love him and i know the person he can be especially when hes not on DRUGS.

I stayed because I kept the abuse a secret. I was raised not to talk about certain things that went on in the house (not physical abuse/ drugs and alcohol) and so I kept that attitude for a long time. Then after 15 years I realized I had to leave for my two daughters sake. He was never abusive to them it was always directed at me. We have all been through couselling, with the exception of their father because he still to this day says he doesn't have a problem. And 'yes' he is abusive to his now wife. Sad but true!

.. I saw all the signs but I choose to ignore it ..

Why do we women stay..
I don't know why they stay but it is my speculation her reasons are no different than the reasons of women who are not in those situations but who are in situations where she know sh*t just ain't right, stay, as well. Her and the next woman could be in two entirely different situation that they both know they should get out and if asked why they both stay, their answers could be the same.

So, in a nutshell, I feel the women stay for the same reasons other women stay with their man when those, too, know that something needs to be done. That there isn't much difference in the reasons that she stay.

Well - I was in a relationship like that for 8 years. The only goods that came out of it was 1) my 2 beautiful children and 2) - it let me to the path of my wonderful husband.

My ex bf of 8 years had an alcohol/drug problem and I always got the short end of the stick. I always asked him to leave, but I didn't have the nerve to involve the police. You just get to a point that you think about your children and how it effects them. All the fighting, yelling, you name it. One day - he crossed the line the last time and he knew it. He got mad and punched me in the eye. I went to the police that day and he also moved out that day. I really cant answer why I stayed or why I didn't leave, but I am glad that I am around to help others.

I am now an adult that saw abuse and saw my mother stay for a significant portion of my life. I looked at this thread and was interested to see why women and understanding from a child's perspective what made it not so easy for my mother to leave. I have only had one occasion where a man THOUGHT he was going to hit me, and I beat him down telling him I would kill him.

I don't justify what I did but I saw all too closely all the things robbed from women that are beaten and live in fear. It takes a lot of courage and moving past fear to leave. It takes making others uncomfortbable when you do leave. It no longer is the secret that everyone has been talking about. As the child of a father I loved dearly, it often confuses my perspective with questions like how could I love a man that beat my mother. I still have no answer for that and yet it also speaks to why women stay.

There is nothing natural about hurting each other; yet we have different degrees of pain. Physical violense, emotional violence, neglect all rob people in so many ways; but as a child I still desired to have my father's love. My mother stayed for all of that and more I am sure; of which I still do not understand.

I think the biggest reason is low self-esteem. I lived in a poor relationship with my ex for 13 years. He didn't want me to work or much else. I believe that they beat you down mentally to the point that you feel like you have no recourse. And believe it or not, we still love to SOB's. The worst part about my situation is that I let my sons live in it and watch it for all those years. That is my BIGGEST regret. I have never know either of them to be violent towards any one, but I will always fear that being in that atmosphere....you get the picture I am sure. So, if you are in this kind of relationship, GET OUT!

I guess the reasons can be various ones. For me, personally, I didn't know where else to go. He also promised not to do it again and seemed very sorry. And the stupidest one of all, I still loved him.:shrug: :rolleyes: :slap: :blush: :o

I stayed in the past because I kept thinking "it won't happen again", or I can just be really nice and perfect and he will have no reason to be angry at me, etc. I think no one leaves until they realize it is HIS fault and not YOURS. As long as you blame yourself, you stay.

I stayed in it because I didn't wanna go back to my parents house and face the failures and ridicule!

I was in a very short but abusive relationship recently, and i was about at the end of my tether when the guy went off and i had to call the cops on him for going on a destructive rampage through the house and trying to kill one of my dogs that he didn't like. The whole situation took place over a 10-week time period, and in retrospect, I realized that part of the reason i stayed was that things happened very gradually, and I was gradually getting more and more intimidated and controlled as the time progressed, and didn't really realize how scared i was of him and how much i was keeping my feelings hidden so as not to upset him. And also i kept it all secret, because i KNEW everyone would tell me to get rid of him. One red flag was that my daughter, who was away at school and would come home on weekends, told him, in front of me, that she didn't like to come home anymore because i seemed to be always scared and like i was walking on eggshells around him. That really made me think, and about a week later, he went off, and then he went to jail, and then to prison for something else. All of his negative behavior took place when he was drunk, and after each incident, he would cut back on his drinking, even stopping for a week before the last incident. So i thought if he stopped drinking, he'd be okay, and then it wasn't till it was over that i saw how much mentally and emotionally i had been affected by his behavior and how bad it was. Except for the one incident, he was just extremely verbally abusive, and he never hit me, except for when i got between him and the dog. Since he has been locked up, he has voluntarily done anger management packets, gone to counseling, and plans to go to a sober living place when he gets out. We have kept in touch, but as his release date gets closer, I realize that even if he doesn't drink, I DO find myself feeling nervous about telling him anything that might upset him or make him mad. I feel like he should STILL go to an anger management group or class, too, even though he did the packets. I feel like he's in control of his temper now because he's not living in the real world and isn't dealing with the kind of things that might happen to him once he is out and about. I DO believe that people can change, and i sincerely believe he has the DESIRE and INTENTION to, i just truly do not know if he will be able to follow thru without a lot of support and help...

I know that i havent been in this forum in a long time., but i want to stop by and say thank you all for sharing your stories.. For these stories help so many others and we may not even know it ..

Its one thing that is misunderstood and that is a woman strength.. Alot of ppl on the outside of relationships like this say if you were strong you would get up and leave.. Its not always dealing with the strength of one being but the strength of ones love.. The strength of ones love can make them stay cause in their heart they belive that they can make this person change.. In some cases men/women do change but not often..

I married someone that was so good to me and my sons that I thought I had found the man of my dreams. I just knew that I would be married to him for the rest of my life. However, the night of our honeymoon all of that changed. I knew from that night forward that I would spend my whold marriage trying not to piss him off. He was the mayor of the town we lived in and also had a couple of businesses of his own. He would beat me so bad I could not get out of the bed the next morning. I would cry and beg for help with anyone that would listen. Everyone was afraid of my ex. I didn't find this out until after I married him. He would beat me and I would say I am going to call the police anything to try and get him to stop. One night he laughed at me when I said that, and this were his words to me "Go ahead call them, what are going to do? I sign their paycheck"!! I knew then that if I did not get out of there he would kill me. I did just that....I moved he followed..so to make sure he could not find me I left the country and started my divorce. I have been divorced now for almost 7 years and these have been the best years of my life. I was with this man for 7 years and you ask why did I stay? I was scared that he would kill me or hurt one of my kids. My fear was so deep inside me that I would freeze when I would hear his truck come up the street. I knew his truck just by the sound and could hear it a mile away it seemed. I didn't understand the staying part and I was one of the people that said why don't they just leave, sometimes the over powering of FEAR keeps you there, I know it did me!

I don't know why they stay but it is my speculation her reasons are no different than the reasons of women who are not in those situations but who are in situations where she know sh*t just ain't right, stay, as well. Her and the next woman could be in two entirely different situation that they both know they should get out and if asked why they both stay, their answers could be the same.

So, in a nutshell, I feel the women stay for the same reasons other women stay with their man when those, too, know that something needs to be done. That there isn't much difference in the reasons that she stay.

I think so, too. I have fortunately not been in this situation, so it is just speculation on my part. But aside from those who stay out of fear, I would think that it all comes down to NOT KNOWING WHAT YOU ARE WORTH. Everybody is worth more than having to be beat up on, or lied to, or whatever the "bad behavior" is. I think women in bad relationships would put up with alot less if they cared more about themselves, and didn't put up with anybody who didn't treat them with respect.

I stayed out of fear. He had me believing that i wasn't worth anything, that without him, i would be nothing. It's funny looking back, i am so much more now then what i was when i was with him. He still comes around and it's out of control that he does. It's almost as if he's a boy that never grew up. He had a cocaine problem and for whatever reason, i though that i could help him. I stayed and tried everything i could, he would cheat on me and blame me for it, if i would do this or try that. But i just couldn't keep him happy. It took him putting me in the hospital for almost two weeks, i couldn't help him. He still tries to get back with me, and at first, i believed all the crap he told me, but looking into his eyes, i saw nothing.

He knocked my self esteem down to nothing. I've been told that i'm very pretty, but i couldn't see it. After getting away from him and seeing what he has done, seeing how he's knocked me down, Rick has been able to pull me out of that hole that my ex put me in. I know see that love doesn't have to hurt, it can be trusting and beautiful.

I can say I stayed for all three of those reasons you described and one more......fear.

In my situation...that right there said it all. Fear...plan & simple. At first...he would apologize & *swear* to never do it again...& for a minute he wouldn't...but, of course it would start all over again...it was a cycle I guess you could say. But, fear overpowered me...& I was scared to death to leave him. I had gave up *everything* for him...I lost all my friends, I wasn't "allowed" to speak to my mother or my sister...he went with me everywhere (including the bathroom, etc). He told me if I ever tried to leave him he would kill me...that if he couldn't have me nobody would/could...and that nobody wanted me but him...blah, blah, blah. One evening...he held a butcher knife to my throat...traced it down my stomach...poked it into my belly button...& went back up to my throat. I seen my niece & nephew's face flash before my eyes & I just *knew* this was it...I was about to die (I had "walked away" from him when this happened...he found me & done all this). My brother-in-law's 2 brother's saw what was happening...pulled him off of me & called the police. They took a report & asked if I wanted to press charges (of course I said yes)...they had him on assault w/a deadly weapon but, they took him home that next morning & we never saw a court date. :blah: I got a protection order (which he violated I know 5 or 6 times) & I pressed charges each & every time...he would be arrested & released within 24 hours (I won't say what he is known as...it should be clear)...needless to say...he walks around free...as I still to this day live my life in fear, always looking over my shoulder...

The fear that kept me there with him...is the same fear I still live with today...

I have to agree with that also...fear being the reason we stay. I was with my ex for 9 years. Of course I left thousands of times but he always found me. I thought that if I was with him I could kinda tell when it was 'gonna be one of those days'. When I left I could never tell when it was coming. I thought I was better off with him so I could prepare myself. Now I see how stupid I was for thinking that way.

yep, I can relate selena to the fear of looking over my shoulder, and the fear that kept me stuck.
I just started counseling for it. I meet with this person in the near future.

I AM TIRED of looking over my shoulder. :(:(:(

WE WANT TO BELIEVE THAT THERE CAN BE CHAnGE, JUST LIKE YOU SAID. YOU HUMAN & IN LIFE YOU LEARN LESSONS. OFCOURSE YOU BELIEVE THAT YOU ARE WORTHY & YOU KNOW YOUR A GOOD PERSON SO YOU THINK EVENTUALLY HE WILL CHANGE/ THAT'S NATURAL:


And I feel bad for my kids growing up without a dad... Because no matter how he treated me he was a good dad..

Stop feeling bad for your kids - being a dad does not include terrorizing Mom (and if you don't think kids pick up on that kind of tension, then let me tell you otherwise! My son picked it up between my husband and me before he was 8 months old . . . I didn't know until he was 10 that he had memories like that!)
Being a good dad means loving Mom and being constructive about life. If he was doing anything to diminish you then he was doing it to them also.

Stop feeling bad for your kids - being a dad does not include terrorizing Mom (and if you don't think kids pick up on that kind of tension, then let me tell you otherwise! My son picked it up between my husband and me before he was 8 months old . . . I didn't know until he was 10 that he had memories like that!)
Being a good dad means loving Mom and being constructive about life. If he was doing anything to diminish you then he was doing it to them also.
__________________


When I read about your son being 8 months old at the time and remembering when he was 10 brought me chills because my daughter was 14 months when it stared and my son was 4 months old and it went on for only 2 weeks but I had to realize I didn't want that for my kids and went to the police station to file a report that same night he went to jail and the funny thing was he told the cops he was just to jelous and didn't want nobody else to have me....

My kids dad does not have anything really to them and that is fine with me ... He is an addict and a beater and that is no way for my girls to grow up thinking that is good thing!! I would rather them learn that men dont hit women and if they do the women walk away!

you want to believe that they will change.
fear,
guilt,
vows,
kids,
and when they go away every few months on a violation or get a new term you get relief but the time that passes makes you think maybe it wasnt that bad. than they get out and the night mare is ounce more reality.

you want to believe that they will change.
fear,
guilt,
vows,
kids,
and when they go away every few months on a violation or get a new term you get relief but the time that passes makes you think maybe it wasnt that bad. than they get out and the night mare is ounce more reality.


READING YOUR POST I AGREE WITH 145% HE WAS SENTENCED 2 YRS. AT 85% TIME THIS PAST MAY SO ASK ME HOW HE'S GETTING OUT JUNE 16 I HAVE NO IDEA HOW I HAVE SO MANY MIXED EMOTIONS IM HAPPY, SAD, SCARED AND FEEL SOOOO ALONE I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO I JUST HOPE HE CHANGES AND I FIND A PLACE BEFOR HE GETS SO HE CAN REALIZA HE NEEDS TO CHANGE TO HAVE ME AND THE KIDS IN HIS LIFE...

This time apart has really opened my eyes to how screwed up things had really gotten! Mine was so jealous, he would even get mad if (in his warped opinion) I spent too much time with my son! His line was "I just love you so much I want you with me all the time". He caused me to lose a very good job, calling in excess of 20 times a day and if the receptionist told him "she is with someone" you could bet he would show up! At first I was flattered by his attention but now I see things as they really were. I am grateful for this time apart to have time to make some decisions, because I am not a big believer of "people change".

This time apart has really opened my eyes to how screwed up things had really gotten! Mine was so jealous, he would even get mad if (in his warped opinion) I spent too much time with my son! His line was "I just love you so much I want you with me all the time". He caused me to lose a very good job, calling in excess of 20 times a day and if the receptionist told him "she is with someone" you could bet he would show up! At first I was flattered by his attention but now I see things as they really were. I am grateful for this time apart to have time to make some decisions, because I am not a big believer of "people change".


Time apart is always a good thing for it helps your step back and take in consideration all what has happened as while you are together its like a whirlwind of emotions and you dont know which way to turn. I wish you all the best in your decision, what can help is the pros and cons list and see which out weighs the other. As far as him changing it has to happen cause he wants to change for himself and not just cause he wants to keep you. For that will not help him change anything , he needs to take anger management classes as well ..

who can say why women stay......i don't know why ididn't leave while he was abusing me.....the hitting didn't beat out the love i have for him, people say all the time :you need to leave" it is so eaiser said then done....i know love dosen't hit....but I also see the man behind it all the man that tries and is triying to change his life and actions that show it. they can change

I was in about four abusive relationships.. Unfortunately, none of mine got prosecuted because I was too scared to press charges. I stayed because I had a low self esteem, and didnt think I could do any better. I now realize that if people dont love me for me, then that's their loss. It took alot of thearpy, and alot of friends boosting me up, but I finally realize that now.

I stayed with in an abusive relationship for several reasons.
1. I didn't want to be alone I thought I needed him to be happy
2. He was the first person that never judged me for my drinking cause like me he too loved to drink every day.
3. I was in fear, he threatened to kill me if I left and the night before I did leave he had came the closest to killing me. I knew if I didn't get out soon one or both of us would be dead because with each day things were getting worse and worse, I had already held a knife to him a couple times to try to escape. And that night he said he couldn't let me leave because he loved me. The night I did leave he came after me broke the lock on my door but didn't get in and I had him arrested.
I had also thought that I couldn't judge him because he would get violent when drunk and in my past I would lose control of myself and be violent when I was drunk. So I didn't think I was any different then him. I finally did realize though that he is abusive and he was refusing to admit it to himself. To this day he still denies ever being violent and that he did what he did because I made him and he did it out of love.

I Stayed for loads of reasons, including:

1. I Didn't want to be on my own

2. I Thought I Actually loved him

3. We had a baby together <Which doesn't really mean anything in relationships these days>

4. I felt sorry for him <As I Got he's sob story about havin such a hard life, being abused etc,etc>

5. I Didn't love myself

6. Very low self esteem

7. I Thought I Could actually heal him.

8. Fear<------- That no one would ever want to be with me, because thats what he told me for 4 years.

9. I Wanted to be loved

10. I Wanted to help him through it all.


I Had to leave, It took alot but I Did it in the end & Ive only been out of the relationship for 9 weeks & its amazing how my life seems to be alot more better. I'm strong enough now not to melt like butter when he tries to contact me.

A Man can change but he has to be prepared to try councelling etc, my ex used to always say he'd go but never did.

"Better a painful ending than pain without end"

Hi everyone,
Scrolling down forum list a few days ago, i noticed this one (D.V.) i'm sure its been here for a while i just have never noticed it (or maybe didnt want 2) ever since i cant seem 2 get it off my mind... I guess i FINALLY for the 1st time am thinking, hum,maybe i'm in an abusive relationship. I read thred "why do we stay?" I started crying & cannot stop. Because i hear,me in these posts. It sacres the HELL out of me to come to terms with it, for 1 we are still together 2. I love him so very much,& iguess i feel i'm too old & will nwver find anyone !!! Are you guys all saying that they can NEVER really change. Nothing will ever get through to them? What do you do? I'm sorry I cannot stop crying. I better go.....


HAVE A VERY MERY CHRISTMAS & A SAFE <HAPPY & HEALTHY NEW YEAR !!!

I have to say after reading some of these post in this thread I am very thankful that my husband has never raised a hand to me in all the years we have been married. I think any realtionship has to be like a partnership with mutual respect and if a woman or man is not recieving it then that person needs to make a clean break for their own safety and sanity. Life is a gift so why go threw it upset, beaten or feeling like you are someones doormat? I'd have to move on if someone hurt me. I'm not into moving fast, flinching or telling my guy he is right all the time. Again, just my opinion.

;) I gave up my life and moved now iI can deal with every thing again you take care of you then you can help him.

Suffice it to say, most abused women have no self respect.

They don't have an education. They can't leave and they know it. Add that on top of the fact that they love the SOB that hits them, then you have perpetual motion.

You can't talk them out of it. They are either going to find it within themselves to want to live, or they are biding their time until they die.

Amy. I want to be kind but there is no way to say it other than this. If a man hits you, he is wrong in the head. If you let him hit you, you are both wrong in the head. If you let it continue until it involves children, then you are simply allowing the brutalization to continue.

Someone has to step up to the plate and say "no". If you want someone whip up on you, then that is your right. What is NOT your right is to allow it to either happen to your children or to have it done in front of your children. That is when the options stop.

You allow the abuse to yourself because you have no self worth and in some sick, warped way, you feel that you "deserve" it. This is not judgmental. Been there.

If you want to get whipped and you feel satisified in being whipped, then continue on. If you want to live and you have one single shred of self respect, then hit the road. You don't need his money, you don't need his grief.

And if you have children, that goes 10 times. You don't have to care for yourself, but you should care for the children.

Suffice it to say, most abused women have no self respect.

They don't have an education. They can't leave and they know it. Add that on top of the fact that they love the SOB that hits them, then you have perpetual motion.

You can't talk them out of it. They are either going to find it within themselves to want to live, or they are biding their time until they die.

That you actually wrote this!:eek: Women from all walks of life have been abused and it has NOTHING to do with education or socio-eco standards either!
Some women who are abused suffer from low self esteem not lack of self respect. No little girl grows up and says I want to be with a man who will be beat me when I grow up! Be realistic and from the sound of it you are not.
I would hate to have you as a friend or even as a relative and find myself in a relationship that this was happening to me because I would never come to someone with such a narrow, ignorant mindset.

Most women stay out of FEAR. plain and simple and until they overcome that fear they will stay. The other reason is that they have been conditioned to believe that this a form of love. No different than a child that has been abused identifying with their abuser.

As a child who watched my own mother be in an abusive relationship I can tell you that fear is strong. When my mom did leave it was because she was resign that either way she was going to die so she would die trying and she left and made it! But it was because she had a strong base of people willing to provide her with support.

Please note: My mother has two Master's degrees, one in Business Admin and the other in Electrical Engineering. So she is far from a uneducated and does not lack common sense. She is my Hero:)

@whiskey
i knew that if i stayed with my exhusband he would kill me.i knew that.but i thought that if he knew i never loved him as a woman loves a man he would torture me and kill me.AFTER our divorce he shot at me and ran into my legs with his cadillac.he wasnt as raging as he was when i fell in love with JAMIE.when he knew JAMIE had my heart he was crazier than he was before.so that is another reason why some of us stayed.me anyway

@whiskey
i knew that if i stayed with my exhusband he would kill me.i knew that.but i thought that if he knew i never loved him as a woman loves a man he would torture me and kill me.AFTER our divorce he shot at me and ran into my legs with his cadillac.he wasnt as raging as he was when i fell in love with JAMIE.when he knew JAMIE had my heart he was crazier than he was before.so that is another reason why some of us stayed.me anyway

That is why alot of women stay! because of that reaction and behavior

I don't know why others stayed but I stayed because of fear and because i felt trapped. I gave him too much about my life up front and he used it against me. For example he knew my mother and I clashed hard and that if I ever left home I wouldn't be able to go back so he buttered me up in order to get me to leave and then showed his true colors and I was trapped. He isolated me from friends and family (well tried....my mother never stopped calling and popping up and my two best friends never stopped being involved either). He tried to kill me at least twice and then told me if i ever left he would kill me and knew where everyone lived so i was petrified...but once the baby came I had to leave...I couldn't let her grow up like that....fear or not.

I know exactly why I stayed - it was MY home and MY work. The obstacle was to get him to leave with minimum damage. He threatened several times to go, but they were ploys, basically. Once even packed all his own stuff. But then he would start threatening that if he had to go he would destroy everything before he did. There was no way I could move 6 horses (they belonged to the owner of the place), so it was a matter of waiting for the self-destructive moment. It came. So did the police. If it hadn't, I was going to call the police when he took the truck (mine) out when he had been drinking and have him picked up that way.

Kiah, That is why I stayed too. Aside from you having his child, I had much the same scenario with my ex. I don't know how long you had, but mine had me in for 5 years. I lost Marina over him (but thankfully got her back within a year of leaving him). And if I hadn't had the strength to finally say "NO MORE!!!" I wouldn't be with the love of my life right now, and my daughter wouldn't have been with me through her illness and surgery. I had been hit, pushed, knocked down, thrown into the wall, run over by the car (twice), taken forcefully, had food and drink thrown at me, insulted, degraded, terrified, threatened...and in the retelling, it sounds like less than others have been through. It IS fear. What else could make an otherwise strong, beautiful woman endure such torment? Thank God you got away, thank God I got away. I hope our words help others to say "NO MORE!"

I don't know why others stayed but I stayed because of fear and because i felt trapped. I gave him too much about my life up front and he used it against me. For example he knew my mother and I clashed hard and that if I ever left home I wouldn't be able to go back so he buttered me up in order to get me to leave and then showed his true colors and I was trapped. He isolated me from friends and family (well tried....my mother never stopped calling and popping up and my two best friends never stopped being involved either). He tried to kill me at least twice and then told me if i ever left he would kill me and knew where everyone lived so i was petrified...but once the baby came I had to leave...I couldn't let her grow up like that....fear or not.

Kiah, That is why I stayed too. Aside from you having his child, I had much the same scenario with my ex. I don't know how long you had, but mine had me in for 5 years. I lost Marina over him (but thankfully got her back within a year of leaving him). And if I hadn't had the strength to finally say "NO MORE!!!" I wouldn't be with the love of my life right now, and my daughter wouldn't have been with me through her illness and surgery. I had been hit, pushed, knocked down, thrown into the wall, run over by the car (twice), taken forcefully, had food and drink thrown at me, insulted, degraded, terrified, threatened...and in the retelling, it sounds like less than others have been through. It IS fear. What else could make an otherwise strong, beautiful woman endure such torment? Thank God you got away, thank God I got away. I hope our words help others to say "NO MORE!"


Wow Golden! You are right! We do have more in common than I thought. Ole Boy threw a hamper full of clothes at me but the worst was when i was 6 months pregnant with Baby Girl and he body slammed me twice on the floor and then tried to bash my head threw the floor. He was good for that: trying to use my head to create a hole in the floor. He did that often enough. But when he tried to strangle me out in front of the baby and she was 11 months in the crib gurgling and laughing and I knew if I died she would never know me or the truth almost killed me right there. But God through a security guard saved my life and I still didn't get enough. I proceeded to then hold him down for 21 months of a 26 month bid...but in the middle of his bid I met my Kiah. We (me and the batterer) were off and on for almost 6 years.

Suffice it to say, most abused women have no self respect.

They don't have an education. They can't leave and they know it. Add that on top of the fact that they love the SOB that hits them, then you have perpetual motion.

You can't talk them out of it. They are either going to find it within themselves to want to live, or they are biding their time until they die.

Obviously in this instance there is a lack of education and also a lack of interest in reading. Combine that with a lack of self respect and self worth and this is what you get. Responses like this.

Obviously in this instance there is a lack of education and also a lack of interest in reading. Combine that with a lack of self respect and self worth and this is what you get. Responses like this.


Well, What can one say??

I mean yes I am guilty of loving my abuser. But I am doing something about it and that is leaving the country so he can never see me.
I wrote a Dear John letter and then another one after that. Yes mere words can make us think they are gonna change but they dont and I know he wont. He attacked the seargent and was maced and beaten for doing that. So at least now he knows what its like to be on the receiving end.
Yes I feel like a fool for still loving him but I know that this feeling will one day pass. That was the only thing that drew me in with him his way with words. But words are just words when they are not from the heart.

So I aint gonna take it from him no more. I have really decided to let go and live the way that I should freely and independently without being controlled.

Thanks to everyone who have been so very supportive with everything I was going through.

Think of me tomorrow when I fly back home to my beautiful and loving family.

Stef

Hey Steffy do you believe that last post?! I usually don't respond back to posts like that, but I just couldn't help myself!! I hope I wasn't to harsh!

Have a pleasant trip back home, I'm sure you can't wait to get there! Leave your horrible ordeal far behind you and thank God you had the strength and courage to leave. Unlike sister2006's opinion, we are intelligent, giving, and extremely strong women who's only downfall is that we have loved our men in a way that she will never know. Good luck and keep in touch! Your friend forever!!

I cheated on my b/f he caught me with someone else. I was drunk and all I remember was he was there pulling me away from this guy. He took me to his house and from then on it was the beginning of an abusive relationship.

Thereafter, I allowed the abuse to continue because I wanted to show him how sorry I was for having hurt him. We had an unhealthy relationship after that, things were not the same, there was no trust. I tried to leave, but he couldn't let me go. He loved me and hated me and he would throw my past in my face and never let forget about that night he caught me. I finally got tired of hearing it and guilt tripping about what I could not un-do, so I left him, but not without a permanent scar to my eyebrow.

Shortly after, he went to prison for illegal activities. I sought help and the rest as they say is history. His going away is when I regained the strength and courage to forgive myself and him.

Yea!!!! I just read you are going home Steffy! ((hugs)) sokie

I think we end up staying because they either make us feel speical during the non abusive times, or they make us feel so unloved that we believe no one else would ever want us. For some reason the mentality gets into the mind that we can't do better or we don't deserve better. Many people don't have a support system either to lean on, or are too scared to ask people for advice on the topic.

Fear...

Don't think there's an easy answer for this. I would say (which is very simplified) it's the Stockholm Syndrome along with a lot of other things.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stockholm_syndrome

I stayed in my abusive relationship for a number of reasons. He was my "first", he was in a boys home because of the abuse he recieved (both sexual and physical) from both his parents. I thought he doesnt know how to love without hurting because that was how he was taught. I thought I could change him. I couldnt be "another person that gave up on him". In the end he moved to AL and I stayed in TX. He was arrested (not for the abuse)and sent to prison and has been in and out for the last 12 yrs. I still stay in contact with him and I do still love him very much but he and I both know I would NEVER go back there again. I'm his friend and I've forgiven him for the way he done me. I had to forgive him in order to move on for myself. He realizes what he done all those years ago was wrong and he regrets it to this day. Sad thing is I think he would still abuse a woman that he claims to love if and when he got out again. I just know I won't be the one.

Obviously in this instance there is a lack of education and also a lack of interest in reading. Combine that with a lack of self respect and self worth and this is what you get. Responses like this.

LOL, great response. You handled that one nicely!