hello all, I'm new here. I posted in the Loving a SO forum. But then I saw this one too. If you haven't guessed my ex is serving time for a SO where I was the one who pressed charges. THe problem is that I thought I would be able to move on, but it's been over 2 years and I still can't let go. So now I'm wondering if there are any stories where the abuse did stop, if any of you stayed with the abuser after he served some years in prison over the r/s, if it would ever be possible to bring this man back into my life. At this point I feel that I'll never care for someone the way I did for him.

I really can't answer the question- I had left my abuser for almost one year... he never changed, but he didn't seek help, either.

I think one of our biggest problems is that we keep on thinking 'what if...'.

BTW... welcome to PTO... glad you found us!!!

Tanya

I haven't heard of many changing but I'm sure that some do.Something you could do is get some help for yourself and maybe try to understand why you would feel you love someone who has abused you.I wish you luck and I'm glad you joined.

They can change. How ever, help is most imortant in order for th is to happen.

I left my abuser years ago. He was one that needed help in more ways then one. Which he got. He is not the same man he once was.I know it can happen. The most thing that one needs to look at, is after some that are abused, we are not the same person either. That tends to change our relationships between each other.

alwasy rember to look after your self first. If your in an abusive situation, then you need to get help as well.

Good luck

THanks for your replies. I am getting therapy for myself and have been since this all happened. But sometimes I feel like no matter how much I try to hate him, the memories of the good times take over.

you will remember loving times and good times because you had them! those times don't just go away! and i think it is o.k. to OCCASIONALY remember them. ALSO you are not the one that has the problem. it is him. and statistically men do not change in these situations. they may "act" changed! And this "acting" can go on for years! and then one day for whatever reason they are back to their old ways! I read (in getting away with murder weapons for the war against domestic violence) that these violent offender rehab places are only really used (most of the time) to give women a long enough time to get away! i also read that on the average a woman leaves 7 times before she can get away for good. using each time to gain more strengh, and more reasorces, and find more options! I don't believe this is true of every women in these situations but the book says it is the average. and now when I think back, I left after leaving 9 times. ( i guess it just took me a little longer.) And one thing that helps keep me away is when someone told me, when i was going back the 8th time " how do you know he won't kill you this time" when i thought about it i didn't know he wouldn't kill me, each time got worse. BUT I AM ALIVE!! AND THIS IS WHAT KEEPS ME AWAY!

Vega - I understand what you're saying about feeling as if you'll never love anyone that much again. High drama is pretty heady stuff, and living day to day in a world without that can seem very tame. However, what Jaden said is SO true! You don't know that the next time it starts, he won't kill you. What would happen to the people around you if that happened? You may have to keep asking yourself that question until - by being open to new experience - you find yourself in the arms of someone with whom the drama is those sparks crackling between you! And I am here to tell you that the "sparking" kind of drama is out there waiting for you, and is SO MUCH BETTER AND MORE SATISFYING AND REWARDING AND LASTING than the fake kind that comes with the neverending fists followed by tears followed by the same all over again.
Good luck - and hang in there - and keep letting us know how you're doing!
- Jane

I can't say if my ex has changed or not as I moved away from the area he lives, as far away as possilbe. He was a karate black belt and did me so much damage, physically and mentally.
I agree with the others, next time he may kill you and that's the thought that made me get out in the end.
Now I'm in love with a wonderful, kind, caring man with whom I want to spend the rest of my life and, believe me, I thought I'd never love again. All the fear and strain has gone from my life and I've regained all my self-respect and love of life. I am, once again the strong, self-reliant person I was before. 17 years of marriage to a bully broke my spirit. It took 10 years and the love of a good man but I've NEVER been happier.
Good luck and we're here to help if you need us.

Rose

The good memories taking over is a peculiarity of being an abused woman-----that's the thinking that kept us stuck in the cycle. Plus, it's normal to remember the good things over the bad things in any situation, I'm sure. The last abuser in my life nearly killed me and yet, even after counselling, I still felt like I'd never love anyone else as much ever again. BUT----I did come to realize that what he and I had was toxic. That I could love him and that was okay, but I had to have absolutely nothing to do with him to save my own life. That he might go on and be with someone else and not abuse, but that we were toxic together and always would be. Now, abusers most of the time never do stop abusing even if they get counselling and statistics prove that, so chances of him going on and being the perfect partner to someone were slim to none, but you know how it goes-------you always want to believe they'll change and you always think maybe they did change and you just didn't hang in there long enough. But stay strong, continue with your therapy, and I'll keep you in my prayers. Healing takes a long time------it took me many years------but you'll go on to bigger and better things and this will be behind you in time. Hugs!

Thank you ladies. I guess I'm digging for hope that I know isn't there. To hear that it may be possible to love again gives me hope. Again thank you.

Vega, welcome to PTO...I was in an abusive situation years ago and I got out of it because of something I read in a magazine. I had one child and was pregnant with another. I thought of the things that could happen to them and when I read that article I split in the middle of the night carrying nothing but birth certificates and a change of clothes. Many people dont hear about abusers changing, however I have a friend who is also a member of PTO who shared her story with me. Her husband was abusive for years and one day he was in a serious accident and that changed him. Its sad that it took something as serious as that to happen in order for him to change, but change he did. When she tells me of all the things he did to her, I look at him and I say impossible!! I just hope one day she will share her story here on PTO instead of me feeding you bits and pieces...but it is a success story many might want to hear, not meant to give false hope, but to let people know that sometimes people can change..however rare it is for abusers....

Yasmeen, thank you for the reply. One of the reasons I decided to press charges was because I knew if I didn't I'd not only end up back with him, but that my life would be in danger too. But even after 2+ years it's still hard to think of myself as 'single'. I still feel like I'm almost obligated to him. :(

Vega, it doesn't state this, but are u still keeping in contact with this person?? If you are please be very careful. Most men dont change but that doesn't mean that they won't either.

In our beginner stages of out relationship Tito use to slap me around for the hell of it, i guess because he knew he had more strengths than me. Little did he know that i had more strength than his a$$ when i decided to up and leave his behind to get my life on track. ( Good for me huh) well after so many break ups and makes up, Tito moved back in after a few years and few ex-girl friends as well. The relationship was alot better. He learned to talk things out and not resort to the fist for a quick winner battle. He learned to just 'walk away'.
My only problem now and biggest fear is Tito having a relapse. But the hitting part, he left that alone years ago and that is a good thing, because Puerto Rican men are known to be very abusive to thier s.o.

As far as your feelings, i know what it is like to love an abuser and drug addict as well. If you really dont want him to be a part of your life, you must move on. and sometimes in order for you to move on you have to forget about the good times and remember the bad times when he was abusing you and not caring that he was hurting you physically and mentally. Now if there are children involved, you have to work something out, perhaps with the courts or you 2 can arrange something amongst yourselves.

I wish you lots of luck!

Maria, thanks for sharing you experience. No, I haven't had any contact with him since the day he turned himself in. I've thought sbout it a thousand times, I know his addy there. (thanks to the inmate locator) I've even thought of sending home Bday card (it's in 2 weeks) without signing it. But I know that he'd know it was from me. Just stupid.

Thats not stupid Vega, thats just something you feel like doing. It shows that u have a good heart. Maybe what you need is closure????

CLosure would be nice, but without being able to talk to him I don't know how to get it.

Hey a letter might work too you know.

I thought about that, but I'm afraid opening the lines of communication. I'm just confused because everything I think would help has those consequences that may or may not happen. I've talked to my therapist about it and I guess I'm just waiting for someone to say 'hey it's ok-send it' but I know that's something only I can decide.

Thanks for listening.

Roc city girl,mamita,veri well said!and u are SURVIVOR,MARIA!and az "ur tito knowz,"much stronger too!"u stay likethat,ok?wen he get out in 3 mos or so!

and to Vega:Hola mamita!u kno, u soun like a sweetheart!&
i hope u are able to find ur tru luvv!not sayin abusers cannotchange,but i keep hearin how u keep"rememberin"mostly the"goodtymez!"but wat i did that helped me,STAY STRONG!and move on "happily"wit my soulmate Grant was i would,at tymez,smile and think about the good tymez i had wit my Loser EX,but that was IMMEDIATELY followed by the HORRIFIC,BAD TYMEZ!i am sorri,no Amount of good tymez,is in EQUAL EQUIVALENSCE 2 even that ONE BAD SLAP,OR lighting my dresses on our stove,my heelz,my thigh hi boots! A COMPLETE LOSER!
or telling me:Sha,i will CUT ur skin,ur face,cause ur skin iz too perfect,look at u,ur TOO prettie!wen i "cut" u, then noone will "look"at or want u anymore!
lil did he know,my face/body/skin iz "so not"the most beautiful,it iz the INSIDE!my heart,took a "REAL"MAN,like my soulmate esposo{husband 2 be}grant to know this,an abuser cannot,and he also"neva"got help,i offered to even pay,he alwayz said,no!i am fyne!yea,so fyne the bastard made me LOSE OUR SON,HE SAYS HE SO WANTED,NEW YEARS EVE NITE 2001!{i was 3 mos with child at the tyme!}And u kno wat?he still,STILL, has the nerve to stalk me,harrass me,and call, quoting his"luvv"4 me!i guess his lil chickehead,e pillpoppin ho a@@ lil girls gav up on him too,they realli neva luvved him,but the one that does,u hit?threaten?{I SO, GAV UP ON HIM!}COPS ARE LOOOKIN 4 HIM AZ WE SPEAK!{4 a viol. of res,order!}9 tymes!!!!!!
like i said,that helps me "keep"movin on from that PSYCHO,LOSER,BASTARD!NO memories of the few good tymez we did hav iz in *equal equivalensce* to all the threats,{mental abuse}and the physical abuse,he had put me thru!!!
i am prouder,alwayz been proud but much stronger and prouder az a WOMAN!not to even"want"hiz loser a@@ anymore!HIZ LOSS, MY GAIN,and grant's!!!
*i wish u the best,u ever wanna talk,neighbor,i am here!{ny/jer-z area!}u are not so far!
jus kno, wat he put u thru, {i hope}like me, will make u "strong"enuff to wait 4 ur tru prince!because believe it or not,vega,THERE ARE A FEW LEFT!i should kno, i found mine's,THANX 2 GOD!first and foremost,
god bless u mamita......stay strong......email,me anytyme,
i mean it!:)

SEXXIESTMAMITA well put! you found the words for what i couldn't explain.
*equal equivalensce*!

i am in a very similar situation as you. i have moved on and moved out of the state with someone else. i deffinelty dont feel the same and i cant get him out of my mind. every day, every second. we have a daughter together and she makes it harder. i really realy love him and wish he would change so we could be together, but i dont know what to do. i dont want to hurt the person i am with, but it is really bothering me. i dont knopw what to say to him or anyone because i swore i would never want him back. i also moved to mn from ct and i dont know anyone to talk to. i cry every night . my current boyfriend just found a letter i wrote my ex that i had ripped up and decided not to send, and now he is vey upset. i dont know if he could read it, but i dont want to hurt him or look stupid. i wish i had someone to talk to . i have no clue what to do?

Hey Holly, I think you should be honest with your bf. Tell him there are still feelings that you are trying to work through. I give you credit for at least trying to move on. Sometimes we can't help what our hearts feel though.

ive been with my man for 6 years . we went from chaotic to a mellow,comfortable life.i can say he changed for the better. he and i had to go thru alot of counceling and groups,{recommended by D.O.C.} we learned alot about why abuse happens and we learned even more about each other.which in turn was a very good thing for our relationship. communication is a big problem in abuse, along with thinking and belief patterns we grow up with. if your both willing to take a lil responsability it can workout.;)

I just recently gave David a 3 year no contact order and was granted sole legal and physical custody of our little man ( 6 mo's ) a week ago last friday. In fact I have been sad ever since, feeling guilty, missing him and remembering the good times, but THEN I think of the bad times. I remember the hell I went through even after he was locked up last November. I considered us together until january when that was the last time I visited him. I spoke with him the last time a few weeks after our son was born and the final straw was when 3 weeks after I gave birth, part of the placenta wass left inside and I hemmorraged. I was in ICU over night after two surgeries to stop the bleeding. A blood vessel burst and it took 5 hours to get me to stop hemmorraging. the day I came home ( alone from the hospital ) with a 3 week old who spiked a fever of 103.7 and was admitted to the hospital that night for 3 days. He called the day I brought David jr home and he did not give two shits about me or HIS SON, instead he wanted to know who I was screwing around with and did not ask one question or show one BIT of concern. WTF?????? I realized I was in a bad situation and was in so much denial up until that point. He had done horrible things as well as socked me in my face a few times, stole my car, mental tortured me and was obsessively jealous and scary.

I love him BUT I love my children more and I can't afford to stand by his side and "wait" to see if it will change. I doubt he will and if he does, it will take many years, and tons of treatment as well as committment to staying off the drugs. Him saying to me, he has changed is just not good enough, nor do I believe one word he says. Does it hurt? It hurts more now then it did then. Do I miss him? NO, but what I miss is what it could have been and how it was in the beginning.
I can't go back! And it's not a popular decision around here I don't feel. but it crossed the line when he put his hands on me and it's a dam shame. there is jealousy then there is jealousy, I lived in a prison and sometimes I wonder if I will ever be free.
At first I felt good about my choices, but now, I still feel trapped and I have no idea what that's about.

This is so sad to read. My first husband was an abuser. He was mental, no drugs or alcohol, he was just born that way. Lucky me. right. I loved him so much, I just didn't see the abuse, I even went along with it, thinking it was my fault. When he wouldn't change and it got worse and moved to the kids, I had it. I left him. It took everything I had in strength. I moved back with my mom and got my life back together. It was tough. All the psycho stuff he pulled on me made it so hard for me to forget him. All I had to do is look at my kids and think of what he did to them asn I never went back to him. You can do that too. You have the strength, you DO!!

I hope you please take all of these stories into account and make the right decision for you and yours.
Good Luck!

a few years back when i lived in vegas this guy i thought i loved was drunk and proceeded to almost beat me to death. he was a mexican who was illegal and one night he took off his belt the kind that have those big ass buckles and beat me so bad that the metal buckle broke kicked me in the private area with cowboy boots on, hit me so hard my rings bent, well i was fearful for my life at the time, i know everyone heard the beating no one did anything, the apartment building was surrounded by his family members. so at the time i did nothing, friends forced me into the er room which when all was said and done 7,000 dollars my insurance paid. since it was over 12 hours police refused to arrest, so this guy was fired from his job, evicted from apartment arrested for selling drugs, and deported all in one month! if he attempts to come back there is felony warrant for the drug sales, plus illegal entry! there is a god!!!

carol

i hear so many stories of abuse with the same question Sunnie. its sad. i have been in abusive relationships all my life . it 's a diseased way of thinking on my part. i was raised to think i would never be good enough for any man, by my alcoholic father, seen my mom cater to his every whim and then worrie if he will yell or not. as i grew older and started to date i felt i was suppose to be with a man that treated me as my dad. the name calling ,being called worthless piece of shit, an occasional slap , ect....it was the way i lived thru my teen and young adult life. i would purposely look for a man that was verbally /physically abusive. NOT consciously, but thats wut i really thought i deserved.i knew and seen families that didnt have theese defects and envied them.well, as i grew older so did my patience. i turned into a PTSD ROTTEN MEAN DRUNK BITCH! i would take off on my boyfriend {husband now} go to the bar , get drunk, and wait for the first person to say something i didnt like , hit on me, or do or say something to a friend of mine i didnt like.............................. then WHAM! i would be fighting like a wild cat! not a good thing, it winded me up in jail a few times, V.O.P.'S , assault charges, ect... ive learned that its we the women who need to make the changes, if we dont let a man treat us bad a first time , there most likely wont be a second.since i made a change in our relationship things turned around for the better. we did groups and counceling together and im more in love with him now than ever. we have found that if we can be open and honest, accept each others quirks and faults , let by gones be bye bye, we can work thru anything and be there for each other for a very long time. the key to the lock is YOU BOTH NEED TO WANT TO CHANGE.

When you're abused, a profound brainwashing goes on. It takes literally years to come out of it and grow past it. You just have to stick with remembering that the progressive nature of abuse is 1) if you stay with him, it will result in your death, if for no other reason than the toll the stress takes on you and 2) if you continue without realizing that YOU have to change your thinking, then even if you leave one abuser, you'll get with another one who is even worse till finally it costs you your life. You have to be strong and whenever you find yourself weakening and wanting to go back, you have to force yourself to face reality. Statistics show that even if an abuser seriously goes for therapy himself, the incidences of abuse may drop drastically in number, but they do still abuse and when they do, the severity of the abuse is much greater. It's like it's stored up and when it finally comes out, you get all the abuse at once. I could go on for a book-length post on this topic. Stay strong! Seek help and stay with it! DON'T go back! I've been in recovery from abuse for just over 18 years, but the last abuser almost killed me before I sought help and really hung in there till I could grow through it and come out the other side. It takes years to overcome the psychological effects and some of that is that strong longing to go back and wanting to believe he'll change. It's normal to feel that, but it's not realistic and it's not healthy----you WILL get past it.

People do change, only if they want to. It's much easier to hit than hold it back an analyze why your are mad.