How do you survive?

Let's share tips and facts for everyone, especially for those who are new to this!

Some of my tips would be`

1- Take care of YOU, you cannot help your loved one if you are a mess!
2- BUDGET
3- Take it one day at a time
4- Talk to them as much as you can about life outside, let them into your world
5 - Honesty is the best policy
6 - COMMUNICATE! in any way possible and in every way possible
7 - Let him know you are there for him as he should be for you too
8 - Have FAITH
9 - Appreciate what you DO have
10 - Have your own life!

Common feelings we all have:

scared, worried, sick, sad.... need advice and emotional support

Do you have a question? Are you stressed and scared...sad...missing him and wishing none of this ever happened to you and your family???

Please help the women and men who come here with loved ones away, what can you do to support them? what helps you?

Thanks Mrs. G cute post and much needed again we get chance to learn from each other...PEACE :thumbsup:
1. ME Time has to be the most important
2. COMMUNICATE
3. Have faith (things will work out for the best)
4. Trust your gut feeling and talk about everything (if not you won't get far)
5. For us the saying don't go to bed mad don't work so I'll say try to squash all disagreements as soon as possible.... Makes your heart heavy
I'm sure I can think of some more but I'll let someone else talk...

Good Post. Much needed motivation for us First Timers and non.
I don't even have anything more to add. I think you both have tapped into it all.:)

Very well said Mrs G and LadyC.
Me time is very important.
Communication is very important, phone calls, letters, whatever you can do. Tell them how you feel, what is going on in your life, no matter how miniscule you might think it is.
If you have kids, take them to see daddy, let them talk to him on the phone, let them write and make pictures for him. Keep the bond going between them. And include him in some decision making and discipline.
Keep pictures around.
Do not let your life revolve around prison. Let prison revolve around your life.
DO NOT neglect your friends and family, make sure you have time for them also.
Don't wear yourself out. If you miss a visit because you are just tired or sick, it's ok, they will understand, just make sure they know you aren't coming because they will be worried sick if they expect you and you don't show up.
Take care of them, but don't spoil them.

TO LATE :eek: (he was spoil b4 he got there):D
but don't spoil them

1, Be realistic-not negative but don't overbuild hopes.
2. Be informed. It is hard for them to get information on the system from within-you can really help in this regard by coming to PTO.
3.Be kind to yourself.
4. Ask for help; ask for others to visit and write-don't become a one person world for him.
5. Instead of spending money --be creative-send pictures with funny stories etc.
6. Try to talk about the future but in little, managable pieces. Like what color will you never wear again after this (GREEN!)
7. Find some good jokes on line and send a few in each letter
8. Do not try to let tem off the hook for watever they did to get there-even though you may want to--look it in the eye and work on ways with them to not have it happpen again ever--even if it just not being in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Peace.....Good Thead! Like the idea of making this a thread. Would also add to develop a hobby. Blessings...

Very Well Said. Thank- You All For Sharing Your Inspiration!!!

1, Be realistic-
2. Be informed.
3.Be kind to yourself.
4. Ask for help
5. Instead of spending money --be creative-
6. Try to talk about the future but in little, managable pieces.
.

these are REALLY great ones!!!!!!

Patience is my survival process and love. Love is the answer, it is the key to unlocking the future that we constantly dream about day in and day out, every time we write, visit and speak on the phone. Yet, we cannot start by asking "the others" to love us unconditionally, if we don't first love ourselves and them unconditionally... without judgment, without criticism, without impatience. We must see the "higher self" in each person we encounter, we must know that even though the outward behavior is "less than loving", the higher self nevertheless is there inside waiting for a chance to "rise and shine"... And the more love we have, the more patience, the more acceptance of "what is" in the moment, the less resistance we will encounter. It hasn't been an easy road for us but it will get better. I think some of us have past the hardest part and in the process we have opened our hearts, and for those who haven't your heart will guide you. So let's continue to suceed with faith and patience.

Beautifully said lafor ;)

I think some of us have past the hardest part and in the process we have opened our hearts, and for those who haven't your heart will guide you. So let's continue to suceed with faith and patience.

I love this post. I have copied and pasted all your answers into a paper that I am going to share with my fiancee's parents who aren't computer literate. We are just beginning our saga and it is very helpful to read your insights. Thank you all!!!:)

thank you for this thread. as we (my fiance and i) have had to quickly adjust to this life. we still don't know how long it will last, but i'm thankful for the info and the support i've found here.

i also purchased a book entitled, Family Arrested. it's basically a "how to" book for families w/ an incarcerated loved one.

(now, if only i could get the budgeting thing down, i'd be set :o). lol

Thanks for that book information, I found a link to it below!!

Family Arrestedhttp://www.wingsministry.org/FamilyArrested.htm

Always remember the reason you are going through this and the prize you'll receive at the end of it.

This is my 10 tips


1- Take care of yourself as best you can.

2- Create a mutual understanding with your husband or boyfriend or wife or girlfriend about every little thing you guys can think of. It's the only way through it all.

3- This may be harsh, but know that God does things for a reason. Do not blame yourself for them being inside. Breathe and try to understand that with actions there are consequences no matter what.

4- Make sure you trust nobody else but your loved one inside. People tend to manipulate situations to be badder than they are and only you and him would know the truth.

5 - Communication is definitely key. If you lose contact with the person, you will lose that person. Write as much as you can (they love mail), answer their calls as much as you can (don't break your bank), visit as much as you can (again don't break your bank).

6 - Make sure you are aware of everything. Whether it be from his mouth or from the guidance departments mouths. You want to be ready for everything and anything that comes your way.

7 - Create a solid budget. Not to say that you won't break the budget but give yourself enough to live while still giving to him as well. He'll understand your situation better if you're honest about your money situation too.

8 - Pray for yourself and that person every night. Thank God that both of you are still alive and well. Pray as much as you can because besides the person inside, God is the only one you can trust.

9 - Take a pillow and a blanket on the bus ride or van ride upstate. No matter what it's either too cold, too hot, not comfortable enough or something. It's always something.

10 - Always bring your honey a little surprize for the visit. Whether it be a dirty mag, candy, or whatever your honey's vice is. (Legally!!!!!)

Peace....Love your suggestions...Evilnlita! Blessings...

even though it is my son, I bring him rap magazines and stuff like that and music. And he is always looking for backwoods cigars.

Common feelings we all have:

scared, worried, sick, sad, lost, alone.... need advice and emotional support

Do you have a question? Are you stressed and scared...sad...missing him and wishing none of this ever happened to you and your family???

Please help the women and men who come here with loved ones away, what can you do to support them? what helps you?

My husband always reminds me...it gets greater later.

Focus on the positives...something I have trouble doing all the time.

my son and celebrate month anniversaries to make his 6 something ears more manageable. And he does not wear a watch or have a clock-says it slows time down for him.

This makes me think of something...We always celebrate EVERY holiday in some way, even if he does not care for Christmas really, I try to make a big deal about it anyway ;)

So send him a card for every holiday, no matter what Holiday it is or if he wants to celebrate !

Very well said.I like that Laflor

The vice thing is a good one. You don't know how much my baby looks forward to "street "food" And to him street food is Cheezits and snack cakes. It puts such a smile on his face ! !

Today he told me he just heard about Caramel Hoho's and he got so happy when I told him I would get him some :)

Try to keep him connected somehow to the outside world, even if it is only with a Caramel Ho Ho ;)

This is my 10 tips


1- Take care of yourself as best you can.

2- Create a mutual understanding with your husband or boyfriend or wife or girlfriend about every little thing you guys can think of. It's the only way through it all.

3- This may be harsh, but know that God does things for a reason. Do not blame yourself for them being inside. Breathe and try to understand that with actions there are consequences no matter what.

4- Make sure you trust nobody else but your loved one inside. People tend to manipulate situations to be badder than they are and only you and him would know the truth.

5 - Communication is definitely key. If you lose contact with the person, you will lose that person. Write as much as you can (they love mail), answer their calls as much as you can (don't break your bank), visit as much as you can (again don't break your bank).

6 - Make sure you are aware of everything. Whether it be from his mouth or from the guidance departments mouths. You want to be ready for everything and anything that comes your way.

7 - Create a solid budget. Not to say that you won't break the budget but give yourself enough to live while still giving to him as well. He'll understand your situation better if you're honest about your money situation too.

8 - Pray for yourself and that person every night. Thank God that both of you are still alive and well. Pray as much as you can because besides the person inside, God is the only one you can trust.

9 - Take a pillow and a blanket on the bus ride or van ride upstate. No matter what it's either too cold, too hot, not comfortable enough or something. It's always something.

10 - Always bring your honey a little surprize for the visit. Whether it be a dirty mag, candy, or whatever your honey's vice is. (Legally!!!!!)


I totally agree with you!:)

this is more practical-but you should always have someone set up as a backup phone call person-in case they can't get to you (work or, I know this never happens, but an MCI screwup). My older son serves in this capacity for me and it has been very important and helpful-even if just to let me know MCI made one of their RARE :eek: mistakes with my service. I don't have to wait a week before I figure it out or get a letter.

I also think some kind of outside publication helps-like time or newsweek or the weekly paper from your town. Gives them current events to relate to and not feel so cut off. My son, who originally told me sending Time was a waste of money, has grown to look forward to it and it gives us stuff to talk about. Maybe not such an issue for you lovey dovey wives and girlfriends;) -but a challenge for us sometimes.

this is more practical-but you should always have someone set up as a backup phone call person-in case they can't get to you

I agree! I have his sister ;) we can pass messages this way.

AND YES....Anything connecting him to the outside world is so important!

Hi. My (now) husband came home 5/05 after 2 years. My advice...don't listen to anybody. Trust your instincts; trust your gut; trust God. My friends and relatives spent those 2 years telling me I should NOT stand by my man. These same people hugged and kissed us at our wedding, telling us what a great couple we are, how happy we look, and how happy they are for us. If I had listened to them when my man got arrested, I would be by myself and unhappy, instead of married to the love of my life.
Trust you.
Trust him.

That is great advice sixmonths...

And I love those tips Ev. I'm going to print them out and pass them to a friend I made on the visits. She's been real down lately and I wish she had access to the internet to come on this site. She will be getting access soon so I am definitely referring her here!

Hello it was suggested i come view this page...& I am so glad that i did...thank you to everyone who posted their thoughts and information...i truely feel so alone rite now and really dont know where to begin...this site has been a wonderful start...im still trying to get around PTO and i do find it confusing but im just glad i have a place to go to.

i dont know what to say at this point for i fear that my relationship with my husband has come to an end and I just dont know what to do, I have tried to talk to him but he doesnt listen to me ,he just hears me, you know. for years now I have been his support system and now that i need his love and support i feel as though he has turned his back on me, i havent spokent to him in almost 2 weeks and its tearing me up inside, i just dont know what i shoud do

I think you really need to talk to him... Go up and visit him, write to him. Or you can share here with all of us, because this is a great place with some great people who will give you support.

Patience is my survival process and love. Love is the answer, it is the key to unlocking the future that we constantly dream about day in and day out, every time we write, visit and speak on the phone. Yet, we cannot start by asking "the others" to love us unconditionally, if we don't first love ourselves and them unconditionally... without judgment, without criticism, without impatience. We must see the "higher self" in each person we encounter, we must know that even though the outward behavior is "less than loving", the higher self nevertheless is there inside waiting for a chance to "rise and shine"... And the more love we have, the more patience, the more acceptance of "what is" in the moment, the less resistance we will encounter. It hasn't been an easy road for us but it will get better. I think some of us have past the hardest part and in the process we have opened our hearts, and for those who haven't your heart will guide you. So let's continue to suceed with faith and patience.



I wrote this back in January and trust me patience's is all I've had for so long, but now as Ant's wife says I'm going through the same thing. I received a letter from my honey this week where he tells me that he dosen't miss me as much as he used to and it wouldn't bother him if I no longer came up, and you know what i'm beginning to feel the same. I never thought that I would say this but I do. Perhaps I was waiting for him to say this I don't know. But over the years I've put up with alot of mistrust, negativity and demands, while all along I've kept quite and always shaking my head and always doing the right thing. :shake: One thing I can truly not lie about it that the love is still there. Is it normal I mean can it be that he is closer each day to coming home, can it be that we are two different people. We both want different things, but often times the same, he doesn't have the same aspirations that I do b ut I support him 100%. But the funny thing is we think alike. When he writes me I have beforehand answered an unread later weird huh! Like I said before it hasn't been an easy road but it hasn't gotten better. Thanks ladies, it's often difficult not having to speak to someone who doesn't understand what ur going through at least here we can relate.
__________________

I know that I have to talk to him, but at the same time I feel like i'm chasing him. I can't just pick up the phone and call but i do write and I go up there to see him EVERY week. Why cant he pick up the phone and call me, he can if he has a messege he needs me to relate, or if he wants me to do something for him, or when things are good and we aren't fighting, but when things are rocky, he stays away and i just think about how it would be if he were home, would he walk away and stay away everytime things go bad? I cant do this by myself, i've been the ony one doing this bid with him, his family hasnt gone to see him and he has been locked up for 10ys now. Believe me there were times when i didnt think i could do this anymore , as we all know this is a very loney and isolated lifestyle, but still I stuck by him because I wanted to not out of obligation. Yes Patience is key and I must say i lost my patience with him.