My husband is a recovering addict and I need to know everything I can do to support him. He has come a long way since he has been in prison and I am very proud of him. I know that when he comes home I can go to meetings with him, but what about now since he's locked up. It's hard for me to relate because I have never been addicted to anything and I get frustrated with him sometimes because his addiction is what got us in this situation and I have to be out here without him because of it. For the most part, I feel like I have forgiven him, but sometimes I get mad all over again. That tells me that I have not dealt with the fact of his addiction. How are the loved ones suppose to deal with someones addiction and support them during their recovery?
The other day someone posted the question "what do you worry about the most when they get out?" I worry about him staying clean and him feeling that I support him 110% even though I'm scared out of my mind that he will go back to the drugs. He knows that I have these fears and he says that he knows that he has alot to prove to me once he gets out, but I don't want for him to have to "prove" it to me, he has to prove it to himself because everyone has always told him that he wasn't going to make it; I know he can, I just want to support him in the right way. Also, what kind of help can I get for myself to help me deal with his addiction?
Thank you for listening.

Tina

Begin right away going to Nar-Anon and/or Al-Anon. Don't wait for him to get out. Start right now and it will help you to deal with your feelings as well as preparing you for him when he gets out, plus it will help you deal with issues while he's still in. Good luck!

Tia, Toi is absolutely right - go to Nar-Anon and/or Al-Anon now. Don't wait 'til he gets out. If there's not a Nar-Anon group near you (they aren't as prolific as Al-Anon), Al-Anon will give you the same benefits, sometimes it takes a little while to find a group that is accepting of drug issues as well as alcohol issues but many are. And there are also many online resources, I have listed some of the online Al-Anon and Nar-Anon resources in this thread:

http://www.prisontalk.com/forums/showthread.php?s=&threadid=16948

Listen, I didn't even start going to Al-Anon until my ex had been moved out of my house for six years. Your guy doesn't have to be home for you to start going to meetings, in fact, if you start now, then you will be all the more prepared to deal with come what may when he gets out.

Do check them out, they're both very beneficial to those of us whose loved ones are addicts... the best thing you can do for your loved one is to take care of YOU first, and Al-Anon and Nar-Anon will show you how to...

Thank you Toi and Lysbeth. I will start looking for a group. I think that I haven't done that yet because I am so weak on the inside but everyone thinks that I am so strong for standing by Bobby. I know that once I really start talking about my feelings I will break down and show emotions that I have stuffed so far down. I know that I need to deal with the feelings. Thank you.

Tina

I agree, I go to alanon meetings myself (my husband is an addict but the only group around here is alanon, and there are many people there who have loved ones that are addicts); I would suggest just go to a few meetings, if you don't feel comfortable after 3 or 4 meetings (some meetings are better than others, don't give up after just one if you didn't like it) if you still don't feel comfortable try a different group. Get a copy of the alanon book or even "codependent no more". Get a copy of the morning meditation book , "courage to change"; these things help me a lot. The meetings helped the most, don't be nervous, you will find very kind and understanding people in those rooms. Most groups have cassette tapes where people from conventions have told their story, I highly recommend checking out some of the tapes that show how other people have made it through something like this. Feel free to PM me if you want to anything else, I've been a member of alanon for about a year now.

Thank you, Kathy. I've been afraid to go to meetings and wear my heart on my sleeve, but I know that I NEED to go.

Tina

Don't worry, you don't have to go in there & pour your story out to anyone. In fact this is not how the average meeting goes. Most meetings have a topic, some are step-study meetings (they also apply the 12 steps to the program, basically the same steps as AA); some meetings are on a specific topic (acceptance, controlling issues, Higher Power, self-esteem,.....) at the group I go to they usually go in a circle and you can either share or pass, many people pass so if you just want to go to listen it's no big deal, you can share when you are ready. If you choose to share you can either talk about whatever the topic is or you can talk about whatever is on your mind. Myself, I don't normally talk about him being in prison, that's just me, I don't feel like the people in my group are in the same situation, and so when I do talk about my situation I usually just talk about how his addiction effects my life... stuff like that, his being in prison isn't really relevant sometimes so I just don't mention it but when I talk to someone one-on-one, outside of the meeting, I get into more detail. I am a recovering addict/alcoholic with almost 2 years clean & sober and I worry about him coming home and starting up again. It's hard for me to stay clean and sober if he's living in my house drinking & getting hi, so I go into these panic attacks sometimes of "what if"; I tried to shove recovery down his throat, and that's about the time my AA sponsor strongly suggested I start Al-anon and it has helped me a lot, but I'm not where I want to be yet, but it really has helped.

I lost my husband about three years ago, but I always told him that my sobriety came first and that if it ever became a choice between him or sobriety, then I had to choose sobriety. He respected and supported me totally in that, although he relapsed at times on drugs himself and after almost 15 years together, OD'd on heroin------on purpose. I had just told him that the time had come that IF he was using again (I did'nt know he was, just suspected it), I was going to have to call it quits and he knew I meant it. 24 hours later, he was dead. He was a wonderful man, in spite of his addiction, and I'm so thankful I was able to honor my wedding vows "till death do us part". But it wasn't easy and only through my own commitment and dedication to my AA/Alanon was I able to get that far without losing my own recovery. I can't say enough good about those programs. They really do work if you're willing to follow suggestions and accept the help. I think it's harder sometimes for people who aren't alcoholic/addicts to realize that they need help, too, from Alanon or Naranon, but association with an alcoholic or addict over a long period of time will "rub off" the dysfunctional thinking and behavior on the one trying to deal with it all and that's where those programs are such life-saving programs. It's easy to think that if you don't drink or use yourself, then the problem is all on your loved one who does, but us addicted people help you get you sick, too, by association.

Toi-ama, wow I'm so sorry that happened, I swear that is my worse fear. I still have a long way to go in letting go of these fears, my first year in recovery my fears seemed to slip away, I was able to give them to God, but lately it seems harder to do. And what happened to your husband is reality, these things happen when we are in the grip of addiction. I still have a hard time understanding why some people get the program and others do not, it makes me really sad, I have a sister who is slowly committing suicide with drinking (she's already been hospitalized for HCV, she has cirosis) and I know there is nothing I can do, she was in recovery but quit. I know a lot of people who were and they aren't anymore, and I wonder will my husband get the desire to really work for his recovery. I just don't get it, why some people don't make it. In meetings sometimes I hear people say, "but for the grace of God I'm alive today, I should have been dead." and it kind of makes me mad, I think it's just luck that they aren't dead, because I don't think God picks & chooses who he is going to save that day, I think it's up to us and when we get the desire strong enough to work for recovery. But why can't the people we love get it? I have a hard time with that. I guess I'm going through a funky stage right now, I just wish everyone would get it. But I know all I can do is live my life to try and be what I was created to be, to do God's will in every moment of the day, and just trust that things will work out, even if it's not the way I wanted them to. It's tough sometimes though.

When my brother was clean and sober, he once told me that "some of us have to die to keep the others alive"... That's the harsh reality of addiction. I know it's true because so many of my friends are gone now. Unfortunately, he's still out using, but being in recovery of co-dependance, I know now that I don't have any power over his will. Only he can make the decision to detox and has the choice whether to stay clean or not. The only thing I can do as a devoted sister is to make sure that I'm strong and healthy so that if he ever chooses to get clean, I'll be strength for him instead of feeding into the cycle and making things worse. When I quit fighting his addiction, and my ex's, I began my recovery.

And Toi, I'm so sorry about your husband... I'm glad he had you to believe in him and love him regardless...

The true fact is though, that the co-dependant is sicker than the addict. We do everything we do SOBER!!! Now that's true sickness!! In order to help the one's we love, we need to first get ourselves well... You can love someone without owning their addiction... Encourage him, love him, stand behind him, but let HIM take care of his addiction... You focus on you and what you need.

The Book "The Language of Letting Go" by Guy Finley helped me allot to see where I needed help. I still read it over and over again to reinforce to myself that I don't have any power to control someone else's behavior.

Good luck to you Tina... Prayers go out to you...

Thank all of you for sharing your lives with me. Toi, I am so sorry about your husband. I think that is one of my fears because Bobby always tells me that he can't live without me. I know that he could, but if he's using, that changes everything. I have so much faith in him that he will stay clean upon his release and I need to be strong enough and knowledgable enough to help him once he gets out. His recovery has been a top priority since he first was locked up and he has progressed so far and I am very proud of him. I only worry about the stresses that he will encounter when he gets out, I just want him to learn how to handle those situations. I am writing down all the books that everyone is suggesting and I will look for them soon. Thank you for being so supportive. I will keep all of you in my prayers.

Tina