I have been open and honest with my 7 year old and he is doing well under the circumstances. The sentencing only happened about a week and a half ago. So I think were both still in shock but he doesn't seem to want to talk much about it. Only that it makes him sad. I am concerned that he is worried about me and how I am doing. I have tried to keep as positive of an outlook as possible. I wonder how I can keep him talking. He opened up a bit today to a family friend who he feels close to. Interestingly enough she's in her 3rd year of college and her major is child phycology. She say's he seems to be doing pretty well and gave me some literature to read. Dad had already been gone for almost a year to a rehab before the judge sentenced him to 10 for being dismissed from the program. It was a condition of his probation that he make it through. He got kicked out not for drugs or alcohol but for not doing a homework assignment properly and not having enough attitude of grattitude. He was very close to the end of the program and it's all over, the judge didn't care that he had been clean and sober for 11 months. I'm still reeling from her decision. I was so sure she'd let him go to another rehab. I had tried to prepare for this possibility during the last year but it didn't help much. Any advice about how to keep the words flowing from such a young boy and do they ever cry at that age about it? Have any of you connected with any other people with children locally just so your children can have another child to talk to about it? If so how did you go about finding other children with fathers in prison? Thanks It's nice to know there are others who have delt with this kind of situation. Thanks Tammy

Tammy

Well I have no children, but I will tell you what I THINK. In my opinion, it's easier for a 7 years old little boy, to open up to a stranger rather than to his mom (or dad). In your case, I think it's great he can speak to this family friend of yours. He certainly needs someone outside of his immediate family to speak of his pain/fear/doubts etc, so try to let this relation growing. After a while, when he feels more secure with himself and the situation, he might open up to you. All this is too soon now, only 1 week and a half, and he needs to overcome the disapointment not to see his dad coming home. Besides, little boys tend to think their daddy is a hero, and maybe your son is now sad his dad failed this program. Don't get me wrong, I don't judge your husband, I'm just trying to explain what could your little boy feelings be. Does his dad write to him ?? I mean personally ?? Not a letter for you and your son, but a letter for his son alone ?? I think that would be great.

Concerning your question about other people with children around you, I would post in the Georgia forum to ask.
Do you go visiting your husband ?? Maybe you could meet other moms who are in the same situation during visits ??

I wish you your husband and your little boy all the best
Phil

Tammy,

I've had my 8 year old son in counseling off and on since this started. He expresses feelings from time to time. When he does it is mostly anger, but then sometimes he expresses sadness or confusion. At times, he starts crying all of a sudden and that's when I have to be prepared to help him...Those are the times like--daddy not at a hockey game to see him score, a movie triggers something, memories...anything it seems like sometimes. Hang in there. We visit lots and talk avery night and they write back and forth...I'm sure this helps, but it's very rough on little ones...

Deb

My son's father has been locked up since he was born. The only contact he has had with him for six years has been in prison visiting rooms. He does not like to talk about his dad or visit him. The visits are boring, long and pointless for him. He is always glad to leave, and never wants to visit. We are down to about twice or three times a year by now, used to be every month. Can't bring myself to do that to my son anymore. His son will be out of college by the time my husband paroles, although he is only in Kindergarten now. My husband loves his son far more than anything in the world. He would give anything to spend just a day with him. My son is in desperate need of a father also. Basically, this is a sad, depressing and hopeless situation. Hope to one day feel some light or hope as to this, but am unable to at this time.


Soledad

Thanks everyone for your kind comments. I am looking into counseling for him, and ordering literature that I have found here and there. I wish there was a realistic video of what to expect, that he could watch and that we could talk about after- wards. There really doesn't seem to be much out there for me to help him with. I am worried about the loss of his innocencent childhood after he starts visiting a prison to see his dad. But it does seem more important to him to see his dad than anything else. Will there be a waiting period before he can have contact visits after they put him in his more permanent location I wonder? Do all prisons have way's to get a higher education? Libraries? Computers? Well thanks again for the advice. You've been really helpful. tammy

I'm saddened by the events that have occured in your life. 10 years is way too harsh for not completing a drug program. WOW! It is going to take time for your little one to open up and completely understand the full affect of this difficult situation. It took my son almost a year to even talk about my honey let alone want to see him. Altho he is not his biological child there was definately a bond there. Confusion runs high in little ones. It's now your job to help him thru, and remind him that NO MATTER WHAT Daddy loves him. Good luck Tammy. I know how difficult this is, I know your pain. I also know that it does get easier. Don't push him, he will open up. Just always let him know you are there for EVERYTHING!!!

Stacy

Tamarma,

Hey! My name is Katie. I am 12 years old. Yeah i do agree with Phil. It is eaiser for a 7 year old to open up to a stranger insted of his own mom or dad. I know what he is going through. sometimes i dontlike to voice my thoughts but i do it because it helps me to relieve stress.. If he would like to talk to me or something he can ALWAYS pm me. Or you can do it for him. Either or is just fine with me. I know i may not help that much since im just over the net. But it could still really help him. i would also like to talk to him
PM me
If you would like to PM my mom her PTO name is
Shell021001

Thanks,

Katie

Thank You all for your posts, sorry it's taken so long to respond. My son is doing really well and has begun talking some. I also am making arrangments for counseling. He has been very verbal about this with the kids in his summer camp and is keeping it mostly to himself during school although he did blurt it out in Sunday school. I wonder in some ways if this hasn't been harder for me since I'm the only one aware of how cruel people can be and judgemental. I wonder if any of you or your kids have had bad experiences with that! I have tried to explain about how some folks may judge us as well and was worried when I found out he told everyone, but I've come to realize that he has to learn to deal with this reality on his own terms. I also can draw a parallel for him in myself since my dad walked out when I was 9 and I saw very little of him from then on. What I tell my son is that the diffenence is that his dad loves him very much and was very sick in the head from the drugs he was taking that made him make the bad choices that he made. If he had been thinking normally he would have never left him in a million years by choice. Well. I guess that's it for now. Thanks again everyone for the replies.
Tammy

P.S. Katie I got your post and that is very thoughtful and giving of you. You have a big heart! I will tell my son about you tomorrow. Look for a post from him this weekend. Thanks bunches!:)

My son's father has been in prison since he was born and he is now 14. He would go long periods of time without talking about his dad in prison but then suddenly start asking questions. I discovered that he only asks as much as he can process at that time. You might access the Family and Corrections website online. They have a free resource library with information you can download. They have ideas about books,etc. for kids to read, like "When Is Daddy Coming Home?" (which is about right for a 7 or 8 year-old. Sometimes reading something like that opens a kid up to talk. I emphasized with my son that his dad being in prison "has nothing to do with him." What's interesting is that sometimes he would share that he has a dad in prison - and another kid would say that too! Or an adult would say that they had a parent in prison. After all, there are 1/2 million kids in this country with a parent in jail or prison! You might check in your area for a mentoring program or Big Brother/Big Sister to see if there's a male person who can do some activities with your son. Congress is allocating grants in the next couple months for mentoring programs for children with incarcerated parents. Zelda

My son's dad is in prison. He'll be in for 3yrs. My son is 5yrs. he doesn't want too talk much either. But I'll still bring it up,and he'll just tell me he's sad and wants to play lightsabers with him. His dad was sentenced just 3wks ago.
I just talk to him,eventhough he's not paying attention...he still might be hearing me. We pray for his dad every night. There's a book at the library for kids,about when a parent goes to jail. I'll look at with him.