Hi, I have a question about how someone who has done a lot of time and the effects it has on them as a person. I am dating a man who did 12yrs. He has been out now for 5 years. We have been together for 8 months. He is very driven towards his goals. He always say that he lost 12 yrs of his life and needs to make up for it. He is extremley focused on work and succeding. I respect that but it seems that part of his is cold. When it comes to the difference between men and women, he says women and this Love thing, I need to make up for the time lost. He seems emotionally cold at times. Could this be part of being away for so long? I do realize it is not easy but life is too short to not allow emotions to run free. Anyone who has done alot of time can you please tell me if you feel you became cold and selfish because of your expericence in prison.

Hi,
Personally I have done no time in prison myself, but my husband has, and still is in there. Prison takes away emotions...you are told what to do, when to do them, how to do them; any show of emotion can be used against you as weakness..so they learn to hide this from all around them. Years of closing yourself off to feelings do make changes in them....12 years inside will take its toll...emotionally and mentally. Also in prison, what is theirs, is theirs, and people will try to steal from them so their "guard" is up at all times; always glancing behind them, if you know what I mean. Try to put yourself in his shoes, keep communication lines open, and just give him that extra time when he needs it...I wish you both the very best life has to offer!!! These forums will give you a lot of information to help you understand more of what he has "lived" before. Good luck!!!!

I personally served 5 years and emotionally it takes everything from you. Like you posted, you become driven to accomplish as much as you can due to trying to make up for lost time. You always have this feeling of trying to make up for lost time which you can never get back.

I appreciate the response and I am searching on these boards to help give me more support and to try and understand him more. Some things I have read are definatly on target with the way he is. I am thankful that he did find sobriety and spirituality while he was in. I truly care for him and at the moment am trying to give him all the space he needs. I know that I choose to be in this and to put myself through what I hope will all work out. He was totally upfront with me when we met. Right away he told me about his past and his life situation. He also has five children. I respected him for letting me know right off the bat. This type of info would scare most. I believe in him because of his spiritual ways and love him more because of them. I just would like more time with him, and time is very limited with. The only thing I wish is that his mind could stay on one thing, like when where talking I can see him drifting off. His mind is always on on. Always focusing ahead. Anyway, I will give it some time. I am here for him. I am a very good woman, I know he realizes this, he has told me that I deserve better and more but that he can't offer that now, not till he gets to his goals. I cannot say that I have not been informed. I just wish I could take away what has made him so hard. I am very loving and it is difficult because when I do see him I just want him to feel my affections, for him he needs to feel in the mood. Its hard for him to easily show his emotions. Thank you for your responses. And DUBLUPS22 I read your profile and be very proud of your self!!! You've come along way and I hope that your roads in the future take you where you want to go and brings you the happiness you deserve.:thumbsup:

Like Dub and Eternal said: I was only in for a year and I still have trouble showing emotion. In prison as soon as you show emotion it's preyed upon as a weakness.

After 12 years in it's going to take a long long time to be emotionally available again. I've been home 6 months and have had friends tell me I'm cold. Before I went in I was always a ball of emotion and had no problem expressing it; mostly happiness I was very good at consoling people now for the most part I'm like that's life move on.

I try to change it but it's hard when you've been programmed not to show anything.

I was in for four years. I will never be the same.

I was in for four years. I will never be the same.

Short answer, however, so, so true.

I guess I could honestly say that I no longer trust. Trust, there are few people - three to be exact that I can honestly trust completely. One is my life partner, the other two are dear, dear friends, one an ex inmate herself.

Everyone else, I try to keep at arms length.

Fear, too, I will never look at a government official as I did before. I never trusted them before because of the way I was raised - two parents who went through the awful mess in Germany sixty years ago and their distrust of anything government, law enforcement or court system.

How do I say this without stirring things?

If I am driving and I pick up a "cop" following me, I get the shakes. I know he is just doing his thing, etc., however, I just go there with the fear. My secretary once told me that I have nothing to worry about if I am not doing anything wrong - right - I hope she never learns how scary it can be.

Now my attitude is that I will not cooperate with the police, government official, even if it buys me more time.

I guess that is my thoughts on your question. I did alot less time than most, it is just amazing how it effects you.

Now I am just rambling, sorry.

Patti

My husband is still in prison and before he met me, he said he never would show emotion as some of you said its projected as being weak. I must say, since Justin and I have been together we both have learned within each other its ok to show emtion, together we got it back and they wont take it away. I know he has to show none around the compound but there have been many night he has CRIED to me. I love him and will always let him show emotions to me. these men and women that are in prison need more of us out there. we at PTO are so caring and understanding. I love it!
I think you are all great people and am glad i am a member of the PTO

Blessed Evening!
KAri:thumbsup:

I'm with FriscoLady/Patti. I was down "only" 20 months, but that time has done damage to me in ways I will be counting for a long, long time. It doesn't help that I and my friends and family remain convinced that I was genuinely railroaded (by a prosecutor who literally misled the jury on the nature of the law, and a judge who did not care that the prosecutor did so). I too was already deeply distrustful of govt'al force and now I'm appalled every time I see it, even when it seems to be used "properly."

I have emotional issues I am dealing with. Just in the last month, I have begun seeing a counselor because there have been a couple of blow-ups that I can't explain, much less justify. I have been home 11 months but there is so much I keep bottled up inside because no one, not even my wife, has the first inkling about.

As for being emotionally "unavailable," well, I have learned -- against my wishes -- to be more closed than I ever used to be. Before I went in (I self-reported), I couldn't keep track of all the people who asked me to send them the forms that would get them approved to visit me. But when the rubber met the road, I can count on less than 1 hand the number of people who actually spent time with me in visitation. My wife dealt with some deeply freakish personal blow-ups with people we thought were our friends. For example, the couple we thought were our very closest friends, who had signed my power-of-attorney as a second to my wife (in case she were injured), turned into a couple of paranoid weirdos and we have hardly spoken to them since I got home.

And I am aware that people talk about me behind my back...a lot. Unfortunately, some of the people doing so are those still closest to me. So I end up being ever more closed because of it. Small wonder, I guess, that I finally ran headlong into a need to talk with a counselor. My wife is herself a counselor (specifically, child therapist) but what blocks me from being sufficiently open with her are things I can't afford to discuss even with her. So I talk with someone else, someone I hardly know, who is doing his best work with me when he just lets me vent, in order that the pressure blow off somewhere other than at home.

As guysgal said, I will never be the same.

I am currently 35 years old. But spend approximately 7 1/2 years in prison from the age of 19-30 in the form of 3 different prison sentences.

I got out the last time and really buckled down. I now have a wife with two children (1 year old and a 2 1/2 year old), a very nice house, a nice construction business which gives me the the better things in life.

But I will tell you even to this day I can be very cold and un-emotional. There are times when I really just do not "give a f**k". And with my wife I do have a problem with sensitivity and flying off the handle from time to time. I really have a problem with being told what to do. I can have a real attitude with that. Also I am not into the cuddling and things like that.

In general I am a nice guy. I give anyone a chance. Have had some of her family live with us until they get off their feet. If someone needs help or things like that I NEVER turn them down if I can help. But I can also be a real cold, unsensitive person very easily. It is like I can turn off like a switch.

I just think you have to understand that while in prison you do not show emotions. I learned to deal with my prison sentences by not caring about anything on the outside. And I actually did not have a bad time doing my time. My motto in prison was "I do not give a f**K". But the problem with that is when I got out it does not fly very well. But it helped me emotionally do my time.

Just understand that are feelings can run as deep as yours, but we have a proective barrier that will not let it show as most people. And sometimes by prodding too much it can trigger the negative reaction.

Being in trouble with the law will change most everyone in some shape or way. I have not been the same since I was arrested and I shut out the woman in my life and lost her along the way. I became cold and unemotional and unattending to her needs and her pain, and in the end, I have messed up the best things I had in my life. I pray for those people who have my same traits, sit down, relax and think of what the people who love you are feeling and going through. Good luck to all.

I have a question for those who have done time, in regards to this thread. For those of you who had somebody that stood by you during your stay in prison, were you closed off with them while you were in prison, or did that happen after you got out?
My guy has been in a very long time, but I have found him to be fairly open with me. I have seen him shed tears and found that to so touching that he felt confident enough with me to show such emotion. I still can sense that there is still a barrier up, but I believe it is slowly coming down.
Your input is very much appreciated.

I had 3 months after I was sentenced before I had to report, and in that time (and before that as well) I was very closed off and not respective of my girlfriend's feelings and the pain and hurt she had. She loved me more than herself for a long time and I was too numb and dumb to see this. She gave me her heart, body and soul and I put up barriers between us. We became roomates and not a couple. Once I was inside I knew how bad it was and I knew then what she felt. By then it was too late. She realized how I was and felt I would never change and that she deserved the best in life. (Which she does!) I cried a million tears to tell her how sorry I was and I wanted to take it back, but it's too late. If you are sticking by your loved one, you are a very strong, strong person. This was my first and (only!) time inside so I can say I learned my lesson the hard way. I lost everything that was dear to me (her!-and starting a family and a home with her) not to say anything of starting my life over financially (jobs/career, etc) If I did not have other friends and family to help me, I would have nothing. JKB, if he is crying, that is a good sign he is truly sorry for what happened and also sorry to be putting you through this. Best of luck.

I can honestly say it has affected me, although I am not the one behind bars. However I am here on the outs waiting on him to come home. It is very hard to be without him. I love him very much. I want us to share a life together. But I know that guys talk a lot of crap, I know there are guys in there with him filling his head. Oh she'll never wait on you. Let me just say right now it has been six months, that may not sound like long, but It is killing me. But I will be here when he gets home. I truly hope everything works out for you. I am sorry,I know how hard it is

Like Dub and Eternal said: I was only in for a year and I still have trouble showing emotion. In prison `as soon as you show emotion it's preyed upon as a weakness.

After 12 years in it's going to take a long long time to be emotionally available again. I've been home 6 months and have had friends tell me I'm cold. Before I went in I was always a ball of emotion and had no problem expressing it; mostly happiness I was very good at consoling people now for the most part I'm like that's life move on.

I try to change it but it's hard when you've been programmed not to show anything.

Just one year had that much of an effect on you Danee Boy? I hope it wasn't that traumatic. My issue's really aren't what happend in prison, but the whole judicial system, the court case, the lies, the deception from people you knew, from associates and the abuse of power. You see people for what they are and your whole perception changes. I wont say prison programs you not to show emotion.

i was incarcerated at a young age, and it takes a lot out of a person. you loose your trust in people, authority, loved ones. you are'nt as free with your emotions as you once were, and you keep people at an arms length. it takes a lot to bring a smile or a laugh out of ones self. your spirit is broken, you are numb to ones emotions. eventually you loosen up, but never all the way. whats worse, your lack of warmth affects your marriage, and kids especially. you love your kids, but are'nt capable of showing the love with hugs, kisses, and a " i love you ". and so you suffered, and so your kids suffer. how many lives are affected from being incarcerated? i'll bet there's more than we care to know.

Wow...im Just Throwed By This Thread!!!!!!!

If one knows the affects - is there any way to avoid them? I am asking -can someone consciously try to not let prison change them. I do not know whether or not I want to print these posts and send them to my 17 yr old son - who is serving 15 years. Will it only depress him?
Does he obvioulsy already knwo all this b/c he is living it?
Can he guard against letting this change him?????

There is no way to know....15 years....wow, that is a very long time. I know you know this, but just saying. I have been reliving the last 15 years of my life in my head and it is long. I cannot imagine. Good luck.