God bless him but he is getting a bit demanding about what I should write in my letters. I guess I don't understand because he is a new pal he thinks I should just open up myself to him from jump street. I have told him stuff about me but honestly it should be on my terms how I open up shouldn't it? I do write long letters and I write positive things. He seems to want to hear the dark stuff and that bothers me. How do I handle this? I mean his letters are starting to all be about negativity etc... he says he wants to be friends and tells me I am one of his few friends etc... and of course I will NOT turn my back on him but without sounding harsh how can I get him to understand that is not the only thing to talk about? I wrote and told him I need to open up at my own speed and I told him I don't want him to be upset or take it the wrong way because I intend to keep writing but this is stressing me out a little. SO has anyone experienced this and if so how did you handle it??? Please help me to make sense of this, I don't want to say the wrong thing and make him feel worse than he already feels.

Is this the man you are waiting for?

Oh no this is stricly friendship nothing romantic and he knows that, we have not crossed that line nor will we I am already involved somewhat with someone that will be out...I am just having a problem with him being a little pushy about how I write him is all.

You need to tell him, the same way you told us...

Be honest and very upfront.

Peace and blessings...;)

;) ;) I agree with COMPLETEly His. If he is wanting to know all about you, start out with the very upfront part. You are not comfortable yet. If he respects the friendship as he says he will be fine with your choice...

i agree be open and honest and let him know it takes time!

He can't change what bothers you, if you don't tell him it bothers you. Let him know- be totally honest.

well I had to update you ladies... yes well I did send him a letter about a week ago stating that fact as gently as I could but well I don't know if he got it yet and anyway I got mail from him today well this one is just all about asking for pics of me in my see through underwear LMAO! Umm I do not have any see through stuff and if I did I sure as heck would not send it for his pleasure (he is honest about why he wants them) :nono: sorry but he will have to find someone else's pics for that. OK yeah so I am not a prude honest but only one man if any is getting pics of me in my panties. This guy is really starting to make me think he is more about someone to have fantasies with than a real friendship.... I tell you what I am going to put him in his place and if he doesn't like it I will let him end the friendship that way I wont have to feel guilty. But in all honesty the more he writes the less I want to talk to him. Sorry but we only have just started writing and I feel he is doing all he can to see how far he can push me, and well it's ticking me off right now... maybe i am just moody because its the holidays:confused:

Oh I have to add that after he wrote about the pics and stuff he was sure to mention that part where I told him I promise to be there for him like as if he was saying yeah I know this will make you mad but hey your going to be there no matter what/ Do you guys think he is just testing me? Maybe I should not be so mad I don't know????

I have never posted in here at least not that I can remember. I CAN'T SLEEP AND CAME ACROSS THIS SITE again. The first post made me think about how dangerous writing to inmates can be. I think most people who write do it out of curiosity at first. Speaking of the women who didn't know the guy before he was locked up. The truth of the matter is these guys are able to give women easily what men on the outside can't. Emotional pampering. I know that my other half was one screwed up mess ten years ago. I know that he had to make choices about how he was going to live on the inside that I will never understand. Things like homosexuality and gang banging are way out of what I could walk with so I wouldn't. I have a certain amount of respect for the strength my other half walks with. Yet I fear for all the things that I chose to involve myself with at times. Prison is against human nature. There are things that happen to a man that I can not and will not be able to cure. There is a lot of time evolved so therefore I have to accept the reality of the damage being done. Talking about his crime was a big deal for us. I found myself being able to do something for this guy that nobody else could .Forgive him. I did this realizing that I was digging a deep hole in my reality. Falling in love with him has been like standing in front of a loaded gun at times even. Other times it has been like nirvana. I think the hardest thing for me is realizing that I have allowed this because of my own malfunctions. I have major trust issues and PTSD and all kinds of reasons to be alone. I also realized when this all first started it was kind of fun watching someone fall in love with me so easily. The reason I have allowed this man to need me is because I need him too. I am very street smart but I hold myself with pride. I saw things I shouldn't have had too. I am one of those people who shouldn't be here. Maybe a part of me wants to save this guy. But even more I want to save us both. I don't know if he will be the same when he gets out many years from now. But who's to say he isn't the one. This is a very hard path to walk. You can't go into these relationships with any expectations and be safe. You have to rember that prison changes people and that the crime needs to be addressed. I cry a lot for the pain his family has to go through and I wonder why I am here at times. Yet I understand this guy so well. I know he won't make it without me right now. I just pray that things never turn bad between us and that I am not being selfish to him or me. I don't let him get to demanding about anything. I give him what comes natural and that is it. Yes I love him. But I never forget the fact that he needs me in ways now that he won't when he comes home though. I will never ask him to give up anymore of himself then he already had to. He has a family and in my eyes they should come first. They don't know how to take me and I have to even let that go. I guess I am trying to say that these relationships are dangerous if you both are unable to love unconditionally. And unconditional love is not for the weak minded. Sometimes it just hurts.

ah yes I understand what you are saying but I am not involved with him other than just friendship this has been understood from the start I have been completely honest with him, And I am not falling for him I just want to be his friend. I have never once led him to believe otherwise and until this letter neither has he.And believe me it was not a he's falling for me kind of letter either.

Just tell him that the pics are out of the question, and that while you did say that you would be his friend- he is making you uncomfortable. If he ends the friendship, then he does. There is nothing you can do about it.
Tell him like it is, and let him be the one to straighten up- or stop all together.

a. he shouldnt even be asking for pics like that and is totally disrespecting you

b. you dont have to open up to him ever. Who says you do? Everyones allowed to have skeletons in their closet. You especially dont have to open up to someone you barely know. He sounds like a sadist to me... pushing you bit by bit to discuss things you are uncomfortable about.

I'd run but thats just me.

I feel like running to be honest but I just decided to put my foot down and tell him like it is and advise him that he has an opportunity to have a true friend so he can make the best of it or ruin a good thing. I will let him make his own choice. I have a hard time being up front because I do hear so many stories about men on DR being left with no one. But I can see why it can happen too. I guess if I am honest once again and give him a final ultimatum then I should not feel guilty if he crosses the line right? I am glad you said he is disrepecting me because I felt that way too but I thought maybe it was just me being silly. I still have not started his letter I am not really ready to just yet but I know I have to eventually. At least I know he told me he wont get mail this week so it buys me a few more days

I think that you should just go with your "gut instinct". Do what you think is right!!! And just because you said you would be there for him, he should not disrespect you the way that he has. I hope that it all works out for you!! :)

I was in a similar situation. A friend on DR started to ask me to write dirty stuff, even though I made it clear I want to be friends only. After I told him so once more, he stopped writing without any explanation.
My advice is also: make it clear what he can expect from you then you will see, if he really is interested in your friendship or not.
Good luck! :)

You'll find creeps everywhere, and he sounds like one. But there are nice guys to on DR. You can always find another. You dont have to feel guilty about your feelings at all. Think about what kind of friend you want and find a pen pal like that. Men don't usually change too much generally and even if he does ease off to make you comfortable you can be sure he will go back to normal (for himself) as soon as he thinks you are under his control. I still say run.... :p

I would tell him how you feel and what you will and what you won't stand for. DO NOT let him guilt you in to anything.

Just because a guy is on DR doesn't mean he isn't human, sometimes they are butts and sometimes they aren't just like out here on the streets.

If he doesn't want to go by what you have told him then it is time for you to let him go. You can't stay friends with someone who won't respect you.

Years ago I had a guy who always tried to bring up the bible to use against me. He would say things if I was really his friend and he would quote scripture I would buy him this or that or do this or that.

I wrote him and told him exactly were I stood and that he had to respect that and me or I would never write him again. Well he decided how far he could push me and I walked. Enough is enough.

Honey you deserve to be respected and a friendship can't grow if what one is doing makes you uncomfortable. Sometimes it is just time to walk away other wise you will start dreading hearing from him and wishing you had walked away.

softie

Dear Silent Dreamer,

He is pushing the limits for sure!

I would have told him what you were willing to do and not do, and not offer any explanations or apologies.

I USED to also say to my pals that I would see them through their whole sentence, only to find out a few months down the road, that there was no real connection,
so I dont say that one anymore!!

He is disrespectful, yes, and out of line! You are not a prude, and if your friendship offer is not enough for him, then it is his loss!

Good luck with the letter; I know it isnt easy for you!

Amanda8088

Any update on his response to your letter?

God bless him but he is getting a bit demanding about what I should write in my letters. I guess I don't understand because he is a new pal he thinks I should just open up myself to him from jump street. I have told him stuff about me but honestly it should be on my terms how I open up shouldn't it? I do write long letters and I write positive things. He seems to want to hear the dark stuff and that bothers me. How do I handle this? I mean his letters are starting to all be about negativity etc... he says he wants to be friends and tells me I am one of his few friends etc... and of course I will NOT turn my back on him but without sounding harsh how can I get him to understand that is not the only thing to talk about? I wrote and told him I need to open up at my own speed and I told him I don't want him to be upset or take it the wrong way because I intend to keep writing but this is stressing me out a little. SO has anyone experienced this and if so how did you handle it??? Please help me to make sense of this, I don't want to say the wrong thing and make him feel worse than he already feels.
Sweetie I thing you have done the right thing you have told him how you feel and hopefully he will respect that.

HI everyone :) Ok here is some updated info for you. I have written and explained my feelings of course as nice as I thought possible and I did receive a letter stating whenever I feel he crosses the line it is ok to let him know... of course he still asked for pics but he was not as descriptive LOL Men they never learn. So I am off today and tomorrow and I will sit down and write a letter explaining that if he cannot appreciate me as a friend and stop trying to cross the line there will be no friendship since it really makes me not only uneasy but also makes me less willinging to write and believe me it's been over a week since I wrote him. (although he told me they would not get mail last week anyway) also ,,,, I had an issue with someone else I was writing too so I had to deal with that first in order not to cross emotions and take anything out on anyone else. So with that said I thank you all for your input I really believe he is just lonely and does not give this much thought and of course I think he wants a girlfriend but I have to remind him that is not what I am looking for ( romance ).
Now if only my DR pal would behave we can carry on with a good friendship wish me luck :)

He sounds controlling. He is pushing your buttons and trying to see how far he can go with you. I would ignore it like it never happened and just write another letter.
When he writes back and mentions the photos say "you are so funny haha." Then neber mention it again. If you want to keep writing him fine. But if he continues I would bail if it were me. Life is too short for negativity and drama and a taker. Just my 2 cents.

Thanks Miabella well I wrote a short letter and explained how he makes me feel when he asks for the pics or gets pushy about wanting me to tell him my deepests thoughts and I told him the simple fact was i made the letter short so if he did not want to keep this as a *friendship only* bases then he need not reply although I was nice about it no sense in putting too much into it at this point. I have to say I really am starting to feel this whole pen pal thing was a big mistake I seem to have made. And to be perfectly honest I am really starting to think that I am not really cut out for this. My intentions were good but perhaps I am not so good at this after all. In all honesty I don't even want to check my mail anymore from any of the 3 of the pals I have. I guess this is the wrong attitude to have here huh?

Thanks Miabella well I wrote a short letter and explained how he makes me feel when he asks for the pics or gets pushy about wanting me to tell him my deepests thoughts and I told him the simple fact was i made the letter short so if he did not want to keep this as a *friendship only* bases then he need not reply although I was nice about it no sense in putting too much into it at this point. I have to say I really am starting to feel this whole pen pal thing was a big mistake I seem to have made. And to be perfectly honest I am really starting to think that I am not really cut out for this. My intentions were good but perhaps I am not so good at this after all. In all honesty I don't even want to check my mail anymore from any of the 3 of the pals I have. I guess this is the wrong attitude to have here huh?Remember this. You OWE no one anything. Write if you feel like it when you can. It doesn't have to be a career. ;) If you decide you want out, back off each one slowly....except for this guy. If he writes back with anything rude, cut him OFF and return his letters to sender.

Hi,

I know how difficult this is. I've been through the same thing. In my first letter, I told the guy I was happily married, and wrote because I got his address from a friend of his on the outside, asking me to write him a few words, because he was going through some rough times legally, and he had also lost his father just recently.

This guy is on death row somewhere, and I've been opposing the death penalty for my entire life. I never judged people I hadn't even met, and I was open for a friendship with this guy after the first couple of letters. He was very friendly at first. As I had expected. We all like to show others our best sides - at least in the beginning, right?

After a while, he started to dig into whichever / if any problem I ever had with my husband, and asked if I wanted to discuss them with him, whether or not I was happy in my marriage, etc. to which I said "Yes" - I married this man voluntarily, and intend to stay married to him for my entire life". At that point, I had only sent him a passport photo, because I did not feel I knew him well enough.

Soon enough, he started asking for money. At times, the letters from him were all about his lousy economy, and since my own economy was lousy as this point, all I could say, was that I could cover his postage expenses, so he went on asking for nude pictures.

I told him that I wouldn't send pictures - nor would I discuss matters that involved a third part like my husband with someone and say things to this inmate that I didn't even tell my closest one. Also that the correspondence would have to end if he kept pushing it. He wrote back saying he understood he had crossed an important line and could I please forgive?

Of course I forgave. Why shouldn't I? The man was on death row, and I have no problem understanding there is an urge for female companionship, only that he already had that with many other women. According to him, that was not enough, so the letters got more and more pushy. After a while, it got so bad that I started feeling like I was being unfaithful to my husband.

I asked him to please stop writing me. He did not stop. I stopped sending stamps. It still didn't stop. I stopped answering any of his letters / cards, it still didn't stop.

I actually had to contact the prison to ask them to keep him from writing me anymore.

He stepped over my personal bounderies so badly that I sorta felt raped. I still haven't forgotten this. Thankfully, I have very good contact with another prisoner, in another prison, also in another state, that has become a very good friend. One who respects my marriage, send messages to my husband too every now and then, and is a friend. Of course I am EMOTIONALLY involved. However, I'm not romantically involved, and I believe that is also why it seems to be a very solid one. The same way as a romantic relationship opens for certain things, an ordinary friendship opens for other things. Things that do not make me feel like I'm being unfaithful, but things that let the both of us enjoy a companionship and share a little from two very different worlds with one another.

I would never, ever let anyone step on my personal bounderies again. I explained these things in my first letter to this guy - which helped. After writing for about a year and a half, and I've only paid him for the postage, I know he is in it for the companionship and not money or nude pictures or anything else he could use to exploit me.

That is more than I can say about many of the guys out here. As someone else also pointed out, you will find idiots trying to use you and abuse you on both sides of the fence. Don't let one such experience scare you from writing. Actually, similar things have happened to me before - 3 or 4 times actually, but this one stays - and the only thing there's to it, is the friendship.

You don't owe anyone to give, tell or share more than you decide. Friends respect one another. I must admit that I was about to stop believing I would ever find some honest person behind bars, but that is what I found because I didn't give up right away.

Keep looking. They are there. I can assure you. The same way as I can assure you that experiences like you've encountered, happen more often than I like to think about. This is prison. I've never forgotten that. But keep looking!


Aquaria

Thank you all for helping me out and not making me feel bad for having doubts. I tend to be a little too caring at times even at the expense of my own feelings and hate to hurt anyone so this helped a lot I do not feel guilty for standing up to him thanks to all of you and he seems to be respecting me so far but if it continues I now know I wont have to feel guilty if I need to walk away.... I will not give any more chances.... but I also know there are some good pals out there that really do want a friend.

Glad to hear you feel you were helped by others here! :thumbsup: It's a very, very sad thing being forced to walk away, but sometimes, that is the only thing one can do. You sound like you've tried your best, and I seriously doubt anyone would just turn away from someone in a situation like this unless there's a been a tough struggle, feelings of guilt and what's worse.

I'm sure you will find someone who will appreciate you the way you are. You're an honest and straight-forward person, and it's my impression that such qualities are highly valued both on the inside as well as on the outside.

GOOD LUCK TO YOU!! :thumbsup:

Aquaria