where should i begin? i just need to get feed back i have been involved with a guy for the past 5 years during these 5 years i guess you can say i was abused. i know it may sound stupid but i dont know if it is really considered domestic violence because he hasn't done any real harm to me. he's hit me a couple of times had a swollen eye and a knot on my head as a result the lastest incident being the beginning of this year. He has pushed me around a bit but nothing drastic like some of the stories i've heard. THis is the first time anything like this has happened too me. I have no one to turn too. My mother saw me with my eye swollen and had a fit. she told my friend. i thought i could hide this from everyone. i didnt tell my friend the story of what happened i told her i ran into his fist (lame huh) she made a comment that i sounded like one of those domestic abuse women who make up stories to cover. I'm still trying to cope but i am also still with this man. the real reason i am still with him is because i'm afraid of him. can someone please help me with the best solution. if i say the wrong thing to him he gets upset and starts yelling which may lead to another incident. i dont know if i'm making sense or not. I try to forget about what happens to me but when ever there is an argument between me and him all i can think about is if he will hit me again.

lovinhimstill, you're in danger. LEAVE THIS MAN!!!! There is no solution to this problem if you reamin in the relationship.

Domestic violence of any type can't be tolerated. Not only is physical violence a form of abuse, but verbal assaults are just as bad. As hard as it may sound, get away from him NOW. If you continue to stay in this relationship, one of you will be hurt more than just a swollen eye.

If you have to, get your mother, a friend or ANYONE to be there when you leave him (or make him leave). This makes it almost impossible for him to abuse you because abusers normally won't do anything in front of a witness. You can also get a protective order to keep him away from you. You don't have to wait until he does something else to you. He will go to jail or at least have the threat of jail if he bothers you. Do you want to wait until he's broken your nose or something worse? Do you want to wait until you've finally had enough and you do something to him? You know HE would press charges if you hit him!

If you stay with him you will lose all self-esteem, become depressed and ruin your life. If you've been with this guy for 5 years, it is quite likely you've done all three already. Staying with him will only cause a further downward spiral of your emotions, physical health and relationships with others.

If you leave him, you can have a happy and healthy life. You need to finally do something for yourself instead of others.

Don't blame yourself for what he does to you. This is his issue and you can't help him no matter what you think. Pick your head up and stand up for youself. If you don't take control of your life, who else will? I hope you can find the strength to save yourself.

-Michelle

Hi,

Do you work outside the home? If so this'll be easier... Look up domestic violence in your yellow pages or a woman's shelter and call just to talk to someone...Do it from work or from home if he's at work....Hang in there...

There is help available and it doesn't have to mean the end of your relationship. They may be able to help you and in the end you guys could end up in counceling if you want the relationship to not end....There is help available.

(((hugs)))

Deb

Originally posted by lovinhimstill
the real reason i am still with him is because i'm afraid of him. can someone please help me with the best solution. if i say the wrong thing to him he gets upset and starts yelling which may lead to another incident. i dont know if i'm making sense or not. I try to forget about what happens to me but when ever there is an argument between me and him all i can think about is if he will hit me again.

The fact that you are there only because you're afraid to leave speaks volumes to me. It is very dangerous to leave a man like this, but here's the thing; This will get worse as time goes on. Don't tell him you're leaving & do try to get some advice/help from your nearest battered women's shelter. Maybe he can get better with anger management/counceling, but in the meantime, you need to be in a safe place. It's absolutely horrible living in fear all the time; I know, I grew up with it. I will be holding you in my thoughts & prayers.

Adrienne

omg, that is abuse, any time a person puts his hands on you, it is abuse.

Being afraid of him is a sure sign for you to get out before he does something worse to you.
I know it is easier said then done, but, your safty is in danger. Please concider what all that has told you

I used to think the same way- if my abuser didn't beat the s+it out of me, it isn't abuse.

Come on- do you think it is normal to get hit? I am in the process of learning what 'normal' is- 5 years after leaving my abuser.
Openly I will admit that Ernie has smacked me a few times as well- and through the help of a very special friend I am realizing that even that is abuse.

Stay the hell away from people who do this to you!!!! One incident might be an accident- the next one is the beginning of a habit.

Be strong!!!!


Tanya

My exhusband started out by just pushing me around and threatening me. Then I had the black eyes (My excuse was that I missed the football when he threw it to me). After that, it was rape (yes it was rape even though we were married), tying me up, and choking me to the point of unconsciousness. I thank God that I got out. I believe the next time something happened would have been the last time something happened had I not left.
Leaving was the hardest thing to do. He could be so convincing when he promised me that it wouldn't happen again, but then it always did.
So are you being abused? YES!!!!!!!!!!!! Should you leave? Only if you want to live.
How to leave? If you can pack up and get out when he's not there. Go somewhere he can't find you or where you know you'll have protection if he finds you. And don't be around him by yourself. Always have someone with you. Sounds like your mom and your friend would be willing to help.
It feels embarrassing to ask for help sometimes, but believe me you'll be glad that you asked for help in this situation.

My prayers are with you lovehimstill.

The first time he hit you was one time too many. It was abuse! Call the nearest women's shelter and let them help you. Or go to your Mom's, I doubt he will bother you there. Seems to me no guy I ever knew would come around my Mom cause she can see right thru them. I believe your Mom will help you once she knows that you are ready to get out of this abusive relationship. And, as the others have said , do this when he is not around and do not give him any indications that you are leaving. Know that you are in my prayers.....God Bless You!

You need to leave him, period. Any man that would hit a woman is no man at all!Steve&kids

I dont live with him. i dont want to get my parents involved anymore than they already are. They never met him and they dont like him. He's told me that he would come to my job or my house (i live with my parents) i dont want him to do either. I'm not in love with him anymore i'm just dealing with him to keep him calm. Like tonight he told me he feels like disrespecting me because i diss him. Honestly i dont think i do. i admit i have a smart mouth and i get an attitude every now and then but i dont feel he should try to control me with fear and force. He wants to check me.
This has damaged my self esteem because this isnt what i thought would happen to me. What has helped me though is telling the man i am in love with about it. he didnt make me feel worse about what happened he just said i dont deserve it. I told him i left him alone but i havent completly. the man i'm in love with is locked up and cant help me, i dont think he'd understand that i'm scared. i think he may feel as if i'm playing games.
THANK YOU ALL FOR YOUR RESPONSES

Call a shelter and let them help you. That's the very best thing you can do. And by all means, if they have counselling, take advantage of it! This won't get better and your life is in danger. I didn't realize fully how deeply affected I was or how truly in danger I was till I was nearly killled. You have to get out and you need to do it soon! My prayers are with you.

My first husband abused me, physically and mentally. Back in those days, there was no help, no shelters and like you, I didn't want to get my parents involved - because I was ashamed.

I'd call the cops and they would MAYBE show up MAYBE not. Sometimes if they did show, they only laughed and said, "thata boy, keep her in line."

So I stayed after each beating using excuses like:

He said he'd never do it again.
It was MY fault I didn't get supper ready on time
It was MY fault I worked today and didn't get the dishes done.
I loved him, he loved me.
His daughter needed her daddy.
He will stop and soon as I stop doing things to cause this.
Broken bones heal

I had a 100 other excuses.........but not a DAMN one of them stopped him. The last time he beat me I was 8 1/2 months pregnant. I ended up in a coma for about 2 days.

When I woke up, I REALLY WOKE UP. I realized that I was putting my children's health and safety at risk as well as my own. I left and thankfully, this last incident woke him up as well and he got some help..........it was too late to repair our marriage and we divorced.

GET SOME HELP BEFORE YOU END UP IN THE HOSPITAL LIKE I DID..........WITHOUT HELP, THEY HARDLY EVER STOP. get out of this releationship before its too late.

mrs. d

Get out. I, like Mrs. D, went through this years ago when there was not much help out there at all, if any. Now, you can be helped. He will not stop, it will only get worse. Everyone above has given you some great ideas on how to get out....as they say JUST DO IT! Good luck and keep in touch here at PTO and let us know how you are doing.

I cant stress to you the importance of leaving. You have choices, and they may not be easy ones, but for your sanity, and safety, you MUST leave this relationship, and that may mean more than just ending it, you may need to leave your home, and just be totally unavailable to him. This may sound drastic, but often times, these men know where you may go, and will go everywhere they can think of, thinking you may be there, it is all about control. If you want PM me, and I will help in any way I can, I know a lot of resources for our state, and even if you just want to vent, please feel free to do so. Often times , you dont know what you want, but you have to treat this as what it is, VERY SERIOUS, and empowering yourself with knowledge, and just know that there are people out here that will help, with every aspect of your situation. Abuse is abuse, some cases are more horrific, granted, but living in fear, constantly, is why you feel like you do, unable to make decisions, nervous, lonely, emotionally conservative, that can all end, if you leave. You CAN get your own mind back, hon. It takes time, but it is possible.....hope to hear from you...:) God Bless.~

__________________________
"It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; What is essential is invisible to the eye."

~Antoine St. Exupery~

Oh, my. I wish there was an easy answer. "Get out" is right, but you're not living with him and he's still got you scared! I see that you're in California. In San Francisco, you can call the Riley Center hotline at 415-255-0165 and they can give you advice as to what to do first to protect yourself from him. Or look in your yellow pages under "Women - services" or "Women - Centers". I'd say one good move would be to get a restraining order since it would at least make him know you are serious about not taking any more from him. After I left my abusive husband, I was still so scared of him that I borrowed a German Shepard from a friend and never went anywhere without that dog! Whenever my ex called me, I said "I'm not going to talk to you anymore. I'm hanging up now." and then I'd hang up. (Thanks to a shrink I was seeing who kept reminding me that it was all right to hang up on a psychotic!) It took about 2 months, but he finally stopped calling. Always have at least one friend with you if you can manage it. Do not go wandering around town alone. It takes so long to stop being afraid, but eventually you'll find that your life is your own again. Good luck - and keep reminding yourself that YOU DESERVE BETTER!!
- Jane

i know it may sound stupid but i dont know
if it is really considered domestic violence because he hasn't done
any real harm to me. he's hit me a couple of times had a swollen eye
and a knot on my head as a result the lastest incident being the
beginning of this year.

"he hasn't done any real harm to me " yet he's done that to you? come on.
although, sometimes i think these cases go overboard. did you do anything to provoke it?
i'm not blaming you, just suggesting it as something to be considered.
nor am i justifying what he did to you - it was WRONG.
in any case, if i were you i'd probably leave the relationship. one or both of us isn't ready for that if one has a tendency to violence!

How are you doing hun?

LuLU, i'm doing fine thanks for asking. i am slowly seperating myself from him...i dont call him he still calls me but he has a feeling that i'm trying to shake him. in a couple of weeks i will be moving into my own place and i dont plan on telling him where i'll be staying. the only thing is he still has my parents info. but other than that all is well with me thank you guys for giving me the strenght and motivation.

glad to hear you are hanging in there! it takes real strength to let go and accept help from those around you. i hope you come back often and read these pages. see if there are any groups that you can meet with in your area. there are a LOT of women who have been abused and they are a wealth of information. the groups are usually free, you don't have to make an appointment and if you don't feel like going you don't have to. YOU are the master of your domain, beautiful sister, go grab that brass ring!

Alice

First of all, are there children invloved? If so, then everyone's safety should be considered. You have to leave. I grew up in an abusive home and watched my dad doing stuff to my mom and let me tell you as a child you'd always be worrying about the parent being abused. Where in Cali are you? I'm in San Diego, if you want we can meet @ anytime and have lunch and just talk. PM me whenever you fel like it.