My name is Monica "danielle" and I am an addict. I am married to an addict as well, though fortunately we are both in recovery.

The number of lives touched by addictions are countless. Perhaps you are an addict, the parent or spouse or loved one of an addict, or you just have an interest in addiction and rehabilitation.

I have been affiliated with twelve step programs for many years, though I've relapsed in the past. But, just for today, I am straight, clean, sober, or whatever you want to call it. ;)

Having said that - I don't believe the 12 steps have a patent on recovery - they are, however, what's worked for me. So, other experiences, programs, and ideas are welcome.

My husband is in prison, not for drugs directly, but for stealing to support OUR habits. I believed drugs were expensive - I just never knew they would cost us so much. Hindsight is 20/20, isn't it?

As a result of OUR addictions, we both have Hepatitis C now. It's the consequences of our behavior and we'll carry this with us for the rest of our lives.

Welcome to this forum - the door is open, the coffee is on, and hugs are plenty.

Please feel free to post your introductions as well.

Hey guys...it's kath...

you all know by now, Skip is in Texas (TDCJ) on felony DWI charges. We were lucky...his last offense was 10 years ago, and we hit the DA up on a good day, shot for minimum and they took it.

Only one problem...Skip is still back and forth about "I didn't really do anything wrong..." or "they just want all DWI offenders to stay here longer to justify their jobs".....thing is....HE HAS A PROBLEM.....

He doesn't drink every morning, lunch or all day....Skip is a binge drinker. When he starts, he doesn't know when to stop...and MANY drinks later, he's invincible and THINKS he can drive. Felony DWI in Texas is after the 3rd arrest....this is Skip's 2nd Felony DWI charge.

I struggle with so many things....and my eyes are wide open...he starts AA this weekend inside...and he tells me his drinking days are over....As with any addiction, I know it will be one day at a time....there are many things I disagree with on the 12 steps, but some of the foundation principles are good. I still say alcoholism is a crutch, and I'm hard-pressed to be won over to thinking there is some gene in some people that make them NEED TO DRINK. I think most addictions are based on a deep, internal driving force, and the addict has to tap into WHY they do what they do.

I know I cannot make his decisions for him....and the only REAL person who can get Skip better IS SKIP. He has to want to do this....he's a TRULY wonderful man....you guys would love him...he's caring...genuine...an out-N-out cowboy and a gentleman in EVERY sense of the word.....I struggle with his low self-esteem or whatever it is that makes him feel like he must crawl in that bottle.

One more arrest for this offense means 25 to life, and I just cannot fathom that. I KNOW they must make their own decisions, but strong, loving support can help them see that there are options other than the paths they've chosen in the past.

It's a daily struggle....I want him home...I want him well...I think God had him arrested to save his life....but above all else....I BELIEVE IN HIM....

thanks for starting this forum...and thanks for listening!

kath

Tha is all you can do Kath, believe in him and keep the faith,
Dealing with someone with a drinking problem is not easy.

I wish you both the best. :)

Hi Kath. I've been sober for over 18 years and my sobriety is due in great part to AA. It used to be very unclear whether it was genetic, but in recent years it's been medically proven that it truly is genetic. Further, it truly is a disease with clinically clear physical symptoms to diagnose by. It's not a moral issue or a matter of not having will power--------alcoholics are people with very strong will power, as a rule. I jokingly say that it wasn't will power I didn't have, it was "won't power". Addiction is a baffling and ferocious beast. The 12 step program of AA is the only treatment for alcoholism that has a proven track record, and in fact, in Oregon and many other states, in order to get licensed as a treatment center, they HAVE to include AA meetings in their care plans. Alcoholics are a very intelligent group of people and they can hoodwink the most skillful of therapists, so counselling and therapy aren't effective like AA is. Even at best though, only about 5% of alcoholics who enter recovery make 5 years continuously sober and the percentage drops from there in terms of length of sobriety. I know many things about this disease, but I honestly don't know why I made it and others don't--------why some do and some just can't seem to. I lost my husband to addiction three years ago. Denial is a powerful thing and the only thing that will jolt someone out of it is the extreme pain of the consequences of continued addiction------many never reach that state, I guess, that's just the lowest they can go. And there are some who even admit they're alcoholic and continue anyway, like one of my sisters. Good luck. You have to do what you have to do to take care of you and only your loved one can do anything about recovery. If he doesn't think he needs it, he won't seek it, and it's an elevator going to hell. You can get off any point you want and so can he, but he's probably going to go lower than you'd want to go. I hope not for both your sakes.

Kath, this is how I understand it: alcohol is metabolized differently by different people, & I think that's where the genetic predisposition comes in. People who are likely to become alcoholics have a high tolerance for it; that is, they can drink a lot more than normal people & they like the feeling of intoxication, whereas a person with normal chemistry is more likely to dislike the feeling of being out of control or becomes physically ill. There are also changes in the receptors in the brain that comes from drinking alcohol & it's these changes that cause the addiction to it, so sometimes people who aren't really genetically susceptible to alcoholism simply drink themselves into it. Bottom line, alcohol is a drug & alcoholics are addicted to it & can never drink normally because one drink triggers the craving for it due to the changes that have happened in the brain. It's easier to grasp the concept when you understand that all of our thought processes are chemical; that's how the brain functions & different chemicals that are ingested create different brain chemistry.

I may not be saying this as clearly as it needs to be said;I hope someone who is better informed will come along & do a better job than I have because I think it will really help you to understand what is going on in his body. That's not all there is to it, by any means & that's where the 12 steps can help because they (in part) help to clear the alcoholic's conscience somewhat & lead the way to a different way of thinking & better way of life. I would be interested in which of them you find fault with & why if you feel like discussing that.

I think you are looking for some deep psychological reason for Skip's drinking, but I really doubt there is one other than guilt for all the crappy things alcoholics almost always do because they're out of their minds so much of the time, but remember, the drinking preceeded those things occurring.

And by the way, if I don't take a drink in the next 10 days, it will have been 25 years since my last one. So…it can be done.

I'm holding you & Skip in my thoughts & prayers, Kath.

Adrienne

For me, to get my act together, pain was the ONLY motivator that worked. I don't mean physical pain - I mean the pain of hitting rock bottom. I'd been through jails (yes, plural), rehabs (that one's a plural too) but it took losing the one person I loved the most in the world to prison to force me to acknowledge the problem. And the problem? Well, that would be me.

When I am strung out, I am 10 feet tall and bullet proof too. I am smarter, meaner, and a complete @$$. I also have this nasty habit of blaming anybody that's breathing and lying, conning, and manipulating. I'm a typical addict.

Why am I an addict? I don't have a clue. Maybe it's genetic - but there's nobody else in my immediate family that's addicted. My parents are those kind of people that can have major surgery and be prescribed a bottle of pain pills, and ONLY take a pill if they need one. A year after the surgery, most of the pills will still be sitting in their medicine cabinet. They amaze me! I'm being serious - it baffles me that the pills don't talk to them. But, it doesn't really matter why - what matters is the "How."

What I'd suggest? Just as PTO is wonderful for finding understanding in dealing with prisons, Al-Anon is wonderful in dealing with an alcoholic. Find a group, attend some meetings and get involved. So that when Skip does come home, YOU have taken care of yourself. Believe me when I tell you, YOU ARE NOT ALONE! You may hear things you don't want to hear - and I've left many, many meetings pi$$ed, swearing I'll never, ever go back - but I always heard what I needed to hear.

(((HUGS))) and best wishes to you and Skip.

toi_ama - 18 years sober
and
Flowerchild - almost 25 years sober!

Wow! That's 43 years of recovery!!!!! Obviously something's working!

((HUGS)) to both of you! :)

Adrienne....YEAH!!! I'm so proud of you....and sure, I would love to talk about AA....

For those who don't know...here are the 12 steps...


THE TWELVE STEPS OF AA


Step 1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable.

Step 2: We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

Step 3: We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God, as we understand him.

Step 4: We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

Step 5: We admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

Step 6: We were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

Step 7: We humbly asked Him to remove these shortcomings.

Step 8: We made a list of all the persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

Step 9: We made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

Step 10: We continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

Step 11: We sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understand him, praying only for knowledge of his will and the power to carry that out.

Step 12: Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.


"The only requirement for membership in AA is the desire to stop drinking."
- Alcoholics Anonymous, by Bill Wilson, et. al.


I found this reponse to the 12 steps on the internet, and while I don't fully agree with EVERYTHING he says, he makes some valid points....I DON"T DISAGREE with AA...but I've seen many go into a program...and it's one bad thing replacing another bad thing....does that make sense??? I know this post is somewhat harsh...KEEP IN MIND..I DID NOT WRITE THIS......

***********************************************
The Twelve-Step Program is not about addiction recovery; it is about Alcoholics Anonymous, a religious denomination that binds its membership together with fear of self-destruction, surrender of autonomy, unwholesome introspection, prescribed meditations, and the promise of divine intervention. When freely chosen, religious solutions may benefit individuals and society; when forced, they cannot quell the animal desire for self-intoxication. Indeed, forced participation in religion kills the human spirit as surely as addiction itself.

Only A Desire to stop....
The steps above contain no suggestion that one summarily quit drinking/using, or of how one might achieve that goal. The AA fellowship expects that members only desire to stop, and certainly not to consummate recovery through a personal commitment to abstinence. It is presumed that, due to an inherent, congenital defect, AA members, i.e., "alcoholics," are constitutionally incapable of accepting moral responsibility for lifetime abstinence. They believe that such ideas are unrealistic, doomed to failure, and are cardinal symptoms of their common affliction. No member may claim to know if or when they will drink or use drugs in the future, for such knowledge would connote responsibility, and negate the purpose of the program. Recovery is not regarded as an immediate, individual responsibility, but as a long-term, group project requiring intense support from others who only desire so stop, but not quit, drinking.

We all stop at stop signs, only to start up again. Quitting for life is much different from desiring to merely stop, one-day-at-a-time. Quitting is harder, even gut-wrenching, but sets the stage from freedom based on human competency and individual responsibility.

Mission Impossible
It is impossible for addicted people to fashion a recovery program for others before resolving that problem themselves. Alcoholics Anonymous was founded by two tentatively sober drunks, Bill Wilson and Bob Smith, who gave up on themselves after repeated failures to abstain or drink moderately. Ignorant of the nature of addiction, and unaware of their own Addictive Voices, each hoped to find in the other what they could not find in themselves, the ability to stay sober without really quitting. So, each of them placed the responsibility upon the other. Unwilling to make the painful decision to unconditionally quit drinking, they created an ersatz religion which excluded and absolved moral accountability for drunkenness, describing that behavior as involuntary. The program's preoccupation with moral and character defects also dignifies drunkenness as a disease. They predictably interpreted their past failures to honor their word as evidence that it is humanly impossible for certain people, like them, to do so. Accordingly, they came up with the 12-step program, which makes no mention of quitting, but procrastinates that painful decision daily and forever. They discovered that other substance abusers are highly attracted to any arrangement that shifts the responsibility for abstinence to other entities. While they claimed the only condition for membership is the desire to quit, it is fear of the bodily desire for intoxicated pleasure, the Beast, that bonds the fellowship together. Before the Beast, AA says, humans are powerless. Thus, AA is the embodiment of the collective Beast, defending itself against moral injunction, and the 12-steps are its human voice.

Inversion of truth
Wilson's and Smith's initial inversion of truth, their artful evasion of moral responsibility for drunkenness and abstinence, required suspension of critical judgment not only by AA members, by a society that is justifiably intolerant of preposterous drunken behavior. To accommodate AA's initial inversion of truth, other "adjacent truths" have progressively been inverted, aided by the professional community, with the result that a radical, new philosophy of dependency and victimhood is overtaking traditional American values of independence, self-restraint, self-reliance, and human resilience.

As the recovery group movement marches forward using the apparatus and force of government, social decline is apparent. Step 12, above, has launched an army of altruists upon our social institutions, 12-step believers who have convinced a desperate, trusting society that their God-given creed will deliver us from an epidemic of addictive disease. They sow the seeds of mass addiction contained in the disease-treatment concept, and present their program as the only thing that works. No longer an association of helpful volunteers, AA has become a humble program of coercion, using our social institutions to force its faith on the public at large. Its faith, however, is founded on the belief that human beings are powerless over the bodily desire for pleasure, which describes beasts of the field and not human beings. Indeed, such a philosophy is corrosive to the cornerstones of human civilization -- self-restraint and individual (read: moral) responsibility.

As a means to combat substance addiction, AA stands clearly as a colossal, astronomically expensive, failure. As a government sponsored social program (about half of the members are mandated!), AA is a danger to America. History has shown that when the animal side of human nature is at the helm, chaos is inevitable.

Let us believe in people, and not programs!
************************************************

If Skip is put into AA as a term of parole, it will be the state "forcing" him. I want Skip to enter a program, because it's his desire...does that make sense? I can only hope this IS his rock bottom. I do know...no one in his past has ever really cared, and now he has someone who does. He wants us to get married when he comes home, and he even offered to adopt my kids....He has a lot of things in his life he never had before, and I believe he is seeing....life is too short, there are things he needs to accomplish, and he needs to be sober to do so.

does that make sense?
kath

If Skip is put into AA as a term of parole, it will be the state "forcing" him. I want Skip to enter a program, because it's his desire...does that make sense?

Yes that makes sense. When I was first introduced to recovery, I was a sheet-signer. I had to get those annoying sheets of paper signed at every meeting I attended. I can say honestly, though, had it not been for that then I would have never stuck around on my own.

Those sheets were my ticket to staying out of jail and honestly that's all I cared about. I didn't want to go back and I had enough sense to "follow the rules" (go to the meetings) and EVENTUALLY it rubbed off. I saw people worse off than I had ever been and they were clean and sober, had great jobs, and most of all they were HAPPY! I wanted what they had and they suggested that I keep coming back. So, as a former sheet signer, a former one being "forced" to go there's nothing I regret about it.

Just look at it this way - for that hour he's sitting in a meeting, he's not drinking. For that hour he's surrounded by winners, other alcoholics who aren't drinking, and even if it's required that he go, just maybe he'll hear or see something that'll save his life.

Bring the body and the mind will follow...

Well, I have to admit, that essay kinda went over my head, I mean, some of the things he said just didn't make a bit of sense to me & I think I'm reasonably intelligent. Still…this is what I know about AA. It was started by two men who were considered to be hopeless drunks. If I remember correctly, they got involved in a group called the Oxford Movement, a group of people who had found healing for many diseases, including cancer & alcoholism, through spiritual awakening & these two men, by following the tenets of that movement, against all odds, became sober. The 12 steps of AA come directly from those tenets, with some modifications. And one of the most important tenets was that in order to continue one's healing, it had to be passed on to others. Now I wasn't around in the 30's, but from what I've read, alcoholism was just about 100% fatal in those days & when these two men became sober it was a big deal & others were desperate to try it. The alcoholic part of the Oxford Group in the US began to swell in numbers & in time it broke away & became an autonomous group, partly because the alcoholics felt that the Oxford Group was too religious, which usually doesn't sit well w/drunks. They named themselves Alcoholics Anonymous & they grew. In time untold thousands of people found their way to sobriety in AA, myself included.

The writer said that AA "binds its membership together with fear of self-destruction, surrender of autonomy, unwholesome introspection, prescribed meditations, and the promise of divine intervention." Well, I had a fear of self-destruction when I joined AA; in fact, that is exactly why I went to my first meeting; I knew I was destroying my life. Fear of autonomy? I'd already tried to do it myself & it was obvious that I couldn't. I promise, it wasn't because I wanted to fail. Unwholesome introspection? Well, I think it's a good thing to fear unwholesome introspection — isn't that another way of saying self-centeredness? Prescribed medications? Well, I know what the writer means there: pain pills. Yep, really bad for alkies. Promise of divine intervention? Ok, got me there. I can honestly tell you that I believe my sobriety is a gift from my higher power, many call it the grace of God. But I was a atheist at the start. I'd rather be a thriving sober individual w/a deep belief in a higher power than a dead atheist any day. And to be honest with you, I know people who've stayed sober just believing in the group as their higher power, & that's ok with me.

I'm not going to take this on point-by-point because it's getting late in the day & I don't have the energy for it. But I do want to say a couple of things. First of all, this person wants to argue with the concept of "one day at a time". Well, that's the only way we can live this life & that's really pretty elementary. If I don't drink today, then the next, & the next, well, by George, one of these days my life will end & I will have had all of these sober days, for which those who survive me will be very grateful. And "Wilson & Smith" didn't artfully evade moral responsibility — they just wanted to be sober & help other people who were suffering by offering them something, finally something, that worked.

Kath, I really thought this essay was mean-spirited & a little hysterical myself. Maybe this is a person who has had AA shoved down his/her throat & deeply resented it. I've never been crazy about the courts mandating AA to people who got in trouble with the law because of alcohol abuse. I'm sure they do it because they don't know what else to do. As for myself, I always found that people who were in meetings when they didn't want to be were hostile & disruptive & a detriment to the group, but then after I heard a couple of dozen people say that they had their first exposure to AA that way and found their way back after they finally hit their bottom, I stopped minding it so much.

I don't think AA is perfect because people aren't perfect. I honestly don't think that the Lord's Prayer should be said (recited) in meetings because not all alcoholics are Christian; it's a tradition, a hold over from the 30s & I think it's being dropped in some places. AA is not a religious denomination.

Personally I think it's Skip's best hope & that's because I don't know of anything else that's ever worked.

I'm sure that others will have more to say about this; I hope you're keeping an open mind! We do mean well.

Adrienne

I have been to AA/NA meetings and have seen what they work towards with the members.
With my man, the meetings work. I go with him or he goes alone. The fellowship is what works for him, I believe.
I have seen him so low and desperate looking, and then jump up suddenly and say" I am going to find a meeting...you coming or not?" After the meeting, he has a look of peace or strength to him that he didn't have before we went. Talking and listening to others who are the same or far worse in their addictions is what helps my guy.He now chairs the NA meetings in the jail and attends AA every week as well.
I don't believe 12 Step programs would work for every person, but then the way I look at it, chemo doesn't work for every person either, or methadone for the hard core heroin or morphine addict. Maybe he will find what he is needing in AA, Kath, and maybe he won't. But at least he is going to see what it is all about.
I wish you both the best of luck with this struggle.

Shan

AA and NA work if you truly want them to. I have seen it many times. My man goes faithfully to the meetings and he now chairs the NA meetings at the pen. The fellowship is the gold in those organisations. Think how much PTO helps, just being able to vent, listen, see how others in your same situation are dealing with issues. That is the ticket to 12 step programs as far as I am concerned. To sit with a fellow addict and hear his/her story, understand that you are not the only one struggling with that monkey.
I wish everyone who has to deal with an addicted husband/wife/mother/child strength and love on their journeys.

S

Kath,,
I know where you are coming from with the Texas laws on DWI'S. I was a guard there when it was T.D.C.in 84-89.
I also got 2 DWI'S, 1 in 89 the other in 90. that is when i learned that i had a problem with drinking and went to AA
on and off for years.i just moved back to Mi from lousiana, and after being sober for a bit then i went on a binge that lasted a month. I ended up in the hospital with Pancreantites all because i thought i could control my problem. I got nobody to blame for my drinking but me, and i accept that.
I hope your man will see that Texas dont give a damm about people who drink socialy let alone the ones that are like me and think i can.as of today i am sober 2 weeks 1 day,
i know its nothing to bragg about but when the Dr told me thaf drink again that i will die!! Not only did i have Pancreantites, but i had tumers on it also from my drinking.
so i had a choice get soberor die at 42, and thats to young for me.
I wish you and him the best of luck,,stand by him and let him know that you care about him and his well being. with your support and his will to stop i think he can do it,, as for me i got no choice but hell i had fun while it lasted(if i want to call it fun) take care,and God bless
The SkullKeeper

That article sounds to me like someone on what we call a "dry drunk". AA is a spiritual program, not a religious one, and nothing is mandated------it's a "suggested" program of recovery because alcoholics don't react very well to being told what to do. The way it works is that one alcoholic can share with another from having been there--------just like one person who has been in prison can share with another who has been in prison------in a way that nobody else can. But the AA program won't work if it's mandated----it will only work if the person becomes willing to take suggestions and willing to learn. I can honestly say that I didn't want to quit drinking. I hoped they'd tell me some pill I could take instead if I had to quit. But I had been living in hell and if I had to totally quit everything, I was willing to give it a try because the other alcoholics I met there who were sober told me what they had done and that it worked. But I wouldn't have been able to admit I was alcoholic if I hadn't listened to their stories and I couldn't have stayed sober each day without their loving moral support. And it was tough love, because you can't con a con and you can't slip anything past another alcoholic like you can a therapist or someone who hasn't been there.

Hugs for all you other recovering alcoholics here! And Skullkeeper----welcome! Newly sober people are very important to me and I'm glad you shared. I'll keep you in my prayers.

Kath, I meant to bring this up to you a while back when you had posted something about asking Skip if his drinking days were over, but that was back when I was so sick and I'd made a note at the time to get back to it and didn't, but now's a good (maybe better, now that we have this forum!) time as any...

Have you looked into Al-Anon? 'cos I really really really think you would benefit from what Al-Anon has to offer to those with an alcoholic loved one. It really helped me get a grip on things and I often wished that I had sought that out when I was living with my ex, who was an alcoholic and drug addict, but still it helped sort out a lot of my confusion and other issues later on. If you haven't already been to a meeting, I would really really like to see you go to a couple... there are even regular meetings online (I'm going to post that link in the resources thread shortly).

Of course as you all know Brian is an alcoholic/drug addict too. I would have loved for him to be able to take advantage of NA-type stuff inside - as he has not had a drink in many many years but drugs have continued to be an occasional problem over the years - but since the only thing offered in his facility is AA, he has been extremely involved in AA and it has done wonders for him. We don't have Nar-Anon here in this area or I'd have done that long ago, but Al-Anon has done some pretty good wonders for me all the same, Brian's mom is also a longtimer and active in Al-Anon. It's been a godsend for both of us. We'd have both remained crazy and miserable without it.

There are things I don't always agree with and my old Al-Anon group used to get on my nerves, but really it's a matter of finding the right group for you and where you are comfortable. Al-Anon can do a lot to help clear up the confusion and wonderings and all those things those of us with alcoholic/addict loved ones go thru, and most importantly help you learn to take care of YOU so you can be the best you can be in supporting your alcoholic/addict loved one. Of course things like this forum - those of us not only dealing with prison but with alcoholic/addict loved ones too - can help the same. But I really urge you, Kath, to check out an Al-Anon meeting or two if you haven't, just to see.

I haven't been very active in Al-Anon lately but when Brian comes home, and especially if we take that next step and wind up being together full-time, it's going to be a must for us, going to meetings regularly, whether AA/Al-Anon or NA/Nar-Anon. We'll find a group we like and we'll be one of those couples there every time the door's open, with him in AA/NA meetings while I'm in Al-Anon/Nar-Anon and going to joint meetings together... it's going to be imperative for us, or else we're liable to slide back into the same old same old... him using and/or drinking and me miserable, like I was for so many years with my ex.

My ex is another AA success story. Neither Brian nor my ex (who was his best friend) would likely be alive right now were it not for the tools they've learned to combat their addictions thru AA. And I'd still be miserable and resentful and hateful and confused were it not for all I gained thru Al-Anon.

Seriously, Kath, it's good that you are concerned about Skip and how he's going to manage in the future... but if y'all are going to be together you need to be sure and take care of YOU too, and one of the best things you can do for him is get into Al-Anon and find the tools you will need to deal with being the loved one of an alcoholic. Whether he's an active alcoholic or in recovery, it's kinda still the same kettle of fish. I'd love to see Skip in AA as well because I think it could be a huge benefit, but even if he won't, it will only help you both if you are involved in Al-Anon... much more than both of you trying to do it on your own. I really urge you to check into it if you haven't...

I am so glad this forum is here now! While I am a big proponent of AA/Al-Anon & NA/Nar-Anon, I have found sometimes in some (not all) Al-Anon groups, the mention of words like "PRISON" or "twenty year sentence for murder" sometimes causes raising of eyebrows or blank, shocked looks. I think those of us with incarcerated loved ones who are in recovery or still struggling with addictions have to deal with some issues that those who know nothing of the prison experience can really understand - so I am really pleased that PTO, being the wellspring of support it is for those of us with incarcerated loved ones, now has its own forum geared to substance abuse treatment and rehabilitation! YAY! :)

I have a long list of people with substance abuse problems in my life... including myself. In my younger years I drank a LOT and did just about every drug you can name, but, like another PTO member recently posted, I just don't have that addictive personality, I could always take it or leave it. I figured if I was going to become an addict or alcoholic, it would have happened way back then. The party days have been long over for me, ten years or more... I haven't done any drugs in that long or longer, and other than the occasional beer, or drink or two with dinner, drinking is a rare thing for me. Used to be, I never understood why so many around me couldn't just take it or leave it like I could.

And there are so many. My father was a functioning alcoholic, and a workaholic, who never missed work or did any other things you think of alcoholics doing, yet drank beer constantly when he wasn't at work. So many of my friends have fought addictions to alcohol or drugs - some have won, while some have lost, like one of my dearest friends from college days whose body just plain gave out a couple of years ago after nearly two decades of heroin addiction.

And then there's my ex, whom I shared a home and a life with for seven years, whose drug and alcohol addiction ultimately split us up for good. Years later, after hitting rock bottom for a third time, he finally wanted help. Even though we had been apart for several years at that point, it looked to me like I could leave him where he was and he was probably going to die, or I could do something about it. So I helped get him into treatment and, finally, it "took". He and I have now not been in contact since about three years ago, but last I heard he was still successful in his recovery, had made a good new life for himself, and is doing well. It's bittersweet for me - for one because I wish he had wanted that help when we were still together, and then later, at one time during his initial start on recovery, we had discussed the possibility of getting back together, which didn't happen. But I'll never regret being there to help him get clean and sober when he finally wanted that help. He deserved a better life than he had allowed himself to have up to that point, and now, and especially thanks to AA, he has that better life. His past drug use did leave him with Hepatitis C, but so far as I know he's still healthy.

But those of you who have been here long enough and know any of my story at all know that my current boyfriend Brian, my incarcerated loved one who is the reason I came to PTO in the first place, is also a drug addict and alcoholic in recovery... and just happened to be one of my ex's most frequent drug buddies and fellow drinkers, because way back when, Brian was our best friend, me & my ex. Brian being around, and living with us some of that time, is what sort of turned up the heat on my ex's own addiction problems, and the miserable time for us after Brian committed his crime and was locked up really sort of sent my ex into the point of no return with his drinking and drugging. For a long time that was one of the many things I was angry with Brian over, his "bad influence" over my ex and what I perceived to be his part in my relationship with my ex crashing & burning. It took a long time to realize that all of that, my ex's increasing substance abuse and our failed relationship, would have happened with or without Brian, I was blaming him for things he had no control over or real part of.

Yet here I am, now, with Brian and probably will be for a long time if not for life, who back in those pre-prison days was probably the biggest and worst drug addict and alcoholic I've ever known, and I've known many. He was a MESS at 21, 22 years old. He started drinking when he was 12 and doing drugs soon after - that's over 20 years of drug and alcohol abuse, and he's only 35 now. And his addictions certainly helped to land him where he is now, in prison - while not the direct cause, he wouldn't have been where he was nor likely done what he did had he been clean and/or sober. Take away the drugs and alcohol from the equation, and there would likely have never been the prison experience in his life, thirteen years of it now.

And I am not totally innocent in this story - when Brian was still out here and with us, me in my early twenties and still in my partying days, yeah, I participated now and then. Not as much as they were - Brian, his then-girlfriend who was my best friend from home, and my ex, the three of them were all so wasted and messed up all the time somebody had to be the "adult" of the house and keep a roof over our heads and food in the fridge, and that person was mostly me... all three of them were working but mostly doing menial jobs or waiting tables and I was the only one bringing in any real money. We were sort of a family together for a while, dysfunctional but family all the same. But even though I was the "adult" of the house I'd participate now and again, mostly just in drinking but sometimes other things. Brian would have been the one to introduce me to intravenous drug use had it been possible - I have an old memory of us, him 20, me 22 years old, him holding my arm and desperately trying to find a vein (they were too small) and finally giving up, apologizing. It was one of two times he sort of had my life in his hands like that... we weren't even a couple then, but twice he saved me from what might have been a similar fate as his own, all that horror of addiction. I don't know for sure if he really just couldn't do it, or if he just couldn't bring himself to do it to me BECAUSE it was me.

All those years dealing with his addiction, my ex's, others, pretty much got me to the point where drugs no longer interested me and in fact, made me mad, having watched some friends' lives just totally ruined by crack. And even just drinking at all wasn't fun anymore. I used to love to play quarters with my friends or, you know, go to a hockey game and down a few beers and catch a good buzz. I sort of both grew out of it and just got totally turned off by it after witnessing drugs and alcohol destroy so many lives around me, including my own with my ex.

As most of you know Brian and I were estranged for about ten years, so when we finally were in contact again, I was so relieved to find that he had not only grown up and gotten himself together over that time, but he'd done the Substance Abuse Program in prison and was in fact at that time living in a dorm specifically for those in the SAP program and was a leader within the program. He's done well, not perfect, but it's a far cry from the complete and utter mess he used to be. He hasn't had a drink since before he was incarcerated - I wish I could say the same about drugs, but that wouldn't be truthful. The longest clean period he's had in this thirteen years of being locked up is about three years, which is great comparative to old days. You name the drug, he's done it, but the one drug he had never done before his incarceration was heroin, and unfortunately he discovered that within the prison walls. About a year after he and I started writing each other, we went through about six months of sheer hell with him struggling, and even though he got and stayed clean again, we spent a good bit of last year trying to put the pieces back together emotionally as a result of him using again.

His recovery since hasn't been 100% perfect, we still struggle some and just take everything day by day, but things have been better. Even though things have changed since we first were in contact again - the dorm is now an honor dorm instead, though most of the same people from when it was an SAP dorm are still living there - he's still very active in AA and has also gotten an extra spiritual boost thru the prison ministry there. He's doing really good, I'm really proud of him, and I don't worry about him all the time like I used to. He knows what he has to do to keep himself well and together and, more importantly, is well aware of what he has to do when he gets out in order to stay well and clean, and have a chance at a new life that's prison-free, drug-free, and alcohol-free... the latter two of which he has never had as an adult and a free man. AA has done him a world of good, and I expect that if we have a life together, AA/NA and Al-Anon/Nar-Anon will be a continual part of our lives.

My addict friend who died a couple of years ago used to say I was the closest thing to being an addict without ever having been one, because of all I've seen and all I know. He also said I have seen too much and know too much, which is probably true too. I know there are no guarantees that my incarcerated addict loved one is going to stay clean, in or out of prison, and I do worry that if they don't let him go this time, he's going to give up the fight that he is, so far, mostly winning. But we are really hopeful that there's a bright future ahead free of all that crap we've now been dealing with for decades, at the very least he is tired of his addiction and all the crap that results from it and is ready for something better and I am too. All we can do is just take it all one day at a time, and have hope, so that's what we do.

It's hard enough being the loved one of an addict out here on the outside - I think those of us who have an incarcerated loved one who's an addict have to deal with issues that other folks just can't really comprehend. Being stuck in that environment as long as he has and under the circumstances that he has, where he should have been out nearly a decade ago - heck yeah, if it were me I'd never have lasted this long!! That environment and the depression about his situation just makes the struggling all the more worse, so I feel the fact that we have gone about a year and a half now with only a couple of short-lived minor crises, and before that he'd had a year, and before that three years... it's not the perfect track record, but still it's SUCH an improvement from the way things used to be with him being a mess 24/7. Him being inside and struggling, even if it's just with the emotional issues and not actively using - it's so frustrating to me when I know that, were he out here, there's a ton of things we could do about those struggling times, and being in the environment he'll have with so much support - me, his family, his sponsor, everything - things will be better, easier.

But in there, in prison, there's only so much support available, although he's taken good advantage of what there is - and there's also a lot of people in that prison environment that would like to see him, or anyone that's doing well, fail. That's the kind of issue people like me, and anyone else here who has an incarcerated loved one who's an addict, has to deal with that most of those folks in Al-Anon or Nar-Anon who've never had to deal with "the prison thing" have NO concept of what that's like. For every supportive AA-involved inmate in that prison that my guy knows, there's several drug dealers and users in that place that would like to see him slip up and fail in his recovery just for kicks, just for their own entertainment, and in a closed-up environment like that, all your addict loved one really has to rely on is his own strength and will, 'cos there's not a heck of a lot of places to go and get away from it within prison walls.

So I'm doubly, triply glad and grateful that we now have this forum on PTO to discuss drug and alcohol treatment and rehabilitation. I think there's a bunch of issues, just like that one, that only those of us who have experience with not only addiction but also the prison experience can comprehend. I gained a lot of insight and knowledge thru Al-Anon and thru personal experience before I had any dealing at all with "the prison thing", but dealing with this stuff AND prison is like a whole other kettle of fish and I've had to re-learn some old stuff and learn some new stuff about it all since adding prison to the equation of having an addict/alcoholic loved one. Hopefully I've got some tips & tricks to share and will be looking forward to others sharing their own stories and tips in here.

Enough of me, God knows I could talk about this stuff all day long (and have!!! LOL!)... :D

Thank you for sharing your story - and for continuing to be the remarkable woman that you are. ;)

Wonderful!!!!
I know exactly what you are saying, and it can be quite scary at times.
Robert's ONLY reason for being in prison is his drug addiction. What a waste of a perfectly wonderful guy!
I hope and pray every day that when Robert comes home, he can stay clean. I know that he has been clean since going in (a year this month folks!!! Woo! Hoo!) but living out here is a different story.
He says that he will, and that he is done with the drugs. I know in his heart he believes that, but I don't think it will be as easy as he thinks it will be. If it were, he wouldn't be back in on a parole violation for using again right?
So, it really is one day at a time. AND, really, the hardest and scariest part begins when he comes home. That's what scares the devil out of me. BUT, I have faith in him and I have faith in God. I am not an overly regligious person, but I do believe that God will help those that are willing. And I believe that Robert is willing. (If he's not, he WILL be! LOL)
Thanks for the wonderful post!!!! :)

THANKS FOR SHARING YOUR LIFE AND YOUR INSIGHT INTO YOUR LIFE AND LOVE.

Thank you for the great post Lysbeth!

Aw Monica thanks... y'know I think you're pretty peachy meself... ;)

Jeni, I've always had such hope and fondness for you and Robert 'cos I've seen so many similarities in him and Brian, and in mine & Brian's relationship to yours & Robert's, in things you've written and that Robert has written that you've shared with us. In a lot of ways I have the same hopes and fears for Robert and for y'all that I do for Brian and for us. The only difference is I don't worry as much about what happens when Brian gets out, it's him being stuck in there much longer that I worry about... whereas Robert has done SO wonderfully staying clean in there, which is a great, great thing. Of course Brian has been stuck where he is a long, long time now, years longer than anyone thought he would have, and that has contributed to the "whys" of why it's been so hard for him. Out here on the outside, there are still no guarantees, but I'm not quite as concerned. One day at a time and at least he'll be out of that environment. Robert, on the other hand, sounds like he has the opposite task at hand - doing fine in there and what's ahead after his release is more worrisome. I'm not terribly religious either, but I know God's had a hand in keeping Brian as safe and well as he's been, and Robert too. And they're around the same age, and probably Robert knows this like Brian does - Brian's said before that nothing but the grace of God has kept him alive, and God's not going to continue to spare him time and time again. I have a lot of hope for all of us and a lot of faith in both our guys, and with any luck maybe they'll be getting out around the same time. We just gotta hang in there, sister, and have faith and keep that strength up and take good care of ourselves, and let God take care of the rest and the boys will hopefully keep up what they must do to stay well and get their lives back again, you know?

That's what I'm hoping for and counting on... and PTO'll be here for those days when I wanna pinch his fool head off (and have recently, but that's a whole different message thread!!!)! ;)

Thanks for the kind words, Denim and Valerie... means a lot. :)

Lys, Bless you !
What you have said sounds right on. I think that if Robert had been in as long as Brian has, there is a good chance that he might have given up a time or two. Really, how can they not? Having your only hopes dashed is a horrible thing!
I don't know how easily available drugs are in prison, but from what i have heard, getting them is usually not a problem. It lightens my heart to know that Robert has chosen to stay away from them. However, like you said, it's when he gets out that is going to be the true story.
I think that Brian REALLY sounds like he is getting it together.
Either way, I think that both of them have learned a hard lesson a terrible way. I tend to think that if Robert didn't learn it this way, he wouldn't have learned it at all. He'd most likey be dead.
Brian and Robert both did something to land them in prison, something that they most likey wouldn't have done if it weren't for the drugs. That in itself is the saddest thing of all. But, they did what they did, and they are now dealing with it. Robert has always wondered why he has been spared. Of all the stupid things he has done in his life, how is it that he is still alive ya know? That tells me, as it does with Brian, that God has other plans for them. They are both lucky to have survived their dealings with drugs, and now it is time to live life.
I thank God everyday for Robert, and I thank God that there are people like you and everyone else here on PTO that understand.
I think that you and Brian sound like an amazing couple, and I am so glad that after ten years, you got it to where it was supposed to be. Everything happens for a reason, and it sounds like you have that reason now. :)
As for myself, nothing has ever come easy to me. So, I know that with Robert, it is the real thing. If it weren't, it wouldn't be so hard! lol
Again, bless you and bless Brian. Thank you for letting your story be known so it could affect people like me. Brian and Robert sound like two peas in a pod! Same age, similar history, does Brian play the guitar and think he's Perry Farell too? LOL
Love ya girl!

lys,

Thanks for sharing that with us, it must have been very difficult and bittersweet...going back in the past always does that for me.
Keep being the woman that you are!!

Sunnie

Aw, Jeni, thanks for the kind words... {{hug}}

I guess it's probably different at different places but I think for the most part drugs are easily available in prison, if one can afford them that is... what's five or ten dollars on the street is easily fifty behind the walls, and usually with interest accrued fast. You have good reason to be proud of Robert for staying away from them while locked up. Brian and I were talking not too long ago and I said something about when they're (drugs) around and the temptation is there, and he said, "No, you don't understand - they are ALWAYS around, the temptation is ALWAYS there if you let it tempt you." We talked about it further and he explained there is never a day in there that someone's not holding, he could get them any time he wanted. So out of 547 days (a year and a half), he's stumbled two of those days. It sure ain't perfect, but I'm proud of him for those other 545 days. I am always saying he is the stronger of the two of us, and really he is. If he can just stay strong enough to get us thru to the end of this prison time, I think we've got a good chance that everything's going to be alright.

And yep, Brian plays guitar too... although "Nothing's Shocking" was often on the stereo here back in the day, I think he probably thinks he's Kirk Hammett of Metallica, or Slash, or Billy Duffy of The Cult, or John Frusciante of the Peppers... he says he can't sing (I've heard him sing along with the radio and disagree, tho!). Shoot, we're already planning post-incarceration trips to Savannah and Charleston and all kinds of places, maybe I oughta add Detroit to the list - wouldn't that be a blast?! And some extra confirmation that a couple of recovering addict ex-felons (and their way cool girlfriends) can have a great time hanging out drug-free and alcohol-free? Hey, maybe y'all can meet us halfway in Ohio when we go visit his dad one of those days in the future! Something to look forward to! :)

Love & {{hugs}} -
Lys

Sunnie, thanks... it's a little bittersweet but really it's always kinda cathartic to me... going back in the past like that is always a good reminder of how much BETTER things are these days, and how much they have improved!!! Thanks much for the kind words. :)

The thought of posting my life on the internet where thousands of people could read it, makes me a little bit nervous. I also know me, and once I make myself vunerable that way, it's hard for me to look people in the eye...and I still have this habit of wanting to run....

I have been a member of AA for going on 18 years October 28, 1985. Today I buried a friend Jerry who was at my first meeting at age 20, who died 28 years sober, at age 88. Alot of the old timers I hung with were in their 50's already and most had been sober a number of years. They used to tell me things like "you didn't drink long enough", "go do some more research." "sit down and shut up", you have nothing to say until you have about a year sober"...back then sponsors appointed themselves to new comers and that's how I met Patt.
She was a real church going type of gal, who drove me crazy with her religious way of trying to cram God down my throat and the steps down my throat. I was young, mean and had a vocabulary of nothing but 4 letter words. At meetings, if I talked I had to pay her 10 cents a cuss words and needless to say she could have bought a couple of houses with what I paid her over the years. She fired me several times over the years and when I was ready to listen I always came crawling back.

I prided myself with the fact I could drink just about any man under the table, and could shoot pool and play liars dice like a pro. I didn't go to bars legally but I had a fake ID and noone ever checked. I went to bars to drink, and socialize. God forbid if some "guy" tried to pick up on me, because I would straight tell him, "If I was interested in "THAT" you'd know..and was very rude and hurtful when getting my point across that I was not looking for a man, I was excercising my freedom of speach and having a good time.

I was a tom boy most of my life, and I odn't think figured out I was a girl until I hit about 35. I was heavily into sports and loved motercycles, the fast life and fast people. I came from a family of very successful and church going EVERY sunday parents and my two brothers and one sister followed that plan. I did NOT. I went to church because my parents made me...and I already knew I was going to hell, because of the thoughts I had sitting of the priest and the alter boys who I though looked mighty fine in their gowns. Standing, sitting, standing, kneeling at St. Monica's Roman Catholic Church. I went to confession, took communion, and when it came time for the sip of wine, I would down the goblet. I should have known then I would most likely become alcoholic. LOL.

I am the only confessed alcoholic in my family and the only one who has been in jail, and the only one who is NOT successful at business, or finished college, or got married to the perfect guy and had the perfect life. I dated men you don't take home to meet the family, and embarrased my family on a regular basis.
Stole the car to roam the streets at 2 am pick up my friend Kathleen and maybe Karen, and we'd go to the animal house and party til around 430, because my dad got up at 5 am every morning to go to work.
I started drinking my freshman year in High School and while my friends all out grew that stage, went to college and got married, I hit my bottom at age 20 and went to AA.

I was young, and mean like I said, and very, very angry. I did everything that was not recommended and basically "screwed"my way though the first 5 years or so of my recovery. When my reputation got too bad at AA, I switched to NA. I white knuckled it for 8 years, and nothing changed really in that time. I thought it was 94 but it was 1993 that I found it necessary to pick up another drink.

I had my own place, and a good job, and finally some peace in my life..or so I thought. I met a guy at work, and he drank and used drugs..By then I was convinced I had just gone through a faze, that I was not an alcoholic, not really, I just had finally grew up and now I could drink normal..HAHA...
Soon I was drinking at least a quart of jack a day and my life started to turn to shit...I started dating a few other people other than my boyfriend, and in November of 1994, I found out I was pregnant, and my dad had a massive heart attack and almost died...I stayed sober for a year after Savannah's birth.....I started chiping and basically hit my consumption.
I was living with my mom and dad who had always been there for me, and I was extremely close to my parents. I was the only one in the family who had a child out of wedlock and while my brothers and sisters never forgave me for this, my parents were always there behind me.

I was in a very abusive relationship and ended up in a battered womans transitional housing in January of 1996..I lived there until March of 1997. I started drinking alcoholically and ended up being kicked out of where I was living the battered womans housing where I had my own 2 bedroom apartment, and a very good life. I was unable to "control" it anymore and my life was falling apart. I was up to about a half a gallon of jack a day and for 4 weeks while my mom and dad took care of Savannah, I holed up in my room and drank myself to death or tried to. I didn't want to live and I didnt want to die.
I was very abusive when drunk and one night my dad and I got into a horrible fight, and they called the police on me. I went to jail for the night and 10 days later on Easter Sunday 1997, They called the police again, becuase I was out of control and they were trying to excercise tough love. CPS got involved and I had temporarily lost my rights as a mother. My parents had Savannah and right out of jail, I went to treatment for 6 months. I then went to outpatient, went to counseling, worked fulltime, and went to court for my daughter, and in January of 1998, I moved into the apartment I am now, and Savannah came to live with me, on a trial basis. In April of 1998, I was granted full custody and case was closed. I continued to go to counseling and was very active in AA...I did what was suggested, and was willing to go to any lengths for my recovery... It took many many months for me to get over the guilt of cps being involved, but under the influence of alcohol and drugs, I am not a fit parent...and basically I owe my sobriety and my life to CPS and my parents..who loved me enough to do what was very hard for them to do.. In 1999, my dad's heart was failing and by October, we had sold their home they'd been in for 35 years, and they moved to rossmoor a retirement community.

I was able to make living amends to my parents and after work I went to their home to help them in ways they needed me to.. My dad was in and out of the hospital, and in april of 2000 he had a gall bladder operation..Because of the condition of his heart, they were very leery of doing the operation but because of the pain he was in, they went in to see if it could be removed laporoscoply, well, when they looked and saw the condition of his gall bladder, gangrene, he underwent a 20 hour operation. He was on life support for 10 days and came out of that healthier than he'd been in a year. July 16, we took my daughter for her birthday pee-wee golfing, and a little over a month later who'd have thought my dad would be dead, and nine months after him my mom.

My parents anniversary is april 22, and on april 22, 2000, was my parents 50th wedding anniversary. We had a big huge party planned but because my dad was in the hospital for his gallbladder, we postponed it to August 24, 2000.

On August 21, the nurse came over to the house and didn't like the results of the kidney test she was getting so asked my mom to take my dad to the hospital.
I go to the hospital and meet my mom there, and the doctor sat my mom and I down and told us, "Mick's kidneys have FAILED, and he's not going to make it." WHAT????? My life was never going to be the same again after that.

He died on august 23, 2000 and his funeral was on ausust 25, 2000..People thought they were coming to a 50th anniversary party and were met at the airport, to go to a funeral.
My mom was never the same again, not really. After 50 years of marriage, and 55 years of being together, she went to sleep on June 5th, and on June 6th, 2001. was found dead in her sleep.

It's been very hard for me to deal with, but because of AA and people in my life, I have managed to get through teh death of my parents, and even the death of my sponsor Patt. I have an 8 year old daughter and 2 month old son. who's father is in prison becuase he relapsed. I went through the entire pregnancy alone, except for 2 months, and the birth by myself. If i am important like he says I am, he will do what he has to do to get his life in order. I let him go because I was tired of being blamed for his relapse, and had to take care of myself....not worry about him.

I am not in the position to be able to take collect calls every day, or even more than one time a month.. I am probably the worlds worst girlfriend, but I rarely write. I do send pics sometimes, and am in the sidelines waiting and looking, and seeing what he does when he gets out. I really don't want to hear what he's got to say right now, and I sure as hell don't want to hear " i love you", and im sorry, and listen to him whine about the circumstances he's in. He put himself there and he needs to pay the consequences for his actions, it's the only thing that will work...Im not his sponsor, and I do not have to be the one to continuously reassure him of my love and fidelity. I was the perfect girlfriend, and he kept accusing me of cheating on him, so I told him to go to HELL< and backed off. Way off. We still talk occasionally but im waiting to see what happens when he gets out, and if he will put into practice all he says hes gonna do when he gets out. it's up to him. My parents saved my life for practicing tough love, and i only do what I know to do. my job is to stay sober and take care of my family. prison may be really bad I understand that, but so is living out here on your own....I do what I have to do, and my recovery comes first, becasue with out it I have NOTHING>..


Sunnie

Wow, what a story! I'm proud of you for not only getting your life together, but keeping it together regardless of the obstacles in your life. You are truly an amazing woman.

Michelle

Wow Sunnie
What a story of reality. I cried through your story... only because so much of it hit home for me. I have never gone to recovery, my recovery was getting hit and almost killed by, ironically, a drunk driver on August 23rd, 1998. I don't drink anymore. I have drank a total of 3 drinks since then and that wasn't until this year at the PTO Get Together. I have my own form of sobriety now, living with a terrible pain condition that will only get worse as my young days, I will be 33 on June 24th, go by. I am so glad that you are doing so good and that you have made the choice to distance yourself from your boyfriend for the reasons you have. I wish that my husband would even admit that he has a drinking/drug problem...
But so now here we are...
Thank you for sharing your story and I will hope and pray that your boyfriend does get his act together and you and your family can be whole.
Take care!!
diane

Sunnie, thank you for sharing, I know that was hard for you. Your story has literally moved me to tears, sitting here in the middle of the night like this... but they're tears of joy, I'm so happy for you and your kids that you have your sobriety and I'm so proud of you. You are one strong lady and your words have certainly given me something I will always hold onto for strength in dealing with my own situation with my own addict/alcoholic. I know it's been a long and hard road for you, but you are a fighter, missy, and you've got SO much to be proud of yourself for. You keep taking care of YOU and those two little ones... God bless and big {{{hugs}}} for all three of you!!!

Lys

Just stand by him and believe in him sometimes that's all it takes just your belief in the person.

My boyfriend is currently in prison for his second DUI charge. He's been on probation, house arrest, halfway houses and in patient institutions. He has a problem with alcohol..he's been to AA meetings, probation classes and DUI classes and he still struggles. He knows what he has to do but he does not take that path. I am sticking by his side because I do believe that all he needs is someone to believe in him and he will be okay. Because yeah everyone deserves a second chance. I can totally relate to your situation. I hope everything turns out okay for you and skip.

One of those things that probably never would have happened or been thought of at all were my addict loved one not in prison...

Well, as y'all know, my guy's had a long history of drug and alcohol abuse, over 20 years, starting since about age 12 and he's 35 now. Before prison he was in and out of treatment on several occasions, since his incarceration he's been thru everything offered as far as treatment is concerned. Virtually just about every avenue there is for treatment and recovery has been explored, and while his recovery has been overall pretty successful - and much like I said earlier in another post, things have been lots, lots better in the past several years than they ever have been before - it hasn't been perfect.

You guys are probably going to laugh, but I think he & I have finally come across the one thing that may actually WORK, the biggest deterrent of all for using for him when nothing much else has worked... and it's something that probably never would have done so had it not been for these last thirteen years spent in prison.

See, Brian loves food, and LOVES to eat. He's one of those skinny guys who can eat twice his weight and never gain a pound, and he could pretty much eat that way and loved to eat before prison. But NOW, having been locked up for thirteen years in a place that has horrible, barely edible food on a regular basis - food that is sometimes actually labeled on the box, 'cos he's seen them, "Not fit for human consumption" - now he REALLY loves food, is practically obsessed with it. Especially things he can't have and probably won't for a while yet, like a good steak, a plate of ribs, even things as simple as a salad. He gets some OK stuff now and again in there, but nothing that would be spectacular to him... stuff that's ordinary to us out here, that's what he dreams of. (LOL!) :)

Well, anyway, one night we're sitting here talking on the phone about things and the subject comes up of how much money was spent on drugs once, on a slip-up. I just happened to have a calculator handy and was entering some numbers while he was talking, and then I interrupted him and said, "You know, Baby, that was worth about twelve steak dinners with all the fixings at the Outback or something."

He was so stunned he was speechless for a minute or two (and that's a rare occurrence with my beloved motormouth). Sure, we had discussed, on many occasions, how much money his drug habit and all the booze over all these years had cost him, how he could have bought a nice car with all the money spent on drugs as a teenager, all those kinds of things.

But this was food, REAL food, non-prison food, decent food we were talking about now. And this is a man who loves food and loves to eat, and also has not had a steak in well over thirteen years...

I repeated the steak dinner total, and then I said something like, "Or, you know, that could have paid for one or two weekends away for us in the mountains or something."

"Well, I love you, Baby, you know I do," he said carefully. "But... a STEAK..." ;)

His reaction to the whole steak dinner theory was so extreme I knew I had something, so I pushed it a little further when I wrote him later on after we talked. Calculator in hand, I repeated the total of steak dinners (and added how many steaks could have been bought at the grocery and cooked on the grill, for good measure). How many plates of ribs from one of the fine rib joints here. How many orders of nachos and burritos and chimichangas from our fave Mexican restaurant. How many trays of oysters on the half shell. A great big long list of everything he has virtually just craved for years and years now.

It sounds silly, but the fact that he can equate the cost of using with losing that many steak dinners or that many plates of ribs has actually become another good reminder, and maybe the best one we've found so far, of why he doesn't want to use again. He loves food so much and has craved so many of those things for so long now, he can't stand the thought of losing ten or twelve potential steak dinners in his future!

Something that would never have happened had it not been for these years stuck in prison without such things. It sounds too simple almost, but so far it's kinda working for us. We have an agreement now, if he starts feeling the urge, he's supposed to call me and I'm to remind him how many future steak dinners or plates of ribs or whatever else he's going to lose. So far it hasn't come to that, thank goodness, but so far this little bit of positive reinforcement seems to be giving him at least a little extra push towards staying clean!! He's doing pretty great with all the other aspects of his recovery, but this whole steak dinner thing has really kinda given him that extra push and a little more strength... and it was practically accidental, I just said that in the first place as I did as sort of an afterthought!!! :)

But man, whatever works!!! It's not a cure-all, that's for sure, but it seems to be helping a little where other things haven't. Food's not going to do it for everyone, but finding whatever that little something that they REALLY love and have had to do without for all that time in prison, it seems to work as a little extra positive reinforcement... can't hurt, anyway, I say. ;)

mark has also told me he wants a salad when he gets out... it seemed kinda weird to me, but i guess all the fresh ingredients are what theyre craving..

hell, whatever works, right? ;-)

Haha- that is sooooo cute!!! Well, I do this... when I buy something I really like, I sometimes think to myself, how many 'hits' this would have been and am so happy I spent the money on something that lasts and is good instead of something that makes me miserable.

T

Thank you for posting your story, Sunnie. You know, it isn't how much a person accomplishes in life but how much they overcome that makes them great — you have climbed mountains & continue to do so. I completely understand how you feel about opening up & making yourself vulnerable, but your wisdom, strength & hope shine like a beacon that is sure to help others along the way; I admire your courage.

As for your son's father, there really is no place for him in your life until he wants what you want. If he's blaming you for his relapse then it's obvious that he's not taking responsibility for his decisions & until he does there's no hope for recovery. I think you're doing the right thing in staying detached from his situation. Especially right now you need to take care of you & your children.

Sending you love & white light…

Adrienne

Kath!

You know I love ya girl! Thank you for sharing your story with us!

[The thought of posting my life on the internet where thousands of people could read it, makes me a little bit nervous. I also know me, and once I make myself vunerable that way, it's hard for me to look people in the eye...and I still have this habit of wanting to run....}

I was once the same way. :) I know how you feel.

You done pretty good for yourself and you should be proud of yourself, please know that i am

Kenneth ate i think every thing in sight,,,,lol now he is back on eating lots of health food stuff as well.

Welcome, Sunnie. I can tell you're on the same path to a happy destiny that I am and I enjoyed you sharing your story. I found AA about 22 years ago, but didn't acheive continuous sobriety till '85. I'm glad you kept coming back.

My sponsor died just a couple of months after my husband died of a heroin overdose. I met my husband Roy at an AA meeting and we were together almost 15 years. I never did understand why I stayed clean and sober and he didn't-----he relapsed off and on the whole time we were together.----but I'm very thankful I didn't have to drink over his death. We were soul mates, for sure, through it all. I'm glad you're doing what you have to do for you and your children and you seem to have a good attitude about dealing with his inability to "get it" at this point. Hugs for you!

Sunnie," You've got what it takes"....Bless You!

I'll have to try that one with Wayne! He's a food junkie too! :) He can also eat and eat and eat and never gain a pound and it makes me SICK! LOL

I wonder how many steaks our habits could have bought? Probably enough to feed Texas!

Sunnie - thank you for sharing your story, for baring your soul and for keeping it real.

I have lived a lot like you and believe me when I say I understand. Whatever the past held - you are a winner now and I am honored to call you friend. Thank you so very, very much.

They don't get real salads, Cember... Brian hasn't had one like you or I could get off any salad bar anywhere the whole time he's been locked up. I heard the prison gave them some half heads of lettuce back in May but that's just not the same!

Lulu, I think he's probably going to eat everything in sight indefinitely when he's out... maybe he'll even gain a pound or two! LOL!

Thanks for clocking in on this, Tanya! Your understanding of the concept gives me more hope that this extra reinforcement is working, yay!!! I think, too, that we are going to find further good with it more along the lines of your method too... because another thing Brian loves more than just about anything is music, and that's another thing he has been without all this time - CDs. (He has a radio, but having his own music when he wants it is another craving.) So I'm thinking that one CD he really wants = however many hits of whatever is going to work there too. Or the guitar that he so desperately wants when he gets out, that I've promised we will go shopping for. You got the right idea, lady! Thanks for clocking in on this & love ya! :)

Oh, it makes me sick too, Monica... I can look at a milkshake and gain 2 lbs. and Brian can probably drink 100 of them without gaining an ounce! But yep, if Wayne's a food junkie too then this will probably work for him too!!

I made a point of making the concept even more apparent and tangible to him by putting it all down in great detail on paper. Sort of like, "OK, we have X amount of money to spend on dinners out, going on trips, and whatnot when you get out". This is money that's already set aside for those purposes, so he already knows it's there, this is not like some imaginary amount. Then I showed him what it would cost him were he to give in and slip up... i.e., two hits = twelve steak dinners at the Outback, or even about 31 steaks cooked at home on the grill.

I swear it's working... he can't BEAR the thought of losing a single future steak dinner or plate of ribs or any of those things!! Bless him, I hope he never loses his voracious appetite... we can use this indefinitely!!!! :D

I am so sorry to hear of your loss Sunnie ... losing a friend is hard at best but to lose a friend and mentor after so many years being such as intregal part of your life has to be painful leaving an emptiness not soon to be filled ... by sharing your story you shown us all that you are a very strong woman, one who has learned from her life experiences ... you are to be commended for that ... personally, I feel you have made the right decision concerning your son's father ... I wish you continued success and strength in the choices you make ... I shall keep you in my prayers and pray for the repose of Jerry's soul ... God bless you and the babies ...

Sounds like a plan!!! :)
Rock on Brian! 545 days is an amazing accomplishment!
:)

Wow Lysbeth!

Thank you so much for sharing your story with us! You are a remarkably strong and awesome woman.

Aw thanks Beck. {{hug}} Gee, is that Pamela Anderson? :)

Ummmm could be right? lol

congrats on where you are...and I'm sorry for all you've gone thru....you sound resilient and strong....and your story, though hesitant, can/will help others.....

thank you for sharing!

kath

The article I posted is actually an alternative to AA....it is from a recovery program....Rational Recovery...

here is the link:
http://www.rational.org/index.html

It's not that I think there aren't some great things in AA...I just don't think it's the solution for everyone....and YES, I have been to Al-Anon.....I did not care for the group I went to....I've been told to keep trying...that eventually, I will find a group where I'm comfortable.....I'm just not sure that kind of forum works for me either. I am a spiritual person...and I have turned this all over to my higher power...God. No matter my resolutions or intentions, this will pan out the direction HE would have it. I pray for nothing more in my life than direction...the rest is out of my hands....

Rational Recovery is a DIFFERENT solution....it's not me knocking AA, it's me saying "there may be other ways out there."

It's kinda like loving someone in prison....I didn't know about it....but now that I do, it's a no-brainer...yanno?

Thanks for all the input guys....I appreciate your concerns, responses, and prayers...I KNOW in my heart, Skip is gonna be OK....I know in my heart, we are destined for a happy life together....that's not saying I'm shoving my head in the sand to his problems....that's just confidence that TOGETHER, we WILL RISE ABOVE IT!

kath

Kath…First of all I want to say if this program works for you & Skip, I'm all for it. I would never say that AA is the only way to get sober, because I don't know that it is. But it was the only thing available to me at the time & I'll forever thank God that they were there for me. I went to the Rational Recovery website & looked around & I need to say that reading the info there never would have done it for me & there's no way I could have afforded the $1,800 for the AVRT course, the $372.00 for the Package Deal, the $49.95 for the Video, or even $14.95 for the book because I didn't have a nickel to my name. And nobody asked me for one.

I would very much like to know how this works for you, however, if you & Skip try it.

Wishing you the best of luck,

Adrienne

Kath, there used to be an alternative-to-AA-type program here, not sure if it still is, but it operated much like AA with no fees/etc., and operated sort of on the less-spiritually-centered, more-rationally/logically-centered theory. I can't for the life of me remember what it was called, but my ex (who at the time was pretty flat-out atheist) looked into it when we were still together.

You're in a pretty large metro area there, check the Yellow Pages and see if there's maybe something in the area along those lines... with those prices Adrienne pulled off the RR website, I'm afraid those folks may be more into making money off others' misery than helping them...

I'll take a spin around and go hunting on the Web too and see if I can come up with some info on other AA alternatives that maybe won't cost you an arm and a leg...

Thanks guys...I really appreciate the input/suggestions/advice etc....I KNOW we have a long road ahead, and I'm sure we'll figure it out....in the words of 12-steps...."one day at a time"......like I said....I don't fault AA as a whole....Skip has issues with some of it too. I would like to find something that he doesn't have any predestianations on......if it works, money is not an object....I want him to see he can enjoy life sober too! I know it doesn't matter what we find....he HAS TO WANT THIS....he is the only one who can get himself there, but he has lotsa love and support....

Let me know if you find it or remember it Lysbeth....

kath

Thank you all for the wonderful feedback...and the thought that maybe my life would be what it is because I chose to finally get and stay sober for a period of time, was something absolutely unheard of as far as I was concerned. I have a good life and two beautiful kids who have a whole mom one of which has never seen me drunk and a daughter who doesn't remember when mommy was "bad". That in itself ofen is what keeps me from picking up when the going gets rough which im here to say it does!! If pure will power alone kept a person sober or out of prison there would be no inpatient programs or recovery programs AA/NA/CA/ACA/ALA-NON ETC, and addicts wouldn't be populating prisons because of DUI's., drug/alcohol related offenses and more and more people would not be doing so many parole violations from testing dirty on UA's and such.

It's difficult to change..first what gets a person to prison to begin with needs to be ulliminated. Getting clean or sober is not the hard part..a person might have this happen and decide that this is IT, and go to a program, find out they have an addiction, go to meetings while inpatient, but the true test happens when they go home and don't have the 24 hour support and security of a program environment. It's not easy to get into a routine of going to meetings outside the program and find a support group of peers trying to acheive the same goals. But it's the one thing that is crucial to find and get a routine in. I am NOT a pro at what to do, because frankly what might work for me may not work for you, or your loved one. Ive chared thousands of meetings, and I have done speaker meetings speaking in front of a hundred or more persons, and the most joy I ever got in all the years I have gone to meetings was once when I was invited to go with a friend who was meeting her boyfriend who was in an all mens recovery program. The meeting started and when it came time to announce the speaker, i heard my name and I thought SHIT...because it was a room full of 100 men who had just been paroled out of prison...These tough cons with tats all the way down both arms, on the neck, gang affiliations up the ying yang and here I sat in front of people who would never be able to relate to me, becuase I had not been down that road. You could hear a pin drop and I caught a mans eyes and hung on. by the time I was done, these tough guys had tears rolling down their faces and when it came time to open up the meeting for anyone to talk, it was the most real meeting I had ever been to. 90 out of those hundred men, left that program and never found a suport system out of meetings, a lotof them are back in prison and a lot of them will die drunk or loaded.

so if you want to help your loved ones with their recovery, find a recovery program of your own, ( Ala-non Nar_anon) and start going. Enourage your loved ones to find NA or AA and attend regularly when they get out of prison. The support they find in prison NA and AA is not enough, it's got to be carried outside or it's not going to work. a hundred percent lifestyle change is necessary not only to break away from the prison system but the prison, inside the prison drugs and alcohol have them locked in as well. That's how you can best support your loved ones..

thanks again for such support and I am waiting to hear all your alls stories OK?>

Sunnie

Thanks to AA I haven't had a drink or drug in almost 2 years, and prior to that I don't think I went a day in my life without drinking in the past 15 years or so. How did working the steps work, going to meetings, meditating, talking to others in recovery? I can't tell you that because I'm still learning everyday, but I can tell you that when my life got so miserable that I just couldn't take it anymore I gave AA a shot and over the course of that first year I began to live life more fully than I had ever before. I didn't know how to life sober, how to enjoy life sober, I didn't know what it meant to feel peaceful, I learned all of this in AA so it worked for me. In my opinion if you want to learn more about AA you should read the AA Big Book; but actually you are not the one with the alcohol problem so in my opinion you should be reading Al-anon literature because you need to realize you didn't cause his alcohol problem, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. No matter what you read on the internet you won't find a solution for him, he has to find that himself. But you can find a solution for yourself to learn to accept him and be able to deal with this. I myself am also a member of Al-anon because I sometimes try to shove AA/NA down my husband's throat, I know it worked for me so I know it will work for him... I started going to al-anon to help me see that I cannot change him. I had to go to a few meetings before I found one that I liked. If you don't want to do that at least read the al-anon book, or like I said read the AA big book if you want a better understanding.

One more thing, in my AA group there are people of many different faiths, there are 2 atheists in our group, one of them has 18 years of sobriety. She does not say the lord's prayer but it doesn't bother her that we do because we are all open to everyone's belief in there. Another man I know in AA is not a Christian, I'm not sure what the exact name of his religion is but he's said that he believes in thousands of gods in nature, something like that, anyway he has 6 years of sobriety. The lord's prayer never seemed to offend him either. We don't meet to discuss religion, we all have our own religions and some of us have no religion, we do focus on a God of our own understanding, for some people that is simply the collective power of the group. If you read the book you may get a better understanding of this. Or you could go to an open AA meeting yourself if you want to see what it's all about. Friends & family members are welcome in all open meetings.

i started using almost 25 years ago i have 3 years clean.and it was the hardest thing to do ..still is i had to move away from everyone and start all over.and that was scarry mostly lonely..i miss my friends more then the dope.with me my self esteem suffered. and it's still low but its getting better. recovering from addiction is very lonely and i belive that loneless is what takes people back out. i still have good days and like now bad ones and for some people n-a isent the answer i couldent open up like they did..ive been to prision and rehabs after rehabs none of it worked ...im blessed to have the life i have now...

Thank you for this.....I think it's a valid point in the fight against addiction....I commend you on your courage to make those changes necessary to heal....

I have a very dear friend of mine that lives in Hesperia....
welcome to PTO!!!

kath

Hi Kim, thank you for sharing some of yourself with us. I am so glad you have found us, we can be your new friends and maybe you won't have the loneliness to suffer. Love Barb

hi kim,

Thanks for your honesty. and congrats on your 3 years clean!!!! They call addiction the lonely disease for numerous reasons. First because it seems we have to give up all our old friends and change the way we do things. It takes time to establish a support system of new friends, but it seems you have the right idea about getting rid of the triggers that may take us back out. Like BSS said, we are now your new friends and I look forward to getting to know you. Have you thought of going to NA or AA? you might meet some new friends there as well.

Sunnie

I started using drugs back in the 1970's and didn't get clean until 3 years ago myself. So we have something in common here. I sure can relate to your story. The road to getting clean is one of the loneliest ones I've ever been down and even today I really don't have that many friends. But now I have these forums and I sure do welcome you to PTO.

I enjoyed reading everyone's shares. One thing I have to say about the article - the man evidently had not done his homework, he was writing things about AA that are false. The Big book of Alcoholics Anonymous specifically states that they are not the only way to sobriety for all people, and that we should respect and learn from all different religions, programs, etc. AA is NOT a religion, it deals with the spiritual, which anyone can embrace - christian, hindu, jewish, atheist, etc. It talks about a Higher Power of your own understanding, which can merely be the group - there are a group of people who have been able to do something I have not been able to do. A common statement at 12-step meetings is "take what you like and leave the rest." I have no problem whatsoever with someone finding a different way accomplish sobriety, and wish God's greatest blessings on them. But there is one big difference between AA and this man - AA doesn't bash or badmouth anyone else, and this man certainly did that about AA. I have to wonder about a program he advocates that is apparently very expensive.... Well, I look back at this post and I sound very defensive and angry. I truly am not, but I have been in different 12-step programs for over 16 years - including 3 years of Al-Anon, and have not found it to be as he described in such vitriolic language, in fact, I would credit my membership in them to a greatly enhanced enjoyment of life, maybe even my sanity!. I CELEBRATE recovery in whatever way it is found, but please, let's not bash the people who don't do it our way. Okay, enough said. sorry to get on my soap box. Glad to hear of so many of you who have benefited as I have from our mutual friends, Bill and Bob.

Melanie

Like some of the others, I have not had a drink for twelve months, and like skip I used to binge drink, not drink all the time. I only came to my senses after years of ruining relationships, ending up in hospital (alcoholic poisoning and pancreatitis) and spending the night in cells. I joined AA and got some help there but I couldn't follow the steps as they teach it. In the end the only person that could help me was me. I wondered how many times I could wake up in the gutter my self respect in tatters. It hasn't been easy and when you get low the temptation is always there, but thankfully I have remained strong. I hope Skip can reach the point where he can admit he has a problem.......that is the start of recovery.

Anne

Like some of the others, I have not had a drink for twelve months, and like skip I used to binge drink, not drink all the time. I only came to my senses after years of ruining relationships, ending up in hospital (alcoholic poisoning and pancreatitis) and spending the night in cells. I joined AA and got some help there but I couldn't follow the steps as they teach it. In the end the only person that could help me was me. I wondered how many times I could wake up in the gutter my self respect in tatters. It hasn't been easy and when you get low the temptation is always there, but thankfully I have remained strong. I hope Skip can reach the point where he can admit he has a problem.......that is the start of recovery.

Anne

Melanie,

I don't think the guy is bashing AA cuz it's not his way....it was simply my attempt to say there ARE other ways....

I know AA has helped thousands....and I'm so proud of everyone who posted on this topic. I think Anne makes a valid point....Unless someone wants help and admits there is a problem, ALL PROGRAMS are useless.

Skip promised me to start attending AA in his unit, yet he's missed the last 2 meetings.....not sure what ot do with that, but I know he, from his past, has a real aversion to AA. The article and link I posted were things I found in my attempt to get him help anyway I could find it...AA or NO AA.

Kathy, I hoped after my post that you didn't feel ANY criticism at all of you, I surely didn't mean it that way. and I agree that AA is not the way for everyone, and I DEFINITELY agree that it is not for everyone who needs it, it's only for those who want it. It CAN be a method of recovery for people who are desperate. I have a friend who started in AA and then felt the meetings were too depressing and quit the meetings but has stayed sober for 7 or 8 years or so. I rejoice with him! I truly hope everything goes well with Skip. I hope the same thing about my husband, Jack. He has been a binge drinker like some of the shares I saw. He SAYS he has realized he can't do it and needs help and volunteered to go AA (2-3 month waiting list, and apparently now no more in his unit) and several alcohol treatment programs, which he is on a waiting list for (which I've heard they're also cancelling because of money). We won't know anything really till he gets out. I'm willing to believe in him and hang in there with him. I am going to Al-Anon to try to get myself strong enough that when he gets out I won't accept unacceptable behavior. As much as I ADORE him, I can't allow him to take me down with him and if he continues, that is the only place for him to go - if he has a next time, I"m sure it will be the 25 year thing and he's 49 years old. It's time to do something different. But I cannot do anything but love him and encourage him and turn him over to God, and take care of myself, in the meantime.
As I said, I wish the best for all of us in ALL the different ways we try to recover in this painful world.
God bless us all.

Melanie

One more thing I think that helped AA work for me, is that I was so desperate. Prior to walking into AA I wanted a quick fix, some magic pill that would make the desire to drink go away. I liked an instant buzz and I wanted an instant cure. But I didn't find any of those magic pills to make it go away and so life got progressivley worse for me until finally one day I just said, "I can't take this anymore, I don't care what I have to do, I'll do it, I just want this obsession to go away!" And so I walked into AA and I had to work for it, it wasn't like someone just removed the obsession from me, it took a lot of work, but for me it was worth it. At the end of every meeting in my group we say, "keep coming back cause it works if you work it." Only if you work it, and it is work so a person has to want it bad enough to work for it, and the only way I got to the point where I wanted it bad enough was when my life got so bad I couldn't take it anymore. Everyone is different and AA is not the only way, I know a couple of people who were able to quit drinking just on their own. I was not one of them, and believe me I tried. AA also pounded into my brain the first drink concept, if I don't pick up today, I wont' get drunk, and if I do pick up today, then chances are I will also pick up tomorro, it's all or nothing. I could go on and on about things I have learned from listening to other people share and what has worked for them. Just like with this forum, I can take to heart the advice I hear in this forum much better than from someone who doesn't have a loved one in prison, because you guys understand, and when I'm having a bad day, lonely, angry, depressed, over this situation with my husband, I can listen to the experience, strenght and hope of people who have been through the same thing, and it helps me. AA works on a very similar principal.

All I have is my expirience, and it is extensive when we speak of alcohol and drugs. I quit on my own for 3 years prior to getting into REAL recovery with the help of a 12 step program. The big difference between alcoholics and non alcoholics is that when alocoholics quit drinking, they go crazy. Untill you apply some sort of recovery tools to your life. Its white knuckling and it sucked for me. But hey, any o'l shitty sobriety is better than no sobriety and I am glad got those 3 years before getting a program. It raised the bar on how much emotional pain I can endure. But it still would have been better if I had gotten straight into the solution. Good luck to you and congrats.........

Yes, congratulations on the three years! I'm glad you're here with us and I hope you'll share often with us.

thanks for all your support. I'm really having a hard time it just wont pass like before. i dont know what to do. i'm getting weaker by the minute

I wish I could say something that would make it all easier for you, whichru. I will remind you that using won't solve anything & is bound to make things worse in the long run.

Most of the people I've known that ended up in a 12-step program tried to do it on their own for a while before they decided that it would be better to get help, so maybe you'll reconsider your decision that NA isn't for you one day. I don't know how long you tried it, but it usually takes a while for most people to open up & it isn't necessary to put it all out to the group anyway — that's what sponsors are for. Remember, they are the same kind of people you were friends with before, only now they're clean. You don't have to do it alone & you don't have to be lonely. There's help; there's people who care; all you have to do is ask.

I ask that you receive the strenth & guidance that you need right now.

You are not alone.

Adrienne

Three years! That is awsome! Don't stop now. Please. You are giving me so much hope for my son to be able to stay sober. Everytime I hear of an addict getting sober and staying that way, it gives me hope for him. You are helping others and probably don't even realize it.

Congrats on the three years! And as Kim said--don't stop now--it sounds like you're doing well! Love and Respects--Helen
BTW--Welcome to the group! :)

maybe i'll try a program again i used to sit in a court room and that would take care it.i'll go to a meeting after work and see what happens. people get weird when you say your drug of choice mine is the worst so i'll keep an open mind and go.thanks all

1. you would be better off going to an AA meeting, in my opinion. Dont make a big deal out of just changing the word, addict, to alcoholic. I really dont want to run N/A down. I have just seen far more success in AA . Can you imagine people who get so hung up on the term "addict" rather than just saying alcoholic, that they would let it take them back to prison or worse? also, I have never met and addict who could drink very well anyway!:rolleyes:
2. 90 meeting's in 90 days!

3. Look for the similarities and not the differences!
its so easy to sit there and say, oh not me, nope I didnt do
that.

And rememeber, when you stay in the solution, the best is yet to come!

I've seen miracles take place in both AA & NA. Some groups have more sobriety than others; just go where you think you'll find the best fit. You don't have to talk about specifics; they don't matter…in the beginning it's more important that you listen anyway. Look for someone that has what you want & ask that person if they will sponsor you. If they have too many they're sponsoring already, ask them to recommend someone; the sooner you find a star to hitch your wagon to, the better!

I'm holding a good throught for you, whichru, & sending you white light (for healing).

Adrienne

I say addict for my son because he will use alchohol or drugs of any kind, just whatever is handy...so I guess I should say drug addict alchoholic. He is not particular in his drug of choice. Sad but true.
PS Whichru, please don't give up. Try anything and everything. Just stay busy and help those that are struggling. You have so much to give with all your experiences. I know you can do it!

I have been thinking about you and I thought I would ask you what you think could be said to someone who is determined to get high. My son always says that he just needed help and someone to stop him. What could I have said or done? Just so I know if it ever happens again. After three years you surely have some answers, huh? I want to know next time I am watching my son standing in front of the train....what do I do to stop him? Help! I always know when he is going down and feel so helpless.

nothing you say will stop him the only thing that will is himself. he has to want it. for me i went to a dozen rehabs and none worked i stayed as long as 18 mon.one time. it's so hard. i had to move and start all over again. what made me feel better in the beg. was when i started working.it helped me feel better about myself it's a demon i live with every day it sits on my shoulder waiting for a day i'm the weakest then it attacks.they say to stay out of old play grounds.learn what makes you tick no what yor triggers are be aware of them my biggest one is my husband who is doing life. and my parents. pray alot

I was also a toxic waste dump. I did whatever, but usually it was alcohol that gave me the *uck it attitude that gave me the green light o do drugs. And there is somewhat of a difference between addicts and alcoholics.
It is a medical fact that if you give someone and injection of heroin every day for 90 days they will become at least physically dependent on it. If you give a non-alcoholic a drink every day for 90 days they will not become physically dependent on it. Remember alcohol and drug abuse is a symptomof a greater problem. It is the tip of the ice berg.
The great thing is that the 12 steps give precise way to overcome those problems and put you on the path of a life that is beyond your wildest imagination. I am real enthusiastic right now as I just got off the phone with a newcomer who is seeing things get better.
I once heard a speaker who was speaking at a hospital.
He said, " Right down stairs below us is a whole floor of people dying of AIDS. If you were to go down there and tell them that if they worked the 12 steps not only would they live, they would become happy, joyous and free. They would leap from there bed and rush to do them.
But the #1 charachteristic of ALL alocoholics and addictis is-

(drum roll) DEFIANCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So we try some thing maybe once, twice, 3 maybe 4 times and go, "Oh that doesnt work". Just because its not working the way we think it should........Hang in there!!!!!!!!!
It gets so good!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I love it it. And if you knew what I was like when I drank you would be shocked to think I was capable of being happy..........I was not a nice person...
I thought I was, I thought I was thoughtful and considerate.
Man, I was sick..............

That was very good Warhead, do you work out of the LB house or the meeting place in SJC I work over that way maybe we should meet sometime for lunch. Love Barbara

herion was my thing.I did try meetings alot of them.but I'll keep going.today is much better i'll even go to work in the morning.when i'm like that i'm scared to leave my house untill it passes. the meetimg i went to sucked all the guys just want in your pants and i'm not looking for that. i'll try a different meeting.thanks

As far as guys wanting in your pants go's, this is earth, I suspect there is more than one swarthy heroin dealer out there who would wanna get in a women's pants. The point being, going back to using, changes what? Everyone has the right to be wrong, so if some joker makes a move, think about the wrong moves you have made before in life, and just tell the guy, " sorry, my life is depending on this".
Focus on the good, anyone can see the bad.......

Hang in there Kim! I know about the white knuckling you have endured with it and I can hear your pain of loneliness too. For me the program relieves the loneliness and the pain I am in at the moment. And for me it takes working with someone on a one on one that saves my butt and helps me to maintain my sobriety. And I just celebrated 9 yrs and I could only have done it with working with my sponsor and the fellowship of others that suffer like I do because noone else could relate other than those people in the rooms. If you need to talk don't hesitate to pm me okay. Hang in there and stay strong and just remember if nothing changes nothing changes and for me everything had to change from the friends I had to where I kept my toothbrush and I was willing to change because I sure didn't want what I had been living all of the years prior. Sending you lots of hugs and prayers!

cherrie from tx

So much wisdom here! I feel like I've been to a meeting just reading these posts! I'm soooo pleased that there's this much sobriety on PTO!

Kim, it sounds to me that you really want to stay clean — you're doing the right things by talking about it & going to meetings. Warhead is right, there are some sicker than others — just blow them off & look for the ones that truly have what you want. They are there & you will find your right place if you persist.

We are pulling for you. We know it works if you work it — we're living proof.

:D Cherrie — I had to change where I kept my toothbrush too — and where I laid my head, as well. It was hard, but ya gotta do what ya gotta do to save your life & sanity.

Sending white light to all of you…

Adrienne

A day at a time, a minute at a time... Whatever it takes. I cannot imagine going back to using, but it's been many years. I have a totally different lifestyle and I love it. The first few years were rougher, but I made many friends in the program and got closer to them than I had ever been to my old friends.... Today I have friends in and out of the program and am comfortable with me..... Remember.."This too shall pass..."

Deb

I found what I looked for in meetings and if I had a negative attitude that day, I mostly saw the negative things so my disease could tell me that I shouldn't be there and that it wasn't worth it. My addiction told me whatever it took to keep me addicted. I stuck with the winners and not the weiners, though, and I've made it so far. I believe it's true that if you haven't had enough----if you haven't been so beaten to your knees that you're willing to do ANYTHING to end the misery, then it's a lot harder to get the "want to" to stick with it and stay clean and sober. When you go to meetings, everyone there has their own set of problems and hangups. Nobody is there because they were able to live a non-addicted, socially acceptable, emotionally and spiritually healthy life, and addiction carries with it a whole lot of issues beyond the use of drugs so you're going to find a lot of people who are trying to seek a lot of things, not necessarily just a clean and sober state. Brush them off and look for people who have made it and who are seeking to share with you, not take from you.

I've heard it said that insanity is doing the same things over and over again, but expecting different results. That's the insanity of addiction. I just kept doing it and doing it and doing it and expecting that THIS time, I was going to be successful at truly maintaining and truly making it work so I wouldn't have to pay consequences and wouldn't have to give it up. One of the statements I've heard that rings most true for me is that "If you think what you always thought, you're gonna get what you always got." If I hang onto the old thinking that kept me addicted, then I'm going to stay addicted and die. If I'm willing to change my thinking, then I can live a happy, free life beyond my wildest dreams. But for me, I couldn't change that thinking and I needed the help of other addict alcoholics that I found in meetings and in the books. Plus, for me, the bottom line was that if I just didn't pick up NO MATTER WHAT, the urge did pass and I could go on to better times. I do have a choice whether or not to tough it out and not use or drink or whether to just give up and hop on that elevator to hell again.

In August of 2000, I lost my husband to a heroin OD. It's a tough drug to beat. But if you truly want to enough to go to any lengths to kick it while you're young enough, you CAN succeed and you won't have to die like he did. He was in his 50's and he hated what he was doing. In his wallet he carried business cards from treatment centers that he gave out to kids. He'd been to tons of treatment and I met him in a meeting. I've heard it said that there comes a time in addiction where you can want to quit with all your heart and soul but it's too late, and he's (I almost said living proof) dead proof that that really can happen. He was a fantastic person, as I'm sure you are, too, and I'll be praying for you that you can want NOT to enough to stick with meetings, find a sponsor, and stay clean.

I didn't like going to meetings and I can honestly say I didn't WANT to stop drinking and using----I just didn't want to live like that anymore. If stopping my addiction was what it took to live a different life, then I was willing to try that. If I had to sit in meetings and listen to boring stories and put up with guys hitting on me and not seeing my old cohorts, then I was willing to give that a try. If I had to consider there might be a Higher Power and that I wasn't God, then I was willing to consider that. I had to become willing to open my mind a crack and learn something different than I had always thought. I did that one day at a time. It's tough, but it's been working for me since 5/5/85. I'm very grateful that I put my mind to it and hung in there long enough to where my compulsion to drink and use finally left and now I don't have to fight that anymore.

Hugs for you. If I can ever help, feel free to PM me anytime.

My son OD'd on heroin 5 times in the two months before he was finally arrested. His girlfriend gave me all the details of the last OD in a sleezy motel. The blue lips, vomiting, choking. I had nightmares of the image of him. God gave him life and he would throw that miraculous thing right away without much thought....I asked him when I went to visit him in jail if he thought about prison when he was walking to get the heroin and he said no. That it doesn't even come to mind at that moment. I pray for us all. That we learn to love and get high on each other and love the fact that we have a life to live. I wanted my son to go to prison because I thought he would be dead in a matter of days with the way he was using towards the end. I don't want him in there now but I am scared for him to get out because well, you know what the because is. He is so awsome of a person. I think that alot of druggies are some of nicest people because they do not judge because they have been judged so much. The real question is do you want to be dead? Because that is what will eventually be for you. God help us all and if it is possible, I send you strength and may the force be with you, whichru.

that was very nice and i'm alot better now it passes.when i have alot on my mind i want to run away its what i know and its hard to stop. but i did learn something new last night in a meeting they said it's 5% drugs and 95% behavior WOW

Whichru,

It takes a lot of time to find a meeting that you are comfortable with..if the first, second third, forth etc meeting is not for you, find a schedule and try a different one every night if you can. Meetings have saved my life..and there have been times I have not wanted to go, or I don't feel I have fit in, but I kept going back, even when i didn't want to and eventually I started to feel comfortable. Now i can go to any meeting and feel like I fit in. I live in California as well. I live in the bay area, and if you are relatively close, maybe we can go to a meeting together sometime..

Keep on trudging the road to happy destiny.

Sunnie

Whichru,Just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you and wishing you love and strength and sending all positive thoughts and prayers.

I am thinking of you as well, whichru, sending possitive thoughts your way. I'm glad you're going to meetings; glad you're listening.

Adrienne

I found a sponser! he's nice i go into th hospital in the morning so i wont be home for a week or so. have to have a kidney removed. i have lupus s.l.e. wish me luck

Good luck, whichru! Hope everything goes well and hope you have a fast and good recovery... be sure and check in with us as soon as you get a chance and let us know how you're doing!!!!

So glad you found a sponsor, whichru, & sorry to hear about the surgery. Hope you have a speedy recovery.

Positive thoughts & white light to you.

Adrienne

my mom is out of surgery and in icu i cant go see her for awhile threr was complacatins but she wont use drugs anymore ill make sure of that can some one help me find my dad s paige my mom said i could go there and read it and ask some questions

Maygan, Please tell your Mom I said hello and I wish her a speedy recovery.

Did you say you found a sponser and "HE" is nice?
I thought you were a woman? If so, get a women sponser.
The reason I say that so pointedly is that if your gonna stay sober, just do it right from the beginning. Dont waste your time working a self tailored program. The reason we do things a certain way is that time and expirience show us what works the best.
And women working with women and men with men is the the first rule. This is a killer disease and we need to treat it like it is, no messing around.

Warhead is right. There is a reason they say men with men and women with women, I wasn't going to say anything because I'm just glad you found a sponsor, but warhead is right, this is a deadly disease and I wound't take any chances by changing up the program. You can still have this man as a friend in recovery who you can talk to, but I'd find a woman sponsor in addition to that if I were you. I have seen a couple people get clean who had an opposite sex sponsor, so I'm not saying it won't work, but when it came to my very life, my sanity, my shot at happiness, I didn't want to risk trying it my own way, I stuck with the suggestions of the winners. If he's the only winner in your group I'd find another group. I don't think I would have been able to open up so honestly with a male sponsor. Just my opinion, but what ever you decide I'm very happy you are going to meetings & beginning the work. Good Luck!

You've posted that you were concerned that men's intentions were to get into your pants but you've chosen a male sponsor. That seems a little bit of a contradiction to me. But I've known women who have successfully had male sponsors. The only thing is, it's such a long-standing tradition in the program that we have same sex sponsors that, in my experience, a man who will agree to sponsor a woman is looked at with question by the winners in the program who have been around a long time. The women I've known who have successfully had male sponsors are some of the old-timer women who came into the program many years ago when there weren't that many women in recovery so they had not much other choice but to choose a man. My personal advice for whichru is to find a woman sponsor as soon as you can. Just like you can't run anything past someone who is another alcoholic/addict, there's a lot less chance you can run something past a female sponsor than past a male sponsor when you're female. Most women entering recovery have problems relating to other women, and getting a woman sponsor wasn't my idea of a "fun" recovery. LOL But I did it anyway and I owe my life to having done it.

I feel the need to say something also, that has been on my mind a lot off and on in my own recovery. In the programs, you hear "if you do this, you'll get drunk" or "if you don't do it this way, you'll get drunk." I think this is harmful. Our 12 step programs are programs of suggestion. The old timers used to say "take what you can use and leave the rest" because that's how it works the best. Nobody should put the idea into another recovering person's mind that they "WILL" or "have to" get drunk for any reason at all, whether for doing or not doing anything. It's YOUR program and if it works for you, then it works. If it doesn't work, you're going to use or drink again and then you'll know that, for you, that didn't work. Nobody can tell you how to work your own program. But if you really want recovery, you'll surely listen to and follow suggestions! It's also been my experience that, if you don't want it, nothing is going to work, but if your disease has beaten you down to the point where you're willing to do anything it takes, then just about anything you do will work because you want it so bad that you just won't pick up no matter what and will seek out answers when you hit the wall.

Let me tell you about my first sponsor.

She was BLONDE. Ewwww! And she had BOOBS! Dang---I never have! And she had these big blue eyes I always wanted. And she didn't have the weakness for men and relationships I always had----SHE seemed to be able to have a successful ONE that she kept through her drinking days. When people ask me if I'm maried, I tell them I'm trying to quit, and I didn't even marry a fraction of the ones I was with. Her house was CLEAN and probably when she drank, she never let it get dirty like the mess I lived in. SHE dressed conservatively like a prude, and I surely was NOT a prude! (In fact, I was a slut and looked like one) This woman was everything I didn't like and wouldn't have chosen to socialize with in a million years nor would she probably have chosen me. BUT----she did agree to be my sponsor when I asked her. Many didn't. So here I was, stuck with this blonde, booby, goody two shoes sponsor, but at least I had one. And you know? That woman loved me! Smelly, slutty, screwed up, arrogant, misguided ME, until I learned to love myself. She never once ever looked down on me or did anything that wasn't loving toward me. She never gave me ultimatums, she never told me I HAD to do anything----she just shared her experience, strength and hope with me and genuinely cared about me till I could stand on my own. Was she a saint? Heck no! She did it to stay sober herself, but I owe her so much and I'm so thankful she was there when I needed a sponsor.

Kath,

I just wanted to send you support in loving Skip through his quest of searching for recovery, I know for me my loved ones have told me it was hard to love me and leave me alone at the same time. But they allowed me to hit my bottom and basically let me make my choice of sobriety or die. I thank my higher power every day for their tough love back then because if they have enabled me in any way I probally would of continued to drink and use. And one of the main reason in the beginning I got sober and clean was to prove to them that I wasn't a addict or alcoholic so I thought by going to meetings it was going to get them off my back for a while. I tried to justify and I would fight them tooth and nail with everything in me then about 5 yrs ago it really sunk in I had a real desire to stay with my sobriety and clean time I began to really work the steps, I started working with others I started doing things completely different and today I know that is was pain that motivated me to do something really different if I wanted what I saw others I had then I had to go to whatever length to get it and keep it. And today I feel I earn my chair on a daily basis because I am truly a alcoholic and addict and I can say with my head high and not low today. My point to you Kath I know it is must be hard to love Skip through his quest but as Danielle had mentioned ala-non is wonderful for others that aren't affected by our disease. Stay strong, look to God and let him do for Skip what you can't. If you ever need to talk you have my number so don't hesitate okay!!!!

Big hug and sending you lots of prayers!!!
cherrie from tx

Sunnie, you and I share some of the same things. You see my father was diagnosed with bladder cancer Mother's Day of 94 and I knew I didn't want to loose him drinking so I went into the rooms of AA after being 12 stepped on the internet of all places but I went to a face to face meeting and when I walked in I saw a man that had evicted my husband and I three months prior I saw a lady's sister that I knew her but she didn't know me that had fired me 6 months prior and I thought oh s*** what am I gonna say and do. I wanted to run to be honest and when they gave out desire chips this person that invited me to attend it raised my hand and said you have one right here I wanted to kick his a** to be honest and I had no clue what he had just raised my hand for what I have sense learn it was a committment to try to stay sober for the day and it was something that would help me if I allowed it too. Well, I began going to meetings to just get out of the thoughts of loosing my dad and to hopefully learn some coping skills in it because I lost my mother when I was 22 yrs old and here I was about to loose a man that I didn't meet till I was 27 yrs old I was angry, hurt and could not understand why God would want to take away my confident, my best drinking buddy and the best friend I ever had well he took him 22 days after I walked into the rooms and if anything would of caused me to drink and use that would of been it I assure you. I didn't have the dwi's the courts didn't send me so I couldn't see the similarities for along time and then one day all of the sudden I took the cotten out of the ears and put it in my mouth man that is when I began to realize and feel that I had some of same things happened to me. And I have 9 yrs and if it weren't for the rooms of aa and na I know I would be dead and the best part about all of this is my father died with my desire chip in his hand and I know today that I couldn't have gone throught what I have had I not had the programs and the fellowship and my higher power who I onced had a 911 relationship with and today I have a life that I love. So there is my story!!!!

Love and Light in Recovery!!!
cherrie from tx

Over 600 posts now, and this is, by far & away, still my favorite thread....

You guys have all been really helpful with your insight on the "addiction" issues, and I've read all you have written and taken the bits & pieces I think I need to help me move forward. I love Skip, and right now, I'm praying for his recovery AND my strength to "tough love" him when he comes home. I worry....GOD knows I worry that he's had enough, and will change the way he gets through his life...I want to know this is his bottom, yet in the back of my mind, I keep wondering if it really is....

There are so many variables NO ON KNOWS, and I'm hoping at least SOME of those variables will be incentive to help him pull this off and enjoy the rest of his life in peace. I KNOW I can't do it for him.....and I know I'm powerless to try....BUT, I also know, I love him and he means the world to me....for that, and THAT ALONE, I have to see it through, even if it winds up hurting us both. I am thinking positive, and hoping for the best for US! He has never had a force in his life comparable to me, and while I know I can't do it for him, maybe the support will help him get to where he needs to be...

Thanks guys for all the input....it's been very, very helpful, and as luck MIGHT have it, we will see how it goes very soon....he's under review now, and we should know something in the next 4-6 weeks.....You guys say a prayer for us and his early release so he can come home and get the help he needs....

kath

Prayers being sent your and skips way. I am so proud of you Kath, your strength, attitude and your love I hear and I know how hard like I said it is and can be but continue with what your doing in trusting God, and giving suggestions to Skip and you might be the only person that can reach him with them so don't give up or give in before the miracle. Big hug to you both.

cherrie from tx

Wow
You ladies have truly inspired me. I copied what you wrote Sunnie, about the desire once "out of prison", to keep working the program every single day.
I truly believe that those prgrams work once you allow it to happen. Let go and let God.
keep strong for those babies of yours, Sunnie and take care of YOU first and foremost. The rest will work out the way it is meant to happen.
Once again...WOW :)

Thank you for sharing Sunnie. I am going to add you to my list of heros. It is a VERY short list. Shiningdrum

wow, even though i am a month late with posting this. i just wanted to say THANKS!!! i know what it is like to go through treatment, and i know what it is like to hit rock bottom, i know what it is like to have a parent die...in my case, i went into treatment at the age of 19..my 'sobriety' date is june 11,2000. it brought tears to my eyes, because, i know what it feels like to have a parent (or both) go the 'tough love' thing. my mom did that for me, and she literally saved my life & to that i am SO greatful & thankful.

my DOC (drug of choice) was meth. i had 3 yrs june 11th. (still need 2 pick up my chip. oh ill do that this friday!!! :)

it was an incredibly INCREDIBLY tough road for me when i first started out. i mean i had been drinking since the age of 15, smoking weed since 15, and started meth when i was 18. (although i didnt smoke weed or drink much b4 i went into treatment).

in my case, my dad died of an OD (pain pills), alone in a hotel room, in dec. 1999. he was found by a maid...i NEVER EVER want that to happen for myself. i want to accomplish more then he did, i want to make a NAME for myself in the community. i want SO much stuff, but, i cannot get there if i continued down the road i WAS on.

i am SO thankful & greatful for everything i have. my life, my FREEDOM, my sanity (4 now lol).

w/me being (somewhat--i dont go to meetings anymore) in the program for 3 yrs, i have heard lots of speakers, seen lots of people relapse, and seen MANY people die from going out.

ANYWAYS, blah blah blah. i am SO glad that you are doing good, and i DEFFINATELY know what it feels like for a 'rent to do tough love. i hated it when it was happeneing. i HATED my mother for it, but now, i dont hate her, i LOVE her MORE because she was willing to take time to help ME, and just be there for me.

but thanks for the GREAT posting *hugs*

Wow Sunnie, I had no idea of what you are going through. I think you have to really have strong faith to get where you are today. I too think that you need to put yourself and your children before any man, locked up or otherwise. God Bless you sweet lady!

This one is easy. When Adam is out he has already ordered fry bread, caribou stew and Saskatoon Berry pie. I can't argue with that. The burgers and slop they serve are killing him. Last conjugal I made him bannock and some whitefish soup and elkberry (grows in the north country up here in Canada)pie with baked potato. He never stopped smiling and I think he had 4 helpings. I can't wait to have him home baking beside me. We both love to cook traditional foods. That day is still a ways off but all this food talk sure has me dreaming about his return home to the children and I! Shiningdrum

and i'm an alcoholic. i've been in aa for 8 1/2 years, continuously sober for 6 1/2 years. my man is a recovering herion addict, he's been in prison for the past 24 years, and has found recovery there. i think it's great that there is a folder specially for alcohol and drug related issues. from time to time i wonder if my man can maintain his recovery when he gets out. but i know there are no guarantees with this disease...i could get drunk as easily as he can. just thought i'd introduce myself and say hello. one day at a time...

Welcome! Congratulations to you and your man both on your recovery.

We've all got just one day to work with, so it will all depend on how he chooses to spend his days when he's out. Is he getting out any time soon? I wish you both the best. If he gets to some meetings and gets involved in the program out here, that will solidify his chances, as you know.

I just want to welcome you to PTO and the forum. Congrats to the both of you on your recovery. I do believe he can stay sober and clean if he willing to go to any lenghts and has built a strong network out here on the outside for support. Like Toi said we only have one day at a time. Keep us posted and keep coming back okay.

cherrie from tx

Welcome to PTO! The more a part of the program he feels in there and the sooner he gets to meetings out here when he's released the better, but as toi said you already know that! Again--Welcome!!

Deb

welcome to PTO!

Welcome to PTO and thank you for sharing ! :)

kath

thanks everyone for the welcomes! john has a few more years to do, he's a lifer, but is eligible for parole. probably in 3 or 4 years. i just worry about it because he's been in for so long, the stress when he gets out will be pretty rough. he's been clean for 11 years now, and hates what that life did to him. some of the ex cons i know in recovery here don't even count the time they got while they were locked up, they say it's very different staying sober inside than on the outside. i am living in tomorrow though, lol, i need to stay in today. and it's a wonderful day today :)

Hey.

First up the site looks great now.

Second, I have a huge issue.

My dad has a major drinking problem, he doesn't think so but he does, and both my mom and I know about it, He has been drinking ever since he got a new job 3 years ago, it just gets keeps getting worse, he starts his day off with a beer, then another one and then some more.

The problem is that for my mom to cope with it, she has started to drink, she can't stop, and when she drinks too much she gets evil, not physical, IN NO WAY SHAPE OR FORM, so don't think she does, she would never touch me, but she says things that hurt so bad, I feel like I don't even know the words.

So now they both drink, everyday, and the problem is that I have started to drink too, I had a double Vodka this morning for breakfast, I mean that is wrong, really wrong that is bad, I hate drinking but it is the only thing I can find that will help against their evil words.

I don't want us to be pulled apart, but something has to be done, because this cannot go on, I hate things right now, they break my heart. I need help on this, I need advice how to get over and past this step, i dont want to drink, it is not nice, but it helps, I am 17 and I say alcohol helps me forget the words, what kind of a world is it I live in???

Kauri.

you are VERY wise to be asking this question NOW instead of in six months, a year, two years. Alcohol may "seem" to make the world go away...in reality it'll just make yr world a far worse mess. You can't control the adults but you can RUN do not walk to Alateen or Al-anon, which are for family members. Call 411 and get the national toll free number and they will hook you up locally. It's free. They really do understand and don't judge. Wish I could hug ya. GOOD LUCK!

hang on, let me upgrade that info: 1-888-4AL-ANON- or do a quick Google if you want to check em out before u call- the website has a lot of info

i hope you recieve some help on this because you do not want it to get out of hand i wish you the best of luck

if i havent told you this before, then im gonna say it now..when one drinks & or does drugs..it is usually get away from the FEELINGS & stuff thats going on with them. i know i did it...and, you are drinking to get away from the way your mother is talking to you.

i told you what i thought you should do. you can either own up to your wrongdoings, and deal w/the consequences..or you can continue to drink..and hope that you dont get caught via--the program.

you are old enough to take responsibility for your own actions..which is exactly what you NEED to do..

but you need to be honest to the people that are trying to help you...why be in the program if you are going to be drinking? :hmm:

melissa

I know I have to be honest, but do you know how much it hurts when the person you love says you are messed up, or when family members say you are a failed Abortion, just because they are drunk, I am 17 I am not old enough to deal with things the right way, I am 17 I am not eve out of Highschool, sure I should tell the people at the program, and I will, but right now I just feel like drinking is the only way out I know it isnt but I am so lost, I am so scared, I am so sorry. I really am, I promise I will do something about it and I will do it soon, I will do it today.

Kauri

I did it, I told the program, I told her everything, even that I drink and by that broke the rules, I also told her though that I am so sorry I even opened that bottle, and I am trust me I am, I wish I had never even thought that just cuz my parents drink it is right for me to drink.

So what did she say, well 1 she said that they have to add 1 month to the program time, because I broke the rules, I can live with that, second I have to go to Al-anon meetings once a week, and because I smashed 10 of my Parents bottles with a Baseball bat, I gotta do Anger management Classes, so I can handle my anger. She also said that this is my last chance, next time and she will have to tell the cops, and I will have to go to Juvie.

I have a friend, Donald, who really helped me out when we were in treatment together. He was like my big brother. he cared enough to call me on my stuff and not letme get away with bullcrap. Unfortunatly he was unable to stay clean himself and ultimately ended up in prison. I wish he had saved some of the good stuff for himself. he could sure have used it. I feel sorry that he just does'nt get it

Congratulations on being strong and I pray that he will undersatnd one day before his whole life passes him by.
Believe in yourself and you will be a creator of your destiny....
Witty

Well, ladies and gentlemen here's what's going on with my relationship right now:

My sweetheart got out of prison last Tuesday. He didn't have a job lined up or anything, but at least he wasn't drinking ( I thank God for small victories.). He was coming by and/or calling everyday, and I've really been enjoying his company (My mother hasn't so much, for the above-mentioned reasons.) However, he called me today drunk off his ass, and I hung up on him. He hasn't called back, but nearly four years is a lot to just walk away from. My boyfriend is an alcoholic, and I was never able to resist him before, so I believe it's a good thing that I could hang up on him instead of just listening to him. I'm sooo sad, and I even wrote a letter that I might read him so he knows how deeply this hurts. We've been having conversations about this, and I believe he's sincere. I have to protect myself though, even as much as I love him. I need some advice/support, shoulders to cry on, etc. I'm also about to burst into tears here at work. Maybe I'll go to the joke forum. That always seems to work. I feel pathetic. I wonder who'll play me in the tv movie of the week. LOL. Thanks for listening.

Hey I can feel your pain. I had a boyfriend that I loved so much he was really a great guy the one thing was he was addicted to crack. I found out and I had to strength to leave and boy did I leave. I try to help him for about three months but in the end I realize I was fighting a losing battle so left. It turn out to be a wise decision on my part. Sometimes we have to make a choice. He is choosing drugs I advise you to choose yourself.

Oh no this is my worst nightmare. This is what I am so worried about when Stanley comes home. I really hope you are going to be okay. I can feel the hurt.

bigbree31 your comment was great
"He is choosing drugs I advise you to choose yourself."
:ha: The man that I am separated from chose his alcohol over me and almost killed both of us Valentines Day............. :ha: :ha:
He called and asked me out and I said okay .........sure that he was sober but realizing that he hadnt eaten all day and started drinking before comming to get me and it almost cost us both our lives not to metion the kids it would of affected......
It was a real eyeopener :yuck: and I "WONT" make that mistake again.
They cant help it they are alcoholics and crave the stuff and when my husband was confronted by my mother he said
"I KNOW I NEED TO QUIT BUT IM NOT READY" and my mother said "you know your gonna loose her" and he commented "I KNOW BUT IM NOT READY"
So it took me awhile(20 yrs) but I left and am taking it one day at a time............
"HE CHOSE BOOZE IM CHOOING MY MYSELF" :)
Be strong...... until "THEY" are ready and hit rock bottom you really cant do anything but love them and pray............I grew up around the booze and It'll destroy all it touches...My 19 yr old is following in his dads footsteps and all I can do is watch and pray.......

YOU DID THE RIGHT THING BY HANGING UP..........KEEP YOUR GROUND AND DONT GIVE..............God Bless You

i'm so sorry that you are experiencing this pain. get involved with al-anon. it will help tremendously. you will learn how to detach with love. anytime we protect an addict from the consequences of their actions, we deprive them of an opportunity to learn and grow for themselves. many times this means just letting them suffer. desperation is the necessary ingredient for change to take place. good luck to you.

My husband is an alcoholic also....he's currently doing time, as we speak (type;-) Reading letters like yours hits close to home for me..it's just so hard. Not that my choice will work for everybody, but here's what I've decided. I love that man with all of my heart and soul, BUT I can't just sit back and watch him kill himself anymore. He will be home in 2 weeks....if he drinks one, he'll drink 10! I've pretty much decided to leave him if he chooses alcohol AGAIN over me and our child. Plain and simple...this is his second prison term, both alcohol related. Although my heart hurts for him, I have to think about our little boy...it's just not fair to him. I hope, with all of my heart, that this time changes him......

I'm sorry that you have to go through this. Stay strong...
There is alot of good advice so far here and I hope you understand that it's all from the heart!! They have been there done that.. DO what will make you happy...
Believe in yourself and you will be a creator of your destiny
Witty

Thanks to everyone who has replied thus far. It's sooo nice and heartening just to be able to talk to those who've been in my shoes. I'm glad that at least there are no children involved. It's always the old, played-out cliche of "...But they're so nice when they're sober." I guess that's why it's so hard to walk away.

A word of thanks to you all from a different perspective: I'm an alcoholic in recovery, with a wife and daughter, and when I read the fear and panic in your posts it strengthens my own resolve to stay sober. I hate to think I might be the kind of person who could cause so much anxiety in his loved ones. In expressing your feelings you've all helped this alcoholic stay sober for another 24H ... thanks! Ralph

Yeah for you, Ralph! Thanks for responding to my post. I try to use "tough love" (I'm not even sure what that means anymore), but I'm still sad.

Tough Love isn't that something what do you do when they are out on a binge and all you can do is cry and pray and worry of course when does one hit rock bottom I wish all the drugs and alcohol was illegal I reaaly do it is causing so many people hurt and pain please pray for my loved one to return from this binge and to hopefully stay a while like forever.

I pray for all alcoholics and drug addicts daily through out the day my mom was once addicted well she is a addict but a recovering addict ( Praise God) she will be clean 4 yrs in April.

Just a question: what would you guys consider the definition of tough love?

Just a question: what would you guys consider the definition of tough love?

Way to go Ralph......PROUD OF YOU................I dont know about anyone else but I think for me tough love is when you say no~Its over~Im threw carrying the load Im gonna take care of MYSELF now.....Walking away and going on........(but I always keep a watch from afar)
My 17 year old told me last night that his dad feels threatened by my sense of dependancy and finally being able to say NO MORE...............ITS OVER................But still took that next drink..one leads to 2 then on........

Thank you Ralph...you have given me a new hope...I mean that! Hang in there...we're all here for you!

My name is Witchlinblue and I’m the Forum Leader here. The Moderators are Sunnie, Lysbeth, and Jeni and we would like to welcome you here. The purpose of this forum is to offer as much help, support and resources as possible for those with incarcerated loved ones who are dealing with substance abuse and addiction, whether its themselves or their loved ones in prison. Feel free to post and get involved in the discussions here but please try to stick to substance abuse and addiction subjects.

There are large amounts of people in prison today who are suffering from addiction and sometimes its hard to find the answers or to even know what is going on with a loved on with a substance abuse problem. There are many people on PTO with a wealth of experiences to share and many more that need answers. This is the place to discuss all of this.

Feel free to share your stories or offer advice, opinions, exchange resource information, or to ask for help and support. We ask though that you respect that this topic can be quite painful for some to cope with and for those with a loved one incarcerated with an addiction it can be especially hard. So we expect that people will not be judgmental towards each other and instead try to be supportive and understanding. The policies of PTO will be strictly enforced so that we can maintain a forum of support to one another.

If you are looking for information and you can’t find it here, feel free to post a question or to send a private message to myself or Sunnie, Jeni, or Lysbeth. We hope that this forum will be a great place to exchange information and will be supportive for all those affected by substances of addiction no matter what side of the fence you are on.

I just wanted to share this with those of you that are recovering, wanting to kick dope, or have a loved one that is an addict.


My addictions began at a very early age in life. The first substance I was introduced to was alcohol. My mother would give me beer to keep me sedated as far back as I can remember, graduating to whiskey or other hard liquors around the age of eight or nine years old. I suffered pretty severe physical and sexual abuse along with the mental so my childhood wasn’t like any other little boy’s and if I was drunk I reckon they found it easier to do “things” to me. As I got older I began to find alcohol on my own and by the time I was 12 or 13, I was pretty much a full-blown alcoholic. From that point on it was all about numbing the pain and absence of love in my life. As time went on I found things stronger than alcohol to numb myself beginning with pot, then acid, pills, cocaine, heroin and ending in my drug of choice, meth. Not to say I haven’t tried other drugs but as far as drugs that were a constant in my life that stuck with me those were the main ones. Every one of them I used to the extreme, pretty much living with a “death wish”. I wanted to escape life, as I knew it and have done things that I am not proud of. I’ve been the “dope man” and the “dope fiend” and sometimes both at the same time. It was a way of life for me. About 10 years ago was when I was first exposed to the “meth game” and learned very quickly you could take just a little bit of money and turn it into a whole bunch. There was a combination of things that appealed to me in being a “cook”. I could get the adrenaline rush of doing something that could blow up or kill me at any time. I could be the “dope man” and feel important to those who needed my drug. I had friends, all be it they were temporary. I could also take care of my own addiction. In my opinion, meth is by far the worst drug to use and to try to quit. It will take you to the edge and then shove you over it. I had to lose everything and an overdose that nearly took my life to begin to see what had happened to me. Most people who have seen or been through the life I have lived wouldn’t be here today. Though at times it’s a very serious struggle, I am drug free. In closing, I am now serving a 20-year sentence in prison for the manufacture of meth with intent to deliver, but I am happier than I’ve ever been. Somehow along the way I found a wife who loves me and fills in all those voids in my life. God has blessed us with three beautiful girls and life has meaning again. I still have to make a conscious effort to stay clean everyday because there are as many drugs here as out there but with God’s help and the support I have at home, I manage to get through.



CWM 3/2004

Thank you for sharing,that's a sad story but it is also full of hope from a mom's point of view.

Thank you for this....it gives us all hope!!!

kath

Thank you for this story!

My husband of 20 years is probably going to be sent to prison this time after getting busted for manufacturing meth. He was already on probation when he got busted this time. Im through with his lies and promices. I filed for a divorce. We have 2 boyes ages 19 and 16. I feel as if we are paying for this as much as he is. We have tried to get him help and support him. The longest he has stayed clean was about 6mo. I hope im doing the right thing by breaking all ties with him. I have to go on with my life, without someone like him. It has to be his choice to get clean, something he has yet to do.

First, welcome to PTO. I am sorry to hear about what you are going through. I have no doubt that the decision you have made will be the right decision for you because I can only imagine how hard it was to make it. Take care of yourself and know that you have lots of support here. You can pm me if you ever just need someone to listen. Take care.

I am sorry to read about your pain, and your boys pain...I have two boys that age...it must be hard for them...I don't know what the best thing is to do here...I am sure you can take care of the boys and they will be okay...I don't know why a man who has a good wife and two children would do what your husband does...like he takes it all for granted, so try to live your life and one day you will smile again and be happy inside again....I know you will think about the right thing to do a million times these days...hope you will find peace in whatever that is...

I am sorry to hear that you are going through this. I know how hard it is. I have been going through the promises and lies cycle with my husband for four years now. I often wonder if I should make the same decision you have. My boys are 4 years old and 16 months old and I often ask myself what I can do to make the best choice for them. It is a hard situation and I feel for you.
God Bless!

I am sorry to hear that, but I must tell you that sometimes, the right way seems hard, I hope things get better as time goes by.

Sounds to me that you've given him plenty of chances and that you've put many years into trying to help him... Sometimes it's the best thing for everyone if you cut ties... My sister in law had to leave my brother after 22 years and although it wasn't easy, she's much better off now than she ever was... Unfortunately, he still hasn't changed... He's still out there chasing a baggie... It's sad...

I wish you only the best and hopefully this will be his wake up call... Sometimes that's what it takes for someone to get clean... They have to lose everything... Hang in there!

Hey Their Ladies I Need Help And Advice And Someeone To Talk To Mike Has Been Home Since April 19th Not Even A Week And He Wanted To Get The Help He Needs And He Has Already Relapsed Twice Once On Friday And Once On Monday And I Feel That I Am To Blame Because I Gave Him The Money Both Times Although At The Time I Didn't Know What He Was Doing But He Is Smart Enough That He Tells Me The Truth.

I Just Don't Know What To Do Or To Say To Him Can Someone Please Help Me Thank You.

Amanda

Encourage him to get the help he needs. Be thankful he was honest and told you the truth. Hope that helps even though it's not much.

he knows how to gwt what he needs from u not because he is a bad person but because he is an addict. we are amazing con artist when it come to getting whath we want. u r his enabeler n to help him u have to let him know that u are not gonna support his habit. look in your phone book call the NA and AA central office n get the loocal meetings list. prison n rehab are seperate deals too. get him into a rehab. its the only way to survive this disease we have...reach out for help.

Call this number-1-800-627-3543 (NA) They can help...Good luck.

:( Well I am sorry to hear this, but I know what you are going through.

I understand what you are going thru. AJ was home 4 hours and relapsed and just 5 months later was arrested again and will be returning home on the 11th of june.. I'm terrified of what will happen when he comes home but what everyonehas said is true. Stay strong. Just remeber he needs to want to help himself.

Hey.

Just a short note on what I need help with.

I am visiting my moms best friend, and while being here I have noticed that her son seems out of it, I would say with the experience that I have in that area, having spent time behind bars, and with the wrong people.... That he is smoking something that is not good.

Now my problem is how to tell anyone, I dont want to get him into trouble, but the way he is acting really worries me.

Please need advice on how to handel this, as I know how much it hurts to know about this sorta thing, but just dont want to see another good kid go down the wrong road.

Kauri

A lot of what you can do depends on his age, the willingness of his mother to battle her son and the authorities to get help, and how much the boy is willing to admit. Either way, your starting point has to be his mother or maybe your mother, depending on how you think his mother would react to your telling.

If he's under 16, there's a good chance that juvenile authorities will be more willing to help him via rehab (if needed) rather than incarceration. Over 16, unless there is a documented medical or psychological basis, the chances are pretty high that juvenile justice will come down on the side of punishment rather than help.

I really hope someone is willing to listen to you. This mother is very lucky to have someone there who cares and who notices.

My sister used to be in a long realtionship until about 2 years ago..she was totally straight edged.. Well shes started going out with this new guy who is such a druggy... well anyway i knew she started using coke.one day i was in the car with her she asked me if i could get her exstacy.. i did get it for her..then a couple weeks later she asked me to get her glass... had no idea what glass was and i didnt get it for her.i didnt say much cause i had no idea
well its meth...a month later she tells me she is pregnant im really afraid if she is still doing them and that her man is a total drug user still . She mentioned probably the same time she asked for the glass (i think it was the same time actually) that she wants to have a baby so her man would turn his life around. Well a month later she was pregnant and is now 6-7 months preg..im afriad if shes using now... and that her man is gonna be a scumbag....her aminiotic? acid or fluids? are low.....and she goes out and doesnt come home till 230 am still even though shes 6-7 months pregnant.. me and my sis dont really talk much so i dont know what to say to her about the whole thing. she has a very bad temper and would completely ignore me and just yell at me. what should i do??? I seriously will F her up if soemthing is wrong with my neice and if I ever frind out shes doin it again. I dont knwo waht to do but it really hurts me inside. I was surprised that she even told me she did them. Please help..

http://www.babycenter.com/refcap/pregnancy/pregcomplications/1199460.html an article on low amnionic fluid

thanks keiko!!!!

Illegal and Recreational Drugs


By Dr. Gerard M. DiLeo, M.D.

Heroin, cocaine, and other addictive drugs are not necessarily deforming substances, but use can cause withdrawal in the newborn as well as growth retardation in the unborn baby. There are indications cropping up in the literature about sociopathic behavior of children born of mothers who used crack and other types of cocaine.



Certainly sociopathic behavior seen in some young is multifactorial--poverty, fatherless families, abuse, etc. But is it me, or has there seemed to be a surprising rise in senseless violence by young people that has coincided with the growing popularity of crack cocaine in this country? We can talk about deforming the body of a developing baby; we never talk about deforming the soul.

Alcohol abuse can cause what's called Fetal-Alcohol Syndrome, associated with deformed teeth and facial features and mental retardation. Marijuana, like cigarettes, has many chemicals in it besides THC. If you get stoned, your baby gets stoned--all at a time when neural cells are busy developing so that they can handle all of the neurotransmitters used in proper central nervous system functioning. I don't know about you, but this would make me very nervous. Also, THC is stored in fat cells, and the weird sugar metabolism shifts that take place in pregnancy may recycle this substance over and over.



Almost any drug you look up is associated with cleft lips and other facial deformities when used in early pregnancy. The caveat to follow in pregnancy is to live squeaky clean and clear all drugs with your doctor before use. That's the best way to prevent parental guilt if your child makes his or her Rs backwards in the fourth grade. You have your life--it's unfair to take a chance with someone else's.

I have two nieces who think it is ok to do drugs and have babies. One of them has had two babies, and lost one of them to the system because she would not straighten herself out. She started taking methadone and was insulted because child protective services told her they did not accept methadone as a treatment! After this last baby she had her tubes tied. The second niece had her baby and was not allowed to take her baby home from the hospital. That baby is now placed with a relative. What is wrong with young girls that they believe it is entirely ok to do drugs while they are pregnant? If they want that lifestyle, go for it, but do not have children! And your sister has the wrong information if she believes having a baby will change her man. Good luck to you. Sounds like it is going to be rough for a while. My heart goes out to you because I know our family has been torn apart some because of the same thing here.

A lot of hospitals now do drug tests on infants when they are born. They test the meconium which is the first waste that the baby passes. If you use at all after the 4th month, even if you stop at some point, the meconium will test positive for drugs. In some states this is automatic grounds for removal of the infant from the mothers care.

With coke and meth the biggest risk when you are pregnant is what is called "placenta previa" where the placenta separates from the uterine wall and the mother could bleed to death and the infant could die. Also premature birth is a major risk.

:( I am so sorry about your sister... Hopefully she thought about the little one she is bring into this world.. I don't know what state your in.. But I know they test the mothers after the baby is born in california and if the baby shows any signs of drugs.. If the mothers test comes out YES..She gets the baby taken away and could either go to jail or drug rehabit. The baby doesn't go home with mommy. If that was my sister..I sit her down and just talk to her.. If you and her really don't talk than I would say; sis I could care less how you mess your life up.. BUT the baby didn't have a chance if you were using...If she starts to get up set that not your sister talking it's her evil twin, the drug user. Maybe find out the law were you live and tell her what could happen if she did use... Hopefully she didn't use.. I'll put you both in my prayers............minnie:cool:

thanks, ITS REALlyL HARD. i MEAN WHEN SHES NOT HOME I SEARCH HER ROOM FOR THINGS BUT I DONT EVEN KNOW WAHT IM LOOKIN FOR. sHE WAS SMART ENOUGH TO STOP SMOKIN AND DRINKIN (AT LEAST SHES NOT DRINKIN IN Front of US!) tHAT I HOPE SHES SMART ENOUGH TO STOP EVERYTHING. please keep my neice in your prayers. This is my only sister and my only chance of having a neice or nephew... well at least the only sister that can give me one. Im afraid to tell her anything cause shell just tell me to shut up. If that was the case, that they drug tested her and she was positive could i get custody of the baby? or my mom? I know probably not me cause of JOhn but does it go to me mom or to her man... Ill tell you one thing if the baby goes to her man ALL HELL WILL BREAK LOSE cause hes the one that got her into this mess

I think they normally look for a responsible family member before they give the baby to strangers. Good luck, that baby is lucky you care.

NJ is really rigid on this issue. DYFS doesn't play at all--if the baby is positive, she will lose custody at least temporarily right at the hospital. Lots of requirements must be met if she wants to get the baby back and that can takes several months. I understand that deterants often don't help [like threats] but in this case I would be tempted to let her know the possibilities and risks she is taking from both the physical risks [to her and child] as well as the legal risks. I'm not sure, but I think in NJ a woman can also be charged w/child endangerment or some similar like charge--that might be worth checking out, too [check sentencing guidelines found on the NJ Judiciary website].

I hope for that babys sake that ur sister isnt on drugs but if she is someone needs to take that baby from her. Because a baby deserves much better than a druggie mommy. I am sorry not to sound rude. But why damage your own blood and your child just to get a stupid high..Stupid and doesnt deserve to be a Mother anyways.

rap_gurl..
when i read your post, i thought o my god that is so describeing my brother Tomas, after he met this gurl, he has been acting all wired, never comes to see me and my parents, he is allways acting different, when i wanted to go and talk to him, he was waering boxers and nothing, and smelled lyk pot or somethin...
we need some help, please PM me so we can get some toghter

My husband and I met the day he was released from prison (4 years) we were married soon after that (about 2 months). He was in prison for drug related crimes. -- (I'm trying to make this short) --
After about 2 years he went on a drug binge and I turned him in to his PO, she blew it off. She kept blowing it off until I had to get really ugly with her. After that he went ot SAFP for 9 months (plus 3 month in county). After he was released and sent to a halfway house he was using again within 6 weeks. I turned him in again. He is now in prison for revocation of parole.
What I need is someone who relates with what I've been through. I don't want him in prison and I'm not going to divorce him but drugs are not allowed to be a part of my life. He knew the consequences of drug use before I met him and I wont protect him or cover for him when he is using . (When he is using it is hundreds of dollars a day).
I need to talk to someone who loves there family member but does not feel they are a victim or completely innocent.

wow, while ive never been in your situation...you are SO STRONG. i admire the obvious love that you have for your husband.
i cant imagine it was easy for you to do, but tough love is how it has to be sometimes.
where does he stand with his sentencing? i mean how much time is he serving? does he understand and/or appreciate the lengths you have gone to for him?
good luck and stay strong :)

We don't know how much longer. He had six year left but was eligible for parole the day they picked him up (I had to call the police and tell him he was at home and to come get him. It took 2 hours to make that call and YES!!! It was the hardest thing I have ever done. I love my husband and really felt if I did not call he would die).
Thank you so much for being understanding. I have wanted to post for months but did not feel I would get a warm reception.

I am sorry but how could you put someone you claim to love in that hell? Have you ever been to prison or jail? Oh you may think your suffering because you had to help him but, no, my opinion is you have just made what was already a damaged person worse off. If anything have him committed to a Psychiatric unit where he might get some real help, not just imprisoned. Not just being housed in conditions not suitable for an animal. You say you love him and don't want a divorce, well you'll probably get one. I am sorry, just my opinion, but prison is not the only answer. Drug addiction is a disease not a crime.

I will not get a divorce. He knows I love him!! He has been to every treatment program there is and they don't work. At least not for him. I guess you think I should wait till he dies from an overdose ( which he almost has more than once ) and then get your sympanthy? NO!! I will keep him alive whatever way I have to. And trust me no matter how bad the Texas prison system is it is way better than living in a crack house. At least you have a chance to get out alive there.

Melody -
Yes, drug addiction is a disease .... that causes criminal behavior.
My husband won't divorce me becouse he knows I'm the only one who cares about him enough to take the hard road with him. I don't make excuses for him but I'm always there to tell him he has the strength to be the man he was supposed to be.

I'm sorry I don't have the answers to your problems. I know one thing, PRISON is not the answer. Especially if you love him. Like the other lady said, you are strong. But please don't scoop down to prison.

In prison he is the walking dead, you have become his judge? Maybe you won't get a divorce but he may. I would not give up my man if he murdered someone. To hell with tough love that's what wrong with this world not enough gentle love. A hang-um mentality.

DAA0414, you might want to also post in the Drug & Alcohol Treament & Rehabilitation Forum. Here is a link to that forum: http://www.prisontalk.com/forums/forumdisplay.php?f=202

Also, I just wanted to defend your choice to take the avenues you have taken to keep your husband alive until he makes the choice to enter recovery for himself. The one thing we must remember is that we can't force someone to enter drug treatment, they have to want it for themselves, or else they'll fail everytime. Until it becomes his choice to enter recovery, one of the ways (and mind you, I said.... ONE of the ways) of keeping them alive until they make that choice is confinement. We must also keep in mind, that what works for one person, might not necessarily work for another, and I believe that DAA041 has chosen to have her husband confined, because apparently that is what works for right now until she can find some other way to get her husband to "want" to enter drug treatment for himself. Until then, he's alive and as she said not in a crack house.

I realize her choice is not favored by most, but we have to also keep in mind that when dealing with an addict, and especially one that you love, you will save their lives by any means necessary, even to the extent of having them incarcerated. No.... prison is not a pretty place for anyone, but neither is living in the streets, strung out on dope, or hanging out in some disease infested, nasty crackhouse. At least this way, she knows where he is and that he's clean, fed and warm.

We must be sensitive to her situation, as she is dealing with just as much as others who have loved ones incarcerated and/or addicted to drugs.

DAA... you and your husband are in my prayers.

Sometimes prison is the only thing that will save an addicts life. I think some addicts who got clean and received treatment in prison would agree with that.

I think you are very stong woman. And admire you for doing what you have. I see nothing wrong with sending him to prison, I was glad Mike went to prison I didn't turn him in or anything. I have known a lot of people that I talk to say that they were relived when their loved one wen to prison because at least they knew where they were and knew they would be feed and have a place to sleep. Mike said he was glad he got put in prison it opens some of their eyes. Granted not all people belong in prison but if I was with Mike when out on parole and he was using or doing anything else to break parole I darn sure would turn him in cause I am not putting up with that crap. This is just my thoughts and feelings. I just wanted to let you know that I think you are very stong and doing what you think is best for your husband. No one else knows what all you've been through or how he has been so only you can make the decisons you know are right. Best of luck. And your in my prayers
God bless you and yours

Daa,

That was a very hard and very sensible choice you have done for your husband. I have done the same thing...

You cannot get anyone clean or get anyone loaded...it's up to him if he wants or doesn't want recovery. Of course you don't need to put yourself or your family in jeapordy because of his choices. Take care of you!

My suggestion is to please find yourself an alanon or naranon group if will teach you how to detatch with love...addiction is a family disease, and just because the addict is the one who needs the help so does the partner wife or husband. Take this time to work on you and leave the rest to him.

As a note*
This is a forum for support not judgment...although it's ok to express feelings, it needs to be done in a respectful way. To puplicly criticise someones choice is not ok and will not be tolerated here. This is not a place to debate. If you don't agree with someones choice the best thing to do is not respond maybe...?

Thanks

DAA041 I agree with some of the members who have posted above...if it were not for prison my husband (and I!!) would probably have been dead from an overdose. Drugs are so strong and anyone who has not experienced living with an addict (I was one myself, so I know first hand) cannot understand what you are going through. I truly think that prison was and is the best thing for my husband because it was the biggest wake up call we could have asked for (though...I always wish he only got 3 years instead of 5, but he did the crime, so he is paying his time!). I commend you for what you are doing - you love your honey and only want the best for him. No, prison is not pretty or nice, but sometimes it is the ONLY thing that will help make change in someone's life. Sad, but true, mine is a perfect example. I dont worry about him getting a job so much as I worry about him turning back to drugs in the future...drugs just make life easy, at least you think it is easy, until reality sets in and you realize it has done nothing but make you take a step back instead of moving forward. I also will not tolerate drug use when he gets out, it has done too much harm to ourselves and our relationships with our family; we need to change people, places and things. I have done my best to make his future when he gets out as easy as possible...now we all just sit and wait and pray that they make the right decisions. If you ever want to talk, feel free to PM me.

I JUST DELETED THE WELCOME TO THE DRUG AND ALCOHOL THREAD I HAD UP HERE BEFORE BECAUSE I REALIZE THAT IT WAS SO SUPERFICIAL AND BORING. I WOULD LIKE TO TELL YOU A LITTLE ABOUT ME BUT FIRST I WOULD LIKE TO APOLOGIZE FOR NOT MAKING THIS FORUM WHAT I INTENDED I HOPED TO BRING TO IT MY EXPERIENCE AND MYSELF.

FRANKLY I HAVE DONE NOTHING BECAUSE WHEN I HAVE ALL THESE IDEAS I HAVE TROUBLE FOLLOWING THROUGH...IM A LITTLE SLOW ON THE COMPUTER, THERE'S SO MUCH INFO ON THE WEB ABOUT ADDICTION I GET LOST DECIDING WHAT TO POST AND NOT POST THAT I JUST SAY I WILL GET BACK TO IT LATER AND WEEKS LATER I AM BUTT HURT BECAUSE NOONE IS HERE...:eek: BUT IM NOT DOING MY JOB!!! so HERE WE GO ONCE I GOT SOME OF YOUR ALLS ATTENTION.:D

MY NAME IS SUNNIE AND I AM IN RECOVERY FROM AN ADDICTION TO
DRUGS AND ALCOHOL WHICH I PRACTICED FOR OVER 20 YEARS. i WAS VERY YOUNG, AROUND 11 WHEN I HAD MY FIRST DRINK. I HAVE BEEN CLEAN FOR GOING ON 8 YEARS MARCH 30, 1997, (IM A BABY )THE GREATEST AND WORST DAY OF MY LIFE. I LOST EVERYTHING AS A RESULT OF THIS DISEASE, BUT FROM GET I WAS WILLING TO DO WHATEVER IT TOOK TO FIND RECOVERY FROM SOMETHING I KNEW WOULD KILL ME IF I DID NOT STOP. MY ROAD HAS BEEN FULL OF BUMPS AND POT HOLES, BUT THE WORST DAY SOBER AND CLEAN STILL TO THIS DAY OUTWEIGHS THE BEST TIME I EVER HAD DRUNK OR HIGH! I WENT THROUGH 5 MONTHS OF INPATIENT TREATMENT, 90 DAYS OF INTENSIVE
DAY TREATMENT AND 1 YEAR OF OUTPATIENT 3 TIMES A WEEK. IT SAVED MY LIFE. I STAYED CONNECTED IN NA AND AA AND STILL AM, IN FACT ON THE 4TH I HAVE TO DO A STAND UP TALK IN FRONT OF A BUNCH OF PEOPLE...HOLY CRAP!!:eek: FOR AN HOUR, BUT HOPEFULLY ONE PERSON WILL HEAR SOMETHING I MIGHT SAY AND SPARE THEM FROM THE HELL OF ACTIVE ADDICTION, AND WON'T DIE. A YEAR AND A HALF AGO, I QUIT MY PROFESSION AND STARTED WORKING IN THE FIELD OF SUBSTANCE ABUSE AT A RESIDENTIAL TREATMENT FACILITY FOR WOMEN AND i WANT TO TELL YOU IT HAS BEEN THE HARDEST AND MOST REWARDING 18 MONTHS OF MY LIFE. I WORK WITH THE MOST AWESOME TEAM MUCH LIKE HERE AT PTO, WHO ARE COMMITTED AND WORK ON THEIR OWN PERSONAL RECOVERY AND I GET TO FIND ME IN THE PROCESS AND IT'S BEEN TOUGH. BUT BECAUSE OF MY WILLINGNESS IM FINALLY ABLE TO TRANSMIT SOMETHING I HAVE FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE, AND I GET TO LET DOWN THE WALLS IVE BUILT UP ALL THIS TIME EVEN SOBER. tHIS DISEASE WILL KILL, BUT ONE DAY AT A TIME I GET TO MAKE A CHOICE, BECAUSE THERE IS A LOT OF FREEDOM IN THAT ONCE I REALIZED THAT I CAN CHOOSE LIFE OR DEATH...I CHOOSE LIFE BECAUSE FOR ME TO GO BACK TO USING, IT WOULD SURELY MEAN DEATH...IM NOT A BIBLE THUMPER BUT I HAVE A GOD WHO I KNOW LOVES ME AND THAT RELATIONSHIP HAS BEEN TOUGH TOO...BUT ANYTHING WORTH HAVING IS WORTH WORKING FOR...RECENTLY A COUPLE YEARS BACK I HAD TO LET GO OF SOMEONE I LOVE DEARLY BECAUSE HE CHOSE TO GO BACK AND USE AND CAN'T STAY OUT OF PRISON...BUT I CHOSE MY RECOVERY AND BELIEVE ME THAT WAS NOT ALWAYS THE EASIEST DECISION...I DID NOT GET A LOT OF HIS FAMILIES SUPPORT, AND I HAD TO LEAN ON ME...WITH 2 KIDS, BUT MY LIFE IS AWESOME. MORE AND MORE GETS REVEALED AND I HAVE BEEN BLESSED. I LOVE WHAT I DO AND NOW THAT I HAVE REACHED OUT A LITTLE BIT, I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW ALL OF YOU...IF YOU ARE JUST STARTING OUT, DON'T QUIT! I PROMISE IT WILL GET BETTER! I CAN'T SAY WHEN FOR ME THIS IS THE BEST IT'S EVER BEEN AND MY 10 YEAR OLD HAS NOT SEEN ME LOADED SINCE AGE 2.5 AND MY ALMOST 2 YEAR OLD SON NEVER HAS. WOW!!!

i LOOK FOWARD TO GETTING TO KNOW ALL OF YOU, AND TOGETHER WE CAN DO THIS THING!!

WELCOME TO THIS FORUM..
WHEW!! THAT WAS NOT SO BAD! SORRY SO LONG.:rolleyes:

Daa I agree with what you have done. You are closest to him and you know the degree of his addiction. I was on the verge of doing the same thing or his mother was going to do it, but he ended up being arrested in a hotel room while on a severe drug binge. Although a drug treatment facility would sound more pleasant at the time it wouldn't have helped him. Only being locked up away from everything would have and it has given him a lot of time to think about his choices and life. My situation is similar to yours. I met my boyfriend a month after he had been released from prison. Althouh we have not married we have been together for 4 years now. He was very set on never drinking or touching herion again, but he ended up falling off the wagon. He knows I don't tolerate drugs and when he goes on binges he spends hundreds of dollars too and stays away from home for a couple of days at a time. When they are that far gone getting sober is far from there minds and what you did probably did save is life. I know it saved my boyfriends life. As someone else suggested maybe look into Al Anon and Narconon. I am going to myself so I can learn to deal with all of this in the correct manner. I don't want to leave him either because I love him with all my heart, but I have gone far beyond many people to help him and I have realized that in the end it is ALL up to him. You are not alone, but just make sure to put yourself first from now on.

I want to say thank you to everyone for there honest support. I feel silly right now becouse reading your posts made me cry. I never thought anyone else has had to deal with what I've dealt with and still loved her man unconditionally. I think my tears are more from knowing that others hurt this badly. I always felt completely alone with no one that could possibly understand. It really hurts my heart that there are others in this same situation. My prayers go out to all of you. My greatest hope to all of us is that "love conquers all".

Thanks again, Amy

Just remember doing the right thing is hard. They will probably 'kill the messenger" but at least you will make them think about what you have said. You now just have to figure out what is more important to you, making them like you or getting this boy some help.

The faster someone gets help for their drug problem the more likely they can bet it.
I would tell the mom.

DAA0414, you might want to also post in the Drug & Alcohol Treament & Rehabilitation Forum. Here is a link to that forum: http://www.prisontalk.com/forums/forumdisplay.php?f=202 (http://www.prisontalk.com/forums/forumdisplay.php?f=202)Ok, duh!!!!! I had no idea we were already in the D & A Treatment Forum until I saw Sunni's post. Ok, I'm awake now. LOL I feel so silly now, giving a link to a forum we're already in. I shall recover from this embarrassment by.... next week, maybe. LOL

On several occassions going to jail and then to prison was the only thing that saved my brother in laws life. No one had to tell on him, he landed there on his own. And I have to say the rest of us were relieved he was there instead of in a graveyard! His brothers and me lived in a daily fear that we were going to receive a telephone call that said he was gone. He thought he was invincible (sp) and above what could happen to people who drink and do drugs. I know what you mean about doing what you have to do. I did think about calling his PO a couple of times, and probably would have, but he would do something incredibly stupid and land in jail himself. I did call the doctor who was prescribing him all those medicines and asked if he knew my brother in law was drinking on top of the drugs. The doctor's answer was to tell me it was pretty much none of my business, and I did not have guardianship over him. My response was if my brother in law was found dead in a ditch, it would be more of my business than the doctor ever dreamed possible. After that call my brother in law couldn't get tylenol off of that doctor, and had to find him a new one. Which he did. I was scared, and talked to my husband before I made the call. I agreed to take the fall if my brother in law ever found out about a call so he and his brothers could remain close. Their parents are dead, and they only have each other. I would do it again if I had to. You did the right thing to save your husband's life. Good luck.

I am sorry but how could you put someone you claim to love in that hell? Have you ever been to prison or jail? Oh you may think your suffering because you had to help him but, no, my opinion is you have just made what was already a damaged person worse off. If anything have him committed to a Psychiatric unit where he might get some real help, not just imprisoned. Not just being housed in conditions not suitable for an animal. You say you love him and don't want a divorce, well you'll probably get one. I am sorry, just my opinion, but prison is not the only answer. Drug addiction is a disease not a crime.

Sweetie, I can tell you and I don't even know her. She would rather visit him in a stinking prison than to carry flowers to a grave. Drug addiction is a disease, but the use of drugs is also a crime. He had to have been thinking with a clear head before he begin using the second time around and he made a conscience decision to break the law again and that is why he is in prison, not because she turned him in. No matter what she called and told anyone if he had not been breaking the law he would not have went back to jail. Been there walked in her shoes, only it was my baby boy not my husband, but I feel the same way she does......

Daa, i totally feel for you...i know that was the hardest call to make.....but, as most have said you are saving his life..

yes, prison can be horrible....but, the streets, crack houses...are 1000x worse...here in parts of los angles county...people, slice yout throat for the heck of it...they will kill you for a twenty...and, he would have been picked up eventually....

i wish they would send addicts to locked drug rehabilitation centers...for it truely is a disease...but, until then...

most addicts i know couldn't stop on their own...they stopped due to being arrested, and then incarcerated...(the loss of freedom is a powerful teacher, along with the other miserys of prison, i wish all addicts could learn without having to do time...

i have been on both sides...and, i know i am lucky that i stopped on my own...but, the things i experienced and saw, still chill me to the bone...
and, without a doubt no how lucky i am to have survived...

he is blessed to have a wife like you who strong enough, and loves him enough to save his life!
my best prayers are with you both..
much peace and love
francis

This thread is very moving & I've cried while reading it. Sad tears for the all the pain suffered, joyful tears for the love, committment & enduring hope. But my reality is to face that there is no hope -- I have received this message point blank, in many letters from my alcoholic drug addicted incarcerated family member. He will do his time & upon release, he will return straight to the streets, the bottle & the other drugs. He's been living this way for 2/3 of his life. No amount of love, programs or prison time has inspired him to want a change of heart or intentions. Of course I love him anyway & I always will. But I don't want to believe him; I want to believe that his plans might change; that he might suddenly decide to stop abusing himself & hurting others to support it. But then I am not really hearing the message I am being given -- and I know for myself, it's very frustrating & even angering when I express myself to someone & they don't like my message & so choose not to hear it. So I don't want to turn my back on the message I've been given, I want to respect it. My haunting pain is that niether love, "help" nor hope will turn things around for our family. We will watch him fall, as he fully intends, in a catastrophic and tragic way. I need to find a way to accept the unacceptable. So the posts on this thread made me cry for myself too -- for feeling so left out of the solace & comfort hope for your loved ones & their futures brings you. Thank you to daa0414 and everyone else who posted for helping me feel the helplessness & hoplessness I need to accept & to try & express myself -- not an easy feat for me. And by the way, is there anyone out there who's been through it or going through it too?

My heart goes out to you! I don't know the details of your relationship but the depth of your pain is in your words. Only you know when it is time to let go. I know whatever I say won't ease your pain but please remember that if you decide to let go of this relationship then you will be free to live life for yourself. You won't focus on the "helpless and hopeless" aspect of your life but will move forward with freedom. True love never dies (true love should never hurt either) but with as with any heartache and mourning it will ease a little more every day.
You do what is right for you when it is right for you. I hope you find peace in your life very soon. You have the right to be happy in your life.

This is definitely a very powerful thread. daa- I think you are SO very strong for doing what you did.
My boyfriend was heading down the same drug path as he had been for the past 10 years before his parole was violated and he was sent back. I did not turn him in myself, but only because I wasn't strong enough to do it. (and I was scared)
I knew that he was going to either end up in prison, or end up dead. Prison literally saved his life.
So- again- I applaud your strength. It takes one helluva woman to beable to do what you did- I hope he learns a little something from you!

Daa
If my son had not gone to prison, he would not be alive today. He would tell you the same thing. I support your choices. I also highly recommend Alanon and/or NarcAnon.

Do you really think he's safe from drugs in prison? I've been told the inmates can get literally ANY drug they want while incarcerated! Are you sure you're keeping him away from drugs? You may just be enabeling him to have easy access to any drugs that he wants.

YOU can't be in control of his drug problem. Only he can. This is going to be a vicious circle until he decides he doesn't want the drugs anymore. He knows this & I'm sure you already know this, too.

I have read all the posts and thought I would share a fitting story: ............ My husband has had a 10 year addiction, and together, for 5 years now, we have gone through it all, we even went to a treatment center together when we first met, the treatment was well for me, but not for him........ he had been in every program, you name it, but still wouldn't give up chasing the dragon. For me, as a loving wife, I don't tolerate it, so he'll get clean, and then behind my back go out again.......... and finally....... I made the decision to call the cops, granted it was for DV as well, but the DV would not have occured if it were not for the drug use. He went to prison and our life turned upside down, and around and sideways........ crazy. I felt bad for a long time for making that call, and no I don't want my husband, my little Baby in prison, but I know that it has saved his life, our life. I was at church on Sunday, and I have a friend there that I meet with once a week, she told me she would not be able to make it this week cause she had to go to a funeral....... another husband lost. And you know, as I sat there during the service, I thanked God for this prison sentence, and I am thankful, in a very deep way that I will not even see my husbands face for about 18 months, because the truth is, when this challenge, if you will, is completed, then I WILL get to see my husband, and he will be alive! I thought of that woman whose husband has just died and thought how she would love to be in MY shoes, away from her husband for only 18 months. The best we can do for our loved ones is to do what we can to not enable them to continue their murderous lifestyle........and sometimes that means having the "authorities" and prison step in. I would rather visit a prison then a graveyard anyday.

DAA0414: I applaud you!!!!!! :thumbsup:

Dear DAA,

i know what you are dealing with...very hard situation...I did not turn mine in but tried to in order to save his life too. He managed to get there eventually on his own behavior though...his sister told me well at least he's alive and we know where he is instead of dead somewhere which is where I'd always picture him after being gone for 3 days and night...I was so sure he'd had a heart attack and died after another hit of the pipe...it was like being in hell and living with the devil inhabiting my husband's body...I would look at him and say that's not my husband?! Very sad...very scarey...no prison is no picnic but neither is burying your husband...you did what you had to do...I am not good with tough love but I know sometimes it should be done. I agree with both sides to a certain degree..yes gentle love is the best...but you're dealing with Satan inhabiting a mind and a body when certain drugs are involved. I admire you for your unconditional love for your husband...I do not want divorce either, (though I have contemplated it) And I don't want prison and I don't want drugs...so you tell me what do you do...PRAY! God Bless you and your family!

Daa~

You got some great advice & support already!!! I know I have been there also I never turned in my husband and maybe I should of but I was always trying to save him from his addiction. I felt like a victim always whenever he used, definatly when he started using crack I was at the time just at 4 months into my pregnancy with our son. Actually i found out about his crack addiction a day after we got married my own cousin called me up and told me that my husband was a crackhead. If I knew this earlier I wouldn't of married him...because I would never want to go down that road again! Everytime he was using-he would fight with me over stupid stuff if the kitchen wasnt right or if the tv was on just stupid stuff just so i would argue with him so he had a excuse to go and get more drugs. The man I fell in loved with died when he started using Crack. I never looked at my husband the same way again. I mean just the stuff he did while he was on that crap.driving me around in the same car or whatever he didn't care about my safetly or our unborn child. Enough about my stories! They always make me cry!! I am glad that my husband is in Prison now b.c atleast I can sleep at night and not worrying if he is out getting drugs or if he did he get shot by a drug dealer and so on. I know where he is at all times so ya know I am happy that God saved him from a life of drugs!! Atleast now I don't have to deal with that Nightmare anymore!! Before my husband went in girl- straight up I filed for divorce from him he didn't know that I filed but this is what happen he went out and bought drugs and all he owe'd the drug dealer money so he drove off but didnt know that the drug dealers followed him and went back to our apartment and my husband got out and went to our door and went in and then a knock on the door my husband comes out and there's the drug dealers at our front door with a gun and threaten my husband to give them the money or else he was going to die...(thank god i wasnt there or my son) i got the call and everything. the next day I went and saw a lawyer and filed for divorce b.c the only thing that ran across my mind was what if i was there with my son and those's drug dealers came and shot both him adn I b.c my dumba** as a husband didnt pay them the money! So I filed for divorce(then i stopped it). I am not saying that dont divorce him or whatever but I know that my life and my son life doesn't involved drugs I want a happy life not a nightmare everyday life filled with a druggie husband & a druggie father for my son. My husband has been sober for 5 months now & after he gets out of Prison he will be going to a rehab and knows that if he ever chooses drugs over his family again that I will be gone forever & he will have no contact with our son ever again! I love my husband with every bone in my body and he knows that. His addiction to that powerful drug just made him into a horrible person but he now realized that his life isn't for a drug filled life that he is better than that. God saved his life of drugs & God has big plans for my husband & also Him being in Prison saved our marriage & family b/c it was going down the wrong road! All I have to tell you is that your husband needs to show you that he doesnt want a life filled with drugs. There is some much we can do to try to save somebody that sometimes just doesn't want to be saved! Just keep praying to God thats really all you can do!! Good luck

thank G-d you noticed...talk to his mom..

are you also concerned because the mom is your mom's best friend...

it is commming from your heart, and that will help you speak...because, you know the hell of drugs...

it is awesome you are responding to his drug issue....

you know they say, it takes a village to raise a child...

pm me if you want to talk, or need help on how to say it...i am goood at that...i once had to in a child abuse situation...my neighbors...it was the dad to his 2 and 3 year old when the mom left...she appreciated me gently talking with her with what i thought was happening...she made excuses, and explanations...
who knows she may come out of denial...it at least planted the seed..

much peace and love
francis

I THINK YOU SHOULD SIT HIM DOWN AND LET TELL HIM HOW YOU FEEL. HE MAY JUST OPEN UP TO YOU

hey, Dre's lady...that is a good thought...
how old is this boy?

I was married for almost 20years and my husband started making meth. He hit what I thought was his "rock bottom" several times and finally me and my oldest son turned him in. He got probation and started making again in less than 6mo. This time, he got careless and got busted on his own. I divorced him. The divorce and the thought of losing his family not to mention the prison time he is serving now, has made him wake up to what he has been doing to his life and ours. Just because I divorced him does not mean I dont love him. I always will love him and will stand beside him when he gets out and offer him all the support he needs, even if he has to come back to live with me. I just wonder if he is really serous this time or will I be going down that same road with him somewhere down the line? Only time will tell. I think you have done the right thing. But he wont stay off drugs until he is ready to see what they have done to him and his family.

As a formerly active PTO member, I haven't had the strength to post lately...until now.

My husband has been battling addiction for about fifteen-years...he went to jail for fourteen months because of it and was released this past March...he started taking his painpills again in April and just yesterday returned home to us from a month long detox in Florida.

His mind is clear and he is full of hope for a fresh start to our marriage and life together with our son.

I am full of worry, fear about the future and possibly...false hope. As the dedicated, faithful and loyal wife of an addict, this part if so hard to play...the future is full of uncertainties. I asked him what is different about this time...he says, "Yes, I have been to a dozen other detox/rehabs, but I never completed them and didn't want to...I want this more than anything and I want my family"...I SO want to believe him and have faith in his words, the words we exchanged on our wedding day were sincere and I adhere to them, but my heart and our sons has suffered immeasurable amounts and our trust has been broken repeatedly. My husband and I are going to take advantage of marriage counseling, daily NA meeting for him and substance abuse counseling for him also. I hope that this helps and keeps him clean and strong.

There is nothing wrong with having hope and desperately wanting to believe as long as effort is visibly seen and felt by the families left behind by addiction and the addicts that it clings to...

Thank you for posting this...I needed to read these stories to remind myself that I am not suffering alone.

well i must say i have walked in your shoes not once but twice and this time my hubby is doing a year the first time i turned him in he did 2 years. but i know the pain of loving someone unconditionally and watching them destroy themselves with drugs. my hubby is a heroin addict who has almost od'ed several times and i knew that prison was the only way to keep him alive. i have went as far as callin the cops to have him picked up in my home while our 1 yr old daughter slept. i feel the same his drug use must stop and i have vowed since the day i fell in love with him to help him becaues he has been clean for years at a time and is a great man. if you ever want to talk amy send me a message i have been on alot of the boards here just looking to find someone that can relate to me and the pain i go through. take care and you are in my prayers

I well be glad to talk to you regarding drugs..I understand 100 % what you are going thru..Just PM me......minnie :cool: ..If you need to talk I'm here on this site alot...

I can relate.His drug addiction is what split us up many years ago.I can only have faith and pray that now that we have a second chance(We are not married) at us and he sees where drugs got him (2 years in prison) that he will stay clean as he has said he wants to do once he is free.I love him and don't want to be without him BUT drugs are not something I will allow in my life.I guess I won't know for sure what he will do with his life until he is home.I think you are a strong woman for doing what you did.Honestly I don't know if I could do that but I know that I can't be with him if he goes back to drugs.

I've been in recovery since 1985 and I've seen so much in that time, including having lost my husband to a fatal heroin overdose. I can tell you this:

If you're really, really serious about helping him to stay clean and sober, you need to follow that up with action. You need to get involved with Alanon or Naranon because otherwise, your patterns of thinking and coping that could tip him back into his old behavior patterns will remain. Through dealing with addicted people, we have some of their sickness rub off on us. I know how adamantly you may feel that it's HIS problem and not your own, but if you go to one of the programs, you'll learn in what ways you've also needed the 12 step program's help to learn how to live differently so as to help him stay on his path of recovery and most effectively take care of yourself, too. Sometimes, as in my case, even that isn't going to be enough, but without it there wouldn't even have been the few times of real progress for my husband in all the years we were together. I regret that I didn't get past my own denial and use the "anon" programs for spouses more myself in my early years of recovery. You can't get him clean and sober but you can do this much to help him and yourself. If you won't at least admit the possibility that a 12-step program might help you and give it an open-minded try, then it's possible that you don't have what it takes to walk through life with a drug addict or alcoholic. I'm not saying that to be snide. I'm saying it because it's a very hard road. It's the hardest and most heart-breaking experience I've ever had, but I'm so thankful I was able to use the other 12-step programs so that I could love him unconditionally, not enable him, and stay with him all the way, because he was also the love of my life and there were so many beautiful experiences that I would have missed if I hadn't had the other programs to help me hang in there in the most healthy and helpful way for both of us.

I've been sober over 19 years and worked with and been around hundreds of people in and out of recovery. I wouldn't steer you wrong.

Hang in there, it was a tough decision but I definately back it, I have 3 years clean myself and what had to happen to me was not prison... but if it hadn't happened I would still think I had controll over it. Utter despiration is a gift.

Hey, Hey, Hey!!!! This is the first time i have ever visited this forum, and I must say "Why didn't I go here before"? My Chris is a meth addict. He is in a drug boot camp prison. So I am a victim of the meth world!!!! I sure wish there was a way to end the drugs in this world, unfortunatly we can't. If any of you ever wanna chat PM me sometime. GREAT FORUM!!! (((HUGS))) to All of YOU!!!:thumbsup:

Amy, I am right where you are, 'cept it's my son. He's 29 and serving time for Probation Violation. He has been in drug re-hab and mental facilities so many times I lost count. He would start back using immediately after being released. I have been through hell with my son. I had him committed over and over again. I have literally chased him down and physically took drugs and needles from him. I have headed him off at the pharmacy on several occaisions...and snatched the prescription right out of his hand. I found his needles and hidden stache many many times. Once I knocked him down and sat on him at the ER till I got the scrip from him. Just like I always told him that I might not can STOP him, but I can sure as hell make his life a nightmare.
When he finally resorted to burglary to support his habit...he went to jail and then to court. The judge was very lenient, gave him probation and restitution.
He STILL would not stop using. He tested positive continually and didn't pay fines, and finally quit reporting to PO. His drug addiction alienated all friends and family. I am the only human being that still sticks by him. I was so scrared of losing him and just knew he would surely die in prison. I played the system for 2 years, keeping him in re-habs and mental facilities to avoid prison. Oh, he learned how to play it well. When he was out...I walked the floors, I went looking for him, I called every hospital and ER. I had the same nightmare over and over....that when the call came, I would have to go identify my son's cold lifeless body with the needle still in his arm.
So you see, my son ran out of resources. There was no other alternative....Prison was inevitable. It still rips my heart to shreds everytime I see him in that place. At least HE'S ALIVE. I feel so guilty when I sit down to a nourshing meal...I find it hard to enjoy when he has nothing but boiled eggs and baloney.
I feel guilty when I can sleep in a comfortable bed and with cool A/C and he has none.
I'm not even sure if he will continue to use after this. I just know that I shall always love him, and I will never turn my back on him. I can't say that I will not turn him in...and I'll never condemn anyone else...we do whatever it takes to keep them alive.
I'm right here with you.
C Mom

C-mom,

welcome to the Drug and Alcohol forum. I had to read this post more than once because when I got to the part of having to identify your son's cold and lifeless body, my heart fell...I read on and was thankful that this time it's not him...
Very powerful message mom..and I think most of us who have ever loved an addict has been through similar things. I can relate to calling the hospitals and jail, and sanitariums. As far as allowing it around me, because of my own recovery from drug and alcohol abuse, I can't have it around me..I am not strong enough to combat it..just me personally and it does not mean I don't care, it only simply means my kids and my recovery are too precious a gift.
Yes, he's back in jail..just got sent to SQ on the 12th after spending just 6 days in county. I thank god he's still alive even if it means him being locked up..and If i could I would drag him to treatment again, but see no amount of begging, pleading, threats, promises to be gone forever, doesn't get an addict clean...and so for now, prison might not be club med, but it's a whole lot better then what it could have been if he had continued down that path. I also thank god I don't have to tell his 16 month old son, that his father the one he don't know, when he's old enough to understand, is dead, or spending the rest of his life in prison. And I am also grateful I listened to my own instincts and would not let him near him without supervision, because it makes me sick to think what would have happened to little david when they raided the house, my son would most likely be in foster care and I would be charged with failure to protect, and the judge would not be pleased one bit..for someone who works in the field of addiction and is clean and sober...It makes me sick!!
anyway powerful post and good to have you here.

Daa, as an addict in recovery i can only admire your strong stand. Although i didnt end up in prison (thank god) it did come close...Those 3 yeas when i was on probation i prayed and prayed to be successful, i will never know how i made it through except for the strength given me from Creator and the constant support of NA/AA. Do you got to al anon meetings at all? and your husband? does he go to the NA/AA meetings... i hated them, but i knew it was what was going to get me thru..

take good care, hang tuff...

welcome to the drug and alcohol forum. Good to have you here. :wave:

Does your husband blame you? With him in prison are you guys together still? My husband blames me, but I love him unconditionally, for better or worse, until death do us part! He was my first love and only love, I wont give up on 20 years together and three children that love their father, we all just want our life back.

Will he ever see the truth, so we can stop this pain and misery? Praying that day will come soon.

Never giving up

He doesn't blame me at all. He knows it was a hard decision for me and it was not done out of anger. Both times I turned him in he was so far into his binge that he thought he was going to die. He was begging me to help him and still smoking upwards of $600 - $1000 worth of crack a day. He was completely out of control. He would call me dailey from whatever hotel he was in crying and saying he was going to die but he couldn't stop. I did the only thing I felt I could do. I'm not proud of it but I still have my husband. He's very thankfull for what I did. He would have died and he knows it.

If your struggling with a decision like this you should know that both times he was locked up it took about 2-3 months before he really became himself again. Don't give up on them if they aren't themselves after being locked up and clean for a week or two. Their head will eventually clear and your loved one will come back and act like himself. That's when it's the hardest to see them in prison. They just don't seem to belong there. But if you hadn't turned them in you wouldn't have the opportunity to see them again in any way other than an addict.

My man was using heroin before he got locked up. I truely feel that if he hadn't gotten locked up when he did, he wouldn't be here today. He was getting really bad and yes, it takes time for them to become themselves again. He has been clean for a year now and he's back to being his old self, the man he was when we first got together. I know we're gonna have some hard times when he gets out, hopefully he can stay clean. I do have faith in him. It is an addiction he is going to have to deal with the rest of his life.

Please forgive my lack of knowledge, but what is drug boot camp prison?
C Mom

After reading this intresting and challenging post.. and it's responses.. it proves that we all have our own opinions.. and views.. which makes this site great..
Ditto with toi amo again.. and again.. and sunnie..
and c mom.. bless your heart..
from my own experience.. sometimes jail/prison can help/scare straight.. or it doesn't its a disease.. and it 's fatal.. cunning, baffling and very powerfull.. when your on the s@@@ prison doesn't scare you neither does death.. actually you may welcome death..
Check out your local alanon/naranon meetings in your area.. get that "detach with love " thing going on.. and a black belt in your own recovery maybe he'll see the change in you.. i am praying for you .. and your husband it is a very tough road..

Peace
Donna

Amy,

Many of us are in the same boat as you are you said you “I'm not proud of it but I still have my husband. He's very thankful for what I did. He would have died and he knows it. Amy you should be very proud of what you did it takes a lot to make a choose like that it takes a lot of LOVE to do that and for that you should be proud. My husband had lost his mind with the drugs he did not care about anything or anyone all he cares about was getting high. I thank god everyday for him going to prison god has saved his life once again you know if he had not gotten arrest I would be a widow with two sons and no husband nor father for my sons. I have prayed a lot for god to open his eyes and he has the man I see now is the man that I knew and had missed for more than 2 years. But you know I never stop loving him and up to this day I still love him. So Amy you be strong and hang in there it is better to have a husband at is live and in prison than to have a husband of is die. I know there are some people who say I would never do this to my man well maybe they are the lucky ones who do not have to go thru this hell that they put us thru. I real woman will always prospect your love ones even if it means they have to go to prison. Sometimes that is the only way out and the only way to saves them. Keep your head up and always be proud of what you do if it is in the name of LOVE. LOL ladies.

You did the right thing. He will thank you for saving his life someday. maybe he isnt getting the treatment he needs in prison. i hope things work out for you!! GOOD LUCK

Ok I'm sure there are ladies in here that have had boyfriends/husbands with drug addictions, right? Well me and my husband have been together for almost 4 years and the two years that we were together before he got locked up he had a serious problem with smoking crack and shooting up. I have told him that I don't want to be around that anymore and that I have our son to think about now. Well I received a letter from him today and from the way he was writing I could tell he was mad because he says it's an illness he has (well I know that) and that I'm suppose to be there to help him out when and if he ever goes back to doing that. I've told him that he's been without it for the past two years so why go back to it when he gets
out.. I know it's easier said than done but I think that if he really cared about his family and really wanted to change like he says he does then why go back to his old habits. He says that I should be by his side to help him fight this illness of his and that's something I'm willing to do. Then he tells me to decide on if I still want to be with him and to let him know. Of course I still want to be with him but I'm scared of going back to that life with him now that we have a son. I guess what I'm trying to ask is.....Is there anything you girlfriends/wives can tell me on how to deal with this? I'm so confused.................

I'm glad I saw some recent posts on this. I wanted to talk but didn't want to post on an inactive thread. I have went through the same thing. My fiance has been battling drug addicition since he was 12 yrs old, crack cocaine. He is back in prison now and I'm glad. It hurts everyday to miss him, but at least he's alive. I wish I had made the decsion you did to turn him in earlier. I was 7 months pregnant with our ason when his habit escalated again. I kept telling myself we would do something after the baby was born. I was so selfish and wanted him there. After I had my son, I got scared and went home to my parents thinking that wiould make him want help. Instead, it gave me room to blame myself. After a week, I went back, scared that he would end up dead if I didn't. That didn't help either. My son was less than 5 weeks old when his father was shot 3 times and godfather was shot 5 times, two in the head. My fiance was ok, his best friend will never be the same. He has the mentality of a fourth grader. He had to learn to walk and talk and will never be independant. And I have to live with the fact that at 5 weeks old, I could have lost my son's father and the love of my life forever. How would I have explained that to my son? Is jail ever the answer? NO. But sometimes its the only way to seperate them from the problem and keep them alive long enough for them to find help. If I had it to do all over again, I would have had him committed while I was still pregnant and if that didn't work, you had better believe I'd have done anything I had to to get him off the streets, including jail.

He doesn't blame me at all. He knows it was a hard decision for me and it was not done out of anger. Both times I turned him in he was so far into his binge that he thought he was going to die. He was begging me to help him and still smoking upwards of $600 - $1000 worth of crack a day. He was completely out of control. He would call me dailey from whatever hotel he was in crying and saying he was going to die but he couldn't stop. I did the only thing I felt I could do. I'm not proud of it but I still have my husband. He's very thankfull for what I did. He would have died and he knows it.

If your struggling with a decision like this you should know that both times he was locked up it took about 2-3 months before he really became himself again. Don't give up on them if they aren't themselves after being locked up and clean for a week or two. Their head will eventually clear and your loved one will come back and act like himself. That's when it's the hardest to see them in prison. They just don't seem to belong there. But if you hadn't turned them in you wouldn't have the opportunity to see them again in any way other than an addict.


Just something to add along those lines. I know the first time I was with CR and he got so strung out I had his dad file a mental health warrant. 1st he said hed get help. then he changed his mind. one minute he was crying and the next he was ready to choke me out. The day of his hearing he called me a b and everything under the sun. The hate and anger in his eyes and tone was straight out of a horror flick. But, that was still the drugs talking. It takes a while. Within a week or so he was calling me and not long after that he realized why i did it and was thankful. Point is, half of the stuff he said, even days after, he didn't remeber cause it had such a hold on him. The first bit will be rough, but hang in there, because when they get their ming straight they will see why you did it. wouldn't you want someone to help you and expect someone you care about to do everything they could to save you?

I have a two year old son and I have learned to judge my actions on one thing: can I look him inh the eyes and tell him I did everything in my power to help his daddy. I know I can't make him better, but I have to do whatever is in my power to provide him with love and support and a place to succeed if thats what he choses. Even when its the hardest choice to make. My heart goes out to all of you all. This is a pain that is so deep and a part of us forever, successes and failures. We all need each others support, cause no one can understand unless they have been waiting up for days at a time, not knowing what phone call is coming - wanting news, but not wanting the phone to ring.

I noticed that this thread is a little old. (back dated) But the issue is very much the here and now. I have read the responses and like many others, I agree with the decision daa0414 made. I grew up in the home of a loving alcoholic father. My Daddy tried to give us the world when the only thing we wanted was a sober Dad. All those years of drinking, never attending a AA/NA class, never really asking no one to help him with his addiction, never even admitting he had a problem, he found his self in the hospital for a complete physical and the doctors told him they found a spot on his liver, that would eventually sooner than later kill him if he continued to drink. My daddy left that hospital and never drank again, and that was 16 years ago. But do you know how my daddy got over that? He turned to God. He placed his life in God's hands. He knew we couldn't help him, he knew he couldn't do it alone so he found a stronger source and it worked. I know that the drug is a little different, because I can relate the two (my childrens father is on crack), but the solution is very much the same it all depends upon the individual. Like with my husband, who has been an addict for about 12 years now, he knows the grace of God, but his drug of choice seems to blind him to the fact. He has lost the respect of all of his children, and the only time he looks like he is going to make a go of his life is when he is in prison. I couldn't help him, I mean I tried for about 2 years, and it was HARD!!!!! It was so hard, I wanted to die. I cried soo many tears, I paid for him to go to 2 rehab centers, I watched him destroy our lives behind that stuff. Eventually, I packed up and I left. I loved him but I hated him even more, for what he had done to our little family. I refused to allow him to destroy my kids with the lies and deceit. So I moved on. I never stopped him from seeing them, I never talked him down to them, and most of all I have let them know that he is there dad, even though his life is not his own. A lot of his decisions are made based on his addiction. Back then, I really didn't know what he had gotten his self into but I did know that I didn't want to give up our (me and the kids) happiness to live in cracks shadow. Because as long as he uses, everybody and everything will come second. I know this sounds harsh, but the man I fell in love with, the father that my kids know only exists when he's in prison/jail.
My heart goes out to anyone dealing with an addict, but don't forfeit your happiness.:no: And I applaud all of you out there that took your life back, continue to remain strong and strive to be happy and CLEAN!!!:thumbsup:
Sorry I've written too much.
mm4ever

This right here tells me you don't really UNDERSTAND this is an ILLNESS
I think that if he really cared about his family and really wanted to change like he says he does then why go back to his old habits
Its not that easy! Addiction takes over your mind. When I see beer my mouth literally WATERS okay. When I think about smoking crank, there something PHYSICAL that happens to my body. I get sweats, chills, my heart races, I begin to think about how GOOD it will feel, forgetting that if I do it, I will lose EVERYTHING! The disease tells you that you can handle it THIS time. That THIS TIME you won't get hurt, hurt others, no one will find out.

The best way to help HIM, is to help YOURSELF. You cannot do anything for him to stop him from using. And for him to say to you that you need to help him tells me he too doesn't really understand the nature of the disease. Only HE can save himself.

You can go to Alanon, work your program and maybe he will follow. But in order to sustain recovery, he needs clean and sober and conquere that on his OWN!

Couldn't have said it better impoohbearsgirl. I do fine without drinking but if I have a few and then a few more it becomes more important than anyone, including my children. You'll know your limits and you have to put your child first. Do what is best for your child and you.

i agree with impoohbearsgirl!! she is so right! my hubby has been addicted to heroin our whole relationship and every time he slips i am there to help him get back on his feet and it is a tiring situation. but if it's true love then you will get yourself some help in dealing with this and then hopefully he follows. he has to make up his own mind to stay clean there is nothing you can do or say because when they get high it's not about who they are hurting it's about the high. stay strong girl and if you ever want to talk pm me.

I turned my husband into his PO and asked, BEGGED for a 90 day dryout so he wouldn't pick up a new case and they wouldn't do a frigging thing.


I couldn't stand it anymore. My husband would use and be gone 3-4 days at a time, w/ no contact with us. I was pregnant and I couldn't hang. It wasn't the DRUGS, it was what he did while ON them. I can handle him loaded, I just couldn't deal w/ waking up at 2am and him being gone. Or going for milk and not coming home for half a week.

During the marriage I didn't use. I did however after the marriage start getting loaded myself and it TORE ME UP. Stay true to YOURSELF and if you're not getting what YOU NEED, get out. I know that's easy to say and that feelings are tied up in there, but if he isn't giving it his ALL and really making an effort, why should you? My husband talked the talk but NEVER walked the walk.

Thank you ladies for everything you told me. I really love my husband and I'm willing to stand by his side and help him through this when it gets rough.

Sarah,

I am so sorry you are going through this....addicts have a way of trying to make the people in thier life feel very guilty, don't they?

My former husband is still in prison....for what this time, I don't know....but, he smoked crack, meth, cocaine...then would give me the same line...I had my son to think about.....and I figured that if my ex really WANTED to stop, he would!.......you are worth more than that, and so is your child.....addiction is an illness, BUT it is not an excuse for starting up again.....there is help if he wants...maybe you can be the light he needs...BUT he needs to be open to your help and not blame you for using again.....It sounds like you really love him and I appaud your eagerness to stand by him.....
Hang in there and keep posting.....stay strong....

:thumbsup: ko

I am sorry to hear that you are going through this!! Addiction sucks. I was a heroin addict for 2 years...and I put it infront of everything!!! Nothing mattered except getting high. I understand that you don't know why he would go back...but once he is out and has to deal with life's stresses and go back to where he lived and old friends...he will have to be really strong not to go back. I have know people that have been clean for 10 to 30 years...that end up going back for some reason!! Some just fall off the wagon...some go back and never get the chance to return!! I wish you and your man the best. You have to realize that an addiction is a lifelong illness!! Hugs:p
-Jackie

As a formerly active PTO member, I haven't had the strength to post lately...until now.

My husband has been battling addiction for about fifteen-years...he went to jail for fourteen months because of it and was released this past March...he started taking his painpills again in April and just yesterday returned home to us from a month long detox in Florida.

His mind is clear and he is full of hope for a fresh start to our marriage and life together with our son.

I am full of worry, fear about the future and possibly...false hope. As the dedicated, faithful and loyal wife of an addict, this part if so hard to play...the future is full of uncertainties. I asked him what is different about this time...he says, "Yes, I have been to a dozen other detox/rehabs, but I never completed them and didn't want to...I want this more than anything and I want my family"...I SO want to believe him and have faith in his words, the words we exchanged on our wedding day were sincere and I adhere to them, but my heart and our sons has suffered immeasurable amounts and our trust has been broken repeatedly. My husband and I are going to take advantage of marriage counseling, daily NA meeting for him and substance abuse counseling for him also. I hope that this helps and keeps him clean and strong.

There is nothing wrong with having hope and desperately wanting to believe as long as effort is visibly seen and felt by the families left behind by addiction and the addicts that it clings to...

Thank you for posting this...I needed to read these stories to remind myself that I am not suffering alone.


You don't suffer alone. I'm glad he is home and will keep you in my prayers. I pray every night that God will heal my sweeties addiction and make him whole. I will say that prayer for all of us. The hardest part of all of this for me is what you said. hoping and being afraid to hope. having to stay strong but still waiting for the shoe to drop again. if I ever doubted he wanted to change, I would leave him in a heartbeat. But he doesn't want to be high any more than I want that for him. Its a disease that breaks so many hearts, but when you love him you have to have hope. And with God remember nothing is impossible.

Sweetie, prison may not be the answer as some have pointed out, but as being the mother of an addict, I KNOW that prison is better than having them on the street killing themselves or someone else.

Try your best to get the courts to send him to a year to eighteen month program that is christian based. My son was in the county jail for five months, looking at 15 years in prison for mfg. crystal meth. He was court ordered to go to a rehab facility, one that we chose and got him accepted to. This rehab counseling is straight from the Bible and The Purpose Driven Life. It has helped him remarkably. He has been saved and baptised and has married the mother of his only chld. This rehab with God's help has changed my son tremendously. This is a man who while in the county jail didnt believe in God, so miracles to happen. Good luck to you and know that you are admired for saying you will not walk out on him and divorce him. You sound a lot like my daughter in law. Good people. Bless you

Need help! My brother got sentenced 10 years and served 5 for a drug related crime...he has been out 1 year and has just went back for check forgery in order to get money to support his habit. He is wanting help to stop the drug addiction....is there anywhere I can get help for him....self help material....anything. I feel so helpless and I he needs help.:(

Big sister 45,
I dont know the answer to your question, but I wanted to say I am sorry to hear about him going back into the drugs and that I said a prayer for yall. And also to Weclome you to PTO. Someone will be along soon to let you know what you want to know. Take care and keep your head up.

Big sister- check out Narcotics Anonymous- NA website.....
If you type in drugs, drug addiction, crack, heroin, etc you will get a ton of information and websites! If you need anything, pm me ok? I will find whatever I can for you!!!

He may need more than just NA.....while its a great program, its more like"maintenance" and he may need "treatment!" I would contact the drug and alcohol services (some thru the hospitals) in your area. I'd be willing to help you find that information if you PM me your City and State (or that of your brothers if it differs!)

A lot of people in prison are there for the "getting and using and finding ways and means to get more!"

I met my husband New Years 01. I didnt know about his problem. He was a drug addict. At first he was into Meth really bad. We did not talk for 4 months and then one day my brither brought him to my house. He seemed really sweet and we ended up spending alot of time together. We got together June 13 2001. The relationship it self was great. We both had good jobs and we were very happy. Christmas 2001 Jamey proppsed to me. I said Yes because I thought he was the one. January 2002 I found out I was pregnant...things where getting better by the minute .... or were they.....
A few months went by and Jamey lost his job. I had recently quit my job because I was placed on high risk and was not allowed to work. Jamey started disappearing for hour at a time.... at first I didint think about it until the one day I was folding laundry and a needle fell out of his pants. I freaked I didint know what to do so I confronted him. He told me it was a friends of his and they were diabetic and didnt have pockets. I diidnt think nothing of it. A few weeks went by and he would get worse at his disappearing acts. Not only hours now but days also. He met a guy from Lebanon and they ended up getting a job together.... He had a really good job now I thought he would change meaning we would be having a baby anyday now. But they didnt...
I remeber the day exactly...August 26th 2002 , I woke up by the attic door closing.... I got up and snuck upstairs and I caught him red handed...ticking that needle in his arm. I wanted to die I didnt know what to do so I screamed.... Here I am 9 months pregnant and he is doing heroin. That night I went into labor.... He stayed home with me all that day..... and went to the hospital with me. We had a little girl at 8:29pm August 27th 2002. Now what am I to do....
Jamey I thought changed...the first month was great he was home all the time didnt go anywhere but to work and then home again. We got married October 12, 2003.
Then he met up with one of his friends he grew up with. Life changed from there. Jamey wouldnt come home at night until 3 am, always lied ot me....He eventually lost his job.... Jamey got into heroin really bad... I tryed everything to get him off of it. I got his parents involved and counslers but nothing worked. September 2003 Jamey robbed 2 banks...his heroin habit got to much for him and he couldnt afford it anymore so the banks was his last option.
I had no clue he robbed the banks, he changed his appearance and everything....until one day the paper printed out scetches of my husband.... October 14, 2003, I was home with our 14 month old daughter....About 11:30pm there was a knock on the door and it was 2 police officers and a Detective.....with a search warrant.... They would not tell me anything just Jamey was a suspect and they needed to search our house. I left them in. About an hour later Jmaey called me from the Lebanon County Prison...All he could say was he was sorry...... and that he loved me and his daughter....
Jamey was sentenced to 13-30 years max in Huntington County Prison. His daughter isnt allowed to go see him at all. The last time me or my daughter seen my husband was in Febuary 2004. We write each other often. I am still debating on what i want to do....Do I want to stay by him for he is my husband and I do love him and he is the father to my only child. Or do I move on?.......I guess only time will tell......:confused:

Welcome to PTO!!!
Very touching!!!

First off...I am sooooo sorry this happened to you and your daughter. Now I can tell you my experience with heroin. My best friend is currently incarcerated because of his addiction. Heroin is the hardest drug to quick. It is like quitting cigs. Most will tell you once a smoker always a smoker...even if you quite you still crave it and you have to fight the urge. It is the same with heroin. I have seen my friend in and out of jail for years now. He would be clean for a year at times and one night was all it took. One needle to the arm and that was it. I have to tell you that he is getting released soon and even he is afraid to come home due to temptation. Now if your husband really wants to quite it is very possible, but he has to want it with all of his being. he can't do it for you, your child, or anyone else. Him and him only. Now also be very open minded in this situation. Just because he is in jail doesnt mean he is clean. They can and do get drugs in there...so watch for all the signs you saw at home. i am not trying to tell you he won't change because it is possible, but at the same time this may always be a battle. Stay strong...and i wish you and your daughter the best.

I do not know what to tell you except this. I have never known a heroin user. But I know it's a very addicting drug. Why don't you just wait till he gets out, and then if he goes back to it, then do something. And let him know NOW that you are NOT going to stay if he does. And be persistant with this with him. Don't let up, be sure to remind him often. This will give him time to realize this. You do not need to live in this, niether does your baby. I have been with drug abusers, and they absoultly can stop using. It is just extremely hard. I will keep all 3 of you in my prayers, and God bless, Peace Sonya :)

Renita, I sent you a pm about this.

thank you for that little if i was not facing a crisis i would take the steps you have so bravely taken i hope i can print this out and stick it on my bedroom door as a reminder of something that has to be done, and as hard as its going to be with people like you who take the time to write such a long and touching letter i salute you, take my hat off to you. god will continue to bless you and your children especially that pretty baby.

You have so much to be proud of. You have the strength and determination that I wish my son had. I know it must have been extremely painful to leave your loved one. I know that is the only way you will survive.

My sons wife recently divorced him due to the same thing. I understand completely. I also know it is best for my son as she herself has a problem with narcotic pain meds (percocet/oxycontin). These are meds for a chronic pain ailment that she has and is certainly entitled to take them. However for an addict those meds were 1 pill away from heroin which is exactly what happened. I love my daughter in law dearly and we remain very close though not physically as she has moved from the area. But she knew Eric was a heroin addict for 10 years and even visited during his first prison term.I could not understand wanting to have a child with a heroin addict even if he was my son. And I certainly voiced my concerns when they decided to marry.

When released on parole he again went back on heroin and was so strung out right before he went back in he was hardly human. 3 weeks after going back to prison he was notified that he was to be a father. He got out two months after his daughters birth. He was the sole caregiver to the baby for the first year.His wife worked parttime and was bedridden from chronic pain when home. I watched my granddaughter in the evening so that he could go to school. He mananged to get himself on the deans list for that semester and then his world crashed.

He did so well for that year but I could tell the stress was too much. He told us he was really struggling and we could not help him except to be there. They lived with me. Soon he began taking the percodan that his wife kept in their bedroom. And soon he was back on heroin.

So while I love my daughter in law and my granddaughter. There are certain people that are better apart. I wish it was different but we all know that an addict must remain clear of all drugs. Unfortunately he is determined to get his family back. I can only advise, it is his decision and hers. I imagine it will be about a year before he's back in prison again..

So While I know it was hard I think you did good..real good. Your kids have a mom and you have a life. God Bless.........

I am a song writer and poet, and I have teamed up with a very wonderful lady who writes some very wonderful addictions poetry to produce a book, and hopefully I can get this book in every prison system in the United States. I am recovery from my addictions, as well as my partner, and I have very strong faith that this book will benefit our incarcerated loved ones. I will soon share some of our works, and I have posted a couple of my addictions poems on this site for every one to see my intentions on reaching out to help all of our loved ones. My partner is going to sign up here also and I think if we all pull together on this that we can make a wonderful difference on keeping our loved ones on the straight and narrow. Please check out my threads, as there will be much more to come to help benefit our loved ones incarcerated as well as the members of this site. I thank you all for your time and I will keep all of your loved ones in my prayers.

Sincerely

Donald Minix

Welcome to PTO! We will be very happy to have your input, and you will find a lot of creative energy around here:)

Welcome To Pto, This Sounds Great, Good Luck

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SUNNIE
DRUG & ALCOHOL TREATMENT & REHABILITATION
FORUM MODERATOR

Hi Im new here my bf is doing his 2nd bid upstate at SCI Huntingdon thankfull he has never got a drug charge but all of his crimes are due to his addiction, but non the less he is an addict his drugs of choice are crack & dope and Im scared to death he'll never stop so hoping to find some support here we still have a ways to go!

Welcome, bitterdestiny, and I hope you find strength and support from this group. Recovered alky here enjoying the wonders of recovery. Stay strong!

Welcome to PTO and this forum !!

Hi Everyone!!

We would like to get to know each of you and welcome you to our forum:thumbsup:

Thank you very much for coming and if you need anything at all please feel free to ask and or pm any one of the staff here.

Love from the PTO staff here in the Drug and Alcohol Treatment & Rehabilitation Forum and again welcome all!!:D

Witchlinblue-Moderator
Shelby-RA

Hello to all not new here at PTO but to this forum, I have just figured out this I am addicted to vicodin. Started taking them after a car accident in 10/04 and stoped only a few days ago thinking this cant be good for me the first day was ok but that night holly molly no sleep cant eat stomache pains headache cold chills hot flashes well the next day i did go to work sick And i mean sick the next couple of days have been ok but today as i sit at work i feel its hard to breath body aches any advise how to easy the pain with my meds??

Welcome Kaalilsis and glad to hear you are off those pain killers. You are almost over the worst of it and you will feel pretty close to normal after two weeks have passed but the first 3 -5 days are the worst. Your vicodin post has some replies.

Welcome to the forum! :)

Hi. My husband voilated his probation when our son was 5 weeks old. Well, that's when his PO showed up at our house and found his >.5 oz. of weed. Anyway, he's been sentenced to long term A&D. His tentative graduation date is June 23rd. He's at Parchman Mississippi.

Happy New Years everyon.
R

Welcome to PTO 'R' and very glad you found us. You dont have too much longer to wait and hopefully PTO will help it slide past quickly.
Happy new year to you too !!

Hello!! I have been drug free for almost 22 years.

I don't know if I was ever really an addict, but I was around addicts enough to know that drugs weren't for me. While I have not done any drugs, it seems the co-dependancy issues remain and I kept picking life partners with drug problems.

Thank goodness for PTO and the D&A Moderators for creating the Co-Dependancy Issues sub-forum. I am learning a lot about myself and how to get out of this cycle.

Thank you!!

JJT

Hi, I am in love with an alcoholic, he is my Fiance. We met 8 years ago, and have had some rocky patches, we have always ended up back together. I have left enough times I have stopped counting.
I always thought if he loved me he wouldnt do these things to me, but the things he was doing, was also hurting his family and I knew he loved them. It has taken me awhile to get to where I am today, and I know the road doesnt end here, there are going to many days ahead where I am going to need strength to get through this. My fiance is doing his 2nd bid for DUI, the first time he was down for a year, the 2nd time he received 2-5, he has 7 1/2 months left on his ERD. So its getting closer to the day he comes home. I got scared the last time he came home, and left him when he received parole, but was back there for him,when he was released.
I am starting to feel those fears again, since its getting closer to his ERD, but I wont leave this time. I truly love this man with all my heart, I just need to find the strength to get through this hard time before his release, it starts becoming all a reality when it gets closer to his release date.

Daphne

hello everyone i'm new to this my son is in Farmington treatment center an it seems like it is forever.He has only been their since the end of December.But i have not got to see him since Thankgiving.

Welcome Daphne and Corey's-mom. We hope you find support here and very glad you found us (hugs)

Hello all... I am Jennifer, I have battled a severe meth addiction for 10 years and now have a year clean. Meth was not my only addiction... I guess you could say I am addicted to anything that is mood or mind altering, LOL.

I stumbled onto PTO when I googled, "Bryan prison camp"... I was searching for info on the federal women's camp there because I am looking at some time and that will more than likely be my future destination. Not only did I get all my qestions answered on that subject when I found this site, I also learned about this particular forum and was so excited to find a place to read about and discuss addiction/related issues.

I'd like to let the mods know what a wonderful job you are doing and I'd also like to tell the regular posters how wonderful and truly informative your posts are. This whole forum is a blessing. Thanks!

Welcome to PTO Jennifer and congratulations on a full year clean !!!

Hi my 38 yr old son is in a NJ jail for DUI.
He had been under house arrest for a DUI a year ago and had not had a drink for over a year, then his wife left him and he began again. He was on parole.
He was to be in court on Jan 30 for a DUI but took off to NJ he says to commit suicide since he got fired and lost his wife and girls, he was picked up and arrested. He is there for 6 months and then being brought back to Pa for the other DUI. His parole would have been over on Feb 6. He was arrested on the 2nd.

I was not aware that he had such a drinking problem because he did not drink all the time, plus he is a real smooth talker. Tells Ma just what he knows she wants to hear.

Well Ma is wise to him and his ways now, Al-anon is a great help
Glad I found this site

Welcome to PTO Peaceseeker !!!
Im very glad you found Al-anon and that you have gotten wise to the lies of an addict. I know that no son wants to tell his mum things that will hurt but he will be a lot better off now that you know the truth.
Is he still feeling suicidal ? I hope not.
Prayers are with you and your son!!

Hello, I'm in love with someone addicted to crystal meth. He's already got a strike and is facing another one and more (the are threatening to strike him out) from his last round. I left him almost a year ago, when he started back up after 3 years clean, I met him 6 months outside of his last prision term at that point (same issue). In the past 10 months, he's back back to jail twice and on his way back to prision no matter what the final outcome is. Already serving 1yr 5mo on probation violations and facing 12 years on the rest of charges. The amazing thing is this is how we hooked back up recently after our long silence. He called me for help for the first time, I spent three days with him, trying to divert what I saw was coming, and failed. Had the kiss of a lifetime that morning, we wasn't even physically intimate during those three days, I was being his "friend" the love and connection was still there, that night he went on a blind rage run and got arrested for 4 felony's and 11 misds. I'm standing beside him, supporting him, and watching him seek a program for the first time since I have knew him. This is why i'm here. To offer support, and to see all of you with bigger issues than mine, as well as not feeling so alone as I walk this road with him again. He was in wasco last time, and they are sending him back there again in April.

Welcome DWBsGirl !!! Hey your problem is so small and Im very glad you found us here. Hopefully you will finds lots of help and friendship at PTO. Its very sad that he has picked up these new charges but perhaps that is what it took to make him realize that its time to get help for himself. Keep us posted and stay strong with eyes wide open !! :)

Hello All, My name is Pat. I have been fighting with the Devil "Meth". It's been 2 weeks clean. I am doing this for my son. I found out he started doing crack about a month ago. He is 18. Please Help! I am so scared. I love him so much. His older brother called me crying about it. I will do anything it takes to get him back on track. But first I had to clean up my act. It is the hardest thing I have ever done. But I have no choice, I refuse to watch him wast his life like I did.

Hello everyone. I'm a former user of Crystal Meth, Cocaine/Crack and a variety of drugs. My ex boyfriend got me into real bad. I can't blame him for it. After all I was the one hitting the pipe. But my current boyfriend in serving an 18 month sentence in Indiana and up to 10 years in Illinois for cooking and a variety of charges. Even though I have been clean for 8 months now, I'm still paying for the stuff I did back then when I was high and didn't think about the consequences. I quit my job, sold the stuff out of my apartment, stayed with an abusive man, lost my car and did a lot of things I never would have done. I lost my love to this stuff and I almost lost my freedom too. I would have if I wouldn't have quit. Now, I'm getting my life back on track. I got my job back and have been back there for 6 months or so, I'm going to church with my boyfriend's family, I'm going back to school in the summer to become a nurse and making up for a lot of time I missed out on with my family during that time period in my life.

Welcome both of you and Im very glad you found PTO and shared your stories.
Jstdifferent; You cant put him back on track. Please read the posts in the families and loved ones resources forum in this forum. There are many stories of those that learned that you need to stand back, protect yourself in all forms and let them figure it out. You can find some resources for him with phone numbers and just hand it too him. If you need help finding any of these let us know.
You should consider getting yourself in a group too (for loved ones of addicts), if you need help finding one in your area, also let us know and we will try to find you some resources. Hugs to both of you.

Hello everyone,

My husband is currently incarcerated because I turned him into the police...he was wanted on a parole violation (not reporting to his PO) and I called the sheriff's office and told them where he was.

You see, my husband is an IV meth addict. I was afraid he was going to die, and turning him in was my last option to save his life. When they went to apprehend him, he was also ready for the struggle of addiction to end, and handed over the dope willingly (he had plenty of time to flush and get rid of it). He's been incarcerated since August 18th, 2005, a little over 6 months.

I trusted the system to help my husband, and in a way, he did to by giving them the dope. This is his first drug offense. We were both too trusting.

Because he was in trouble before (before I knew him, not drug related) the best deal that the PA will give him is 6 years prison time for posession of meth (less than 1 gram), the max is 7 years. They are trying to throw him away. The day he was picked up, he told the arresting officer he had a problem and he needed help.

He has decided to turn sentencing over to a judge, where I will testify. This is scheduled to happen April 6th, about 5 weeks from now. We're hoping for a lesser sentence than 6 years.

About 2 months after I told my husband that I was the one that turned him in, he told me he understood why I did it, that he still loved me, and he eventually thanked me for saving his life.

I often visit my husband in prison, wishing that I hadn't turned him in, but it's better than the alternative, visiting his gravesite wishing I had.

Thanks for listening.

Welcome to PTO and the addiction forum. Im sorry that the what really needs to be done for your husband isnt being done but Im also glad you turned him in, you were not enabling his disease and you were saving his life. Im glad he understands that and it sounds like he hit a serious bottom and lets hope that is the end of it for him. Hugs to you for being so strong and making a good decision. Hang in there and dont have regrets, he is alive. Perhaps not where he should be but alive. At least now when you see him you will see him and not the chemical. That is better than a grave.

HUGS !!!

Greetings everyone. I would like to say that only through the Grace of God am I sober today. Like so many others, drugs and alcohol became my life and because of drugs and alcohol, I too, did many things I am not proud of. But through my higher power, whom I choose to call God, and the love and friendship of other alcoholics and addicts in my 12 step recovery program, I have learned HOW to live without the trappings of alcohol and drugs and have been clean for a little over 15 years now. I truly live my life one day at a time, cause that is really all any of us have. And I believe I can do anything for just one day.

For those still struggling, it isn't easy. I am not going to kid you and say it is. And it takes that rotten four letter word we ALL hate - TIME. As we have all heard, recovery is a simple program for complicated people. I know and believe in my soul, that none of us can get sober and stay sober, ALONE! If you notice in the 12 steps of a popular recovery program, it doesn't say "I"....it says "we". And therein lies the path to recovery. I am not saying I don't have "those" days - the truth be told, when things go horribly wrong in my life, the first thought that comes to my mind is....I want a drink - I want to run away from this. That is because I am an alcoholic and always will be. It is what I choose to do with or how I act upon that thought that makes ALL the difference. So, I think it through, fake it till I make it, call a friend in recovery, whatever it takes...not to pick up the first drink or drug. Without the first one, I can't get drunk or high. "Those" days are becoming fewer and fewer. Amazingly enough, I just had a dryer fire in my home last Sunday and the thought to pick up never entered my head. Amazing.

I keep active in my 12 step program. I have to be. It keeps me sober and clean for another 24 hours.

With all of that said, I would love to chat with anyone/everyone here about the struggles of addiction AND the joy of living one day at a time, clean and sober. I would also like to share my experience, strength and hope with anyone who is struggling because I think it is necessary to share the good stuff that comes over time.

There is nothing better than being sober and clean....
'cause without it, I have NOTHING.

Have a Happy 24, everyone!

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

Nancymae,
Welcome to the Drug and Alcohol Forum, and thank you for the excellent post and also for sharing your E,S & H with us. Hope your fire didn't cause too much damage. Jump right in and start posting, and feel free to PM either myself or Witchlinblue any time if you need anything or want to make any suggestions. Thanks for joining us.

Welcome to PTO and this forum NJNancyMae !!!

My name is Monica "danielle" and I am an addict. I am married to an addict as well, though fortunately we are both in recovery.

The number of lives touched by addictions are countless. Perhaps you are an addict, the parent or spouse or loved one of an addict, or you just have an interest in addiction and rehabilitation.

I have been affiliated with twelve step programs for many years, though I've relapsed in the past. But, just for today, I am straight, clean, sober, or whatever you want to call it. ;)

Having said that - I don't believe the 12 steps have a patent on recovery - they are, however, what's worked for me. So, other experiences, programs, and ideas are welcome.

My husband is in prison, not for drugs directly, but for stealing to support OUR habits. I believed drugs were expensive - I just never knew they would cost us so much. Hindsight is 20/20, isn't it?

As a result of OUR addictions, we both have Hepatitis C now. It's the consequences of our behavior and we'll carry this with us for the rest of our lives.

Welcome to this forum - the door is open, the coffee is on, and hugs are plenty.


i m very sorry that your husband is in prison. it is tough time for you. god will help you. i pray from good that you will give up soon this habit

Welcome to PTO 332209 !!!

My sobriety date is 3/4/01, so I have 5 1/2 years. AA/NA saved my life without a doubt. Keep coming back.

Guys
This forum is awesome!!!!!!
I am an alcoholic and addict whose NEW sobriety date is 12/06/06.
This forum is like an AA/NA meeting in itself...
I am SOOOOO glad that I found PTO.... it's my new addiction!!!!???

Hi everyone! I'm new to this thread.
My boyfriend is in jail & is/was addicted to crack & alcohol. His addictions made my life miserable. I don't do drugs or alcohol. Now he'll have plenty of time to think about the effect his drinking & drug use has had on others. I hope he'll stay sober when he gets out. I've read thru the other posts & found them useful.

Hi! I'm new to this thread, too -- at least to posting on it. I'm an alcoholic who is trying recovery again, after my second DUI got me a felony conviction and cost me most of my life's perks....(job, house, car....) Anyway, my husband is a crack addict who says prison has convinced him that he needs to be straight and sober when he gets out. That's all well and good, but I know how hard it is for ME and crack is soo much more addictive (or so they say). I know we are facing an uphill battle, but can somebody give me some hope here? I keep hearing that he has no chance to succeed, because almost nobody ever does. I know in his heart he wants to do right, but his addiction has been long and severe. We don't have the $$$$ to put him in the Betty Ford Clinic <lol> but are there programs that can really help him? Prison isn't letting him into classes due to overcrowding, so don't tell me to try that... And thanks for the help and for the forum! AA classes don't work for me, but maybe this will! It's great to find out I'm not the only one with compounded issues! We are ALL dysfunctional, I guess.....:rolleyes:

Hi Kirks, I too am new to recovery and my addiction is alcohol. My (new) date of sobriety is 1/11/06. This is a long, hard struggle. With respect to crack, the first time I was in treatment I met a woman in her 50's who had a long, severe addiction to crack. In fact, before treatment she had been in the hospital because she had a heart attack from crack. At that point, because she had been hsopitalized for awhile she had bee clean and sober for 6 months. Yeah, she still had cravings, yeah she still struggled some days, like we all do, but she was making it. And I think your guy can too, but I think he will need some kind of care or help when he gets outs, especially meetings. I think I would have stayed sober after the first treatment if I had kept going to meetings. Is he getting help while on the inside? He should make sure that it continues on the outside too. (((((HUGS)) and congrat on your 30+ days of sobriety!

Thanks for the input, Suze..... no, he's not getting help on the inside, they won't even let him attend NA meetings, let alone substance abuse classes. Overcrowding. Whatever. I already told him that we will be attending NA classes together, every day if necessary, when he gets out. I just drank a beer tonight, but at least it wasn't a 6-pack. I get so tired sometimes. But I have to clean it up or I won't be able to help him, either. You are right about it's being hard. We'll make it though. It's make it or die. And I am not quite ready to die.

Well, hon, so you drank beer, that's ok, and yeah it ain't a six pack. So you just change your sobriety date, that's ok ((((HUGS))))) You know, the first time around, I didn't like the 12 step stuff either. But I found a really good group of peole this time, and I like the meetings. I don't know that I am necesaarily all excited about 12 steps, but, they seem to have something. Have you noticed how sort of serene these people are? Well, not all of them, but alot of them. The group I go to has both addicts and alcoholics, no one judges and everyone is so supportive. I REALLY like it and I think its helping. Maybe you should try some different groups until you find one you like. Also I have heard that there are other groups that are not 12 step, I have not been to any of them, but I know they are out there. One thing I learned is that support really helps.

As for your guy getting NO hepl while on the inside, I am so sorry about that! Can you or have you tried sending him the AA books? They are appliacable to addicts as well. Also I do think that are books that are specific to NA meetings. Maybe, since they won't help him, he can at least get started on his own.

The idea about the books is a good one, if they can be purchased through a publisher. You can't send inmates books yourself here in Indiana. I guess they are afraid you will put drugs or knives or something in the bindings. Probably happened and hence the ban. Anyway, I'm also going to send him a couple of books by recovering addicts that are out on the market right now. They tell the story that he is familiar with, are interesting, and have the difficult recovery road all laid out, but still have happy endings (so far....one day at a time!) Maybe they'll give him some hope that it can be done. Thanks for the kind words. I'll try to get to some meetings. I do know that even though I only attended one group a couple of times that the people were very nice and yes, serene and warm and accepting and all those things. I just didn't "click" with them on the level I need. I'll try again.

hello i was hoping someone could help. my fiance just got approve to leave jail and go to rehab for alchol addiction. i am awaiting his release. the program is six months to a year but they individulize to each pt's needs. has anyone been to a rehab facility in wv and where. i would like to hear from them and there experience.

My husband is in kyle and has 76 days left its has been hell for us but he will be out soon i don't know what will happen next and i don't want to think about it i'm pray god does whats he thinks is in our best interest. so i leave it in his hand but it seems that the program is six months in rehap and three in a halfway house. God bless you.

mjolie

My life has also been and still is troubled with family addiction. This is no small hill to climb in any family. I am learning that we all have to work on our selfs. No one can do it for us, we must do the work for our self. Baby sets at first for me i was in such denial.

My life has also been and still is troubled with family addiction. This is no small hill to climb in any family. I am learning that we all have to work on our selfs. No one can do it for us, we must do the work for our self. Baby sets at first for me i was in such denial.

I'm 36 years old, and I am an alcoholic. I had my first beer at 13 years old. Of course, I drank during high school and college. I would never do it every day or all the time, even. For years, it was just a social thing. I'm guessing about my mid-20's was when problems arose with it. My 3 biggest drinking years of my life was when I lived in this economically depressed town in central Colorado. Since living where I live now for the past 7 years, I still drank, but not anywhere near what I used to nor for the same reasons. Mainly, it was 1-3 beers/nightly at home, in excess on special ocasions, but it wasn't a big deel to me. It wasn't til my now ex & I broke up over 2 years ago that I started drinking too much for the wrong reasons and my business has taken sever too many bumps & bruises as a result. Anxiety took over morning hangovers this past year.
It's been 15 days since my last drink. I'm still not quite together emotionally yet but life's issues gets easier and easier by the day. This forum has been my saving grace. Thank you ALL PTO people! Get well soon Mrs. D:grouphug:

This is great that one day at a time can bring some sense to life. My love one is doing time for his addiction and behavior. I have great doubt that years in jail will help at all. I find that i have little hope for him to see the addiction is what caused all his trouble.

my friend is a crack addict and he is going to live with his uncle who is a recovered alcoholic(when he gets out of prison) he says he is going to go to AA with him , but shouldnt he be going to NA? i know he has been to both before, but wouldnt you learn more from people who are addicted to the same drug or in the same family vs alcohol? i dont understand why he would want to go to AA if he needs NA?

Hi everyone! I'm new to this thread.
My boyfriend is in jail & is/was addicted to crack & alcohol. His addictions made my life miserable. I don't do drugs or alcohol. Now he'll have plenty of time to think about the effect his drinking & drug use has had on others. I hope he'll stay sober when he gets out. I've read thru the other posts & found them useful.

Keep the faith! Visit as often as they allow and give him LOTS of support. Forgive, if possible. That's, of course, assuming you love him much. My BF & I got much closer during the two months he was incarcerated. He just got out, too:D Things are much evolving for the better now. I quit drinking, too. That's SO GOOD you don't drink or use any drugs but learn as much as you can about addiction if you havn't already done so. Yeah, this forum is like my alternative AA / Al-Alon, and it has replaced my former bar life with a on-line social life.

Hi everyone my name is Melissa. My brother is in CRCC. He had a very BAD drug problem. That was only part of what got him there. My hubby is a recovering alcoholic and has been sober since April 2007. It's been really hard for both of them and ME! I feel like I have been a one man army somedays. My brother does go to NA and AA in prison. My hubby doesn't go to AA. He just doesn't want to. He says our baby and I are helpful reminders of why he doesn't drink. I am very proud of him and pray that he continues the sober road. As for my brother my parents are so worried when he get's out he is going to start again. They have no faith in him. They have even considered making an apartment on their land so he doesn't have to live in their house. My mom said that way if he did start again he couldn't steal from them. I am very close with my brother and he feels like they are outcasting him.

Welcome Melissa!
We are glad that you found us.

I'm a recovering addict (17 years clean from drugs) but working hard on new co dependency issues. The love of my life just got out of jail on October 4 and that very day checked into a drug rehab center per his probaiton officer's request....I have started working the 12 steps again...the hardest and most important whether we are addicts, co dependents ...is self inventory. It's real easy to look at someone else and make inventory of their problems but looking in the mirror and being honest isn't so easy...it hurts deep down. I have an issue with being passive to avoid arguement and not taking up for myself...it's like I got used to not having control as an addict so didn't even realize that I put my own needs on the back burner for others now. Anyone else got issues??? LOL!! I know we all do...passing out mirrors

Welcome to PTO, Melissa. I'm sorry that your parents are so afraid of dealing w/ your brother. I can understand their fears on one hand, but I can see how you feel, too. It's too bad your parents haven't gotten into AA. Maybe they'd be willing to read some of the books about codependency?? I think if they could feel they are in 'control' of themselves and their property, they might feel less threatened by your brother's release.

And does your brother HAVE to go to their home when he's released? Could he go to a half-way house or into an apt close to a bus for getting a job, etc.??

I admire your loyalty to your brother and send Kudos to your hubby for his sobriety. Do you go to Alanon? Even if your hubby doesn't go to AA, it might be to your benefit to try Alanon. Maybe then your parents would go, too. ??

Just some ideas........ and only worth the ink this message is written on LOL:D

Welcome, in any case!

Mary

I'm a recovering addict (17 years clean from drugs) but working hard on new co dependency issues. The love of my life just got out of jail on October 4 and that very day checked into a drug rehab center per his probaiton officer's request....I have started working the 12 steps again...the hardest and most important whether we are addicts, co dependents ...is self inventory. It's real easy to look at someone else and make inventory of their problems but looking in the mirror and being honest isn't so easy...it hurts deep down. I have an issue with being passive to avoid arguement and not taking up for myself...it's like I got used to not having control as an addict so didn't even realize that I put my own needs on the back burner for others now. Anyone else got issues??? LOL!! I know we all do...passing out mirrors
Yep! I'm in the same boat you're in! At first, I didn't think the 12 steps applied to ME. I was reading the BIG AA book last night and WOW, I see myself in a couple of the stories. I'm VERY MUCH a co-dependent and the 12 step program is applied to co-dependents and that's the regiment I HAVE to get on NOW. I'm trying out sobriety AND living a single independent life for the first time, AND I have to learn to be happy in my own skin. Now THAT'S a CHALLENGE!!!!

People say I have a huge heart; so does my BF. Both of us have alcoholism running rapid in our families. Many simply replace "one addiction with another." I still have not given up :hee: Yeah, it's an addiction alright but I CHOOSE not to give that one up yet. Those that do are VERY STRONG and I commend you folks for doing that:thumbsup: Thankfully, I've NEVER done Meth and I HATE needles.

HI All! My name is Holly, im 28 years old and I live in southeast Missouri and am an alcoholic. I have been sober for 7 days today, I relapsed on Saturday, 12-8-07, I had 23 months, thats the longest that I have ever had.
I have been involved in a 12-step program for 6 yrs. I met my husband in meetings, (he has been sober for 16 years).
I had never been able to stop drinking for any period of time until I got sent to prision, that was my first time of getting into any trouble with the law, prior to me catching my case the worst that I had on my record was speeding tickets, but its amazing how my higher power works!!!!
I got charged with endangering the welfare of a child, class C felony! The state was telling me that I overdosed my child, who was 3 at the time, on his sizure medication. I finally took a plea agreement of JUST PROBATION NO PRISON TIME and got a 120 shock.
But, to this day I am very grateful for being sent to prision, DO NOT WANT TO GO BACK, because I was able to get sober and stay sober and become a mother to my son, who is now 5, and a wife!
RECOVERY IS AMAZING!!!1:D

HI All! My name is Holly, im 28 years old and I live in southeast Missouri and am an alcoholic. I have been sober for 7 days today, I relapsed on Saturday, 12-8-07, I had 23 months, thats the longest that I have ever had.
I have been involved in a 12-step program for 6 yrs. I met my husband in meetings, (he has been sober for 16 years).
I had never been able to stop drinking for any period of time until I got sent to prision, that was my first time of getting into any trouble with the law, prior to me catching my case the worst that I had on my record was speeding tickets, but its amazing how my higher power works!!!!
I got charged with endangering the welfare of a child, class C felony! The state was telling me that I overdosed my child, who was 3 at the time, on his sizure medication. I finally took a plea agreement of JUST PROBATION NO PRISON TIME and got a 120 shock.
But, to this day I am very grateful for being sent to prision, DO NOT WANT TO GO BACK, because I was able to get sober and stay sober and become a mother to my son, who is now 5, and a wife!
RECOVERY IS AMAZING!!!1:D

Recovery is DEFINATELY amazing like myself & my BF are recently finding out. First off, welcome to PTO and the D/A forum. :wave:This is the best AA/Al-Anon I've found to date. The only person that can make the decision not to drink is yourself. You should feel so blessed that you have a husband with 16 years of sobriety under the belt to love & support you in your attempts. We are here for the 2 of you.:grouphug: