when we're talking about domestic violence, we're always thinking and talking about men as the abusers. but I know that there are female abusers too. anybody went through this and want to share? I wonder how the men who are being abused think about all this...

I am glad you brought this up - it's something that isn't talked about much.

You're right, we forget that there are men being abused, because they are even more ashamed to talk about it than women are. But it's horrible when it happens to either a man or a woman. My bf (who is very mellow, soft-spoken, would never hurt a woman) was in an abusive relationship--she would grab his groin and squeeze until he'd be on his knees begging her to stop, and she'd wake him up by kicking and punching him when she was mad, and just go totally berserk at times. He called the police and filed reports a few times when he was beat up pretty bad, with lots of bruises and scratches, but then she'd talk him into dropping the charges. One time the prosecutor did charge her anyway, but she only got probation and never followed through on the counseling. He finally left her when she started abusing his kids, thank god.
Anyway, I feel the problem isn't really getting addressed in our society cause of at least two reasons: the police/prosecutor will generally believe the female if she's halfway smart enough to come up with a good story quickly (a different male friend of mine had a girlfriend who actually ran into the other room and banged her head with a utensil until the police came--whom he'd called cause she put out her cigarette on his face--she then told the police he punched her! and they took him off to jail and told him to suck it up!!) . Second, I think most men don't talk about it because they can't help but feel guilty they didn't defend themselves better.

yes- i think it is often a pride thing with men, not wanting to acknowledge that a woman is abusing them- and i agree with carisa, if there is a question as to who the "true abuser" is, the police generally side with the woman

Billy was abused by his ex-wife. Mentally, physically, and emotionally. So in defense, he became abusive too.

It's not the reason why he's in prison. The strain that she put on his mind was enough to make a good man turn evil. The first time that she and I met, she talked about how horrible he was to her. Once I became friends with them both, I learned who the bad one was.

She admitted to cheating on him. She would slip valiums in his drinks to make him pass out. She would lie, cheat, steal, and curse Billy all the time. She was jealous of me and would accuse him of cheating with me. Not at that time--but he would always defend me. She tried to run him over with a car and she stabbed him with a fork.

She had Billy arrested 3 times for nothing because he threatened to leave the house. The cops still arrested him because she cried wolf. I was there but Billy didn't want me involved.

She would stay out all night after drugging Billy and I would sit there with him all night long just to keep an eye on him and his son who was 3 at the time. If he had woke up, Billy couldn't have tended to him, so I did.

Now that Billy is in prison and divorced her, she is taking everything out on his son. Child Protective Services have been watching her but refuse to do anything. Only when he gets hurt will they totally step in. Now if Billy was doing everything that she is, CPS would have already taken him away. But in this state, they always favor the mother regardless of how horrible she is.

So yes, there are female abusers. Billy has a lot of scars to prove it.

it kinda shocks me to hear all these stories, although I was the one who brought up the subject. this is still a taboo.

I'm sorry for the men that had to go through this. And it hurts me that Billy's ex takes it out on her son now, and they won't do a thing. But Billy is lucky to have found you!

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My son 33yrs. is also in Saugas (1st time) a facility for a spousal dispute/domestic violence yet he has never hit his wife nor would he ever consider harming any woman. The person he married is the one who always starts in by screaming / hitting him taking his cell/car keys, whatever she can to push his button's. His crime is defending himself by holding his arms up to protect his face & body by doing this she obtained bruises on her hands & arms as a result of hitting him. I have seen so many, many times when she's caught him off guard and threw him to the pavement breaking his ribs, scatching him, kicking him in the genitals. Then calling the police on him so it looks like she's such a victim. Their daughter has told me her mommy hits her daddy, all the time. Not once have I been at there home when she hasn't started to fight with him. I have witnessed him running to the bathroom to lock himself in hopes' she'll stop, yet all she does is break down the door on him and start wailing on him. My daughter,son & his friends, neighbors have also witnessed this. On our last visit she raged at him until 4AM, my daughter & I could not stop her so we stayed in the baby's room trying to confort & keep her from crying, & getting beat by her mom if she leaves her room. Where's the justice? Why can women inflict so much pain, aside from the damage to their childs' psyci & well being. If he calls the police on her, she turns' it around, her hands bruised from knocking the door in so of course the PD believe's 'her' the wife, never the husband. She was in the army 4 yrs. & her father was also a Policeman, this is her 3rd marriage. My son feels he has no chance & thinks he may do 1-2 yrs. He can not work for the school district due to this charge, he would commit suicide but won't for his daughter's sake. He tell's me she's ruined my life, & has no alternative's. Can anyone tell me what is it he CAN do? If.. Anything at all? He has a great job waiting for him, makes good money.

Heart Broken-Mom

awwwwwww Connie what a sweet picture.

The problem is most men don't report abuse or rape. So society believes that woemn are the weaker sex and the men are always the abusers.

All though the rate of men being abused are much lower then of women being abused. It is even lower because of the lack of reporting and the lack of education by law enforcement.

When a man reports it he has a fear of how he will be treated by officials.
Men have it in their makeup to be protectors and to take care of their own. They very seldom look outside for someone to take care of something they think they should have taken care of.

It boils down to the old belief that women are the weaker sex........Hog wash!

softie

I found this thread really interesting. It has to be even. There must be as many women abusers as there are men.
I think the problem is that women abuse in a way that's harder to catch - and it's easier to believe a woman...because women are master manipulators and I guess they don't usually use physical means to abuse - it's EASIER to spot that someone has been physically abused than to spot anything else because there are visible scars.
I was looking at a rape crisis site the other day which said "Women do not lie about sexual abuse."
Yikes. Yes they do. One of my friend's mothers came home the other day and told her and her stepdad that someone tried to rape her....but it was obvious to both of them that she had cheated on her husband.
Norma McCorvey I think, claimed she was raped in order so she could have an abortion.... and now abortion is legal in America. It was a lie. She wasn't raped and she admitted it (I think I got the story right)
anybody interested... look up Norma McCorvey's book "Won By Love". It's an incredible story.
Not to mention that women are also masters at using tears to convince people. Not all of 'em of course but women even use tears to get affection from men even though they're not as badly hurting as they claim.
It's quite pathetic....

I finally made the decision to end a 12 year marriage. I could not allow my son (now 2 years old) to grow up in this environment. I didn't realize just how much I was being abused, both physically and emotionally. Her drinking was getting worse and her 'black outs' more intense. I was great at pretending nothing could bother me. I even joined in the partying to drowned my guilty feelings. The last time she attacked me verbally and physically, that was it! It took me about 2 weeks to get myself to mental state that I could stand up and tell her I wanted a divorce. It wasn't pretty and got worse as it took about 2 months to sell our house. We both moved into different places but she went downhill from there. She is now in jail for her actions and I have a protective order and custody of my son. It has been so very hard but I am doing what is best for our son and myself. I hope she gets the help she needs. I contacted the YWCA and they are helping me with advice and I may qualify for reduced legal fees. There is no shame in doing what is right. My son is my most important priority and he deserves a father that will do what is in his best interest no matter the cost. My son is a victim as well but he will not be subjected to anymore violence or trauma as long as I stand up for him.... :angry:

iok...i'm sooo glad that you were able to get you and your son away from that abusive woman!!! and also glad that you stuck up for yourself and your son. i wish you both the best in the years to come, and we will always be here for you to talk to!

Yep, I have seen this story over and over. These women not only are abusive, but totally abuse our system by making up things about their men, getting the arrested and into the system for nothing. THEN - as soon as their out - they harrass them constantly because they don't call or come around (even though there IS a protective order protecting HER!!) I am so glad someone started this thread because it's a very under-reported issue but EXTREMELY prevelant. Here in California, I am part of group working with the courts, law enforcement and the county agencies getting them to realize that we cannot simply take these women's words for it - we need to have some solid proof before we put them in our shelters and arrest their men......
The system has paid dearly for out of control women and their anger!!

Billy was abused by his ex-wife. Mentally, physically, and emotionally. So in defense, he became abusive too.

It's not the reason why he's in prison. The strain that she put on his mind was enough to make a good man turn evil. The first time that she and I met, she talked about how horrible he was to her. Once I became friends with them both, I learned who the bad one was.

She admitted to cheating on him. She would slip valiums in his drinks to make him pass out. She would lie, cheat, steal, and curse Billy all the time. She was jealous of me and would accuse him of cheating with me. Not at that time--but he would always defend me. She tried to run him over with a car and she stabbed him with a fork.

She had Billy arrested 3 times for nothing because he threatened to leave the house. The cops still arrested him because she cried wolf. I was there but Billy didn't want me involved.

She would stay out all night after drugging Billy and I would sit there with him all night long just to keep an eye on him and his son who was 3 at the time. If he had woke up, Billy couldn't have tended to him, so I did.

Now that Billy is in prison and divorced her, she is taking everything out on his son. Child Protective Services have been watching her but refuse to do anything. Only when he gets hurt will they totally step in. Now if Billy was doing everything that she is, CPS would have already taken him away. But in this state, they always favor the mother regardless of how horrible she is.

So yes, there are female abusers. Billy has a lot of scars to prove it.

My first husband's wife beats him up and talks terrible to him. She's ripped his clothes off his body, she's thrown the grease jar she keeps on the stove from saving oil from cooking at his head AND DIDN'T MISS. She's punched, scratched and kicked him, she's taken her arm and swooshed everything off his dresser top. Begged and pleaded and was nice as nice can be to get him to marry her, and immediately after the marriage she did a three sixty on him.

Very strange to me -- I don't get it. What I do get is he's her 3rd husband and I now think I know why -- that biatch is crazy!!! And what does he do while she's attacking and throwing -- nothing, he just lets her, but he said when she gets too crazy then he speaks up. I don't get it, nor do I get into it because that is their business so if he wants to take it, that's him. :shrug:

I am in an emotional upheaval as I witnessed domestic abuse and it was THE WIFE doing the hitting, scratching, kicking, pushing, beating out car windows, etc. At the time both were large people and he was a Correctional Officer and she was at one time also. (at time of her death she was very small as she had bypass surgery) He worked throughout the marriage and brought in the money and all she evidently did was spend it and not pay any of the bills.

At times I'd hear her screaming at him things like "you are retarded" I hate you - I wish you'd leave - you are not my Daddy, etc. (most of the time when the domestic occurred he was begging her not to leave the home to go gamble)

Many times I started to call the law when it turned physical but did not as I knew it might would embarress him or hurt his job.

In such a small community word had it that she was a compulsvie gambler, a drug user and dealer, stole money from her husband and wasted it and they had to go bankrupt. She also many times started the rumor she was pregnant, but never had a baby. One morning after working a double shift, her hubby "allegedly" came home and killed her and her 20 year old daughter. This daughter also shared drinking, drugging, stealing, gambling WITH HER mom. I realize they probably needed professional help. In my heart I feel that the hubby probably snapped - of course he should get punished but because I vented that a little mercy should be applied (like chance of parole later on)I feel I am being threatened and I haven't even tesified yet. I don't want to muddy the waters by having warrants issued for them - as I'm sure it would help their role of the "scared family". Oh yes - the same ones who put me in fear made no statement at the hearing and told the judge they were afraid for their life if he was given bail.

Her family is close knit and live close by. By my Posting and venting on a site led to an onslaught of them saying things about me, my character and about my son and my home. (I need a lot of work done on my home and I have developed degenerative arthritis so bad I just can't do it and live on a fixed income and can't hire someone yet). Also the family mentioned that I should keep my mouth shut as friends of the deceased included some outlaw gangs. I think I may be called as a witness - but now I'm figuring the verbal abuse to me may change to physcial. I kept copies of all conversations and gave a copy to a friend in case something happened to me.

I understand that the family is very hurt and distraught about losing a loved one - maybe they didn't realize the evil things she was doing - but if they didn't they were certainly the only ones in the area !! I don't socialize with neighbors and try to mind my own business -

I feel as if I do need to testify truthfully if called as a witness. If a plea bargain would be made and accepted I don't think it will stop the "family" from harassing me even if I didn't testify.

Am I a terrible person for wanting mercy for somone who may have bludgeoned his wife and stepdaughter to death??

This is being treated as "a domestic violence issue" - the woman being the victim of such. As it was the reverse - thats why I believe he should be given a little mercy.

Any ideas of how I should proceed in this situation? Also my elderly feeble mother lives in the area as does my son who is bipolar. I have some fears they may say "things to them about me which could cause pain and more "violence"?...

You can start by writing both attorneys involved in the case - explain what you have witnessed, and also explain your fears. Someone will ask you for further input if it seems bargaining is going on.

You can start by writing both attorneys involved in the case - explain what you have witnessed, and also explain your fears. Someone will ask you for further input if it seems bargaining is going on.


So is it illegal to copy comments typed on various sites online for evidence that I feel threatened - or would it be thrown out as heresay and evidence subject to tampering?

Anybody know the answer to that.

No, it's not illegal at all. And unless it was anonymously sent, routed through various servers, etc., it would have identifiers all over it. I'm just telling you that your input could influence the way the prosecutor sets up his charges and the way a defense attorney structures his defense.

I agree, tell them what you personally witnessed.

This is to MSDalton
Usually an abused spouse would call out in some way for help, even if it's just in a subtle way. Such as shirking away from the abuser not fighting back, he fought back right? He never cried out for help and ran away. He was the one with an income thus he should have left. Not murdered 2 people. I've heard of and seen abused men but they are not usually in law enforcement as those men are trained to fight. Yes you are wrong to want mercy for him. I hope he rots in prison. Plus if she claimed to be pregnant maybe it was to keep from being beaten? And he killed 2 people right? Was he abused by them both or was he too weak to fight. You said they were both big people, him and the wife or the wife and daughter? But if the wife had major surgery and became small and weak from surgery how did she abuse then? Do you have any more facts on this?
It sounds like you may need attention or something and you want to testify. Maybe you should look at your motives for getting involved in all this? What did the family say to scare or you didn't really say, I mean they've been victimized too and may take offense to some things you say. I wouldn't want to try and help some psycho, geez he could get out and snap again and go after everyone involved. It's a dangerous murderer (alleged) you are messing around with after all. I would just not get involved. You should have gotten involved before it was too late, if I saw abuse I would call the police, and if you feel guilty that you didn't then getting involved now won't fix that.:idea:

MsDalton, if the situation were reversed, if it had been the wife who after years of the kind of abuse you've described "snapped" , the defense would be "Battered Woman's Syndrome"... I think it is shameful that somehow abuse is always the fault of the male, even when he is the victim.
Do I think his actions are excuseable?
Nope.
Is he entitled to use the same defense a female in the same position would? Yes, without a doubt.
Do I think that the underlying circumstances should be taken into account when it comes to determining sentence?
Absolutely!

I know I'm a late comer to this thread... what has happened since you last posted?

My mother is in a lesbian partnership and she is abused in this relationship. I have explained this story already, so without rehashing it out, I will just say relationships are relationships and anyone can be an abuser.

I sent her a PM

This is a little off topic but I attend alot of counseling thses days because being abused has made me aggressive...some tell me just down right mean and rude to men. I don't really want to be like this and am trying to seek help. sokie

Women can be abusers just the same as men. Although you don't hear as much about women in the news as you do men, I do believe it's out there just as much, just not reported on.. :(

I truly believe that Abuse makes abusers. I'm not saying it's ever acceptable to cause any type of harm- physical or mental- to another human being. Mental abuse as a child, for example, witnessing abuse as a child, or even the abuse you experience living at a low income level or with a poor support system teaches you to be a certain way and doesn't teach you how to cope with different situations. Sometimes, especially in the case of abused men, abusive women made them that way.

My sweetie's ex-wife was abusive to him, in the form of not respecting him as a man and her husband, leaving him home with their two small children while she pursued a career as a stripper, which escalated to her turning tricks selectively and being gone on long trips with her "clients". I feel that she is the reason he developed abusive/controlling tendencies towards his future girlfriends, expecting them to turn out like his wife.

Miss Q, it's entirely common to blame the ex. But do you have her side of the story? Until you do, you're woefully under-informed. I know exactly wht my (abusive) ex's take on my behavior was. If you listened only to him, you'd be wise to steer clear of me because I'm a bitch, a liar, a manipulator, a disrespecter, a user. And I hit first.
I obviously have a far different take on it. And I have confidence in my version, but let me promise you, there are people who have heard his side and not mine and avoid me like the plague. Anyone who has seen him in action, however, is quite clear on what went on. And they're still my friends.

I hear you on that one Nim. I wish I had talked or listened to my husbands old girlfriend because it might have shed some light on what I was going to walk into. He painted a very different picture of her to me then what I saw at Pamela's memorial service. sokie

i tend to be more aggressive so im practicing alternative behavior actions.i think over time i referred to my beine aggressive as more guarded.now,i knjow i can behave more considerable while keeping my guard up around my ladies and myself.one of my favorite movies is"MEN DONT TELL".i forget the actresses name but im thinking JUDITH LIGHT?talk about a scarred woman(man)and the wrath that has to be rechanneled!

yes it was judith light,wasn't she wicked on that show??that was a good movie and i was sad for her husband,funny thing is i always thought when it was meantioned of women abusing men i just kind of laughed like yea ok then after seeing that show i can see it happening for sure,and have a total diff opinion...

she sure was!her real last name LIGHT was exactly what she exercised in that movie.the poor man didnt stand a chance to restrain her or dive for cover.that and THE BURNING BED stand neck to neck in my book.i lov ethem both.