Hi everyone! I spoke with my son today and he is mad at the entire world it seems. He is in the state of mind now that he doesn't care, or so he says. I would think this is pretty common...has anyone had to deal with this. He is so angry and frustrated. Maybe he was just having an extremely bad day. If this continues, any thoughts on how to help him thorugh this? Thanks in advance.

sorry to hear about your son being mad. I have something on my web site that might be interesting about this, I hope it helps a little in understanding what your son is going through?

Emotional Stages of Incarceration

http://www.prison.netfirms.com/usefulinformation/stages.htm


Prisoners, much like people who learn they are going to die soon, go through five emotional stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and, finally, acceptance. Where they are in this process can help explain their behavior.

Stage I: Denial Denial begins when a person enters prison. It generally lasts between one and three years for those sentenced to more than ten years. Some short-termers are in a state of denial for their entire sentence.

Those in the denial stage find it hard to believe they’re really in prison. They focus on getting released. They tend to blame their situation on somebody else. Some prisoners work through denial gradually. Others leave this stage abruptly when faced with a crisis.

Stage II: Anger When they can no longer deny the situation, prisoners often become angry with everyone. Some prisoners join prison gangs during the anger stage. Some learn to play a game called “being sneaky,” in which they gain slight control over their lives by pretending to do what the guards want.

Stage III: Bargaining Since no one answered their angry demands, prisoners may resort to asking nicely for what they want. Prisoners attempt to make deals with other people. They promise they will mend their ways in exchange for the favor they seek.

Stage IV: Depression When it becomes clear that neither anger nor bargaining is working, depression descends. One prisoner reports, “When it hit me that I was really in prison, and I was going to be there for a long time, I was pretty depressed. I wanted to sleep all the time. I wanted to escape my pain.”

At this stage prisoners begin to face the consequences of their past actions and the current situation. They grieve the loss of freedom and the pain of separation from loved ones. Incarcerated mothers are devastated when they realize they won’t be with their children for many years. Depressed prisoners typically withdraw from family and friends.

Stage V: Acceptance Ultimately prisoners accept the fact that they are in prison for the long haul. This makes some prisoners emotionally numb to everything and everyone. Others go through a period of genuine soul-searching. They begin to accept responsibility for their situation. Many show a sincere desire to change their lives.

Painful problems, like a family crisis or a move to a new facility, can trigger a return to earlier feelings. Prisoners must then work through the emotional stages of incarceration again so they don’t remain in denial, anger, or depression.

soraya--Thanks so much!

you're welcome, I hope it helps you out!

Soraya,

Diddo on that information! My son is currently in a holding cell waiting sentencing. He is sometimes angry, still giving us demanding orders (more commissary funds, contacting the people involved, etc.). I think he thinks he is all alone which is why I try very hard to meet those demands. I tell him all the time that I love him, unconditionally. He says he might as well give up since no one believes him. We visit him every weekend. His stepdad and I visit on Saturdays and his sister and brother visits on Sundays. Some of these visits are good some are bad. This past Sunday, my daughter said that it took my son 30 mins to start talking and they starting fussing about "nothing." My daughter left and called me crying stating she doesn't want to visit my son when he is being extremely rude. On Monday, my son called me to apologize for his attitude. He said he is just "plain tired." Again I assured him of how much we love him and will stand behind him every step of the way. Sometimes I don't know how to respond to my son when he is in a bad mood. Before I leave visitation, I have him laughing and feeling a little bit better.

Sorry to hear that. It must be really hard, for the both of you. He's in prison and feels alone, has no control over his life anymore (big parts, like when he wants to eat, when he wants to sleep,...), so he tries to gain back some control by asking you to do certain stuff.
But for your family it must be hard, because you want to help him and it seems like there's nothing you can do. And you know that he doesn't really mean the rude things he say, but it must be so hard to look over it at that certain moment!

Just know that it will get better, but it'll need some time. You know we're all here for you, at any time, ok?

CEPORA AND CINDY

SORAYA HAS HIT IT ON THE HEAD. THERE ARE MANY PHASES OF GOING THROUGH INCARCERATION..... THE ANGER STAGE IS THE HARDEST BECAUSE IT SEEMS THAT YOU ARE THE PERSON THEY TAKE IT OUT ON... THIS IS BECAUSE THEY CANNOT TAKE IT OUT ON ANYONE THERE. SO, WHEN THEY SEE YOU AND TALK TO YOU, YOU GET THE VENT OF THAT ANGER.

MY SON IS NOW GOING THROUGH THE ACCEPTANCE STAGE. OF COURSE THIS HAS TAKEN HIM 12 YEARS.... NOT TOO LONG AGO HE WENT THROUGH THE DEPRESSION STAGE.

MAY GOD BLESS AND KEEP YOU TRY TO UNDERSTAND HIM AND LOVE HIM EVEN THO YOU MAY WANT TO RING HIS NECK FOR AWHILE...

MY LOVE AND PRAYERS TO YOU.

DONNA

Thanks to both Donna and Soraya!

It just seems to get harder and harder for me to deal with this situation. Again, I ask myself, where did I go wrong? My other two kids are "walking a straight line." What happen to my middle child? He's got a lot of strikes against him. He's young, have a conduct disorder along with ADHD, and he has a history of junvenile stuff noted in his record. I know the court is probably thinking that this kid is not "salvagable," so they are going to lock him up for a life time. My son need help with his mental issues. Jail is not the place. This doesn't justify that a crime has been committed (even thought he didn't do it), but locking him up will definitely ruin him and me as well.

I just found out my son's visitation has been revoked for 2 weekends because of jumping over the banisters and down the stairs to avoid walking down the entire flight. To me, I think a warning should have been given instead of revocation of visitation. I don't know the entire situation. Maybe others were involved, but my son didn't tell me. I left a message for his caseworker to call me concerning this matter. I am so afraid. So far, no one has called me back. I'm going to try and call him again.

Hello Everyone,

This is my first time here but I can sure relate to a lot of you..........I have 2 sons in prison and it sure isn't easy dealing with thier ever changing moods from time to time........right now my youngest has quit writing home at all......says it's to hard to deal with and that it haurts to think about home and family.......so I guess shutting us out makes it easier for him..........which I told him I understood .......but that a person can sometimes build a wall to protect themselves and later on will be unable to tear it back down..........I told him I understood but it still worries me not to hear from him.....I continue writing and asking him to write if not me at least his 2 daughters.......who miss him very much ...telling him they have feelings to that they have to deal with......that perhaps he should think of thier feelings and put his on the list right below his........told him if you can't write them draw a little picture and send it to them anything (he draws quiet good by the way) each day they go with me to the mail box hoping to hear from him and the look on thier little faces when there is nothing from him........I am waiting for him to send me the quarterly form so I can mail him his package needing the address from the list to mail the package.........I know he needs the quarterly package but as of yet he still hasn't sent it to me............Yep...I guess I've tried about everything I can to get him to write but to no avail........does anyone or has anyone had this problem and if so how soon does it blow over or how did you handle it........someone suggested I call his attorney and ask him if he could somehow cvheck on him....I just don't know.........but I do feel that he needs to keep in touch and deal with his feelings not push them away.......I think this could only create more problems for him...he needs to see a counselor and hasn't yet......he has been in prison one year almost......with 2 more years to go.......he isn't handling his situation quiet right and I'm sure he is simply numbing himself feelings and all right down to the bone........he is such kind and gentle soul kinda shy and unsure of himself but a really likable and interesting person once you come to know....I'm try not to worry but it slips in once in a while (like everyday) I know worry dosen't help so I'll just say I'm concerned sounds better.......right? Forgive me for running on and on.......Thanks for being here......God Bless You All
Loosie

Girls:


I really know the pain and hurt you are feeling.... As the years have gone by, I have learned how to really understand the moods and reactions I get from Butch..... I know and hurt for his pain, but I also know that if I continue to let every little thing hurt me, then at some point, I am not going to be able to help him anymore because my Health will go down hill and he will be alone....

I have learned to really know what is important and what is a real threat to him.... Sometimes he gets paranoid and thinks all the people who work in the prison are against him.... I don't know what is happening to him, but I do know I nor you can continue fighting the small, insugnificiant things that happen to him and yours.... We must save our strength for the major battles that really need to be fought...

I wish I could send thousands of hugs to you all..... I am praying for all our sanity..... May God Bless and Keep us and keep his loving arms around us..


My Love
Donna

Hi Donna!

I try very hard to be strong, but it is getting tougher and tougher. My son doesn't write me as much as I want him to, but I see him a couple times a week so that helps. I don't know how long he is going to be at that facility, but when he is transferred, I hope he write more often.

At this point, my son doesn't seem to be depressed as much, just hanging in there. His next court hearing is coming up and I am kinda nervous. I will keep y'all posted.

Donna, you mentioned in one of your posts that I should write to the state bar concerning my son's case. What will that do for him? Will they talk to the judge and drop/reduce the sentencing? Will this letter help my son in any way?

I will have y'all in my prayers. PEACE!!