I received another letter from JD's friend.... And now I am reeling!! My fears were confirmed that JD is again in the health care unit... and unless he gets out by Friday, I won't be able to see him this weekend. As long as he is there, he can't write either... :( Also, many of the things his friend wrote have me really worried about his well-being and safety... :(:( On the upside, a few things that he wrote really made me feel good about how JD feels about me.... I will probably be sharing more than you all really wanna have to read... so feel free to skim!! These are exerpts from the letter.....

"... The reason I said it is dangerous down here is because I have seen it happen too many times. I don't consider these "officers" professionals that work in these concentration camps. 75% of them are incompetant and have no educational background at all. So when it comes to dealing with situations in a professional manner, they can't do it. When they feel like they have had enough our of someone they react with violence, becoming the same thing they consider me and the rest of these guys-- "a criminal." I have been in Menard since January and I have seen two superintendants walked out of here and a seargant commit suicide after causing bodily harm to an inmate. Even though the inmate was in violation of department rules, they had no right to beat him like they did. And I am sure it's getting to that point with JD. Right now they have him in the hospital on close watch. They had to all orange crush to get him out of his cell, and knowing orange crush, they more than likely him him a couple of times or used some kind of force to get him out of there.....
.... This is my first time being around JD in 10 years. He's been gone since he was 14 and I was 13, so we were growing up in two different worlds. I was doing all the things he wanted to do if he only had the chance to.... and although he was happy for us, he was hurt that he didn't have the chances we had and from what I understand, he took his hurt and his anger out on the people around him and it was too much for him. So when I ran across JD this year I was happy to see him and we had a chance to talk. We stayed up several nights just catching up and one night in particular his emotions played a major part in our converstaion. He told me about his three years in seg in Joliet, the constant fighting, the hunger strikes, watching guys commit suicide and being an eye witness to rape and murder. At that time, the joints were what we call open, meaning there's a big difference between then and now. It was a lot more dangerous back then, it was crazy and the aforementioned was everyday life. He told me it was rough being a young guy growing up around older fools and savages that only knew how to do wrong... I am sitting back thinking that is some deep shit, and it's even deeper when such a young guy has to go through it...
Then he told me about a female named Shawna, and how he doesn't care what anyone has to say, but that is his baby and he loves her. He told me, I dropped my flag because of Shawna, and I did this and that because of Shawna, and for the time he spoke of this Shawna person he was free and all you could hear in his voice was elation. You had some guys who questioned if "Shawna" was even a real person or some fantasy JD had in mind, because it sounded too good to be reality... But I know JD doesn't lie, so now he gave me a reason to envy him.... I thought to myself that I have a lot, but I don't have a Shawna I can talk about like JD does right now, but I am happy for him. Over the years JD became a leader, he stopped gangbanging (and that's amazing). He writes poems and songs, he learned to fight with his mind and not always his hands, and found love in a place that's a breeding ground for hate, so when I said I have never seen JD like he is now, it was meant to be said in a good way and something really needs to be done before his days get dark again...."

I just want soooo BADLY to be able to hear ANYTHING from my JD, I can't stand it.... please keep your fingers crossed that he will be out of the health care unit... because I just don't know if I can even handle being kept away from him any longer......... :(

girl, I am so so sorry to hear that. I just want to give you a really big hug....it's terrible to feel like there's nothing you can do...and to not being able to hear from JD, telling you he's alright. 1 positive thing, at least he has someone informing you about what's going on, so at least you don't have to wonder why you haven't heard from him at all....I know that isn't much of a comfort though.

I don't know what to say...try to hang in there and make sure you're allright. take care of yourself, make sure you're taking care of yourself. JD will make it through, but he'll need you.

and feel free to vent here at any time (like you don't know that already :)) keep us informed about what's going on...and let the fear and anger and all the emotions out...if you feel like crying, just cry until you have no tears left. it doesn't matter, as long as it makes you feel better

love ya

It is so hard to feel so helpless. You know someone is hurting and you can't do anything but pray. Prayer is strong though. Don't quit and when you feel like you can't handle any more.... we are here, ready and waiting to help.

Shawna...

I am soo sorry to hear about what JD is going through!!
Stay strong throughout this...try to take care of yourself! I understand what you are going through right now w/not being able to get any kind of contact, but like Soraya said it (hopefully) is a small comfort that a friend of JD's is kind enough to keep your informed. The not knowing AT ALL is the killer, you know?
JD is a strong man & he will get through this rough time as well as you will.

I am going to keep you & JD in my thoughts & prayers (don't really pray too much)! Remember if you ever feel like talking, venting, crying...I am always an e-mail or phone call away ok!

Take care!!
Diona

Shawna, I'm so sorry to hear that. I can't imagine having to go through that! Stay strong. You have all of us on your side and thinking of you.:)

hang in there, shawna! what you're going through must be so painful, but you have the support of all of us! *hugs*

thank you all ladies, for the reassurance... I will keep you posted when I hear something... for now I am just trying to make it through each day and figure I can put off til tomorrow at the latest to hear whether or not he is still in HCU and know whether or not I will be able to see him.... so... til I know for sure, there is no reason to be too upset... or at least that is what I am telling myself... :)
Thanks for just letting me get all that off my chest and share it with y'all....

UPDATE: I GOT A LETTER FROM JD TODAY!!!!!!! I AM SO EXCITED!!!!!! He really didn't say that much about what has really been going on with him, though... he wrote "I'm f***ed up decent so we aren't gonna talk about me..." and later wrote that "just because I may smile or laugh with you on a visit or joke and play in a letter, don't think that I'm alright or OK because I am not! Every day I do in this *^&#$ joint is pushing me closer to the edge...." :(
But... he did make me smile and laugh like I haven't in the longest and I needed that... and I got to hear "I love you" and "I appreciate you" which is ALWAYS nice.... :)

ow, I'm so happy to hear you got a letter from him. It sounds like he's still not feeling really good, but who could blame him? he comes to you for some support, and he knows you'll give it to him. I don't know what kind of man JD is, if he's open or closed about his feelings? But maybe it would help a little if he can open up to you about how he feels exactly. I know this is probably hard. Darrell tells me he can't talk about his feelings 'like you females do', because he's a man. All I answered was that he knows he can trust me. that i won't think he's a sucker if he tells me he's feeling bad or whatever. that he should have at least 1 person he can feel completely free to talk about everything with. and since he doesn't want to tell this to his mom, because he doesn't want her to be worried, that he can always use my listening ear.

It's just that I've learned myself, if you keep everything to yourself, it'll eat you away, slowly.

Do you know if he received my letter yet? I will send him another one.

JDs...

I am Soo happy for you that you got a letter from JD yesterday!!! I bet that made you feel good after not being able to have a letter from him for a while, huh?
Have you had a chance to call down to Menard & see if you can visit w/him this weekend?

Soraya...
I am like that w/EJ, at first he really didn't open up that much about things that were bothering him guards, etc. that were giving him a hard time. Many times he would call or I would get a letter & I could feel things weren't right & when I asked him all I would get is..."I am tired of this locked up sh**!" Now though through much explaining on my part I have told him that he can be open w/me because he says he trusts me. Now he is open about things that bother him.

Diona

Diona, I can hear it in Darrell's voice. I'm like" why do you sound so sad" and he says: "I'm just in my little sad feelings, don't worry about it" ...and then he's like:" I better start to change my voice, you pick it up too easy"...still working on him opening up...but we have time...

You know Soraya I think it could be that they really don't want to tell us if they may be having problems w/employees or if they saw something bad happen because they don't want us to worry. Little do they know though that because we love them we are going to worry no matter what, you know?

It's really a day by day thing with trying to get EJ to tell me what's wrong when I hear his voice. All we really have had is phone calls so it's so easy for me (like you) to pick up things in his voice.

Diona

JD is actually really open with me about his feelings, but unforunately, what he is feeling these days is mostly frustration to the point of rage... If I know him, the reason he didn't get started on it in the letter is because by sitting there and writing about it he would be thinking it all over and just get himself fired up about everything.... Which is probably a good thing on his part because when he does get fired up he tends to get himself into trouble.... you know?? I still don't know if I will be able to see him or not.... I should find out later this morning.... The bottom line is that he has really pissed some people off down there and they are messing wtih him (destroying his property or not giving it to him, putting him in extreme isolation, etc....) Now, he wants me to try to fight all of this, but I know the reality is the more phone calls I make and the more letters I write, the more angry they will get and the more they will f**k with him.... So it's really just something we need to talk about in person.... you know?? He's already facing two more years of seg, which means two years of no commissary, no phone, etc... and DOC has already shown us that they will mess with mail.... take away his ability to write or withhold his mail.... and I just don't know if I can stand being cut off from him like that... and I don't know how much he can handle what they can, will and have dished out to him. I am very afraid that he will really end up getting into it and will not only get beat down, but may catch another charge..... and more time is the LAST thing we need....
Soraya... JD didn't say anything about receiving a letter from you or anyone else from PTO, but I will be sure to ask him if I get to see him or in my next letter to him!!
That's all for now... thanks for listening to me babble!! :)

Shawna,

I'm sorry that you have to deal with all of this bull from the DOC. Maybe one day someone can get something done about how they operate!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

shawna- know both you and jd are really frustreted, how could you not be? but i know it meant a lot to get that letter- just to know SOMETHING-

you have obviously become a driving and positive part of his life and i am sure he thinks of that to help him refocus when he feels his rage rising-

hang in there- better days are coming

Thanks Sherri... it looks like a better day will be tomorrow, because I will be able to go visit him tomorrow!!! YEAH!! I will get the chance to talk face to face with him about what has been going on and what we should do next... have to hurry up and pack so I can take off after my afternoon appointments.... want to get down there in time to get a few hours of sleep in a cheap little hotel so I can at least be refreshed when I see him... I have decided I just can't handle the overnight driving thing, unless it's absolutely necessary.... will update you all when I get home tomorrow night....

GOOD DEAL YOUNGIN..... SO GLAD YOU GET TO VISIT... GIVE JD A HUG FROM AN OLD WOMAN AND TELL HIM TO KEEP ON HANGING ON. YOU TOO CHILD... MAY GOD BLESS AND KEEP YOU BOTH..

DONNA

Hey I am just hulled out right now. I feel like I am going through this with you.. I am worried for both of you and keep praying everyday for him to get some peace in that madness. I hope he got my letter.. I sent it a long time ago and I have not gotten anything back.. Do you think they kept it? If so I am going to call the warden and ask what is going on.. if they want to play games I will send a letter a day that has to be signed for. then I know they got them. If they want to F@#$ with the mail they will lose.. I did that with ant and guess what he always gets his mail now.. so find out if they gave him is letter if not I will make sure they give him them from now on.. Know that..

Well, I just got back from my visit with JD and it was WONDERFUL!!! Probably the best visit we've ever had!! Sorry, Donna, no hugs as we only get a one-hour no-contact, but I told him how much is he loved about 100 times.... :) We had such a great heart to heart about this whole battle.... He thanked everyone who posted to him and wants to assure everyone that with the incident with the guy having a seizure he wasn't acting a fool... but he also told me (and told me to pass on to all here at PTO...) that he would do it all over again.. and he wants us to understand why. He said that the day when he becomes so self-centered that he wouldn't speak up for a guy in need will be the day that DOC wins, because they will have made him compromise his own values out of fear. He said that he knows in his heart and in the eyes of God he was right for speaking up... he said that he does know the risk he takes by doing so, but that he will refuse to lay down in the face of injustice no matter what the price... he says that he does try to be smart about it and not give them TOO much reason to punish him... but he said if all the guys are so afraid that they turn a blind eye to the wrong that is being done to his brother, that the corruption in DOC would be even more outrageous than it already is. He also explained to me that while he expects the CO's to be a$$holes he clings to faith in humanity through his relationships with the other guys who are in the boat with him... and he thinks that he would lose all hope the day that something happens to him and none of his "guys" have the guts to speak up for him. I agree with a lot of what he says, but he also knows where we are coming from. He said that he finally has his mind right and that through me (and PTO...) he has hope. He says that he IS focused on coming home, and that while he knows many of our efforts to speak up for him may fall on deaf ears, he still just feels better and can face each day knowing someone is speaking up. He says that he can accept anything they do to him, but the one thing he CAN NOT accept is to just lie down and take it without pointing out that it is wrong. I saw peace in his eyes for the first time in about 6 months... and it's amazing the affect that has on my heart!! I am geared up and ready to fight for him... and I know no matter what they try to do, me and him will be alright... and that day will come when we will be together...
Shortie... Just so you know, I did ask JD about his mail and he has not received ANYTHING from PTO members.... :(
And I KNOW that you are not the only person that has sent stuff out to him.... Also... he told me to tell you specifically that he LOVES the fight in you and he is so glad I know you because he knows that you will give me ideas and hope during those times when I get discouraged... he thanks you for doing research on his behalf and for being willing to spend your time to help him out when he knows you have too many of your own battles to fight....
Renee... JD also had a message to you... that he is sorry NCDOC is being so bogus to you and Butch... and to know in your heart that you did nothing wrong by having love in your heart for a man, and that in the end that love will win!!
He said he sent a letter out with some more messages for PTO, so when I get it I will post them!!! Just another thank you to EVERYONE for getting me through the rough times!!
I love each and every one of you!!
:)
Peace.......

He hasn't received any letters? Alright, Shortie, I am with you. Send the mail certified so he has to sign for it? Is that how it goes? JD.... can you give us his address again. I know it's posted here but this place has gotten so big I am loosing my place of where everything is some times :) (which I guess is a good sign!!)

Anyway, I am sending it certified also. Anyone else up for the challenge?

Joy

might just have all his mail sitting in personal property? happeened to my guy once & took like 3 weeks for them to cough it up!!

I don't really understand what the problem would be, because he IS receiving the mail I am sending, but said he hasn't gotten anything from PTO.... and I wasn't sure who all had sent mail to him or when.... For mail I send him, it takes about 2 days to arrive at the prison and another 1-2 for him to get it.... But we also discovered there is an issue with things that I have sent that he isn't allowed to receive.... if there is anything that he is not allowed, it is supposed to be returned to the sender... but they aren't doing that... I am guessing the stuff they aren't giving to him is just going in the garbage rather than them stamping it "return to sender" or taking the time to address an envelope and pay postage to return things (ie: I sent him several "Source" magazines which I guess he isn't allowed to have.... I didn't know....)

i am raging now. i am going to sit down and write him another letter and send it ceritifed tomorrow. they are pissing me off. watch this i will do it everyday and next week they will get my point. even if i just send the same letter over and over again.. i am having surgery tomorrow but i will do it before i go in

Shortie....
I will be thinking of you tomorrow... what kind of surgery do you have to have done??
I will let JD know what you all are doing for him!! He will love it!!

I've sent him one last week. It might take a little longer, but it's in an Airmail envelop. I will send on out this week too. Don't know when yet, because I'll start painting the house...but I'll make sure I do it.

Soraya... There's a pretty good chance he hadn't gotten yours yet just because it would take longer.... but I did let him know he had mail from overseas on it's way... he thought that was pretty cool... I know he will be excited to get other mail... so thanks guys!!

SHAWNA-GLAD YOU HAD SUCH A GREAT VISIT-FROM THE COMMENTS JD MADE I CAN SEE HE HAS AREAL GOOD HEAD ON HIS SHOULDERS AND I UNDERSTAND EXACTLY WHAT HE MEANT WHEN HE SADI HE CAN TAKE WHATEVER THEY DISH OUT BUT NOT WITHOUT POINTING OUT WHEN SOMETHING IS WRONG-SOUNDS LIKE HE'S GOT IT TOGETHER-AND WITH YOUR LOVE AND SUPPORT, AM SURE THAT STREGTHENS HIM EVEN MORE-MUCH LOVE TO YOU GIRL-TOMORROW DID TURN OUT TO BE A BETTER DAY!!!

SHAWNA:


YOU HAVE GOT ONE H--- OF A MAN THERE GIRL... HE IS VERY SPECIAL.... HE IS SO VERY RIGHT.... GOD BLESS AND KEEP HIM AND MAY HE COME HOME TO YOU VERY SOON.....

MY PRAYERS ARE WITH YOU AND J.D. WHEN I SAY YOU HAVE TO LEARN THE WALK, HE IS EXACTLY WHAT I MEAN.... IF YOU ARE AN INMATE WITHIN THE D.O.C., YOU MUST LEARN TO WALK AND TALK LIKE A MAN. IT DOES NOT MEAN YOU NEED TO BE A SMART ELEC....

LOVE AND GOD BLESS.


DONNA

Everyone just took the words out of my mouth. Great words of encouragement JD!

There are so many times when JD actually encourages and uplifts ME and keeps ME going, when I often think that it is my job to do that for HIM!! Guess it's a good thing that we can do it for each other.... He IS a wonderful man and I respect and admire him SO much!! :)

i re sent that letter and i am sending a card and a letter tomorrow. can you say certified mail.. i am pissed until i know he is getting my mail i am going to continue to do it that way... little mail room lady is not going to get the best of me..

YOU GET 'EM SHORTIE!!!

little mail room lady....hahahahaha I can see her right now!

This is JD's response (in a letter received today) from the advice/posts everyone gave him which I sent to him....
He writes:
" Baby, tell Shortie and everyone on PTO I said I feel them on their advice, support and concern and I love them for it. Also, tell them I swear to stay cool from here on out so I can get outta this God forsaken place!! Tell Shortie she made me cry with "footprints" because for one, it explans exactly how I feel these days and for two, my mother had that poem framed and on the wall outside her kitchen when I was younger and I remember the first of MANY times reading it as a young boy. I really hold that poem close to my heart!!"
Shortie... he also said "I was really diggin the Boys II Men song. I will always meet you in my dreams boo... :)"

he is so sweet! I'm glad he's taking the advice and staying cool!

awww....poor guy. i just cannot imagine what these guys go through everyday. i am not sure i could deal with it...i guess you just have to completely change your frame of mind *sigh*

...and what's up with all this "lost" mail??? i guess it's about control, huh? pathetic when you get off on controlling someone that essentially has no control.....

JDs...that's great that JD is going to take the advice of PTO members & stay cool. You both need him home BAD!!

April...you are so right girl!! They want to control every aspect of our guys while they are inside, little do they know is the mail is the only thing they truly can't control. That's why if they continue to mess w/EJ's, his mom's & my mail I am taking it to the postmaster there. Those letters are just as important to US as it is to our loved 1's!!