Hello!
I am doing a paper on women who marry men in prison....I am interested in your story...I have a few questions that I would like to ask you. When you talked with your family and friends about your love for this man...what did u tell them...what did you emphasize on as far as getting them to understna that you are going to stand by him....do you think this would lead to marriage?
Not to seem judgemental but do you have children? What is your occupation? You appear to be stable minded and educated...many classmates of mine agrue that the only women who marry or stay involved with prison men that are not their husbands already are either lonely or desperate or just plain dumb. I want to fight that theory....I think if they believe that then they are the one who need the help.

tell me your thoughts...I'd like to know

I sent you a private message to answer some of your questions.

We met as kids, were best friends, boyfriend and girlfriend, he is my first love, my high school sweetie. We were broken up when he got locked up in 99. I stayed in touch for the first year and half. He proposed, I never replied, was in too much shock, I was only 18 at the time. I just put him out of my mind and didn't write him again till 7 months ago, so that was almost 5 years that we were out of sync. I was moving, found his letters, wrote him and explained my reasons for dipping on him, I couldn't handle it back then, let him know what I've been up to...we got married in August :) it goes deeper than that though as far as my reasons for getting married. I am currently 25 years old. I graduated high school w/ honors, got my associates degree in college, and currently working on my BA so stable- minded and educated I do consider myself, far from lonely and desperate. I work at a mortgage company. I do not have any kids, my goals was to not have any kids till I am 30 years old. His family was and still is against our marriage, they are afraid I am going to hurt him. My friends all thought I was crazy but they know I am going to do whatever I had my mind set to do, but they are being supportive now. I didn't tell my family till afterwards, and they are ok with it too. It's not like I went out and married a complete stranger in prison that was a violent criminal (no offense to the women that are) but this is my baby that I've been knowing since I was 10 and we have alot of history together and I love him like crazy. Has it been easy, no...will it get easier, probably not...I am strong enough to handle it now, yes or else I wouldn't have gotten married. What do I tell strangers about my marriage, nothing b/c it's none of their business. Do my co-workers know I am married, yes, I tell them my husband is off in college. Am I ashamed, no I don't think I am, but co-workers are just that co-workers, all of my friends and family know where my husband is and those are the people I value in my life. Oh yeah, my husband was sentence to 20 years w/ a chance for parole after 10 years. He's already done 6 years and we are hoping he will get paroled in 2009, if he doesn't, we'll take it one day at a time. If you have any other questions, please feel free to PM me.

Hello!
I am doing a paper on women who marry men in prison....I am interested in your story...I have a few questions that I would like to ask you. When you talked with your family and friends about your love for this man...what did u tell them...what did you emphasize on as far as getting them to understna that you are going to stand by him....do you think this would lead to marriage?
Not to seem judgemental but do you have children? What is your occupation? You appear to be stable minded and educated...many classmates of mine agrue that the only women who marry or stay involved with prison men that are not their husbands already are either lonely or desperate or just plain dumb. I want to fight that theory....I think if they believe that then they are the one who need the help.

tell me your thoughts...I'd like to know

Sorry if this comes across rude and cold, but it's the bitter truth.
The only way to ever get true and real answers is to be in our shoes. So until you find that you have lost a loved one to the system you will NEVER be sucessful at writing this paper. I wish you the best of luck and your going to need it because these "classmates" are NEVER going to get clue.

Wait4him is right, unless you have walked in our shoes, you cant possibly get our feelings on paper. Your classmates. no offense, are ignorant. I married my husband in the system however we were together before hand. It had nothing to do with being dumb or lonely or needing a man to fulfill my life. I married him strictly out of love for him, we had planned on it anyway. I have a full and part time job, as well. I have a grown daughter, and I am educated. My family did not support me at the time, but oh well, I married him, they didnt. He will be home with me in about 6 weeks. It would be nice if someone did a college paper on how these men/women are treated behind the walls. Tell your classmates, with no offense intended, that there are many educated men and women behind the walls. They are human just like you and I and we, none of us, are God, so do not be judgemental, because you could be the next one looking through the razor fence....sorry if I sound bitter, it just jerks my chain that people think they know what we go through. Have a great day.

I'd love to help you... I always enjoy the opportunity to try to educate the unaware and the uninformed!!!

When you talked with your family and friends about your love for this man...what did u tell them...what did you emphasize on as far as getting them to understna that you are going to stand by him....do you think this would lead to marriage?

I told my family and friends that I had fallen deeper in love than I ever thought possible. They don't understand at all, BUT, they have learned to respect the fact that I have never been happier. They have also agreed to not judge him until he's been home year.

Not to seem judgemental but do you have children? I have 3 daughters... My oldest is an attorney and a published author. My middle daughter is the manager of a lab for a major road construction company. My youngest is an artist and designs/makes jewelry. I also have 4 step children who I am somewhat involved in their lives and 10 grandchildren.

What is your occupation? I retired from state service with full retirement benefits at the age of 53 (mental health specialist). I now work at the county level - part time to keep busy, and well so I can take great vacations! I own my own home, am financially comfortable and have what I want (within reason). I am also a Senior Staff member here on PTO, publish a monthly genealogy newsletter and help my daugher with her jewelry business.

BTW.. I don't look at it as marrying a man in prison.. I married the love of my life, who happened to BE in prison.

good luck with your project.... feel free to ask more questions....

mrsd

waitn is right and i will tell you why...
because people who is not in our situation...seems to judge us.
they think we marry an inmate only because we have nothing better to do or because we can't find someone better or we have low self respect...well let me tell all the people who believe that something...
you all are wrong...and you wont ever know our feelings until u enter our situation....
love is love...it does not matter how or where you find love...it only matters that the love is real and u know u are not gettting played....
sure some women realize they maked a mistake...but some are lucky to have found the soulmate...and no one has room to judge because what you have in one area...you lack in another....

good luck on your "paper" and and u can take this back to the class...
i love my man because he is better than any ex have ever been...
because he has proven himself...and i am NOT god so i will NOT judge...
not all ppl in there are guilty....and most ppl have only been in once and they have changed...and proved that they have changed....
in situations like this...you cant say it is all....u have to get to know the person first...
and as for my situation and my family...my family is a real family...as long as my man makes me feeel loved..and loves me right....and never hurts me...then my family accepts that...
they rather see me happy with an inmate than unhappy with a lying cheating street man!


good day to all!

I was with my husband before he was arrested but we were not married. I left for a couple of years because I felt being in a prison relationship would be just to much for me to bear.
What I ended up finding out was that being away from my guy didn't make me any happier. I was still miserable and I still thought about him every day.
So I decided I would try to go back and see if I could make it work....and yes it did end up working. We've been married for 20 years now and yes, he's still in prison, and no, I do not regret for one moment that I went back to him.
I have two sons from another relationship, one that my guy helped raise before he went to jail, and another one that I concieved during my time away from him...both of these fine young men consider my hubby to be their dad. We also have a 10 year old daughter who came along thanks to the conjugal program. she is growing up to be a very confident, well rounded child.
I will not disclose what my occupation is but I assure you I have one. I've been able to support myself and my kids in a manner that left them wanting for nothing. All of their needs have been met and they never suffered for my choice of husbands.
I married my guy because I loved him....I loved him my whole life and I will love him for the rest of it I am sure.

do well on your paper and please let us know your grade!!

penwife

I am also college educated and have been involved on several levels of the so called "Justice System." I knew my husband before he went in. I am neither hard-up or lonely. I saw a person that's heart always shone through all the trouble and despair that led him to his fate of prison. My family and friends didn't understand at first but they know me and realized that I would never go the mile if I wasn't completely behind someone and totally believed in them. Even on the outside, people will question relationships that they knowing nothing about. Opinions are "a dime a dozen." Only experience can determine. Mistakes in relationships happen with everyone, whether it be a prison one or not. The more you experience, the more you learn to accept and not be so judgmental.

Wannano-I applaud you for reaching out, and being respectful in the process. Since I didn't marry my husband in prison, I can't be of help, but I do want to wish you the best on your paper.

I work in research and education, and I think the belief that a writer has to have been in someone's shoes to understand what the subject is going through is completely false.

Wannano~ man, when I first read this thread I thought for sure all the responses were tearing you up alive. Other people have come on here in search of understanding and, to put it nicely, received NO help whatsoever. I am not married nor have I ever been, but from one student to another--Good luck with your paper!!!

People will continue to judge until they have reached true understanding.

...You appear to be stable minded and educated...
Nevertheless, something must be "wrong" if you married an inmate. :rolleyes:

~
Good Luck with your paper. I hope you find out what you wannano.

As a previous student I disagree with the people saying that until you walk in our shoes you will never know. That's what research is all about! Of course you may not know how it feels emotionally but through research you can get a better understanding of why we made our decision. So here is my response:

When I told my family and friend that I was going to marry my soul mate they tried to talk me out of it, of course. My mom said she would dis own me (Like I really believed her, I’m her baby) I didn’t really have to emphasize anything because they all knew if I was going to marry him that will be the end of discussion. I don’t expect anyone to understand why I did what I did because it is my life and I live it the way I want to! I have 2 children and he has 17 (yeah 17), but we don’t have any together. I am a senior paralegal.

I am a very stable minded and very well educated woman with a masters degree under my belt that knows how to take care of business. I have been knowing my now husband for 8 years and we have been through a lot of stuff both good and bad. I married him in jail because I love him and I was not going to let his prison time stand in the way for us becoming husband and wife under the eyes of God. Just because my husband made terrible decisions doesn’t mean I an going to quit loving him because he can’t be with me for several years. He does not have a life sentence and I know he will be home one day. Our love will stand the test of time. As for your classmates ask them if they would up and leave their boyfriends if he did something stupid. They will probably say “it depends” what if what he did didn’t actually hurt anyone and he did what he did just to make ends met. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion and to be honest I don’t expect everyone to understand why someone choose to stay with a man that’s in prison or even marry them. Like I said before, I live my life the way I want! And I wanted to marry my husband and that’s exactly what I did. Good luck on your research and let me know if there is anything else you need.
Mrs. W

Hello!
I am doing a paper on women who marry men in prison....I am interested in your story...I have a few questions that I would like to ask you. When you talked with your family and friends about your love for this man...what did u tell them...what did you emphasize on as far as getting them to understna that you are going to stand by him....do you think this would lead to marriage?
Not to seem judgemental but do you have children? What is your occupation? You appear to be stable minded and educated...many classmates of mine agrue that the only women who marry or stay involved with prison men that are not their husbands already are either lonely or desperate or just plain dumb. I want to fight that theory....I think if they believe that then they are the one who need the help.

tell me your thoughts...I'd like to know

For the record, your classmates seem rather ignorant. I wasn't going to answer this, but I will.
First, my husband and I have been together 19 years and met while he was on the street. He got locked up 5 years into our relationship--our oldest daughter was several months old. I was in law school and chose to stand by him despite the fact he was facing alot of time. I graduated law school and became an attorney and now I am an ADA in NY. Our second daughter is a prison baby and I am not ashamed to say that.
I was not lonely or have low self esteem when I married my husband. I married him while he was in prison. By the time we had gotten married, we had already been together for many years and decided it was what we wanted. Just because you marry someone in jail doesn't mean that you are lonely or desperate or dumb. Staying with a man in jail has nothing to do with whether or not you are educated or what kind of job you have or if you have money. It has to do with love and committment. I spent 13 years with my husband in prison and it wasn't easy, but I was committed to him and our marriage. My love for him is unconditional. This is his second bid and it's only 18 months, but I am doing it again. I married him for better or worse. I take my vows seriously and it shouldn't matter that they were made in a prison.
Just for the record, it takes a strong woman to do a bid with a man. I am fortunate enough to not have to struggle out here, but there are women who do struggle without their man at home and they do this because they love their man and believe in their relationship.
Don't assume that all women married to men in prison fit the stereotype your classmates have conjurred up, because we don't. There might be women out there who do, but none of the women in here do.

I agree with Mrs.W. People are ignorant until they learn. How do they learn? By someone teaching them. You do not have to go through this to understand what we, as people married to convicts deal with. You won't be able to "feel" it the way we do, but people can get a better understanding. I think what you're doing is commendable. None of us understood (or even cared!!) about the incarcerated until we were involved in some way with someone who was/is incarcerrated. We all believed the government propoganda about convicts being the worst of the worst with no redeaming value. Which just isn't the case! Almost everyone has something good about them, even if it is that they love their mother!! The people who try to understand are the open minded and those fortunate enough to know someone who is willing to teach them will learn alot!! And maybe go one to teach others!

I met my husband as a pen pal. He knew my boyfriend and called the house from prison to ask him a favor. My boyfriend and I had not been getting along for a LONG time and he had left and had been gone for about a week when Sonny called looking for him. In talking to Sonny he asked if I would try to find him a pen pal, he was lonely. I had never had a pen pal before and I looked but no one wanted to write to someone in prison! They were all afraid he might get out and do something to them or who knows what? My boyfriend came home. I started writing Sonny as a pen pal with my boyfriends knowledge because no one else would. We became good friends and talked about everything! Including him trying to help me and my boyfriends relationship. He was so sweet and really cared about me. Because I cared about him? I don't know but my boyfriend and my relationship finally fell apart after 5 years and Sonny and I kept writing and eventually we realized we had fallen in love.

I have lots of friends and most are men so I am not lonely. I have a 17 year old son and work full time as a graphic designer for a museum. I have two bachelor degrees. I support myself and my son and help alot of people who need help.

Sonny and I got married almost 3 years ago and I think our relationship has been the best I have ever had. We have built a relationship on friendship, trust and caring. We have not been together sexually. We have 5 more years before that will happen. But our marriage is better, I think, because of it. We are learning to communicate at a level that I have never experienced with another man. Because we have to to stay connected! I'm sure our relationship wouldn't be anywhere as close as it is now if we had met and been together on the streets.

There are good and bad in everything! And that includes the incarcerated. But there are a lot of good hearted people in prison who just made mistakes. For whatever reason.

When I told my family about marrying Sonny my sister was like "You can come visit any time, but not your husband." And that's okay. My brother wes like "Are you sure that's what you want?" and when I said I was, he was very supportive. The people at where I work, the business manager through me a wedding shower!! There was over 100 people from my work there and they all gave paper gifts, stamps, stationary, gift certificates to gas stations, hotels, car repairs, cash, you name it!! All the things I needed to stay in touch with my husband!! It was very heartwarming! On every table they had a topiary with a photo of me and my husband on our wedding day and a photo of our marriage certificate!! It was soooo cute!!!

Some of the womens reactions on here really bother me. They assume that no one else cares or could understand. What about women who's husbands are in the military? Or who are an the road all the time? We all have our problems. And as a convicts wife, alot come up against a lot of opposition and eventually become bitter. I, for one, don't care what others think of me but it would be nice if more attention was brought to the problems of predjudice and stereotyping. Thank you for the opportunity to help inlighten some people who otherwise might not get the chance to learn anything outside their "world."

If you want to know anything else, just PM me!!

Telling people they are rude, ignorant or unable to ever understand, does not help them understand does it? It just confirms to them what they already thought of you.

I'll answer, even though I've not married him yet.

When you talked with your family and friends about your love for this man...what did u tell them...what did you emphasize on as far as getting them to understna that you are going to stand by him....do you think this would lead to marriage?

Ray & my relationship started 3 months before his crime as an online thing, which didnt trouble my friends at all because most of my real life friends started off the same way. What bothered them more was that he is American and so far away, because they wanted to see me settled and happy with someone here. I dont have close family except my daughter so that wasnt really an issue. She is a teenager and really isnt very interested in what I do (she lives with her father), but she has known all along about Ray.

Then Ray did what he did, and my friends got me through those first few days, I would not be here without them. But my best friend had a BIG problem with what Ray did, and still does. I can understand her concern, for me and in general, but she just cant get her head round me wanting to wait for someone for such a long time and foregoing the physical aspect of a relationship. It hurts, and we rarely talk about Ray now, mainly because she will just give a short comment and then change the subject. My other friends have been mostly ok about it all, I'm not the most conventional person and neither are they, so there is no judgement over it all. They also know how I feel about marriage ~ I've been adamant that I would never marry anyone for so long, it has come as as much a shock to me that I feel this way as it has to them! But once I sit down and explain the way the system works, what we are dealing with, and how I have reconciled myself to it (almost completely now), then they are supportive. If Ray were not in prison, we most likely would not get married. But he is, so it's more than likely we will.

Not to seem judgemental but do you have children?

I dont see this as being judgemental at all, I am glad that you asked. I have a teenage daughter, and Ray has 2 sons her age and older. As I said, Lily know what happened, as many basic details as she needed to know. Yes, she worries for my safety, but as I've explained to her, Ray cant hurt me physically where he is, and he'll be there till he's an old man. Her father hurt me physically, so she understands how things are. At the moment she doesnt really want to meet Ray, and to be honest, she doesnt have to.

What is your occupation?

I've done a lot of things but at the moment I work as an educational researcher, full time. I have a degree and I've done some postgraduate study too. I've travelled and I have lots of other interests.

You appear to be stable minded and educated...many classmates of mine agrue that the only women who marry or stay involved with prison men that are not their husbands already are either lonely or desperate or just plain dumb.

Lonely? No, as I said I have good friends who have looked after me through several life changing events and who have offered to be there for me again as I'm facing 2 major operations in the next 2 years. I am alone a lot of the time, but not lonely. Desperate? What for exactly? If I were desperate for foil packed tuna, or actually enjoyed spending what little money I have spare on supporting Ray instead of getting things I need for my home and myself and my daughter, or so scared of physical contact, then I guess it would make sense to call me desperate. But I'm not. And dumb? Decide for yourself. If I chose to set myself the task of going out on a Friday night and winding up in another man's bed by Saturday morning, I am confident I could achieve it. But I chose not to because I would rather wait to be with Ray.

I want to fight that theory....I think if they believe that then they are the one who need the help.

If you have anymore questions, just ask :)

Not to seem judgemental but do you have children? What is your occupation? You appear to be stable minded and educated...many classmates of mine agrue that the only women who marry or stay involved with prison men that are not their husbands already are either lonely or desperate or just plain dumb.

Wannano ~ I have something that your classmates could possibly relate to...Tell them to think back to a time where they lost a loved one to an untimely death. NOW YOU ARE IN OUR SHOES, only we lost our loved ones to the Justice System.

Ask your classmates if they think that their character, education or moral values had anything to do with the timing of their loved one's death. Because I, (as well as many others probably feel), do not feel that who I was then and who I am today had any bearing on the crime committed and the time to be served. He has taken on his responsibility as a man to do what is expected of him, and that's to simply do the time for the crime that was committed.

Ask your classmates if they were granted the opportunity to bring that loved one back by simply being supportive to him or her, would they do it? Well that is what I am doing today, only there is no loss of life involved. Loss of freedom maybe, but there is still hope for him as this is his first offense. You see, I don't mean to pass judgment or anything, but it seems like the people in society that misconstrue women like us have simply NEVER LOVED BEFORE. If you truly love someone, you love them for better or worse, through thick and thin. Just because a judge has imposed a sentence on my man does not mean that his ruling has any impact or bearing on the love that we've had since 2001. If anything, it's done nothing but gotten stronger and stronger over each passing year.

The last thing that I would like for you to share with your classmates is whether they realize or not, the "prison society" is the largest group of diverse individuals. You have doctors, lawyers, politicians, insurance brokers, nurses, teachers, prostitutes, pimps, drug dealers and let me not forget students! So make sure that they remember that with the blink of an eye, they may in fact walk in our shoes at some point in their lives. My motto has always been "Don't knock it until you've tried it"

Good luck on your paper!!

Wannano ~ I have something that your classmates could possibly relate to...Tell them to think back to a time where they lost a loved one to an untimely death. NOW YOU ARE IN OUR SHOES, only we lost our loved ones to the Justice System.

Ask your classmates if they think that their character, education or moral values had anything to do with the timing of their loved one's death. Because I, (as well as many others probably feel), do not feel that who I was then and who I am today had any bearing on the crime committed and the time to be served. He has taken on his responsibility as a man to do what is expected of him, and that's to simply do the time for the crime that was committed.

Ask your classmates if they were granted the opportunity to bring that loved one back by simply being supportive to him or her, would they do it? Well that is what I am doing today, only there is no loss of life involved. Loss of freedom maybe, but there is still hope for him as this is his first offense. You see, I don't mean to pass judgment or anything, but it seems like the people in society that misconstrue women like us have simply NEVER LOVED BEFORE. If you truly love someone, you love them for better or worse, through thick and thin. Just because a judge has imposed a sentence on my man does not mean that his ruling has any impact or bearing on the love that we've had since 2001. If anything, it's done nothing but gotten stronger and stronger over each passing year.

The last thing that I would like for you to share with your classmates is whether they realize or not, the "prison society" is the largest group of diverse individuals. You have doctors, lawyers, politicians, insurance brokers, nurses, teachers, prostitutes, pimps, drug dealers and let me not forget students! So make sure that they remember that with the blink of an eye, they may in fact walk in our shoes at some point in their lives. My motto has always been "Don't knock it until you've tried it"

Good luck on your paper!!

:thumbsup: :thumbsup: :thumbsup:

I have not married since my man has been gone, but I do wish you the best with your research. So much of the ignorance surrounding the lives of inmates and those that love them is because so often when people search for answers they are shot down.

I wish you the best with your paper! And thank you for thinking enough of this topic to do the research with people who actually live it every day!

Wow...this was my first reaction to alot of the posts to this person't request... I haven't married my man yet, although I plan to soon upon his release...I am an RN who worked at the facility my man(notice I don't refer to him as my inmate) was incarcerated...I didn't go looking, nor was I lonely or dumb to the life or the system...but upon meeting him I knew he was differen than the other 2,500 people that were also incarcerated at the facility. We became friends...and still are however our relationship is so much more... for the whole story PM me...as a former student I wish you good luck on your paper and hopefully it will open the eyes of the unknown...

Snowbaby

As other have said Noone will know WHY until they are standing in our shoes!!

I met my husband in 1974...He was my 1st love. We dated became engaged and broke up at least a dozen times until 1979. I moved He moved we lost touch until July 2001.
I found him in prison..I had an idea where he was My mom and his mom kept in touch. I wrote to him and one thing lead to another.

I married him on June 15th 2004. He is still in prison but will be out in 2006. He is and always will be the Love of my life!

I have some college no degree, only 2 jobs in my adult life...one for 10 yrs this one for 14 yrs. I'm in Information Technology. I own my own home and well for money things have been better but I'm doing ok. My husbands son came to live with me when he was 15. He will soon be 18.

I love my life, my husband, my friends, my family whom support the decision I made.

Good Luck on your paper and feel free to PM me any time...

Renee

you go girl.Me myself is 21 i been with my fiancee since i was 15 he has been in for 3yrs now and have 4 more yrs to do.We is do to get married in june of this year 05.I am a full time college student i to graduated from high school with honors.I have 1more year to go before i have my associates degree in mortuary science and a following 2years for my bachelor's degree in crime scene investigation. I have no kids I work at allstate insurance corporate office and far away from desprate or lonely .I promised my fiancee we well get through this.it's just a bump in the road.and i keep telling him when it rains the sun always shine again.I love this boy with all my heart.no one every made me feel like he do even when he's been away from me for so long.I'm gone make this man my husband regardless of what anyone says.I care less what people thinks off me long as i"m happy cause they gon have they opinion anyways.So keep your head up and he will get throught this bump in the road.All of us will

no youdidn'tcomeacross rude...but real. I understand what you r saying...but this is not apaperfrom my point of view it is from the views of allwomen and women with different backgrounds...my feedback has been awesome and i thank the forum again...and we will come off on this paper...women who marry men in prison...prison love...prison passion....will be heard from the horse's mouth and understood...don't underestimate the power of women when we come together whether we agree or disagree...

Thnx for the response

gonna use your post in my paper...but one more question regarding your abusive husand?Is that what made u seek love inside prison walls? Lack of physical contact? What was his crime?

I do not disagree with prison love. At one time I had a prison love...started out friendship then relationship...but I was young then atleast17 years old couldn't keep upwith the dedication part...but...i know now it was because I was not being loved or heard at home...i can't say it was rebellion becuasemy parent had no clue but the attention was awesome...I may have even had low self esteem at the time..due to my weight then...he made me feel blessed andappreciated...but there is no comparison to death...death comes likea theif in the night...the police...if u commit the crime and get caught you know they are coming...but I will ask to get the feedback..keepu posted..thnx for the response.

thnx

thnx....I think people should here about this topic from the horse's mouth .society is so quick to analyze

will do....thnx

wow! This is different from the other posts...may use it in my paper thnx

wannano ~ was your question for me?

I'll answer as if it was and if it wasnt, then ignore it :)

My ex and I were not married but we were together for 17 years. He is an alcoholic, he'd been sober for 6 years but we grew apart, wanted different things, and when I told him I was leaving he got very drunk, apologised in advance to our daughter, waited for me to return home after seeing a female friend and beat me up. It was our daughter who got between us and got me the phone to call the police. The surgery I mentioned is partly due to a fractured hip I got that night.

Ray is an addict too, not alcohol, but he's been using one thing and another for 30 years. If anyone seriously thinks I wanted to swap one messed up relationship for another then they are the ones with a problem not me! When I left my ex, this was supposed to be my time for me (we'd been togther since I was 16 and I've never been with another man besides him), my independence, I know who I am and I wanted to show everyone else. Ray wasnt an inmate when we started talking, but he told me right at the beginning that he was in recovery, and we truely were both only looking for interesting people to talk to at that time. Except 6 hours conversation later, I was absolutely hooked. I'd been to Toronto earlier in the year and I was looking for Canadians to talk to, not Texans LOL

We're both older, I'm 35 and Ray is 45, we both agreed that we were tired of all the BS and that if we were going to do this it would have to be with 100% honesty. I am confident that he has only lied to me once in our 17 months together and that was on the night of his crime. He knows he's had his one and only warning, about lying and about the substance abuse ~ however much I love him, I am not giving him 20 years of my time if he cant keep his word, and he knows if he slips up again he'll be doing the rest of his time without me.

His crime is patricide. If we could have the physical, I'd be there right now believe me, but I spent way too long inside a relationship where I felt it was the sex that was wanted and not me to go out and have casual sex with anyone now. I feel lucky that we had those 3 months before he was arrested, because it takes away some of the 'he only wants me while he's inside' feelings. I love him, I dont want to be with anyone else.

wannano - I have lost two children due to death, my oldest was 20 when she passed away and 8 months pregnant, my son was 14. I have some closure with their deaths bc I know that they are with God in Heaven and are happy. My husband is in a living hell each and every day for a crme that he did not commit. He is an educated man, as well. We, as the wife or the mate of our men have to be very strong. We love our men. We unite on this site for love and support that the outside world is unable to provide us. Unless a person has been in our situation they can not or do not try to understand. My husband is just that, he is my husband, I love this man and will stand by his side, giving him the love and support that he needs to get through this horrific ordeal. He will be with me, God willing in the first of 2006, but for those of us whose loved ones have long term of life bids, I do not think its an isssue with self respect or being dumb or needing the attention of a man. Its love, pure and simple.

I do not disagree with prison love. At one time I had a prison love...started out friendship then relationship...but I was young then atleast17 years old couldn't keep upwith the dedication part...but...i know now it was because I was not being loved or heard at home...i can't say it was rebellion becuasemy parent had no clue but the attention was awesome...I may have even had low self esteem at the time..due to my weight then...he made me feel blessed andappreciated...but there is no comparison to death...death comes likea theif in the night...the police...if u commit the crime and get caught you know they are coming...but I will ask to get the feedback..keepu posted..thnx for the response.

I don't think that you came across rude, perhaps I was rude. However, I still honestly feel no one will understand exactly how a waiting girfriend, wife, mother, ect. will feel without dealing with what all of us women have dealt with.
Until "someone" has to...
-look at their love one through a wire fence/ sheet of glass.
-surround their life around a 15 minute phone call that may or may not happen.
-See their loved one, one day a week and for that whole day you are sicken by the thought of leaving them there.
-face the fact that you and loved one's no longer have control over your life.
THEY WILL NOT UNDERSTAND!

Many of us not only wait day after day for these men, we marry them, we try to be a family with them, and most of all we believe in them when all odds are against them. They did their wrong, they are doing their time, most inmates have their photos on the internet for everyone to see; why can't people just leave them alone. Why knock their only support? Why make them out to be something they are not? The difference between an average joe and an inmate is, the inmate got caught. Bottom line... we do this because we want to, not out of abuse, or stupidity; but out of faith and trust (like any relationship) but most of all we do this because
WE LOVE THESE INMATES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You said you have been there, done that, and don't judge us, and then
you said.... but I was young!?!

Noone will get it unless they experience it, Im sorry. Its so easy to judge until its your father/husband/brother that screws up.
I am stable, to say the least, and i dated my man before he went in. I dated others for a long time after he went in, but I did not love any of them the way i love my fiancee. SO i decided to stop trying to replace him and accept that he is the one for me, and i will stand by him. Love is love, sometimes there isnt a good explanation. This is the HARDEST choice, its way easier to date someone on the outside, but whats the point if you dont love them? My man got 50 years. He was only 18 when he screwed up. But i love him, more than i can tell you, and thats why i will marry him.

Wannano, I sent t his post to my husband, he called tonight and said he wrote a letter for you,I should get it wed, and will post it for you....have a great day.