I thought we could use these threads for some brainstorming...

What are some of your ideas on making the tough circumstances our kids are dealing with a little bit easier?

When I first went to prison, I was so overwhelmed with guilt, because I was not there for my children. But if I think about it, I wasnt really there before I went to prison either. My criminal activity, and past drug use took me away from children many different times. In prison, I found out that kids are a trip, because they are resilient. My children adjusted pretty good without my being there. There were times when I know that they really did miss me, but somehow they found strength, that got them through my 3 years. I think, number 1, if your child is old enough to know what's really going on, then be honest with them, They will handle the honesty better than the lies. And also we show them by example how to be open and honest. My younger daughter was 10 years old when I went to prison. Being a girl of course she would miss m.. The truth is that if I didnt go away to prison, and change my life. Then what kind of example do you think I would be for her today? Surely she would follow in my footsteps, and that's not what I wanted. Get your kids involved with activities, Sports, Church, Social Clubs or 4-H clubs, they will find all the positive support, their own age, that they could use.
Aloha, Kaleilehua
Aloha, Kaleilehua

I think keeping the kids busy being carefree kids as much as possible is the best thing. Giving careful thought and care to what we say when they might be listening is real important, too, because kids hear things when we don't even know they're around. It's best to discuss the down side when they're not around. Also, finding a way to help kids understand that the loved one made a mistake, but isn't a bad person, is really important. Kids will take on things personally that we don't even realize, and if a parent is portrayed as being "bad" then they feel in some way they might be bad too, so it helps to talk with them about this if they've been exposed to some of society's attitudes that prisoners are bad people. The less they have to dwell on where their parent or loved one is, the better. They need to have lots of activities that will hold their attention and use up their energy so that the cloud of having someone in prison isn't going to have too big a negative effect on them. Kids take on our attitudes about things, and if we act like this is a HUGE tragedy and a terrible thing to live with, then that's how it's going to affect them. If we show them that it's a difficulty among many in life, but that we can still love our loved one and get through it, they're going to have a much less negative effect from it. Another very important thing is that we have to concentrate on the kids and not allow our preoccupation with the one locked up to take anything away from them-----certainly not take anything away financially and materially more than absolutely necessary, but more importantly, we can't let it take away from the kids emotionally. We have to be THERE with the kids, not miles away with the loved one mentally and emotionally when we should be present with the kids and their needs and feelings.

We also shouldn't portray our prisoner as being a victim of circumstance. It's important for children to know that the person made bad choices and that we pay consequences for bad choices, so they're paying consequences, but that the children can learn from it for their own lives and carefully consider the choices they'll make as they go along. I stress this because I've seen too many families whose children grow up to follow in the footsteps of parents who have been in prison, and I truly believe it's because they've grown up believing that we're victims of circumstance (poverty or whatever) and that society is geared to where you can't win anyway. Kids with parents in prison have a hard time anyway trying to keep self esteem when others may give them a hard time about being the child of someone doing time, so they need extra support and encouragement to help them hold the hope that they can still go on and have the same chances in life that anyone else has who hasn't had someone in prison.

My son is 3. He was born after his father went to prison. I know he is young now and things may change later. But we "write" his dad letters and his dad writes back. He talks to his dad whenever he can on the phone and we visit often.

The hard part for us is the visits. He gets bored after about 15 minutes and there's nothing he can do which ususally gets him in trouble with his dad and me. It would be nice if they had some toys or a play area where the kids could go. I think it would even help if the parents could play with their kids. That would mean the world to my son and his father.

I've already started teaching my son about respect and what's right and wrong. A lot of people think that you can't do that until children are older. Personally I think you can start at an early age teaching simple things. When he gets older, he will know the difference between right and wrong and he will also know that if you do something wrong there will be consequences.

My son is also 3 and shamefully enough his father has been in prison for 6 months now and he had not seen him for 6 months & 11 days and just last night I was finally honest with him about it. Up until last night I had been telling him daddy was on a very long road trip, and we could talk to him every other day and write letters but not see him. Well obviously this was wearing itself thin, and my husband is dying to see his son, so I had to break down and tell him last night. It was hard for me because really my husband is a wonderful father and I did not want to make my son think he was bad, but it surprised me how well he understood. I took him out to eat and after his ice cream I just said: Aiden you miss your daddy an awful lot don't you. Of course he did, so I apologized to him for lying and just explained that daddy did something bad and was on an extra long timeout and he needed to take his punishment, but we could go see him. He was actually soooo happy even at 3 to hear the truth, and I will be taking him on his first visitation Saturday. I have decided that even with kids honesty is the best policy.

My son did way better than I thought he would. He is 6 and had adjusted very well, however, the sad part is, he was already used to his daddy never being home, because he was always gone with his friends anyway :(

We do go to visit every weekend and I keep him involved by helping him with sending his daddy pictures and letters each week.

Hi. My husband has been in prison for 21 years and we have a 14-year-old son. When my husband was in state prison, the warden and governor actually allowed us to have a child by A.I., so we are blessed. So in one way, our son has never had to deal with his father being arrested or leaving but does deal with not having him at home and visiting him in prison. I read the post about no toys, etc. in the visiting room. We've dealt with this in a couple of ways. First, my husband had thought of really creative ways to play with our son when he was little. They made armies out of the coins for the vending machine. they had playing cards, so they used those for all different made-up games. My husband made thing like birds and planes out of the foil tops from yogurt or soup containers. They built little forts with the empty food containers. They rolled my son's hooded sweatshirt into a ball and tied the hood string around it and played catch. We'd tell a story with each person taking a turn to add to the story. We'd play I-SPY. My husband would tickle him and pretend to remove his nose or ear, etc. You just have to be able to be silly and imaginative. The other thing I did was contact a local church group and ask them to collect some donated childrens books and then contact the chaplain at the prison to place them in the visiting room. That worked. (They didn't allow visitors to donate stuff.) Then the prisoners could read to their kids. Just some ideas - I know it isn't easy! Zelda

My father has been in prison since I was a year old. I wont lie and say it has all been good. Of course there have been tough times. I have a very close relationship with my father and I credit both my parents with that because even when my parents had problems they never involved my brother and I or used us as pawns as some parents unconsciously may do. Even if they were not speaking my mother always took calles from my dad and tried to foster the best relationship she could. Since I am an expert at having an incarcerated parent (all children of incarcerated parents are by circumstance) I speak in parenting classes in NYS prisons. The one thing I stress is no lies no matter what. Children are smart, sometimes smarter than they are given credit for and deserve to be told the truth. Also please, please, please do not refer to someone in the "box" or being locked down or in the "pen" because while children are smart they have great imaginations and can imagine a parent in a "box" or "locked up" usually they imagine the worst. PM me if you have any comments or want to talk.

Thank you for sharing your experiences Child..I think it is beautiful that you have a good relationship with your dad and I am glad you found us here at PTO!!!!! WELCOME!

That's great that you present information at prison parenting programs! Did you visit your dad regularly while growing up? If so, were there times you didn't want to visit? My son has always wanted to visit his dad but recently has declined to go except about every third time. I think it's because the visiting room is more boring now that he's a teenager and he's not a big conversationlist. Plus he has other interests - friends, etc. I don't want him to lose the good relationship with his dad that he has - but I don't know if I should MAKE him go or leave it up to him at this age. So far, I haven't forced the issue. Anyone have ideas on this? Zelda

well my mother has been in jail for all most two years now and there's time when i needed a mother figger and couldnt get it. I think we can make it easier for the chilren if we started a progeram for kids or teens with incarserated parents could go or call to get the atechtion they need ...like i needed .. me i have always had a bad relationship with my mom and dad well i'v never had a relation with my father i dont know who he is. I dont think i want to anyways....Im a middle child of three and im the only one with a diffarent father. I know what his name is and all but never realy wanted to find him or even tried.Everyone say i should and i wonder should I..????? and When would be the best time to..??...and How should i go about finding him...?..and even if i did find him what if he did'nt want to be found..?.. what would i do or say...??..
It wuold be the scariest thing i would ever have to go through........
So im asking what do you think...?????????????

You don't say how old you are - but you do say that you have not wanted to find your father. My advice is not to look for him just because other people say you should. There are a lot of things to consider in looking for him and there will be issues to deal with if you find him. If you go online to some web pages of organizations who help people look for their birth parents, you can find some good information about making the decisions and the issues you might have to deal with. Go with your inner spirit - not what people tell you that you "should" do. As for having a parent in prison, you can see the post at the top of this forum about mentors for children with incarcerated parents. That's a start, I think, in many places. Also, if you are missing a "mother figure" in your heart, you might try volunteering at some place that helps older people. You might just find someone who would love to be your friend/ mother figure. Zelda

From my own personal experience with having to deal with your parents in prision is to keep the children really busy and to the poeple who are taking care of these children give them extra special love and lots of talks and be extremly honest. My brother sister and I had no idea our parents were going to prison I was 12 my brother was 14 and my sister was 4. I went to school one day and came home to my aunt and uncle who I hardly knew packing our things and telling us we had to come live with them and that our parents wouldnt be back for a long time talk about an extreme shock. If my parents would of been open and honest with us and prepared us for what was to come I think we could of and would of dealt with the situation much better than we did. Kids are smarter than we think and can deal with things pretty well if it is all laid out in the open. All I can say is love these children and be the best example you can be for them while they are in your care you are all they have to love them. I hope one day I can fullfill my dream of helping some children who have parents in prison and giving them the understanding that I was nver given. And for all you kids who are reading this please dont worry you are not alone.

My dad was in prison for most of my childhood and if I could change anything it would be to ask both my parents to be honest about how things were. We all had to live a big secret - too much to ask any kid I think. I'd say honesty helps loads, keeps things in the open.

Hello, my Dad went to prison when I was 4 years old and he was in for almost 8 years. Being Daddy's little girl it was a hard time for me, and my family. I always used the thought of having to go to prison as a scary thing and I stayed out of trouble because of it. I never lied about where my Dad was and I explained to others that he did something that he shouldn't and now he is paying his dues to society. I forgave my Dad for what he did, but I never forgot. I still cry and get upset when I think about it or talk about it, but I found that once I let it out then I'm o.k. with it. I am presently a psyc major who is doing a research paper on what other adults of incarcerated parents did to be positive and strong adults. I think that if we find out what us as adults did as children while our parents were in jail then we may come up with a way to teach the children whose parents in jail now can cope with things better. I would love to get any information from you as I can. I would need your age, your age when your parent was incarcerated, and what type of way you learned to deal with the situation. We need all the positive outlooks and ideas we can get so that the children today don't have to go through the pain and confusion of what is going on. I remember when they came and took my Dad, the next day after a long unsleepfull night, I remember thinking to myself that if I wore my pretty red dress and looked cute that they would let my Daddy out. Back then (1971) they didn't have anyone to help with the children or wives, so we were left scared and confussed, visitations were also scary because everything was so grey and isolated, I am also going to do a research paper on having a controlled environment for children of inmates. I think the if the visitation rooms were a little more homey then that would ease the fear a little. Thank you for reading my story and I hope I can get some info from others like me, a well rounded positive, secure individual.

My son is also 3 and shamefully enough his father has been in prison for 6 months now and he had not seen him for 6 months & 11 days and just last night I was finally honest with him about it. Up until last night I had been telling him daddy was on a very long road trip, and we could talk to him every other day and write letters but not see him. Well obviously this was wearing itself thin, and my husband is dying to see his son, so I had to break down and tell him last night. It was hard for me because really my husband is a wonderful father and I did not want to make my son think he was bad, but it surprised me how well he understood. I took him out to eat and after his ice cream I just said: Aiden you miss your daddy an awful lot don't you. Of course he did, so I apologized to him for lying and just explained that daddy did something bad and was on an extra long timeout and he needed to take his punishment, but we could go see him. He was actually soooo happy even at 3 to hear the truth, and I will be taking him on his first visitation Saturday. I have decided that even with kids honesty is the best policy.
I have a five year old (turned 5 last Thursday) and even though we visit every week he thinks Daddy is working. He is at that weird age where explaining the concept of prison can be tough, but that time-out idea is great!! I never thought of that! My son has a speech delay so his receptive skills are not age appropriate so some concepts are hard for him , which is why we have been saying the "working" thing. He thinks only daddies work there. But truly you have given me the best idea. The way you spoke to your son is just wonderful. Sites like these are a great source of ideas. THANKS!!

My daughter's father is in Fed prison. Because he is states away, we don't visit him. When we get our five minute phone calls, I fill him in on what she is doing in school. What keeps them close is that he sends her little tests to do and send back to him. He might give her questions related to school work, or silly questions to make her laugh like is a chicken the fasted animal. They also have an on going story, he starts it and writes a paragraph and then she writes one and sends it back to him. I didn't tell her that he was in prison, but she found out when she answered the phone the other day and it said that the call was from a federal correction institute. She then asked him "daddy are you in jail?" She was a little sad to hear the truth, but accepted it.

This is really the only life our children have known with their father. They were conceived while he was already inside. Our life has always been trailers visits, phone calls and letters.

Our girls are 13 and 15 years old now and they have grown into wonderful young ladies. We have always maintained open and honest communication with them. They know that their daddy made a grave mistake and many bad choices years ago when he was very young and that he is paying his debt to society. My husband has been inside for 22 years. They know that he will be eligible for parole in a few years and that this is no guarantee. They love and have accepted their father for the man he is--not the man he was before they even knew him.

Keeping kids active too makes most situations easier to deal with. Being open and honest about all that we are going through too as the parents outisde has helped us too. Now that they are older, I feel more free to express my feelings too about all of this with them. They have seen me cry when I am missing their dad really bad. I think this helps them to know that we are really a family even though we may be the typical family. Our love and family is a very real and active part of our lives.

HEY im pregnant right now im due in january the father of my baby is locked up how do i help them to have a bond what d you do to stay in contact with your parents?

I thought we could use these threads for some brainstorming...

What are some of your ideas on making the tough circumstances our kids are dealing with a little bit easier?


We need to be HONEST about what has happened. And the fact is what has happened is NOT okay. Dont try to down play any of the feelings kids have. Encourage them to talk, but to talk to the right people. When my husband first went away I didnt want my daughter tio feel ashamed about who he was and I encouraged hert not to lie, yes her dads in priosn. Now many years later I tell her that she can just say her mom and dad dont live together. Not a llie but not giving ourt so much info. Kids and grownups can be very nasty.

stayedfocused

you have a right to find your father. even if he does turn his back on you after you find him at least you will have known. instead of wondering if he wants to know where you are, what if he is looking for you or what ever. you have a right as his daughter to find him. its hard i wish you luck. i love the fact that you are doing a research paper on that topic. i think they do need to change things. my sons' dad is in prison for something that he did, my boys should not be punished for that. the prisons need to relize that they are dealing with families and little kids that need to be treated as such. it is very hard are kids anything we can do to make it easier the better. they suffer enough with daddy being gone. we need to break down the walls so that thekids can bond with their dad on visiting day not be terrified out of their minds.

I thought we could use these threads for some brainstorming...

What are some of your ideas on making the tough circumstances our kids are dealing with a little bit easier?

well i lost my father to the system when i was a vey young child and he served 20 years in our canadian system and well to be honest tell ur children the truth.. my mother was not honest to me as to why my father was not with us and well i grew up and found out the truth the hard way and resented her for a very long time... patience and understanding goes along way.... and us children do understand more then people think and we might be young for some of us but we just want the truth.. even if its not good truth but we deal with it..... give them space and let them make the initial contact... they will come around... let them write letters and stuff that they age appropiate can do.... i found talking about it helped alot and i did research on my old when i got to the teenage years....

my kids are 3 and 4 years old and as soon as my husbands visiting list is approved i planned on us going to vist him. should i go alone first and see how the facility is or take the kids on my first trip?

My son is also 3 and shamefully enough his father has been in prison for 6 months now and he had not seen him for 6 months & 11 days and just last night I was finally honest with him about it. Up until last night I had been telling him daddy was on a very long road trip, and we could talk to him every other day and write letters but not see him. Well obviously this was wearing itself thin, and my husband is dying to see his son, so I had to break down and tell him last night. It was hard for me because really my husband is a wonderful father and I did not want to make my son think he was bad, but it surprised me how well he understood. I took him out to eat and after his ice cream I just said: Aiden you miss your daddy an awful lot don't you. Of course he did, so I apologized to him for lying and just explained that daddy did something bad and was on an extra long timeout and he needed to take his punishment, but we could go see him. He was actually soooo happy even at 3 to hear the truth, and I will be taking him on his first visitation Saturday. I have decided that even with kids honesty is the best policy.
I am tears after reading your comment. Kids are amazing little people. My son is 3 and we will be breaking the news to him soon. I couldn't decide what to tell him; however, after reading all of the suggestions from other parents and with prayer, we have decided to tell him the truth. Now, I am just trying to figure out when the best time is to tell him... his daddy will be leaving at the end of October....

THANKS SO MUCH FOR all that you wrote here. You couldn't of hit it more on the nose for me if I were to write it myself, I couldn't believe it. I sat here reading it, thinking OH MY GOD what have I done to my children already./ It's only been 8 months and for the first 6 I was in a state of shock and treated it just like you said it shouldn't be......and you're sooooo right. I have been trying to get my head out of my ass for myself, but mainly for my two children, because they deserve soooo much, but will be more aware of my actions and things I say and how I respond to certain things thanks to you. THANKS AGAIN, Michelle (Las Vegas)


I think keeping the kids busy being carefree kids as much as possible is the best thing. Giving careful thought and care to what we say when they might be listening is real important, too, because kids hear things when we don't even know they're around. It's best to discuss the down side when they're not around. Also, finding a way to help kids understand that the loved one made a mistake, but isn't a bad person, is really important. Kids will take on things personally that we don't even realize, and if a parent is portrayed as being "bad" then they feel in some way they might be bad too, so it helps to talk with them about this if they've been exposed to some of society's attitudes that prisoners are bad people. The less they have to dwell on where their parent or loved one is, the better. They need to have lots of activities that will hold their attention and use up their energy so that the cloud of having someone in prison isn't going to have too big a negative effect on them. Kids take on our attitudes about things, and if we act like this is a HUGE tragedy and a terrible thing to live with, then that's how it's going to affect them. If we show them that it's a difficulty among many in life, but that we can still love our loved one and get through it, they're going to have a much less negative effect from it. Another very important thing is that we have to concentrate on the kids and not allow our preoccupation with the one locked up to take anything away from them-----certainly not take anything away financially and materially more than absolutely necessary, but more importantly, we can't let it take away from the kids emotionally. We have to be THERE with the kids, not miles away with the loved one mentally and emotionally when we should be present with the kids and their needs and feelings.

We also shouldn't portray our prisoner as being a victim of circumstance. It's important for children to know that the person made bad choices and that we pay consequences for bad choices, so they're paying consequences, but that the children can learn from it for their own lives and carefully consider the choices they'll make as they go along. I stress this because I've seen too many families whose children grow up to follow in the footsteps of parents who have been in prison, and I truly believe it's because they've grown up believing that we're victims of circumstance (poverty or whatever) and that society is geared to where you can't win anyway. Kids with parents in prison have a hard time anyway trying to keep self esteem when others may give them a hard time about being the child of someone doing time, so they need extra support and encouragement to help them hold the hope that they can still go on and have the same chances in life that anyone else has who hasn't had someone in prison.

when my son was born his father was already incarcerated and will be for at least 4 more yrs..he only knows him from the visiting room..any one else who has been in the same situation n how'd u deal w the explanation later? new to pto and everything..any replies welcome. he is only 8 months now.

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Well my bestfriends has been in priosn for 20 something years now and she has a 19 year old daughter wh still takes it hard and can't really cope with it so i don't what to say or do really

It very hard to raised a child alone, my daughter is 3yrs. old, her dad went to prison when i was 3 month pregnant, he will be serving a total of 18yrs. And for the first two years there his visit were taken away, so she barely got to know him. This week coming she going to get to meet. I try to be honest with her and definitly keep her busy. I have done my best to explain to her that he made a bad choices and that is why he there. She having hard time understanding why he can't come home. And because for most of her life she only knew him through me and his pictures. I just find it difficult to always be the one doing all the hard work. And it hurts to see that she is missing out in experiencing what is to have a dad there. I also figure out that by her getting to know him she can decided what can role he plays in her life.

This one really hits home with me. I was and am a child of a man in prison . I can give you some advice on how I would have like to been talked to as a child. About the only advice I can give to you is to tell them that no matter what mommy or daddy did to end up in prison it was and is never more important than they are. I know that at some times I would find myself thinking "if I was as important as he/she says I am then why can't he just be good" or "does he/she not love me as much as (insert crime here)". Now I knew that was not true, I know that my daddy loves me very much and that he has a problem (Drugs) and it has nothing to do with me. But children need a little reminding sometimes.
And depending on their age tell them what is going on. I know that when I was old enough to realize that the calls from my Nana to my mother were about my dad going back to jail, I would have rathered my Nana just tell me what was going on rather than asking for my mom (she never called to talk to my mom). Kids are smart, they will figure out what is going on. Use your best judgment. I mean don't tell the all the details (there are just some things kids should not know about their parents) but be honest I would have loved that if someone other than my mother would have been honest with me about my dad.
Ok this will be my last point. As I said this one really hits home. Kids will have good times and bad times. I know sometimes I just needed to cry about him. And talk about him. Just listen to them validate their feelings on the matter.
Well I hope I have helped.

my kids are 3 and 4 years old and as soon as my husbands visiting list is approved i planned on us going to vist him. should i go alone first and see how the facility is or take the kids on my first trip?


Honestly I think you should go first by your self. The one and only time I went to see my dad in prison was when I was 12. But that expericence will stick with me for the rest of my life. I am not saying don't take them at all. But I think you need to go and see what it is like first so you will know what will happen and how things will go so you can help them cope with what feelings they will go througt. Cause my visit was real great will my dad. But the hardest part came when it was all over and I had to see him go back inside and know that he couldn't come home with me. My mom had no clue I was going to fell that way. So just be ready for things like that and it should go fine.

My son is 4, and his dad has been away for almost 5 months now. The worst part about this is that there is to be No Contact between me and his father. Even with the restraining order in place, he'd still write us, and we'd write him to. And when he got to a place where he could use the phone, he even called a few times and spoke with our son. But now, he's in trouble for having contact with me thru letters, and now my son cant even get a letter from him. Its really sad to me, maybe even more sad to me than my 4 yr old. He misses his dad soooo much, and he was even supposed to be out Aug 16th, but now since he got in trouble for contacting me, he didnt get out, and now i dont know whats happening. Its very hard because my son asks for his dad, and asks when is daddy coming home, and I dont have that answer. I just tell him it'll be a while, maybe a long time, because i just dont know. It tears my heart apart and i also feel guilty thinking maybe we shouldnt of been writing each other, or that we shouldve been more careful, and then he wouldve been out here now with his son. Its just so hard right now. Can anyone help me out?

I am new to PTO and will be self surrendering in a month or so, dont know the exact date yet. I am a mother who is absolutely distraught on how to tell my 7 year old son. He is my life and he is not going to understand this at all. I know I've made an awful mistake and now will have to pay for 18 mos in a womans federal prison somewhere, and I am from Michigan and there is no facility close by, so visitation is probably out of the question.
Forever sorry!!! Stacy