I knew my husband was a crack addict and had an alcohol problem when I first met him. Actually, he is just addicted to everything, sex, any type of drug but crack seems to be his thing because it is so easy to obtain. His crimes have usually been robberies and that is why he is locked up now. I know they talk a good talk at first but I would like to know why is it the closer this man gets to getting out the more crap he talks about getting high. He says he fears I will leave him once I see how wild he really is. Well, yes, I will because I know what the women went through who was with him last, she had to flee while he was in jail that time they were together. She has warrants on her every where. When I first met him he blamed this women for everything, that was why he had been in jail the last time, she was a crack addict and she cost him his job, his this , his that. Recently, I have noticed his conversations turning more and more to getting high when he gets out. He even rationalizes this to ," I am really not an addict , it is purely a sexual thing. Well, give me a break, I didn't fall off the turnip truck yesterday. He is an addict . Everytime he has been caught for something, a crack pipe was found. He was robbing a drug house when he got busted, I sit and watched him smoke crack. He would have a friend call with some big lie about some one had ripped him off and he went chasing them down the road and had not been seen. At the time , I really could have cared less who was chasing who down the road because I really had little interest in him,but felt sorry for him, he was like a little boy and he grew on me. I thought this last stretch of time would have created a desire to stop and at first that was all I heard was how he had changed and I really wanted to believe him and I did. The last few months little conversations about crack came up, then when I visited him last , he talked about how excited he was to be getting out and how he could not wait for us to leave this state and since we really never had a honey moon we have talked of Lauglin NV , well that was his idea, actually, casinos and all of that stuff bores me but he likes it and I can have fun being with him so I thought ok, it will be fun. Then he moved on to how we can smoke crack on the weekends.. Excuse me but I am not nor ever have been a crack smoker and he knows that for a fact. I have tried it in my life but never liked the high and it always made me sick, he knows that, then he goes on to say how we will ditch the pipes, well pardon me again but there is no we to that! I left our last visit , after driving 4 and a half hours just to get there and waited 2 hours to get in , I remained 45 mins and said, I had to leave . I just thought that is BS and I am not getting into it He has has upteen warrants in several states which we got dropped since he was locked up . He has run all over the country robbing and ripping people off and yet will not admit that he is an addict , he blames everything on everyone else and says he is not like them. I get a letter the other day apologizing for him being sick on the last visit and he thought that is why I left early because he was ill and I wanted him to rest. He proceeds to talk about getting some coke when he is out and how we can get "crazy" and then he fears I will think him an addict but he is not he is just a hard working man who likes to have fun only on the weekends and when WE are done we can cuddle up and enjoy the next day with cookouts and beer. AH, I really do not understand all this talk suddenly and to be honest at 50 yrs old I do not want to end up like the last women running to escape him without even a good bye. I know now it was not her addictions that caused him all the problems it was his and I see that he is not ready to stop because he considers it all fun and that is his type of fun. I am really not sure how I feel. I can't even feel angry only at myself for being so stupid.
I am torn between writing him and ended it or hoping he really will not get back into it but I know in my heart once he starts it will be hard for him to stop. He has many good qualities but he is so insecure and I have seen a vindictive spirit in him, He can be selfish and basically self centered but does own up to being selfish. Yet, he always praises me.I notice that If I do not have the money to send him and say so , he gets an attitude and the min the money is there, he blames his anger on something else, not me but perhaps the guards or something. I am able to see through most people and did see through him , yet I did not heed . I thought that by loving him, and showing him truth and love that he would change,I thought maybe he had been in a bad situation for so long and just needed a change and then age old reason," I thought he needed someone to believe in him". I know see he most likely had a lot of women who believed in him , I do not think he would pick up with some women who did not. When he was first in jail before his sentencing , he talked of needing treatment , then it changed to he knew he had problems but was living up in that apt full of crack addicts and that caused his fall. Now it is still the crack addicts in his last apt that caused his problem and that if he would have been working alone , he would never had gotten caught. Dear God, that irritates me. He does give me so much credit and puts me on a pedestal but that in its self is dangerous. He swears he will work hard and never again get into trouble and this little bit of "drugs" on the weekends will never create a problem because, HE IS NOT AN ADDICT. Is is possible he is not and can smoke crack or do coke on weekends and life me hunky dory? I know I am babbling again and will think of more to say in a few mins. LOL

I need to come back to this and read it more thorougly,but from what I got out of it, this man's an addict, and this time in prison has done nothing to change him.
There are no recreational "crack" smokers

Here are some wondrful sites on Crack

http://www.cocaine.org/

http://www.cocaineaddiction.com/cocaine_crack.html
http://www.health.org/govpubs/phd640i/

He has already begun to do crack again in a sense since he is planning how and when etc he will be doing it. He doesnt seem to have any doubt about crack WILL be a part of his future. So what you need to decide and it sounds like you are already deciding is, if you want to be second to a drug that will aways come before you no matter what and if you want to risk being arrested and charged yourself. You dont have to be doing crack to be arrested for it. Snuggling up with him with a crack pipe and crack in a room will get you arrested too. He can hide it in your car and you will be arrested. He can hide it in your home and you will be arrested. The residue from crack smoking ends up on everything, even on your ID in your wallet. It will be in your clothes and every item in your purse and can be picked up easily with simple tests the police and other security do.
Then there is the behaviour of a crack addict, there are enough posts and information around here that can click you into it and the reality of it and it sounds like you are intelligent enough to know that past women have had it bad with him and you could be next. Actually you will be next if you let him have his way.
The problem is there is nothing you can do it convince him to not do crack. And you seemed to have already figured that out. You have reasoned with all the same things many loved ones have reasoned with and you are smart enough to know that it didnt make him stop or even want to stop. I totally understand how much this must make you mad and sad at the same time. But I guess you only have three choices from what you are saying;
1. tell him crack or you, no if's or but's (which would mean straight to treatment of some sort from prison).
2. Risk your life, and belongings, self-esteem, safety, sanity and clean lifestyle etc and let him do what he wants.
3. Get out now.

Like Sunnie says, there is no 'little' bit of crack and if he is already planning it then trust me he is so very much an addict. Have you tried to tell him NO about doing drugs when he gets out ? Im interested as to how he reacts to that and if he controls these conversations. Im also wondering if you are sending him enough money that he is doing crack in prison.
Dont let him make drugs part of any sexual discussions you have and see how he responds. Some crack addicts are also addicted to sex and some really avoid sex with crack. Its usually one or the other and extreme at times and Ive read studies on it and it often has to do with a pre-existing sex addiction. But besides that the area of the brain that is affected and the chemicals in that area is the same area that is active during sex so that is where the connection is with some addicts. Long term crack use damages that area.

Well you have a really big problem on your hands and Im glad you are sharing this. This is not something you should be keeping inside because you need answers and you need support.

If you look at the whole picture from outside the box, I see he is in prison as a result of drugs (indirectly or otherwise), he has a trail behind him of damage as a result of drugs, he is planning drug use and has no intentions of quiting or seeking help because he doesnt see a problem regardless of the fact that he is in prison. He is clearly an addict.
You should check out as many sites as you can to educate yourself about addict behaviour and make a decision as to whether you want drugs in your life or not. Its probably better that you cut the ties now then after he gets out if that is what you are chosing. Mainly since his behaviour now is already getting to you.

I really hope you the best and I also hope you keep your priorities where they should be and stay strong.

I know they talk a good talk at first but I would like to know why is it the closer this man gets to getting out the more crap he talks about getting high. Recently, I have noticed his conversations turning more and more to getting high when he gets out. He even rationalizes this to ," I am really not an addict , it is purely a sexual thing. Well, give me a break, I didn't fall off the turnip truck yesterday. He is an addict.

I think the "good talk" in the beginning is part of an agenda...if he told you he intended to be a "recreational user" when he is released, would you have done this time with him?

AH, I really do not understand all this talk suddenly and to be honest at 50 yrs old I do not want to end up like the last women running to escape him without even a good bye. I am really not sure how I feel. I can't even feel angry only at myself for being so stupid. I am able to see through most people and did see through him , yet I did not heed . I thought that by loving him, and showing him truth and love that he would change.

At least you are being honest about your feelings. I don't think you should be angry at yourself b/c you loved. No matter what your age, somethings can "get you" and catch you off guard. Sounds like you had hope that his good qualities would outweigh his addictions, but he is telling you differently. You loved him, you believed in him, and there's no shame, or stupidity in that.


I am torn between writing him and ended it or hoping he really will not get back into it but I know in my heart once he starts it will be hard for him to stop. He swears he will work hard and never again get into trouble and this little bit of "drugs" on the weekends will never create a problem because, HE IS NOT AN ADDICT.

I think you know the best answer, but I understand where you are. An addict can make the most incredible promises but there is no such thing as "a little bit of drugs on the weekends." No matter how he rationalizes it, or dresses it up, he is still an addict.

Take care of yourself and protect the life you deserve. You are an experienced woman and didn't "just fall off the turnip truck." I hope you will think about this b/c you cannot have a "relationship" with another person, if that person is forever "altering" their state of being. That is what an addict does.

You dear, dear woman. You have posted some of the best things I've ever read on abusive relationships, and you've helped so many on this board with your honesty and caring. So, I will return the favor to you - honestly - get out. I don't know if you know skin-poppers, but I have known several. They were shooting H, but they started getting high just from the needle. Could have been shooting water, but just the jab was enough to start the high. Your man is "skin-popping" with his conversations and dreams of getting wrecked on the weekends. He's prepping his high, and just like an alcoholic, he's either planning to drink, drinking, or recovering from drinking. It's his whole life. You aren't; why put in any more heartache. You, if you are lucky, will only have to watch the wreck, not actually be a passenger in the car. Or you can be miles away, and safe, and safe, and safe . . .

Give up. Be safe. Let go.

Deepest good wishes.

Thank you all for the help. I know what I must do, now just to do it.

Coolchik, no , if I thought in the begining he would really be wanting to smoke crack , I must say that I would not have waited for him. I would not have gone this far. I believed he was a recreational user and had fallen into bad times , I did not know how bad his addictions were, he has downplayed it all.

I am sure good at spotting out abusive realtionship but can't see the forest for the trees in my own yard LOL

you all are wonderful and again thank you

witch in blue, you asked, if I was sending him enough money that he was doing crack in prison? How can they get it. I know they do but he is in a med max that is going to increase before long. I have wondered that too and yes, I was breaking my rear to send him 100 bucks a month, not a fortune but I have been living off of 50 to 70 a month in order to send him money.
He had talked against addicts and still does , the conversation had never in over a yr . went towards his getting high again. about 2 or 3 weeks back I recieved a letter from him talking about the usual things suddenly, he said,"crack addicts are sure strange creatures".. I thought, Yah, and want does that have to do with the price of tea in china? I wrote back and includes, yes they are because they are addicts. Then the infamous visit came and he brought up the pipes and the weekend crack, for purely sexual stimulation. I don't know about others but I have never needed a drug to stimulate me sexually, I like sex and stimulate pretty easy , I said very little and then I left early. I have received 3 letters back to back saying he feared I would leave for his wild ways, then another the other day saying, he did not mean that would be a every day thing, only weekends, then a letter yesterday say, he did not want me to think he was a crack head because he did not mean we would be doing every weekend , just once and a while. I have written and told him, I had no intentions of smoking crack that it was not my thing and I did not want an addict around me , that I was not being judgemental but I did not trust them and didnt want my life wrapped up in any way with them. He justs says he is not an addict. I just sent him a ton of info on it and I know he will blow a gasket, usually, he will get angry and say he does not like being accused, that is what happend when he first went to jail and I said, I had no intentions of being around drug addicts. he was rather nasty about it and said that if I intended on pushing him he would just move on and of course, I wrote back saying don't let the door hit you in the a**. Of course, then the phone calls came apologizing and saying he was just stressed out and did not mean to be hard on me.
I am sure this next letter will be one of those threats.
These links are some of the best I have ever found . Again, I think you ,each and every one.

Ok, I want you to do me a favour. I want you to think about this. He has a roof over his head, has his meals all paid for him, most likely the heat is on (depending where he is), and has his clothes even cleaned for him. Why does he get more money then you to live on ? The favour is I just want you to think about that. Cause you should not be going with out while he gets all the snack food he wants, etc.

I dont ever give my husband that much, I have a hard time financially plus my husband is an addict. So he gets 25 dollars max from me each month and that is it, sometimes less if I have a really bad month. They get by on a lot less than 100 a month you know. Some ladies have the money to spoil their guys and gals but not when you have to live off less yourself and no man should expect you too. Trust me he is not worried about losing the roof over his head. If my husband wasnt an addict I would probably send him a little more if I could spare it. Just at the beginning of September he got caught with pot and tested dirty. He spent two weeks in the hole which wasnt enough as far as I was concerned. So even with me sending 25 bucks he has found a way to get drugs. I really dont want to know at this moment in time how he managed that. I also told him if he owes anything that is not my problem. He knows I wont bail him out of anything. Im the one who needs spoiling, not him. And that is the attitude you should have and I think you know that for sure now.

As far as drugs inside the prison, well we have a forum here called the drug war forum and there is a thread in there all about that. You can find that thread by click here: http://www.prisontalk.com/forums/showthread.php?t=74499

My husband has been in prison three times now, this is the first time that he is openly admitting that he is an addict, at least to the point where I believe him this time. The reality of it all has finally hit home for him and this time he is facing a lot of years. He has been in many rehabs also and just did what he was suppose to say and do to get threw it. Sure he would say he had a problem or was an addict when he was in trouble or whatever and knew it was the right thing to say, but really he didnt believe it, after years of drug use, he still believed he had some sort of control over it. It is finally sinking in now I think and probably because he has another disease now that has made him think about things in a different light.

I am a recovered addict myself and Ive been clean I think its been 17+ years now. I didnt realize I was had been an addict and still was till probably a good 8 years after I had taken my last hit. It was the best thing I ever realized because it empowered me. And Im thankful I had that realization before I met my husband to or I would probably be where he is. Admitting there is a problem even is very hard. There is so very obviously a problem where your guys thinking is concerned.

I see you are standing your ground though and Im real proud of you and you get big hugs from all of us. We will help you stand your ground, especially if it gets heavy.

Hugs,

At Narcotics Anonymous they have a 12 step program. I never used it myself but I have helped my husband a number of times in the program so I am aware of the system and steps etc. The very first step is the hardest step of them all. From what I have heard and know, if the person flys right threw the first step, then they are still lying to themselves because its the hardest step of all. I dont remember off hand the exact words but what they essentially mean is admitting to oneself, others and a Higher Power that they are powerless against their addiction and they are an addict. Being able to say, 'I am an addict and I need help' and mean it is a task that some never manage. Like I said, the hardest of all steps.

So that you were very alerted to his sudden change and now talk of doing drugs is something Ive also seen my husband do. Though I will knock his block off if he does it this time. He will hopefully be too old to take me on when he gets out this time. Talk like this is really him rehearsing doing drugs in his mind. He is probably dreaming of doing drugs too. The closer he gets to the out door the worst it will get. I expect he will keep his mouth closed as he can about it now since you have stated your views so you best watch for other signs.

How long till he gets out ?

http://www.bma-wellness.com/papers/Addiction_Lies_Rel.html

Lilith - you might want to read this link - it's kind of depressing, but it is as clear as a bell about the mind of an addict.

Witchlin - beautifully written!

Wow Nimuay, is that ever a good article. I have never seen any attempt come close before as far as the mind of an addict. I have to print that one off for sure. Thanks for posting the link.

You dear, dear woman. You have posted some of the best things I've ever read on abusive relationships, and you've helped so many on this board with your honesty and caring. So, I will return the favor to you - honestly - get out. I don't know if you know skin-poppers, but I have known several. They were shooting H, but they started getting high just from the needle. Could have been shooting water, but just the jab was enough to start the high. Your man is "skin-popping" with his conversations and dreams of getting wrecked on the weekends. He's prepping his high, and just like an alcoholic, he's either planning to drink, drinking, or recovering from drinking. It's his whole life. You aren't; why put in any more heartache. You, if you are lucky, will only have to watch the wreck, not actually be a passenger in the car. Or you can be miles away, and safe, and safe, and safe . . .

Give up. Be safe. Let go.

Deepest good wishes.

Lilithinwaiting, I'm going to have say kudo's to Nimuay! I have read your posts, you are smart, witty and you know the deal! :grouphug:

I hear you though...Seeing the forest for the trees. I think we all fall short in that area, but you have such great insight into the mind of an addict. As nimuay said, you've helped so many, including myself, and now you are called upon to do something extremely difficult, help yourself.

I feel sure you will do what's best, but it still hurts! And disappointment... What a B*tch! It is tough. I'm counting on you to "watching that train wreck" from a distance. He is not where he should be, and you are beyond those days.

I'm here anytime. The road of life is long and full of sharp turns. Drive it like a pro and never take your eyes off that road! :heart:

Thank you, each one of you have touch my heart deeply. I needed to hear this, you just do not know how badly . I wanted to know that I was not over reacting .
Congratulations Witchlinblue, you have been down a long hard road but you have done it.
And ever one of you knows the truth and did not sugar coat it .
The money was something was always a question in my mind, he has explained several times to me the importance of his having a hundred a month , he said, envelopes and paper to write me, (well how thoughtful) his coffee and tobacco. Oh, when he was in county I had a little extra money then and I was bringing him in about 50 a week up until about 2 months before he was shipped out and I was broke.
I feel relieved actually. I know I will have days but over all I feel relief and now I can cont. to rent my pc because I will have a few extra dollars.. Now that makes me smile and the nice thing is I didn't go eat a package of hot dogs like I usually do when I am upset LOL
am going to bed now but thank you again. why didn't I look here in the first place , duh!

nimuay, that was one of the best articles I have read, I going to go to library this week and have that printed off. Thank you (((hugs)))

Karen Jackson

Columbus, Ohio

Crack Cocaine

Crack Cocaine is a habit man's enemy
a horrible addiction that affects you and me
Crack Cocaine is deadly to lives and lives to be
Crack Cocaine is furnished by the ones you hear of but do not see
Crack Cocaine is detrimental to our future
it's aproblem no one man can solve
it's going to take more tha a bill on capitol hill
to change the transaction of a crack cocaine deal
to change the feeling of an addicted users thrill
to change the mind of the suppliers who cares about nothing but the dollar bill
Crack Cocaine is not of the ordinary
if you study it closely it's sort of scarey
just one time it blows your mind
depression sets in paranoria begins
you do whatever it takes to get what the supplier got
and to you it doesn't matter what you do
just as long as you get another piece of that Crack Cocaine rock
you lie you cheat you steal you kill
just as long as yo can make another crack cocaine deal
your body becomes weak f ragile and frail
but for some reason when you look in the mirror yo can't tell
after yo beg and nearly die for the crack cocaine rock
your hope is all gone and your world seems to stop
Don't give up
for there is something more powerful than the crack cocaine rock
I'm serving notification there is a cure
it's not medication it's not a being lik you or me
nor is it an organizatio that teaches rehability
the cure that I'm speaking of is spiritual related
and comes from above
if you have the crack cocaine habit that I'm speaking of
no man can give you
a formula potion or cure
so those who try crack cocaine are up against death for sure
Unless of course in God you trust
and ask him to destroy your crack cocaine lust
only then willyou be able to function again
with out depending on the rock created by men
but the ROCK that dwells within
All poems Copyright © 1999 Karen Jackson. All rights reserved.

Nimuay,
That is one of the best articles on drugs and the mind that I have read so far. Thank you for sharing it with us. :thumbsup:

I think education is imperative when trying to understand drug and alcohol addiction. Lil it's wonderful that you are asking quesitons because the more you educate yourself the less surprised you will be.

There is net wide information on drug addiction from how each drug effects the mind and the body, the long term and short term effects of drug addiction, and
how it effects the users who use the substances.
Being an addict was not good enough for me. accepting that is part of it, but I needed to find out all I could on the why I had crossed over the line from useage to addiction which is such a fine line. I knew drugs were bad for the body but there was soooooo much more to it than being bad for you. knowing it was bad for me did not make me quit and it wasn't until the consequences of my addiction tore my family apart that I was finally willing to seek the help I needed to quit. To "stay" quit took work.


one of the best information I have found about drug addiction on the WHOLE is the
National Institute on Drug Abuse. (NIDA)
below is a good article on how a user becomes an abuser
http://www.nida.nih.gov/Published_Articles/Oops.html

I am so frustrated, my keyboard is messed up, the spacer bar barely works and it's taking me five hours to type just a little bit which is why I have not been posting much. Please bare with me! I don't have the money to buy another keyboard at this moment. THis is the 12th one my son has broken this year.

I just read all the post here and I hope that everything will work out.
Lilith just like your man, my hubby told me he was gonna come out and get crazy after being down for 2 yrs. I honestly didnt know the amount of getting high that he was talking about.. If you want you can read about it in this forum"What I have to do now" and yes like you, I was blind to the fact, even took him back after he used and had a heart attack with it. Today, as much as it hurts.. like yourself I am relieved that I dont live like that anymore.. I am moving on and I am doing it step by step.. I know now that there is no amount of love that anyone can give an addict to make them change. They have to do it themselves. During all of this, I have learned so much about myself and about addictions and I have made so many friends on PTO. I even have women PMing me telling me how much of a help me posting my story as been to them, little doesnt anyone know that posting it helps me. I am glad that you have came to the real world and learned to love yourseld. And everyone is right, there is no such thing as just using once in a while. I got the same line.
Unlike your man, my hubby never asked for much money, but I am such that he was gettng drugs inside from some source. I honestly dont care where or how. I am thankful that my life was spared.. and I use to think , that God was talking to Tat and sparing his life giving him chance after chance when he would use with a bad heart.. and the day he beat me I reliazed that it wasnt
Tat that God was talking to it was me, He was telling me, I was worth so much more than what I was living and deserved so much more than Tat could offer. Yes I saw the good in him and prayed he would too. Maybe someday he will, but thats not up to me to show him that. I need to show myself that, and I am.. I pray that you will find peace and happiness and that all good things come to you. Just remember to love you first, that is hard I know.. I have to stop sometimes and remember that... but I am doing it!!!!!
Thank you for sharing your story and your thoughts , you are a brave woman..
I admire you alot...

I also wanted to share with you what a friend told me who is a recovering addict and a female
she said " IF YOU LIVE WITH AN ADDICT AND YOUR NOT AN ADDICT, YOU LIVE THE LIFE OF AN ADDICT"
I remember that more than anything anyone has ever told me through this all. Cause she is so very right....

much love and blessing
Tina

When I found out my husband was using I was shocked, I had no idea. Then a year later, he relapsed and again, I had no idea....I just cant tell when he's using the coke. I read a book called "The Addictive Personalilty" and it was a big help in understanding addiction and how utterly powerless we (the non-addicts and addicts) are in controlling the addiction. I hope that may help. Peace to you in your life.

I am just in shock Lilith, I love your post and always read them, sounds to me like your hubby is an addict, there is no such thing as a recreational user. Sweetie you have to think of yourself and your needs first, Ide be danm if I would give my man more than what i needed to live off, you are the sweetest caring person, and it makes me so angry that he is doing this to you, if he cared at all he would not let you go without, and he would not be throwing attitudes with you when you dont send money. Get tough with him Lilith, you have a big support here and we will stand besides you. Every step of the way.

Tina, that was beautiful.. (((hugs))) No, we sure do not know what they mean by getting crazy.. I thought he mean't going and having a beer ( I don't drink either ) I thought his first desire when he got home would be to be alone with me. Not, "what do you have planned for me when you pick me up, how about stopping for a beer" I figured sooner or later he would result to smoking crack or doing some coke but again, I thought it would be later down the line when stress would hit him, not planning it already. I really had an over whelming urge to go visit just so I could reach over the table and knock him out. LOL But he is grown and you are absolutely right, he must decide and want the change himself.
Thank you for all your kind words and support.

Dana, I do love you. You are one of the kindest people I know. I can not believe how I have been giving him money. I went through 8 thousand dollars since last Oct. on him alone. I would panick if I thought I did not have money to give him. I have never in my life done that for a man. No one could believe I was going this far and few know the truth. I noticed that every time I say I will not have the 100 , which has only been twice, he really got angry, he would not say it was money, it was something I said in a letter, he was taking as an insult or not believing in him, yet I have said things before and he did not get mad, only when the letter came with another saying something about money. He has always had a plan, first it was for me to try to get all types of credit cards which my credit is shot due to that 2000 dollar phone bill and then it was trying to get a business account started and get a credit line. All this of course, was to help us start our happy life out in calif. His girl friend that left him and has never been seen was much older even than I am and she came from money. He sure made a mistake if he thought I had any LOL
anyway, he has many good qualities and do not want to sound like some bitter hostile female because I am not bitter at all, just relieved.

gagirl, thank you! I am sorry you have had to go through so much, but what does not kill us will make us strong:)
I wrote my husband today and just said, that I knew he was an addict and I loved him . I said, I never had any gripes about his having a few beers or a night out with the boys but I really did not think he could take a few hits of crack and be done with it. I said I was not his mother and would not tell him what to do , he would have to make that decision hisself. I also said that I could no longer send that much money and I was not trying to punish him , I was finally looking out for me .

Sunnie, that poem was good . May I print it out?

lilith-oh girl I don't know what to say. You have posted so much that has helped me. Go back and read that article about narrcisists. And think about it. Honey, I wish I could help. You seem to realize what you need to do. I will pray for the courage and strength for you to do what you need to do. The key words you said yourself, in your post. "A lost little boy". Your an intelligent woman, your starting college, your fighting your own battles with yourself, please stay the course and take care of you. You give me my strength to keep going. I am about the same age as you. We have been there and done that. Now it is our turn, to make, build, have a life for us. If the man just happens along, that can deal with a "real woman" and all that that means, then yay for us. If you don't want that life, you don't have to have it. I had to walk away from it. I am taking care of me and my kiddoes. It is so lonely and I cry, but I trust and believe in God to do what is best for me. I told Jason I will write to him, but don't ask for anything, and after he is released to forget I ever existed. He will never stop and I can't deal with the ride. He is stopping writing so I know all I was about was what he could get.

lilith-sit and really take stock of your life. I am enjoying knowing the wisdom of all I have been through. I am finding out what a incredibly strong woman I really am. I am revelling in the fact that I am doing this without a man. I needed to find myself. A little late in life, but it's never to late for anything. Being the women we are, with the mental issues we are dealing with, we need peace and stability. That is why we perfer being alone. That is why we can't deal with someone that can't, won't, doesn't want to get their life together. We're special lilith. Enjoy yourself, accept yourself, and find happiness in the everyday small successes we manage to accomplish. You know I am so here for you. You have been my rock and I will help in any way I can.

Love you girl, hang in there, you'll do what is good for you.

Luna, you are filled with so much wisdom and I tell ya we are twin souls LOL
We do need peace and stability . I can not be with or around unstable people, it just sets me off and you know how we get when we are set off. Other people may get mad and cuss and rant and rave, we will take an ice pick and plunge it through them and that's just not good.
I have told him how I feel and of course, his last letters are speaking on his problems. I am just doing it one step at a time , slow , trying to be steady.
You have helped me too. I love your strength and your personality.

Thank you and I love ya!