My husbands a 3 striker, they just sentenced him 4 weeks ago, he is in NKSP and received 2 life sentences 70 years to life
I know absolutely nothing about jails or prisons, I am learning from this sight, we have a 4 year old, who up until 4 months ago, thought daddy was away driving his trucks he's been gone a year this past july (he was an over the road truck driver) I had to tell him dad got into some trouble and we were going to court. What next now that we know the sentence? My son is telling everyone his dad will be home when he's 5, this will only be 8 months away? This is so so sad, his dad made an awful choice and I later found out after dating him for only 6 months before we married, that he had struggled with a drug addiction for most of his life (honestly, I could not see it in the 1st year, I thought he would have a beer every now and then and may be even smoke a marijuana joint but crack?) He tried rehab just to shut me up and because of prop 36 spent 6 months in an inpatient rehab center., It started again with in a week of his coming out of rehab, the sneaking the lying the missing small items, the loosing jobs due to crashing trucks, falling to sleep etc. I truly wished him away, not even thinking about my son, I felt it would be best if he left us alone, he was addicted to me as well, refused to leave etc, promised to change. Well I gave him no money and he committed a robbery (he still denies) but has slipped and said things that make me know he did it.
NOw I feel sorry, his family has washed their hands of him, his mom passed away before I got to really know her, his brothers a good guy and younger a correctional officer, who makes him promises of getting him out but avoids his calls. I feel just as bad with him in prison as at home, he's constantly making me feel bad when I can't send money and because of trust, I am scared to send him money because I think he may purchase drugs in there. Whew, It sure feels good to type this here:D this outlet is making me feel so good. It hurts really bad when people ask me "so girl I know you are not going to wait on him are you? Then they tell me to go out and find a new man (I am 43)........your son needs a father.

I do have needs and would rather not date again at least I am not thinking that way now , I will hang with him as long as I could but now I am hearing, because he has a life sentence, no family visits:confused: so physically he can not do anything for me, ( accept the occassional embarrassing phone sex thing ) and he will be at a very high the highest security level. I'm told this also means he can not throw a ball with his son hug him, tell him face to face to remain a good little boy, play board games or something physical.

Financially we are doing just fine, matter of fact better, what he brought in I never really counted as he would borrow most of it back if I didn't spend it fast enough, I had everything before I met him, home veh. etc.and still have it, all in my name. He did give me a son and tried at times very hard to make us happy while struggling with his habit. We were
only married 5 years.

Thanks for listening, I welcome all replies. I haven't read any threads yet regarding my situation, but I'm sure there are, so many threads so much to read, especially when you have long books like mine:rolleyes:
Just had to get it out.
God bless and thanks

I am so glad that you found this sight it has helped me a lot. Always good to vent to those who KNOW what you are going through. PM me anytime. Jasmine


Oh and we told Kris's son(5 yrs old) he was away at the war. ut that was only because he would be away for 2 years. Let me think of something for longer time. Do sa little research (as I am sure you are) He may be able to get "family" visits...stranger things have happened...ya never know.

First I want to welcome you to PTO. It is a wonderful place full of kind, generous and knowledgeable people who will do their utmost to help and support you when they can. Secondly (fortunatelY) I have had none of your experiences. It all sounds very sad and I feel for you and your child. May sound harsh but it sounds to me that you have to get on with your own life and try and make a new one.
Your husbands intentions may have been good but they clearly were not good enough. Also, remember that a 4 year old may be too young to really understand. Just my opinion.
Good luck.

If I were you I wouldnt tell him anything just yet. My nephew is 5 and my dad who has custody of him told him where his father is, and he goes around telling complete strangers where his daddy is, it breaks my heart! I think he is too young to know, along with your 4 year old. Do plan on telling him though since he is a 3rd striker. Hang in there.

You are right, unfortunetly about family visits. No one with a life cap (that means "something" to life...25 to life, 40 to life) can qualifiy for family visits. At least not now and no change is on the horizon. Lifers do get contact visits, maybe not right away, in his case, but eventually. You won't get phone calls while he is in reception, and that can take months, so you have some time to think over your plans for the future. And they sure can and do buy drugs inside. And someone with life has nothing to lose really, so why not? You might want to send quarterly packages, with food and toiletries instead of money, but he can still trade stuff for dope. Including the stamps you send him so he can write home. There really is no way to stop him, if he wants to use. I know. My only advice is not to let other people decide what you do and don't stay just because you feel sorry for him. You will know if and when you've had enough and at that point you will do what you need to with no guilt. And remember, there's no rush.

Just wanted to welcome to you to PTO, and sorry to hear you are going thru this. This site is so informative and supportive. Good luck to you...

You just tell what is appropiate for his age, in small doses, as he can understand. A four year old does not understand "life". The child is your priority not your husband. Your money is for you and your child. Your husband chose to use drugs and put them ahead of you and the child. Your child depends on you do not let him down. Your husband was not a "Daddy" that title goes to the someone who does "Daddy" things like working bringing home the the money to the family and spending time with the family....He was taking his money to his "connection" and spending his time with his addiction. His family has washed their hands of him....They have known him longer and better than you. You said that when you wished him away you were not thinking of your son???? Was he really a good father figure for your son? Was the the kind of example you want for your son? Do you want your son to grow up just like him? You have a kind heart to still care for him. But your real caring needs to go to your son. He has only you. It is up to you to raise him into a responsible, productive, capable, self supporting young man that you can be proud of. It is up to you to protect him from people that sell or use drugs. People like the man you married and produced a child with. The crime that "struck" him out was not his first offense.

You just tell what is appropiate for his age, in small doses, as he can understand. A four year old does not understand "life". The child is your priority not your husband. Your money is for you and your child. Your husband chose to use drugs and put them ahead of you and the child. Your child depends on you do not let him down. Your husband was not a "Daddy" that title goes to the someone who does "Daddy" things like working bringing home the the money to the family and spending time with the family....He was taking his money to his "connection" and spending his time with his addiction. His family has washed their hands of him....They have known him longer and better than you. You said that when you wished him away you were not thinking of your son???? Was he really a good father figure for your son? Was the the kind of example you want for your son? Do you want your son to grow up just like him? You have a kind heart to still care for him. But your real caring needs to go to your son. He has only you. It is up to you to raise him into a responsible, productive, capable, self supporting young man that you can be proud of. It is up to you to protect him from people that sell or use drugs. People like the man you married and produced a child with. The crime that "struck" him out was not his first offense.

:eek:WOW:eek:
Thats keeping it real, but I guess we need to be ck'ed from time to time
well if Wifeofalifer wants to keep in touch with her man, she is in for the long run and better stay real close to the truth for her son's sake 'cause one day he will understand everything and will handle it better he knows from the start what happen... My ex is not a lifer (sometimes I wish):rolleyes:
Okay I'll be nice:blah: well anyways he had a long love affair with his drug thing but I always told the kids to pray for thier father cause he needed love not hate... But I also always told them the truth, and explained in detail how people can make bad choices and have to life with those choices, but we can still pray for them... after all the bible say every thing can be forgiven, lets pray they want to be forgiven.
glad to hear money wise your okay. Health wise be careful stress does
hurt your over all health. hugs for you and your son
keep it real but be nice:thumbsup:
everyone play nice or be on time-out:wave: :grouphug:

Although we are not here to judge, I totally agree with Pati. Also it is very sad to hear a child say "my daddy is in prison" Can you imagine him in kindergarten saying that? Take Pati's advice because believe me it is very sad when your son is in prison. Unfortunately for me I know about that situation. Anyway welcome to pto!

Wifeofalifer...........................I was at one time standing in your shoes a little. I have a 7 year old and a five year old. My husband decided to change our lives in April of 2000 at that time our oldest daughter was almost 3 however I was due to have our second daughter in June. I have rasied both our daughter on my own with the help of family. I have always told myself I would tell my girls the truth and that I did. As soon as they asked questions I told them their daddy did something wrong and he took a mans money and lied about so therefor he has to be in a long time out (didn't think they could understand what prison meant at the time). I do take them to see him once a month and we do not get family visits by my choice. I wasn't going to take the chance of having a third kid and raising it on my own also.
At the age of four I would let your child know, he isn't going to understand prison and what it is about but at least you can feel good that you kept it real with him since the start of things. I am not one to lie to my children or anyone else. He isn't going to know how long or what life means so you are just going to have to let him know this is where he will be seeing daddy at for a long time.
As for the "daddy" lable, I am with the others about a daddy is somebody who is there and brings love and everything else home but how are you going to tell a four year old thats your father not daddy. My kids pick what they wanna call him.
I wish you the best of luck in whatever path you go down. I am sure at times you will sit back and say "why me" but know that your not the one that made the choice he did.
Good luck and fun raising your child. They grow to fast so don't waste a day with him.

Take Care and God Bless You

Everyone, your replies have meant so much to me, I actually cried. I have been holding back all this time and these tears are what I needed to wash away the gunk I have been holding in my heart, I thought I just was that strong, but I really needed this cry. This is reality, I have decided to keep it real with Drew and at the same time explain to him that dad did something wrong and has to live somewhere else or something like that, it is embarrassing when he blurts out we went to court or now if he were to blurt out he's in jail, I will just teach him to say "ask my mom where my dad is" I will tell him it's between us, because daddy doesn't want anyone knowing right now or something. I am thinking as I am writing but, I truly appreciate you all, thanks for caring. We will be ok, my son will be all that he can be, he beat Lukemia too, he was diagnosed last October and there is no trace of it in him, he can start preschool, so good things are happening, we dealt with all of this with dad behind bars.
God bless you all
Joy

Thank you everyone, for your thoughts and concerns, somehow, I posted my message twice, I am still learning, I have received so much advise, I'm a survivor and my main concern is my son, we are going to make it, he knows daddy did something wrong and has to live in a new place.
I truly appreciate you all, I feel so much better just being able to share the way I can never do with those on my job, not even those in my Church. I pray a lot and thank God for this forum.
Thanks again

You have had some excellent advice here and there is really nothing that I can add, the ladies have got it covered. I do wish you and you're family the best and good luck. Take care,

You are so very right, I received great advise and support, and thank you too, I truly appreciate it.
Joy

Darlin' - congratulations on beating the leukemia!! that's a marvelous thing.

To be horribly frank, I think you should change your thinking about your screen name - there's no use in thinking of yourself as holding it down for a lifer. He did nothing that deserves it. Ex-wife sounds more appropriate. And why bother to stay connected - send money, take calls, etc? Use that money for your son, and let that guy in prison make his own way. That way you can begin once again to build a full life, maybe find someone who will be a real dad for your son (or maybe not), and not have that dreadful anchor around your neck and in you brain.

Peace

:confused: W.O.A.L,
That sentence does not compute.
Two felony convictions and 2 prior strikes yields 50 to life, not 70 to life. A third felony conviction yields 75 to life. If he got 70 to life, he had some whopping big sentence enhancements on a 50 to life term.

This fellow rather clearly wasn't putting you and your child first; and he was hiding this fact from you. It sounds like it'll be time to move on in a while; but there's some grieving to be done. Do the next guy a favor, and get that out of the way 1st before you get anything close to seriously involved.
When you do move on, you'll be better served by not repeating errors of attraction. It's better that it's a life lesson than a repeat lesson.

It seems to me that once you have a kid with someone, you are in some ways in it for the long haul. Thee's no avoiding it. That boy is going to want some answers in the very near future.
There's also the possiblity thta 3 strikes law changes in a way that someday gets him out of prison. If he wasn't convicted of a violent felony, he has a chance of benifitting from any future law changes. Most defense attorneys are optimistic that EVENTUALLY non-violent offenders will not be able to recieve an indeterminate (up to life) sentence.

I'd get your boy to a counselor STAT. They'll get to know your kid, and give you a professional opinion on what the boy can handle. While you are at it, you might want to make an appointment for yourself. You've come pretty close to having a spouse die, which is reportedly lifes greatest stressor. If you avoid clinical depression, it's hard to see why. Depression can be lethal, and at a minimum is debilitating. Your kid is going to need you, so don't neglect to get yourself some help.

Hey wifeofalifer... I don't know and won't judge whether you should stay by your man... but I just want to remind you about our lifers forum here on PTO -- and we do know a lot of what you're dealing with and we are here for you... :)

As for whether he can throw a ball and ever be with his son, well, my guy is the highest custody level in Cali (outside of the SHU) and he has contact visits and plays basketball with his boy... so don't believe that that cannot happen.

Most important: A life sentence is NOT the end of life! Some of our lifer men (and women) have accomplished great things...