Just wanted to get a feel from everyone here, regarding Wives and/or Girlfriends in the system.

How many of you actually have a wife or girlfriend in prison or jail? What do you feel is the best advice you've been given or heard of for dealing with this situation?

I have a girlfriend in a VA prison.

The best three points of advice I've had is to 1)becareful, and make sure you know that she is who you think she is, not to be too trusting too soon, the next best piece of advice is to 2)make a pact of truth. Once those two have been completed successfully, then 3)never speak(write, usually) in anger. Take a few minutes, even a day, to think about something that might have made you mad. Be rational about your response, be calm, not insultive and assume nothing. Reason your anger out with the honesty and truth pact that you have made with her or him. As much as I hate to admit it and say this here, there are a lot of women in prison that try to lure men into relationships for money only, men do the same also. But I don't hear about that as much as I do with women, probably because my friend is a woman and that's the only prison things I hear about is from her, the newspapers which only report the sensational, and what I learn here. I'm sure others have better, but these are the tings that helped me and my friend the most.

Wasn't exactly what I was looking for, but ok.

The best advice I can give for someone with a wife or girlfriend in prison is BE PATIENT. Even afew months can change your life, or theirs. BE SUPPORTIVE. They need you more than you may realize, for news, cheering up, or just simply to talk.

If you make a promise, KEEP IT. Nothing lets someone down faster than expecting something, only to see it not happen.

BE THERE FOR THEM. Loneliness is a hard reality. Fact is. they may have no one to rely on inside that isn't out to hustle them for something. You may very well end up being all they have.

LIVE FOR THEM. Go somewhere, do something, and tell them about it. While this also helps you from the despair of waiting at home for someone who may not see you in months, or even decades, it is just as important to them. Hearing stories of freedom can have as big an impact in their lives as actually being able to walk out the gate. It reaffirms their sense of self, reality, and gives them hope.

Sorry, 'bout that. I have to agree about the promise thing and making sure they are kept. I would like to think that writing often being that is the only real outside communication they get also, besides the visits. That is a real good idea about living and doing things to tell them about it, nice thought, I have to remember that, thanks!

The one thing I say to anyone who has a loved one inside - is make sure that you let them know that they are still part of the family.

When I was in - Linda and I had one advantage that some don't. We were already in a long term, loving relationship, before hand. We had already been through various tests of strength of our relationship.

However, there were still times when I felt forgotten. She felt betrayed by me at times, but that is another thread.

Mom, Dad and Linda would tell stories of the family, what they were doing, etc. Somestimes, that made it worse, not being there to do it with them. Other times it really helped, made me feel part of the family - Linda's PARTNER, not her wife or spouse, her PARTNER. Everything in life partners do together, with love, mutual respect, and dignity.

We say that to each other alot, when there is upset in our lives. She may not have been in that prison with me, but she was and is doing the time just as much as I am. She is sweating my appeal just as much as I am. We both have the same fear of being separated again and we deal with it together - as PARTNERS.

I've hit pretty strongly on that with you before Chris, but only because - WE - Linda and I think that the concept of Partnership is the most important concept in a loving relationship.

Chris is right about one thing, make a promise keep it! Whatever you have to do to keep that promise - do it. If you promise to visit every other week or have a letter in mail at least twice a week - get it done. Don't promise something you can't follow through on.

I can't really say, live for them, but live with them, yes, they may be in prison, but they are still, in you your life and you in theirs.

Linda would include me in on decisions that she would need to make - if she had the time - a letter moves pretty slowly from point a to point b. Phone calls are better in that situation, but we had made a decision - together - to call only every Wednesday. Saves money.

If she did not have time to consult with me on decisions, she would say something like, I had to do this, how do feel about it, or do you know of anyway to avoid a situation next time, etc.

As for anger, sadness, loneliness, emotions, in general, a lot of them I had to deal with on my own. Linda had a family to raise and my parents to care for and her own emotions to deal with.

Oh, I would tell her - I am feeling this or that, but I would make sure that she felt I had a handle on the emotion - till I did have a handle on it - then I would tell the truth, she did pretty much the same thing.

What did we learn from that - don't lie about your emotions. Tell the truth, but don't put them on you partner. He or she has enough to deal with being in prison or on the outside for that matter. If your afraid of something - tell your partner - you may be surprised they may have already dealt with that and know how to deal with it. But, always remember - RESPECT EACH OTHER AND EACH OTHERS FEELINGS AND EMOTIONS. Do not let one or the other abuse. If you can't handle the emotions or situation right then, tell them, ask for time to think or calm down.

If you have to get up and leave or politely say I cant talk about this I will hang up now if you insist on pursuing the subject. I did that once and hung up. I did not have to do that again, but would have if necessary.

Linda got up and left visitation once, she never had to do it again. Believe me, she would have done it again.

Linda and I had/have a rule - if we disagree - put it on paper.
That way we found we could think more logically and less emotionally about things. Second part of the rule, we never, never brought up things we disagreed on or were upset with at visitation. Yes she was/is angry at our situation, so am I. But, we did not and will not talk about it at visitation. If we do have a problem to deal with on the phone, if she or I started raising our voices - end of conversation - one or the other could call it, and we would talk about the kids. Then I would go back to my cell or she would sit down at home and we would put it on paper. That waywe avoided arguments - still do - and half the time the problem would be solved by thinking it through to write down. Plus, we did not ruin what little time at visitation we had.

We started doing that and our relationship grew stronger.
I often told her that I feel fear that she would leave me - after all the possibility of six years alone is a pretty scary prospect. I know there are others - that have a lot longer.

Linda dealt with that fear of mine, wonderfully, she was at visitation every other week. Always at the house on Wednesday to accept my calls. She always, always, let me know that she loved me in little ways that only the two of us share.

I hope that answers your question Chris,

Linda and I send our love,

lots of good advice...i would give thanks but i am not permitted for some reason but thanks for the advice , i am sure others who read this thread will appreciate also.