who is an addict, what is the trust factor in your relationship? I won't say all because that is offensive but I will say many an addict are expert in manipulative, conning, lying behaviours. And I guess that's because it comes with the addiction because often you have to manipulate, con and lie to get what you want to get that money/drug to feed your habit.

Me and my husband have trust in our marriage but it is not at the 100% level. He trusts me close to 100% and that could be because in the addict and prison environment which is the environment he's lived in, trust does not reign. I have earned his trust but because of that natural instinct based on the environment he's been in for such a long period of years, a cloud of doubt on his part could hover if a situation comes up.

I don't trust him 100% because I feel in a clutch situation he could exercise a manipulative, conning, or lying characteristic of his disease. We have a wonderful loving relationship, but because of those characteristics, we have not yet obtained 100% trust. That will be gained when I see how he takes his recovery after his release because inside, he does marvelously.

Women on here have dogged me indirectly saying "if you don't have trust then you have no relationship" but I honestly don't see how anyone can make such A JUDGMENT if they do not know the circumstances behind why the trust is not 100%. People will judge you yet not want to be judged; people will reject you if you are different yet expect acceptance because they are in a relationship that could be called "different". No one on here can say me and my husband don't have a marriage when me and my husband know we have a damn good marriage. Me and my husband are open minded enough to know that what works in some relationships may not work in other relationships. We are very happy together, very loving together and our marriage is about as real as any marriage that has 100% trust.

So my question is specifically ONLY for women married or engaged to addicts who have done a bid with him only for him to come out, eventually relapse, return to prison and you return with him and you two have a loving and honest relationship. What is the trust factor in your marriage/relationship. Do you have 100% trust?

P.S. Because it is easy to trust him on your first bid with him, please, no first timers because your answer will not help. Thanks.

Well, I understand what you mean. I am married to an addict and this is not the only time he has been to jail, to prison, to rehab, to mental hospital, to college, or made promises. He trusts me 110% because I am there for him and I usually do what I say, but I can not say that I trust him 100%. We are just recently married and I have to say throughout our relationship, we have developed a more honest, real, loving, and deep relationship. It took us a while to understand the limitations that we were dealing with when it comes to his illnesses. Even he doesn't expect me to trust him 100%. I think even he understands that he although his intentions are very good that his addiction can lead him down the road of slick thoughts and actions, so he doesn't even trust himself to an extent. He believes that by being totally honest with me now about the things that trigger his behaviors and the possible pitfalls that can occur will help him because he will know that he can't pull the wool over my eyes. So we discuss what his thoughts are about the things he feels pressure him and how we will handle money, even things down to how he will get to work and how he will handle making new friends. Right now he is open about everything and sees a lot of things that can be pitfalls for him, but the true test is when he is out and at home. Both him and I pray that the Lord will give him the strength to make it through because we know that he can not rely on his strength alone and no matter how much he loves his family that their strength matters not in fighting an addiction. I do believe that trust is important in marriage and relationships, but in the case of addiction trust does not make a marriage or relationship more or less real or loving. Trust has to be built day by day like sober time, knowing that you have to concentrate on today because tomorrow maybe a whole other story.

Girl that's so beautiful -- I love you. :o It sounded so like me and my husband -- we related to each other's story and hopefully those looking in got something out of what's been said.

For those who may want to speak up but refrain, it's okay sweetie. If you express that feeling in the thread I'll feel it, and, I'm feelin it. I love yall too. :o

This is the third time I have been waiting on my hubby. We're both addicts so we have quite a few trust issues. However, a marriage is never smooth sailing and now that we're both in recovery, we have to live only in today. We put our trust in our higher power. Our marriage is very loving. We have intimacy that neither of us has ever had in any previous relationship. Trust is something you build on a daily basis. In my opinion, it is ignorant to say that "there is no relationship without trust". As an addict trying to recover, it takes time to reach a point of complete honesty with ourselves and others. So, no,there is not 100% trust but we're working on it.

Good luck to you and your addict.

Billswoman126 -- you are so precious. Best wishes and much blessings to you and your husband.

Bin Waitin,

I have been reading some of your posts and can relate. I love my fiance and we've been through so much and been healed of so much, he is an addict, he went to jail after we were together for a while, came out, eventually went back to using- and has done 3 1/2 years on a 5 year sentence. We have worked through alot of things, but there's a part of me that doesn't trust him 100%. I need to see it to believe it. That is a big reason why I choose not to marry him while he's in. I need to use wisdom, and as much as I want to believe that it's different- because I have seen a change with my own eyes- in every way a person could change...I still hold a part of me back, because I have seen it all and heard it all before and I need to see it walked out in day to day life. It's a sobering thing (no pun intended HA) to be so committed and love someone so much with openness and honesty - but also have your heart grounded in reality -really in a place of self protection. I tell my Babe that this is where I'm at, and he knows and understands and will have to wait until he's out and earn the trust 100%. I have so much hope though.

Beautifully and rightfully stated Casey. Eye to eye, heart to heart on what all of you ladies have said. That's love, thank you.

i understand your pain i just did a three year bid with my baby and sept 6th after a string of robberys and alot of drugs thet locked him back up and i kinda feel like its my fault because he snuck around and got started and once i found out i couldnt stop him but now hes facing at least another 6-10 and im marrying him tomarrow at the prison

To Bonnie: Do not feel you are at fault, You didn't CAUSE the addiction, You cant CONTROL the addiction, and you can't CURE the addiction.

Let's see, the first two incarcerations were not drug related, but the last two were. So, in the past, every time I built up trust in him, he let me down. This time, when he was down , although I was there to support him emotionally on a basic level, I didn't support him like I had done in the past. I think he actually realized just how much I have done for him and what he stood to lose. I did contemplate divorce but just couldn't do it....I love him too dang much!
Our relationship is wonderful on so many levels. No, I don't trust him 100%, how could I, he lied his butt off to hide his addiction from me and he hid it quite well. That betrayal hurt more than his going to prison did. I can say that over the years many people have said to me "Wow, I wish I had a marriage or relationship like yours". Because in so many ways we are best friends. However, the drug stole him from me for a little while. Now, he is out but not living with me. I have learned that although I thought I couldn't live without him, I actually can do it. I paid all my bills and took care of everything pretty well while he was gone. I depended on him for so much and finally realized that the only person I can truly depend on is myself.
I have put up a wall around my heart this time and I am bound and determined that I wont be hurt again. We decided that it would be best for him to live apart from me and get on his feet without my help (For the first time ever). We see eachother about 3-4 times a week and he spends the night about twice a week. He gives me money when every payday. It's comfortable for me b/c I dont feel pressured to decide what to do right now. He's in AA and working steady. I do want him to come home eventually, but right now I am scared that he will screw up again and b/c of the lack of trust, I wont allow myself to do it. He has insecurity issues and I have trust issues. We are planning to start counseling soon to see if we can overcome those obstacles and eventually live together again.

I used to think "How could he do ___________ (fill in the blank), if he loves me. I have realized that the drug overtakes them and rules their life and they do things that they would have not done otherwise. It is never because there isn't enough love to make them stop, it is a disease that cannot be conquored by love alone. You cannot make them change, they have to do that on their own. All you can do is support their sobreity, set boundaries and stick with them. That is my 2 cents, for whatever it's worth!

I think we have an amazing one of a kind true love, but the trust isn't 100%, that doesn't diminish the love and those who make that general statement, sure don't know everyone's situation.
take care

I'm eye to eye with each and every one of you ladies.

My husband is an addict.I dont know if I've ever openly said that to anybody so congrads you ladies are the first.Him and I are very open with eachother and that really has done alot in keeping us together and close however I am in total agreement with bin waitin.You had said that "Me and my husband have trust in our marriage but it is not at the 100% level. He trusts me close to 100% and that could be because in the addict and prison environment which is the environment he's lived in, trust does not reign. I have earned his trust but because of that natural instinct based on the environment he's been in for such a long period of years, a cloud of doubt on his part could hover if a situation comes up.
I don't trust him 100% because I feel in a clutch situation he could exercise a manipulative, conning, or lying characteristic of his disease. We have a wonderful loving relationship, but because of those characteristics, we have not yet obtained 100% trust."Girl I wish it wasent this way and yet I understand what your saying on so many different levels.When me and my husband got together he didnt tell me about his addiction.We had talked about his abuse as a child, his past regarding females, the loss of his brother and mother and why he felt he's done the things hes done and yet he deliberately hid his addiction from me.I felt so manipulated when I found out.I felt like, how could you have me enter into a sacred bond and not tell me all the facts?Because of that one lie it really put a dent in our relationship.Its very hard to trust someone who tells a lie such as that and even more now when someone says something negative about him its hard not question it.Him and I are building our trust but what I have really realized is that relationships really do have to be worked at in order to become healthy, strong and long lasting.If things are so naturally falling into place it would seem like maybe it was too good to be true.Me and my husband get along very well, we hardly fight and things are good between us and yet everyday we learn something about ourselves and eachother that we never thought possible.I have alot of old friends in the system and it would seem (dont take this for fact) that many many many inmates are addicts.I would have never known with mine.

That is true -- ALOT of the men locked up are either users or sellers. My husband told me he sold. Five months after his release I learned that he primarily used them. :eek: I didn't get mad because I couldn't get past the shock -- I'm STILL in shock!! Research taught me that "withholding" is one of the symptoms. So hesavedme what that means is you must forgive him and move past it that he withheld. You have to accept it for what it is -- a symptom of the disease.

My husband didn't tell me because he feared he'd never hear from me again. He's right, so I can't fault him and that's real. What he saw was the woman he was gonna come home to and live happily ever after married with; that he'd finally live a drug-free life. :o

And despite it all, you can have a beautiful and loving relationship. You have to build the dream. If you pray, don't give up, and continually work on your marriage and he staying focused, YOU WILL GET THERE to where he's finally living drug free!! :bow:

hesavedme, you girls are awing me. You ladies are truly helluva women and I only know that because I am one and I am eye to eye with yous.
:grouphug:

Once again, bin waiten you hit the nail on the head.Right before we got married I told my husband "I cannot be with a user, my dad is a user and I could never go through what my mom did with you."Same thing girl.He didnt tell me.I had to find out on my own and then when I did find out and I confronted him he still didnt want to admit it.He knows that I know.There is nothing worse then coming up for a suprise visit and finding your man drugged up.I knew right then and when I saw the look in his eyes it wasent a look of "im high and lovin it."It was more like "Im high babe, please dont look me in the eyes or call me out on it"He looked so despreate.It was so sad.My man ran the same thing."I'm a seller."Harsh reality ladies and my man has been busted a long time, more then half sell or use and when they're using its not marijuana, its the hard stuff.I had a friend tell me recently.."Im no herion addict on the street but Im and addict so when Im in prison I use heroin just like most of them."So very sad you know.I dont blame myself for my husbands problem and I dont blame him for not telling me.Maybe I would have left if he had told me.I so feel you on that bin waitin.What really gets me though is how many women really truely belive that there man doesnt use while in the system.Surely we are not the only ones with men that use and surely we arent the only ones with trust issues.I would like to see more women in the forum.It took me awhile to get past the fact that my husband uses drugs.I wonder how many more of us are out there that are just not saying it!

I was in the same boat but it's just a little different with me. The first 11 years with mine he was in and out. And everytime he was out he was smokin or doing something he shouldn't have been. They tell you one thing (that they're not using) then you find his stash when you're cleaning. And that's how the trust becomes less and less. How can you trust someone 100% when they keep defying that trust? Make a long story short he's doing another 11 but this time he's doing it without me. You can only take so much disappointment and I had my limit and then some. Hope things work out for you and your's.

Sorry it turned out that way feona.It's hard once that trust is betrayed which I have been explaining to my husband.He needs to know that nothing he does goes without some sort of punishment on me as his other half.I hope all works out for you feona.Perhaps you will find that special someone again or perhaps you already have him.Hopefuly next time around the trust is 100 %.You deserve it!!!
NIKKI

I have put up a wall around my heart this time and I am bound and determined that I wont be hurt again.
Can I ever relate to this remark!!
Mine was 4 years clean and two weeks away from his parole when he used.
I am still working it all out in my head, trying to basically understand the 3-C's.
For this next year, I am concentrating on myself and my kids first; he is the adult with the problem and can deal with it or not, but I will always love the man he is when not using.
Love the addict, hate the disease...

hey Glad You Made This Post Bin My Husband Is Also A Recovering Addict He Used And Sold For His High So I Know All Too Well The Trust Factor This Is Not His First Time Down For The Same Thing Seems Like A Pattern As Far As The Trust Issue Goes Trust Is Something That Is Earned Yes You Can Be Totally In Love With Your Man And Have Some Doughts After All When Its A Repeated Pattern How Can One Not Have Dought Doesnt Mean We Dont Believe In Them And That We Wont Stand Behind Them On Their Road To Full Recovery Doesnt Mean Were Stupid Either Means We Are Captiable (sorry If Misspelled) Of Loving Unconditionally This Time I Told My Husband Show Me Why You Tell Me You Love Me Dont Just Tell Me, Everyone Deserves A Chance In Life Now What They Do With That Chance Is Totally Up To Them I Already Told My Husband And I Mean This With All My Heart I Will Not Do Time With Him Again Time To Walk The Talk And Not Just Say The Words As Far As Anyone Judging Anyone Most Judgmental People Have Alot Of Dirty Laundry They Need Cleaning Before They Can Speak About Someone Else If You Know What I Mean I Just Wanted To Add My Inout On This God Bless

I have read the responses on here. And I respect what each and everyone of you have to say. However, I must tell you that I have went through hell with my hubby whom I did 2 yrs with and whom I am sure will end up back in prison before to long, or die on the streets.
For 2 yrs we also had the perfect inside the walls marriage, lets face it girls you can only have a so much of a marriage when your hubby isnt there with you. All the CO's where he was will tell you, that they would have never guessed any of this would have happened. As I dont wish to take away from this posting.. you can read for yourselves "What I have to do now" in this forum.. And you can see what I mean. I had that trust, I had that love, that spark, that everything.. and then 12 hours after he was home.. My world that I had known was gone, yes I took him back he got help, he used again.. and this time he beat the hell out of me. A man that had never raised his voice to me,"inside the prison walls" or any other time.. Do I blame him, At first NO now YES YES YES.. we all are in control of our own life and he knows what he has to do to stay clean, does he have to will ? YES YES YES.. does he have the want? NO NO NO... so I have to let go.. it amazes me how I can love someone so strongly and now I feel nothing.. I feel neither love or hate for him. I feel nothing. If they knocked on my door and told me he was back in prison or had died on the streets. I could not cry and would not!!! Cruel as that may sound and I know some of you dont understand that. It is how I feel and will always feel. I had it all, or so I thought.. WRONG.. to trust someone 100% I did it, how stupid could I have been? I agree you cant.. And should not, when someone is in prison they actted so different from the real world.
Perhaps their are a few that will come home and will make it and will be able to have their family trust them. I have to asked everyone to please know this
Once a drug addict always a drug addict.. can someone stay clean.. yes if they truly want that .. Also looking back, I am sure that I was the one blinded, I was in love and couldnt see what I should have seen. I will never trust again.. that is sad but it is true, wheather it be an inmate or a person on the streets .. NO MAN walking this earth will get all my trust.. they will earn it as I will earn theirs..ONLY GOD ABOVE will get my trust again.. I am scarred for life by this man.. How sad to have known that I once would have given my life for him. Now I pity him... and I HATE THE PERSON THAT HE HAS BECOME..
I do understand what was said about the trust thing, those of you who are not blinded by love are better than myself..
IF today he called and said that he was in rehab and that he was sorry. I would have to say, I wish you luck and I will be praying for you. AND I would hang up the phone.. he had the choice he choose what he wanted.. it seems I was just a get by for him.. I once said," I wish he would stay in prison, cause I know that he is mine there"..
I wish each and everyone of you the best, but be smart and dont give your all untill you know that they are for real on the outside of those walls...

much love and blessing Tina

and NO I will not ever do time again......
IT is my time now...