Hello Everyone!
I just wanted to post to ask if there are any others who are involved with an alcoholic? I am trying to understand and learn more about this horrible addiction. My guy is in for a 1-3 for DWI'S second Offense and Driving without a license. He is in programs, and I am hoping that he has learned something from them this time around. While I know he will always be an alcoholic, and this will always be an uphill fight I am hoping that he can try to beat it this time because I'm just not strong enough to do another bid with him. I have kids to raise, and this has taken alot out of me mentally and physically. I can't do this without his dedication to help himself get better or without him in some kind og alcohol treatment program, counseling, and groups. And I know the old saying............ He can only change if he wants to. It's up to him. No one can do it for him. There are some people who do overcome addictions. Not everyone continues to use, but I know it's a hard, challenging road that takes alot of love, and patience. Just wanted to vent. His CR date is November 2006 so I do have time to work on myself and prepare for this new life I will be facing once he get's home. I can't wait to feel the excitement that some of you have. The return of their man coming home! Thanks for reading!
Niecey Colette

Niecey- I hope that this time in prison has taught your honey how to stay clean and live a better life.
Alcoholism is the same as a drug addiction- except that alcohol is legal.
The hurt is the same, and so is the outcome unfortunately.
It sounds like he has a wonderful support system in you and that is awesome for him!
Take this time to work on you (like u said you will) and know that you can only live your life- and that he has to live his!
You sound like a great person and I hope he knows what he has in you! :)
Stay strong!!!

niecey, the best advice i can give you is to let you know that you can't make him change but you can change. go to al-anon. they will help you to understand the disease and how you can manage to deal with it all. he is a grown adult, you can't change him but you can love him. don't save him from himself, if you do then he has no reason to change. al-anon will lift a burden from you that you shouldn't be carrying in the first place.it is the very best place that i have been to . go now before he gets out. if he will go to aa when he gets out it will help alot but for now you go to al-anon for yourself.

Conwife's given you great advice.

I would assume that he's doing the ASAT and CASAT courses in Gowanda. As you talk to him, see what he's learning, how deep it seems to be going into his heart, how much effort he's putting into participating. It won't tell you whether he's going to succeed, but it will tell you if he's got a chance. If it's all surface and he's not really sharing in the program, then his chances are slim to none. At best, and AA is the best, the fall-off-the-wagon rate is a little over 60%. So the old saying "just keep coming" that they end meetings with is the best plan-if you keep hanging out with sober people, you just might catch it.

Good luck, sweetie - it's a hell of a ride.

As a recoveing alkie myself I can tell you that those who do embrace recovery will find a wonderful life, with a gratitude and joy that can't be described. A year and a half ago I went from jail to AA and feel that I'm living not just a healthy or normal life (which I am) but experiencing a daily miracle. Those who stick with the program will generally find this. Good luck to you both! Ralph

My husband is also in Gowanda for 1-3 yrs and is a binge-drinking alcoholic. I read the AA books to try and understand the disease. I do believe the "HALT" (Hunger, Anger, Loneliness, Tired) triggers describe my husband's problem perfectly. They are not supposed to allow those triggers to occur. He was clean and sober for almost 2 years and only fell off the wagon when we moved away from the AA meeting place he went to and had a separation which caused him to be lonely. I do believe they can change, but it is like walking on eggshells to prevent a relapse.

Niecey,
Its a long hard road to deal with, yes I have a few in my family who should be AA classes or some kind of treatment programs,My son for one has a drinking problem thats what got him put in prison for 5yrs. being to drunk not walking away from a fight and hurting a person serverly. yet I have a sister in law thats gotten away with more DWI's than you can imagine. We are just waiting for the day that she really hurts someone or herself because of her drinking. Maybe this might turn him around we hope anyway. Take Care and God Bless
I sure hope things work out for the best.

My man is in prison because he was drinking and driving and someone was killed and another paralyzed in the accident. It was aheart wrenching time, because my man is a good man, he just is an alcoholic. He started going to 2 programs while he was out on bail and I started going to a program to help myself, not with alcoholism but with coping. He was looking at a 15 year -life sentence and by the grace of God it was reduced to 2-6 because people stepped up to the plate to vouch for his sobriety and the things he learned. Now im hoping it can be taken one step further and he can be out before his 2 year min sentence is completed. His lawyer says as soon as 15 months but we Shall see. there are many things he is not eligable for because of a 2nd degree manslaughter charge such as shock, or merit or i think even work release. But hopefully there are some programs in there that can work a miracle in his life and give us the hope of getting out as early as possible. I have heard of miracles that have worked for others, just hoping for another.

Hey Neicey,
My fiancee" is also in prison because of Alcohol, (the police don't like to have to chase you when you are being an idiot in a car, and your drunk) he almost hit the police head on, anyway al-anon was helpful to me too but don't get to discouraged when I went to my first meeting the only thing people kept saying was how long it took for them to leave there husbands and I kept thinking I don't want to leave him I just want him to get help, but if you listen to the stories the main thing you will hear is you can nag him and threaten him that your gonna leave if he drinks again, you can babysit him but remember that is no life for you, and if he wants help he has to do it not because you want him to because he wants to, one other thing I have learned is they (Alcoholics) are scared that if they give up alcohol that they won't be able to function in society. All of my fiancees jail time is alcohol related and I felt like you I just wanted to understand it, but without being one you will not understand it, you can only give him your love and support!! I won't do another prison sentence either I love him but I deserve a life and so do my kids!!!

Hey Neicey,
My fiancee" is also in prison because of Alcohol, (the police don't like to have to chase you when you are being an idiot in a car, and your drunk) he almost hit the police head on, anyway al-anon was helpful to me too but don't get to discouraged when I went to my first meeting the only thing people kept saying was how long it took for them to leave there husbands and I kept thinking I don't want to leave him I just want him to get help, but if you listen to the stories the main thing you will hear is you can nag him and threaten him that your gonna leave if he drinks again, you can babysit him but remember that is no life for you, and if he wants help he has to do it not because you want him to because he wants to, one other thing I have learned is they (Alcoholics) are scared that if they give up alcohol that they won't be able to function in society. All of my fiancees jail time is alcohol related and I felt like you I just wanted to understand it, but without being one you will not understand it, you can only give him your love and support!! I won't do another prison sentence either I love him but I deserve a life and so do my kids!!!!!!! Stay strong!!!

It is hard too somethimes and I often wonder how things will be when he comes home. He recognizes his problem and he wants to face it but ht knows it is the biggest battle he has to contend with. I just hope and pray he lets me help him when he gets out and the alchohol doesn't win him over and I lose him completely:( I couldn't bare losing him again I just couldn't.

I am an adult child of alcoholics who were adult children of alcoholics who were ... ok, you get the idea - generation after generation promising themselves it would not happen to them or they would not marry one.

I intellectually heard and got in a very in-depth and thorough and searching and "go to any lengths" working of the steps the last 18 months that recovery is not something we make happen - no matter how much program. It is something that happens to us as part of the spiritual awakening that happens to us in working the steps the way the big book says to work them.

Yesterday and today the topic of spiritual awakening came up and I realized in my heart - it has happened to me. God has done for me what I could not do for myself. I had to be willing and I had to do the work ... but God did it to me.

Go to Al-Anon ... meeting shop for a good meeting for you ... people sharing a common problem is powerful (that is what PTO does, too) ... and then find a step guide who will take you through the most intense and deep and thorough stepwork you can imagine. Wrench each and every step thoroughly for every ounce it has to give. Sobriety in the meetings ... recovered as a result of working the steps.

Niecey & Dave-

One HUGE lesson I learned from having a husband addicted to cocain was that relapsing is inevitable. It sucks, it happens.

But as long as your man is commited to keep trying, encourage him. It is a LONG AND HARD road. Unfortunately, my husband O.D.'ed on Dec 7th, 2003, and for what seemed to be a life of recovery ended.

It's not that he was stressed or there was too much on his plate. Believe it or not, it started with a toothache. PAIN. Pain is a sign of relapse. As you journey through this with your man, try to pick up on the little "triggers" that have cause relapse in the past. Write them down. Be prepared. And don't get mad at him. If you need to be angry at something (which I'm sure you do, I was), get angry at the alcohol. The alcohol alters his ability to be himself. Your arguements are not with him, but with an inanimate object. So punish it. Don't allow it in your home, don't drink yourself. Don't go places where there is bound to be drinking. You change.

If you can change, then you can learn to deal with your ability to cope with the disease. By all means it is not easy, but if you truly love him, when it is all over, he will love you more than you know.

My prayers are with you.

Kari

My fiance is also an alcoholic, He did a year back in 2002 for 3rd offense drunk driving. He got paroled and was out exactly a year and caught another DUI, so he was sent back for 2-5, he has 10 months left till his ERD, so we are hoping for parole. I pray everyday, he gets the helps he needs this time when he gets out, he has went through all the programs,rehab, AA, but he always gets this feeling he can go it alone, and he should know by now he cant. But I love him, so I stand by him, we had broken up a few months before he caught his most recent DUI,so we werent together when he got locked up last July, I know that would have been very tramatic to go through, I seen it coming, that is why we started fighting and eventually broke up. We reconnected this past winter, and I am glad we did, I dont regret a minute of my decision to stand by him again, and we are now planning our marriage in January. I wish you the best of luck, its a long hard road, but so many things that are worth it are. But like you said you have to do whats best for you and your daughter, your in my thoughts and prayers.

I wish you and your family all the best. I have worked in the Substance Abuse field, and I noticed one thing. Everyone who ever had clean time relapsed, when they stopped going to meetings. Also, a Sponsor is crucial, as only they know all the feelings involved, and the alcoholic needs to realize that it isn't a solitary journey. It is really just beyond stressful living with an active alcoholic, or a frequent relapser. I know because I had 2 relationships like that. It is not as much what we do, it is they who need to make the committment, not just with words, but to follow through with the meetings and don't stop!

You and your families, are all in my thoughts and prayers! God Bless all of you!

amanda8088

Niecey & Dave, I know it is hard but you have a lot of support here, there are some wonderful people with excellent advice and perhaps an outside support group would help too. Good luck to you!

I LOVE him so much it hurts. I can help with anything but this one he has to do on own I support 1000% of course but he has to make the decision to stop drinking. We have been over this over and over but ultimately it is his decision all I can do is LOVE and SUPPORT him with all my heart.

Ruddsgrl1

Keep us posted !!! (HUGS)