View Full Version : Heartbroken and in need of friends

09-25-2005, 09:23 AM
Hello everyone....I am new to this site, and sincerely hope it will help give me peace of mind.My name is Brandy, and I live in Virginia. I am posting this because I need an outlet to get my feelings out so I don't About 9 years ago, I met Paul. He had a hard life, in and out of state care since he was 9 years old because his mother was very cruel and abusive. Paul was a mess.....Your average 18 year old trying to mask his own pain and vulnerability with a bad ass attitude...But underneath all that, I found a man who was sweet, creative, compassionate,warm,intelligent and funny. Paul and I became close and gradually he opened up to me about his life, which was no easy feat for him. Everyone in his life had let him down, so it was hard for him to open up and allow anyone to be close enough to see the real man.I feel honored to have gotten that priveledge. We were together for years....until 5 years ago when we got into a stupid argument and I needed a week to cool down and think....I will regret that break for the rest of my life.....I got home from work after about 8 days of separation, and there was a message on my voice mail from was strange....he sounded panicked and said that he loved me and was calling to say goodbye.I couldn't reach him anywhere, and no one knew his whereabouts.So I took that call as a break-up call, and went on with my life. Have you ever felt so connected to a person that no matter where you go or what you're doing, their presence remains??? That is how my life has been these past 5 years. So I decided to Google him and see what I came up with. I was in for the shock of my life.Paul is serving 2 life sentences for murder. I do not know how this could've happened....I am not in denial....I know he is guilty and belongs in prison for his crimes....But I am a wreck right now....I have so many conflicted emotions. Part of me is angry and sickened, part of me is grieving for what could have been and for so much wasted potential, and a BIG part of me feels guilty. I feel as if I could've done something differently to prevent this from happening. Paul has undoubtedly done some bad things....but am I crazy for still caring about him? A person is more than their crime. Of this, I am convinced. The man I knew was nothing less than kind, sensitive, gentle, caring....He always took care of me, and was never abusive in any way. As a matter of fact, I felt safe with him.I am so scared that this is partially my fault....After I decided to take the break, he started hanging out with some guy, Steve......Steve did a lot of drugs, and was there the night of the murder. I am worried that Paul then viewed his existence a complete failure, and didn't care what happened. I think that he thought I was going to abandon him, and lost all hope, since everyone else had failed him. Am I crazy for caring? Am I wrong for loving a man that I know has taken a life? I am so confused......I cannot talk to family or friends about all this, because they wouldn't have any compassion for the situation. I am angry that he could commit a crime of such senseless violence.....I am scared for his well-being, since he is incarcerated at a Super-Max facility that is notorious for the abuse and dehumanization of it's prisoners....I am sad because I miss him.... I am sad because I see the good in this person that the world seems to have forgotten.... I am heartbroken because to top it all off, Paul has a 5 year old son he knows nothing about.....I lost contact with him before I knew I was pregnant... I feel guilty because I know I could have done something to save him.....I know I must sound like an idiot....But Paul had no history of violence before this.... While I was with him, he transformed into someone who actually cared about himself..... despite a troubled and abusive childhood......I have written him a letter. I sent it off to Wallen Ridge....But I have no knowledge of prison mail procedures.....Do the prisoners actually receive their mail? If so, do they receive it promptly? Are they given supplies to write back? Do I have to be on an approved mail list? I have so many questions and concerns in regards to prison life....You may all be laughing at me for caring after all this time.... But the heart cannot choose who to love, and once real love has been established, It doesn't just die due to ill circumstances... Love is unconditional.....This, if nothing else, has taught me the truth in that....I would really appreciate any feedback: info on Wallens Ridge procedures and treatment.....mail mail is distributed to prisoners......visiting info and regulations.....or even just a hello from someone who can sympathize......I feel so alone right now....could really use a friend to talk to . Thanks for listening to me ramble....God Bless....

09-25-2005, 09:49 AM
Let me be the first to welcome you to PTO where you will find a wealth of the comfort and understanding that you are looking for. After reading your post my heart goes out to you, you are not crazy, not in the least little bit. I wouldn't go so far as to feel responsible for there is nothing that a person can do to change anothers destiny. But as for wanting to reach out to this man that you care so much about, and from what I gather is the father of your child I think that to do anything but will drive you crazy one day at a time. Follow your heart. I am not 100% sure but I think you need a inmates DOC number for them to receive mail. First you have to get in contact with Paul and he will send you a visitor form for you to fill out and mail back to the prison, one thing Brandy none of this will happen overnight, everything takes time, so just breath, slow down, cry if you need to, and reach out to the people that understand what you are going through. If you ever need a shoulder to lean on feel free to do so.
Take Care

09-25-2005, 09:50 AM
Oh I think if you get in contact with the prison he is in they can supply you with his DOC number. Maybe someone else will know more about how to get that then I do.
Good Luck

09-26-2005, 10:01 PM
You can go to the DOC site and perhaps it has it on there. We have our inmate numbers listed here in Kentucky. Perhaps your site will also. Other than that I could suggest calling or emailing the prison.

As far as your specific questions about the prison, if you will go to the State Forum the prison is in, you can make a thread there and ask your questions. Perhaps there might even be a member here now who has a loved one in the same prison.

I read with great interest your thread and know that while you may be feeling some guilt and responsibility for how things turned out, you are not responsible. He owns that responsibility unfortunately.

I think the key sentence was about a person is more than their crime. They are all human beings.

If you do decide to correspond and get back together, I am sure that he would more than welcome that to happen. He probably feels being in prison that you are just lost to him now.

If you get to the point in the relationship about sharing the news of his child you have, that perhaps can give him a new interest and bring him some hope.

You are not alone. I am glad you found us. Know that we are all here for you. My heart goes out to you.

09-27-2005, 04:33 AM
Missinghimsomuc, my heart goes out to you and him. Our stories are similiar but not, if that makes sense. My fiance is been in for 18 years and has at least 6/10 left. I left him 21 years ago and a year after i left he went back to prison and has been in every since.
It took me a long time to realize that my guilt was misplaced, and he was an adult and responsible for his own actions. We have been back together for the past two years and have never been happier. I still feel some guilt at times, I think we all tend to play the "what if" game, but as he tells me, he made he choices and he lives with them.
I personally think it's wonderful that you still care so much for him and want to be there for him. Love is unconditional, it took me a long time to convince Dan that i loved him no matter what has happened in his past, he's a wonderful man and it sounds like your Paul is also.
Follow your heart, and do what is right for you. That's the only advice i can give as everyone must make they're own decisions in life. If you need to vent or just want a sympathetic ear you can pm me anytime.
PTO is a wonderful site, with great caring people. God bless and Good luck

09-27-2005, 07:46 AM
Thank you so much for your kind replies....I am having such a hard time with all of this, and it's good to know I can chat with wonderful, understanding people on this site. I am in the process of waiting for a response from Paul to my letters, and I can feel my hair going gray one strand at a

09-28-2005, 04:03 PM
Missing i am like a previous poster when i say that my story is almost the same as yours but its different.. I know if you write him and tell him about everything he will be happy to hear from you and be even more estatic to hear that he has a son. We are here for you when you need us remember that..

09-28-2005, 05:14 PM
Welcome to PTO!:wave: It sounds like you have a lot to deal with right now. You will find plenty of love and support here, and someone to listen whenever you need to get things off your chest.

09-28-2005, 05:49 PM
WELCOME! :wave:

I'm glad you found pto and I think you will learn quickly we all are here for the same incarcerated loved one.

Give yourself a break :grouphug: and know that he is responsible for his choices and actions. Chances are, you could not have prevented what occured, even if you were there.

Please feel free to PM me one should have to endure this pain alone. I too love a long term offender and I know how confusing and overwhelming this all can become. :eek:

09-29-2005, 01:20 PM
I just wanted you to do have to have his DOC #. I don't think I can post a web address so go and google inmate locator then go to free inmate locator and choose Virginia. You can just type in his name etc and get the number and his location, release date etc. I don't know much about Wallens Ridge but if you need any info about Virginia prison systems I'll try and help. I wish you well.....

09-29-2005, 10:12 PM
missing i know what you are going through when i found out that my guy was in prison back in may i was in shock because i didnt think that he would have done what he did if I hadnt had left him 16 years ago. but i did find out by doing google search and we have been writting since april. i sent him a letter on his birthday and you wouldnt believe his response. i thought that i would be the last person that he would ever want to hear from. I dont condone what he did and feel sorry for his victims family, but what is done is done. if you know what i mean. like you i had to do alot of soul searching and we are working things out and still i love him as much as i did all those years ago. He did what he did and its not your fault. i would just say follow your heart.

09-29-2005, 10:20 PM
Welcome to PTO!

10-18-2005, 03:04 PM
Welcome to PTO ! hope everything goes ok :)

10-19-2005, 02:08 AM
Welcome to PTO :)
You have alot to deal with right now, and PTO is a place you can come to talk to people in similar situations.
Let up on yourself. The "what ifs" can make you do some major head miles!!! :banghead:
Hope you find some answers here.

10-19-2005, 06:25 AM
Hello Brandi!

Welcome to PTO!

I agree wholeheartedly with Coolchik, and please know that you were not in any way responsible for his crime.

There was no way to foresee it happening whatsoever.

You are so right about a person not being their crime.

You shouldn't have much trouble in finding his inmate number, and I hope his letter comes quickly!

Please take things, one at a time, so as to not be so overwhelmed, Brandi! You are dealing with so much, too much right now.

Take care of yourself, know that we are always here, and God Bless You and your son!

You are not alone!



10-19-2005, 06:41 AM
Missinghim... I hope you're working through the guilt thing... I don't know why us women tend to believe that we're responsible for things that are nowhere close to being in our control. I know it's easy for someone else to say, "Don't think about it" but how does one NOT think about it?

Thinking and feeling is a habit -- yes, that sounds quirky. *Work with me here!* :) When you find yourself on the same treadmill of the "what if" cycle, tell yourself to stop. Listen to yourself breathe blocking out all thoughts -- then picture a closed door that is an exit, no entrance. That's what the past is anyway. The future though is wide open. You can't determine his or anybody else's but you do have some say in yours.

satOsz wifey
10-22-2005, 09:57 PM
Welcome to PTO, keep your head up, and fill us in on what happens. Everyone here cares :grouphug:

10-22-2005, 10:24 PM
Brandy, i do not think you are crazy or rambling at all! Your heart chooses who to love, not your head. And God makes no mistakes, everything happens for a reason. It is very sad that his life took that turn, but I do not believe that you did anything wrong. Each person has to make their own choices and live with them. Josh, used to be in a max prison, and he got my letters pretty quick, you do not have to be on a list for mail, just visits. They do have to purchase their own mailing supplies, but sometimes they trade food or whatever for stamps and paper..... I don't know you, but I really do not believe that you could have changed the path that he chose to take... hope this helps you at least a little! Take care, be strong!

10-21-2008, 08:44 PM
at wallen ridge they do get there mail. they are prejudice up there. IF he is black? but if he minds his own business and keep his mouth quiet he shouldnt have a problem. oh and to stay away from gangs....there is a lot up there. they are on lock down right now b/c the co's have training. he is a tough place there. i have been there several times.

10-22-2008, 11:14 AM
Hi and welcome to pto. Trust me no one thinks your stupid for still caring..I am in love with a convicted murderer,there is no boundries when it comes to loving and caring for some one.I hope he writes you back, keep us posted and good luck

Deano's Girl
10-23-2008, 02:58 PM
Brandy you can't even begin to feel responsible for anything he's done, only he is responsible for that. And as for wondering whether you should love him after what he's done, you also can't feel responsible for that. No-one chooses who they fall in love with - love is unconditional, you love them whatever they have done. We're all doing that!

My thoughts go out to you.