Hello everyone....I am new to this site, and sincerely hope it will help give me peace of mind.My name is Brandy, and I live in Virginia. I am posting this because I need an outlet to get my feelings out so I don't crack...lol....seriously. About 9 years ago, I met Paul. He had a hard life, in and out of state care since he was 9 years old because his mother was very cruel and abusive. Paul was a mess.....Your average 18 year old trying to mask his own pain and vulnerability with a bad ass attitude...But underneath all that, I found a man who was sweet, creative, compassionate,warm,intelligent and funny. Paul and I became close and gradually he opened up to me about his life, which was no easy feat for him. Everyone in his life had let him down, so it was hard for him to open up and allow anyone to be close enough to see the real man.I feel honored to have gotten that priveledge. We were together for years....until 5 years ago when we got into a stupid argument and I needed a week to cool down and think....I will regret that break for the rest of my life.....I got home from work after about 8 days of separation, and there was a message on my voice mail from Paul.....it was strange....he sounded panicked and said that he loved me and was calling to say goodbye.I couldn't reach him anywhere, and no one knew his whereabouts.So I took that call as a break-up call, and went on with my life. Have you ever felt so connected to a person that no matter where you go or what you're doing, their presence remains??? That is how my life has been these past 5 years. So I decided to Google him and see what I came up with. I was in for the shock of my life.Paul is serving 2 life sentences for murder. I do not know how this could've happened....I am not in denial....I know he is guilty and belongs in prison for his crimes....But I am a wreck right now....I have so many conflicted emotions. Part of me is angry and sickened, part of me is grieving for what could have been and for so much wasted potential, and a BIG part of me feels guilty. I feel as if I could've done something differently to prevent this from happening. Paul has undoubtedly done some bad things....but am I crazy for still caring about him? A person is more than their crime. Of this, I am convinced. The man I knew was nothing less than kind, sensitive, gentle, caring....He always took care of me, and was never abusive in any way. As a matter of fact, I felt safe with him.I am so scared that this is partially my fault....After I decided to take the break, he started hanging out with some guy, Steve......Steve did a lot of drugs, and was there the night of the murder. I am worried that Paul then viewed his existence a complete failure, and didn't care what happened. I think that he thought I was going to abandon him, and lost all hope, since everyone else had failed him. Am I crazy for caring? Am I wrong for loving a man that I know has taken a life? I am so confused......I cannot talk to family or friends about all this, because they wouldn't have any compassion for the situation. I am angry that he could commit a crime of such senseless violence.....I am scared for his well-being, since he is incarcerated at a Super-Max facility that is notorious for the abuse and dehumanization of it's prisoners....I am sad because I miss him.... I am sad because I see the good in this person that the world seems to have forgotten.... I am heartbroken because to top it all off, Paul has a 5 year old son he knows nothing about.....I lost contact with him before I knew I was pregnant... I feel guilty because I know I could have done something to save him.....I know I must sound like an idiot....But Paul had no history of violence before this.... While I was with him, he transformed into someone who actually cared about himself..... despite a troubled and abusive childhood......I have written him a letter. I sent it off to Wallen Ridge....But I have no knowledge of prison mail procedures.....Do the prisoners actually receive their mail? If so, do they receive it promptly? Are they given supplies to write back? Do I have to be on an approved mail list? I have so many questions and concerns in regards to prison life....You may all be laughing at me for caring after all this time.... But the heart cannot choose who to love, and once real love has been established, It doesn't just die due to ill circumstances... Love is unconditional.....This, if nothing else, has taught me the truth in that....I would really appreciate any feedback: info on Wallens Ridge procedures and treatment.....mail procedures.....how mail is distributed to prisoners......visiting info and regulations.....or even just a hello from someone who can sympathize......I feel so alone right now....could really use a friend to talk to . Thanks for listening to me ramble....God Bless....
Brandy

Hi Brandy and welcome to PTO. You will find alot of support here. As far as the mail situation there is no list you have to be put on. They usually get their mail as soon as the mailroom clears it. If he is indigent he receives writing materials. Otherwise he has to pay for them hisself. Good luck with everything and keep your chin up.

Hey there Brandy. I've sent you a pm regarding this but I'm going to post it here too so you will always have it http://www.vadoc.state.va.us/facilities/institutions/wallensridge.htm

Were here for you sweetie.

hi brandy i read your post and you are so right we cn't help who we fall in love with, mine of course is in haynesville 2 hours from home i can't go as much as i would i like but he know that i love him so much, we were very good friends before all of this and he will be home someday and we will be together, you know you can even grow so much threw the letters visits and the phone calls and i do of course wish you the very best, :)

Brandy welcome to pto. I dont know anything about Wallens Ridge but will help with anything else. Hang in there.

Hi Brandy,
A Mother who's son is a first timer and has been at Wallens Ridge now almost 3 years, I can tell you, it is not as bad as you think or been told. I felt as you did back three years ago. In fact, I am more afraid for my son to leave there and go to some of the lower levels. The biggest problem is distance away from families and boredom. However there are things you can do to help.
One is to call every Monday Night between 8pm and 11pm to this Radio Show and send him a loving "Shout Out".... It's called Holla to the Hood and the toll free number is 1-888-396-1208. Inmates at Keen Mountain, Red Onion and Wallens Ridge all listen to this program every Monday and can hear their love ones call in and send them a Shout Out. So share this with others.
Also, feel free to contact our group, we have private rehabilitation programs for inmates. You can check us out at www.rihd.org - we are non-profit, assisting, uplifting and empowering inmates with increased rehabilitation and decreased recidivism.
Also, purchase him the "US Today" newspaper. Buy crosswords/word find puzzles from the dollar stores and send him 4-5 pages at a time. Wallens Ridge mail room are very good and accepting of positive mailing. The Warden David Robinson is very professional and will return your call immediately, regardless.
Tell you love one to keep to himself and keep a low profile. Don't borrow and don't loan until you know who is who and what is what.
If you wish to chat with me personally feel free to send me a private email.
Again, it isn't as bad. Rarely any fights and since my son has been there there hasn't been any abuse. Now RED ONION that's a whole different animal, that prison is ridiculous and crazy. We are working on getting some assistance for the inmates who are being abused physically and mentally.
All the Best

:)

Thanks for the reply.....I will absolutely send him a shout out on the radio program....He will love that! Now, do they ALL listen to it? What is the radio procedure? Can they listen to different things, or is it broadcast on a PA system? What kind of music is it? He may not listen because he has definite preferences...But I will MAKE him listen for it!! lol.....That is so cool...I am so glad you told me about this.....I have been faithfully sending mail sometimes 2-3 times a day, so it is good to hear that they actually get their mail. I was worried that some might be with-held for some reason because he is getting a lot of letters from me. I am relieved to hear that Wallens Ridge isn't as bad as I have read...I read horror stories, and have been in a state of panic worrying about Paul's well-being. I do have a question,though... What does it cost to get calls from Wallens Ridge? I live in the Fredericksburg area....I want to talk to him so badly, but am worried about the cost of calls...If you know the rates let me know...I will be checking out the website, and would love to get involved if at all possible.
Thanks again!
Brandy

Hey Brandy, my penpal is in Wallenridge Prison and your right they treat them really bad there. Right now they are under some water emergency where they can only take like 5 minute showers on Mon, Wed, Fri my guy is in the hole and he can't even flush the toliet because of this. I get mail from him like every other day and I have only had one bad time with mail and stuff as for visits they only get visits on Saturday and Sunday for 1 hour if you need to talk or have any other questions pm me.

Tia

Brandy:

My heart goes out to you. I have a friend in Wallens Ridge and I send him mail which he gets quite quickly. You should go on the Department of Corrections web page and get his Inmate Number and include it on the envelope. Inmates are given jobs where they can earn a little bit of money to purchase such things as stamps. A little money means like $.25 an hour and the Wallens Ridge inmates are not able to work as readily as other prisons in the State because it is a high security prison and my friend was sent there 3 years ago and he says it's much harder there than in the ones he had been in before.

I also have a daughter in Fluvanna Prison which is the highest security for a female and she still has a little more opportunities that they do not afford to the Wallens Ridge inmates such as schooling and job training.

As for the guilt you are feeling, please take it from a Mother who was sure that my daughter's situation was all my fault because I wasn't a good enough Mother or I didn't see the signs. An individual is responsible for their own actions. A sentence that my daughter has had drilled into her head for 5 years now and one that she has drilled into mine.

I know that your son will want to know about his father at some point in his life and I suppose that will be up to you as to when that point will come. Please don't let him be surprised by some mean spirited person who dumps that information on him out of spite.

I will be glad to listen to your thoughts and offer any words that might comfort you. I have gone through the shock stage, the prozax stage and now I'm in the resolve stage and just dealing with all this mess and trying to cope. I, like you, had never had any experience with prisons, although I was legal secretary, paralegal and court reporter for 16 years, but that was 20 years ago and I was never involved with the criminal side of the judicial system.

There are a lot of things to consider about your situation as to the relationship, etc., just know that it can be an overwhelming job to be involved with an inmate, be it as a relative or friend, because there is a lot of support needed from the outside to assist them with money, phone support and mail. If your friend is serving two life sentences your future outside of prison may not exist, so you really should make some decisons as to your personal relationship with him and where you would stand before you contact him, so that you can keep your options open.

Please let me hear from you, I care.

Linda

Hi, Im not sure if you have gotten the info you wanted about prices of telephone calls. Calls I get from the prison are over $4 on weekdays, just under $3 on weekends. Calls are limited to 15 minutes. My friend has been at wallens ridge for 1 year now. I get so upset when I visit cuz you get a hug when he comes in, and one before you leave :(. No reaching across the table or the visit is over. He gets his mail usually the day after I mail it, depending on how lazy the mail room is. Dont put any stickers inside or outside the envelope, either he will have to pay to send it back to you, or have them throw the letter away. If you need to know anything at all, just send me a message and Ill be glad to help you however I can.

Hi!
Thank you for the kind words...This has been really difficult,to say the least...I did write him and have been coresponding via letters and phone for about 3 weeks now. I did tell him about his son, and he was more thrilled than I can say. I plan on telling Kyle where his daddy is eventually, but at 5, I feel he's too young to drop such a bomb on him...So I have shown him pictures, I let Paul talk to him on the phone, but I told Kyle that Daddy lives far away and cannot be here...I think(hope) that is sufficient for now.It's not a lie, but it isn't the horrible truth, either. I don't even want to think too much about why he's in prison....I'll have a panic attack!

Linda, I am so sorry you're dealing with 2 loved ones in prison. That must be very trying.My heart goes out to you, and I will keep you and your family in my prayers. Have you actually been to Wallens Ridge? Where is it, and how long would it take to get there? Are there any buses that go there? I have a car, but it's a gas hog...lol....I don't know if I'd be able to afford the gas! I am new to this....He said he is trying to get permission for a special visit, whatever that means....Otherwise, he can't add me to his visitor's list until January.

I am well aware of the level of commitment required by me to be with him. I have given this much thought, and have come to the conclusion that he is worth it to me. I have loved him for almost a decade, and haven't wanted anyone else....You know how you occasionally meet someone that changes your life, and you are never the same because of it? Where there is a connection on a level so deep that words cannot define it? That is what I have with Paul. I have tried having relationships with others, but it has never worked. I have never had any interest, because my heart was already spoken for.

Jerrysfuture,
Why no stickers? I sent one with stickers, and it never came back to me. He apparently received it. Maybe they didn't notice. Thanks for the info...And why can't you hold hands across the table? What would that hurt?That is just ridiculous....Can you kiss them? How long are you allowed to hug them for? After 5-6 years of not seeing him, I won't wanna let go! Is that just at Wallens Ridge? Or do those strict regulations apply everywhere? He is trying to get moved to Sussex to be closer, since he has had a long stretch of good behavior. So my fingers are crossed....
Well I need to get my day started. Thanks again guys! I'd love to keep in touch...
Brandy

Brandy:

I was checking out the RIHD website that Nettie recommended and it has a bus and/or a van that travels to Wallens Ridge once a month it look like. I will be calling to find out. I have never been to the prison. I live in Alabama, but that isn't really the reason. I will go into it later. But I am planning on trying to get B's grandmother a trip up before Christmas since he has not had a visitor in 4 years and he would be estatic I'm sure, if she will go.

When I visit my daughter in Fluvanna, we are allowed to sit arount facing each other in chairs, although she is not allowed to let her 7 year old daughter sit on her lap. You say, "What can it hurt?" who knows, but some of their rules are beyond me. They make me feel like a criminal when I'm there. We are searched and we are not allowed to take anything in with us, except coins for vending machines, (which you know they are making money on). My daughter loves to get treats from the vending machines because there are things she cannot get any other way, so it's a big treat for her and we take lots of change to buy junk food and sandwiched, etc. They even search my 7 year old granddaughter, it's beyond annoying. I have certainly changed my attitude about people in prison and about people who are guarding them. Some of the guards are cold and authortative and others are civil and polite...............I have had some run ins with a couple of individuals let me tell you. You have to let people at the prison know that you are out here and that you will hold them accountable...........I don't get as much respect because I'm not a Virginia resident therefore I carry no vote to which I could call my Congressman or Senator. You will have that option if you are not satisfied. Don't look for him to be transferred in the very near future, my guy has been waiting over a year to be sent to a lower level prison and the level 3 and 4s are so overcrowded they have to stay in Wallens Ridge way past their time waiting for a space. Knowing this you would think the Parole Board would lighten up on releasing non-violent offenders, but I have been fighting them for years now with no success.

Good luck, let me hear how it goes.

Linda