We all know that we can't trust what they say, so the question is, "what are the activities or behaviors that we have observed that indicate an addict or alcoholic is seriously pursuing recovery or even recovery from a relapse?

From my experience and what I have observed, these are some indicators that he or she has hit his or her bottom, turned the corner, and is ready to give it up and pursue a life without substance attachments and dependency, one day at a time, as best her or she can:

1. He'll attend every meeting that he has to in order to stay clean. Probably every day for a while, voluntarily and without prompting by anybody, other than maybe his sponsor. You might even find him attending two a day, if necessary.

2. On his own, he will get a sponsor - the toughest one he can find -- who will bring him to understand rigorous honesty in every aspect of his life and who will demand that of him. And he will like it and he will say he likes it. He will talk in favorable terms about his sponsor -- he will say good things.

3. He will begin to do everything that his sponsor tells him to do, to begin working the 12 Steps of AA/NA. And I mean everything. When his sponsor speaks, his only question will be "how high?" It will be noticeable to you. You will find him checking in with his sponsor every day by phone for a while, and meeting with him about once a week to do what he will call "12 Step work."

4. He will start saying nice and good things about the meetings that he is attending -- not complaining. No disparaging remarks about AA or NA being a "cult" or how bad or useless the meetings are, etc.

5. He will probably start marking his "clean time" in days and carry an AA or NA chip in his pocket. You might find him keeping a calendar where he marks off the days in some form or fashion.

6. You will see the beginnings of his trying to acquire and lead a spiritual life. What he says and what he does will probably be subtle at first, then more pronounced as time passes. You might find him carrying or using a book of meditations furnished or recommended to him by his sponsor -- and he will actually be reading them periodically, if not daily, maybe first thing in the morning.

7. He will actually talk "recovery," not just abstinence.

8. On his own, he will avoid the people, places, and things that he used to include in his life at all costs. You will observe this.

9. Manipulation of you will continue, probably, but it will be must less pronounced. You will feel this.

10. He will find another way of communicating and be very cautious and "fearful" of relapsing. It will be obvious.

11. Others will probably comment to you, out of the blue, that they notice a change in him. His recovery friends, if you are around them, will comment to you that he is serious about recovery.

12. You will notice that he has started "feeling" again, and if he was ever a church attendee, you may find that he begins attending again, or if you are a churchgoer, maybe that he does not actively resist your offers that he joins you there on Sunday.

So, is it your opinion that no one can get clean/sober without a twelve step program? Or that they can't stay that way?
My husband is clean 24 months, on his own. No program, no mentor, no meetings, no support group but me.
I wonder if he is destined to fail, or if you have perhaps missed a few signs of recovery...the ones that don't have to do with an organized treatment program.

Many do get sober without a 12 step program. Staying that way is where the difficulty comes in. Abstinence in a structured setting like prison or rehab is far different than real recovery on the streets. Addiction leads to jails, institutions, or death, they get there by doing things “their way”. One of the AA sayings is “I can’t but we can”, that’s where the fellowship of other recovering addicts/alcoholics who are also serious about their recovery comes in. It is a program of accountability and rigorous honesty, honesty with themselves and with others. We as loved ones do not have either the been there/done that experience, or the professional training. We can’t love or cheerlead someone into sobriety. We can however, be supportive and work our own programs.

Last time my exbf was on lock he was abstinent for over 2 years, he was using within an hour of getting out. He was picked up 6 months later, now he’s been down for over 3 years, again he is abstinent, not working any type of program. He has a very supportive girlfriend and young son, but will be going right back to the same people, places, things, that he lived before going in. Sadly, his chances of remaining sober are almost zero. I hope I am wrong, I hope I have missed the signs. But, I’ve been around hundreds of addicts in the last 6 years, I have not seen a single one do it on their own, their way.

I agree.. my guy was clean 10 months in prison, was high within 30 days of getting out. Then went back in and was clean 90 days got out and was high that very day. Went back in this time clean 70 days and was high withing 3 days. I think that staying clean by yourself is way too hard, you don't have anyone who supports you and it is very easy to convince your partner your ok then it is another addict. AA and NA work , if they didn't it wouldn't still be there.

What are the signs that they are serious about getting help while they're incarcerated but are currently waiting to start a drug program?

kbg,
Every prison should have AA groups, the Big Book and approved recovery based literature. If for some reason that is not available to him, you can contact AA and they will send literature to him directly. Hopefully he will get into a drug treatment program soon. Unfortunately, many in prison are unwilling/unable to really open up about their addictions and feelings, both being considered somewhat of a weakness while on lock. To me it is so frustrating, many are in prison because of addiction/supporting a habit. It cost's at least 3 times as much to house a prisoner for a year than it does to send them to inpatient rehab for a year. Prison does almost nothing to address the issues of addiction, decision making skills, life skills, job skills, parenting skills, etc. So, many times there really is no growth, no movement forward. They just get warehoused for whatever length of time they are serving and return to the same situations they left. Except they now carry the stigma of having a felony record, which makes it even harder to find employment. Which once again begins the cycle of feeling like a failure, self-medicating, turning to crime to support themselves/their families, being picked up on new charges or violating the terms of their parole/probation. And so on, and so on. The system is broken, and until more resources are available to help treat addiction, the cycle will continue to repeat itself for many.

Could you please put your post under The Drug War heading in Drug Offenders sent to prison? I just read that section and was so disappointed in people's responses. Your post really put it into perspective especially the part about warehousing and felony records and the cost of keeping them in prison versus rehab. Rehab might not work until the 10th time but there's no stigma there.
I'm a nurse. I frequently take care of inmates when they are hospitalized outside the prison. It's costly, but no one wants to fix the system. The guards love the overtime and they love it when they can waste their time and still get paid for it. It's the Prison Industrial Complex and we are feeding it.

Bubsmom,
I posted a reply and also posted a paper I wrote about Mandatory Rehabilitation. I just had a real Duh! moment, I've only been at PTO for almost 2 years, and I just noticed the War On Drugs Forum. I'll just blame it on being a bottled red-head :D.

We can’t love or cheerlead someone into sobriety. We can however, be supportive and work our own programs.
I spoke on something similar to this in a When The Relationship Is Over Thread today and folks was not trying to hear it. I tried to relay that aside for the cheerleading YOU MUST address his issues AND WORK ON THOSE ISSUES WITH HIM otherwise your relationship could bust up after release. Sometimes people just get scared of information, of knowledge that they don't already have and attack the deliverer of the tip/information. I been there done that so I don't speak for my benefit -- I speak for the benefit of trying to help the ladies but because I'm not on the "A" list of peoples' opinions who they respect, I get dogged.

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My husband is an addict but he does not use his choice of drugs in prison. That has nothing to do with what he gets from me. What it has to do with is HIS MIND because your mind can fix this thing. He could be high as a skunk, get arrested for some offense he's committed to get the drug money and once those cuffs go on him his mind goes into a "I'm done with the drugs mode". And, he tells me that -- I'm done. He wasn't, but that's what he swore during his incarceration. After release and a period of thinking twisted therefore doing things he should not be doing, he gravitated back to the drugs and relapses. I'm in my right mind to believe had he come out not acting the fool over his newfound freedom and instead being serious about himself and his addiction, that he could have stayed on the right path.

Anyways, the way his mind works, because this thing falls back to the mind "you do not do drugs in prison because a dirty urine is a no-no that will cost you a ticket with penalties."

True, you are not supposed to do drugs in society either, but because there is no officer to test him and give him a write up, you can run and hide until the p.o. issues a warrant for your arrest. This may not make sense to a non addict but I think it would to an addict, meaning if you are a non addict, don't try and understand that.

Now, my presence and what I contribute to his life did have some part in his sobriety in society. Before he met me, he said when he got out -- like what you ladies have said -- he used the same day and if not then definitely by the end of the next day.

When I met him and he came home he did a first -- he did not replase until 5 months later which was A FIRST. Subsequent releases it took him between 1 and 5 months and then bam -- relapse.

He did try after his releases that I was in the picture but he relapsed because of other issues he had, like being addicted to the streets, and, because manipulation and lying are part of the addiction, he was manipulating and lying to females in the streets when he should have been thinking "I just got home, what in the hell am I doing?! Why am I still playing that tired game that only gets me back inside for 4 & 5 years a pop."

Because the next pop could get him life on the end, and because he's lost his front teeth and you know the ladies like a nice grill on a man, NOW he's ready to get it together. He's not getting it together for ME because often that ain't how it is. He's getting it together for HIM because he don't want no bid with life on the end and 20 on the front.

Yes he is. He has had some experiences and because of the learning that he's done from those experiences, he is taking his addiction square biz serious.

One of the things his experiences have taught him is if you come out without a plan, YOU'RE DONE!! He said you must get your road to recovery started while inside because if you are truly serious when you get out, you won't come out on that b.s. but instead on the serious tip of taking your issues SERIOUS, taking your life SERIOUS, bringing what you were working on in there out here and continuing to work on that from this side of the wall.

I'm impressed with what he's doing. Time will be the true teller but with us both having God first in our lives instead of just me having God first in my life, we are faithful that it is not in God's will for him to relapse after this release. And if he does, then it's also my figuring that I am in the picture because it's God's will that he have a wife, and, I am that wife who will more than likely stand by him through thick 'n thin. We don't know what the Lord will do, all we do know is what His will is will be.