Ok... WARNING... this is gonna be a long post. I have been without mail from my JD for a few months now (except for 2 letters which he had to hustle to get envelopes to send) because he has had no commissary since being transferred (he is in segregation...) Well, he was to get envelopes on Tuesday so I was so looking forward to being able to hear from him on a regular basis again!! He only gets 2 one-hour-long no-contact visits a month... which I always go to... I last saw him on Saturday morning....
Well today, I get home and get the mail and I have a letter from another inmate at Menard CC (where he is...) This is what is says.....

"I'm a very good friend of Jodell (aka JD) so don't be curious about me writing you at all. This is the only way Jodell can communicate with you at this time. I'm pretty sure that you are aware of what's been going on between Jodell and the staff here over the past few months, well this is the latest chapter in the book. On 5-11-02 JD was moved to a medical gallery for voicing his opinion to the listed names: Capt. W, Lt.Z, Sgt. C, and CO H. From what I have been told by Jodell, he was moved because he spoke up for a guy who was having a seizure and the aforementioned names didn't seem to agree with that, so he is being punished by being placed behind a steel door, and that's just a small fraction of his so-called punishment. His fan was destroyed and all his writing material was confiscated, this is the reason I am writing you now. The Menard vs. Jodell fight is getting out of hand, pretty soon it's going to be dangerous for him to sleep and eat around here. He has to understand it's a no-win situation, you can't fight the fight for everybody. Half of these problems wouldn't exist if he would just focus on what needs to be done to make it out of here. Why would you stand up for somebody that's sitting down, and at the end you are the only one dealing with the repercussions. He talks about you every day, how he can't want to get home and his feelings for you and his family, etc. He can't make it home being a ring leader for a bunch of circus clowns. Like I said, I have been knowing JD since we were little kids and I have never seen him the way he is now. The officers down here don't give a damn about his mental condition and if he doesn't know that by now, he'll soon find out. He don't understand he's not the only one dealing with him being here, oyu and his familyt are dealing with the problems as well. I respect you for the sacrifices that you have mae, and I know JD listens to you more than anybody else, so I know that you'll tell him what's right and do wahtever for him. But he told me to let you know to contact his family and that you all call down here every day. Like I said, it's getting out of hand and that will be the best thing to do."

Now... JD did tell me about this guy... that he knew him from growing up, etc....... I just don't even know how to react. I am angry and frustrated and frightened and don't know what to think or do anymore.........
HELP!!!!!!!

My God! I can feel your emotions through my monitor as I read this!

I'm sure there are other members of this group that could possibly give you a better answer than I. But, I'm not sure who you could contact. Possibly the Chaplain?

I would be worried that writing a letter to JD expressing your concerns and advice, would it make it to him?

We are all here for you emotionally & spiritually. Whatever I can possibly do to help you, PLEASE don't hesitate to let me know.

I'm sorry I can't offer more or better advice. But please know that we are here for you.

JD & U are in our prayers!
Carla

Carla...
Thanks for the quick response!! I AM writing a letter to JD.. the worst I figure that can happen with that is that they can not give it to him, but they have done that to us before (Lord only knows just how many letters I have written that are sitting on some DOC employees desk or in a file somewhere).... I also already wrote a letter back to this guy just telling him thank you for writing the letter he did and for letting me know what's up... and just told him to tell JD that I got the message and will do everything I can to take care of it.... I am still trying to get a hold of his family so I can insist they call tomorrow.... In the meantime I am just trying to pull myself together so I can give JD the strength and encouragement he needs to maintain! Thanks for your thoughts and prayers....... that ALWAYS helps!! :)

You are very welcome! Like I said before if I can do anything to help out, please let me know!

I am glad I made you laugh with the jokes I posted. Lord knows we need some humor in our lives right now!

I am sitting here at the computer writing JD and I just jumped back on to read some more posts, and I literally had just written "All I know is that you STILL need to honor TuPacs wisdom.. And always keep your head up and keep your sense of humor no matter what you have to face!! I am telling you baby.... don't ever let em get your spirit.... because that is what will get you through...."
:) He is a huge fan of TuPac and we both love the song "Smile for me"... I even wrote out the lyrics for him and made him promise me he would sing it to himself every day while he is in seg with no radio.... Don't know if anyone else knows the song, but in the beginning, he says "there's gonna be a lot of stuff you're gonna see in the future that's gonna make it hard to smile... but through whatever you see, through all the rain and the pain, you gotta keep your sense of humor... you gotta be able to smile through all this B***S***..." I try to practice what I preach to him!

Shawna, I'm so sorry to hear about this. It makes me mad too and I don't know JD personally! You know, if I can help with anything, like sending a letter or something, you know where I'm at!

At least he got someone letting you know what's going on. Will you be able tovisit him this Saturday?

No I am not going to see him this weekend... and honestly, the more I think about this whole thing, the more frustrated I get with JD. I mean, don't get me wrong... I love the fact that he is the kind of man that believes in standing up for what is right, but he really needs to learn how to pick his battles and sometimes just mind his own. I feel like he is just creating a really big reputation of being a difficult inmate, which just makes it harder for me or his family to try to do anything. He needs to realize that the system just isn't right and he doesn't have the power to change it, but neither do I or his family!! He is going to have to try to find a way to just do what he has to do, or he is never gonna get out of the hole... and if he keeps going the way he has been... he is going to be lucky if he finishes his time without catching another charge! Don't get me wrong, I love him and I will stand by him, but I feel like I am being punished too!! I don't want to have to go another 2 years without even getting to hug my man!! I don't want to have to go another few years having to drive 14 hours for a 1 hr visit!! You feel me???

JDs...

Honey I am so sorry to hear that JD is encountering more problems by the IDOC!! If you think there is anything AT ALL & I mean it girl that I could do please don't hesitate to ask!! You have been a great friend in listening to me in my long e-mails about missing EJ & such. Now it's my turn to do something for you. At this moment I don't have any ideas.

You are doing the right thing though by writing him w/thos Tupac lyrics. JD needs to know & keep it in his head & heart that he needs to be strong NO MATTER WHAT! Once DOC defeats you, you have no hope at all, you know?

I just read your latest post & I agree w/what you said. Let him know that he needs to take care of JD not everybody else. He does seem like a good stand up guy that wants to be there for others. He needs to see though that he is in a situation that he gets put down for helping others & being the good guy. He needs to be there for him..."Take care of the homefront first!" I totally know what you mean about not being able to hug him & dong all the driving & such for the next couple years.

Take care & I am here for you whenever you need it, ok??
Diona

I'm so sorry to hear about more of your troubles. I understand you completely when you get upset with him about his actions. I can't imagine what it is truly like to be in prison and to have to take all of the bull from staff and other inmates and I know alot of what goes on because of Butch. I think if it was me, I couldn't hang like they do. Butch is the strongest man I have ever known. I don't know how he handles the things that he does.

I will say a prayer for you and your sweetheart. Take care and hang in there.

>>>Take care of the homefront first!"<<<

Best advise for anyone in any situation! If he is BENT to be involved, do it in the back ground.

Apparently he is a person that enjoys evaluating a situation and hunts for answers. But he has to learn not to operate like a BULL in a china closet in pushing his findings. Angry needs to be redirected to positive thinking that put him in control and not the situation and in that, to learn how to manipulate the system as much as possible, and realize there's not much chance for change.

There's not much chance of changing such a person's thinking in reguards to evaluating situations without breaking them. That isn't healthy and the "system" could do that if "HE" doesn't take control of how he operates!

BRAy... I love your analogy of a bull in a china shop... :) I am going to send JD your post!! Thanks for the feedback everyone....

I am sorry to hear there is trouble going on...My first feeling is I am very proud that JD is the type of man who stands up for the right thing--but he must understand that therer is a time that you have to think about your OWN well being other than someone else's..he doesn't have to change the system and really can't while he is inside--he needs to work to get outside those walls and out from under the control of them before he can really make a difference...I think he needs to just FOCUS on you and coming home and kind of block out anything and everything that will delay or prevent that...I am sending my thoughts and prayers to you and JD..and if there is anything I can do..call anyone..write anyone...write JD..whatever you name it you are always there for me ...just say the word! Hang in there!
give me a call if you need anything!

Hey... if anyone is willing to write JD I would appreciate it... Maybe he will hear things better coming from someone beside me or will take heed to the advice if it is reinforced by more than one person.... he just doesn't seem to get that I can't "fix" things for him..... no matter how much I love him.... His contact info:
Jodell Dawson, B67250
Menard Correctional Center
PO Box 711
Menard, IL 62259

I am going ot send him one ok?

Thanks Amelia!! :)

WELL JD
HERE I SIT AND I AM DUMB FOUNDED.. I HAVE TO WONDER WHAT IS GOING ON INSIDE YOUR HEAD.. I MEAN COME ON MAN YOU ALREADY KNOW THAT THESE CO'S WANT TO CLOWN ON YOU AND YOU ARE GIVING THEM REASON TO.. COME ON JD I KNOW THAT YOU ARE SMARTER THEN THAT.. SOMETIMES IN LIFE WE HAVE TO DECIDE TO WALK AWAY FROM THINGS AND FIGURE OUT WHICH ONES ARE WORTH THE FIGHT AND THE CONSIQUENCES..

I HONESTLY HAVE TO SAY THAT I AM PRAYIN THAT WILL FOCUS ON YOU FOR A MINUTE AND NOT LET THE OTHER MEN IN THERE HELP CREATE MORE DRAMA FOR YOU.. I WOULD LIKE TO COME TO THAT WEDDING WE WERE TALKING ABOUT.. SO TO DO THAT YOU NEED TO GET OUT.. YOU HAVE THE ABILITY TO DO THINGS OR TO NOT DO THINGS AND RIGHT NOW YOU REALLY NEED TO EXERCISE THAT ABILITY AND MAKE SURE YOU CHOSE YOUR BATTLES WISELY.. I WANT TO SEE YOU GET OUT OF SEG AND COME HOME.

I CAN NOT EVEN IMAGINE THE HELL YOUR IN RIGHT NOW BUT I DO KNOW THAT THEY HAVE NO PROBLEM MAKING HELL WORSE SO PLEASE I URGE YOU TO THING OF YOUR BABY AND YOUR FAMILY WHEN YOU ARE QUICK TO HELP OTHERS. I DO COMMEND YOU FOR HELPING BUT IN THE LONG RUN YOU ARE ONLY HURTING YOURSELF. JD THIS IS NOT MENT TO UPSET YOU BUT JUST TO EMPOWER YOU TO REMEMBER YOU HAVE TO LOOK OUT FOR YOU TOO. WHERE ARE THESE GUYS WHEN YOU ARE TAPPED OUT AND NEED SOMETHING. THEY GOT YOU THEN?? REMEMBER THAT OK.. WE ALL LOVE YOU OUT HERE AND SO WANT TO MEET YOU.


ps SHAWNA I HOPE THIS DOES NOT UPSET YOU BUT I WANTED TO TELL HIM WHAT I AM FEELING.. HE IS SO CAPABLE AND SMART AND IT FRUSTRATES ME TO NO END TO SE THAT THEY CAN RATTLE HIS CAGE SO MUCH.

TO SHAWNA AND JD

One night a man had a dream. He dreamed he was walking along the beach with the LORD. Across the sky flashed scenes from his life. For each scene, he noticed two sets of footprints in the sand; one belonged to him, and the other to the LORD.

When the last scene of his life flashed before him, he looked back at the footprints in the sand. He noticed that many times along the path of his life there was only one set of foot- prints. He also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times in his life.

This really bothered him and he questioned the LORD about it. "LORD, you said that once I decided to follow you, you'd walk with me all the way. But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life, there is only one set of footprints. I don't understand why when I needed you most you would leave me."

The LORD replied, "My precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you."

Author Unknown

I will write him directly,ok?

Thanks Shortie.... it didn't upset me and I went ahead and printed it out directly from PTO to send him... I appreciate it...
Thanks also Soraya.... It really brings tears to my eyes that you all care this much.... I hope that JD will see he really does have a big extended PTO family here and I hope he will take heed to your wisdom and advice!!

JD.....

LISTEN TO WHAT THE GUYS AND GIRLS HERE ARE TELLING YOU..... THE THING I HAVE TOLD MY SON OVER AND OVER IS THIS.... IF YOU LET THEM, THEY WILL CONQUER YOU.... SOMETIMES THE HARDEST THING IN THE WORLD IS TO TURN YOU BACK AND WALK AWAY FROM A SITUATION YOU KNOW IS WRONG....

SOME OF THESE CO'S DO EVERYTHING THEY CAN TO KEEP YOU UPSET.... DON'T LET THEM DO THAT..... WALK LIKE A MAN BUT HOLD YOURSELF.... REALIZE THAT YOU ARE SMARTER THAN THEY ARE....

GOD BLESS YOU SON..... KEEP SHAWNA IN YOUR MIND AT ALL TIMES AND REALIZE SHE IS BEING HURT TOO...


MY PRAYERS
DONNA

shawna you know that i already have wrote to JD. I get so pissed off when they do this. Regardless of the reason you do not need to treat an inmate like a piece of meat that has not emotions or feelings. they wonder why they are so bad in there. they are turning men and women that made some mistakes or bad choices into animals that are worse now then when they entered into the system.. the coruption and stall tactics that prisons use as punishment to inmates create problems instead of fixing them.. it is not benifical by any means to lock someone in a cage with no cloths or any reasonalble means of sleeping arrangements and exspect them to respond well to you. Come on who would exspect a postive responce from that kind of experience?? It just pisses me off that they even have the mantality that it is helpful.. HELL NO IT IS HARMFUL in many ways..

I feel you Shortie.... I really do.... It is so hard to tell him to "maintain" when he is facing another TWO YEARS in segregation.... AND.... he STILL isn't getting his meds....
I really feel like they are just setting him up... but even if that is true, he can't take the bait, or he will NEVER get home to me!! I basically told him that his heart is mine, but the reality is that his a$$ belongs to IDOC for now... so no matter how wrong things may be he is just going to have to try his best to work WITH the system for now, because he just isn't ever going to win trying to fight against it!!

YOU ARE RIGHT WITH THAT. BUT I AM TRYING TO FIND SOME INFO OUT ON COURT CASES REGARDING THE SYSTEM NOT GIVING MEDS AND ALSO ABOUT THE CONDITIONS HE IS FACING.. IT IS UNHUMAN AND I KNOW THAT THERE IS SOME LAW CASES OUT THERE THAT COULD HELP US IN THIS BATTLE.. I WILL DO ALL THAT I CAN AND DIG THEM UP THEN WE NEED TO FIND AN ATTORNEY WHO IS NOT AFRAID OF THE DOC. TRUST ME THEY DO EXSIST.. STAY POSITIVE AND WE WILL GET JD THE HELP HE NEEDS.

IT MAY NOT HAPPEN OVER NIGHT BUT IT WILL HAPPEN YOU CAN COUNT ON THAT.. I AM SO MAD AND WHEN I GET MAD I GET EVEN.. HIT THEM WHERE IT HURTS THE POCKETBOOK.. TRUST ME THEY WILL LISTEN THEN..

Shortie... You have been so much help already I don't know how I could EVER thank you enough.... You have no idea how much it helps me get through each day... Thanks hon!!

You are more then welcome.. you have helped me too. One day I am going to come up there and let you meet the man you helped free.. You have helped me relize that there is still hope in people and not to give up.. I will always fight but there for a minute I sure wanted to not fight anymore.. Now i am mad as a hornet and ready to do what it takes again.

thanks for helping light the fight flame in me again.. love ya girl...

I will also keep my eyes open on things that might help. Since I've been here, I've met wonderful people who are willing to help each other, unconditional, that's truly amazing!

JD

HI, I AM SHERRI, ONE OF THE MANY PEOPLE HERE AT PTO THAT CARE SO MUCH ABOUT YOU AND SHAWNA. ALTHOUGH I HAVE NEVER MET YOU FACE TO FACE, I HAVE HEARD ENOUGH ABOUT YOU THAT I KNOW YOU ARE ONE HELL OF A MAN, AND I KNOW HOW MUCH SHAWNA LOVES YOU,AND THERE IS STRENGTH AND POWER IN THAT LOVE.

WHEN I READ SHAWNA'S POSTS ABOUT THE PROBLEMS YOU ARE HAVING WITH THE CO'S AND TRYING TO HELP OUT OTHER INMATES IFEEL FOR YOU.I KNOW I CANNOT POSSIBLY HAVE ANY IDEA OF WHAT YOU FACE THERE ON A DAILY BASIS. BUT I DO KNOW, FROM MY EXPERIENCES ND CONVERSATIONS WITH MY RON WHO IS PRISON HERE IN NORTH CAROLINA, THAT MANY GUARDS WILL DO WHATEVER THEY CAN TO MESS WITH YOU, PROVOKE YOU, WITH THE GOAL BEING TO "BREAK YOU." I KNOW YOU ARE A STRONG MAN WITH A LOT OF PRIDE AND PRINCIPLES AND IT TAKES A LOT TO BITE YOUR TONGUE AND ENDURE THAT SH**. BUT REMEMBER YOU ARE BIGGER AND BETTER THAN ANYTHING THEY CAN DISH OUT, AND STANDING YOUR GROUND SILENT WITHOUT ALLOWING THEM TO PUSH YOUR LIMIT ONLY SHOWS THEM JUST HOW STRONG YOU ARE AND WHAT YOUR STAMINA IS. WHEN THEY DETERMINE THEY CAN'T PROVOKE YOU, THEY WILL MOVE ON TO SOMEONE WHO IS MORE VULNERABLE. DON'T LET THEM GET THE BEST OF YOU. STAY STRONG IN MIND. THEY CAN'T TOUCH YOU THERE, UNLESS YOU LET THEM.

I KNOW YOU WANT TO COME HOME; I KNOW SHAWNA WANTS YOU HOME AND YOUR FAMILY WANTS YOU HOME. FOCUS ON COMING HOME AND DO WHATEVER IT TAKES TO MAKE THAT DAY HAPPEN AS SOON AS IT POSSIBLY CAN. DON'T LET THEM TAKE THAT AWAY FROM YOU, WHEN PEOPLE MAKE YOU ANGRY, IT IS NATURAL TO WANT TO RETALIATE WITH WORDS AND ACTIONS-VERBALLY, PHYSICALLY--BUT THE SMART THING IS TO USE YOUR HEAD--USUALLY IT IS NOT WORTH IT TO GO THERE. BE STRONGER THAN THAT.

AND I THINK IT IS GREAT THAT YOU WANT TO STAND UP FOR OTHERS THERE WHO ARE BEING TREATED WRONG-BUT YOU CANNOT DO THAT TO YOUR OWN DETRIMENT. YOU CANNOT BE ONE MAN TO FIGHT AGAINST AN ENTIRE ARMY. MAYBE YOU COULD TALK WITH THEM AND HELP EMPOWER THEM TO STAND UP FOR THEMSELVES WHEN APPROPRIATE, AND TO BACK DOWN WHEN IT JUST NOT WORTH IT. AND I KNOW, YOU KNOW SOMETIMES IT'S JUST NOT WORTH IT.

JD I AM NOT JUST TRYING TO WRITE YOU A BUNCH OF BS-A LOT OF WHAT I AM SAYING TO YOU ARE THINGS I HAVE TOLD RON . I KNOW HOW BADLY SHAWNA AND YOUR FAMILY WANT YOU OUT HERE WITH THEM, BECAUSE THAT IS HOW I FEEL ABOUT RON. SOMETIMES I BASICALLY PLEAD WITH HIM TO THINK ABOUT THAT WHILE HE IS MAKING CHOICES ON THE INSIDE.

I COULDN'T BE MORE REAL THAN WHEN I SAY I WANT YOU AND SHAWNA, ME AND RON, EVRYONE HERE TO GET PAST THIS STAGE AND MOVE ON TO A LIFE OF HAPPINESS TOGETHER WITH THOUGHTS OF PRISON WALLS LEFT BEHIND IN THE DISTANT PAST. YOU CAN MAKE THAT HAPPEN JD, AND I KNOW IT IS WORTH IT TO YOU.

HOLD ON-BE STRONG

MUCH LOVE

SHERRI

Thanks Sherri... I printed it out this morning and am sending it off to JD...

youre welcome-you know my thoughts are always the best for both of you-i luv ya!

JD

HERE IS ANOTHER NOTE FROM THE OLD WOMAN IN THE FAMILY.... I WANT YOU TO REMEMBER ONE THING... THE POWER YOU HAVE OVER THEM IS YOUR MIND....

DON'T KNOW IF SHORTIE TOLD YOU OR NOT, BUT MY SON'S FIANCEE WAS WRITTEN TO BY MY SON'S CASE WORKER AND SHE WAS TOLD SHE COULD NOT WRITE TO HIM AGAIN.. I CALLED HER... SHE WENT TO HER SUPERINTENDENT AND FOUND OUT THAT SHE COULD NOT STOP WRITTEN COMMUNICATIONS BETWEEN THE TWO. BOY, WAS SHE EVER APOLOGETIC....

WE COULD HAVE HAD A MAJOR SITUATION... I KNOW HOW BUTCH WOULD USUALLY REACT TO THIS TYPE SITUATION. BUT, HE REALIZED JUST HOW STUPID THIS WAS. SO, HE DID NOTHING. HE WON..... THEY WERE EXPECTING HIS TO BLOW SKY HIGH. I EVEN WAS... BUT HE DID NOT DO WHAT THEY EXPECTED SO HE WON...

NOW SHE CAN WRITE HIM. KEEP YOUR COOL BIG MAN.... YOU WILL BE FINE..... JUST KEEP YOUR COOL.


MY LOVE
DONNA

I received another letter from JD's friend.... And now I am reeling!! My fears were confirmed that JD is again in the health care unit... and unless he gets out by Friday, I won't be able to see him this weekend. As long as he is there, he can't write either... :( Also, many of the things his friend wrote have me really worried about his well-being and safety... :(:( On the upside, a few things that he wrote really made me feel good about how JD feels about me.... I will probably be sharing more than you all really wanna have to read... so feel free to skim!! These are exerpts from the letter.....

"... The reason I said it is dangerous down here is because I have seen it happen too many times. I don't consider these "officers" professionals that work in these concentration camps. 75% of them are incompetant and have no educational background at all. So when it comes to dealing with situations in a professional manner, they can't do it. When they feel like they have had enough our of someone they react with violence, becoming the same thing they consider me and the rest of these guys-- "a criminal." I have been in Menard since January and I have seen two superintendants walked out of here and a seargant commit suicide after causing bodily harm to an inmate. Even though the inmate was in violation of department rules, they had no right to beat him like they did. And I am sure it's getting to that point with JD. Right now they have him in the hospital on close watch. They had to all orange crush to get him out of his cell, and knowing orange crush, they more than likely him him a couple of times or used some kind of force to get him out of there.....
.... This is my first time being around JD in 10 years. He's been gone since he was 14 and I was 13, so we were growing up in two different worlds. I was doing all the things he wanted to do if he only had the chance to.... and although he was happy for us, he was hurt that he didn't have the chances we had and from what I understand, he took his hurt and his anger out on the people around him and it was too much for him. So when I ran across JD this year I was happy to see him and we had a chance to talk. We stayed up several nights just catching up and one night in particular his emotions played a major part in our converstaion. He told me about his three years in seg in Joliet, the constant fighting, the hunger strikes, watching guys commit suicide and being an eye witness to rape and murder. At that time, the joints were what we call open, meaning there's a big difference between then and now. It was a lot more dangerous back then, it was crazy and the aforementioned was everyday life. He told me it was rough being a young guy growing up around older fools and savages that only knew how to do wrong... I am sitting back thinking that is some deep shit, and it's even deeper when such a young guy has to go through it...
Then he told me about a female named Shawna, and how he doesn't care what anyone has to say, but that is his baby and he loves her. He told me, I dropped my flag because of Shawna, and I did this and that because of Shawna, and for the time he spoke of this Shawna person he was free and all you could hear in his voice was elation. You had some guys who questioned if "Shawna" was even a real person or some fantasy JD had in mind, because it sounded too good to be reality... But I know JD doesn't lie, so now he gave me a reason to envy him.... I thought to myself that I have a lot, but I don't have a Shawna I can talk about like JD does right now, but I am happy for him. Over the years JD became a leader, he stopped gangbanging (and that's amazing). He writes poems and songs, he learned to fight with his mind and not always his hands, and found love in a place that's a breeding ground for hate, so when I said I have never seen JD like he is now, it was meant to be said in a good way and something really needs to be done before his days get dark again...."

I just want soooo BADLY to be able to hear ANYTHING from my JD, I can't stand it.... please keep your fingers crossed that he will be out of the health care unit... because I just don't know if I can even handle being kept away from him any longer......... :(

girl, I am so so sorry to hear that. I just want to give you a really big hug....it's terrible to feel like there's nothing you can do...and to not being able to hear from JD, telling you he's alright. 1 positive thing, at least he has someone informing you about what's going on, so at least you don't have to wonder why you haven't heard from him at all....I know that isn't much of a comfort though.

I don't know what to say...try to hang in there and make sure you're allright. take care of yourself, make sure you're taking care of yourself. JD will make it through, but he'll need you.

and feel free to vent here at any time (like you don't know that already :)) keep us informed about what's going on...and let the fear and anger and all the emotions out...if you feel like crying, just cry until you have no tears left. it doesn't matter, as long as it makes you feel better

love ya

It is so hard to feel so helpless. You know someone is hurting and you can't do anything but pray. Prayer is strong though. Don't quit and when you feel like you can't handle any more.... we are here, ready and waiting to help.

Shawna...

I am soo sorry to hear about what JD is going through!!
Stay strong throughout this...try to take care of yourself! I understand what you are going through right now w/not being able to get any kind of contact, but like Soraya said it (hopefully) is a small comfort that a friend of JD's is kind enough to keep your informed. The not knowing AT ALL is the killer, you know?
JD is a strong man & he will get through this rough time as well as you will.

I am going to keep you & JD in my thoughts & prayers (don't really pray too much)! Remember if you ever feel like talking, venting, crying...I am always an e-mail or phone call away ok!

Take care!!
Diona

Shawna, I'm so sorry to hear that. I can't imagine having to go through that! Stay strong. You have all of us on your side and thinking of you.:)

hang in there, shawna! what you're going through must be so painful, but you have the support of all of us! *hugs*

thank you all ladies, for the reassurance... I will keep you posted when I hear something... for now I am just trying to make it through each day and figure I can put off til tomorrow at the latest to hear whether or not he is still in HCU and know whether or not I will be able to see him.... so... til I know for sure, there is no reason to be too upset... or at least that is what I am telling myself... :)
Thanks for just letting me get all that off my chest and share it with y'all....

UPDATE: I GOT A LETTER FROM JD TODAY!!!!!!! I AM SO EXCITED!!!!!! He really didn't say that much about what has really been going on with him, though... he wrote "I'm f***ed up decent so we aren't gonna talk about me..." and later wrote that "just because I may smile or laugh with you on a visit or joke and play in a letter, don't think that I'm alright or OK because I am not! Every day I do in this *^&#$ joint is pushing me closer to the edge...." :(
But... he did make me smile and laugh like I haven't in the longest and I needed that... and I got to hear "I love you" and "I appreciate you" which is ALWAYS nice.... :)

ow, I'm so happy to hear you got a letter from him. It sounds like he's still not feeling really good, but who could blame him? he comes to you for some support, and he knows you'll give it to him. I don't know what kind of man JD is, if he's open or closed about his feelings? But maybe it would help a little if he can open up to you about how he feels exactly. I know this is probably hard. Darrell tells me he can't talk about his feelings 'like you females do', because he's a man. All I answered was that he knows he can trust me. that i won't think he's a sucker if he tells me he's feeling bad or whatever. that he should have at least 1 person he can feel completely free to talk about everything with. and since he doesn't want to tell this to his mom, because he doesn't want her to be worried, that he can always use my listening ear.

It's just that I've learned myself, if you keep everything to yourself, it'll eat you away, slowly.

Do you know if he received my letter yet? I will send him another one.

JDs...

I am Soo happy for you that you got a letter from JD yesterday!!! I bet that made you feel good after not being able to have a letter from him for a while, huh?
Have you had a chance to call down to Menard & see if you can visit w/him this weekend?

Soraya...
I am like that w/EJ, at first he really didn't open up that much about things that were bothering him guards, etc. that were giving him a hard time. Many times he would call or I would get a letter & I could feel things weren't right & when I asked him all I would get is..."I am tired of this locked up sh**!" Now though through much explaining on my part I have told him that he can be open w/me because he says he trusts me. Now he is open about things that bother him.

Diona

Diona, I can hear it in Darrell's voice. I'm like" why do you sound so sad" and he says: "I'm just in my little sad feelings, don't worry about it" ...and then he's like:" I better start to change my voice, you pick it up too easy"...still working on him opening up...but we have time...

You know Soraya I think it could be that they really don't want to tell us if they may be having problems w/employees or if they saw something bad happen because they don't want us to worry. Little do they know though that because we love them we are going to worry no matter what, you know?

It's really a day by day thing with trying to get EJ to tell me what's wrong when I hear his voice. All we really have had is phone calls so it's so easy for me (like you) to pick up things in his voice.

Diona

JD is actually really open with me about his feelings, but unforunately, what he is feeling these days is mostly frustration to the point of rage... If I know him, the reason he didn't get started on it in the letter is because by sitting there and writing about it he would be thinking it all over and just get himself fired up about everything.... Which is probably a good thing on his part because when he does get fired up he tends to get himself into trouble.... you know?? I still don't know if I will be able to see him or not.... I should find out later this morning.... The bottom line is that he has really pissed some people off down there and they are messing wtih him (destroying his property or not giving it to him, putting him in extreme isolation, etc....) Now, he wants me to try to fight all of this, but I know the reality is the more phone calls I make and the more letters I write, the more angry they will get and the more they will f**k with him.... So it's really just something we need to talk about in person.... you know?? He's already facing two more years of seg, which means two years of no commissary, no phone, etc... and DOC has already shown us that they will mess with mail.... take away his ability to write or withhold his mail.... and I just don't know if I can stand being cut off from him like that... and I don't know how much he can handle what they can, will and have dished out to him. I am very afraid that he will really end up getting into it and will not only get beat down, but may catch another charge..... and more time is the LAST thing we need....
Soraya... JD didn't say anything about receiving a letter from you or anyone else from PTO, but I will be sure to ask him if I get to see him or in my next letter to him!!
That's all for now... thanks for listening to me babble!! :)

Shawna,

I'm sorry that you have to deal with all of this bull from the DOC. Maybe one day someone can get something done about how they operate!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

shawna- know both you and jd are really frustreted, how could you not be? but i know it meant a lot to get that letter- just to know SOMETHING-

you have obviously become a driving and positive part of his life and i am sure he thinks of that to help him refocus when he feels his rage rising-

hang in there- better days are coming

Thanks Sherri... it looks like a better day will be tomorrow, because I will be able to go visit him tomorrow!!! YEAH!! I will get the chance to talk face to face with him about what has been going on and what we should do next... have to hurry up and pack so I can take off after my afternoon appointments.... want to get down there in time to get a few hours of sleep in a cheap little hotel so I can at least be refreshed when I see him... I have decided I just can't handle the overnight driving thing, unless it's absolutely necessary.... will update you all when I get home tomorrow night....

GOOD DEAL YOUNGIN..... SO GLAD YOU GET TO VISIT... GIVE JD A HUG FROM AN OLD WOMAN AND TELL HIM TO KEEP ON HANGING ON. YOU TOO CHILD... MAY GOD BLESS AND KEEP YOU BOTH..

DONNA

Hey I am just hulled out right now. I feel like I am going through this with you.. I am worried for both of you and keep praying everyday for him to get some peace in that madness. I hope he got my letter.. I sent it a long time ago and I have not gotten anything back.. Do you think they kept it? If so I am going to call the warden and ask what is going on.. if they want to play games I will send a letter a day that has to be signed for. then I know they got them. If they want to F@#$ with the mail they will lose.. I did that with ant and guess what he always gets his mail now.. so find out if they gave him is letter if not I will make sure they give him them from now on.. Know that..

Well, I just got back from my visit with JD and it was WONDERFUL!!! Probably the best visit we've ever had!! Sorry, Donna, no hugs as we only get a one-hour no-contact, but I told him how much is he loved about 100 times.... :) We had such a great heart to heart about this whole battle.... He thanked everyone who posted to him and wants to assure everyone that with the incident with the guy having a seizure he wasn't acting a fool... but he also told me (and told me to pass on to all here at PTO...) that he would do it all over again.. and he wants us to understand why. He said that the day when he becomes so self-centered that he wouldn't speak up for a guy in need will be the day that DOC wins, because they will have made him compromise his own values out of fear. He said that he knows in his heart and in the eyes of God he was right for speaking up... he said that he does know the risk he takes by doing so, but that he will refuse to lay down in the face of injustice no matter what the price... he says that he does try to be smart about it and not give them TOO much reason to punish him... but he said if all the guys are so afraid that they turn a blind eye to the wrong that is being done to his brother, that the corruption in DOC would be even more outrageous than it already is. He also explained to me that while he expects the CO's to be a$$holes he clings to faith in humanity through his relationships with the other guys who are in the boat with him... and he thinks that he would lose all hope the day that something happens to him and none of his "guys" have the guts to speak up for him. I agree with a lot of what he says, but he also knows where we are coming from. He said that he finally has his mind right and that through me (and PTO...) he has hope. He says that he IS focused on coming home, and that while he knows many of our efforts to speak up for him may fall on deaf ears, he still just feels better and can face each day knowing someone is speaking up. He says that he can accept anything they do to him, but the one thing he CAN NOT accept is to just lie down and take it without pointing out that it is wrong. I saw peace in his eyes for the first time in about 6 months... and it's amazing the affect that has on my heart!! I am geared up and ready to fight for him... and I know no matter what they try to do, me and him will be alright... and that day will come when we will be together...
Shortie... Just so you know, I did ask JD about his mail and he has not received ANYTHING from PTO members.... :(
And I KNOW that you are not the only person that has sent stuff out to him.... Also... he told me to tell you specifically that he LOVES the fight in you and he is so glad I know you because he knows that you will give me ideas and hope during those times when I get discouraged... he thanks you for doing research on his behalf and for being willing to spend your time to help him out when he knows you have too many of your own battles to fight....
Renee... JD also had a message to you... that he is sorry NCDOC is being so bogus to you and Butch... and to know in your heart that you did nothing wrong by having love in your heart for a man, and that in the end that love will win!!
He said he sent a letter out with some more messages for PTO, so when I get it I will post them!!! Just another thank you to EVERYONE for getting me through the rough times!!
I love each and every one of you!!
:)
Peace.......

He hasn't received any letters? Alright, Shortie, I am with you. Send the mail certified so he has to sign for it? Is that how it goes? JD.... can you give us his address again. I know it's posted here but this place has gotten so big I am loosing my place of where everything is some times :) (which I guess is a good sign!!)

Anyway, I am sending it certified also. Anyone else up for the challenge?

Joy

might just have all his mail sitting in personal property? happeened to my guy once & took like 3 weeks for them to cough it up!!

I don't really understand what the problem would be, because he IS receiving the mail I am sending, but said he hasn't gotten anything from PTO.... and I wasn't sure who all had sent mail to him or when.... For mail I send him, it takes about 2 days to arrive at the prison and another 1-2 for him to get it.... But we also discovered there is an issue with things that I have sent that he isn't allowed to receive.... if there is anything that he is not allowed, it is supposed to be returned to the sender... but they aren't doing that... I am guessing the stuff they aren't giving to him is just going in the garbage rather than them stamping it "return to sender" or taking the time to address an envelope and pay postage to return things (ie: I sent him several "Source" magazines which I guess he isn't allowed to have.... I didn't know....)

i am raging now. i am going to sit down and write him another letter and send it ceritifed tomorrow. they are pissing me off. watch this i will do it everyday and next week they will get my point. even if i just send the same letter over and over again.. i am having surgery tomorrow but i will do it before i go in

Shortie....
I will be thinking of you tomorrow... what kind of surgery do you have to have done??
I will let JD know what you all are doing for him!! He will love it!!

I've sent him one last week. It might take a little longer, but it's in an Airmail envelop. I will send on out this week too. Don't know when yet, because I'll start painting the house...but I'll make sure I do it.

Soraya... There's a pretty good chance he hadn't gotten yours yet just because it would take longer.... but I did let him know he had mail from overseas on it's way... he thought that was pretty cool... I know he will be excited to get other mail... so thanks guys!!

SHAWNA-GLAD YOU HAD SUCH A GREAT VISIT-FROM THE COMMENTS JD MADE I CAN SEE HE HAS AREAL GOOD HEAD ON HIS SHOULDERS AND I UNDERSTAND EXACTLY WHAT HE MEANT WHEN HE SADI HE CAN TAKE WHATEVER THEY DISH OUT BUT NOT WITHOUT POINTING OUT WHEN SOMETHING IS WRONG-SOUNDS LIKE HE'S GOT IT TOGETHER-AND WITH YOUR LOVE AND SUPPORT, AM SURE THAT STREGTHENS HIM EVEN MORE-MUCH LOVE TO YOU GIRL-TOMORROW DID TURN OUT TO BE A BETTER DAY!!!

SHAWNA:


YOU HAVE GOT ONE H--- OF A MAN THERE GIRL... HE IS VERY SPECIAL.... HE IS SO VERY RIGHT.... GOD BLESS AND KEEP HIM AND MAY HE COME HOME TO YOU VERY SOON.....

MY PRAYERS ARE WITH YOU AND J.D. WHEN I SAY YOU HAVE TO LEARN THE WALK, HE IS EXACTLY WHAT I MEAN.... IF YOU ARE AN INMATE WITHIN THE D.O.C., YOU MUST LEARN TO WALK AND TALK LIKE A MAN. IT DOES NOT MEAN YOU NEED TO BE A SMART ELEC....

LOVE AND GOD BLESS.


DONNA

Everyone just took the words out of my mouth. Great words of encouragement JD!

There are so many times when JD actually encourages and uplifts ME and keeps ME going, when I often think that it is my job to do that for HIM!! Guess it's a good thing that we can do it for each other.... He IS a wonderful man and I respect and admire him SO much!! :)

i re sent that letter and i am sending a card and a letter tomorrow. can you say certified mail.. i am pissed until i know he is getting my mail i am going to continue to do it that way... little mail room lady is not going to get the best of me..

YOU GET 'EM SHORTIE!!!

little mail room lady....hahahahaha I can see her right now!

This is JD's response (in a letter received today) from the advice/posts everyone gave him which I sent to him....
He writes:
" Baby, tell Shortie and everyone on PTO I said I feel them on their advice, support and concern and I love them for it. Also, tell them I swear to stay cool from here on out so I can get outta this God forsaken place!! Tell Shortie she made me cry with "footprints" because for one, it explans exactly how I feel these days and for two, my mother had that poem framed and on the wall outside her kitchen when I was younger and I remember the first of MANY times reading it as a young boy. I really hold that poem close to my heart!!"
Shortie... he also said "I was really diggin the Boys II Men song. I will always meet you in my dreams boo... :)"

he is so sweet! I'm glad he's taking the advice and staying cool!

awww....poor guy. i just cannot imagine what these guys go through everyday. i am not sure i could deal with it...i guess you just have to completely change your frame of mind *sigh*

...and what's up with all this "lost" mail??? i guess it's about control, huh? pathetic when you get off on controlling someone that essentially has no control.....

JDs...that's great that JD is going to take the advice of PTO members & stay cool. You both need him home BAD!!

April...you are so right girl!! They want to control every aspect of our guys while they are inside, little do they know is the mail is the only thing they truly can't control. That's why if they continue to mess w/EJ's, his mom's & my mail I am taking it to the postmaster there. Those letters are just as important to US as it is to our loved 1's!!