DETACHING WITH LOVE

1. The upset families that are concerned about the addiction of a family member may experience problems in these areas:

a) Physical: health related problems such as headaches, hypertension, insomnia upset stomach, heart palpitations, etc.

b) Emotional: feelings of anger, resentment, loneliness, guilt, shame, depression, lack of ability to laugh, etc.

c) Social: isolation from family and friends, embarrassment, aggression towards others, control behavior, etc.

2. Detaching with love or letting go involves making changes in our attitudes and behaviors toward others and making an effort to focus on ourselves.

Some guidelines to help are:

a) Change is a process. It comes slowly and is often difficult. We need to focus on progress and not perfection.

b) Begin to behave responsibly for oneself and stop blaming our behavior and attitudes on others.

c) Accept that what has happened in the past and accept what is happening now.

d) Practice the three "C"s:

1. We did not Cause the addiction

2. We cannot Control the addiction

3. We cannot Cure the addiction.

e) Stop using unhelpful words as: "why", "what if...", "should", "have to", "yeah but", "try", "can't", etc.

3. Five helpful steps to detaching with love include:

a) Get honest with yourself and others.

b) Spend time with people who understand.

c) Begin to trust in a Higher Power

d) Constructively dump the baggage such as resentments, anger, hurt, shame, etc.

e) Get and stay involved with Alanon, Families Anonymous, Nar-anon, CODA and other support groups.

Read more (http://****************/AskaRecoveringCrackAddict/detachwithlove.msnw)

Shelby thank you sooooo very much for this post. I think if you don't mind I am going to print it and put it on my refridgerator and read it daily. On of my brothers was just blessed again after his release without getting another violation. He is drinking and using. It breaks my heart to see what he is putting himself through but I somehow have to let it go. I have 3 children at home and each time I let him come back to my house with God only knows what infections he has came home from he steals everything he can get his hands on. The last time he came home he had a staph infection and looked horrible. I managed to get him to a doc and get medication for him. 2 days later he was back out doing God only knows what. Now it's been over a week since I have seen him. When my daughter saw him a couple of times during this week he told her not to tell me she saw him. Am I wrong to wish him back in prison? At least then he won't be actively killing himself. sorry for the vent... but I really don't know where else to turn

Welcome and I am sorry about your brother. Unfortunately, loved ones who do drugs do some awful things and don't care about anything but the drug. No it's not wrong to what your brother back in Prison. I remember wanting that for my ex and unfortunately even that did not do anything for him. He get's paroled and is off and doing the same thing. but at least when he's in prison at least he's safe and not out killing himself.

My exbf is a 20+ year crack addict. He has done some horrible things to those he loves over the years. And it is not wrong to wish them back in prison if that is what it takes to give us some peace of mind. I know prison is a horrible, degrading, dehumanizing place to be. I still love this guy, even though he can never be a part of my life anymore. But, I feel at peace when I know he isn't eating out of garbage cans, has a roof over his head, has a job, has food to eat (no matter how yucky it may be). I also know from inside he can't hurt his family or me. Detaching and letting go is the only way for me to deal with it. I just about went crazy with worry when I allowed myself to be involved with the chaos that goes with addiction. He had been to at least a dozen rehabs, expensive ones, self-pay, state funded, and free missions. He didn't work a program, and still isn't. So, when he gets out I'm sure he will be right back on the pipe. I don't think they ever really know how much damage they cause to those who love them. When things start to get to them, they just numb the pain.

Thanks to those of you who responded. I don't know how but I have to let go. My doctor has informed me that my body can't take the stress anymore. Once again last tuesday I ended up in the hospital with so bad they had to give me benadryl and steroids IV to get it to stop. My b/p was at stroke level and I felt like I was having a heart attack. I wish there was a way to explain it... but I just haven't been able to detach and let him be a man. I am hoping this last hospital visit will help with the process. Anyone else have any suggestions?