I have been trying for a few days now, to post this chapter in my life.
I picked my hubby up on Aug 20th after waiting for a long 2 yrs.
It was the most heart felt reuion, he cried like a baby and so did I.
It was amazing that he was even alive, just 10 days before he was to come home. He had a major heart attack and they had to rush him to the medical center and place 4 stents in his heart. So God above knows I was so glad to have him finally home.
We spent 12 wonderful hours together.. that was it..
12 hours after we were home he was MIA he called that Monday on the 22nd and asked if I would come and get him. When I asked where he was, he wouldnt tell me. Just gave me directions to come and get him. I love him so much, that I didnt ask questions I just went. I pulled up to what seemed like a nice house? In a very nice neighborhood.. I walked inside this house and thought that I would
throw up.. It was nasty and had a strange smell. When I asked where my hubby was I was directed down the stairs and to a room with a large TV in there all dark, and my hubby was lying on the couch and looked like hell. I am still wondering how someone looks like that, in a matter of a few hours or days. I asked if he was ok and he said yes,he pulled me to him and told me how sorry he was. I just cried and said its ok, I love you we will work through this. His beautiful gold chain that I had worked my butt off to be able to buy him for his homecoming was gone, the ring I had bought for anniveray was gone as well. I asked where it was and he told me he needed 100.00 to get it back.
I went to my car and got it and he called the guy to bring it back.
Once his jewerly had been returned we sat and talked and I had so many questions as to why?
Truthfully, he couldnt answer not one of them. We walked out to the main room of the house, and I lost it, there were so many people sitting there , just stoned , stuck is the word that he likes to use.
I lost it and began telling them all what I thought of them.
I spoke strong and firm and wanted to know , how they could live like that. I told my hubby, you think these are your friends? They are your friends as long as you got drugs, when there is no more drugs then they will be gone. It was sad .. each and everyone of them had a story.. I was sick and had to leave to go out side.. My hubby got in the car with me and we drove home. He tried to explain to me, I just cried. I could not understand how one day you are there and just the day before we were at the church where we were to renew our vows and have his fathers 91st birthday .. on Sept 10 this was to all have taken place...and to have him come out and do it. I was shocked.
He never asked me for anything while inside the prison walls, just to come and visit when I could, to take care of our son, our home, and to love him . Which I did and still contiune to do..
When we got back home he slept and I thought all would be ok. The next day was tough but we made it. We went and got his Drivers Lis.
so that he could go and look for a job. That afternoon when we returned home, (Weds) he asked could he use the car and go to the store. I told him hang on and I will go with you. He just smiled and told me to trust him, he was done.
Suddenly this sick feeling came over me, and I couldnt breath
and I knew it was going to be a long night. I called him on his cell and asked if he was ok about an hour after he had left he said yea he was just driving and thinking and was talking to some old friends that he had ran into. Still I was trying to tell myself everything was ok..
I put our son to bed and tried to lay down and sleep. My nerves were gone and I started throwing up again. By now he had been gone a long time. I called him and he didnt answer. After about 2 hours he did and when I asked where he was he said he was on his way home.
I asked him to please hurry that I was sick and needed him.. He said ok. Around 2 hours later he showed up. OH I was sick by now, very sick. He came into the bed room and brought me something for my tummy and I tried to sleep.
I remember falling into like a twight light sleep and could hear him in the living room.. I got up to go and check on him and he didnt even look up to see if it was me or what. There he sat in our living room with a needle stuck in his arm. I again got sick. and didnt say a word..
I fought back the tears and went in to lay down with our son.. I locked the doors behind me.. at around 5:30 am on Thursday morning I got up and there he was sitting in our kitchen with the needle in his arm again.. this time , I lost it!!!
I walked over to him, asked him what in the hell was he doing or thinking and took everything from him and told him to please go into our room and lay down so I could get our son up for school. He was stuck and couldnt move.. All he could say was " I need to come down, I did to much!!!" I freaked.. I could think of nothing but our son waking up and seeing his father this way, or him over dosing and me having to call 911 and the police coming and having my son taken away.. I tried to get him up and into the shower he couldnt move, and was so hot and clammy, was sweating and his eyes where beginning to roll back in his head...
I manged to get him to the living room and sat him in front of the A/C got a big bowl and filled it with ice and water and got a towel and bath cloth and turned down the A/C as low as I could..
I washed him and kept talking to him, it seemed like I was there with him trying to bring him down for hours but it was only about 45 mins..
I got him up and took him to our room and laid him on the bed and shut the door and got our son ready for school. I came back and he was trying to get up and did after about 2 hrs.. And started demanding to know where his dope was..
Down the drain is where I wanted to tell him, which is exactly where I put it. I played it off and told him I didnt know. He became angry and went and got himself a beer at 10 am in the morning...
I told him, that he needed to leave, he looked at me and told me to make him. I knew that legally I couldnt but I also knew he had no money and would be wanting that fix soon.
I walked into our room and began packing everything that I had just given him for his homecoming, new cloths, colonge, jewelry, nikes, lugz, any and everything. He sat and looked at me and said " Are you sure, this is how you want it.?" I wanted to scream and say No, its not how I want it, I want my Sweet Tat back.. but I knew he was no more. The Devil had got him, I just couldnt figure out why so fast?
The next 14 hours were hell.. He forced me to take money out of my account and put me in my car and drove me to yet another drug house, where he went in and bought drugs and got back in my car and told me to drive like there was nothing wrong and if the cops stopped me . I would go to jail cause it was my car and the drugs where in there too. I just sat there very numb and was praying that I I would wake up... I drove him to the very same house that I had pulled him out of on Monday.. He got out of my car and took his drugs and never looked back at me. Didnt say , I love you and I am sorry...nothing ... just wanted to know when I was bringing his car to him and the rest of his stuff.. I told him in about an hour.. I left feeling used and unloved and worthless and beating myself up for his actions.
If someone would have told me that he would have done me this way I would have told them , they were crazy.. he was the model inmate, never got into trouble and yes I knew that he had a drug problem but I swear I thought that it was addressed we even talked about him going to NA when he got home, I told him I would go with him...
Today, has been a week since I saw him.. I last saw him to take his meds for his heart.. alot of good they are doing!
I know this is long and I know that everyone is wondering, why I didnt see it before he was home. I can honestly tell you I didnt.
I have cried and I have got angry and I have went over everything in my mind a million times and there is not one thing that I saw.
The day that I saw him, I was all dressed up trying to make myself feel better...
He met me at the door of the drug house I left him and at, and he looked like death warmed over. His hair was all shabby and I can rememeber that he never let his hair go over 2 days without getting it cut. He had these dirty clothes on, even though he has all these .. new ones. He met me at the door and was straight or at least half way, Bent down and kissed me and took my hair in his hand the way he always did, and said" Look at my pretty baby" "You sure are pretty girl" " You know I love ya".. I smiled and tried to hold back the tears. and told him , I hope that he was ok and that if ever the day came he wanted to get help I would be there for him.. He just smiled and said I know.. Asked how our son was and that was it, I kissed him on the cheek and left..
It hurt and it hurt bad, but driving down the road, I pulled over and cried and prayed and reliazed that the man that I left in that house was not the man, that I was in love with and that I may never have him back..I have to go on and that none of this is my fault..
And I will not beat myself up for loving someone with all my heart and soul and loving them despite their past and flaws..
I will heal and everyday is better or so it seems.
I worry about our son, but for now he knows that Daddy is away and sick...
I havent heard from him in 2 days now, not since I turned off his cell phone, so he couldnt call his drug man. Of course, I heard hell about that but thats ok.. maybe when he hits the bottom he will call and want my help.. maybe the cops will come to my door and tell me that he is dead or has been arrested again...
As for us, I dont know if there will ever be an us again. I wont turn my back on him but I cant live like that either. Hopefully he will get help and find the sweet loving person that I know.
The other day, I recieved a call from one of the guys that was in the dope house the day I let them have it. And he told me that I really made an impact on him and that he left that day and hasnt been back that he started to go to meetings and that I saved his life?
Woke him up... I told him I was glad and that he was better than that place.. and that I would keep him in my prayers.. he said thank you.
And then he told me that Tat loved me, but he was sick and I told him, Yea I know that.. Just wish I would have gotten through to him too.. and I hung up..
The next night an old friend called and checked on me and she made a statement that has stuck with me ... she said
" If you are with an addict and and even though you arent an addict you will live like one"...
And I reliazed that she was right...
I love " MY SWEET TAT " and I miss him so much ... but I have to love me more right now..
I know this is long but it has helped me to write it... I only hope that someday before it is to late...
He learns to love himself...

Take care and Gods blessings ..................

Please look at my signutare........

I'm sorry you are going through this :( I have never been with an addict, but I have lived with one. My sister is an addict and has been for years! I understand how hard it is to deal with! I don't want to turn my back, because it is my sister! But you can't keep enabling them to do what they are doing. I don't know what advice I have for you....seems like you have your head right and are headed in the right direction. :grouphug:

I am soooo soooo sorry that you went through that and sooo sorry that he can't fight his addiction and realize what he has in you and your son. I HATE drugs and what they do to people. When my ex was out there getting high again I used to pray that he would just end up back in jail, then at least I knew he was safe and not getting high and I could have him back... I wish you luck and hope that things can get better for you!! HUGS!

I don't know anything about drugs as I have never been around them and hopefully never will. Reading this almost makes my cry. I feel for you. I cannot possibly fathom what you are going through. You seem to be strong in your own way. I know that this cannot be easy. God has given you the strength to make it through this even though it seems impossible. How else could you be holding your head above water right now? I found it very interesting that one of the men at that house called you to tell you that you made such an impact on his life. That there shows you that God sent YOU there for that man. Maybe it is not meant for you to save Tat even though I know you would like to. God has a plan for Tat, but most importantly, He has a plan for you. Maybe all of this was a wake up call for you to start living your life for YOU and your son, not Tat. God will deal with him in His own special timing. All that you can really do is pray for Tat. It seems as though he has no intention of changing on his own. As for you, keep talking and writing about it. I find that can be more therapeutic than anything. Stay strong and if you can't stay strong for yourself, do it for your son. You're all he's got.

I'm so sorry sweetie...I wish there was something I could do to make this all better. I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.

Girl, I am so afraid. That could be me in 10 months. Bobby's drug use put him where he is, he couldn't stop until he was in prison and now I am scared. I am printing your post and sending it to him. I can't do it again, so if there is a chance I'll have to leave now. My heart isn't strong enough.

((((HUGS)))) You are living the nightmare we all have that have loved ones with addictions. We are all here for you when you need us. Prayers to you and your son to make it through this time. Prayers that Tat sees the path he needs to take to be sober.

Tatsbaby,

I am sorry you are going through this with your husband. Unfortunately there is nothing you can do for him but take care of you, your son, and protect what is yours. Protect your assets and your bank accounts. enabling him and protecting him from the consequences of his behavior will not help it will actually just prolong him using.

You are right when you say he is not the man you loved. From that one hit he's no longer that man and might never be again. I know what you are going through. I wish I could tell you that after 3 years its been a happy ending but it hasn't been. I let go and moved on with my life. I had to!
As a recovering drug and alcoholic, I had to set boundaries and it's been the hardest thing I have EVER had to do to enforce them. He found another enabler, they always do, it's just one part of the disease.

Following your heart in a situation like this is not your best option especially not for him or for you and your son. (((((((((hug)))))))))) my heart breaks for you and thank you soooo much for sharing this. IF it's ok, I would like to move this post to the introduction part of this forum. IF you need anything at all I am just a pm away.

Sunnie
PTO moderator (drug and alcohol forum)

Sunnie Thank you .. and everyone for the support..
I know what I have to do and will do it
as far as enabling him , I wont and neither will his family any longer
he is out there on his own..
and that sometimes breaks my heart..
but I know that we are only helping him feed his habit if we give in to him
so I refuse to let that happen....


love Tina

so sorry you had to go through this, it's gotta be a heartbreaker...you handled it so amazingly well. I am sure life has great things in store for you and your son has a wonderful strong mom. drugs do horrible things to wonderful people.

My heart goes out to you. My stomach turned as I read your story because like some others, this is a fear of mine. If you don't mind, I would also like to print this out and send it to my Vin. You and your son are in my prayers, stay strong, you're doing the right thing.

Tats...I am SO sorry you are going threw this...but as you said...you had to do this for YOU!! You can NOT beat yourself up for this...b/c NONE of it is your fault!! Being an addict(heroin)...I know that there was NOTHING anyone could do to stop me...I had to want to stop myself!! I am hoping that your man will hit his bottom...and that his bottom isn't death!! My thoughts are with you girl!! As I was reading your post...I got tears in my eyes b/c I could feel your pain...and it brought back all the things that I have done to the people I love when I was using!! I am happy to hear that one of the guys in the dope-house has decided to change...I just hope he is strong enough to do so! I am SO sorry and I wish there was something I could say to take away your pain...but there isn't...:grouphug: You do have the right attitude though...you NEED to stay strong for you and your SON!! I think you are doing the right thing...b/c you are not completely turning your back on him...but you are NOT helping him to keep getting his drugs. You are NOT enabling him...and that's tough love...but it is what a drug addict needs!! The longer they have people/possessions they can use to get high...the longer they will keep getting high!! I hope thing work out for him in the end and he opens up his eyes!! Keep strong sweetie!! Hugs:p
-Jackie

Oh god, I hate addiction!. Girl, you did great. In a foul situation. Keep your strength up, and don't forget to breathe.

My heart goes out to you and your son. My ex my kids father is an addict and I know what it is like to have to hide the money for bills and try to explain to your kids and family where he is. And then finally one day when you have had enough you walk and the walk that you take is one of the hardest walks you could ever take!! My ex is still an addict and my girls run into him only my oldest holds things against him but she did not for the longest time I was the one to blame for everything. ADDICTION is something that they have to bet for themselfs not because they are being told they have to, or because they are sent to prison. They have to be sick of living that kind of life, until then there is nothing that no one can do the help that person.
You have to take care of you and your son!! HUGS to the both of you.

tina You Know I Love You And Am There For You, Your Sharing Is Helping Alot Of Us Out Here Anyone Whose Dealing With An Addict Is Worried That We Will Have To Go Through The Same As You Did Its Scary But You Gave It Your All And Loved Unconditionally And Maybe Of Saved Someone From That Lifestyle Its All About Healing Within You Call Whenever You Need And Even Whenever You Dont Need To I Will Be There For You And Your Son Stay Strong And Focused I Know Its Been An Emotionally Roller Coaster And Pray Each Day It Brings You Finally To That Day Your Heart And Soul Is Healed Love You Girl!!!! GOD BLESS YOU AND YOUR FAMILY AND I AM PRAYING FOR TATS RECOVERY!!

Tina, thank you so much for sharing your story. I am just so sorry that you are going through this. It helps me to hear others stories about drugs. I threw my life away for drugs. I watched the love of my life throw his right away with mine. Let me know if I can help in any way.
Nika

This is so heartwrenching!
I know all too well what you are going through, and all I can say is that you are SO right when you say that you have to love yourself more.
And it is true that even if you aren't an addict yourself, if you love someone who is, you live that life.
I appreciate how hard this must have been to write this all down.
Maybe some day I will get the courage to do the same-
Stay strong-

I need to say Thank you to you all..
I know that I am a strong person, but sometimes the love for him gets in the way.. I heard from him this weekend and this morning as a matter of fact.. I can only pray that maybe just maybe he is ready to get some help..
Will I be there like I was, I cant tell you that. But I will not let him bring me to his level either. And I will not enable him with money or a place to stay either.
I have to tough love this and I have to love me more.. and you know what
I am learning how to do that...
Sure I got " I love you, I am sorry for what I have done, I am almost done, I will change, how is my son, do you still love me'? All the questions that an addict says when they are comin down,I dont see it lasting past the next shot of
dope.. That may sound cruel but its real..
I pray for him everyday more than once I can tell you that. And its hard to hear his voice .. But I wont allow him to bring me down. Hopefully someday he will find his way back to the person that I knew and loved. For now I am loving me, hurting, healing and being the best mom,friend, and person that I can be..
Thanks for the support I need all that I can get...

Love Tina

Tina, girl you know that I love you and that I am here if you ever need me...I am just a call away girl...

Love you
Jeanne

Hey girl, I am so sorry that you are going through this. I feared that would happen when my husband came home too and it almost did. He slipped up a few times but I had to be strong and luckily I guess he was ready to change. I still worry every day that he is going to mess up but its been 8 months since he's been home and working. I dont know how to say this without it sounding stupid but dont take it personal cuz once they are on drugs they are not themselves. He probably loves you with all his heart but once the drugs are in his system all that is forgotten.

Well its me again.. with yet another update..
I went to see him last night.. I honestly dont know why.. he was on his low and of course he was sorry once again for every bit of pain that he has caused me. He looked worst than the last time I saw him.. I only saw the
the Tat that I know for a few brief seconds..
At times he could be loving and sweet but in a flash he could get mean and angry.. I tried to talk to him but he wants nothing to do with what is going on in the real world..I think that it is true that they get high to keep from having to deal with the real world. I only know that I made a choice last night that I will not let him destory the good memories that I have of the man that he use to be. So I will not go around him again.. he said that he was ready to come home ? And my thoughts were, come home.. you never even stayed there but 12 hours how can you call it home? And I refuse to let him back into my life or our son's life the way that he is now..I know that help for him is way out of the question he wants nothing to do with it. Even thought his family and I have a rehab that will take him now. He will not ask for help and says that he doesnt need it. You know all the things that addicts say.
So for my sake and our sons sake I will not be there for him any longer. If I have to think of him as dead then that is what I have to do.. I know that sounds very mean and harsh..But I have already cut the money ties and now I must cut the ties that I give him by letting him think that I still have his back everytime he needs me in the streets. I cant !!!!
I have come to know and believe that I will always love him but I have to move on and I refuse to be apart of his dark world any longer. I know that people go through this for years and years with the ones they love. I cant !!!
I need to move on,, I am sure that he will die on the streets or end up back in prison.. and its only a matter of time.. prison would be best for all of us that love him.. Yesterday his arm at his elbow was very red and tender and swallen up and I am sure it was from shooting up to much dope.. To see that broke my heart.. he has lost all of his heart meds and has no clue where he lost them or his refill scripts..
I still question how and why this happened as fast as it did, and I may never have my answers but I know that I cant be apart of this any longer..
And if he is blessed to come to his rock bottom and seek the help that he needs..I will be there but only as his friend .. and the mother of his child..
I dont see that happening though.. he seems to enjoy the world he is in for now..
Thanks for your support you all have no clue how much that it means to me and I will ask that you please pray for him and for his soul and for me to have the strenght to make this break.. He told me yesterday, that I was the only thing that was keeping him half grounded in the real world and if he lost me or our son he wouldnt know what he would do.. but you know what?
I cant and wont let that be a hold on me, and I know that is all that it was meant to be. I am sure he meant it honestly and with what love he knows for us. But I wont let that hold me back ...
Take care and Gods blessing to you all....

Tina

Tatsbabynomore.....

Continue keeping your head up and stay strong (for you!!!) It's not easy and I speak from my own experiences....

Peace and blessings...

Good for you, girl! It cuts like a knife to do what you've done, but it was all you could do, all anyone could do. And that little cold spot that has grown, that's just your soul saying nothing good can come of this. As that assurance grows, you will feel stronger yet about your decision. We all end up with those callouses when our loved ones throw their lives away while we stand there begging them not to. Sometimes, I don't know how any of us survive the sorrow.

Hugs

Tatsbaby..

My Heart and soul hurts for you and your baby....While my encounter with an addict is not a significant other but my mother...I know what it is to watch them lose the little they have left. I know the feeling of loving so strong but knowing that you cant do more than what you are doing and they will never change or stop until they are fed up. But I will keep you in my prayers.....& your son...I hope he can wake up from all this and realize what a true woman you are!

Just a quick update..
once again he called me this morning and asked if I would spend saturday night with him, as that was the day we were suppose to have been renewing our vows..and legally getting married ( long story)
I told him no, I had plans to go out with friends and family.
Of course, I got the cussing out and how he couldnt believe that I was choosing them over him, my reply was I cant believe that you choose the streets and drugs over what we had, me and our son and your family..
He didnt have much to say other than if I went not to talk to him anymore
which could be a blessing believe it or not... sounds strange I know but true.
So I guess that I wont talk to him for a while cause I am going..
would I like to spend the night with him, a part yes, a part also is scared cause lord knows I dont know what he has been doing on the streets..
Everyday they say it gets a little better and somedays it seems that way.
But what do u do when you love someone and you know they are sick and they dont even try?
You have to let go and they have to let go of you right???
Smiles and blessing to you all
love Tina
Tatsbabynomore

Just a quick update..
once again he called me this morning and asked if I would spend saturday night with him, as that was the day we were suppose to have been renewing our vows..and legally getting married ( long story)
I told him no, I had plans to go out with friends and family.
Of course, I got the cussing out and how he couldnt believe that I was choosing them over him, my reply was I cant believe that you choose the streets and drugs over what we had, me and our son and your family..
He didnt have much to say other than if I went not to talk to him anymore
which could be a blessing believe it or not... sounds strange I know but true.
So I guess that I wont talk to him for a while cause I am going..
would I like to spend the night with him, a part yes, a part also is scared cause lord knows I dont know what he has been doing on the streets..
Everyday they say it gets a little better and somedays it seems that way.
But what do u do when you love someone and you know they are sick and they dont even try?
You have to let go and they have to let go of you right???
Smiles and blessing to you all
love Tina
Tatsbabynomore

I just read your thread and it broke my heart, I wish there was something I could tell you to make you feel better or tell you that I understand what your going thru but I cant.

Just know that you are in my prayers and thoughts, stay strong and know that we will always be here for support.

Oh Girl Big Hugs This Is Trouble Call If You Need To Talk Im Okay Got My Own Stuff Going On The Good Bad And Yes The Ugly Stay Strong And Gog Bless Trisha

Letting go of someone who is sick like that is one the of hardest things to do. I know cause I had to let go of my very 1st real Love like that. I have 3 kids by him and all ways thought that he would change and be the man that I knew deep down inside he was. But that never happened I was with him for so many years some good and some so bad that I have blocked them out!! It is heartbreaking to let them go cause a part of you thinks that they might get it togethere and be the man that you know he can be.But the other part of you is sick of the pain worry heartache that comes along with loving someone sick!! You have to stand on your own though this. He will keep calling you. I give you alot of credit for not meeting with him..it is heart breaking to let go and move on but deep down inside you know that it is for the best. I still have weak moments for my ex and will give him rides places but there is nothing there anymore nothing but pity!!!I wish that he would grow up and be a father but I know that is not going to happen. My girls are 15 11 and 10 they know that their father is sick!! I try to shield them from him but it does not always work like that. So not only is there the pain that he caused me but the pain that he is causeing my girls!!! I want to kill him for that!! But they will learn. Sorry I just rambled on!!!!

Louisgirl,
Dont worry about ramblin' I do it too.. It is so hard.. I just want to beat the hell out of him and say where is " MY TAT " where is " MY SWEET TAT"
I had 2 yrs of nothing but love from this man, and now all I have is heartache..
I had to stop talking to him, each time I did.. I had hopes that he would return and yet I know he wont.. I feel for you and your girls.. but they have a strong mommy just like my son has one in me.. Its hard though to be strong so much.. at night when my son is in bed.. I take a bath and just sit with the water running over my head and cry and wonder " what the hell went wrong" and why I never seen this coming...
Thank you for your support and everyone elses on here...
Ya'll really do make it eaiser for me.. and trust me its hard...
love to you girl and take care

Tina

Tina just hang in there cause it does get easier and the hurt dies long the way. I know that I had to keep alot of anger in order to let go of him!!Pm me anytime if you need to!!

Amy

wow girl you have just described my life for the last 3 years. I am so glad you have decided not to let him take you down with him. There really is nothing we can do for our friends in those situations. Believe me I've tried everything from denying mine $5.00 to having him kidnapped and forced into treatment. Literally. The only thing I havent tried is to just let him hit the bottom. He knows he can come home at anytime and have a good meal, a shower, and a long nap. And of course as soon as I started realy thinking about finally taking that away and letting him go he got himself back in prison and we're pretty sure it will be a while this time. I wish you and your family much luck, please know you are not alone, and that we are praying for you.

Hi Tat.

I'm so sorry that you're going through this. It's heartbreaking.

You didn't mention what drug he is addicted to, but from what I've gathered it sounds like a meth addiction.

If that's so, I would like to direct you to a support site with a ton of information and support for recoving addicts and for wives, husbands, family members, etc.

If I'm wrong about the drug of choice, forgive me. I was just going on what I could gather.

Take care.

Lena

http://www.crystalrecovery.com/Links/MDF.html

U, and ur strength are definitely in my prayers.................

Tina,

You story has touched my heart. We have somethings in common. Why my G is not an IV drug user, he is an Crack Addict. I too have lost sleep, and cried until I could not shed another tear. What has helped me more than anything was Al-Anon. Al-Anon taught me how to keep the focus on myself and not the Addict. It has taught me how to set good boundaries, and how to take care of my needs. Al-Anon has helped me see that his addiction has affected me. In Al-Anon I have learned to stop blaming the Addict and to understand addiction. You see as family members we see the "drug" as the problem... "If he would not use then everything would be ok" The Addict sees the drug as the solution to the emotional pain he feels. I learned that G did not do those things to me...he did them to himself.

I know the pain you are feeling, and I am so happy you are reaching out to others for support. This forum is a great support system but I found that I need face to face contact with people who understood me and was totally non-judge mental. God Bless and take care of yourself.

Char

Hello to everyone:
I have been away for a while and alot has happened... I got a call from Tat asking me to come and pick him up last friday. I had to really think long and hard about it, but I did. I knew something was wrong just didnt know what. I got him home. He was complaining of chest pains very badly. He slept alot .. which I know he needed. Sunday night the pain got to much for him to handle and I had to make the choice to call 911. They came of course and rushed him to the hosp. once there. They got him stable enough to move him and sent him to a hosp that had a good cardio. department. Yes, he had yet another heart attack. I almost lost him twice before they got him to the second hosp. seems the stents they put in his chest have shut down, due to not taking his meds and yes from being on the streets doing drugs again.. ( pretty stupid, I know) but addicts dont seem to think of it that way. It has been nothing but rough.. I, myself am a wreck. Cant keep any food down, and throw up at the thoughts of food. I have gone to the Drs as well and he put me on meds. for my nerves. I havent been able to get them as of yet, because I have missed all of work this week except today. My pay check will be nothing this week. But I will deal with that.
Having Tat in the hosp has been a strain, not only were we dealing with the heart attack and the balloning of his heart to open the stents back up. But also the DTs when it came to him coming off the street drugs. That I can tell you was not a fun picture. I at one point had to wait till he was sleeping and walk out of the hosp and away from him, because he was in such pain that he was very very mean to me and I couldnt take it any longer. Once he woke up and found me not there, he freaked of course. I know your saying why did I leave him there? Well I had to and I know that you may not agree with that, but its something I choose to do. Of course, he left the hosp without telling anyone and went to the nearest drug dealers house. Where I guessed he hoped to end his life for good. But he didnt work that way. The hosp called me and I gave them the info they needed to go and get him. And the cops did... Once again, God had his hands on Tat . They brought him back to the hosp. where they kept him over night. In the morning he called and begged me to come and get him. Which I did, against everything that everybody thought I shouldnt do. But its like this, its not about Tat or the love that I have for him. Its about a human soul, hurt and beat down and needing someone and someplace to belong. I went and got him Tues morning and he has slept and slept and slept. Which is fine with me. He wakes up long enough for me to give him his meds and to eat and watch a little bit of TV and then he goes back to sleep. I dont mind cause I know that his body is healing and so is his soul. The DT's are gone now. The Drs told him one more shot of drugs and that will be his last? His heart cant take it. He told me last night that he was
So sorry that he had take me, or son, his family,life, and God for Granted. I can only pray that while he is sleeping God is talking to him as well. Please pray for him and ask God to take all thoughts of drugs from his mind. I am holding up and finally learning to take it one day at a time.
I do need some help though, the hosp could not direct me on how to get anyhelp for him when it comes to getting his meds, they gave him a 20 days supply of the meds for his stents after that we have to buy them at 135.00 a mths supply. He has no insurance being that we arent legally married and has only been out of prison for a month.
I do need some kind of advice on what to do? Please...the hops told me of some thing that we may be able to get his meds for him through a company that makes them but the hosp dropped the ball on that as well. To tell you the truth, this is how they looked at him..
OH!!! another drug addict this one has a heart problem and he still is using . I understand that, but .. he still is a human being as well...
will we make it, I dont know. Will he stay clean I can only pray.. one day at a time.. but thats where we are at this point.. any help or suggestions I would love ...
we havent talked about meetings or rehab.. you would just have to know him.. they wont his eatting habits changed and his cig. smoking as well.. I say damn...let worry about the drug habit first..
I cant ask him to stop eveything at one time...
I hope everyone is doing well and understand where I am at .. The fact that he is home is a blessing .. I just pray it lasts...
love and much blessing
Tina
__________________

Tina

It is hard to turn your back on them. My ex (kids dad) has heart problems all so from drug use.. He does not call me anymore when it happens cause I have been there so many times that he does not keep the promises that he makes to the girls and himself!! As for help with the meds try the company that makes them web site. Check it out. All so he might try getting state insurance they might help him. I know that my ex gets state insurance to help him. try it out!!
I really hope for his sake that he changes and decides to live a life worth living!! Hang in there I will keep you and him and your son in my thoughts!!!

Tatts, I am so sorry! My prayers are with you and your addicted man. God Bless you!

:cry: so sorry you're going through all this. it really scares me that after all these years it could happen to me too. bless you.:heart:

Welcome and I am so glad you found us. Oh hun I am so sorry. I am a recovering valium addict. Yes there are days I could kill for one. I have not taken them in 13 years. I tried for a while to trade that for other drugs and gave it up too. I know what he is going through and I know what you are going through for I have been married to 2 addicts myself. I am glad you realize you can not change anyone but yourself now for that is what you have to know before you can heal. You can not change him, only your actions about how you deal with him.
Good luck and know I am only a pm away. You and your little boy are in my prayers and so is your ex.
Peace love light and laughter
Valorie

UP DATE ON OUR STORY

Tat is at home and is doing alright, he has been clean now for 9 days.. may not seem that long to some of you. But that is a very good thing. He is tired and we are running into walls when it comes to getting any kind of medical help for him at all. But I refuse to give up any hope.
We know we have a long road ahead of us, but we will face it and we both know it is not an easy one. But one that we will take one day at a time. That is a hard thing for both of us to do, as we have never had to do that before.
Thank you for all your prayers and support, they mean so much to us. Please keep right on praying for us both. I heard my husband laugh again for the first time the other night when he was playing with our son. My heart melted..
Sometimes you forget how important the small things are , untill they are nearly taken from you..
I guess I better fix my signauture as well..
As I know that I will always be Tatsbaby...
much love and blessings

Tina

Tina you have to do what you need to do.. I wish you and your family the best. We are here for you no matter what..

Tatsbaby couldn't have said it any better. I too have lived that exact senerio. Different names and places but the same exact thing. After those first few hours it's over and to realize that they spent those hours planning to get high! It's so incredibly insane. Just looking at them and realizing they have become someone else, just like that, is so eerie. It is truly sickening. I'm just so glad to hear that he did not continue to come back and look for you to "support" him in his lifestyle. I used to live in constant fear that mine would be waiting for me after work, or holed up in my house when I came home so I could take him to the ATM or breaking in at night to wake me for money... It got very scary, saying no was basically life threatening. I've had him arrested I don't know how many times. Many people have helped me to keep him in on little charges for my safety. Finally the last time was for real, terriorist threat among other charges.
He is now on his second term since I left him. Getting away only because he was incarcerated for 16 months first term. Still had to have a restraining order as part of his parole.
Now here's the amazing part, the reason I'm writing. Even tho, I am not "with" him his love for me was so that he wanted to come to terms with all that happenened between us. Like Tatsbaby says, he wanted to face his ghosts and his dragons. We have spent hours on the phone starting in his first term and also during this term to bring forgiveness and respect back to our "relationship". I never want to be with him again because I will never, ever trust him completely, but being able to express myself, sometimes crying and swearing, and to have him listen quietly for the entire time, answering questions and understanding what he put me through was really amazing to me. Listening to him come to terms with his issues has really been so healing. I guess that it's that the "real" him is realizing that he has to be stronger than the "addicted" him. He is in CSATF in California and it is one of only two prisons here that actually run a program modeled after successful drug programs across the country. He's bought into it and is working the program. That's all I can ask for. Whether it carries over when he gets out is only something I can pray for. While I have moved on, our personalities become fragmented with tramatic incidences and having him do well only helps me in the long run. It's something I once longed for because of "us" but I find that I still long for it because I once loved him.

Just a quick update..
one more day clean and sober... Thank you God!!!!
10 days now...
Last night Tat was able to go out of the house and go with me to our sons
PTA meeting at school, trust me that was a big thing for him and for me and for our son.. We didnt stay too long because he is still in a lot of pain from the heart attack and from just being on the streets and being an addict.. but it was a start.. we also went and saw my daughter and our grandson, which
loves Tat so very much... that was a good thing...
Some days are eaiser than others, somedays are harder than others. I read somewhere on line the other day about detoxing your body and that if you are an addict you almost have to go into confinement much like if in prison. Tat has done just that, he doesnt leave our home, he talks to very few people and he sleeps, thinks, heals and dreams and is getting better. Is the want to get high still there, I ask him, he answered and said yes, but the want to live with my wife and son and be happy is getting much stronger... that made me very happy.. One day at a time .. is how we take it ..

Bluehorsebeach: Thanks for your reply,, I can relate to what you say totally.. I love Tat very much, but if it doesnt work out.. I can say and mean it with all my heart that I loved with out judgement and gave it everything that I could give it.. Like my hubby said " I can only to so much, the big part is up to him" stay in touch and let me know how you are doing... good luck...

much love and blessings to all
Thank you all

Tina and Tat
I will keep posting as long as I need too...

To Tina,
I know what you mean about the human soul. Did he ever look at you and you could see right into that very soul and know that that trapped soul was speaking? Drug addiction is the most eerie, depressing, heart wrenching, soul shredding experience I've ever been through. But giving up on that loved one's soul... it's almost impossible. 10 days sober!!! :clap: It seems like so little to say 10 days but compared to 12 hours... Wow! Tell him I am SOOOOO impressed! :thumbsup: He is a man of men. What he is going thru we wouldn't wish on even our enemies. You Tina, deserve every day he is sober. I treasured all of the sober days and still remember them now. We were very deeply in love. The abuse and fear and shock that the man I most loved would hurt me destroyed trust and love without trust can't exist together, only apart. I put my exs picture into the "overcomers Bible" on my night stand and literally and formally in prayer gave him over to God's care. That was the only way I could "let go". And God has answered my faith in so many ways.

I hate to admit it but I was married to an acholic, went to my ex who was addicted to crack and have gone out with a herion addict. What am I thinking?? Of course it all happens in the course of time. Acholism is progressive and got to the point where I had to leave because my kids really wanted not to live with him any more. My drug addict ex wasn't addicted when we fell in love and neither was the herion addict. Well I should say that the herion addict was in recovery but in denial too and that relationship, if you could call it that was very short lived since I recognized the problem immediately and bailed before my heart became too involved. Both addicts are incarcerated now.

Tina, I still just so amazed at your story. I am so thrilled that he is home as hard as that is on you. Wow, I'll be piling on the prayers onto you two and your son. Sounds like you have Plan A and a Plan B so you have your head on straight. You are also a wonderful strong woman. That's why Tat is doing as well as he is. You get your meds and give your burdens to God to ease your soul. Remember He is in charge anyway right? :) He is obviously working in your lives. A book that helped me... Just Enough Light for the Step I'm On by Stormie O'Martian.

Ok, I've gone on and on but I'm so in support of you Tina!! I wish you 10 more days clean and sober. I'm thinking about programs but nothing is coming up. Maybe later something will come to me.
(((Hugs)))

Glad to hear that he is healing. Hopefully he will take this time and REALLY realize what he needs in his life!
Keep us updated when you can!!!

I am so sorry things turned out the way they did. I'll be praying for you both...

Sorry...I didn't read through this whole thread before I posted...:rolleyes: I'm so glad to hear he is home and things are looking better...:thumbsup:

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

Hello to all!!!
Just a up date as to what is going on in Tats recovery and in our world. Well today is almost 14 days clean.. not a lot but alot to us!
Last night we went and had dinner with my oldest daughter , and Tat and her met for the first time. That was a big blessing to me, because there was so many bad feelings there. But all was put behind us and we had a good time. Tat and I and our son even went to walmart for a little while. Tat is taking very small steps right now. And we do them as he thinks he can. I am so proud of him for the things that he has been able to do. He is beginning to talk to me about things and I try very hard to listen and to understand. For me that is good, cause I tend to be very hot headed at times.
Today, a friend he grew up with is coming to take him out for a while. I am ok with that, because she is really the only true friend that he has from the streets. And she has been clean and sober for a year now. She is also a leader in NA/AA so that is a very good thing..
She has been very supportive for both Tat and myself.
We are still taking it, One day at a time.. but thats ok. I am glad for those one days and pray for many more...
Hope all is well with everyone and their loved ones. I will keep you posted. Thanks for the support and prayers.
OH I forgot to tell you all... Tat and I have a date tonight!!!
We are going out to eat and then to go bowling...
I cant wait............

much love Tina and Tat

Awesome news!
Love it! Love it! Love it!
How did the date go? :)

Tina i'm glad that things are going well..

15 days clean and sober!!!
Just wanted to update everyone...
We had a good weekend..
we went out for a while on friday night and that was alot of fun.
we didnt do alot but we laughed and had dinner.
Sunday we went to visit with his father, whom is 91 and slowly dying, that was very very emotionly for both Tat and I. I was very worried about Tat seeing his father, as bad things seem to trigger his use of drugs, but he was ok. He cried and that was something I have never seen that big old G do before. His father told him that he was proud of him and that he knew that he could do it.. And that he was prould of him cause he knew that this time he had a good woman by his side, and that good women are very hard to come by, and that he was blessed with a good woman when he had Tats mom and now he was thankful that Tat had a good woman. And that he best treat me and his grandson right. That touched my heart more than anything. It ended with Tat leaving his fathers room , and I know that it upset him. But I also think that he needed to have that time with his father. As hard and mean as it sounds, I think he needed to reflect on what he has missed all these years with his father and family. Because he chose to live the life that he lived.. Does that make sense?
Today he had alot of things to do when it came to his health and getting what he needs done. I cant take off of work everytime he needs something. SO I let him keep my van and guess what he did really well with it. I talked to him every hour on the hour and cked and make sure he was ok, if I wasnt calling him he was calling me.
He was ok..
I have to tell you though I was scared to death.. He understands that though. Before he left this morning he kissed me and told me that he wouldnt let me down.. part of me wanted to believe and the other half couldnt.. Thats mean I know but its not Tat its his addiction. But he did good. Like he said, sooner or later I have got to learn to trust him again.. like everything we are taking it one day at a time...
For today and this past Saturday and Sunday it has been a good one...
much blessings and love

Tina and Tat

tina that is great that he is showing that he wants to change. Just remember that he did not just wake up and was an addict so it takes time.. Good For the both of you!!!

Tina....I just read up on your posts...and I am sorry about all the drama that you have been threw in the last month!!! I know that it must be SO hard...but it looks like things are FINALLY looking up!!! 15 days might not seem like alot to some...but it's ALOT of days when your trying to stay clean!!! B/C once the withdrawls are away...it still messes with your mind ALOT!!!! I think that Tat is doing real good...and I hope he has the strength to continue!! I'm hoping he has hit his bottom...and he is done!!! I will keep both of you in my thoughts...I know the struggle and it's hard, but you guys can make it!!!! As long as Tat WANTS to stay clean...he can make it!!! Keep your heads held high...and continue to take it ONE DAY AT A TIME!!!!!!! Even one hour, one minute, one second...whatever it takes!!!!! Hugs:p
-Jackie

:slap: :slap: :slap: :slap: :slap: :slap: :slap: :slap: :slap: :slap: :slap: :slap: :slap: :slap: :slap: :slap:

As I write this my heart and body are healing and so is my mind.
I know that you all have been through this whole thing with me as with Tat. So here is the update.. and the end of the story as far as Tat and I go.
Tues I recieved a call saying that his father had past away. I knew this was going to happen as did Tat.. I also knew that it would give him a reason to want to use again..
He cant deal with real life at all.
So guess what he did. Tuesday night the night of his fathers death he used.. I cried all night and once again locked myself into my sons room and prayed and prayed. Weds morning he got up and actted if nothing was wrong. We went to his Drs appointment for mental health. I could hear him screaming at the nurse. Seems he wanted to tell them what kind of meds to put him on. We left there and he demanded $20.00, for more drugs. When I told him, I didnt have it. Well thats when all hell broke loose. We went home, he wouldnt let me leave the house. I thought and thought, and I told him, " why dont you let me go and get the money from my mom? I know your hurting and I will go and borrow it from her." All the while praying he would fall for it, so I could leave.
He agreed, and I was walking out the back door, when he came running up to me and kicked me in my leg and hips, and ankle to get me to close the door. Which of course I did. He backed me in the corner and told me, I wasnt going a damn place and to give him the keys. I refused.. He then hit me in my chest and back and when I still refused to give him the keys. He took my hand and bit my hand so that I would let go of the keys. I tried to fight him back, I got in a couple of good blows. But it was like he was 5 times stronger than he really is. My hand hurt so bad, I finally dropped the keys, he took me by the shoulder and made me go into the living room and empty my purse to show him I didnt have the money. Then he lit a joint and told me that if I didnt smoke it with him, he would kill me. I ask him why did I have to smoke it ? And his reply was, If I go to jail your going right along with me, cause I will tell them that you smoke too and then you know what will happen to (our son) everytime I refused to take a hit. He would hit me in my chest.. Or take the knife he had in his hand to my throat..
I swear to you all, I saw myself dead... I never have prayed so hard in all my life.. finally after what seems like forever.. He threw the keys at me and told me to leave and dont come back, he was taking over (my house) .. I didnt say a word, I picked up the keys and headed as fast as I could out the back door.. When I reached my Van thank God it was open, I honestly think God opened it, cause I keep it locked at all times. I got in and locked the doors and he came screaming out the back door for me to open the door or roll down the windows.. I put the van into reverse and shot him a bird and told him to go get $#%! and I floored the van and went strainght to the police.. This I pressed charges against him, the whole time he is calling me on the cell phone, one minute screaming at me telling me he will kill me, burn my house down around me, etc etc etc...
The next, he loves me, hes sorry, I know that he is hurting and that he would never hurt me or our son...
I didnt care, he has never hit me before and I be damned if he ever will hit me again. For that fact, he will never see me or my son again...
I am slapping myself in the forehead to think that I could have been so damn stupid as to have thought that he could have changed...
I have a order of protection against him and a warrant for his arrest.
I dont know if he even made it to his fathers funeral.. I know I wasnt able to go.. Its funny how on Sunday when we visited with his father
his dear father , kissed me on my cheek and told me Thank you for loving my son, the way his mother loved me. And then he told Tat that he was proud of him for changing his life around and that he did good when he found me and he loved him and that now he could go to heaven to be with his beloved wife, Tats mother..
I dont know where or what will become of him, as of right now I am in hiding because I fear for my life as well as my sons.. They are tryng to get me funding for relocation.. Although, I am not sure I am going to move.. I refuse to give anymore of my life to him.. and my home is part of my life.. if the funding comes through,, I will move.. IF not then I will fight.. IF I know Tat he wont bother me again, he wants no part of jail or prison.. The truth is the last heart attack he had the Drs told him if he used again he was dead.. Perhaps that will happen and the sad fact is...
I cant even cry if it does... I will be relieved.................
Maybe you dont understand that, but its true...
My words to anyone dealing with an addict..
please be careful and know this.........
Loving someone is never enough..............

many blessing to each of you and your loved ones
Now I can truly say...
I am


Tatsbabynomore..
I thank God for showing me I am better than what I was living for...

I am sorry about this, unfortunately this is just all too common.
Please do what it is that you have to do to protect yourself and
your son if you don't it's just going to get worse and worse.
Call battered women in your area and get into a shelter as soon as you can. I am not kidding about this. If you do nothing I fear for your safety.

Good luck sweetie

Thanks Sunny,
I am not staying at my home, I have applied for funding for a relocation move. I dont stay at my home at all. I go there just to get things and then I leave and I never go there alone..
I understand what you are saying.. I too fear for my life and my sons life..
how I hate the word DRUGS....

I am glad that you are looking into relocation program but it's very hard to get into the quickest way to acheive this would be to get into a shelter. I know not club med but they have alot of resources. The ones assisted first are those in residence. They have nice ones as well.
Call the domestic violence hotline.
http://www.aardvarc.org/dv/states/fldv.shtml

My concern is that he is going to try to im sorry you back into staying with him. It's easy to think that drugs are the only reason and they might enhance it, and
once he gets off them, like he did last time he will be ok until it happens again.

Be safe!!

tina Stay Strong And Take Care Of My Lil Man You Werent Stupid At All For Giving It A Try You Would Of Never Known It You Never Tried But Now You Know That He Just Doesnt Want Help You Cant Help Someone Who Doesnt Want The Help Now Focus On You AND The Lil Man And Move Forward I HatE That You Have To Live In Fear Not Knowing What He Might Or Might Not Do , Like Sunnie Said Dont Take Any Chances ,,Its A Crazy World We Live In,,,, Love You Girl Talk With You Soon

I cant even cry if it does... I will be relieved.................

I totally undersatnd what you mean by this!!!

I'm so sorry that he did this to you and your son. Hang in there and allways remember that day like it just happened when it comes to him cause they are tricky (addicts) and can turn things around like it was your doing not his!!!!!Sometimes this it all it takes for you to see what life would be like!! Good luck!!!

Stay strong. You did the RIGHT thing. Keep praying for guidance.

I am sorry that you have had to go through that. I too can relate to what you said. I have been in that position myself and I am also a recovering addict myself. I will tell you this, when any person is abusing drugs or even alcohol they are a total different person than what they were before they started abusing the drugs or alcohol. I am recovering from my addiction but unfortunatelymy man may be clean today just because he is in prison but once he gets out I know that he will go back to using. There is a difference of being a recovering addict and a person who just isnt getting high right now due to his circumstances (being locked up) You know what I mean. I wish you and your son the best of luck and remember that what doesnt destroy us will only make us stronger. Maybe Tat will eventually see the light. NA is a great place. That is what got me to see the light. Maybe he will find it too.

I KNOW what it is to love an addict. I know what it is to live that life you described and to want, with your very breath, for things to just be normal and for the person you love to not be over-taken by the emotionless addict-persona.
Your story made me cry and it made me afraid. I have been down this road before and am so scared it will happen again when he gets out. I don't want my children to go through that again. I don't want to feel that feeling you get when they drive away in the car and you wonder if they are really going to the store or if your bank account will be empty and you are in store for another round of maddness.
I don't want to to it again. And I don't want to give up either. Loving an addict sucks. sigh.......
Thank you for sharing your story. May God Bless you and your son with his peace, his Grace, and his strength.

((((hugs)))) and stay strong.... You CAN do this for you and your son.... I noticed that a member brought up Al-Anon in her post but didn't see you mention going... Al-Anon can really help you to stay strong and to move on.... It can be a lifeline for you right now if you let it....

Deb

I just wanted to let you know that my heart goes out to you and to anybody else that has ever lived through a similiar situation such as what you did Tina. I am also one of those people.You see though I chose to stay with my man even though he abused me on a regular basis. I only wish that I could have been as strong as you are to have left him the very first time that he laid his hands on me. I love my man and I realize that it is probably a sick kind of love because I realize that it truly isn't a healthy relationship that we have together. My man Brian, is always locked up and always has been in and out of prison since we have been together. He has actually been in prison more than what he has been out and that is probably the only reason why I am still there for him. That is sad to say but I know that I am safe from his wrath when he is locked up. Which this time will be for 12 years. You see in the beginning it was really great between us. But these last few years he has become somebody I dont really know and don't care to know at that. He is like a Jekyll and Hyde type of person. You know what I mean. He has done some terrible things to me these last few years when he has gotten out of prison. There has been times that I would be soaking in the bath tub and trying to get a little peace of mind and all of a sudden he would be standing there next to me at the side of the bath tub with a gun to my head. Telling me things like get dressed because he is taking me to dig my grave. I am a stubborn person myself and probably pretty stupid because in my heart I didnt feel that he would shoot me so I in return told him to go f*%% off. If he wanted to shoot me then go ahead and do it but he would have to dig my grave himself. Luckily I was right that time and I am still here to tell about it. He has beat me repeatedly and I still stayed with him Mostly it was out of fear to leave. I felt that I had a greater chance at surviving if we were still together, because if I left him and he found me out on the streets then he would have so much anger towards me that I feel that he would really kill me for sure. That there would be nothing that I could do or say to get him to come back to reality and realize what he was doing to the woman he supposedly loved was not right. So for that reason I stayed. Also because one time I tried to leave him and I called somebody to help get me out of there and away from him and he found out about it before they got there to save me from him and he beat both her and I really badly. Neither of us called the cops as we are terribly petrified of him when he is abusing drugs. But then I finally had enough of the beatings, him hitting me with his fists and also with a belt across my naked body. So I got my son and ran out the door and borrowed a strangers cell phone and called 911. All hell broke loose after that. You see this man is a very dangerous person, the swat team came out, snypers and the hostage negotiating team. They evacuated our whole apartment complex and there was a 5 and a half hour standoff between him and the police. Finally they got him and they arrested him. They didnt charge him with the abuse against me though. They only got him for a parole violation and made him expire his sentence so he only did 8 more months and then he got out. But he had Federal charges pending against him due to them finding his gun inside of our apartment. And he is a felon in posession of a firearm. Anyways, right when he got out he came after me and my family, not just my children and I but my mother and father and my brother and his children as well. So I ended up going back to him in fear for my family. Even though I could go into hiding I couldnt expect my family members to go into hiding as well. So to protect them I put my own life in danger. I send my children to live with their father in California though. I wouldnt jeapordize their life anymore. That was one of the hardest decisions I had ever made in my life. But it was only fair to the children. As they have no choice in lfe when it comes to who their step parents are. So I had to make the right decision for my children and to make sure that they would remain to be safe from him even though I felt trapped into going back to him to protect the rest of my family members. Well he managed to elude the feds for 6 months from when he was released from expiring his state time. During those 6 months he put me through sheer hell and terror. The beatings became more frequently. He forced me to do things that were extremely illegal, because he to thought if he was going down then he wanted me to go down with him. THat way I wouldnt be out here for me to get any other man or have my freedom since he knew that this time around he was going to do another lengthy sentence. About 2 months before we got raided by the feds I couldnt take it anymore and I didnt want to die by his hands. I didnt want to give him the satisfaction of killing me himself so I decided to take my own life. I slit my wrists twice, lengthwise about 3 inches long down my arm. I went deep too. GOt my veins and all. I wasnt joking around. I had always heard that if you slit your wrists lengthwise and got your veins that you were sure to die. Boy were they wrong. My brother found me this way and called 911. I end up in the hospital. They stitched me up and managed to save my life. So thats what they thought they were doing. I on the other hand was very angry about this because now I was still going to live my life in terror with this man. Anyhow he was really great and kind and loving to me after I had done that. But that only lasted about 3 and a half weeks. Then one morning I woke up to him bashing my head in with his fists. Then next thing you know he pulled out his knife that was laying next to him by the bed and he went to stab me in my head. Luckily I reached out to grab the knife from him and I accidentally grabbed the blade and it was so sharp that the blade went right through my hand. It went through my vein also. There was blood all over the wall and I went into shock. I started to freak out and he is trying to stop the bleeding and he even threatened to do it again if I didnt stop my screaming. So I did what he said. He managed to wrap up my hand and then he took me to the hospital where they stitched me up. He actually dropped me off and so I was by myself. I should have had them call the police at that time but he called me on my cell phone and wouldnt you know it but he was threatening my family again. So I blamed the whole knife thing as an accident that I had done to myself. I got fixed up there and left the hospital and he picked me up and took me home. He was really sweet to me once again. But I never felt safe the entire time and was deathly afraid to fall asleep at night. But I felt that I had no other choice than to stay with him and just hope that one day soon we would get raided and he would go back to prison and only then would I be safe from him. I just couldnt be the one who called the police and had him arrested because when I had done that the time before he had labelled me as a Rat to everybody we knew and to even people that didnt know me and he stated that there was paperwork on me and all kinds of stuff that I just couldnt handle going through all of that again. Because I come from the streets myself and I know the laws of the street and I wasnt a Rat. Not then and never have been. I only called the police because I was in fear of my life and I obviously had every right to be. But still that is what he tried to label me as being out there on the streets and that bothered me more than living every day in fear of this man and knowing that there was a big chance that he was going to eventually kill me. So anyways, when we finally got raided by the US Marshalls about 5 weeks after he stabbed me I was so relieved. It was a strange feeling because he managed to succeed in one thing, I too went to jail for my criminal activity that he forced me to participate in, but I didnt care. I actually asked the US Marshalls "What took you so long to find us?" Talk about strange. The good news is that I am now out. I did 4 and a half months in county jail and I am finishing up my other half of my 9 month sentence on the outside on House Arrest. I only have 10 more days to go before I get off. I am not on paper neither. SO no probation for me. I will soon be free. Free of him and his danger to me and my family for the next 12 years. And in the Federal Prison system he has to do 85 percent of his time so it will be quite some time before he gets out and can harm me or my family. I have to be honest with you all. I still have contact with him as I made a vow to never leave him lonely while he is behind those prison walls. SO I do put money on his books, and made sure that he got his tv and all that crap. But I dont go and visit him and I dont write to him. As far as I know he doesnt know where I am living. He can't call me because he doesnt have a number to call me neither. But he does try to contact me through other people that we both knew. I just ignore the messages that they give me. I am doing pretty good right now. I still dont have my children with me yet because I want to relocate and move to a whole new state becasue he is pretty much hooked up and linked up to some pretty dangerous people out here where I live so I feel that my life can still be in danger until I go someplace that I am completely unknown and unexpected for me to live. Then and only then will I bring my children back to live with me. And then and only then will I ever cut him off completely.
I wish you the best of luck and stay strong. I hope that he leaves you alone and that you dont have to stay with him out of fear for your familys life like I had to do. God Bless you and all the other women who have to go through this kind of situation.

prisoner WOW GOD BLESS YOU STAY STRONG AND RUN FORWARD NOONE DESERVES TO GO THROUGH WHAT YOU DID YOUR BETTER THAN ME I WOULD NOT OF SENT HIM JACK SQUAT WHILE HE WAS IN PRISON AFTER WHAT HE DID TO YOU YOUR VERY LUCKY TO BE ALIVE THE FIRST TIME A MAN PUTS HIS HANDS ON ANY WOMAN SHOULD BE THE LAST I WISH YOU ALL THE BEST IN GETTING YOUR LIFE BACK ONCE YOU GET FREE FROM A MAN LIKE THAT YOU SHOULD NEVER HAVE ANY TYPE OF CONTACT WITH HIM WHAT SO EVER CAUSE IN THIER SICK TWISTED MINDS THEY TURN IT AROUND TO THINK YOU STILL CARE GOD BLESS YOU NO MAN IS WORTH LOOSING THE MOST PRECIOUS GIFT GOD GAVE US (LIFE) FOR

To Prisoner
You know statistics show that you are more likely to be killed by your abuser when you leave him rather than when you stay. That doesn't mean you should stay either of course because eventually they get so abusive that the abuse may take your life. So you know how careful you have to be. I understand why you are "feeding" him things that he wants right now. It keeps him somewhat passivied until you can get your plan together. But make your plan girl and GO! Best of luck.

Thank you soo much for posting that!. I hope you don't mind if i print it out and send it to my hubby?. What you wrote about really touched me, thank you so much!.
I hope it makes my hubby realize how much his actions can hurt.

prisoner WOW GOD BLESS YOU STAY STRONG AND RUN FORWARD NOONE DESERVES TO GO THROUGH WHAT YOU DID YOUR BETTER THAN ME I WOULD NOT OF SENT HIM JACK SQUAT WHILE HE WAS IN PRISON AFTER WHAT HE DID TO YOU YOUR VERY LUCKY TO BE ALIVE THE FIRST TIME A MAN PUTS HIS HANDS ON ANY WOMAN SHOULD BE THE LAST I WISH YOU ALL THE BEST IN GETTING YOUR LIFE BACK ONCE YOU GET FREE FROM A MAN LIKE THAT YOU SHOULD NEVER HAVE ANY TYPE OF CONTACT WITH HIM WHAT SO EVER CAUSE IN THIER SICK TWISTED MINDS THEY TURN IT AROUND TO THINK YOU STILL CARE GOD BLESS YOU NO MAN IS WORTH LOOSING THE MOST PRECIOUS GIFT GOD GAVE US (LIFE) FOR

rmd4ever,
You are absolutely right. No woman should have to go through what I have gone through with this man. I sincerely regret the day I ever met this man. If I had it all to do over again I definitely would do it differently. The reason I told my story is hopefully to help out somebody else who might be in my situation. Or might fear that they are on the road to a situation such as what I have been through. You see I agree that no man or person is worth losing our life over. And I know that I shouldnt do anything for this animal. But really he is an evil person who is capable of alot of dangerous things if I dont play his good side as much as I possibly can until I am able to relocate completely. Even though he is in prison and is going to be in there for the next 12 years doesnt mean that he is completely harmless. You see this man has done a total of 24 years of his life in prison and he is only 43 years old. He is affiliated with the Mexican Mafia inside of those prison walls. So if he really wants to he can have somebody else reach out and touch me, if you know what I mean. When he was 17 years old he got busted for committing a double homicide and he did 17 years straight in prison. He didnt get out for the first time until he was 34 years old. Then he was only out for 3 months when he got busted for throwing somebody out a two story window and beating another person with a bat and paralyzed this person from the neck down. So he isn't scared to kill or permanently injure another human being. His father and other family members are affilliated too. And those family members live just a few miles from where I do even though they dont know that I am living so close to them. So I totally need to relocate and relocate to a state where I dont have ties to anyone because they would never think to look for me in a state that I dont have freinds or family members in. You know what I mean. SO until then I got to keep on doing what I am doing and support his evil ass until I can get someplace else. So that is what I am doing in order to survive. I still love him but to be honest with you I hate him more than I love him.I will break away from him completely very soon. And I just hope that he doesnt come and look for me when he gets out in twelve years or that he doesnt have anybody else try to find me while he is locked up. I dont want to have to live a life of looking over my shoulder for the rest of my life. Anyways, I want to thankyou for your words of encouragement and support.

To Prisoner
You know statistics show that you are more likely to be killed by your abuser when you leave him rather than when you stay. That doesn't mean you should stay either of course because eventually they get so abusive that the abuse may take your life. So you know how careful you have to be. I understand why you are "feeding" him things that he wants right now. It keeps him somewhat passivied until you can get your plan together. But make your plan girl and GO! Best of luck.

Thank you for giving me the statistics. I truly believe them to be absolutely true. I know that it doesnt mean that I should stay with him or any other man that choses to lay there hands on me. Because no person deserves to bein a relationship like that. I am just doing what I feel neccessary to do in order to survive right now. But thats it. As soon as I can I am gone. Thank you for your words of encouragement and for understanding and not judging.

Thank you soo much for posting that!. I hope you don't mind if i print it out and send it to my hubby?. What you wrote about really touched me, thank you so much!.
I hope it makes my hubby realize how much his actions can hurt.

I dont mind if you print it out and send it to your husband. I hope that maybe it can open up his eyes a little bit. If that is the case then I will feel alot better because that means something good came out of the hell I lived and still live through. Good luck to you and your hubby!

It's a good thing to have a plan and not to go into this without one. I admire the fact that you are setting up things on a permanent basis so that when you do make your move, it will stick. It took a lot of courage to share your story, thank you for doing so.

There are pleanty of shelters in state and out of state that you can look into going to.
http://www.ndvh.org/help/index.html


The first step would be to call and speak with someone about getting a safety plan together and come up with a game plan. There are ways to go into hiding where you will never be found regardless of his affiliations and ties. The other first step is being willing to let go of the "past" life and decide you are worth so much more then what you are getting. Its not easy and it takes a lot of work and decisions but like you said, one of these days you will die behind this.

Your story touched me so much. I think you will find that there are a lot of us who have been down similar roads and remember you are NOT alone and never ever have to be again.

http://www.sccbw.org/

Prisoner: WOW !!
I thought I had it bad, I guess it is true what they say. "look around there is someone who always has it worst off than you do" My heart and prayers go out to you and your children and your family. I do understand, why you do they things you do. Looking back, I think that I did things just so he wouldnt get pissed off at me, although it seems that I could never do anything right..
I am getting better day by day.. And I refuse to let him take over my life. I know my story is NOTHING compared to your and some others on here. But I refuse to give him my life.. I am taking it back!!! Carefully...
I dont judge you for what you are doing at all. BUT PLEASE MAKE YOUR BREAK AND DO IT BEFORE IT IS TO LATE.. YOU CAN GET AWAY IF YOU TRULY WANT TOO... 12 years may seem like a long time, but its not .. SO PLEASE DO WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO FOR YOU..
I dont feel like that my X will be like yours, hes to busy doing his street thing and getting high.. He will tell you that he loves to get high and that he loves the streets.. Not that I dont believe that he could do me harm, I just know that he likes doing that more, I take nothing for granted.. please keep me posted as to how you are doing.. and I will be praying for you. Thank you for sharing, it makes me more aware of how crazy the drug world is and makes me know that I dont want to be around it anymore ever.....
Do what you have to do, but dont forget about you in the mean time..
As for me, I had a good weekend, I went and cleaned my home during the day. And I am preparing to go home soon.. My son is doing well and when he asks about his Daddy , I just say he is sick and that I dont know if he will get better, my little boy wasnt home when all this was going on, Thank God!!!
But he has heard is Daddy scream at me, and his Daddy was mean to him at times by raising his voice, so for now he is ok with his Daddy not being at home. And I will find the time to let him know that the Daddy he once knew is no longer.. I pray that I havent done him ( my son damage) by allowing this addict into our lives once again...
I know that I will be ok, I just feel that God has his hands on me and my son and my family and our home... Dont ask me how, I just believe that with everything in me, I believe that...
Thanks for the support to everyone and to everyone else who is living in danger and harm... love you more than you love your abuser....

love Tina

prisoner Again God Bless You Girl I Want You To Know I Am So Sorry For You Or Anyone That Has To Live This Way I Pray For Your Happiness And For Your Road To Have A Peace Of Mind Once And For All I Hate That You Have To Live In Fear And Always Looking Over Your Shoulder And Not Being Nor Feeling Safe In Your Own Home ((((((((hugs)))))))) To You And Your Children You Deserve A Life Of Peace And Happiness

Tina I Pray Every Day For You And Hope All Is Well Im Okay Just Not Used To Sharing Lol Ill Keep You In My Prays Always Stay Strong As You Know God Will Bless You Trisha

It's a good thing to have a plan and not to go into this without one. I admire the fact that you are setting up things on a permanent basis so that when you do make your move, it will stick. It took a lot of courage to share your story, thank you for doing so.

There are pleanty of shelters in state and out of state that you can look into going to.
http://www.ndvh.org/help/index.html


The first step would be to call and speak with someone about getting a safety plan together and come up with a game plan. There are ways to go into hiding where you will never be found regardless of his affiliations and ties. The other first step is being willing to let go of the "past" life and decide you are worth so much more then what you are getting. Its not easy and it takes a lot of work and decisions but like you said, one of these days you will die behind this.

Your story touched me so much. I think you will find that there are a lot of us who have been down similar roads and remember you are NOT alone and never ever have to be again.

http://www.sccbw.org/

Sunnie,
Thanks again for your words of encouragement. You know I dont feel like I am a victim of his because I chose to be with him no matter what he did to me. Mostly out of fear but some of it was still out of love. I still have love for him, for the person he used to be before the drugs. I can and have made excuses for him and his behaviours most of our relationship. You see I felt bad for him because he is so institutionalized, that he doesnt know any better. He just knows how to survive in the prison system not out here on the streets. He had a brain anneurism the time before last while he was in prison. He was lifting to heavy of weights. Like 360 lbs or something and a blood vessel popped in his brain and he almost died. He had to learn how to eat and talk all over again. So I felt guilty and sad for him for that too. And tried to be in denial that perhaps that is why he did the things that he did to me. I fooled myself into thinking that perhaps because of the brain anneurism and the drugs mixed together along with whatever hell he had wwent through in the prison system for those two decades that is what made him do me the way he did me. But I can no longer make excuses for him. It is what it is. Right? I have no more compassion for him. He is a sick man and I dont see him ever getting better. I can not fix him like I thought that I once could. I am probably not making any sense here. Its just that I have so many different mixed emotions when it comes to him and that whole period of my life. So sometimes I ramble on and dont really realize if I am making any sense so please forgive me.
Anyways, Thanks for giving me the link to the shelters and stuff. And thank youfor your words of encouragement and support. I really appreciate it.
Kim

Prisoner: WOW !!
I thought I had it bad, I guess it is true what they say. "look around there is someone who always has it worst off than you do" My heart and prayers go out to you and your children and your family. I do understand, why you do they things you do. Looking back, I think that I did things just so he wouldnt get pissed off at me, although it seems that I could never do anything right..
I am getting better day by day.. And I refuse to let him take over my life. I know my story is NOTHING compared to your and some others on here. But I refuse to give him my life.. I am taking it back!!! Carefully...
I dont judge you for what you are doing at all. BUT PLEASE MAKE YOUR BREAK AND DO IT BEFORE IT IS TO LATE.. YOU CAN GET AWAY IF YOU TRULY WANT TOO... 12 years may seem like a long time, but its not .. SO PLEASE DO WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO FOR YOU..
I dont feel like that my X will be like yours, hes to busy doing his street thing and getting high.. He will tell you that he loves to get high and that he loves the streets.. Not that I dont believe that he could do me harm, I just know that he likes doing that more, I take nothing for granted.. please keep me posted as to how you are doing.. and I will be praying for you. Thank you for sharing, it makes me more aware of how crazy the drug world is and makes me know that I dont want to be around it anymore ever.....
Do what you have to do, but dont forget about you in the mean time..
As for me, I had a good weekend, I went and cleaned my home during the day. And I am preparing to go home soon.. My son is doing well and when he asks about his Daddy , I just say he is sick and that I dont know if he will get better, my little boy wasnt home when all this was going on, Thank God!!!
But he has heard is Daddy scream at me, and his Daddy was mean to him at times by raising his voice, so for now he is ok with his Daddy not being at home. And I will find the time to let him know that the Daddy he once knew is no longer.. I pray that I havent done him ( my son damage) by allowing this addict into our lives once again...
I know that I will be ok, I just feel that God has his hands on me and my son and my family and our home... Dont ask me how, I just believe that with everything in me, I believe that...
Thanks for the support to everyone and to everyone else who is living in danger and harm... love you more than you love your abuser....

love Tina

Tina,
Thank you for your words of encouragement and understanding my position. Yes it is true no matter how bad you think that you have it there is always somebody out there who has it worse off than you. That is a scary thought and reality, huh? I hope that things will work out for you and for your son. It is so hard when there is kids that are involved. You see before I sent my kids to go live with their father my kids were around him and his craziness too. And I hope that they arent permanently affected by what they saw and went through. I didnt know about what he was doing to them unti after him and I both got busted this time around. I mean I know that they heard all the yelling and screaming that he did at me and me crying all the time and telling him to stop hitting me but he never once hit the boys. But in my eyes he did alot worse to them then to hit them. I knew nothing fo this until about 5 months ago. They actually never told me themselves instead they told my mother. When Brian would take the boys out to shoot their BB Gun out in the desert he apparently made his own little bullseye target thingie for the boys to practice on. And on that target that he had made he had pasted a photo of me on it. He would tell them to shoot their mommy. When they would refuse he would scream at them and demand that they shoot their mommy in the head and kill the B---h! They would cry and refuse to do it and he would scream obscenities at them for not obeying his orders. That in itself caused me the most pain of all. They were definitely terrified of this monster. But I was to blind to see that. I was so afraid of him and in fear for our lifes I thought that they were safe around him because he never touched them but he mentally abused my children. And that is the worse type of abuse there is. Because when it comes to physical abuse the wounds heal and the scars fade away but when it comes to mental abuse that never completely heals no matter what. The memory is always going to be there. Right now they live in California and they live close to where he is at in the federal prison system and they are so scared to even live close by the prison for which he is in. So they have nightmares and have a hard time sleeping. It is a sad thing and it really breakss my heart. I just can pray for them and do whatever I can do to help them heal and recover. It is going to take time I know that and I have to have patience but boy I will always feel guilty for putting them in that situation even if I didnt know that it was going on. You know what I mean?
Thank you for feeling my pain and I truly hope that you are right about your husband not causing you anymore problems. i will be praying for you and please be careful. You just never know what a person is capable of when they are abusing drugs and especially when they are hard up for their next high.
Love,
Kim

prisoner Again God Bless You Girl I Want You To Know I Am So Sorry For You Or Anyone That Has To Live This Way I Pray For Your Happiness And For Your Road To Have A Peace Of Mind Once And For All I Hate That You Have To Live In Fear And Always Looking Over Your Shoulder And Not Being Nor Feeling Safe In Your Own Home ((((((((hugs)))))))) To You And Your Children You Deserve A Life Of Peace And Happiness

RMD4EVER
Thank you for your compassion! I am on my way to recovering from what I went through. It is going to be a long hard road but I am a strong woman and I know that I will survive and be okay. It will just take time. I know that we all deserve a peaceful life with lots of love and happiness. I am just learning to start to love myself again. I know that I am a good person on the inside and that I have alot to offer to a person and to the world I live in. And I aint bad looking neither and I am very smart educationally wise at least. I just havent made the right decision when it comes to choosing the man in my life. I am staying single for now. I am not ready for another man in my life as I really dont trust them right now. And even more than that I dont trust my own self when it comes to choosing a man for myself. Because boy was I fooled when it came to this monster. But a fool I am no more. I've got my eyes wide open and my ears on. I dont like to pass judgement on others but I definitely need to learn how to pick a much better and non violent type of man if I am to have a man in my life again. If not for myself but for my childrens sake. God Bless You and Your family.
love
Kim

Wow....my heart goes out to you....the past few weeks have been such a roller coaster. You definetly have a lot of love for this man...someday he will see that. Not to be defending him at all...but...losing one of your parents is very hard. My Mom passed away almost 2 years ago now. The pain is still very strong. I'm not surprised that Tat used the night his Father died...but it doesn't make it any easier. You've just got to take care of you and your son. You can't help someone who doesn't want to help himself...just know you did more than anyone can imagine for this man. Now it's time to help yourself...you sound like such a strong woman. I admire your strength. Hang in there girl...and pm me anytime...;)

Hello to all:
Just wanted to let you all know that I am doing ok as is my son.
I havent heard from Tat and I really dont expect too. Which is a blessing, its hard for me to blieve that I loved him that much and now I feel nothing. It amazes me how in just a short month and a half that drugs and himself can destory something that was once so wonderful.. I feel like the last 2 yrs of my life have been a lie..
But once again, I will not beat myself up over this.. ( I think he did that for me)
I plan on going home tonight and staying in MY HOME. My son and myself have been displaced long enough. I refuse to give into Tat another day.
I didnt get any calls at work yesterday and I honestly dont think I will today either or anyother day for that matter. Maybe some of you think I am being to laid back on this but I know, what I know and I think that everything will be
ok.. I have prayed and prayed and placed angels all around my home, my son, my self, my loved ones, and my world.. I truly believe God will see me through this..
During all this and the chances that Tat was given, the first heart attack, the second one, leaving on the streets, using, you name it, I thought that God was trying to give him a wake up call and then last night it came to me..
As if some voice in my head was telling me....
Tina its your wake up call... take your life back.. I give you life...
Please hear my call.. and you know what I did...
I believe that God was giving me the wake up call and not Tat...
Tat is where he wants to be and that is sad, but I cant cry anymore and I cant hurt anymore.. I dont have time...
I have a life to live and a child to raise..
And I know that I will love again.. only this time
BIGGER AND BETTER AND IT WILL BE A REAL LOVE NOT SOME
PRISON LOVE FOR SOME ADDICT THAT DOESNT GIVE A DAMN..
I am sorry if that sounds rude or crude but its the way I feel, I will always have a place for the Sweet Tat that I use to go and visit but not for the one that walked out of the gates on that Aug 20 day 2005.. my Tat is gone..

I pray that all who have never spent time with the person they are seeing or in love with. Will please becareful.. I knew of Tat before he went in, and then he saved my life... PLEAE he tried to take my life..
I just warn all the women and men to be careful when it comes to an inmate esp. if you have never known them on the streets...

much love and blessing to you all
and thanks for the support...
love and prayers
Tina

GOOD LUCK! I WISH YOU AND YOUR SON THE BEST AND I WILL BE PRAYING FOR YOUR SAFETY IN YOUR HOME. GIRL I AM HOPING THAT YOU WILL BE VERY CAREFUL! AS YOU KNOW I HAVE GONE THROUGH HELL THESE PAST FEW YEARS MYSELF AND I DONT KNOW IF I WILL EVER TRULY BE SAFE FROM HIM EVEN WHEN HE IS LOCKED UP! SO PLEASE JUST KEEP YOUR EYES OPEN AND DONT TAKE THE PEACE AND CALMNESS FOR GRANTED BECASUE YOU CAN NEVER PUT ANYTHING PAST A PERSON WHO IS IN ACTIVE ADDICTION OF DRUGS AND ALCOHOL.
MY WARMEST REGARDS TO YOU AND YOUR SON,
PRISONERuvLOVE
KIM

Prisoner,
I know that I must be careful.. Trust me, I take nothing for granted. I know
the only thing is I know that he doesnt want to go back to jail or prison andhis best friend is not going to let him come near me. And I have protection if I have to use it, I will.. I know what you are saying to me as does everyone else and it probley will be a restless night for me, but I will be home and thats what I want..
Take care...

Tina

Take Care To Tina! I Really Do Wish You The Best And I Am Glad That You Are At Home Where You And Your Son Belong!

tina You Know Im A Phone Call Away You Be Careful And Stay Safe For Your Son But I Am Glad That You Are Taking Your Life Back Into Your Hands And Not Allowing Tat To Control You With Fear Just Be Extra Careful While Doing So And Dont Take Anything For Granted Dont Let Your Guard Down To Fast Just Be Aware At All Times Im Here For You When You Need Me And When You Dont Prisoner You Have To Do Something And Fast For Your Sake And Peace Of Mind You Need And Deserve Your Life Back Get The Help You Need To Start This Process Dont Feel Sorry For Him Any Longer You Come First As Do Your Children They Deserve Their Mom Back Stay Safe And Focused God Bless !!!!!! Sometimes Blessings Are Un Answered Prayers

:( I'm so sorry for you and I know how you hurt. To live with an addict is to live in hell. My beloved sister was an addict since she was 15yrs old. She married and had four boys and did drugs the whole time. She ended up marring three diffrent times and each one was worse than the last. Well Jan 3rd of this year she died of a overdose. How many times we fought over this is to many to count. It did no good as she always continued to do them evan after she promised she wouldn't. Well now she's gone and we all miss her so much but that was the life she choice to live. It makes me so mad:angry: as it could of been so diffrent. You hang in there and be strong. Do for yourself as he is the onley one who can change if he so desires. But he has to do it for himself or it will never work. God Bless you and your son and I will keep all of you in my prayers!!:cry:

BBS MOM,
I am so sorry for the lost of your sister. That is my fear for Tat , he is been told that he cant use again or he will die.. I am sure he doesnt have long to live. Which is a sad thing, cause like yourself I think things could have been so different...
But I also know that he has to want to change... and I cant be the one to do that for him.. I think that he does want to change but, he doesnt know how or the will just isnt there. I have seen it at times, but that is very few and far between.. Truth is he loves the streets and he loves the drugs ..
As for me, if they did come tell me he was dead perhaps in a small way it would be a blessing.. I know you dont understand that and it may sound cruel but its the way I feel.. I am way over the hurt and the crying..
Now I want to live and be done with the Tat that I now know...
Thank you for your PM and again I am so sorry for the lost of your sister.
Hopefully she is at peace within herself now...

I realize that I need to do something for myself and for that of my boys and that is what I am in the process of doing. It just takes a little bit of time. I know that he is a dangerous man and I am done with him and it is over with between us that is a fact but it will take me a little of time to make sure that I am able to get away from him without him causing me any harm or any harm to my kids or other family members. So until thenI have to do what I have to do to make him think that everything is kind of cool between us. You know what I mean. But thanks for your words of support and encouragement I truly appreciate it.
Kim

I am sorry for the loss of your sister.

Just wanted to update you on ME!!!
yes me, not Tat but ME!!!
I have spent 2 nights in my home, very sleepless but 2 nights none the less.
I have not heard from him, nor do I care too...
He is where he wants to be, he is an addict and there is no money in this world, no words that I can say, no love that I can give that will ever ever change that, unless he wants to... and is willing too.
I use to think, that my love and our son was enough.. I have learned so different and it took a beating for me to see this.. and know this..
It will be along time before I can forget this and the last month and a half since he came out of prison.. I wish that I could forget the last 2 yrs of my life.. but I cant.. I can however learn and learn that I am not God I have no special gifts that will make him or anyone else want to change. Even God can only do so much if a person is not willing to change and do what it takes to fight..
I am learning everyday that what he does and what he did is not my fault and I pray those of you that have loved ones that are addicts come to know
this too..
We all our given choices in our lifes.. its up to us.. even the addicts have a choice...
As for me and my son we are getting stronger everyday and we are living our lifes as we did before.. to me he is gone away, dead, back in prison, not here.
My son, asks about him and I tell him that his "Daddy is sick and may never come back to see him" Thats a hard thing to tell a 5 yr old..but its the truth.
Something we all should seek....

much love and blessings
Tina

Tina,
I Just Wanted To Tell You That I Am Proud Of You And I Only Hope That I Can Be As Strong As You, In My Journey To Completely Break Things Off With The Monster In My Life. You Are Truly An Inspiration To Me And I Just Wanted To Let You Know That. Take Care And Keep Up With The Updates. I Really Look Forward To Hearing How Your Doing. Every Night I Continue To Pray For Myself And Also For You And All The Other People In The World That Are Suffering.
Best Wishes To You And Your Son.
Sincerely,
Kimberly

Prisoner: You touched me with your post... To know that some good has come out of this for someone else and that I give someone else the want to do better for themselves, just over takes me....
I am trying very hard to stay strong.. somedays I miss "THE TAT" that I know.. And as soon, as those thoughts come to mind..I rememeber the horrible person that I saw that day, he beat me.. and I am past that. I cant think about the good times, that makes me very weak.. I think of all the hurt and how my son and I do not deserve any of it.. I am still scared and I still watch everything and everyone around me.. but I am doing it!!!
And I know that you can to, IF moving to another state is what you have to do then do it.. You seem like such a wonderful person and you and your boys deserve more than the life you have lived.. I understand everything that you have posted on here and like most I do know why you do what you do.. But I also know that you have to make that break sooner or later.. Do what is good for you now..
I plan on keeping up with the posts and letting everyone know how I am doing.. Today is a new day and for today ...
I am doing great .... I am truly blessed..
Thank you for your support and I pray that you will find your path and make yourself happy.. Hey you could always come to Sunny Florida !!! (smile)
Take care and God Bless you and your loved ones
For everyone else...
Much Blessings and love

Tina

TatsBaby,
Thank you for your words of encouragement once again. ANd to be honest with you I love Sunny Florida but I will just probably go there to visit here and there. Keep being strong and dont let nobody get you down. You seem to be a great mother and you seem to have your head on straight. Don't ever let him pull you back into his life. You deserve much better than that. We all do.

I know how you feel sometimes addicts just cant answer why they do such things, thats why its a disease. I pray for you though and hope you find the answers you are searching for.

Thanks Nodoubt.. it is a disease.. but one that can be treated if one wants the help. My hubby doesnt..
Just wanted to let everyone know that I made it through the weekend and everything was ok. I went to court today for my restraining order and they still cant find him to serve him. But the judge granted me more time, which is a good thing. I went to my sons football game this weekend and even though they lost 1 to 3 he was the only one that got a touch down so I was quite proud of him... (He plays Pee wee flag) we are getting ready for his birthday.. and halloween he was born on the 30th and we always have his birthday on halloween.. so we are busy with that.
He doesnt ask much about his father, and if he does I just say he is sick and may not be back for a long time. I am having a hard time wondering if he ever loved us at all. My life seems like a lie, I dont know how he can live with himself (TAT) I heard that he is living with another woman? And I believe it,
another victim I guess.. I feel sorry for her. But I dont worry about it at all...
I am getting better everyday...
just wanted to let you all know, thanks for all your support and prayers
I still need them...

much love and blessing
Tina

Hey Girl Glad To Hear All Is Good With you and Your Son I Keep You In My Prays And That Living With Another Woman You Know The Saiyng "bird Of A Feather Flock" Together Dont Feel Sorry For Them Its All About you and yours Trisha

Hey Tina, Don't let that crap about him living with another woman get to you! You and your son are better off without him now that he is a totally different person than what he was when you two originally had gotten together. Good luck with the restraining order and the court thingy! I pray for you every night and for your son! Things are going good for me right now. I have 98 days clean and serene. and I also get off of House Arrest in one more day! I am really looking forward to that. My life is about to start! A better life! My oldest son is also moving back in with me in one more day which is the same day that I get off of House Arrest! I am truly excited! It's been a long six months of this House Arrest crap and being in jail! Things are finally starting to look up for me and my kids! There is a saying that we say in NA and I would like to share it with you! SO here goes "Don't give up before the Miracle Happens!" I wish you the best and keep us posted and I will do the same!
Sincerely,
Kim

Prisoner::
Congrats!!!! I think that is wonderful!!!!! You go girl!!!
I know that you are so excitted, heck I am excitted for you!!!
Thank you for sharing that saying.. I am waiting on my mircale and I wont give up till I get it, even if I got to make it for myself..
Good luck and keep up the good work, and if you ever get to Fla. look me up!
I will keep everyone posted..

KAINZ:I know what you are saying, still hurts but not as bad as it did, in the beginning.. I know that it is over, just feel really stupid somedays, but then again.. I loved and thats nothing to feel stupid about, it is he that screwed everything up...not me... even though he says it was all my fault, I have learned though that an addict doesnt except their wrongs, untill they are in recovery.. so be it.. I will survive......
I got your number and will call you ....

Much love and blessing to everyone..

love Tina

j

Just an update...
I just wanted to let everyone know how I am doing.. This week has been rough but I am making it thourgh it..
Yesterday, I checked my mail and there was a bill in there from the carrier of my cell phone service, so I opened it, not looking at whom it was for.
Well it was Tats new cell phone and there was the number, I still havent figured out why he had it sent to my home, because he got it on the first of Oct and he hasnt lived at my home since the middle of Sept..
I think it was so I would have the number, but any how I was shocked to see his number and hurt and angry and you name it , I felt it..
well of course, I called it, after I blocked my new number from him being able to see it.. I know some of you may not understand that, but I had to hear his voice, not to know that he was ok.. but to know that I made the right choices..
And yes , he answered and no I didnt say a word, just listened to him talk like he was so street wise and cuzz because I wasnt saying a word...
I felt sad, and I wanted to scream at him and ask him WHY!!! but I didnt
I just remembered the day he hit me, the day I pulled from those drug houses and I know that he is right back in those nasty things with those nasty people and I hung up..
That was all it took for me to know that I made the right choices .. I will miss him and I do love him but I love the person that I know, and he is long gone..
I did cry myself to sleep last night and that hurt alot.. somedays I feel li