I have been trying for a few days now, to post this chapter in my life.
I picked my hubby up on Aug 20th after waiting for a long 2 yrs.
It was the most heart felt reuion, he cried like a baby and so did I.
It was amazing that he was even alive, just 10 days before he was to come home. He had a major heart attack and they had to rush him to the medical center and place 4 stents in his heart. So God above knows I was so glad to have him finally home.
We spent 12 wonderful hours together.. that was it..
12 hours after we were home he was MIA he called that Monday on the 22nd and asked if I would come and get him. When I asked where he was, he wouldnt tell me. Just gave me directions to come and get him. I love him so much, that I didnt ask questions I just went. I pulled up to what seemed like a nice house? In a very nice neighborhood.. I walked inside this house and thought that I would
throw up.. It was nasty and had a strange smell. When I asked where my hubby was I was directed down the stairs and to a room with a large TV in there all dark, and my hubby was lying on the couch and looked like hell. I am still wondering how someone looks like that, in a matter of a few hours or days. I asked if he was ok and he said yes,he pulled me to him and told me how sorry he was. I just cried and said its ok, I love you we will work through this. His beautiful gold chain that I had worked my butt off to be able to buy him for his homecoming was gone, the ring I had bought for anniveray was gone as well. I asked where it was and he told me he needed 100.00 to get it back.
I went to my car and got it and he called the guy to bring it back.
Once his jewerly had been returned we sat and talked and I had so many questions as to why?
Truthfully, he couldnt answer not one of them. We walked out to the main room of the house, and I lost it, there were so many people sitting there , just stoned , stuck is the word that he likes to use.
I lost it and began telling them all what I thought of them.
I spoke strong and firm and wanted to know , how they could live like that. I told my hubby, you think these are your friends? They are your friends as long as you got drugs, when there is no more drugs then they will be gone. It was sad .. each and everyone of them had a story.. I was sick and had to leave to go out side.. My hubby got in the car with me and we drove home. He tried to explain to me, I just cried. I could not understand how one day you are there and just the day before we were at the church where we were to renew our vows and have his fathers 91st birthday .. on Sept 10 this was to all have taken place...and to have him come out and do it. I was shocked.
He never asked me for anything while inside the prison walls, just to come and visit when I could, to take care of our son, our home, and to love him . Which I did and still contiune to do..
When we got back home he slept and I thought all would be ok. The next day was tough but we made it. We went and got his Drivers Lis.
so that he could go and look for a job. That afternoon when we returned home, (Weds) he asked could he use the car and go to the store. I told him hang on and I will go with you. He just smiled and told me to trust him, he was done.
Suddenly this sick feeling came over me, and I couldnt breath
and I knew it was going to be a long night. I called him on his cell and asked if he was ok about an hour after he had left he said yea he was just driving and thinking and was talking to some old friends that he had ran into. Still I was trying to tell myself everything was ok..
I put our son to bed and tried to lay down and sleep. My nerves were gone and I started throwing up again. By now he had been gone a long time. I called him and he didnt answer. After about 2 hours he did and when I asked where he was he said he was on his way home.
I asked him to please hurry that I was sick and needed him.. He said ok. Around 2 hours later he showed up. OH I was sick by now, very sick. He came into the bed room and brought me something for my tummy and I tried to sleep.
I remember falling into like a twight light sleep and could hear him in the living room.. I got up to go and check on him and he didnt even look up to see if it was me or what. There he sat in our living room with a needle stuck in his arm. I again got sick. and didnt say a word..
I fought back the tears and went in to lay down with our son.. I locked the doors behind me.. at around 5:30 am on Thursday morning I got up and there he was sitting in our kitchen with the needle in his arm again.. this time , I lost it!!!
I walked over to him, asked him what in the hell was he doing or thinking and took everything from him and told him to please go into our room and lay down so I could get our son up for school. He was stuck and couldnt move.. All he could say was " I need to come down, I did to much!!!" I freaked.. I could think of nothing but our son waking up and seeing his father this way, or him over dosing and me having to call 911 and the police coming and having my son taken away.. I tried to get him up and into the shower he couldnt move, and was so hot and clammy, was sweating and his eyes where beginning to roll back in his head...
I manged to get him to the living room and sat him in front of the A/C got a big bowl and filled it with ice and water and got a towel and bath cloth and turned down the A/C as low as I could..
I washed him and kept talking to him, it seemed like I was there with him trying to bring him down for hours but it was only about 45 mins..
I got him up and took him to our room and laid him on the bed and shut the door and got our son ready for school. I came back and he was trying to get up and did after about 2 hrs.. And started demanding to know where his dope was..
Down the drain is where I wanted to tell him, which is exactly where I put it. I played it off and told him I didnt know. He became angry and went and got himself a beer at 10 am in the morning...
I told him, that he needed to leave, he looked at me and told me to make him. I knew that legally I couldnt but I also knew he had no money and would be wanting that fix soon.
I walked into our room and began packing everything that I had just given him for his homecoming, new cloths, colonge, jewelry, nikes, lugz, any and everything. He sat and looked at me and said " Are you sure, this is how you want it.?" I wanted to scream and say No, its not how I want it, I want my Sweet Tat back.. but I knew he was no more. The Devil had got him, I just couldnt figure out why so fast?
The next 14 hours were hell.. He forced me to take money out of my account and put me in my car and drove me to yet another drug house, where he went in and bought drugs and got back in my car and told me to drive like there was nothing wrong and if the cops stopped me . I would go to jail cause it was my car and the drugs where in there too. I just sat there very numb and was praying that I I would wake up... I drove him to the very same house that I had pulled him out of on Monday.. He got out of my car and took his drugs and never looked back at me. Didnt say , I love you and I am sorry...nothing ... just wanted to know when I was bringing his car to him and the rest of his stuff.. I told him in about an hour.. I left feeling used and unloved and worthless and beating myself up for his actions.
If someone would have told me that he would have done me this way I would have told them , they were crazy.. he was the model inmate, never got into trouble and yes I knew that he had a drug problem but I swear I thought that it was addressed we even talked about him going to NA when he got home, I told him I would go with him...
Today, has been a week since I saw him.. I last saw him to take his meds for his heart.. alot of good they are doing!
I know this is long and I know that everyone is wondering, why I didnt see it before he was home. I can honestly tell you I didnt.
I have cried and I have got angry and I have went over everything in my mind a million times and there is not one thing that I saw.
The day that I saw him, I was all dressed up trying to make myself feel better...
He met me at the door of the drug house I left him and at, and he looked like death warmed over. His hair was all shabby and I can rememeber that he never let his hair go over 2 days without getting it cut. He had these dirty clothes on, even though he has all these .. new ones. He met me at the door and was straight or at least half way, Bent down and kissed me and took my hair in his hand the way he always did, and said" Look at my pretty baby" "You sure are pretty girl" " You know I love ya".. I smiled and tried to hold back the tears. and told him , I hope that he was ok and that if ever the day came he wanted to get help I would be there for him.. He just smiled and said I know.. Asked how our son was and that was it, I kissed him on the cheek and left..
It hurt and it hurt bad, but driving down the road, I pulled over and cried and prayed and reliazed that the man that I left in that house was not the man, that I was in love with and that I may never have him back..I have to go on and that none of this is my fault..
And I will not beat myself up for loving someone with all my heart and soul and loving them despite their past and flaws..
I will heal and everyday is better or so it seems.
I worry about our son, but for now he knows that Daddy is away and sick...
I havent heard from him in 2 days now, not since I turned off his cell phone, so he couldnt call his drug man. Of course, I heard hell about that but thats ok.. maybe when he hits the bottom he will call and want my help.. maybe the cops will come to my door and tell me that he is dead or has been arrested again...
As for us, I dont know if there will ever be an us again. I wont turn my back on him but I cant live like that either. Hopefully he will get help and find the sweet loving person that I know.
The other day, I recieved a call from one of the guys that was in the dope house the day I let them have it. And he told me that I really made an impact on him and that he left that day and hasnt been back that he started to go to meetings and that I saved his life?
Woke him up... I told him I was glad and that he was better than that place.. and that I would keep him in my prayers.. he said thank you.
And then he told me that Tat loved me, but he was sick and I told him, Yea I know that.. Just wish I would have gotten through to him too.. and I hung up..
The next night an old friend called and checked on me and she made a statement that has stuck with me ... she said
" If you are with an addict and and even though you arent an addict you will live like one"...
And I reliazed that she was right...
I love " MY SWEET TAT " and I miss him so much ... but I have to love me more right now..
I know this is long but it has helped me to write it... I only hope that someday before it is to late...
He learns to love himself...

Take care and Gods blessings ..................

Please look at my signutare........

I'm sorry you are going through this :( I have never been with an addict, but I have lived with one. My sister is an addict and has been for years! I understand how hard it is to deal with! I don't want to turn my back, because it is my sister! But you can't keep enabling them to do what they are doing. I don't know what advice I have for you....seems like you have your head right and are headed in the right direction. :grouphug:

I am soooo soooo sorry that you went through that and sooo sorry that he can't fight his addiction and realize what he has in you and your son. I HATE drugs and what they do to people. When my ex was out there getting high again I used to pray that he would just end up back in jail, then at least I knew he was safe and not getting high and I could have him back... I wish you luck and hope that things can get better for you!! HUGS!

I don't know anything about drugs as I have never been around them and hopefully never will. Reading this almost makes my cry. I feel for you. I cannot possibly fathom what you are going through. You seem to be strong in your own way. I know that this cannot be easy. God has given you the strength to make it through this even though it seems impossible. How else could you be holding your head above water right now? I found it very interesting that one of the men at that house called you to tell you that you made such an impact on his life. That there shows you that God sent YOU there for that man. Maybe it is not meant for you to save Tat even though I know you would like to. God has a plan for Tat, but most importantly, He has a plan for you. Maybe all of this was a wake up call for you to start living your life for YOU and your son, not Tat. God will deal with him in His own special timing. All that you can really do is pray for Tat. It seems as though he has no intention of changing on his own. As for you, keep talking and writing about it. I find that can be more therapeutic than anything. Stay strong and if you can't stay strong for yourself, do it for your son. You're all he's got.

I'm so sorry sweetie...I wish there was something I could do to make this all better. I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.

Girl, I am so afraid. That could be me in 10 months. Bobby's drug use put him where he is, he couldn't stop until he was in prison and now I am scared. I am printing your post and sending it to him. I can't do it again, so if there is a chance I'll have to leave now. My heart isn't strong enough.

((((HUGS)))) You are living the nightmare we all have that have loved ones with addictions. We are all here for you when you need us. Prayers to you and your son to make it through this time. Prayers that Tat sees the path he needs to take to be sober.

Tatsbaby,

I am sorry you are going through this with your husband. Unfortunately there is nothing you can do for him but take care of you, your son, and protect what is yours. Protect your assets and your bank accounts. enabling him and protecting him from the consequences of his behavior will not help it will actually just prolong him using.

You are right when you say he is not the man you loved. From that one hit he's no longer that man and might never be again. I know what you are going through. I wish I could tell you that after 3 years its been a happy ending but it hasn't been. I let go and moved on with my life. I had to!
As a recovering drug and alcoholic, I had to set boundaries and it's been the hardest thing I have EVER had to do to enforce them. He found another enabler, they always do, it's just one part of the disease.

Following your heart in a situation like this is not your best option especially not for him or for you and your son. (((((((((hug)))))))))) my heart breaks for you and thank you soooo much for sharing this. IF it's ok, I would like to move this post to the introduction part of this forum. IF you need anything at all I am just a pm away.

Sunnie
PTO moderator (drug and alcohol forum)

Sunnie Thank you .. and everyone for the support..
I know what I have to do and will do it
as far as enabling him , I wont and neither will his family any longer
he is out there on his own..
and that sometimes breaks my heart..
but I know that we are only helping him feed his habit if we give in to him
so I refuse to let that happen....


love Tina

so sorry you had to go through this, it's gotta be a heartbreaker...you handled it so amazingly well. I am sure life has great things in store for you and your son has a wonderful strong mom. drugs do horrible things to wonderful people.

My heart goes out to you. My stomach turned as I read your story because like some others, this is a fear of mine. If you don't mind, I would also like to print this out and send it to my Vin. You and your son are in my prayers, stay strong, you're doing the right thing.

Tats...I am SO sorry you are going threw this...but as you said...you had to do this for YOU!! You can NOT beat yourself up for this...b/c NONE of it is your fault!! Being an addict(heroin)...I know that there was NOTHING anyone could do to stop me...I had to want to stop myself!! I am hoping that your man will hit his bottom...and that his bottom isn't death!! My thoughts are with you girl!! As I was reading your post...I got tears in my eyes b/c I could feel your pain...and it brought back all the things that I have done to the people I love when I was using!! I am happy to hear that one of the guys in the dope-house has decided to change...I just hope he is strong enough to do so! I am SO sorry and I wish there was something I could say to take away your pain...but there isn't...:grouphug: You do have the right attitude though...you NEED to stay strong for you and your SON!! I think you are doing the right thing...b/c you are not completely turning your back on him...but you are NOT helping him to keep getting his drugs. You are NOT enabling him...and that's tough love...but it is what a drug addict needs!! The longer they have people/possessions they can use to get high...the longer they will keep getting high!! I hope thing work out for him in the end and he opens up his eyes!! Keep strong sweetie!! Hugs:p
-Jackie

Oh god, I hate addiction!. Girl, you did great. In a foul situation. Keep your strength up, and don't forget to breathe.

My heart goes out to you and your son. My ex my kids father is an addict and I know what it is like to have to hide the money for bills and try to explain to your kids and family where he is. And then finally one day when you have had enough you walk and the walk that you take is one of the hardest walks you could ever take!! My ex is still an addict and my girls run into him only my oldest holds things against him but she did not for the longest time I was the one to blame for everything. ADDICTION is something that they have to bet for themselfs not because they are being told they have to, or because they are sent to prison. They have to be sick of living that kind of life, until then there is nothing that no one can do the help that person.
You have to take care of you and your son!! HUGS to the both of you.

tina You Know I Love You And Am There For You, Your Sharing Is Helping Alot Of Us Out Here Anyone Whose Dealing With An Addict Is Worried That We Will Have To Go Through The Same As You Did Its Scary But You Gave It Your All And Loved Unconditionally And Maybe Of Saved Someone From That Lifestyle Its All About Healing Within You Call Whenever You Need And Even Whenever You Dont Need To I Will Be There For You And Your Son Stay Strong And Focused I Know Its Been An Emotionally Roller Coaster And Pray Each Day It Brings You Finally To That Day Your Heart And Soul Is Healed Love You Girl!!!! GOD BLESS YOU AND YOUR FAMILY AND I AM PRAYING FOR TATS RECOVERY!!

Tina, thank you so much for sharing your story. I am just so sorry that you are going through this. It helps me to hear others stories about drugs. I threw my life away for drugs. I watched the love of my life throw his right away with mine. Let me know if I can help in any way.
Nika

This is so heartwrenching!
I know all too well what you are going through, and all I can say is that you are SO right when you say that you have to love yourself more.
And it is true that even if you aren't an addict yourself, if you love someone who is, you live that life.
I appreciate how hard this must have been to write this all down.
Maybe some day I will get the courage to do the same-
Stay strong-

I need to say Thank you to you all..
I know that I am a strong person, but sometimes the love for him gets in the way.. I heard from him this weekend and this morning as a matter of fact.. I can only pray that maybe just maybe he is ready to get some help..
Will I be there like I was, I cant tell you that. But I will not let him bring me to his level either. And I will not enable him with money or a place to stay either.
I have to tough love this and I have to love me more.. and you know what
I am learning how to do that...
Sure I got " I love you, I am sorry for what I have done, I am almost done, I will change, how is my son, do you still love me'? All the questions that an addict says when they are comin down,I dont see it lasting past the next shot of
dope.. That may sound cruel but its real..
I pray for him everyday more than once I can tell you that. And its hard to hear his voice .. But I wont allow him to bring me down. Hopefully someday he will find his way back to the person that I knew and loved. For now I am loving me, hurting, healing and being the best mom,friend, and person that I can be..
Thanks for the support I need all that I can get...

Love Tina

Tina, girl you know that I love you and that I am here if you ever need me...I am just a call away girl...

Love you
Jeanne

Hey girl, I am so sorry that you are going through this. I feared that would happen when my husband came home too and it almost did. He slipped up a few times but I had to be strong and luckily I guess he was ready to change. I still worry every day that he is going to mess up but its been 8 months since he's been home and working. I dont know how to say this without it sounding stupid but dont take it personal cuz once they are on drugs they are not themselves. He probably loves you with all his heart but once the drugs are in his system all that is forgotten.

Well its me again.. with yet another update..
I went to see him last night.. I honestly dont know why.. he was on his low and of course he was sorry once again for every bit of pain that he has caused me. He looked worst than the last time I saw him.. I only saw the
the Tat that I know for a few brief seconds..
At times he could be loving and sweet but in a flash he could get mean and angry.. I tried to talk to him but he wants nothing to do with what is going on in the real world..I think that it is true that they get high to keep from having to deal with the real world. I only know that I made a choice last night that I will not let him destory the good memories that I have of the man that he use to be. So I will not go around him again.. he said that he was ready to come home ? And my thoughts were, come home.. you never even stayed there but 12 hours how can you call it home? And I refuse to let him back into my life or our son's life the way that he is now..I know that help for him is way out of the question he wants nothing to do with it. Even thought his family and I have a rehab that will take him now. He will not ask for help and says that he doesnt need it. You know all the things that addicts say.
So for my sake and our sons sake I will not be there for him any longer. If I have to think of him as dead then that is what I have to do.. I know that sounds very mean and harsh..But I have already cut the money ties and now I must cut the ties that I give him by letting him think that I still have his back everytime he needs me in the streets. I cant !!!!
I have come to know and believe that I will always love him but I have to move on and I refuse to be apart of his dark world any longer. I know that people go through this for years and years with the ones they love. I cant !!!
I need to move on,, I am sure that he will die on the streets or end up back in prison.. and its only a matter of time.. prison would be best for all of us that love him.. Yesterday his arm at his elbow was very red and tender and swallen up and I am sure it was from shooting up to much dope.. To see that broke my heart.. he has lost all of his heart meds and has no clue where he lost them or his refill scripts..
I still question how and why this happened as fast as it did, and I may never have my answers but I know that I cant be apart of this any longer..
And if he is blessed to come to his rock bottom and seek the help that he needs..I will be there but only as his friend .. and the mother of his child..
I dont see that happening though.. he seems to enjoy the world he is in for now..
Thanks for your support you all have no clue how much that it means to me and I will ask that you please pray for him and for his soul and for me to have the strenght to make this break.. He told me yesterday, that I was the only thing that was keeping him half grounded in the real world and if he lost me or our son he wouldnt know what he would do.. but you know what?
I cant and wont let that be a hold on me, and I know that is all that it was meant to be. I am sure he meant it honestly and with what love he knows for us. But I wont let that hold me back ...
Take care and Gods blessing to you all....

Tina

Tatsbabynomore.....

Continue keeping your head up and stay strong (for you!!!) It's not easy and I speak from my own experiences....

Peace and blessings...

Good for you, girl! It cuts like a knife to do what you've done, but it was all you could do, all anyone could do. And that little cold spot that has grown, that's just your soul saying nothing good can come of this. As that assurance grows, you will feel stronger yet about your decision. We all end up with those callouses when our loved ones throw their lives away while we stand there begging them not to. Sometimes, I don't know how any of us survive the sorrow.

Hugs

Tatsbaby..

My Heart and soul hurts for you and your baby....While my encounter with an addict is not a significant other but my mother...I know what it is to watch them lose the little they have left. I know the feeling of loving so strong but knowing that you cant do more than what you are doing and they will never change or stop until they are fed up. But I will keep you in my prayers.....& your son...I hope he can wake up from all this and realize what a true woman you are!

Just a quick update..
once again he called me this morning and asked if I would spend saturday night with him, as that was the day we were suppose to have been renewing our vows..and legally getting married ( long story)
I told him no, I had plans to go out with friends and family.
Of course, I got the cussing out and how he couldnt believe that I was choosing them over him, my reply was I cant believe that you choose the streets and drugs over what we had, me and our son and your family..
He didnt have much to say other than if I went not to talk to him anymore
which could be a blessing believe it or not... sounds strange I know but true.
So I guess that I wont talk to him for a while cause I am going..
would I like to spend the night with him, a part yes, a part also is scared cause lord knows I dont know what he has been doing on the streets..
Everyday they say it gets a little better and somedays it seems that way.
But what do u do when you love someone and you know they are sick and they dont even try?
You have to let go and they have to let go of you right???
Smiles and blessing to you all
love Tina
Tatsbabynomore

Just a quick update..
once again he called me this morning and asked if I would spend saturday night with him, as that was the day we were suppose to have been renewing our vows..and legally getting married ( long story)
I told him no, I had plans to go out with friends and family.
Of course, I got the cussing out and how he couldnt believe that I was choosing them over him, my reply was I cant believe that you choose the streets and drugs over what we had, me and our son and your family..
He didnt have much to say other than if I went not to talk to him anymore
which could be a blessing believe it or not... sounds strange I know but true.
So I guess that I wont talk to him for a while cause I am going..
would I like to spend the night with him, a part yes, a part also is scared cause lord knows I dont know what he has been doing on the streets..
Everyday they say it gets a little better and somedays it seems that way.
But what do u do when you love someone and you know they are sick and they dont even try?
You have to let go and they have to let go of you right???
Smiles and blessing to you all
love Tina
Tatsbabynomore

I just read your thread and it broke my heart, I wish there was something I could tell you to make you feel better or tell you that I understand what your going thru but I cant.

Just know that you are in my prayers and thoughts, stay strong and know that we will always be here for support.

Oh Girl Big Hugs This Is Trouble Call If You Need To Talk Im Okay Got My Own Stuff Going On The Good Bad And Yes The Ugly Stay Strong And Gog Bless Trisha

Letting go of someone who is sick like that is one the of hardest things to do. I know cause I had to let go of my very 1st real Love like that. I have 3 kids by him and all ways thought that he would change and be the man that I knew deep down inside he was. But that never happened I was with him for so many years some good and some so bad that I have blocked them out!! It is heartbreaking to let them go cause a part of you thinks that they might get it togethere and be the man that you know he can be.But the other part of you is sick of the pain worry heartache that comes along with loving someone sick!! You have to stand on your own though this. He will keep calling you. I give you alot of credit for not meeting with him..it is heart breaking to let go and move on but deep down inside you know that it is for the best. I still have weak moments for my ex and will give him rides places but there is nothing there anymore nothing but pity!!!I wish that he would grow up and be a father but I know that is not going to happen. My girls are 15 11 and 10 they know that their father is sick!! I try to shield them from him but it does not always work like that. So not only is there the pain that he caused me but the pain that he is causeing my girls!!! I want to kill him for that!! But they will learn. Sorry I just rambled on!!!!

Louisgirl,
Dont worry about ramblin' I do it too.. It is so hard.. I just want to beat the hell out of him and say where is " MY TAT " where is " MY SWEET TAT"
I had 2 yrs of nothing but love from this man, and now all I have is heartache..
I had to stop talking to him, each time I did.. I had hopes that he would return and yet I know he wont.. I feel for you and your girls.. but they have a strong mommy just like my son has one in me.. Its hard though to be strong so much.. at night when my son is in bed.. I take a bath and just sit with the water running over my head and cry and wonder " what the hell went wrong" and why I never seen this coming...
Thank you for your support and everyone elses on here...
Ya'll really do make it eaiser for me.. and trust me its hard...
love to you girl and take care

Tina

Tina just hang in there cause it does get easier and the hurt dies long the way. I know that I had to keep alot of anger in order to let go of him!!Pm me anytime if you need to!!

Amy

wow girl you have just described my life for the last 3 years. I am so glad you have decided not to let him take you down with him. There really is nothing we can do for our friends in those situations. Believe me I've tried everything from denying mine $5.00 to having him kidnapped and forced into treatment. Literally. The only thing I havent tried is to just let him hit the bottom. He knows he can come home at anytime and have a good meal, a shower, and a long nap. And of course as soon as I started realy thinking about finally taking that away and letting him go he got himself back in prison and we're pretty sure it will be a while this time. I wish you and your family much luck, please know you are not alone, and that we are praying for you.

Hi Tat.

I'm so sorry that you're going through this. It's heartbreaking.

You didn't mention what drug he is addicted to, but from what I've gathered it sounds like a meth addiction.

If that's so, I would like to direct you to a support site with a ton of information and support for recoving addicts and for wives, husbands, family members, etc.

If I'm wrong about the drug of choice, forgive me. I was just going on what I could gather.

Take care.

Lena

http://www.crystalrecovery.com/Links/MDF.html

U, and ur strength are definitely in my prayers.................

Tina,

You story has touched my heart. We have somethings in common. Why my G is not an IV drug user, he is an Crack Addict. I too have lost sleep, and cried until I could not shed another tear. What has helped me more than anything was Al-Anon. Al-Anon taught me how to keep the focus on myself and not the Addict. It has taught me how to set good boundaries, and how to take care of my needs. Al-Anon has helped me see that his addiction has affected me. In Al-Anon I have learned to stop blaming the Addict and to understand addiction. You see as family members we see the "drug" as the problem... "If he would not use then everything would be ok" The Addict sees the drug as the solution to the emotional pain he feels. I learned that G did not do those things to me...he did them to himself.

I know the pain you are feeling, and I am so happy you are reaching out to others for support. This forum is a great support system but I found that I need face to face contact with people who understood me and was totally non-judge mental. God Bless and take care of yourself.

Char

Hello to everyone:
I have been away for a while and alot has happened... I got a call from Tat asking me to come and pick him up last friday. I had to really think long and hard about it, but I did. I knew something was wrong just didnt know what. I got him home. He was complaining of chest pains very badly. He slept alot .. which I know he needed. Sunday night the pain got to much for him to handle and I had to make the choice to call 911. They came of course and rushed him to the hosp. once there. They got him stable enough to move him and sent him to a hosp that had a good cardio. department. Yes, he had yet another heart attack. I almost lost him twice before they got him to the second hosp. seems the stents they put in his chest have shut down, due to not taking his meds and yes from being on the streets doing drugs again.. ( pretty stupid, I know) but addicts dont seem to think of it that way. It has been nothing but rough.. I, myself am a wreck. Cant keep any food down, and throw up at the thoughts of food. I have gone to the Drs as well and he put me on meds. for my nerves. I havent been able to get them as of yet, because I have missed all of work this week except today. My pay check will be nothing this week. But I will deal with that.
Having Tat in the hosp has been a strain, not only were we dealing with the heart attack and the balloning of his heart to open the stents back up. But also the DTs when it came to him coming off the street drugs. That I can tell you was not a fun picture. I at one point had to wait till he was sleeping and walk out of the hosp and away from him, because he was in such pain that he was very very mean to me and I couldnt take it any longer. Once he woke up and found me not there, he freaked of course. I know your saying why did I leave him there? Well I had to and I know that you may not agree with that, but its something I choose to do. Of course, he left the hosp without telling anyone and went to the nearest drug dealers house. Where I guessed he hoped to end his life for good. But he didnt work that way. The hosp called me and I gave them the info they needed to go and get him. And the cops did... Once again, God had his hands on Tat . They brought him back to the hosp. where they kept him over night. In the morning he called and begged me to come and get him. Which I did, against everything that everybody thought I shouldnt do. But its like this, its not about Tat or the love that I have for him. Its about a human soul, hurt and beat down and needing someone and someplace to belong. I went and got him Tues morning and he has slept and slept and slept. Which is fine with me. He wakes up long enough for me to give him his meds and to eat and watch a little bit of TV and then he goes back to sleep. I dont mind cause I know that his body is healing and so is his soul. The DT's are gone now. The Drs told him one more shot of drugs and that will be his last? His heart cant take it. He told me last night that he was
So sorry that he had take me, or son, his family,life, and God for Granted. I can only pray that while he is sleeping God is talking to him as well. Please pray for him and ask God to take all thoughts of drugs from his mind. I am holding up and finally learning to take it one day at a time.
I do need some help though, the hosp could not direct me on how to get anyhelp for him when it comes to getting his meds, they gave him a 20 days supply of the meds for his stents after that we have to buy them at 135.00 a mths supply. He has no insurance being that we arent legally married and has only been out of prison for a month.
I do need some kind of advice on what to do? Please...the hops told me of some thing that we may be able to get his meds for him through a company that makes them but the hosp dropped the ball on that as well. To tell you the truth, this is how they looked at him..
OH!!! another drug addict this one has a heart problem and he still is using . I understand that, but .. he still is a human being as well...
will we make it, I dont know. Will he stay clean I can only pray.. one day at a time.. but thats where we are at this point.. any help or suggestions I would love ...
we havent talked about meetings or rehab.. you would just have to know him.. they wont his eatting habits changed and his cig. smoking as well.. I say damn...let worry about the drug habit first..
I cant ask him to stop eveything at one time...
I hope everyone is doing well and understand where I am at .. The fact that he is home is a blessing .. I just pray it lasts...
love and much blessing
Tina
__________________

Tina

It is hard to turn your back on them. My ex (kids dad) has heart problems all so from drug use.. He does not call me anymore when it happens cause I have been there so many times that he does not keep the promises that he makes to the girls and himself!! As for help with the meds try the company that makes them web site. Check it out. All so he might try getting state insurance they might help him. I know that my ex gets state insurance to help him. try it out!!
I really hope for his sake that he changes and decides to live a life worth living!! Hang in there I will keep you and him and your son in my thoughts!!!

Tatts, I am so sorry! My prayers are with you and your addicted man. God Bless you!

:cry: so sorry you're going through all this. it really scares me that after all these years it could happen to me too. bless you.:heart:

Welcome and I am so glad you found us. Oh hun I am so sorry. I am a recovering valium addict. Yes there are days I could kill for one. I have not taken them in 13 years. I tried for a while to trade that for other drugs and gave it up too. I know what he is going through and I know what you are going through for I have been married to 2 addicts myself. I am glad you realize you can not change anyone but yourself now for that is what you have to know before you can heal. You can not change him, only your actions about how you deal with him.
Good luck and know I am only a pm away. You and your little boy are in my prayers and so is your ex.
Peace love light and laughter
Valorie

UP DATE ON OUR STORY

Tat is at home and is doing alright, he has been clean now for 9 days.. may not seem that long to some of you. But that is a very good thing. He is tired and we are running into walls when it comes to getting any kind of medical help for him at all. But I refuse to give up any hope.
We know we have a long road ahead of us, but we will face it and we both know it is not an easy one. But one that we will take one day at a time. That is a hard thing for both of us to do, as we have never had to do that before.
Thank you for all your prayers and support, they mean so much to us. Please keep right on praying for us both. I heard my husband laugh again for the first time the other night when he was playing with our son. My heart melted..
Sometimes you forget how important the small things are , untill they are nearly taken from you..
I guess I better fix my signauture as well..
As I know that I will always be Tatsbaby...
much love and blessings

Tina

Tina you have to do what you need to do.. I wish you and your family the best. We are here for you no matter what..

Tatsbaby couldn't have said it any better. I too have lived that exact senerio. Different names and places but the same exact thing. After those first few hours it's over and to realize that they spent those hours planning to get high! It's so incredibly insane. Just looking at them and realizing they have become someone else, just like that, is so eerie. It is truly sickening. I'm just so glad to hear that he did not continue to come back and look for you to "support" him in his lifestyle. I used to live in constant fear that mine would be waiting for me after work, or holed up in my house when I came home so I could take him to the ATM or breaking in at night to wake me for money... It got very scary, saying no was basically life threatening. I've had him arrested I don't know how many times. Many people have helped me to keep him in on little charges for my safety. Finally the last time was for real, terriorist threat among other charges.
He is now on his second term since I left him. Getting away only because he was incarcerated for 16 months first term. Still had to have a restraining order as part of his parole.
Now here's the amazing part, the reason I'm writing. Even tho, I am not "with" him his love for me was so that he wanted to come to terms with all that happenened between us. Like Tatsbaby says, he wanted to face his ghosts and his dragons. We have spent hours on the phone starting in his first term and also during this term to bring forgiveness and respect back to our "relationship". I never want to be with him again because I will never, ever trust him completely, but being able to express myself, sometimes crying and swearing, and to have him listen quietly for the entire time, answering questions and understanding what he put me through was really amazing to me. Listening to him come to terms with his issues has really been so healing. I guess that it's that the "real" him is realizing that he has to be stronger than the "addicted" him. He is in CSATF in California and it is one of only two prisons here that actually run a program modeled after successful drug programs across the country. He's bought into it and is working the program. That's all I can ask for. Whether it carries over when he gets out is only something I can pray for. While I have moved on, our personalities become fragmented with tramatic incidences and having him do well only helps me in the long run. It's something I once longed for because of "us" but I find that I still long for it because I once loved him.

Just a quick update..
one more day clean and sober... Thank you God!!!!
10 days now...
Last night Tat was able to go out of the house and go with me to our sons
PTA meeting at school, trust me that was a big thing for him and for me and for our son.. We didnt stay too long because he is still in a lot of pain from the heart attack and from just being on the streets and being an addict.. but it was a start.. we also went and saw my daughter and our grandson, which
loves Tat so very much... that was a good thing...
Some days are eaiser than others, somedays are harder than others. I read somewhere on line the other day about detoxing your body and that if you are an addict you almost have to go into confinement much like if in prison. Tat has done just that, he doesnt leave our home, he talks to very few people and he sleeps, thinks, heals and dreams and is getting better. Is the want to get high still there, I ask him, he answered and said yes, but the want to live with my wife and son and be happy is getting much stronger... that made me very happy.. One day at a time .. is how we take it ..

Bluehorsebeach: Thanks for your reply,, I can relate to what you say totally.. I love Tat very much, but if it doesnt work out.. I can say and mean it with all my heart that I loved with out judgement and gave it everything that I could give it.. Like my hubby said " I can only to so much, the big part is up to him" stay in touch and let me know how you are doing... good luck...

much love and blessings to all
Thank you all

Tina and Tat
I will keep posting as long as I need too...

To Tina,
I know what you mean about the human soul. Did he ever look at you and you could see right into that very soul and know that that trapped soul was speaking? Drug addiction is the most eerie, depressing, heart wrenching, soul shredding experience I've ever been through. But giving up on that loved one's soul... it's almost impossible. 10 days sober!!! :clap: It seems like so little to say 10 days but compared to 12 hours... Wow! Tell him I am SOOOOO impressed! :thumbsup: He is a man of men. What he is going thru we wouldn't wish on even our enemies. You Tina, deserve every day he is sober. I treasured all of the sober days and still remember them now. We were very deeply in love. The abuse and fear and shock that the man I most loved would hurt me destroyed trust and love without trust can't exist together, only apart. I put my exs picture into the "overcomers Bible" on my night stand and literally and formally in prayer gave him over to God's care. That was the only way I could "let go". And God has answered my faith in so many ways.

I hate to admit it but I was married to an acholic, went to my ex who was addicted to crack and have gone out with a herion addict. What am I thinking?? Of course it all happens in the course of time. Acholism is progressive and got to the point where I had to leave because my kids really wanted not to live with him any more. My drug addict ex wasn't addicted when we fell in love and neither was the herion addict. Well I should say that the herion addict was in recovery but in denial too and that relationship, if you could call it that was very short lived since I recognized the problem immediately and bailed before my heart became too involved. Both addicts are incarcerated now.

Tina, I still just so amazed at your story. I am so thrilled that he is home as hard as that is on you. Wow, I'll be piling on the prayers onto you two and your son. Sounds like you have Plan A and a Plan B so you have your head on straight. You are also a wonderful strong woman. That's why Tat is doing as well as he is. You get your meds and give your burdens to God to ease your soul. Remember He is in charge anyway right? :) He is obviously working in your lives. A book that helped me... Just Enough Light for the Step I'm On by Stormie O'Martian.

Ok, I've gone on and on but I'm so in support of you Tina!! I wish you 10 more days clean and sober. I'm thinking about programs but nothing is coming up. Maybe later something will come to me.
(((Hugs)))

Glad to hear that he is healing. Hopefully he will take this time and REALLY realize what he needs in his life!
Keep us updated when you can!!!

I am so sorry things turned out the way they did. I'll be praying for you both...

Sorry...I didn't read through this whole thread before I posted...:rolleyes: I'm so glad to hear he is home and things are looking better...:thumbsup:

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

Hello to all!!!
Just a up date as to what is going on in Tats recovery and in our world. Well today is almost 14 days clean.. not a lot but alot to us!
Last night we went and had dinner with my oldest daughter , and Tat and her met for the first time. That was a big blessing to me, because there was so many bad feelings there. But all was put behind us and we had a good time. Tat and I and our son even went to walmart for a little while. Tat is taking very small steps right now. And we do them as he thinks he can. I am so proud of him for the things that he has been able to do. He is beginning to talk to me about things and I try very hard to listen and to understand. For me that is good, cause I tend to be very hot headed at times.
Today, a friend he grew up with is coming to take him out for a while. I am ok with that, because she is really the only true friend that he has from the streets. And she has been clean and sober for a year now. She is also a leader in NA/AA so that is a very good thing..
She has been very supportive for both Tat and myself.
We are still taking it, One day at a time.. but thats ok. I am glad for those one days and pray for many more...
Hope all is well with everyone and their loved ones. I will keep you posted. Thanks for the support and prayers.
OH I forgot to tell you all... Tat and I have a date tonight!!!
We are going out to eat and then to go bowling...
I cant wait............

much love Tina and Tat

Awesome news!
Love it! Love it! Love it!
How did the date go? :)

Tina i'm glad that things are going well..

15 days clean and sober!!!
Just wanted to update everyone...
We had a good weekend..
we went out for a while on friday night and that was alot of fun.
we didnt do alot but we laughed and had dinner.
Sunday we went to visit with his father, whom is 91 and slowly dying, that was very very emotionly for both Tat and I. I was very worried about Tat seeing his father, as bad things seem to trigger his use of drugs, but he was ok. He cried and that was something I have never seen that big old G do before. His father told him that he was proud of him and that he knew that he could do it.. And that he was prould of him cause he knew that this time he had a good woman by his side, and that good women are very hard to come by, and that he was blessed with a good woman when he had Tats mom and now he was thankful that Tat had a good woman. And that he best treat me and his grandson right. That touched my heart more than anything. It ended with Tat leaving his fathers room , and I know that it upset him. But I also think that he needed to have that time with his father. As hard and mean as it sounds, I think he needed to reflect on what he has missed all these years with his father and family. Because he chose to live the life that he lived.. Does that make sense?
Today he had alot of things to do when it came to his health and getting what he needs done. I cant take off of work everytime he needs something. SO I let him keep my van and guess what he did really well with it. I talked to him every hour on the hour and cked and make sure he was ok, if I wasnt calling him he was calling me.
He was ok..
I have to tell you though I was scared to death.. He understands that though. Before he left this morning he kissed me and told me that he wouldnt let me down.. part of me wanted to believe and the other half couldnt.. Thats mean I know but its not Tat its his addiction. But he did good. Like he said, sooner or later I have got to learn to trust him again.. like everything we are taking it one day at a time...
For today and this past Saturday and Sunday it has been a good one...
much blessings and love

Tina and Tat

tina that is great that he is showing that he wants to change. Just remember that he did not just wake up and was an addict so it takes time.. Good For the both of you!!!

Tina....I just read up on your posts...and I am sorry about all the drama that you have been threw in the last month!!! I know that it must be SO hard...but it looks like things are FINALLY looking up!!! 15 days might not seem like alot to some...but it's ALOT of days when your trying to stay clean!!! B/C once the withdrawls are away...it still messes with your mind ALOT!!!! I think that Tat is doing real good...and I hope he has the strength to continue!! I'm hoping he has hit his bottom...and he is done!!! I will keep both of you in my thoughts...I know the struggle and it's hard, but you guys can make it!!!! As long as Tat WANTS to stay clean...he can make it!!! Keep your heads held high...and continue to take it ONE DAY AT A TIME!!!!!!! Even one hour, one minute, one second...whatever it takes!!!!! Hugs:p
-Jackie

:slap: :slap: :slap: :slap: :slap: :slap: :slap: :slap: :slap: :slap: :slap: :slap: :slap: :slap: :slap: :slap:

As I write this my heart and body are healing and so is my mind.
I know that you all have been through this whole thing with me as with Tat. So here is the update.. and the end of the story as far as Tat and I go.
Tues I recieved a call saying that his father had past away. I knew this was going to happen as did Tat.. I also knew that it would give him a reason to want to use again..
He cant deal with real life at all.
So guess what he did. Tuesday night the night of his fathers death he used.. I cried all night and once again locked myself into my sons room and prayed and prayed. Weds morning he got up and actted if nothing was wrong. We went to his Drs appointment for mental health. I could hear him screaming at the nurse. Seems he wanted to tell them what kind of meds to put him on. We left there and he demanded $20.00, for more drugs. When I told him, I didnt have it. Well thats when all hell broke loose. We went home, he wouldnt let me leave the house. I thought and thought, and I told him, " why dont you let me go and get the money from my mom? I know your hurting and I will go and borrow it from her." All the while praying he would fall for it, so I could leave.
He agreed, and I was walking out the back door, when he came running up to me and kicked me in my leg and hips, and ankle to get me to close the door. Which of course I did. He backed me in the corner and told me, I wasnt going a damn place and to give him the keys. I refused.. He then hit me in my chest and back and when I still refused to give him the keys. He took my hand and bit my hand so that I would let go of the keys. I tried to fight him back, I got in a couple of good blows. But it was like he was 5 times stronger than he really is. My hand hurt so bad, I finally dropped the keys, he took me by the shoulder and made me go into the living room and empty my purse to show him I didnt have the money. Then he lit a joint and told me that if I didnt smoke it with him, he would kill me. I ask him why did I have to smoke it ? And his reply was, If I go to jail your going right along with me, cause I will tell them that you smoke too and then you know what will happen to (our son) everytime I refused to take a hit. He would hit me in my chest.. Or take the knife he had in his hand to my throat..
I swear to you all, I saw myself dead... I never have prayed so hard in all my life.. finally after what seems like forever.. He threw the keys at me and told me to leave and dont come back, he was taking over (my house) .. I didnt say a word, I picked up the keys and headed as fast as I could out the back door.. When I reached my Van thank God it was open, I honestly think God opened it, cause I keep it locked at all times. I got in and locked the doors and he came screaming out the back door for me to open the door or roll down the windows.. I put the van into reverse and shot him a bird and told him to go get $#%! and I floored the van and went strainght to the police.. This I pressed charges against him, the whole time he is calling me on the cell phone, one minute screaming at me telling me he will kill me, burn my house down around me, etc etc etc...
The next, he loves me, hes sorry, I know that he is hurting and that he would never hurt me or our son...
I didnt care, he has never hit me before and I be damned if he ever will hit me again. For that fact, he will never see me or my son again...
I am slapping myself in the forehead to think that I could have been so damn stupid as to have thought that he could have changed...
I have a order of protection against him and a warrant for his arrest.
I dont know if he even made it to his fathers funeral.. I know I wasnt able to go.. Its funny how on Sunday when we visited with his father
his dear father , kissed me on my cheek and told me Thank you for loving my son, the way his mother loved me. And then he told Tat that he was proud of him for changing his life around and that he did good when he found me and he loved him and that now he could go to heaven to be with his beloved wife, Tats mother..
I dont know where or what will become of him, as of right now I am in hiding because I fear for my life as well as my sons.. They are tryng to get me funding for relocation.. Although, I am not sure I am going to move.. I refuse to give anymore of my life to him.. and my home is part of my life.. if the funding comes through,, I will move.. IF not then I will fight.. IF I know Tat he wont bother me again, he wants no part of jail or prison.. The truth is the last heart attack he had the Drs told him if he used again he was dead.. Perhaps that will happen and the sad fact is...
I cant even cry if it does... I will be relieved.................
Maybe you dont understand that, but its true...
My words to anyone dealing with an addict..
please be careful and know this.........
Loving someone is never enough..............

many blessing to each of you and your loved ones
Now I can truly say...
I am


Tatsbabynomore..
I thank God for showing me I am better than what I was living for...

I am sorry about this, unfortunately this is just all too common.
Please do what it is that you have to do to protect yourself and
your son if you don't it's just going to get worse and worse.
Call battered women in your area and get into a shelter as soon as you can. I am not kidding about this. If you do nothing I fear for your safety.

Good luck sweetie

Thanks Sunny,
I am not staying at my home, I have applied for funding for a relocation move. I dont stay at my home at all. I go there just to get things and then I leave and I never go there alone..
I understand what you are saying.. I too fear for my life and my sons life..
how I hate the word DRUGS....

I am glad that you are looking into relocation program but it's very hard to get into the quickest way to acheive this would be to get into a shelter. I know not club med but they have alot of resources. The ones assisted first are those in residence. They have nice ones as well.
Call the domestic violence hotline.
http://www.aardvarc.org/dv/states/fldv.shtml

My concern is that he is going to try to im sorry you back into staying with him. It's easy to think that drugs are the only reason and they might enhance it, and
once he gets off them, like he did last time he will be ok until it happens again.

Be safe!!

tina Stay Strong And Take Care Of My Lil Man You Werent Stupid At All For Giving It A Try You Would Of Never Known It You Never Tried But Now You Know That He Just Doesnt Want Help You Cant Help Someone Who Doesnt Want The Help Now Focus On You AND The Lil Man And Move Forward I HatE That You Have To Live In Fear Not Knowing What He Might Or Might Not Do , Like Sunnie Said Dont Take Any Chances ,,Its A Crazy World We Live In,,,, Love You Girl Talk With You Soon

I cant even cry if it does... I will be relieved.................

I totally undersatnd what you mean by this!!!

I'm so sorry that he did this to you and your son. Hang in there and allways remember that day like it just happened when it comes to him cause they are tricky (addicts) and can turn things around like it was your doing not his!!!!!Sometimes this it all it takes for you to see what life would be like!! Good luck!!!

Stay strong. You did the RIGHT thing. Keep praying for guidance.

I am sorry that you have had to go through that. I too can relate to what you said. I have been in that position myself and I am also a recovering addict myself. I will tell you this, when any person is abusing drugs or even alcohol they are a total different person than what they were before they started abusing the drugs or alcohol. I am recovering from my addiction but unfortunatelymy man may be clean today just because he is in prison but once he gets out I know that he will go back to using. There is a difference of being a recovering addict and a person who just isnt getting high right now due to his circumstances (being locked up) You know what I mean. I wish you and your son the best of luck and remember that what doesnt destroy us will only make us stronger. Maybe Tat will eventually see the light. NA is a great place. That is what got me to see the light. Maybe he will find it too.

I KNOW what it is to love an addict. I know what it is to live that life you described and to want, with your very breath, for things to just be normal and for the person you love to not be over-taken by the emotionless addict-persona.
Your story made me cry and it made me afraid. I have been down this road before and am so scared it will happen again when he gets out. I don't want my children to go through that again. I don't want to feel that feeling you get when they drive away in the car and you wonder if they are really going to the store or if your bank account will be empty and you are in store for another round of maddness.
I don't want to to it again. And I don't want to give up either. Loving an addict sucks. sigh.......
Thank you for sharing your story. May God Bless you and your son with his peace, his Grace, and his strength.

((((hugs)))) and stay strong.... You CAN do this for you and your son.... I noticed that a member brought up Al-Anon in her post but didn't see you mention going... Al-Anon can really help you to stay strong and to move on.... It can be a lifeline for you right now if you let it....

Deb

I just wanted to let you know that my heart goes out to you and to anybody else that has ever lived through a similiar situation such as what you did Tina. I am also one of those people.You see though I chose to stay with my man even though he abused me on a regular basis. I only wish that I could have been as strong as you are to have left him the very first time that he laid his hands on me. I love my man and I realize that it is probably a sick kind of love because I realize that it truly isn't a healthy relationship that we have together. My man Brian, is always locked up and always has been in and out of prison since we have been together. He has actually been in prison more than what he has been out and that is probably the only reason why I am still there for him. That is sad to say but I know that I am safe from his wrath when he is locked up. Which this time will be for 12 years. You see in the beginning it was really great between us. But these last few years he has become somebody I dont really know and don't care to know at that. He is like a Jekyll and Hyde type of person. You know what I mean. He has done some terrible things to me these last few years when he has gotten out of prison. There has been times that I would be soaking in the bath tub and trying to get a little peace of mind and all of a sudden he would be standing there next to me at the side of the bath tub with a gun to my head. Telling me things like get dressed because he is taking me to dig my grave. I am a stubborn person myself and probably pretty stupid because in my heart I didnt feel that he would shoot me so I in return told him to go f*%% off. If he wanted to shoot me then go ahead and do it but he would have to dig my grave himself. Luckily I was right that time and I am still here to tell about it. He has beat me repeatedly and I still stayed with him Mostly it was out of fear to leave. I felt that I had a greater chance at surviving if we were still together, because if I left him and he found me out on the streets then he would have so much anger towards me that I feel that he would really kill me for sure. That there would be nothing that I could do or say to get him to come back to reality and realize what he was doing to the woman he supposedly loved was not right. So for that reason I stayed. Also because one time I tried to leave him and I called somebody to help get me out of there and away from him and he found out about it before they got there to save me from him and he beat both her and I really badly. Neither of us called the cops as we are terribly petrified of him when he is abusing drugs. But then I finally had enough of the beatings, him hitting me with his fists and also with a belt across my naked body. So I got my son and ran out the door and borrowed a strangers cell phone and called 911. All hell broke loose after that. You see this man is a very dangerous person, the swat team came out, snypers and the hostage negotiating team. They evacuated our whole apartment complex and there was a 5 and a half hour standoff between him and the police. Finally they got him and they arrested him. They didnt charge him with the abuse against me though. They only got him for a parole violation and made him expire his sentence so he only did 8 more months and then he got out. But he had Federal charges pending against him due to them finding his gun inside of our apartment. And he is a felon in posession of a firearm. Anyways, right when he got out he came after me and my family, not just my children and I but my mother and father and my brother and his children as well. So I ended up going back to him in fear for my family. Even though I could go into hiding I couldnt expect my family members to go into hiding as well. So to protect them I put my own life in danger. I send my children to live with their father in California though. I wouldnt jeapordize their life anymore. That was one of the hardest decisions I had ever made in my life. But it was only fair to the children. As they have no choice in lfe when it comes to who their step parents are. So I had to make the right decision for my children and to make sure that they would remain to be safe from him even though I felt trapped into going back to him to protect the rest of my family members. Well he managed to elude the feds for 6 months from when he was released from expiring his state time. During those 6 months he put me through sheer hell and terror. The beatings became more frequently. He forced me to do things that were extremely illegal, because he to thought if he was going down then he wanted me to go down with him. THat way I wouldnt be out here for me to get any other man or have my freedom since he knew that this time around he was going to do another lengthy sentence. About 2 months before we got raided by the feds I couldnt take it anymore and I didnt want to die by his hands. I didnt want to give him the satisfaction of killing me himself so I decided to take my own life. I slit my wrists twice, lengthwise about 3 inches long down my arm. I went deep too. GOt my veins and all. I wasnt joking around. I had always heard that if you slit your wrists lengthwise and got your veins that you were sure to die. Boy were they wrong. My brother found me this way and called 911. I end up in the hospital. They stitched me up and managed to save my life. So thats what they thought they were doing. I on the other hand was very angry about this because now I was still going to live my life in terror with this man. Anyhow he was really great and kind and loving to me after I had done that. But that only lasted about 3 and a half weeks. Then one morning I woke up to him bashing my head in with his fists. Then next thing you know he pulled out his knife that was laying next to him by the bed and he went to stab me in my head. Luckily I reached out to grab the knife from him and I accidentally grabbed the blade and it was so sharp that the blade went right through my hand. It went through my vein also. There was blood all over the wall and I went into shock. I started to freak out and he is trying to stop the bleeding and he even threatened to do it again if I didnt stop my screaming. So I did what he said. He managed to wrap up my hand and then he took me to the hospital where they stitched me up. He actually dropped me off and so I was by myself. I should have had them call the police at that time but he called me on my cell phone and wouldnt you know it but he was threatening my family again. So I blamed the whole knife thing as an accident that I had done to myself. I got fixed up there and left the hospital and he picked me up and took me home. He was really sweet to me once again. But I never felt safe the entire time and was deathly afraid to fall asleep at night. But I felt that I had no other choice than to stay with him and just hope that one day soon we would get raided and he would go back to prison and only then would I be safe from him. I just couldnt be the one who called the police and had him arrested because when I had done that the time before he had labelled me as a Rat to everybody we knew and to even people that didnt know me and he stated that there was paperwork on me and all kinds of stuff that I just couldnt handle going through all of that again. Because I come from the streets myself and I know the laws of the street and I wasnt a Rat. Not then and never have been. I only called the police because I was in fear of my life and I obviously had every right to be. But still that is what he tried to label me as being out there on the streets and that bothered me more than living every day in fear of this man and knowing that there was a big chance that he was going to eventually kill me. So anyways, when we finally got raided by the US Marshalls about 5 weeks after he stabbed me I was so relieved. It was a strange feeling because he managed to succeed in one thing, I too went to jail for my criminal activity that he forced me to participate in, but I didnt care. I actually asked the US Marshalls "What took you so long to find us?" Talk about strange. The good news is that I am now out. I did 4 and a half months in county jail and I am finishing up my other half of my 9 month sentence on the outside on House Arrest. I only have 10 more days to go before I get off. I am not on paper neither. SO no probation for me. I will soon be free. Free of him and his danger to me and my family for the next 12 years. And in the Federal Prison system he has to do 85 percent of his time so it will be quite some time before he gets out and can harm me or my family. I have to be honest with you all. I still have contact with him as I made a vow to never leave him lonely while he is behind those prison walls. SO I do put money on his books, and made sure that he got his tv and all that crap. But I dont go and visit him and I dont write to him. As far as I know he doesnt know where I am living. He can't call me because he doesnt have a number to call me neither. But he does try to contact me through other people that we both knew. I just ignore the messages that they give me. I am doing pretty good right now. I still dont have my children with me yet because I want to relocate and move to a whole new state becasue he is pretty much hooked up and linked up to some pretty dangerous people out here where I live so I feel that my life can still be in danger until I go someplace that I am completely unknown and unexpected for me to live. Then and only then will I bring my children back to live with me. And then and only then will I ever cut him off completely.
I wish you the best of luck and stay strong. I hope that he leaves you alone and that you dont have to stay with him out of fear for your familys life like I had to do. God Bless you and all the other women who have to go through this kind of situation.

prisoner WOW GOD BLESS YOU STAY STRONG AND RUN FORWARD NOONE DESERVES TO GO THROUGH WHAT YOU DID YOUR BETTER THAN ME I WOULD NOT OF SENT HIM JACK SQUAT WHILE HE WAS IN PRISON AFTER WHAT HE DID TO YOU YOUR VERY LUCKY TO BE ALIVE THE FIRST TIME A MAN PUTS HIS HANDS ON ANY WOMAN SHOULD BE THE LAST I WISH YOU ALL THE BEST IN GETTING YOUR LIFE BACK ONCE YOU GET FREE FROM A MAN LIKE THAT YOU SHOULD NEVER HAVE ANY TYPE OF CONTACT WITH HIM WHAT SO EVER CAUSE IN THIER SICK TWISTED MINDS THEY TURN IT AROUND TO THINK YOU STILL CARE GOD BLESS YOU NO MAN IS WORTH LOOSING THE MOST PRECIOUS GIFT GOD GAVE US (LIFE) FOR

To Prisoner
You know statistics show that you are more likely to be killed by your abuser when you leave him rather than when you stay. That doesn't mean you should stay either of course because eventually they get so abusive that the abuse may take your life. So you know how careful you have to be. I understand why you are "feeding" him things that he wants right now. It keeps him somewhat passivied until you can get your plan together. But make your plan girl and GO! Best of luck.

Thank you soo much for posting that!. I hope you don't mind if i print it out and send it to my hubby?. What you wrote about really touched me, thank you so much!.
I hope it makes my hubby realize how much his actions can hurt.

prisoner WOW GOD BLESS YOU STAY STRONG AND RUN FORWARD NOONE DESERVES TO GO THROUGH WHAT YOU DID YOUR BETTER THAN ME I WOULD NOT OF SENT HIM JACK SQUAT WHILE HE WAS IN PRISON AFTER WHAT HE DID TO YOU YOUR VERY LUCKY TO BE ALIVE THE FIRST TIME A MAN PUTS HIS HANDS ON ANY WOMAN SHOULD BE THE LAST I WISH YOU ALL THE BEST IN GETTING YOUR LIFE BACK ONCE YOU GET FREE FROM A MAN LIKE THAT YOU SHOULD NEVER HAVE ANY TYPE OF CONTACT WITH HIM WHAT SO EVER CAUSE IN THIER SICK TWISTED MINDS THEY TURN IT AROUND TO THINK YOU STILL CARE GOD BLESS YOU NO MAN IS WORTH LOOSING THE MOST PRECIOUS GIFT GOD GAVE US (LIFE) FOR

rmd4ever,
You are absolutely right. No woman should have to go through what I have gone through with this man. I sincerely regret the day I ever met this man. If I had it all to do over again I definitely would do it differently. The reason I told my story is hopefully to help out somebody else who might be in my situation. Or might fear that they are on the road to a situation such as what I have been through. You see I agree that no man or person is worth losing our life over. And I know that I shouldnt do anything for this animal. But really he is an evil person who is capable of alot of dangerous things if I dont play his good side as much as I possibly can until I am able to relocate completely. Even though he is in prison and is going to be in there for the next 12 years doesnt mean that he is completely harmless. You see this man has done a total of 24 years of his life in prison and he is only 43 years old. He is affiliated with the Mexican Mafia inside of those prison walls. So if he really wants to he can have somebody else reach out and touch me, if you know what I mean. When he was 17 years old he got busted for committing a double homicide and he did 17 years straight in prison. He didnt get out for the first time until he was 34 years old. Then he was only out for 3 months when he got busted for throwing somebody out a two story window and beating another person with a bat and paralyzed this person from the neck down. So he isn't scared to kill or permanently injure another human being. His father and other family members are affilliated too. And those family members live just a few miles from where I do even though they dont know that I am living so close to them. So I totally need to relocate and relocate to a state where I dont have ties to anyone because they would never think to look for me in a state that I dont have freinds or family members in. You know what I mean. SO until then I got to keep on doing what I am doing and support his evil ass until I can get someplace else. So that is what I am doing in order to survive. I still love him but to be honest with you I hate him more than I love him.I will break away from him completely very soon. And I just hope that he doesnt come and look for me when he gets out in twelve years or that he doesnt have anybody else try to find me while he is locked up. I dont want to have to live a life of looking over my shoulder for the rest of my life. Anyways, I want to thankyou for your words of encouragement and support.

To Prisoner
You know statistics show that you are more likely to be killed by your abuser when you leave him rather than when you stay. That doesn't mean you should stay either of course because eventually they get so abusive that the abuse may take your life. So you know how careful you have to be. I understand why you are "feeding" him things that he wants right now. It keeps him somewhat passivied until you can get your plan together. But make your plan girl and GO! Best of luck.

Thank you for giving me the statistics. I truly believe them to be absolutely true. I know that it doesnt mean that I should stay with him or any other man that choses to lay there hands on me. Because no person deserves to bein a relationship like that. I am just doing what I feel neccessary to do in order to survive right now. But thats it. As soon as I can I am gone. Thank you for your words of encouragement and for understanding and not judging.

Thank you soo much for posting that!. I hope you don't mind if i print it out and send it to my hubby?. What you wrote about really touched me, thank you so much!.
I hope it makes my hubby realize how much his actions can hurt.

I dont mind if you print it out and send it to your husband. I hope that maybe it can open up his eyes a little bit. If that is the case then I will feel alot better because that means something good came out of the hell I lived and still live through. Good luck to you and your hubby!

It's a good thing to have a plan and not to go into this without one. I admire the fact that you are setting up things on a permanent basis so that when you do make your move, it will stick. It took a lot of courage to share your story, thank you for doing so.

There are pleanty of shelters in state and out of state that you can look into going to.
http://www.ndvh.org/help/index.html


The first step would be to call and speak with someone about getting a safety plan together and come up with a game plan. There are ways to go into hiding where you will never be found regardless of his affiliations and ties. The other first step is being willing to let go of the "past" life and decide you are worth so much more then what you are getting. Its not easy and it takes a lot of work and decisions but like you said, one of these days you will die behind this.

Your story touched me so much. I think you will find that there are a lot of us who have been down similar roads and remember you are NOT alone and never ever have to be again.

http://www.sccbw.org/

Prisoner: WOW !!
I thought I had it bad, I guess it is true what they say. "look around there is someone who always has it worst off than you do" My heart and prayers go out to you and your children and your family. I do understand, why you do they things you do. Looking back, I think that I did things just so he wouldnt get pissed off at me, although it seems that I could never do anything right..
I am getting better day by day.. And I refuse to let him take over my life. I know my story is NOTHING compared to your and some others on here. But I refuse to give him my life.. I am taking it back!!! Carefully...
I dont judge you for what you are doing at all. BUT PLEASE MAKE YOUR BREAK AND DO IT BEFORE IT IS TO LATE.. YOU CAN GET AWAY IF YOU TRULY WANT TOO... 12 years may seem like a long time, but its not .. SO PLEASE DO WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO FOR YOU..
I dont feel like that my X will be like yours, hes to busy doing his street thing and getting high.. He will tell you that he loves to get high and that he loves the streets.. Not that I dont believe that he could do me harm, I just know that he likes doing that more, I take nothing for granted.. please keep me posted as to how you are doing.. and I will be praying for you. Thank you for sharing, it makes me more aware of how crazy the drug world is and makes me know that I dont want to be around it anymore ever.....
Do what you have to do, but dont forget about you in the mean time..
As for me, I had a good weekend, I went and cleaned my home during the day. And I am preparing to go home soon.. My son is doing well and when he asks about his Daddy , I just say he is sick and that I dont know if he will get better, my little boy wasnt home when all this was going on, Thank God!!!
But he has heard is Daddy scream at me, and his Daddy was mean to him at times by raising his voice, so for now he is ok with his Daddy not being at home. And I will find the time to let him know that the Daddy he once knew is no longer.. I pray that I havent done him ( my son damage) by allowing this addict into our lives once again...
I know that I will be ok, I just feel that God has his hands on me and my son and my family and our home... Dont ask me how, I just believe that with everything in me, I believe that...
Thanks for the support to everyone and to everyone else who is living in danger and harm... love you more than you love your abuser....

love Tina

prisoner Again God Bless You Girl I Want You To Know I Am So Sorry For You Or Anyone That Has To Live This Way I Pray For Your Happiness And For Your Road To Have A Peace Of Mind Once And For All I Hate That You Have To Live In Fear And Always Looking Over Your Shoulder And Not Being Nor Feeling Safe In Your Own Home ((((((((hugs)))))))) To You And Your Children You Deserve A Life Of Peace And Happiness

Tina I Pray Every Day For You And Hope All Is Well Im Okay Just Not Used To Sharing Lol Ill Keep You In My Prays Always Stay Strong As You Know God Will Bless You Trisha

It's a good thing to have a plan and not to go into this without one. I admire the fact that you are setting up things on a permanent basis so that when you do make your move, it will stick. It took a lot of courage to share your story, thank you for doing so.

There are pleanty of shelters in state and out of state that you can look into going to.
http://www.ndvh.org/help/index.html


The first step would be to call and speak with someone about getting a safety plan together and come up with a game plan. There are ways to go into hiding where you will never be found regardless of his affiliations and ties. The other first step is being willing to let go of the "past" life and decide you are worth so much more then what you are getting. Its not easy and it takes a lot of work and decisions but like you said, one of these days you will die behind this.

Your story touched me so much. I think you will find that there are a lot of us who have been down similar roads and remember you are NOT alone and never ever have to be again.

http://www.sccbw.org/

Sunnie,
Thanks again for your words of encouragement. You know I dont feel like I am a victim of his because I chose to be with him no matter what he did to me. Mostly out of fear but some of it was still out of love. I still have love for him, for the person he used to be before the drugs. I can and have made excuses for him and his behaviours most of our relationship. You see I felt bad for him because he is so institutionalized, that he doesnt know any better. He just knows how to survive in the prison system not out here on the streets. He had a brain anneurism the time before last while he was in prison. He was lifting to heavy of weights. Like 360 lbs or something and a blood vessel popped in his brain and he almost died. He had to learn how to eat and talk all over again. So I felt guilty and sad for him for that too. And tried to be in denial that perhaps that is why he did the things that he did to me. I fooled myself into thinking that perhaps because of the brain anneurism and the drugs mixed together along with whatever hell he had wwent through in the prison system for those two decades that is what made him do me the way he did me. But I can no longer make excuses for him. It is what it is. Right? I have no more compassion for him. He is a sick man and I dont see him ever getting better. I can not fix him like I thought that I once could. I am probably not making any sense here. Its just that I have so many different mixed emotions when it comes to him and that whole period of my life. So sometimes I ramble on and dont really realize if I am making any sense so please forgive me.
Anyways, Thanks for giving me the link to the shelters and stuff. And thank youfor your words of encouragement and support. I really appreciate it.
Kim

Prisoner: WOW !!
I thought I had it bad, I guess it is true what they say. "look around there is someone who always has it worst off than you do" My heart and prayers go out to you and your children and your family. I do understand, why you do they things you do. Looking back, I think that I did things just so he wouldnt get pissed off at me, although it seems that I could never do anything right..
I am getting better day by day.. And I refuse to let him take over my life. I know my story is NOTHING compared to your and some others on here. But I refuse to give him my life.. I am taking it back!!! Carefully...
I dont judge you for what you are doing at all. BUT PLEASE MAKE YOUR BREAK AND DO IT BEFORE IT IS TO LATE.. YOU CAN GET AWAY IF YOU TRULY WANT TOO... 12 years may seem like a long time, but its not .. SO PLEASE DO WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO FOR YOU..
I dont feel like that my X will be like yours, hes to busy doing his street thing and getting high.. He will tell you that he loves to get high and that he loves the streets.. Not that I dont believe that he could do me harm, I just know that he likes doing that more, I take nothing for granted.. please keep me posted as to how you are doing.. and I will be praying for you. Thank you for sharing, it makes me more aware of how crazy the drug world is and makes me know that I dont want to be around it anymore ever.....
Do what you have to do, but dont forget about you in the mean time..
As for me, I had a good weekend, I went and cleaned my home during the day. And I am preparing to go home soon.. My son is doing well and when he asks about his Daddy , I just say he is sick and that I dont know if he will get better, my little boy wasnt home when all this was going on, Thank God!!!
But he has heard is Daddy scream at me, and his Daddy was mean to him at times by raising his voice, so for now he is ok with his Daddy not being at home. And I will find the time to let him know that the Daddy he once knew is no longer.. I pray that I havent done him ( my son damage) by allowing this addict into our lives once again...
I know that I will be ok, I just feel that God has his hands on me and my son and my family and our home... Dont ask me how, I just believe that with everything in me, I believe that...
Thanks for the support to everyone and to everyone else who is living in danger and harm... love you more than you love your abuser....

love Tina

Tina,
Thank you for your words of encouragement and understanding my position. Yes it is true no matter how bad you think that you have it there is always somebody out there who has it worse off than you. That is a scary thought and reality, huh? I hope that things will work out for you and for your son. It is so hard when there is kids that are involved. You see before I sent my kids to go live with their father my kids were around him and his craziness too. And I hope that they arent permanently affected by what they saw and went through. I didnt know about what he was doing to them unti after him and I both got busted this time around. I mean I know that they heard all the yelling and screaming that he did at me and me crying all the time and telling him to stop hitting me but he never once hit the boys. But in my eyes he did alot worse to them then to hit them. I knew nothing fo this until about 5 months ago. They actually never told me themselves instead they told my mother. When Brian would take the boys out to shoot their BB Gun out in the desert he apparently made his own little bullseye target thingie for the boys to practice on. And on that target that he had made he had pasted a photo of me on it. He would tell them to shoot their mommy. When they would refuse he would scream at them and demand that they shoot their mommy in the head and kill the B---h! They would cry and refuse to do it and he would scream obscenities at them for not obeying his orders. That in itself caused me the most pain of all. They were definitely terrified of this monster. But I was to blind to see that. I was so afraid of him and in fear for our lifes I thought that they were safe around him because he never touched them but he mentally abused my children. And that is the worse type of abuse there is. Because when it comes to physical abuse the wounds heal and the scars fade away but when it comes to mental abuse that never completely heals no matter what. The memory is always going to be there. Right now they live in California and they live close to where he is at in the federal prison system and they are so scared to even live close by the prison for which he is in. So they have nightmares and have a hard time sleeping. It is a sad thing and it really breakss my heart. I just can pray for them and do whatever I can do to help them heal and recover. It is going to take time I know that and I have to have patience but boy I will always feel guilty for putting them in that situation even if I didnt know that it was going on. You know what I mean?
Thank you for feeling my pain and I truly hope that you are right about your husband not causing you anymore problems. i will be praying for you and please be careful. You just never know what a person is capable of when they are abusing drugs and especially when they are hard up for their next high.
Love,
Kim

prisoner Again God Bless You Girl I Want You To Know I Am So Sorry For You Or Anyone That Has To Live This Way I Pray For Your Happiness And For Your Road To Have A Peace Of Mind Once And For All I Hate That You Have To Live In Fear And Always Looking Over Your Shoulder And Not Being Nor Feeling Safe In Your Own Home ((((((((hugs)))))))) To You And Your Children You Deserve A Life Of Peace And Happiness

RMD4EVER
Thank you for your compassion! I am on my way to recovering from what I went through. It is going to be a long hard road but I am a strong woman and I know that I will survive and be okay. It will just take time. I know that we all deserve a peaceful life with lots of love and happiness. I am just learning to start to love myself again. I know that I am a good person on the inside and that I have alot to offer to a person and to the world I live in. And I aint bad looking neither and I am very smart educationally wise at least. I just havent made the right decision when it comes to choosing the man in my life. I am staying single for now. I am not ready for another man in my life as I really dont trust them right now. And even more than that I dont trust my own self when it comes to choosing a man for myself. Because boy was I fooled when it came to this monster. But a fool I am no more. I've got my eyes wide open and my ears on. I dont like to pass judgement on others but I definitely need to learn how to pick a much better and non violent type of man if I am to have a man in my life again. If not for myself but for my childrens sake. God Bless You and Your family.
love
Kim

Wow....my heart goes out to you....the past few weeks have been such a roller coaster. You definetly have a lot of love for this man...someday he will see that. Not to be defending him at all...but...losing one of your parents is very hard. My Mom passed away almost 2 years ago now. The pain is still very strong. I'm not surprised that Tat used the night his Father died...but it doesn't make it any easier. You've just got to take care of you and your son. You can't help someone who doesn't want to help himself...just know you did more than anyone can imagine for this man. Now it's time to help yourself...you sound like such a strong woman. I admire your strength. Hang in there girl...and pm me anytime...;)

Hello to all:
Just wanted to let you all know that I am doing ok as is my son.
I havent heard from Tat and I really dont expect too. Which is a blessing, its hard for me to blieve that I loved him that much and now I feel nothing. It amazes me how in just a short month and a half that drugs and himself can destory something that was once so wonderful.. I feel like the last 2 yrs of my life have been a lie..
But once again, I will not beat myself up over this.. ( I think he did that for me)
I plan on going home tonight and staying in MY HOME. My son and myself have been displaced long enough. I refuse to give into Tat another day.
I didnt get any calls at work yesterday and I honestly dont think I will today either or anyother day for that matter. Maybe some of you think I am being to laid back on this but I know, what I know and I think that everything will be
ok.. I have prayed and prayed and placed angels all around my home, my son, my self, my loved ones, and my world.. I truly believe God will see me through this..
During all this and the chances that Tat was given, the first heart attack, the second one, leaving on the streets, using, you name it, I thought that God was trying to give him a wake up call and then last night it came to me..
As if some voice in my head was telling me....
Tina its your wake up call... take your life back.. I give you life...
Please hear my call.. and you know what I did...
I believe that God was giving me the wake up call and not Tat...
Tat is where he wants to be and that is sad, but I cant cry anymore and I cant hurt anymore.. I dont have time...
I have a life to live and a child to raise..
And I know that I will love again.. only this time
BIGGER AND BETTER AND IT WILL BE A REAL LOVE NOT SOME
PRISON LOVE FOR SOME ADDICT THAT DOESNT GIVE A DAMN..
I am sorry if that sounds rude or crude but its the way I feel, I will always have a place for the Sweet Tat that I use to go and visit but not for the one that walked out of the gates on that Aug 20 day 2005.. my Tat is gone..

I pray that all who have never spent time with the person they are seeing or in love with. Will please becareful.. I knew of Tat before he went in, and then he saved my life... PLEAE he tried to take my life..
I just warn all the women and men to be careful when it comes to an inmate esp. if you have never known them on the streets...

much love and blessing to you all
and thanks for the support...
love and prayers
Tina

GOOD LUCK! I WISH YOU AND YOUR SON THE BEST AND I WILL BE PRAYING FOR YOUR SAFETY IN YOUR HOME. GIRL I AM HOPING THAT YOU WILL BE VERY CAREFUL! AS YOU KNOW I HAVE GONE THROUGH HELL THESE PAST FEW YEARS MYSELF AND I DONT KNOW IF I WILL EVER TRULY BE SAFE FROM HIM EVEN WHEN HE IS LOCKED UP! SO PLEASE JUST KEEP YOUR EYES OPEN AND DONT TAKE THE PEACE AND CALMNESS FOR GRANTED BECASUE YOU CAN NEVER PUT ANYTHING PAST A PERSON WHO IS IN ACTIVE ADDICTION OF DRUGS AND ALCOHOL.
MY WARMEST REGARDS TO YOU AND YOUR SON,
PRISONERuvLOVE
KIM

Prisoner,
I know that I must be careful.. Trust me, I take nothing for granted. I know
the only thing is I know that he doesnt want to go back to jail or prison andhis best friend is not going to let him come near me. And I have protection if I have to use it, I will.. I know what you are saying to me as does everyone else and it probley will be a restless night for me, but I will be home and thats what I want..
Take care...

Tina

Take Care To Tina! I Really Do Wish You The Best And I Am Glad That You Are At Home Where You And Your Son Belong!

tina You Know Im A Phone Call Away You Be Careful And Stay Safe For Your Son But I Am Glad That You Are Taking Your Life Back Into Your Hands And Not Allowing Tat To Control You With Fear Just Be Extra Careful While Doing So And Dont Take Anything For Granted Dont Let Your Guard Down To Fast Just Be Aware At All Times Im Here For You When You Need Me And When You Dont Prisoner You Have To Do Something And Fast For Your Sake And Peace Of Mind You Need And Deserve Your Life Back Get The Help You Need To Start This Process Dont Feel Sorry For Him Any Longer You Come First As Do Your Children They Deserve Their Mom Back Stay Safe And Focused God Bless !!!!!! Sometimes Blessings Are Un Answered Prayers

:( I'm so sorry for you and I know how you hurt. To live with an addict is to live in hell. My beloved sister was an addict since she was 15yrs old. She married and had four boys and did drugs the whole time. She ended up marring three diffrent times and each one was worse than the last. Well Jan 3rd of this year she died of a overdose. How many times we fought over this is to many to count. It did no good as she always continued to do them evan after she promised she wouldn't. Well now she's gone and we all miss her so much but that was the life she choice to live. It makes me so mad:angry: as it could of been so diffrent. You hang in there and be strong. Do for yourself as he is the onley one who can change if he so desires. But he has to do it for himself or it will never work. God Bless you and your son and I will keep all of you in my prayers!!:cry:

BBS MOM,
I am so sorry for the lost of your sister. That is my fear for Tat , he is been told that he cant use again or he will die.. I am sure he doesnt have long to live. Which is a sad thing, cause like yourself I think things could have been so different...
But I also know that he has to want to change... and I cant be the one to do that for him.. I think that he does want to change but, he doesnt know how or the will just isnt there. I have seen it at times, but that is very few and far between.. Truth is he loves the streets and he loves the drugs ..
As for me, if they did come tell me he was dead perhaps in a small way it would be a blessing.. I know you dont understand that and it may sound cruel but its the way I feel.. I am way over the hurt and the crying..
Now I want to live and be done with the Tat that I now know...
Thank you for your PM and again I am so sorry for the lost of your sister.
Hopefully she is at peace within herself now...

I realize that I need to do something for myself and for that of my boys and that is what I am in the process of doing. It just takes a little bit of time. I know that he is a dangerous man and I am done with him and it is over with between us that is a fact but it will take me a little of time to make sure that I am able to get away from him without him causing me any harm or any harm to my kids or other family members. So until thenI have to do what I have to do to make him think that everything is kind of cool between us. You know what I mean. But thanks for your words of support and encouragement I truly appreciate it.
Kim

I am sorry for the loss of your sister.

Just wanted to update you on ME!!!
yes me, not Tat but ME!!!
I have spent 2 nights in my home, very sleepless but 2 nights none the less.
I have not heard from him, nor do I care too...
He is where he wants to be, he is an addict and there is no money in this world, no words that I can say, no love that I can give that will ever ever change that, unless he wants to... and is willing too.
I use to think, that my love and our son was enough.. I have learned so different and it took a beating for me to see this.. and know this..
It will be along time before I can forget this and the last month and a half since he came out of prison.. I wish that I could forget the last 2 yrs of my life.. but I cant.. I can however learn and learn that I am not God I have no special gifts that will make him or anyone else want to change. Even God can only do so much if a person is not willing to change and do what it takes to fight..
I am learning everyday that what he does and what he did is not my fault and I pray those of you that have loved ones that are addicts come to know
this too..
We all our given choices in our lifes.. its up to us.. even the addicts have a choice...
As for me and my son we are getting stronger everyday and we are living our lifes as we did before.. to me he is gone away, dead, back in prison, not here.
My son, asks about him and I tell him that his "Daddy is sick and may never come back to see him" Thats a hard thing to tell a 5 yr old..but its the truth.
Something we all should seek....

much love and blessings
Tina

Tina,
I Just Wanted To Tell You That I Am Proud Of You And I Only Hope That I Can Be As Strong As You, In My Journey To Completely Break Things Off With The Monster In My Life. You Are Truly An Inspiration To Me And I Just Wanted To Let You Know That. Take Care And Keep Up With The Updates. I Really Look Forward To Hearing How Your Doing. Every Night I Continue To Pray For Myself And Also For You And All The Other People In The World That Are Suffering.
Best Wishes To You And Your Son.
Sincerely,
Kimberly

Prisoner: You touched me with your post... To know that some good has come out of this for someone else and that I give someone else the want to do better for themselves, just over takes me....
I am trying very hard to stay strong.. somedays I miss "THE TAT" that I know.. And as soon, as those thoughts come to mind..I rememeber the horrible person that I saw that day, he beat me.. and I am past that. I cant think about the good times, that makes me very weak.. I think of all the hurt and how my son and I do not deserve any of it.. I am still scared and I still watch everything and everyone around me.. but I am doing it!!!
And I know that you can to, IF moving to another state is what you have to do then do it.. You seem like such a wonderful person and you and your boys deserve more than the life you have lived.. I understand everything that you have posted on here and like most I do know why you do what you do.. But I also know that you have to make that break sooner or later.. Do what is good for you now..
I plan on keeping up with the posts and letting everyone know how I am doing.. Today is a new day and for today ...
I am doing great .... I am truly blessed..
Thank you for your support and I pray that you will find your path and make yourself happy.. Hey you could always come to Sunny Florida !!! (smile)
Take care and God Bless you and your loved ones
For everyone else...
Much Blessings and love

Tina

TatsBaby,
Thank you for your words of encouragement once again. ANd to be honest with you I love Sunny Florida but I will just probably go there to visit here and there. Keep being strong and dont let nobody get you down. You seem to be a great mother and you seem to have your head on straight. Don't ever let him pull you back into his life. You deserve much better than that. We all do.

I know how you feel sometimes addicts just cant answer why they do such things, thats why its a disease. I pray for you though and hope you find the answers you are searching for.

Thanks Nodoubt.. it is a disease.. but one that can be treated if one wants the help. My hubby doesnt..
Just wanted to let everyone know that I made it through the weekend and everything was ok. I went to court today for my restraining order and they still cant find him to serve him. But the judge granted me more time, which is a good thing. I went to my sons football game this weekend and even though they lost 1 to 3 he was the only one that got a touch down so I was quite proud of him... (He plays Pee wee flag) we are getting ready for his birthday.. and halloween he was born on the 30th and we always have his birthday on halloween.. so we are busy with that.
He doesnt ask much about his father, and if he does I just say he is sick and may not be back for a long time. I am having a hard time wondering if he ever loved us at all. My life seems like a lie, I dont know how he can live with himself (TAT) I heard that he is living with another woman? And I believe it,
another victim I guess.. I feel sorry for her. But I dont worry about it at all...
I am getting better everyday...
just wanted to let you all know, thanks for all your support and prayers
I still need them...

much love and blessing
Tina

Hey Girl Glad To Hear All Is Good With you and Your Son I Keep You In My Prays And That Living With Another Woman You Know The Saiyng "bird Of A Feather Flock" Together Dont Feel Sorry For Them Its All About you and yours Trisha

Hey Tina, Don't let that crap about him living with another woman get to you! You and your son are better off without him now that he is a totally different person than what he was when you two originally had gotten together. Good luck with the restraining order and the court thingy! I pray for you every night and for your son! Things are going good for me right now. I have 98 days clean and serene. and I also get off of House Arrest in one more day! I am really looking forward to that. My life is about to start! A better life! My oldest son is also moving back in with me in one more day which is the same day that I get off of House Arrest! I am truly excited! It's been a long six months of this House Arrest crap and being in jail! Things are finally starting to look up for me and my kids! There is a saying that we say in NA and I would like to share it with you! SO here goes "Don't give up before the Miracle Happens!" I wish you the best and keep us posted and I will do the same!
Sincerely,
Kim

Prisoner::
Congrats!!!! I think that is wonderful!!!!! You go girl!!!
I know that you are so excitted, heck I am excitted for you!!!
Thank you for sharing that saying.. I am waiting on my mircale and I wont give up till I get it, even if I got to make it for myself..
Good luck and keep up the good work, and if you ever get to Fla. look me up!
I will keep everyone posted..

KAINZ:I know what you are saying, still hurts but not as bad as it did, in the beginning.. I know that it is over, just feel really stupid somedays, but then again.. I loved and thats nothing to feel stupid about, it is he that screwed everything up...not me... even though he says it was all my fault, I have learned though that an addict doesnt except their wrongs, untill they are in recovery.. so be it.. I will survive......
I got your number and will call you ....

Much love and blessing to everyone..

love Tina

j

Just an update...
I just wanted to let everyone know how I am doing.. This week has been rough but I am making it thourgh it..
Yesterday, I checked my mail and there was a bill in there from the carrier of my cell phone service, so I opened it, not looking at whom it was for.
Well it was Tats new cell phone and there was the number, I still havent figured out why he had it sent to my home, because he got it on the first of Oct and he hasnt lived at my home since the middle of Sept..
I think it was so I would have the number, but any how I was shocked to see his number and hurt and angry and you name it , I felt it..
well of course, I called it, after I blocked my new number from him being able to see it.. I know some of you may not understand that, but I had to hear his voice, not to know that he was ok.. but to know that I made the right choices..
And yes , he answered and no I didnt say a word, just listened to him talk like he was so street wise and cuzz because I wasnt saying a word...
I felt sad, and I wanted to scream at him and ask him WHY!!! but I didnt
I just remembered the day he hit me, the day I pulled from those drug houses and I know that he is right back in those nasty things with those nasty people and I hung up..
That was all it took for me to know that I made the right choices .. I will miss him and I do love him but I love the person that I know, and he is long gone..
I did cry myself to sleep last night and that hurt alot.. somedays I feel like I will never find someone to truly love me and I feel like there is something wrong with me.. but I know that its not me, now if I will find someone to love me well I dont know about that one.. I have a lot of healing to do and I hurt but I will be ok.. I know this...
My son is doing good.. he was brushing his teeth this morning and saw his Daddys tooth brush and he wanted to know if his Daddy needed his tooth brush? I told him I didnt know. He asked me was he still sick and I told him yes..And he got this sad look on his face and he asks me would I ever leave him like his Daddy and I told him no.. That even though his Daddy isnt here he still loves him very much..he smiled and said I hope Daddy bought him another tooth brush.. and I hope he gets better someday.. and then he wrapped his little arms around my neck and told me he loved me and he then gave me a hug and then he gave me one for his Daddy.. I fought back the tears ... and wondered why in the hell all this had to happen???

Much love and blessing
Tina

Hi Tina - you're doing your grieving - how could you not? But it's fading a little, and will keep on going, until you only see it in the rearview mirror. And then it will just be gone - promise.

Meanwhile - you're doing great. Keep it up!

Hugs

Hi Tina! and everyone else too!
Just wanted to say that nimuay is so right. There are so many stages that you go through and sometimes it's one step forward and two steps back but it doesn't matter because once you know that you're walking away then you just keep on going...

Hello everyone...
I am doing so much better, I had a really good weekend, I went out to eat with my whole family and I know now how much they love me and missed me and was only worried about me..
I still havent heard from him, dont want too.. but I do have his new cell # seems he made sure the bill came to my home, even though he got the cell after he left.. he had the bill sent to my home, I am sure it was so I would have it.. Dont worry.. I havent used it and dont want to or intent too.. What I do, do is when I get that feeling sorry for myself feelings, which arent coming to offend anymore... I block out my cell number and call his number and listen to his drugged up !@#$ and know that I am so much better off without him... sounds strange but it has worked..
I am getting stronger by the minute...
Thank you all for your support and love

Much love and blessings
Tina

Well you are doing the right thing and we are all very proud of you. You will get threw this and be a better person for it. We will all try to keep the support going so you know you will always have this place to lean on and to help you stay strong.
Hugs,

:( I can deffintly relate to this. I have never dealt with drugs until I met my fiance. We moved to Californa to start our lives over. But, he met some people who had what he like. He hide it away from me for three weeks, until someone came to me(the person he got it from) and told me. I was sooooo angry and hurt. I asked him about it and he put it on his dead grandma's grave he didn't do it. I didn't know what or who to believe, but I knew the girl who told me sounded so sorry and insencre. He finally told me the truth(after i drill it in him) He said he wanted to take it to his grave before telling me. I would have never thought, my rickey would lie to me, not to mention do drugs. To make a long story short, he did it agian to me, lied about it, but told the truth at the end. Someone even told me they saw him walking with the biggest crack addict in LA. but he told me he happen to walking beside her trying to rush to me. anyways he's back in prison for violating his parole. I don't understand what goes on in the minds of an addict. He has been clean for some time now(before he got loc up) I don't consider him an addict. He's told me how he use to sell his belongings before we met.
Anyways i'n inlove. But i know how you feel!

Thanks for all the PM's and the post.. I am making it one day at a time..
It is hard but I am doing it..
Still nothing from Tat and I dont know if he is alive or dead, but like I said I dont care... I can call that # and listen to him and that is enough for me to know that I dont want to ever be there again..
will he ever get help? I dont know, but I know I have to worry about me and my son now. As I see it, he was given uncondional love from me and our son and God .. perhaps God wont give up on him but I have and so has his son..
Thats pretty sad...

hey Tina Whats Up Girl? Hows It Feel To Be Un Co Dependant? If You Call And Listen To Him Tina Then You Know Hes Alive Lol You Know Im Just Messing With My Girl Im So Happy For You That Your Life Is Now Back In Your Hands You Have Stayed Strong And Focused Im So Proud And Happy For You That You Took Your Life And Got Back In Control Of It For You And My Lil Man BECAUSE Me And Him Are Gonna Throw NOBALLS At You When He Comes To See Aunt Sheila In Chicago Lol You Keep The Faith And Read That Book When Your Feeling Down And You Will Always Find The Strength You Need No Matter What The Situation Might Be Loveeeeeeee You And My Lil Man Later Tina Sheila

I love you Sheila Mae!!!!!!!!

i Love You Too Tina Marie

Hello "TATBABY NOMORE" so so proud of you. you got your head on straight now!!LOOK OUT!!! shee's baaack. One foot in front of the other just keep on stepin. and don't look back.Its "Tina's World" now. Go and get it girl. My prayers are with you I am so excited for you. God has many blessing for you ahead. Sincerly ANNA

Tats,
Stay strong!! Trust me, there are gonna be good days and bad days. YOU gotta remember those bad days. You may try journaling---starting in the past, Reread past stores often.

Give your son a big hug from PTO!

ONE

you are an inspiration to me and I know you can do it. We are so lucky to have such a strong support group here.

Hello everyone!!!
I just wanted to let you know how things were doing in my life...
I packed the rest of his things and left them on my porch for his sister to come by and get. Funny thing was she called and asked me "To please give his clothes back that his dear father had bought and the ones she bought"
I dont have any of them!!! All I had was some shorts and a tank top which I bought and I gave to my brother, seems to me, I had that right. I was so mad!!!
So I told his sister, out of no disrespect to you or his dead father but what about my cell phones he took (2) and the jwelery and the car and how about while we are at it 2 yrs of my life and my sons life??
I had to control myself so much on that phone with her and her hubby.. But I also let her know that he is like he is because all these years his whole family has enabled him to do as he pleases and they believe everything out of his mouth.. And that even though, she knows what he is she still takes up for him.Yes that is her brother but when do you start letting a 40 yr old man be responsible for his life?
I put the stuff out there and it was like ok last chapter, last page, done....
and the strange thing is today is Sept 20.... 2 months to the dated that it all started when he came home on Aug 20...
I do believe that..................that my friends is a very good sign.......
Oh just wanted you all to know ...
I have a date this friday..........
He is a wonderful man, I know it may be too soon for it, but I think I need it..
It was hard for me to say yes because of everything, but then I thought why not?? Hes so nice and so much not like any man I have known before and hes
13 yrs younger than me but seems like hes 13 yrs old.. hey if Demi can do it so can I!!!!

love me
Tina

P.S
Shelia thanks for listening to me girl... I am getting stronger and learning to do what that book says... I love you

It will make you feel good to have a man appreciate you. Go on your date and have a blast. You only have to do what you feel comfortable with and you are getting on with your life, congratulations.
p.s. make sure he is not an addict !!!!

Just to let you all know..
That I am doing just fine. I still have my hard days and my good days, but I am moving on with my life. I am learning to take it one day at a time..
I have talked to Tat and I pray that he is taking care of himself,but I know now that its his problem not mine.
I didnt go on that date, But I did go and have dinner this past sunday with
my childhood sweet heart.. We dated when we were in school and even lost a child when we were 16... a son.. so we get together ever now and then, around this time, cause Our son would have been born in Oct..
I had a wonderful time and we talked about what had went on with Tat and I
and my friend told me, that I was a very special person and that I deserved so much more. He made me feel speical and even though we arent together now and havent been in almost 30 yrs .. we still are very good friends..
and I remembered what it was like to have a real love in your life..
Hope that makes sense to everyone...
I am planning on writing a book not about Tat and I, but about my friend and our realtionship... I think that people will like it..
may never get published but will be for me and a few good friends that I have..
Take care to you all and many blessing

I think this will be my last post in on this..
cause I am moving on....

love
Tina

Tina,
Congrats to you! I have been following your posts and although i haven't responded much you have been in my thoughts and prayers. You are such a strong woman and I'm happy for you that you have re-found your friend. It's always nice to have good friends right? I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your son but I am sure he is looking over you and is very very proud of the woman that you are.
Again Big ups to you and live happily for you and your Son.

Thank you.. that is why we get together ... do celebrate our son...
we know that he is an angel in heaven..
hard to believe that I would have had a 27 yr old son..
but life goes on and there are reasons for everything under the sun...

Wow! What an impact you made on those who picked up on this thread. :) You set a tone for so many people that simply put forward the pain and heartache that drugs create in our lives. It seemed so simple, posting your feelings, yet you turned out to be an inspiration to many.




I have more to say Tina but have suddenly been called back to motherhood so hold that thought. Many love you and hold you dear.

Blue horse you are way to much!!!!
So is everyone on this forum, I love you all...
Its not eazy by any means and sometimes I am not that strong.
But I do the best I can do.. Today I went to my sons Halloween party at his
school.. and I thought I hope and pray by the time these little ones grow up to be young men and women that someone has made a difference in their lives and that they dont go down the wrong road.. My son handed me a
paper saying that he had chose to be drug free.. ( the dare program)
and he said " Mommy, I dont wanna ever do drugs, because the drugs took my good Daddy away from you and me, and left us with a bad Daddy and now we have no Daddy. So I dont wanna ever do drugs, drugs make you sad Mommy and I dont want you to be sad,ever again." I smiled and told him I loved him, and that even though his Daddy is sick, he loves him the best he can. And he looked at me and said" yea Mommy, I know but he loves drugs more than us, I dont wanna ever love something more than I love you"
Out of the mouth of babes, is all I can say..

TAKE CARE AND GODS BLESSING TO YOU ALL
I LOVE YOU ALL
Tina

Tatsbaby wow, I am sitting here and I read all tihs. You have been through alot, and I hope you stay strong. I left my drugged out ex while my kids were still young, so it never got that far. But I told my kids not to hate their father, and to always pray for him because he was sick. And now its ten years later, and he too has had two heart attacks. From what I understand he is clean and sober, but that doesn't matter to me. Cause I moved on a long time ago. I can say my kids are drug free, and don't plan on doing drugs. It hasn't been an easy road, but I made it. And I know you will too. PM me anytime, I'll be there for you. And at first my daughter said not to reply to you, because you're moving on and you don't need to be in this thread no more. But you're such a strong person that I think you should keep people updated, so that maybe your strength and testimony will help somebody else's life. And save a child from seeing their parent abused. Take care. <3 And love to all the women who have been through so much. :)

Sherry,
Thanks for the post.. I havent been here in a while.. cause I am moving on..
but I wanted to come back and let everyone know how things are going..
I am doing fine, having my good days and my bad days..
My son just had his 6th birthday and Tat sent some money to me through his sister so that he would have a good birthday.. ( or so his sister said) any ways it was most helpful.. Tat did call the day before his birthday this was the 29th of Oct he called.. My sons birthday was on the 30th.. when he called he asked to speak to my son, and I let him.. my son misses his Daddy very much.. I refer to him as my son, cause I dont feel that Tat deserves to be called Daddy any longer.. you cant be a part time Dad... esp when you are out of prison and on the streets.. in fact he was a better Dad when he was in prison... My son asked him why he wasnt coming to his party and Tat told him cause I wouldnt let him..my son hung up and started crying and screaming at me.. I was very upset.. because after everything that has happened I have not onced said one bad thing about Tat to my son.. I had to finally sit my son down and explain to him just how sick his Dad was, drugs and all.. I think he understood even at 6 because at school they had just went through the drug program D>A>R>E... and he learned alot..
So then after that Tat called back and wanted to know if he could come and get my son on Sunday and spend the afternoon with him.. I told him I would meet him as long as he wasnt high.. He wanted no part in that, said he didnt want to see me cause I called the cops on him.. I asked him what was I suppose to do, when he was beating me and holding me against my will.. you know he swears he doenst remember this.. I wonder.. anyways that was the last that we heard from him.. his phone is shut off and I dont really want to call his sister and asked her anything.. Lord knows she has been through enough too.. My son and I pray for Tat everynight.. and I wont sit here and tell you that it has been eazy cause it hasnt .. but I refuse to live that life or let my son..
There are days when I am ok and there are days I miss the Tat that I knew so much.. I even miss the dang visits to the prison.. writing the letters, all of it.. but I pray for a much better life for me and my son and know that I have that now.. and that it will get better..
I want to start dating again, but I am scared and dont know if I trust any man be he in prison or out..
so for now I am doing ok and healing and learning that I did all I could do and that it was the best I could do and that Tat made his on choices..
My son said it best...
"Mommy, Daddy loves his drugs more than he loves us,, he didnt even try"
and my son is right he didnt... but I know that I did..
Tat will face his demons some day some way and some how..
I only pray that its not in death, which is what I feel will happen sooner or later..

take care and God bless each of you and your loved ones
thanks for all the support

love Tina

Tina, I really admire you strength and sticking to your guns not to mention getting your priorities straight. That can be so hard to do sometimes when faced with stuff like this. Please come back when you can and let us know how things are improving.
Your son and yourself are in my prayers and so is Tat, he will need them. Its in his hands and Gods hands now and you will have to start enjoying your new life. You dont need to rush out dating, get to know your happy self again and feel comfortable with it. Though a bit of attention from a well meaning admirer never harms a lady but take things slow.

big hugs and belated happy birthday to your son

:wave:Hello :wave:
just a little wave to show you love
and again thank-you for sharing
sorry that you had and others who will go through the pain that drugs put one in, Take care
love and support to all
:grouphug: :grouphug: :love: :grouphug: :grouphug:

Hello everyone just me with another update....
My son and I are doing well, healing everyday..
My son won 2 trophys last week at his football brunch..
He got an award for playing and then he got the MVP award..
was I ever happy ...
But of course my son was wondering why is Daddy wasnt there..
once again I just told him he was sick and left it at that..
I took pictures and he wants to send his Daddy one, I guess that I will send them to Tats sister since I dont have a clue as to where to send them!!!
His best friend that tried her best to help him, get clean called me and said she was sorry, when I asked her for what.. she said I can only imagine the hell he put you through.. seems he has turned on her after all these years
18 to be exact and has and still is weaving a web of self destruction..
hes using daily.. she cant stand to see him kill himself and he and her got into it when she tried to interven.. she cant do anything now and she knows this..
she said she heard on the streets that he is carrying guns, selling dope,stealing and shooting about about 40 cc a day sometimes 2 to 3 times a day.. Ice mixed with herion.. God help is soul is all and say and pray and pray.. I know that is meds run out in the middle of next month and I know he doesnt have a clue as to how to get them. But then I stop and think..
" Tina there is nothing you can do about it, he has to help himself and if hes not willing , there is nothing you or anyone else can do about it" And then I pray God please help me the day they come and tell me he is dead.. what will I say to my son.. I also pray that before he dies God sends him back to jail and prison. so that he doesnt have to die on the streets..
I do believe that he has a death wish now more than ever..
His best friend said the last time they talked .. he told her that he honestly loved me and that little boy more than anything in this world, and that he wish he wasnt so sick in his mind and his body and such an addict that he could have lived the life that he had.. that he knew he had hurt me so very much and yet still I have concern for him ( and I do) that I was truley is Angel from God and that he would never love another like he loved me..
I dont know what to say...

much love and blessings
Tina

Hello to everyone..
I hope all had a wonderful and blessed Thanksgiving. As for myself and my son, we did!!
Not to say that it wasnt hard but it was a blessed one.
Now its hard to believe that this month is almost over with..
As always, I got my once a month phone call from Tat. I knew, I would sooner or later. He called, to tell me that he loved me and Zac very much and that he was so sorry that he couldnt be the person that he wanted to be or the person that we needed him to be. He told me, I deserved so much more than what he had been able to give me. I listen and I cried but I knew what he was saying was so right. And it was very hard..
I asked about his meds for his heart, I know that he is down to about 2 wks worth. He said he really didnt care, and that he prayed everyday that God would take him and that he wouldnt burn in hell. He said he has lost and hurt the most important people in his life and that he really didnt care. He wanted to die. I tried to talk to him, but then I reliazed that there is nothing I can say or do for him, it is up to him. I told him to please take care of himself the best way he could.
I do believe that he meant everything that he said to me, and I now know that he loved me the best he could and that he does love me and ZAC.
BUT.. I also know that there is help out there for him, if he chooses to take it.
I dont know the reason behind his call. I didnt offer any help and I wont!!
I love him with all my heart and soul. but its time to love me and my son and that is what I am doing.. Its hard but I believe GOD HAS GOOD THINGS IN STORE FOR ME ..
I pray every night that God puts Tat back into jail. I dont want him to die on the streets.. I think the pain,hurt, and love for him and what could have been will be with me along time, but I will someday put it where it needs to be.
It is just so sad for me that he has that much pain that he doesnt care about himself..
Try being where I am it is not easy, but I cant and wont get pulled back in.
I looked back on things and I have to say that this Thanksgiving ......
I am thankful that I had Tat in my life to love and to be able to say,
That perhaps he felt love for once in his life, and that I loved like I have never been able to love before.. For that I am thankful...
Please keep him in your prayers.. and pray that he finds his way from the dark. Or that he goes back to jail and even prison.. you all may not understand that, but it would be best for him.
Thank you all for being there for me and showing me the support that you have..
For my friends at PTO I am most thankful...

much love and blessings
Tina
__________________
I'm moving on.......
I'v dealt with my ghosts and faced all my demons.
Finally content with the past that I regret
I found that you find strength in your moments of weakness
For once I am at peace with myself
I've been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long.......
I'm moving on.......

Feels like today.......
I woke up this morning
with this feeling inside me, that I cant explain
like a weight that I've carried , had been carried away.
But I know something is coming
I dont know what it is
But I know its amazing , and can save me,
and my time is coming
I 'll find my way out
of this long drought....
And it feel like today....

IS BETTER TO HAVE KNOWN HOW TO LOVE THAN TO HAVE NEVER LOVED AT ALL....

TODAY I TOOK BACK MY LIFE AND STARTED LOVING ME.....

TAT$BABYNOMORE.....
Last edited by TATSBABY : Today at 08:17 AM.

Tina it is good to know that you and your son are doing well.. I hope that things keep going well for the both of you.. I understand what you mean by you wish that he would go back to jail. It is not mean thing cause you only want him to get help. Hang in there and keep us posted on you!! You have been though alot and things are slowly getting better for you and you understand that he can only help "himself" and that is a hard thing to learn..... HUGS to you and Zac

God Bless you and your son....you are in my prayers

tina Everyday Is A Step Closer To You Healing Within You Know I Want Only The Best For You Cause Thats What You Deserve The Very Best One Day All This Will Be Very Far Behind You And You Will Eventually Meet The Right Man For You And Zac God Bless You Both Hang In There Girl I Love You

(((((Tat'sBaby))))

As I read this, the thing that really stuck out to me the most is how you've done what's right for you and your son, as well as for Tat...you are a strong woman, and as hard as it is to take away their soft spot to land, it's the best thing, and the most loving thing, you could have done for him.

I'll keep Tat in my prayers, and a candle lit for him.

Trisha

Hello Everyone and Merry Christmas...

Well its almost Christmas, and I just wanted to give everyone an update as to how everything is going in my life..
I am doing alright and so is my son. I have been working and getting ready for Christmas.
I have not had any contact with Tat other than a phone call here and there.
He did call last Thursday, I think it was.. Just to say hello and check on us.
His sister had just gotten his heart meds for you, and I guess you can say, in his own little sick mind, he thought that he was now 10 ft tall and bullet proof because he had them.. ( he thinks as long as he takes the meds he is ok, thats not true..)
his heart is only pumping at 20% and the taking the herion, meth doesnt help..
and I am sure it doesnt help that he shoots them as well....
but he thought that...
we talked just for a little while...
He once again told me he loved us and that he never meant to hurt us, but not in any of our conversation to he talk about getting help.. he told me that he was ready to die.. that he had hurt the people that loved him the most and that he was tired.. and just didnt care anymore...
I had to fight back the tears but told him, I prayed for his recovery and soul everyday and night.. that I hoped someday he found self worth and reliazed
he was worth fighting for..
He once again, asked me what it was that I saw in him, that he couldnt see in himself.. and I simply said,,, a human being..
I told him that I loved him and always will. He asked to speak to "his son"
and I didnt say anything.. the phone he was using went dead and I havent heard from him since..
I have been having bad dreams and thoughts and I am so afraid that as
Christmas day gets closer he will OD... I just have this very strange feeling..
I woke up screaming about a week ago at around 3 am in the morning...
I heard a man saying " help me, someone help me please" it was so real it was scary.. the same night I spoke with him, he told me that his chest had started hurting him the very morning I had that dream.. that was very scary to me..
SO I dont know what will be come of Tat just keep him in your prayers and thoughts..
I still wonder how people have so much pain that they feel they are no good for nothing??????

Have a blessed and Merry Christmas

Tina

Hope all is well with everyone..
As for me, not to much new...
I met with Tat last night, and got some answers that I was looking for.
And finally for once, I was able to leave him and not cry..
I finally understood who and what he is...
It has taken a very long time for me to do that..
Tat is who , he is.. I cant and wont judge him on the life he lives, just because I feel or need him to be something he is not.. He tried and could not and I cant fault him for that.. Not that it doesnt break my heart to see someone killing themselves but I understand now...
He isnt doing so good and has had several small heart pains, I believe that it is only a matter of time before he dies, and so does he.. He said he wanted to make things right with me before he goes and that he loves me and that he loves his son.. I told him when he hugged me that I was angry with him, and he said he was angry with himself also , but to understand he is where he wants to be.. is it a sickness yes, is it an honest answer yes.. and for that I cant hate him.. and wont
He and I and ZAC had dinner together last night and it was nice.. he asked me to please forgive him and I told him I did...
I am glad and very thankful for last night, because when he is gone and I will have a happy memory of him now..
I cried but for only a brief time, it saddens my heart to know that he is so lost that he wants to die to keep from feeling the pain.. and thats what he told me.
If I could change things for him, I would be I cant.. All I can do is pray for him and pray for his recovery and if that doesnt happen.. Then I pray that when he finally does leave this earth that some how some way he finds peace....
and that he is not sick or tormented any longer..
I got a really good Christmas Present last night.. for a few hours I got
"MY SWEET TAT" back...
But I also was Thankful that God took me and spared me from his life style..
I have learned quite alot from Tat some good and some bad.. I choose not to dwell on the bad any longer and even though Tat and I will never ever be as one again.. I know that he is a very important part of my past and I will always love him for the person that I saw when the drugs werent there...

To all of you.. I pray that this Christmas you get blessed as I did last night,
It truly was a blessing and I dont know how to explain that...
But I am a peace now...
and I believe that even though he is not clean and still and addict in some small way I believe that Tat is too....

God bless you all and Merry Christmas....

Merry Christmas to you too Tattsbaby. I hope that that peace you feel will be with you and your son always and that Tatt will find a way to help himself.
Hugs (you have come a long way in the opposite direction from addiction)

Tina I'm glad that you found peace with all that you have gone though with him. you have come along way.And I wish nothing but the best for you and your son. and of course TAT!!

Hey Tina
Long Time Glad You Are Doing Well My Nightmare Just Began Lol
But Im One Smarter And Love Sucks Merry Christmas & Happy Happy New Year Trisha

Happy New Years to Everyone!!!

This will be my last post on this ....
I just wanted to let you all know how much I love you all and to say thank you for all the support .. that I have gotten from you all.

2005 has been a rough one for me and my son..
But we are doing just fine now...
It amazes me how when something so bad happens to you. And you think that life, just isnt worth anything.. suddenly things slap you in the face and say.. Oh that is why this happend!!!

Going through all that Tat and I was very hard..
But looking back on it some 4 mths later . I know now that GOD knew exactly what he was doing.. I for one, never would have thought that I could be so strong. Or that my words and story would help so many...




I took off my engagement ring and placed it on my right hand the day, he left and beat me up..I placed it there to remind me of all that he put me through..
Last night, I took off my engagement ring and I put it in a tiny box and put it far back in my closet....
As I do with the bad memories of that time, I placed them far back in my mind..
I know now that God had a reason for placing Tat in my life.. and I pray for him every night,, as I ask that each of you do also..
He is still a 'lost soul'

On New Years Day, I will take all the letters that he wrote me and all the ones that I have and I will burn them.. As I will many pictures as well.

This is my way of how to they say " Out with the Old and In with the New"
I know I must move on in my life and having those around is, one thing I dont need...

I also wanted to share with you all that I have a new man in my life. And he is wonderful, he is a good man, a GOD fearing man, and yes he is an inmate... I know.... but like I said sometimes you cant see why somethings happen untill its said and done.
He has helped me so much to learn not only about God and his blessing, but about myself and what life is about and how it really should be. And how wonderful love can be..
We are friends first and the rest, I believe is and will follow...
I cant explain the feelings that he has given to me. I know that my path was set before me to make my way to him...
I never ever thought that I would want to see the inside of another prison, but I cant wait to be able to go and see him..
Call me what you may.. I know that this man is nothing like the other men in my life ever...
I thank God for him everyday...
The letters he writes to me are so wonderful, he asks nothing and demands nothing yet gives me everything from behind the wall.
He truly is my blessings for all the hell, I have ever went through in my life.
So please wish me luck in this New Year.
And even if this new man was not in my life. I still would be "Throwing out the old and bringing in the new"
I deserve that and so does my son...

To each of you that may find yourself in the same situation..
Remember this above all....

If you live with an addict and your not an addict you will live life, like and addict..
and that no amount of love that you can give to them will change them, untill they are ready to cry out to God above for help....

I wish you all and your loved ones
much peace and blessing for the coming New Year...

It truly will be a New Year for me and my son....

I plan on changing my screen name when the new year gets here at last..
I was thinking maybe Zacsmom or ANEWME....

love ya all

Tina

Tina I'm so happy for you and your son that you have learned so much in life. It is to bad that Tat cant beat his addiction. But I will keep him and the other lost souls in my thoughts at night!!!

You are in my thoughts & prayers............these drugs are so addictive and too easy to get. It makes me sick and sad:( Drugs destroy so many people & families. YOU keep on being a strong woman and take care of yourself & child! Bless you both.

Just an update on how I am doing..

Me, I am awsome!!!!!!

Life is good, I am getting ready to go back to school and get my nursings degree.
I have met a wonderful man..
Who is becoming the love of my life very very fast..
He is a GOD fearing man, no game, no drugs, no anything..
Just lots of love for me and my son...

And he is also behind the wall..
I look back over my life since Aug and have come to know and understand that GOD is good and kind and will not put more on us than we can handle.

I also have learned that everything happens for a reason.

If I were to see Tat today.. I would tell him Thank you.
Thank you for putting me through what you put me through.
You didnt beat me down, you didnt destroy my world, and you didnt destory my abilty to love and be loved..
What you did was hurt me in a real good way..
Had you not hurt me. I would have never found GOD, strength in myself that I never knew was there, a sense of pride in who and what I am and what I stand for in life.
And the most awsome man that I have ever met here on earth..
so yes Tat hurt me but he hurt me in a real good way..

Anyone ever heard that song?

So I just wanted to check in and say hello and let you all know that.
I truly am moving on......
and I am happy ...

Tat is on his way back to prison. GOD knows that he must have his hands on him because he should have been long dead.
They came to my home about a week ago ( cops ) with 2 dogs there were 5 cop cars.. He has warrants out for his arrest in another county..
and they now consider him armed and dangerous...
I pray for his soul each night and that GOD will heal him and give him grace and recovery. And that they do catch him before he dies on the streets...

Take care to you all and I pray all is doing well...

Thank you all for your love and your support

Blessings
Tina

P.S

I have to found out how to change my screen name.. I am TATSBABY NOMORE....

Tina I found your post and just read it. I am so sorry to hear what happened to you. That is the fear in all of our minds that we hope does not happen. I am so glad that you are moving on and not rumbling in Tat. Now that I read what happened I wonder what would happen to my husband. He has always had a weed and drinking problem. I understand the weed, which when I met him we were both doing it which is fine. But it seems like after he got out of county when our son was born he just steadily went down hill. He started drinking MORE and smoking MORE. We wouldnt have any food, I would wonder how to buy diapers, food, pay the rent, gas, and I was the only one working and I was having to buy it for him because I thought that I had to hold on to him because of our son. Finally back last year in January he came home from work and I wasnt home yet and a co-worker had bought some crack. Well they both ended up buying it and smoking it in my trailor and he didnt tell me but I knew it. My husband has a temper and after I beat on him for about 10 minutes and he just sat there and didnt try to hit me back I knew it. he didnt have to admit it. So me and Jaydon left. 2 weeks later he was arrested for resisting arrest when he took our son and wouldnt give him back. I should of known then that it was time for him to go back. I didnt know he would end up with prison time. He did 30 days for the resisting arrest and of course dummy me thought he would really change so I bonded him out on the driving on suspended license. He didnt do any crack after that. But the whole time he was in county he swore up and down he would get a job, stop drinking and slow down on the weed. he would do good for about a week and then he would stay outside all night getting drunk and come fall in bed. Then he got to where he didnt want to watch our son. Everytime I came home he was drunk and ill temper towards me. I finally had enough and I did stay with him, but I paid my bills then gave my money to someone at work to hold until I needed it. I didnt tell him I had any money left over. I also then opened a checking account in my name. One month before he was due to go to court he got rearrested on driving and this time he was actually going to work. But he got right back out and started it up again. Wrecked my car, tryed to spend my money on beer. He is a very good con artist when it comes to me. He uses that whole oh baby I love you I promise I will pay you back Im going towork tomorrow. Never happened. His last month he was out before he turned his self into the courts, we might of made love three times. He was sober about once. I actually fell out of love with him for a while. For the 7 months before he went to prison I could not wait until he went so i could get away from him. I felt like that was my only way. I dont want my son to grow up without a father. He loves his daddy soooo much and misses him. He does not understand why daddy is not here. After he went I would watch my son stand on the porch yelling daddy get me. And there was no daddy. I really do not know why I actually married him because I couldnt stand him at the time. But some days he would be so loving to me, rub my feet when I came home from work, did our laundry, took care of my son so I could sleep. He gave me his promise that when he got out he would do better and this would be the absolute last time. I guess I want him to prove me wrong. I want him to do better for all of us and I figured if I married him he would know I am here for him as his wife not just his girlfriend. I told him I can divorce him just as quick as I married him so he has one chance when he gets out. If we go back to the bickering its done. I will not keep Jaydon from his daddy, but me and him are done for good and never again happen. He says he cant live without me and I am the best thing that ever happened to him. But we will see when he gets out. Out of all of the heartache that he caused me before he went, I love him more now then I have ever. It seems weird but I think I do have faith in him not to do that to us again and make a life for us. He has never done anything to harm Jaydon. The only time he ever put his life in danger ( that I think) was when he was 4 months old and was coming to pick me up from work and someone stopped him and sold him some crack. ofcourse he bought it and he smoked it in the car with my son. That was another time I beat the crap out of him. I have to say there are really 2 reasons for me to actually leave him with no chance of parole---if he hits me or my son or he cheats on me. Which hes had chances to cheat on me and hasnt so thats out of the question. Now I know some people who are going to read this are going to say I am stupid for loving him. He asked me why I love him so much and I put up with so much crap from him and I looked him dead in the face and said I really do not know Jeremy. I do not know why I love him so much that I would give him the shirt off of my back if he asked me for it. I really could not tell you. He has less then 9 months left. We have been talking about having another baby also. I really would love to but I want to make sure everything will be okay. I want him to be the MAN he says he is going to be and show me he has changed. Even if we have to move away from everyone we know. I think if we do stay here and he is around pot heads and alkys he will go right back to it. I printed out your story and if you do not mind I would like to send it to him. He might think I am trippin or being stupid but he will read it. He always reads everything I send him even if he knows Im bitching at him. So maybe he will read it and it will help him also to know what your son almost seen his daddy do and hope his son doesnt have to see his daddy like that.

Its been a while since I updated this story..
Once agian, Tat is back in jail.. facing lots of charges and lots of time.
I hate it but I also know that God once again, spared his life..
Wish that he saw it as that but he doesnt and never will.

I went and say him and county, and said my good byes..
It amazed me how he thought that I was there for him...??
I thanked him, for making me stronger than I thought I was, and for teaching me the signs to look for in a drug user, and for makin me a better person. That is something that blew his mind when I said all that to him and more!!!
I dont know where his future lies at this point....
But its not with me !!!
I will always pray for him....

Mrs...I read your post and I have to say I am sorry that you have to deal with any of that.. But the fact is you are still with a man that smoked crack in front of your child...I have a problem with that.. even after all I have been with Tat I never allowed him to do it in front of my child ..

Seems like you have been through hell with this man, and still are at times.
My only advice to you would be this... you are not enough to change this man, and neither is your son.. he has to want and need to change because he wants better for himself, you and his son...
Just remember that.. and always go with what your first thogths are cause they probley are right on the nail..
do u feel like he has changed? do u feel he will come home and do what he needs to do?
Search you heart and your soul girl.. cause going through the hell is not worth it....

Blessing
Tina

Jaydon was only 4 months ago when it happened. Which he risked alot by doing it. If a cop seen him he would of went to jail and DCF might of taken him or the crackhead could of killed him and took off with the car and him in the car seat all types of stuff. We havent had a big disagreement with that. Its not like everytime he got money he was off to buy it. Our problem was mostly week and drinking. He stayed drunk and high. If he wasnt he was the biggest as$hole. I really do think that he has changed. He told me that Saturday before he got to come see me they drug tested him. He said he didnt understand why and I asked him if he passed it and he said yes. He said its there and has been offered to him but he knew he couldnt do it. Which if you know my husband, you put something in front of him and offer it to him he will do it or take it. So for him to have the chance to get stoned and not do it proved alot to me. Like I keep telling my husband I am not trying to change him. I am trying to help him to make better choices for himself and his family. He has to be the one tho to say I want it or I dont. The only way to tell that he wants is when he gets out. If he goes back to his same ways, he is gone. I told him I would help him but I would not be with him. I wouldnt keep Jaydon from him either. It is so sad that he is a really good father, but behind his kids he is a different person. We will see on Nov 5th how it is going to be.

Back with an update ......................

Life is good for me and my son....

Tat is sitting in county and waiting to go to court on several charges..

Charges that could put him away for many many years.. It breaks my heart to see him there, yet once again...


I do go and see him .. if that is wrong then, I am wrong..
It has nothing to do with wanting or needing him back in my life..
Its more, about that. I know that he is an addict and needs help..

If keeping him off the streets is by him sitting in jail then..I am thankful for that.....

He is back to his old self ...and even thought that "we would get back together"

That I can assure him and everyone else will not happen.
I will be there to be his friend and his friend only..

You dont just stop loving someone , with an addiction. You dont forget that they are human, and you dont forget the person they can be and are when the drugs arent with them.

It saddens me to go and see him, but I feel I must because I dont want to forget the man that I fail in love with.. or the person that hurt me so bad.

He makes no excuses for anything that he has done.

I pray for his soul everyday..
I am not sure what his life holds for him now, other than a life behind bars.

My son and I are doing well. And I do have bad days that I miss Tat so much.
But I carry on and I dont let it get me down...

I will post and let everyone know what is going on in my life from time to time..

I am happy and learning to love life and learning to love again.....

Blessings

Tina

AKA "Tatsbaby"

But really I am just me...............

someone that has love for an addict..
but has learned to love herself more..........

As always you sound very strong. I'm happy you have found some amount of peace with everything, I just wish it could have all worked out the way you both had wanted.

It's very good of you to stay by his side and let him know he still has friends regardless of the struggles he faces and mistakes he makes.

Anyway I'm just proud ofhow you have com eout of all this and what a strong you woman you are. Probably stronger because of all this. You and your son will benefit from your strength.

Thanks for the update!

Erin

Just an update .......

Adding another chapter to this part of my life..

I am doing ok..

Tat is sitting back in county and waiting to be moved to another county. Here in florida. To face the charges that they have against him.

Although, I do believe him, when he says he did not do anything that they say he did. He still have to go through the pain of going and seeing what is what up there.

I went to see him yesterday, and it was hard.. There sitting with me was his best friend, and there sitting by him was another friend whom was out only a month and is now back in facing another trip to the FLDOC...

I think, what gets me the most is that, Tat just can't get the concept that he is better than what he is living with or without me. I still see someone that is hurting someone that lives the only life he knows how to live. I get so mad an hurt, at him.

Looking at him, I still at times,can see the man that I fell in love with, an innocent child , but that is an adult but has no clue that life is so much more, than needles, money and the darkness he choose for himself.

He tells me that he cant feel GOD? How can anyone not feel GOD?
That breaks my heart so much. I question why I go and visit with him. I know that him and I are from 2 different sides of the world.
And why I fell in love with him, I dont know. I think it was because I am one of the few people that has ever accepted him for who he was when I met him. Now I still try to do that, but it seems to be getting harder and harder.
I know that there is alot about his addiction that I dont know or understand. But what I do know and understand is that
He is a living soul and even if he doesnt know it a child of GOD..
I try hard to be his friend.. I am wondering if I can still be his friend and still walk away. SO far its not working..

Its like he thinks that he and I are still one.. ???
I dont think he and I will ever be that way again, but one thing I do know is that he has my loyalty and a piece of my heart..and my love.

Loving Tat and going through all that I have been through has taught me so much. And with everything that he and I have been through I try to pull the good out of it and use that.

I will never turn my back on him.. if that is wrong then that is wrong. But I will never ever let him pull me down to where he once had me either. He is very demanding and is very quick tempered. I know he has to be hurting and I am so sorry for that. BUT I know that once again GOD has spared his life.. I dont think he get the fact that all things HAPPEN FOR A REASON......

I recently found his birth mother for him and she is alive and doing well. She is a wonderful person, and the story that follows her is a sad one.

Some of Tats pain is that for most of his life, even when he was a child he thought that his birth mother had left him in a drug house and just threw him away..

Please someone tell me, How do you let a child walk around thinking that the woman that gave birth to him, did that to him..
I am sure and conviced that is where most of his pain started!!!!

And I can assure you, after hearing his birth mothers story that was the last thing that was true..

She had been told that he died , in the child well fare system...
So you see they both carried around alot of pain all these years.

I was so happy and blessed to be able to bring them back together.
I only pray that he will heal Tats soul and some of the pain that he carrys within...

If this was the only reason that I was placed in his life. Then I welcome that even if in finding it, it caused me pain as well.


Unlike Tat, I take my pain and turn it in to a postive. Seeing him is hard so very hard. BUT I feel that I have to do it and that GOD wants me to be there for him.
I also know that GOD does not want me to lose me again in Tat and I will not do that ever again.

Untill the last breathe is gone in me I will believe that he can make changes in his life, but he has to be the one to do that. The love that I have or have had for him will not be enough to do anything unless he learns that GOD is good and he is real.

Tat trys so hard to be so big and bad...
Yet I see right through all is hurt and pain and I know that somewhere behind all those Tattoos and game is a man that
is loving and kind and is to stubburon to ever let that, show to others ..
He is gonna have to turn it over to GOD and let GOD and learn to love himself..

Please keep him in your prayers...

I will update again later............

much love and blessings

Tina

Just me .......

Once again with an update...

Life is great and I am getting better and better everyday..

I am dealing with my co-depency and I am learning that I cant save the

world.. Or Tat for that matter.. He has his sister and brother now and his

birth mother. Thank God for that.. I feel as though a 1000 tons have been

lifted from my shoulders!!!!

You sure learn alot about yourself if you step back and take the time to do

so. All that I have been through has taught me alot and learned me alot also.


I only can hope that Tat learns from all he has been through..

Something tells me he never will!!!!

Blessings
Tina

I how how it is to think they will never learn my man has been in and out of lock ups since he was 14 he served 16 months in a boot camp,1 year and 2 months in the county, another 60 days, 30 days, and 23 days in the county and is now in prison for 3-15 years!!!! we have been through alot and it keeps getting harder but i hope he sees this isnt the life he should want to live...

You letter seems to being trying to tell me something. I got to give him up. He's found another love. The devil got my baby also.

As soon you start going and having fun you might me somebody else. Cause life is to short for you to continue to serve him like you are his servant. Don't feel its wrong if the new man don't allow you too. I quess I am victim of serving also. They just don't want us. Your story is making it all to clear for me.

Angel he loves you. But he knows he can't help himself, not yet anyway. Having children and he haven't got it altogether yet is not the best move. Of course you know that. But at least he wants to have one with you and try to keep you close is a good sign to me. But now I am a woman too, so I might fall for the same thing.See because the other girl's story is clear Tats don't love her anymore or he is incapable of showing love. My story is close to hers- he don't love me anymore either. But your story is a love story for sure. Jermey just needs a move away like you said and some AA and try to slow down, I think he will be alright. You stop beating up on him before you get out of hand and devil make mad.Hopefully a happily everafter.

You are a very strong person to be able to do what you did. Its hard to be in love with an addict. I believe that GOD never gives us more than we can handle. What doesnt kill us can only make us stronger. :)

Tina! :D

Hi I was online and decide to pull up Prison Talk to see if any of my friends were still kickin it around here. I can see you are still keeping the faith. Good girl. You have been such a help and inspiration to so many. I'm proud of you and I'm so glad that you and your son are doing ok. I didn't read the whole thread due to time but just picked up a few of your messages and I'm sorry that Tat is still the same. I am doing really well and SO ARE MY FRIENDS!! My two good friends that were in at the time that I used to talk on here (about 9-10 months ago) are out 7 months and 3 months and still sober, working, living with family or on their own and holding up their little end of the world. I needed to see someone I cared about make it after all these years. It does happen, just not as often as we'd like. I am in a relationship with one wonderful man who loves and spoils me and treats me like I've never been treated. I wish you the best Tina, you are on here for a purpose, but you know that already. Keep up the good work as long as you feel the calling. Blessings to you and yours! With much love and affection, Blue.

To all of you who follow Tina and who have had the experiences that she (and I) have had. My heart goes out to you. Keep the faith but please PLEASE, don't let those demons (drugs) hurt you through the person that you love. Take care. :thumbsup:

Just wanted to check in and see how everyone was doing? And to update everyone

on what has been going on in my life.. First I want to Thank

Bluehorse for your words of kindness, I am glad that all is well with

you and that life is treating you well.. I pray that you always have

happiness in your life....

As for me, Life is good and I still have my up and down days. I have

gone through so many emotions and so many different areas of my

life that. I cant begin to tell you. I tried replacing the hurt and pain

I was feeling with someone else. Trust me that didnt work...

I was able to take some time off from work and really do alot of soul

searching and spending time with my son. I had to come to the point

and choice of whose life, was I living? And came to know and

understand that it is my life and that replacing does not do the trick.

Its kind of like changing one drug for another, just a temp fix and

thats about it. I came to learn that the hard way.

As for Tat he is now back in Prison. I have spoken with him and

gotten mail from him. He is doing well and is once again clean

because hes not in the streets. He is back to the Tat that I have

always and will always love. He is getting to know his birth family

I do believe that has made some changes in him and for that I am

thankful. I am very close to his birth Mother and I love her dearly.

As for where Tat and I are, I am not sure. Friends, or maybe 2

people who love each other dearly but know deep in their hearts

that they are never going to be. I know his heart isnt doing well at

all. And him getting sent back to Prison is a blessing to say the least.

He asked me what will happen to us.. and I had to stop and think

about that one.. Its been nearly a year. Is there an US in my heart

yes in my mind at times.. In my life .. not for now.. I will be his friend

and hold no demands on him for anything. He ask me if I forgive him

and I told him yes, the day it all was done and when it was done on

those days too. I can not and will not allow hate, hurt and sorrow to

hold space in my mind, life or heart.. Although at times it does but I

quickly pull myself back and I am ok.. I miss my Sweet Tat.. Lord

above knows I do.. BUT I miss me too and in the last year I have

grown so much, learned so much and gained so much that I know

my life is my life and I have to live each day for me and not on what

ifs, or what will be, if it is to be it will be, if not then thats alright too.

Tat ask me if I still loved him, I would be lying if I said I dont.. but

now when I breathe it is for me and not for anyone but me . I am

a better mother, grandmother, daughter, sister and friend and

much of that is due to what I have been through. Strange how things

can turn out? I will always love Tat .... He knows that as many of you

know that too. I pray he comes home again and finds the peace

and happiness he has search for most of his life. IF I can be there

and share that as his friend that is all that I can ask. Do I wish for more , of course....

My very dear friend RMD4EVER ( Sheila ) ask me ' IF Tat came home

this time and was changed, would you give it a second chance"?

I had to ask her, what she meant. Her reply was " IF he changed a

100 and 1 percent and proved it to you " I would have to say yes.

And yes, a 1000 times more but I dont think of that and I dont know

if that will come to pass. I refuse to put myself out there and see if

it does or doesnt.. Time will tell and Time heals all wounds...

And as Shelia always tells me IF is a very little word, with one big

meaning....

I want you to know Sheila, I love you and I thank you for being there

by myside through everything. You are one hell of a friend and a

strong woman...

I have started to work at a very good job and I have not 1 but 2 new

grand babies on the way..Life is still not so eazy but most days ..

They are good.. somedays I do miss Tat and I miss US.

Life is strange and I live it now not with regrets but with the power

to know that I loved with everything in my power but I also know

that sometimes someone has to love themselves as well.

I wont give up on Tat but I wont give up on me either..

I hope all who go through anything that I have went through will

understand that sometimes you can love someone and still it isnt

enough.. but dont stop, love is something that we all need...

I have asked for a name change... so look for it.. I will explain later.. just time thats

all.



Blessings

Tina

Hey, sweetie - long time since I've seen you on the board. What a well-thought and mature post you've written! Yes, it is the US that I miss most, too. All of us, I think, feel like there's a phantom limb or a sense missing - one that we didn't know we had 'til we lost it - when we lose a present love.
So, so sad for each of us. But we live, and mature, and do better as you've done. Blessings.

my heart goes out to you.. you are in my prayers

Girl I am so sorry you had to go through that , you really are doing the best you can for you and your son, If you are married to this guy maybe you should get him some help have him put in a rehab , get him some help jail or prison dont help people like that. again im sorry about that. Im so proud of you though,you are really lucky you are alive, I know you must have been scared to death, You may need counseling, im also sorry you waited so long just to see if he had changed , we all are hoping for good and alot of us are lieng to our selves and will be disapointed. I know how you feel , I am just hoping for a big change in my man , he says he has changed and that he dont want to loose me and I feel like I owe him that much time to see if he has, but i have told him that if he goes back to his bad ways that it will be over. Are you scared now that you have left him? Do you think he might hurt you or your son? I hope not, I will pray for you too.

Donovan's wife, we are here for you too!!!!! ;)

(((((((((((((((((Tina)))))))))))))))))))))) wanting the best for you....

I am truly sorry to hear this story. I read every word straight through and was shocked with the images that ran through my mind. I felt as though I were right there with you and I have never ever experienced anything like this in my life before. This is terribly frightening!!!

I wish that I could find some words to ease the pain you must be feeling, but for right now I think that it sounds as though your doing what is best for yourself. Please take care of yourself first, and don't allow him in your home so that you have to watch and feel his every "FALL". That is just doubling the pain......

I wish the best of luck to you. Your story touched my heart, opened my eyes, and made me realize that life is too short to live in this kind of fear.

Prisoner,
All I can say is "Oh my god"! Your story makes me cry.:cry:

Hello to all...

Just wanted to check in and add to my story....

My life is going well and Tat is doing as well as can be expected.

I heard from him the other night and we talked. I also got a very

heart touching letter from him as well. He is due to go back in and

have yet another heart surgery.. He wanted me to know ............

How sorry he was for ever putting me through all that he had.. that

he loves me and our son.. and in case he doesnt make it out of this

surgery.. he wants me to know that he will always and has always

loved us.. I knew that, I know when he is on those drugs its not the

man that I know and fell in love with. Not the Father of my child..

Please keep Tat in your prayers and pray he makes it out of surgery.

He has told me he never ever wants to do drugs again and if GOD

will allow him one more chance he will show me, his son, and every

one the man he can be.

To tell you, I am not scared for him and for me and for our son and

for us... would be a lie.. I am frighten that the man I love will never

make it home again.. But yet, I am so thankful that he is where he

is.. if not I might have found him dead in some dope house , or even

on the side of the road..

This as most of you know has been a very long road for us both, and

I know that the road is not ending anytime soon... I just have to

keep the faith, that GOD is on on our side, but mostly on Tats side...

I got approved to go and and see him and I plan on going this

weekend. I vowed that I would never step foot in side a prison again

to go and see him.. I lied!!!!

IF I dont go and see him and GOD does take him, I could never

forgive myself.. I still dont know where the future lies with us, if he

were to come home. I only know that I love him but I love me too..

this time around.. I will not allow him to bring me down again.........

Or to put our son through all that he has been through. Its strange

how forgiving a child can be.. To bad, we as grown ups cant learn to

be that way!!!!!

Tat is now in a wheeel chair and gets very dizzy and his heart is

beating strangely.. BUT I DO HAVE FAITH THAT GOD IS GOING TO BE

RIGHT BY HIM EVERY STEP OF THE WAY!!!!

Again, please rememeber us in your prayers...............

I will post when I return from visiting him this weekend........

Thanks for all the support and kind words....

It amazes me still how much our story has touched so many!!!!!

Blessings

Tina and Tat

Tina at first I could not figure out who was posting this(namechange).. I will keep you and Tat and your son in my prayers. I hope that things go well at the visit!!!

Hello everyone....

Hope all are doing well, I have had 2 visits with Tat since my last

post. He is doing well, and I have over came the shock of seeing him

in a wheel chair. He is doing well, he looks good, except for the

times, I could see his heat beating illregular.. He gives out of

breathe very easily.

The man, that I feel in love with is now back, only weak and in a

wheel chair, untill GOD sees fit to bring him out of it.

He is set for yet another heart surgery at the end of this month,

please keep him in your prayers.

On our last visit, I told him about my daughters child hood boyfriend

how he had gotten hooked on drugs and that he had just come back

into her life, and his sons life ( which is our grandchild) and that he

almost went to Prison himself on a VOP....

Tat words to me were this "Tina, did you tell him about me?"

" Tell him everything, tell him how its not worth it, tell him how

the drugs robbed me of not only my health, my

mind, my soul, my wife, my son, my loved ones" "Tell him, so he

doesnt end up like me".... I just smiled and told him, I already have.

I dont know if the changes in Tat are going to last, I still have my

fears and I sure have my doubts. I take nothing for granted and I

take one day at a time. At times, I still see the streets in him and I

hear it in him, even in a wheel chair.. I can only pray....

I can tell you it was wonderful, to see our son and him together,

laughing and playing together. It was good, to hold Tat and kiss

him, and touch him and to know that maybe just maybe GOD

does all things for a reason...

Blessings to you all and to your loved ones...

Tina

Tina,

This is my nightmare. It terrifies me that this could be me; I can see it being me, and I want so much for it not to happen. Thank you for posting this, and thank you to everyone who has replied. Hopefully, with all the advice and help and support that is available, this happening can be prevented for others like myself. Or if, in the worst case scenario that we ought to prepare for, nightmare does become reality, we can have the strength and courage to do what must be done.

God does do things for a reason. There is a plan to all of this madness we all face. I'm sure part of yours was to have the experiences that would help others be inspired to effect great changes in their lives. All the best to you.

-r

TIna he is so lucky to have you in his life. I know that you see the changes but all ways remember once an addict always an addict.. I really hope and pray that he does find what he needs to stay sober and you and your children the best of luck!!!!

Today is August the 20th.. doesnt mean to much to some of you,

But today, is one year ago today that Tat came home. Today is one year that I started our story here. Today though

I sit here alone, and he sits in prison once again.

It really shouldnt be this way.. He should be here with me and our

son. Our son, had his first football game yesterday and yet once

again his Dady wasnt there.

I know that GOD does everything for a reason, and everything is

in GODs time. But today should have been our time, he should be

here with me and our son, and we should be enjoying life together

not just at visits...

I wonder does Tat feel it was all worth it??

Thanks as always for listening and Blessings

Tina

Have your day of heartache and missing Tat.

Tomorrow is August 21, and a brand new day!

JJT

Your story has touched me so much. I know that God was carrying you on Aug. 20th. He is always walking with us, but carries us in those especially trying times. I pray that you and your son and Tat will all find peace.

Hey everyone,

It has been a while since, I last posted here.. WOW!!!

Looking back over all the posts, I see how much my life has changed and

how much I have grown and learned!!!!

I also see changes in Tat he is doing well and we are doing

great!! Yea he still is in prison and yes we still are dealing with

his addiction and his heart problems but life is good..

We have a new baby grand son, and our first one is a joy to be

around.. Our son is doing great, he turns 7 in just a few days!!!!!

And for once in a very long time, I see the man, that I fell in love

with... I truly blieve that it took everything that we had to go

through and yes even the heart attacks to bring us to where we are

in our journey of our lives.....

We just found out that Tat is getting moved to his perm camp

very soon, ( 0f couse they cant tell us when) but we know that

he has been approved to where we were hoping and praying for:p

Life takes you on many journeys and they all are a learning process

what we do with it, is up to us..

I know that I am not that same as I was when this all started and I

know that I will never loose myself again in someone else...

My love for Tat is stronger than ever, and I know that his is stronger

than ever for not only me, our son, himself but for life itselfs.....

I have learned that I can still love him, I just need to take time and

love me too.................


GOD does all things for a reason, sometimes it just takes a while to

learn why!!!!

Tats heart is still weak but he is doing well, please keep him in

your prayers and I pray that all of you who has a loved one with

an addication problem, learn that its ok to love them......

What is not ok is that you loose yourself in them and that even

though you dont do the drugs ... you go down the road with them

because you think your love is enough to change them... its not!!!!

Change comes from within ones self... and it takes time.......

I know we still have a long hard road a head of us, but with faith

and love we will walk it together... and with GOD by our side....

Blessings to you all and you all are in my prayers.

Please keep Tat and I and our family in yours...

Tina and Tat

Tina,
What a journey life is...your strength inspires me...I really hate addiction.
God be with you and your family and surround you with His grace and peace.
Stefanie

I just wanted to check in and up date , everyone....

Life is good..

Tat is finally closer to home so that it isnt a 4 hour drive

to go and visit with him... We have had our share of ups

and downs, and it has not been easy.. but we have

made it through it all.. We are in love more so now than

in the beginning of it all!!!!

Tat is clean and for being behind bars that is a big pulse..

He recently passed a flash drug test, where they

screened for every drug you can think of, and he

passed!!!!!:p

In all the years that we have been together he has

never promised me that he would not to drugs.. he

promised me that recently at one of our visits.. He is

doing well and living with his heart condition. Which

at this moment is doing alright, he has new meds and

they seem to be doing good. Life has been very hard

since this all began in 2005. I thought that I could leave

and even love someone else. That is not the case, I love

that man with all my heart and soul.. one things I have

learned and so has Tat that everything happend for a

reason, I know you hear that alot. But please trust me

when I say to you that is a very true statement..

The road ahead of us will be a hard one, and we both

know that.. I know with the grace of GOD and faith we

will get through this.. Tat is for once in his life seeing

what the drugs has done to his life and to our life. I dont

pull any punchs with him and we are very truthful with

each other. And open and that is the key.. We are

learning to trust and depend on each other for strenght

and to keep GOD first in it all..

I dont think that anyone could have said it better

than the song by AKON " I am tired of running"

That is what my husband said to me..

I honestly can tell you this time, I do believe he will

remain clean and sober.......

My old G has finally come to understand life is not on the

streets....

Hope all is well with everyone and that everyone

that has a loved one with an addication, finds the peace

and power of love and GOD...

Blessings to all

Tina and Tat

Wow,Tina((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))).I haven't been over here in awhile,you know I luv you girl and my little-big man Zack. I know you have been through a whole lot with Tat,but you have came out way better from the whole ordeal.I have seen alot of growth in you personaly,and it's a blessing when we have been put through some negative things that we can take,learn from it and better ourselves.God bless you and your family.Everything is gonna be fine!!!!

2 years ago I read this thread and posted to it how scared I am. I just ran across it accidentally and look where I am. Alone, Bobby is gone, using heavily.

How sad, how awful.:(

I know how you feel, it's so hard when you love a man that much. It makes you feel so helpless. You've done all you can, he has to do the rest. Take care of yourself, and remember, you are not alone. We are always here for you.

Well, its been a while since I posted to this thread, and it still

amazes me,how much it has been read.. so for an update on what is

going on....

Tat is doing time and has till March of next year to go... We are back

together and we are stronger than ever.. Tat has not used in almost

6 mths now and 9 abd yes he can get it inside if he wants it ) we are set to be legally married on July 20 of this

year.. We have 2 new grandsons and our son is growing as is our


oldest grandson... I visit him often as he is only 8 miles from our

house.. I see so many changes in Tat that I have to pinch myself

and see that I am not sleeping!!!! NOT just changes because he is

locked down again, thats never been his way of doing his time to go

through all the drama and acts that some inmates do... He is

changing and I can feel it and I can see it and I am loving it!!!!

He is now able to sit and talk with me about his addictions and his

fears and he even cries with me now.... GOD has worked some

awsome magic in his life and in our life... we know that the road is

not easy and I have always said that from the beginning but if I had

to say what the will happen when he gets out this time. I can

truthfully tell you that I think that Tat is coming home and being the

man he was meant to be.. he already is working on it as much as he

can.. He has taken interest in our wedding and with our life and we

are planning and I know that GOD has answered our prayers...

so to those that love and addict neve give up on them.. cause

GOD has never givne up on you.....

To BobbysBaby I am so sorry that you are hurting, I will keep you

in my prayers.. stay strong.........

Blessings

Tina and Tat

Very often, when a person gets sober and really "gets it", a completely new person emerges. Someone free of the reflexes that an addiction gives us--none of which translate well to being a pleasant member of society or a good partner.

Sometimes, couples grow apart when one sobers up--most commonly when the other continues using. Others find their relationships grow almost miraculously stronger, healed by the ability of both parties involved to reach out to each other without a substance or behavior coming between them.

Bobbysbaby, I am truly sorry. Promise us all you won't blame yourself, ok? Because you're not to blame in any way.

OK - NO CRYING - I am working hard every day!!

Tina I am sooo happy for you! I remember when I first read your post then stumbled back on it again right after he left.

My life will go on, I don't blame myself. Not anymore, there was a time. \\

Please keep us posted on updates.

Hello everyone...
How long has it been since , I posted here?? Seems like for ever...

Time is passing by, so let me tell you where Tat and I are today...

We are married legally as of July 20 of this year. Our wedding was so
special.. I have pics posted in the wedding forum if you want to see.:o

Tat is still drug free and is doing great, his heart gives him trouble every now and then but he is doing well. Fighting his addictions everyday.

Because he says, he has to in order to live.. and that is something coming from him. Dont get me wrong we still have our up and our downs like any other married couple but THANK GOD above its not over the drugs any more...

Our son just turned 8 on halloween.
we have 2 new grandson sons..
One just turned 1 on the 24th of Oct.
and the other will be 1 in Jan.
Our oldest grandson will be 4 in Jan as well..

We still contiune to fight the fight for Tats life and for ours but we do it
together and take one day at a time.

I cant say if we will never have to do this, cause I believe you always have to if you are an addict and if you love an addict... but I have learned so much since this post first started, about drugs,addictions,life, my husband, myself and above all GOD and the streghth that he gives to you when you need it the most...

Tat is living proof that prayer and GOD works.. he has that drive about him again, and he is doing good. Talks to others about his addiction and shares with me when he has had a bad day and thinks hes going to go over the edge... he contiues to pass his drug test when they give them to him..

I cant believe how much this post has been viewed and how much it did and contiunes to help others.
But not only that, how much it has helped US!!!

Blessings to you all ..

Never give up, cause GOD never does!!!

Blessings
Tat and Tina

Hey Tina,first congrats again on the marriage,I am so happy for you and Tat especially hearing how he has grown spiritualy,which you know is a big step.God always places the right people in our life's and God has placed you in Tats.He has grown alot in many areas and I am so very happy for the both of you and especially for Zac.You deserve the best and now Tat is trying very hard to give you his best,to give himself his best and his son.Just like for him, for you it's one day at a time.(((((((((((hugs)))))))))) to you all,Love you girl!
You two are gonna be just fine.

amazing story of love and commitment,
also a suggestion for those who are not there yet:
read these two books, free from the library:
codependent no more by melody beattie

boundaries by townsend and cloud

Wow this is an amazing story of love, strength and faith. I have copied all your posts to send to my man. He too is an addict and one of his biggest fears is release and if the demons will have any hold on him.

Hello to all,

Just wanted to stop in and say hello.

Today is bitter sweet for Tat and I, and

our whole family. Today is the last day of

my husbands sentence. But instead of

me gettting ready for his homecoming.

He was taken to Duval County to face an

out standing warrant, that is almost 3 yr

old. I guess, the thing that bothers me

the most is, that Duval has known where

he was for the last 3 yrs. And could have

addressed it then. We feel, believe and

have faith that everything will go alright

just another stepping stone to where GOD

wants us to be. It really is hard trying to

stay postive though. Our lawyer is

working on getting the chargers dropped.

Or getting bond set for him, I wish that

it was different and I wish that I was

going to pick him up but I have to be

strong just a bit longer for him and for us.

Its so funny, how everything in the DOC

including the jails, are set up around $

The file, for this was found in the court

house basement, for 3 yrs we have filed

motion after motinn, and got no response.

I wonder why now??? So because the

detainer was there, they had to come and

get him. They have nothing on my

husband, its a long story but trust me

when I say, I know my husband didnt do

anything wrong.It amazes me that our

story after all this time, is still read and

even used by so many. Our goal is once

all this is behind us, i ( and it will be)

Is to get involved with prisoners, addicts,

and their loved ones. And let them know

that with love, christ and the will to be a

better person, all is possible. My husband,

is such a different person than he was

when this post first started. I am a

different person from when this post was

first started, and I truly believe there are

others out there that are different

because of it as well. Meth,Coke, what

ever the choose maybe is not worth it.

And if you happen to love someone that is

an addict. Its hard, its not eazy, but what

you have to understand is that

somewhere deep within that addiction

is the person that you know and love. It's

a choice if they use or not, you are right

about that. But when that demon get a

hold of them, they loose themselves and

its so hard to find their way back. I have

no doubt in my mind that when Tat is

home. He will be alright and so will we.

If, I could tell anyone that is in love with

and addict one thing, I would have to tell

them . Dont think that their addiction

makes them love you any less, its not

that you werent enough, its not that they

didnt love you, its that they felt inside

that they werent enough, and that they

didnt love themselves. A country star

names Jeff Bates that speaks about his

addictions and his prison time. made a

statement at a meeting, I went to

recently ( to pick up my husbands 2 yr

sober coin) he said" that everyone around

me, had forgiven me for what I had done

to them, while I was using, and I reliazed

before I could heal, I had to forgive

myself. Or else I would never be able to

recover." That statement hit me like a

brick wall, because it is so true, addicts

usally use to mask the their pain, and it is

a never ending cycle. Untill they learn

to forgive themselves and move forward.

It takes a lot of love, forgiveness,

strenght and faith, to love an addict and

to not give up on them. To not take it

personally and to really understand that

its not about you, or the love you have

for them, or they have for you. Its about

them, and they are the only ones that can

make the choice. What you can do is not

enable them, but love them, encourage

them, forgive them, be postive, never

loose your faith in them, and never throw

what has happened in the past up in their

face. Forgiving means just that. You can

forgive, and I know that you cant forget

but use that within yourself not on them.

Guard yourself by all means, you have to

esp. if they have not fully recovered. But

dont keep throwing the past in their face.

Neither of you will ever be able to move

on if that keeps happening.

Tat and I have come so far, since our

story begin.. in 05 and I know that we

have more to do, more to grow and more

to love.

I hate that he isnt here with me today but

I know that GOD has a plan and this is all

part of it. I am not afraid, a bit

dispointed yes, just a bit mad yes, cause

these charges where incured while he

was on the streets in 05, but I will not

throw that up in his face, I will be there

pray and support my husband. Cause I

know that he is not the man he once was,

he is and forever will be My Sweet Tat...

God Bless each of you and I will post

again soon

Blessing

Tina and Tat

Here I am again, posting on this post.. Things have

been, alot different than I thought that they would be.

My husband now sits in jail and a waits going back to

prison. Why??? Because he is an addict.. and because

he cant seem to fight the fight that needs to be fought

in order to make it.. I hate to say it that way, and I

know that it sounds so very cruel but it is the truth.

We come out of Jacksonville with flying colors and I can

say that things were good for a while. But then all hell

broke loose, and Tat was out on the streets in the mix.

Trying to support us, trying to make it and what did he

do, go back to what he knows. Its not an excuse, its the

truth. The state of Florida and so many more states

lock these guys up and thats it, no rehab no nothing.

And then they come home, and it hits them like a brick

wall... I dont know what is going to happen this time. I

honestly prayed that my husband would get arrested

so that at least I would know that he was safe.. And

once again GOD answered my prayers.. I just am at my

wits end, with all of this. Tat and I have manged to be so

strong with all of this and now, I dont know if I have the

fight left in me to stand with him or not? Is that wrong of

me, I wanna scream and I wanna hit him and I want to

just make him see what he has done again, but he

knows and I know and I dont know if to love him and

stay or to love him and walk away... I see the want him

to stay clean and I see the hurt in him now that he has

the meth out of him. But I am so damn tired.... I still go

and see him in jail and I still try so hard to think that

there is a reason, I and we keep fighting this fight...

But I need to know, I need to try and understand when

does it all end.. When is enough, enough?

And are we ( Tat and I) at the final chapter is this my life

to be in love with a meth addict and to always be a

convicts wife??? I love my husband and I dont want to

leave him, but I dont know what will happen if he gets

alot of time. I am being truthful and I have told him this.

He understands and wants help, I cant see to get the

state to listen to me, will they slap his hand again, not

this time, not looking to good. And all I can thing of is

why? Tat you were and are a damn fool. But I also

know that he is sick, and untill he himself, helps himself

is there really anything I can do?? Other than love him?

But do I love him from a far, or do I do this with him

again? I need some support.. I know that in the end,

it will be my choice on what to do.. just as it has been

his... but any response would be great....

Thanks for listening

Tina

Tina I'm so sorry that he is having such a hard time beating this addiction. Meth is something that I have not seen alot of people get away from. Hugs to you I know you will what is best for you. How is Taz's health? I remember him having a bad heart.IF I remember right/

I dont know how his heart is,, he stayed so high out there. I am thankful that he is back in jail so he can get some help with his heart. He hasnt told me that he has any kind of pain or not.. at least
Now he can get the help for it he needs.. its been almost a year since he has taken any kind of meds for it.. and I know him getting arrested again was a blessing... Meth is a bad drug but I know it can be beaten its just how bad you want it.. the fight is his now .....

I can only pray that he does what he needs to do...

Thank you for your support and I will keep you updated

Tina

Please do keep me updated. I really hope that everything works well and he did not do any more damage to his heart.

Your story in the beginning with your husband sounds like my life right now and I just wanted to say thanks for sharing your expreace

This is all so sad :( I'm so sorry you continue to go down the same road with him. He truly needs to get help. He needs to first identify his demons (not meth) and face them. Once he does that, meth don't look so good anymore ....

My husband is also a meth addict. I know what you've been thru :(

Stacy

:( you are in my prayers...this drug is the absolute worst...had to have been thought up by the devil himself...it destroys so many families...my son lost his first 2 children due to meth...and nearly lost the last 3...mom (I), stepped in for the last time...told him it was now or never..it's the drug, or your wife and kids...

Thank GOD he chose his family and has now been clean 6 years :thumbsup: so it can be done...the choice is his

I am glad that our story has help and does help so many till this day.. I know alot go through what we have been through and where we are now...
I also know that my husband must face his demons and I know not all of them are meth.. He speaks to me about them little by little. Its hard right now, because once again he is in county jail, I only get to visit with him for 1 hour twice a week. SO as you can guess, we dont have alot of time. But I try to listen to what he says to me and I come home and I research it and ask questions and go back and let him know. I am not sure that this is helping anything but I am trying hard to get him to open up to me. I know that there are some mental things going on that hasnt ever been addressed and I also know that there are some personal things as well.
I cant tell you all of this hasnt been hard and I wonder at times if I am co-depend myself, I am sure that a part of me is...
I also know that this time, around with Tat is a bit different than before, I dont run to his every call, or his every want. I go and visit when I want and I will not spend my every waking hour thinking about him or his addiction this is one time, I want him to figure it out, if I keep doing it. He will never get it right.. I listen and I research on my time. NOT his..
I know that he is scared, and I know that he thinks and feels like he is nothing.. I am sorry for this but maybe this is where he should be right now with his feeling and his emotions.. I love him but I cant save him.. I can only be strong and do what I must do for me and my son.. and hope that along the way Tat decides to take my hand and walk with me, instead of walking with that awful girl they call Crystal....
Its make me kinda of sad and then I am glad that my post on this has been viewed over 9000 times...
I only pray that someone else will learn from this.. am I strong some would say. me I feel like a worn out woman.
But still, I will be there for him, but I will not do it for him..If Tat wants his life back then the fight is his.I had to tell him on Weds when I went and saw him, that it was me that got his right to have bond revolked...
How could I, you might ask me??How could I not???
Hes not strong enough to be out here in the free world..
I know hes mad at me, I hope one day, he understands I was trying to save his life and give him time to heal and fight if that is what he wants.. I dont feel guilty and would do it again if I had to.. Its not a power thing its called I love my husband thing..........
Ours sons radio is playin in the back ground the song...
"when a man loves a woman" my song....
"when a woman loves a man"
That is why I do what I do.....


Blessings
Tina

Well its been almost 6mths since I last posted and I thought that I would update this seemingly never to end story.. a story of faith, courage, addictions, tears,wondering, and of love.
My husband Tat is soon to be sent back to prison. And as I have said before, this time its along time 15 is what they are saying.Tat was out of jail for a few months and in that time has once again had heart attacks one right after the other. Honest, he had 3 in a months time. The last one was a 100% blockage and he still has another blockage that is needed to be dealt with. Sick yes he is with his heart because of the life style that he choose for myself.
Through all of this I did file for my divorce, did I want it ? Not at all, I love my husband above everything I have in me. And I know that he loves me as well, yet in his mind he cant seem to shake the meth habit. I use to fear that he used that as an excuse for his actions, and some of you may as well also. I dont know and can not judge that of him. My divorce is to be final this tuesday on the 30th and now I find myself not wanting it at all, stronger than ever before. Why? I know that I deserve so much more that what I have gotten from my husband over the last 9 ys and of course the last 2 that we have been married. I look back and see where we could be if only and I look at where we are now. if only.
I think and know at times, that he is my addiction more
than I really care to admited. I dont know what the future will hold for us, I dont know if I will go and sign those papers and end what I know that I do not want but felt pressured to get. Yes pressured by myself by my family,by my friends and even by his family. I dont know what to do, I dont know where to turn and I surely dont have all the answers but I know this much this has been a long journey and of all the times GOD could have taken Tat and didnt there has to be a reason for this. I dont know how to do all these years with him, I dont know if I can. I know that we share alot of past and yes there were alot of bad but in the same respect there were alot of good. How do you let go of something that you love ?? Just as he loves his meth and cant let go, I cant let go of him. It is to say the least a very sick love but it is
a deep love that we have for each other and I am not sure that I am ready just to give up on it.
What is next, I dont know. Will he even make it home in those years that they give him, I dont know... I only know that, there has to be a reason for this all..
I will keep you posted...

Thanks for reading and please feel free to post and give me your thoughts on this, and if anyone has or is doing a long time with there loved one let me know how you do it.

Be Blessed

Tina

Here I am again pouring my thoughts on to what has

been such a long long story. Tat still sits in county and I

well, I still sit here and wonder about it all. Over the

years. I have learned alot about addiction, I think I could

say I was an expert at it.. But the thing about it is.. The

reason that I dont understand why someone has to go

back when they have had a chance to clean up and

they never even wanted to take the chance.. I dont get

that at all..

So the road this time, they are telling us is !5 yrs day per

day.. WOW !!! That hit me and hit me hard... what

I find really funny, sad, crazy, what ever word you

want to use is that my husband, thinks that I should do

this time with him?? And yes at times I think I should too.

I mean after all he is an addict and addicts have no

control over theirselves when it comes to drugs esp

Meth.... I dont know if I buy that anymore, I think with

anything the want to has to be there. The need to want

to love yourself and those you claim to love has to be

there, you have to at least try.. And all I know is here

we go a 3 rd time.. Oh man, am I ever tried of what

people say an addict can control and not control.. How

does one sit in county for 8mths and get out and be

spun out in least that 24 hrs.? See I am tried of the

excuses that addict make.. When do you learn to fight

for yourself and to learn to love yourself. Tat tells me

right this minute if he were to get out he would never

touch it again.. GOD how many times have I heard that

over the years...??? Sorry, if I dont quite believe him..

Yesterday was our 2 nd weddding aniversary and where

was my husband, in jail once again.. We got married in

prison, on our 1st he was there and now hes there

again.. It rained here yesterday just like it did the day

we got married, and I wondered what the rain was

washing away within me.. He called his sister and

wanted to know where I was cause I didnt go to Sunday

visit like I usally do..Thing is all this damn stress had me

in the ER room for a day and a half.. and yes it stresses

me to the max.. I am tried of trying to figure out if

he loves me really or if he loves me just when he needs

me.. I would so like to think he loves me but I know and

have said before it is a sick love on not just his but my

side as well. I dont know if Tat can ever truly fight off

the demons of addiction to stay clean even on the inside.

I dont know what lies head for us, I only know that I am

damn tired of the excuses that I get. I am mad, hurt,

pizzed off, lonely, sad, and what ever else may come, I

got it.. When do I and his son and grandsons and his

family and GOD become his addiction?? When is enough

enough??? I cant save Tat gave that up along time ago,

but I am smart enough to know that I can save me..

And you know I know how to fight my addiction and not

let it rob me of what he has already...

Blessings

Tina

Here I am again pouring my thoughts on to what has

been such a long long story. Tat still sits in county and I

well, I still sit here and wonder about it all. Over the

years. I have learned alot about addiction, I think I could

say I was an expert at it.. But the thing about it is.. The

reason that I dont understand why someone has to go

back when they have had a chance to clean up and

they never even wanted to take the chance.. I dont get

that at all..

So the road this time, they are telling us is !5 yrs day per

day.. WOW !!! That hit me and hit me hard... what

I find really funny, sad, crazy, what ever word you

want to use is that my husband, thinks that I should do

this time with him?? And yes at times I think I should too.

I mean after all he is an addict and addicts have no

control over theirselves when it comes to drugs esp

Meth.... I dont know if I buy that anymore, I think with

anything the want to has to be there. The need to want

to love yourself and those you claim to love has to be

there, you have to at least try.. And all I know is here

we go a 3 rd time.. Oh man, am I ever tried of what

people say an addict can control and not control.. How

does one sit in county for 8mths and get out and be

spun out in least that 24 hrs.? See I am tried of the

excuses that addict make.. When do you learn to fight

for yourself and to learn to love yourself. Tat tells me

right this minute if he were to get out he would never

touch it again.. GOD how many times have I heard that

over the years...??? Sorry, if I dont quite believe him..

Yesterday was our 2 nd weddding aniversary and where

was my husband, in jail once again.. We got married in

prison, on our 1st he was there and now hes there

again.. It rained here yesterday just like it did the day

we got married, and I wondered what the rain was

washing away within me.. He called his sister and

wanted to know where I was cause I didnt go to Sunday

visit like I usally do..Thing is all this damn stress had me

in the ER room for a day and a half.. and yes it stresses

me to the max.. I am tried of trying to figure out if

he loves me really or if he loves me just when he needs

me.. I would so like to think he loves me but I know and

have said before it is a sick love on not just his but my

side as well. I dont know if Tat can ever truly fight off

the demons of addiction to stay clean even on the inside.

I dont know what lies head for us, I only know that I am

damn tired of the excuses that I get. I am mad, hurt,

pizzed off, lonely, sad, and what ever else may come, I

got it.. When do I and his son and grandsons and his

family and GOD become his addiction?? When is enough

enough??? I cant save Tat gave that up along time ago,

but I am smart enough to know that I can save me..

And you know I know how to fight my addiction and not

let it rob me of what he has already...

Blessings

Tina

I'm sorry for what you are going through.
My husband and I are trying to understand addiction also. Our youngest son (20) is an addict. Currently in rehab....and in trouble with the law. It is one mad rollercoaster.
On top of it we have another son (22), in prison serving a long mandatory sentence for passively participating in an armed robbery. All I can say, as parents, this has totally ROCKED our world.
Our youngest son's addiction did not fully come to light until the year our middle son was facing court and prison time. I think our youngest son's drug & alcohol use was stepped up to a whole new level.
Our youngest son, was totally blown away with what his brother was facing....because this was totally out of character for this brother/son to be in ANY kind of trouble what-so-ever. BUT LIKE ONE OF THE JUDGES SAID TO OUR ADDICT SON.....IT IS STILL NO EXCUSE TO USE...which I do agree.

All of this has been a rude awakening for our family. You would think that our youngest son would be scared straight seeing what his brother is faced with.
Each time our son has been in trouble and in county jail he does the whole promise bit....how he wants to get his life on track....you name it.
I truly believe when he is in that MOMENT he is speaking from the heart, but than as soon as he gets the chance... BOOM he sabatages himself.

I want to get in his brain & fix him. I want to turn off that impulse switch.....I know you know what I mean.

I know you are feeling great dispair. I keep trying to hold on to my faith in GOD, knowing that he is in control. It's hard not to get mad or question why God has allowed this to happen. I didn't expect my life or my families life to take this kind of turn....My husband & I never saw it coming.
These past couple of years I have become a lot less judgemental....in some areas. I guess that's a good thing.
I agree with you totally when you said:
"When do I and his son and grandsons and his

family and GOD become his addiction?? When is enough

enough???"
YOUR HUSBAND AND MY SON HAVE A SPIRITUAL VOID. THEY NEED TO ACCEPT THE LORD AND QUIT FILLING THEIR NEED FOR GOD WITH SUBSTITUTES.

Keep up your strength. I know the decisions you have made are not easy.

I havent posted here... since July of this year... as I write this, I was just finishing talking to my husband. Yes, here I am again.. and here we go again...
It's going to be a long road ahead for us.. Tat got 15yrs and the first 5 must be served with no gain time. Am I mad? Yes I am , but I am sad and a lot more emotions that I just dont even have names for.
I sometimes think that I must be crazy for standing by him after all that has been said and done. But I know that if I did not have him or had lost him to the streets, the drugs and the heart attacks.. I would be much much sadder than I am now. I am not sad that he is there, I am almost thankful.. no I am very thankful..
Addiction is something that I think none of us or any person on earth will never fully ever understand. I use to think I knew it all when it came to addiction.. I mean after all I have been through just about everything with Tat.. Yet I am finding that it is such a horrible diease that at times I do believe there is no cure for.. a monster that eats away at a good man, one that consumes families, wives, you name it.. it takes it and robs the very soul of who ever gets in its way....even if you are not the user..
Yet, I do believe that all things happen for a reason.. I have lost my husband so many times to the streets, to the white girl.. and when he had his last heart attack, I surely thought that I had lost him for good....
Yes, I am mad that here we go again.. and yes I am mad that it is for such a long time.. but I am thankful that my husband is alive and sober.. and even if it be in prison then so be it.. cause if I could not talk to him, hold his hand, kiss is lips, hear his voice or his laugh, if our son's father , my grand kids grandfather, my husband, my lover, my best friend were to leave this earth because of the drugs.. I think I would die along with him.. at least the drugs has not totally won.. and as long as he breaths and he is safe and sober.. then the fight is still there to be fought.. even if I am mad and even if here we go again..... I know that I have my husband and I know that my love for him is one that will never go away.. and I also know that he loves me and for now that truly is enough....

Blessings

Tina