Tonight, on one of the many nights that I cannot sleep, I was wandering around the internet and found a website dedicated to the writings of a dear friend.

One of the stories she has recently written was entitled "Lost" it dealt with the fact that no matter how small the prison world is physically - one can still get lost in a prison.

The story that Elizabeth wrote started me thinking about life and how as I approach my 52nd year and how "Lost" I am in life.

I remember my first night in prison and how lost I felt that night, I was awake all night out of fear and uncertainty, what led me here, how did I begin the path that brought me here, what does tomorrow hold for my life?

In March of 2003 I came home and I remember having much the same fears and thoughts, where now, what now is in store for me in life?

I have been home for two years and five months on the 17th of August, the day after tomorrow, and I still ask those questions.

With the help of my family, and friends, I have made a wonderful comeback, and I still ask those questions.

In an odd sort of way, I find myself looking back at my time in prison with some comfort and security. For I knew from one moment to the next what was in store for me during in each day. Wake up, count, breakfast, count, work, count, lunch, work, back to the unit, supper, count, shower, read, write letters, count, lights out. Day in day out except on visitation day and Sunday and holidays.

The security of knowing what life would bring from one moment to the next - and the boredom of knowing.

Except when one was lost, and wandering through life with no direction or purpose. Even in prison one can and is lost. I was, when I was sent to prison I did not know who Patricia Dawn was, when I came home I was in much the same mess. I know who she is now. I know she has strength, I know she is no longer lost in life.

What the time in prison and the last two years and five months have taught me is this:

We never know what the next moment may bring, but I know that I have survived the low times of life, and in that experience I have gained the strength to regain the best in my life, times get rough still, and at times I still lose my way, but now I have the strength and knowledge to find my path in life again.

Thank You Elizabeth, for being the dear friend you are, and helping me know who I am.

Patti

The security of knowing what life would bring from one moment to the next - and the boredom of knowing.

Except when one was lost, and wandering through life with no direction or purpose.

Wow. Touched my very soul. I have sat here staring at these two sentences while I smoked two cigarettes..... wondering....... wondering...... how long I have felt lost? Just wandering through life, in some sense of security knowing what was going to happen from one moment to the next, and hating every moment. Lost. Not sure what to do with MY life, but knowing that I can't stand the present situation.

Things are wonderful with Fellah home, but all that energy and purpose I had before is gone, and now I don't know what to do for ME.

I have a quick little illustration on how I look at life.

My mother makes a dish that she calls spanish rice, and I was having a craving for some. I passed the idea by Fellah, and he balked at the idea.

Last Friday, we made a trip to Seattle for the day, and mom had a dish of some spanish rice that my sister had made the night before. They had gotten together to make the dish just so I would have some to bring hiome. That touched me dearly.

I got home, was a little hungry, so I microwaved the rice, ate about 1/4 of it, and went to place it on the kitchen counter to put the lid back on. Missed the counter, the rice goes flying to the floor, and I step right in in with my stocking feet.

I can't type what I said at that moment. But that was a perfect example of how I feel life is. Finally getting something I love and is comforting, secure, and it falls apart, and I step in it, having to throw it away. Just a taste, never full.

I wish I could find my path in life, as you have.

JJT