Hello All. I have a question for anyone who might have an anwser or advice. My ex husband and I split up and divorced a while back. He is incarated and has been for the last 3 years. We have a son together. He is 5. He was only about 6 months old when we spilt. I am remarried and have been for almost 4 years now. Our son is uncertain of the chain of events, and knows that Jeremy is his father, but not sure how or why. He knows he is in prison and why. But since my telling him he just doesn't understand why. We went to see him last Thanksgiving, and I cried because he couldn't understand why he couldn't leave with us. Our son has also been diagnosed with oppisitional defiance disorder. I guess I am just kinda afraid for our son because he has had so much happen in his life already. I was just wondering if anyone has any advice for me? I just don't want to confuse him any more than he already is!

Is there a way you can explain (at his level) that his daddy will have to stay there til (and give a date or til his program is done etc...)? Explain that it's the "rules" and after that time daddy will be out etc...? Try and equate it to "time out" and how kids get in trouble when they do something wrong...Now, I'm assuming your ex did what he's in for and if he didn't then this kind of explaination wouldn't work...

Deb

I have tried to explain to a way he would understand but it is kinda hard because of the disorder he has. My ex is in because of arson, and my son knows this and threatens to burn things often. I have had him seen by a behavior specailist. My biggest fear is that this will make the realsonship our son has with him hurt only because before they were not really close. I don't want my son to blame me for trying to keep him from his father as he gets older. But sometimes I feel that he would be better without all the conflict. So I am kinda torn as far as what is best for him. I am fairly young (25) and not quite sure how to handle things.

Chrystal

Bless you child... The thing that you must do right now is get some professional counseling for you son... He needs help. He is feeling guilty about loving his father, who has committed this crime.. He is trying to relate to that love....

Sherri13 is a child counselor... Send her a PM... I know she has her own problems right now, but I also know she will tell you where you can get this help...

My prayers are with you child....

Donna

Thank you for the info. How ever I have had him in counseling and I asked his pediatrician if i should make him go again and she said no because it would not do him any good at his age. He is too young to be able to understand it. So I am not sure. I just don't want him to resent his father. Or me.

Tough one! I know there are groups in California made up of kids that have a parent in Prison. I would get him involved some how with that type of Counseling. He needs to know that he isn't the only one! There are other kids just like him. Maybe a Camp type setting too!

My son's dad was on the road of Prison and I split with him before he got into trouble. He finally did get into trouble and went to Prison.

I kept my son from him thinking it was for the best. But, my son felt that I lied to him and he felt that was worst.

My son is 25 now and his dad is 50. I can ask my son the next time he calls what he thinks about this! Or you can E-mail him and I will print it out and mail it to him! After all he was in your son's place 20 years ago.

RichardRittenour@aol.com

I will also ask his father what he thinks! I'm sure he feels it was best not to bring kids into Prison and make them confused at such a young age.

Prayers are coming your way!
Love
Kathy

Sounds like your son is not only conflicted cause of why your ex-husband is in but is role modeling after him as well and trying on the behavior by talking about it for now....

Have you tried explaining to him that this isn't ok to do and why? I'm sure that the counselor already has him on a behavior plan with positive and negative consequences. It may be important to put the behavior of talking about starting fires on the behavior plan as well and kick in a negative consequence for it....Kids with ODD have the best outcomes if they're put on a behavior modification plan and it is adhered to strictly....They need these boundaries.

Somehow your son has got to come to see that this is not appropriate behavior....

Deb

Thank you for all of your advice.
Deb,
I have and as also my ex and current husband too have told him that this behavior was not exceptable. I did however have my ex disscuss this with him when we visited him in November also. He seems to be better about it now, than in the past. But I am just afraid of this having a negitive affect toward his father because I have always tried to explain to all my kids right from wrong. But I have told him (my son) that even though his father made a mistake that doesn't mean he is a bad person. I guess I just need some postitive reinforcement that I am doing the right thing. Because on one hand he seems to think the police are bad for making his father locked up but in another sence he thinks his father is bad. But I don't want him to think either of them are bad. Do you think it's maybe his age?

Crystal, We all have things in life we have to wrok thru NO matter what age we are. Yes this is all confusing and painful to your son, but eventually with your help, your current husbands help, and his daddy's help, he will make it thru. I would continue to take him to vissits, for this will help create a wonderful bond between the 2 of them. He won't be locked up forever, and when he does come home your boy will thank you for allowing them to have a relationship. I struggled with alot of the same issues with my daughter who is now 2. I've never not visited. I think your boy is sad and it all hurts right now, but keeping him from him is only going to confuse him more. THe pain and confusion he is going thru is normal. And it will make him a stronger boy as long as he has positive intervention from all of you to help him understand and make it thru. GOOD LUCK!!!!

Stacy

sorry to hear about your son. i'm in a simialar situation. my daughter is 9 and her dad is locked up in tx prison. she has never met him. up until a few weeks ago i told her about him only because he was in the news here in town. she was a little surprised cuz i guess his picture (it wasnt very flaterring). my husband is the only daddy she knows. he has been with her for the past 7 years. i dont knows how she really feels about the whole situation because she never said much. i kinda think is was because of the whole story. he getting married to another inmate so that made BIG news here is sa. i dont want to hide anything from her but i'm afraid she'll get hurt. this little girl is my world. sometimes things are better left a secret till kids can actually uderstand things. better yet maybe your love and caring and that of your husband is all he needs. after all kids look up to the people who have always been there for them. my ex has always told people that when he gets out he is going to do good for his dauhter. 9 years later and in and our of prison at least 4 times no differance. good luck and god bless you and your family!!

OK here's my "old grandma " insight on this. Little kids of this age don't understand most of what they're told about things like this. But with kids, you kind of have to read between the line and think like a little kid. They can't put words to what their reasoning is, even if you ask them. My hunch is that he'd like to spend more time with his dad, so he thinks maybe if he starts some fires, they might put him in with his daddy for awhile. Or even if it's not that specific, kids do get the notion that they want to try doing thngs they hear about, and maybe that's part of it. You all can scoff and laugh, but I have a way with kids with problems, and I'd almost bet there's something similar to this in the back of his mind where he might not totally be aware of it. Try mentioning to him that they don't put children in prison for starting fires. See if you can get him to start talking about it on his level. You might be surprised.

Here's another "kid level" thought that may be going on with him. Maybe he wonders if children would get put in prison for anything, so he's testing it out to see what people's reactions will be to his threat to set fires.

Here's an example of this "kid think" from my own life:

( I know----why didn't I put all this in one post-----Idunno!)

Any way, when my daughter was in prison and within a couple days of getting released, we took the girls, who were four and two, up to the prison for a graduation ceremony she was having from a program. McKenzie, the four year old, was told that Mommy was coming home in a couple days. Well, she wanted to stay and spend the night with Mommy and we could come get them both, she figured. We told her no, that she wouldn't be allowed to do that. Well, on previous visits, my husband and I had talked about an area outside the fence where we couldn't take her on a walk when she wanted to go in there, the reason being that the guards would "put us in jail, too", we told her. Little did we know that when we went to that graduation a long time later, her little mind would take off with that thought! Her mom and some guards were inside the fence, totally panic-stricken when suddenly, right before we got to the car, McKenzie took off running back into that area! The prison for women is overlooked by the guard towers of OSP, and everyone was frantic because they were afraid the guards in the towers were going to shoot because of course, my husband took off in there to grab McKenzie for fear she'd touch the fence and they'd see him before they'd see a tiny little girl he was chasing. It hadn't been too many years since Diane Downs escaped from that prison. Turns out that, to her four year old way of thinking, if she went back in that area, they'd put her in with Mommy and she'd have to stay till we came for Mommy! Her mom, the guards, her Papa and me were ALL sprouting some grey hairs on that day! The guards in the women's prison were able to let the towers know what was going on, but they might not have been fast enough and we all knew it. So you never know for sure what a little child might come up with.

I tell my kids ( 4 and 3 y/o) Daddy broke adult rules and needs a time out. That when a grown up needs a time out they have to go to jail.
You ladies have opened my eyes to the error in my logic. Now I will tell him only grown ups go to to jail for a time out and he is too little he has to do his time outs in the corner.
Any other advice I would appreciate. I sure dont want them to think they go to jail cause they broke mommys rules.