Forever_Lovers
08-01-2005, 11:36 AM
Secrets of Great Relationships
Part 1: The Power of Grace
February 22, 2004 - by Dr. John Townsend (http://www.purposedrivenlife.com/articles/authors.aspx#jt)</FONT>
Welcome to our series on GREAT RELATIONSHIPS and how you can have them! We all desire the good things a thriving, healthy relationship provides-things like love, tenderness, intimacy, companionship, security, protection, help and more. God wants you to have all these things, and He provides a way for you to experience these good things: through connection. God created you for connection, both with Himself and other people, and He has designed ways to help you grow into the relationships you need and long for. We are excited about your own prospects to create great relationships, whether you want to improve a struggling one, or make a good one great.
In this first article of three, we wanted to start with the foundation and beginning of any great relationship. That foundation is grace. This is a word that you often hear describing our spiritual relationship with God, and that is the origin of it. Grace is, briefly defined, unmerited favor, and is the basis of how God relates to us, by favoring us through love and not through performance: "For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith-and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God (Eph. 2:8)." It is favors that God provides to us that we could never provide for ourselves.
But grace is not just about you and God. It is also about you and others. Any relationship that grows in intimacy, respect and freedom must also be based on grace. Let's break this down into its main themes.
Its basis. The love and care of any healthy relationship is freely given, rather than earned. That is, two people connect from the heart because they want to be together and be good to each other. And, though it's important to have standards and requirements of conduct and love, no one is keeping a scorecard! Think how sometimes little kids will say, "You aren't nice to me so I'm not your friend anymore." Well, there is nothing wrong with telling someone you don't like their behavior. But to stop caring about that person is a different matter. Give grace and love freely and generously. When both people extend unconditional grace, it warms the heart and brings people closer.
Its benefits. Not only is grace something that is unearned, it conveys "favors," or benefits. That is, grace gives something good to the receiver of grace. There are many elements of love and growth that grace provides in a relationship. Here are a few:
· Compassion and empathy
· Comfort
· Encouragement
· Understanding
· Safety
· Acceptance
· Wisdom and guidance
The list could go on and on. The point is, all of these aspects of agreat relationship are based on grace. Look at grace as the fuel of a relationship. When the connection has problems, or is running dry, it is often because grace is not flowing freely between two people. Open up the pipeline!
Its effects. When two people provide grace for each other as the Bible describes it, there is nothing like it. People become vulnerable, emotionally accessible and intimate with each other. Grace tends to bring about more grace. I have seen couples who have been together for many years find that, when they established a grace relationship, things transformed between them into closeness, safety and intimacy that they had never had before. Grace truly brings life to a connection.
Its sources. The best grace-filled relationships are those in which the individuals are receiving their "fuel" not only from each other, but also from God and safe people who are "for" you and the relationship. Life and relationship are demanding and require much of us. You need to make sure that you are actively involved in taking in and using the love and favor that the Lord and good people have for you. You are not enough for each other. Learn to connect outside the relationship, as well as inside it.
We were created for grace-based relationships, and you cannot go wrong when you extend it to others. Learn both ends: how to receive it, and how to provide it. As you do, your relationship can take on the handprints of the One who made all relationships: "Grace and peace to you from God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ (2 Cor. 1:2)."
Part Two: The Power of Truth
March 08, 2005 - by Henry Cloud </FONT>
Have you ever had a relationship and discovered that you did not know what the other person was really feeling or thinking? You were "together," and logging time, but you found yourself sometimes wondering, "Where is he?" or, "Is something wrong?" Or maybe you can relate to having a relationship where you thought things were fine and then you found out from a third party that the other person was upset with you, or did not like something you were doing, but had not told you directly. Do you remember how you felt?
Both of those scenarios are familiar to most of us. Not only are they disappointing and hurtful, but they can wear away at our very ability to trust someone and have the kind of connectedness that we saw in Part One of this series. Even worse, if you have enough of those experiences, you may begin to give up on relationship altogether. Many people just choose the numb safety of protecting themselves from any more of that kind of hurt.
What is wrong when this happens? And, what can be done about it? The problem in both of these examples is that one of the key ingredients of relationship itself has broken down: truth. Without truth, the very fabric of relationship itself begins to unravel. The connection disintegrates, and the benefits that love can provide us begin to wane. Let's take a look at why.
Will the Real Person I Love Please Stand Up?
The first problem that a lack of truth causes is a "false" relationship. The one that you are trusting and connecting with is not the total real person. There are other parts of them, other feelings, other thoughts or motives that are not being disclosed to you, and therefore they are unknown to you. So you think you are dealing with one person, and yet there is a lot of that person that is not in the relationship. It is almost like there is another person that you do not know. You think you have a connection, but you really don't. One of the Bible's words for that is hypocrite, a word that Jesus used with pretty strong language. It literally means an "actor," or playing a "false part." In other words, what you see is not what you get. So, there is a whole other person we don't know.
Intimacy Breaks Down
Fulfilling relationships are a result of what is called "intimacy." It means to really know and experience someone. If we are not being honest, there is only surface connection, or as we saw above, false connection, and intimacy does not happen. Even if there is grace, or acceptance, that acceptance does not actually get to the real heart that needs to be accepted if it is hiding. The acceptance is lost on the surface.
So, the very goal of relationship is lost. Intimacy cannot happen if we are not being truthful about what is going on inside our hearts, minds, and souls. We are "in" the relationship, but "not in it" at the same time. As a result, the good things that we want to share with each other are lost, and the pains and weaknesses that need to be healed are never revealed either. James tells us to "confess our faults to one another," and pray for one another so that we may be healed (James 5:16). That kind of honesty builds intimacy in the places where we need it most, and requires us to tell the truth.
We Lose What We Need to Know
One of the best things that we can do for one another is to give truthful feedback to each other when we need it. We grow from hearing the truth. As Proverbs tells us, "Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses" (Prov 27:6). Spouses, family members, and true friends sometimes tell each other hard things that need to be said. That is how we grow, and it is how we get close. It is the way that we get more intimate, as problems get resolved and hurts overcome. It is the redemptive path by which God reestablishes intimacy with us. He confronts things, talks about them, forgives them, and intimacy is redeemed.
Paul puts it this way: "Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor, for we are all members of one body" (Eph 4:25). Notice how he pairs oneness (members of one body) with truthfulness. They go together. You cannot have one without the other. As John says, Jesus was full of "grace and truth." Grace is not grace without truth-it is syrupy sentimentality or license. Real grace loves and accepts what truly is, with no hiding or pretense.
So, when we are honest with each other about the hard things, we grow. We benefit from the love that we share and become better people in the process. As a result, the relationship grows and the cycle of health and life just gets better and better. Truth and grace have their effect, and we become more truthful and graceful, and that leads to more love all over again.
Into the Light
God lives in the light, and in him there is no darkness at all (1 John 2:5). He is always truthful and does not hide anything in the darkness. That is part of why his love is pure. And that is the goal for all of our relationships as well. Love from a pure heart brings the most fulfilling relationships. And to accomplish that, we need to be truthful. It is difficult, often scary, and many times risky. But in the end, it is the path to true love. Let's all endeavor to be like him and love in both grace and truth. God bless.
Part Three: Growth
Secrets of Great Relationships
April 20, 2005 - by Dr. John Townsend (http://www.purposedrivenlife.com/articles/authors.aspx#jt)</FONT>
Do you want a relationship that is happy? Of course-who wouldn't? We all want happiness in our lives and relationships. However, how one achieves happiness in a relationship is one of the best-kept secrets I know! Here it is: People involved in top-quality relationships do not seek happiness. Instead, they seek growth. Growth, in turn, creates happiness.
Not what you'd expect, but it's true! Great relationships are made up of two people actively involved in the process of spiritual and personal growth. They believe in transformation and change, and they're growing. And growing people receive happiness and joy as a byproduct of the changes they are making in their own lives.
Happiness is a great result-but a poor goal. Have you ever heard someone complain that his relationship was not doing well because "she doesn't make me happy"? Such a comment is based on a false assumption, one that has led the person to the wrong relational goal. Relationships weren't intended to "make us happy." Happiness doesn't always bring growth, which is what God is really interested in. If you want a prime example of someone who is focused on having others make him happy, look at a three year-old. He demands-loudly-that others live life his way. But a three-year-old is not an appropriate role model for an adult who is capable of true love and able to maintain a relationship.
The Bible tells us to head for a different goal. Jesus taught us that hungering for his righteousness, which involves the growth process, is a blessed and fulfilling endeavor, for only the life of God will satisfy us: "Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled" (Matt. 5:6).
When you understand how this plays out in relationships, you'll see the value of jumping into the growth process. Here are a few thoughts to help you catch the vision:
Opportunities for growth abound. There are many things we all could work on to become better people. Take a look at the brief list below and see which issues you and the person in your life can most identify with:
· Problems opening up and being vulnerable
· Self-sufficiency and attempts to be a strong person
· Inability to confront and be truthful
· Blaming and not taking ownership of our part in problems
· Issues of faith and connection to God
· Perfectionism and avoidance,instead of willingness to be real and authentic
· Baggage from the past that burdens the present
· A judging and condemning conscience
The list could go on, but it's a good place to start. When two people commit themselves to supporting each other's growth, they are going a long way toward transforming themselves, each other, and their relationship.
Growth affects the relationship. When each of you gets beyond "I want to be happy" and into "I want to grow," the relationship itself becomes transformed. Growing people become more vulnerable and open with each other. They give each other grace and acceptance, because they themselves have experienced the need for grace. They tell each other the truth, because they realize that truth helps growth. They celebrate each other's baby steps, because they understand how hard growth is. The relationship itself becomes a new entity, full of life and light.
Growth affects the individual. Not only is the relationship being renewed, but each party in the relationship is becoming a new creation as he or she grows. A growing person becomes more lovable, more humble, more responsible, and more forgiving. He or she is able to more freely love and be loved. Such a person becomes increasingly attractive to others.
It's basically a matter of relational addition: One growing person + one growing person = one growing relationship. The relationship in turn supports each individual's growth, and that growth then nurtures the relationship, setting up a happy cycle of growth, with the result that everyone increases in maturity. This is what Christ was referring to when He said: "From him the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work" (Eph. 4:16).
Even one person can make a difference. Unfortunately, in some cases only one person in a relationship is invested in spiritual and personal growth. If you happen to be that one person, you may be feeling discouraged and alone. However, this isn't the end of the world. You can do a lot to change your relationship. Just keep in mind that while you may only be 50 percent of the relationship, you can still make a 100 percentdifference!This attitude can help a great deal. Your modeling, your patience, your openness, and your honesty can make a huge impact on how the other person perceives and experiences the growth process. Many, many people have changed because they were around a person who was growing and changing.
So if you want to be happy, get growing! Sit down with the person you love and start talking issues, growth, and process. God will be there, for He is very interested in those realities. God bless you.
Part 1: The Power of Grace
February 22, 2004 - by Dr. John Townsend (http://www.purposedrivenlife.com/articles/authors.aspx#jt)</FONT>
Welcome to our series on GREAT RELATIONSHIPS and how you can have them! We all desire the good things a thriving, healthy relationship provides-things like love, tenderness, intimacy, companionship, security, protection, help and more. God wants you to have all these things, and He provides a way for you to experience these good things: through connection. God created you for connection, both with Himself and other people, and He has designed ways to help you grow into the relationships you need and long for. We are excited about your own prospects to create great relationships, whether you want to improve a struggling one, or make a good one great.
In this first article of three, we wanted to start with the foundation and beginning of any great relationship. That foundation is grace. This is a word that you often hear describing our spiritual relationship with God, and that is the origin of it. Grace is, briefly defined, unmerited favor, and is the basis of how God relates to us, by favoring us through love and not through performance: "For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith-and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God (Eph. 2:8)." It is favors that God provides to us that we could never provide for ourselves.
But grace is not just about you and God. It is also about you and others. Any relationship that grows in intimacy, respect and freedom must also be based on grace. Let's break this down into its main themes.
Its basis. The love and care of any healthy relationship is freely given, rather than earned. That is, two people connect from the heart because they want to be together and be good to each other. And, though it's important to have standards and requirements of conduct and love, no one is keeping a scorecard! Think how sometimes little kids will say, "You aren't nice to me so I'm not your friend anymore." Well, there is nothing wrong with telling someone you don't like their behavior. But to stop caring about that person is a different matter. Give grace and love freely and generously. When both people extend unconditional grace, it warms the heart and brings people closer.
Its benefits. Not only is grace something that is unearned, it conveys "favors," or benefits. That is, grace gives something good to the receiver of grace. There are many elements of love and growth that grace provides in a relationship. Here are a few:
· Compassion and empathy
· Comfort
· Encouragement
· Understanding
· Safety
· Acceptance
· Wisdom and guidance
The list could go on and on. The point is, all of these aspects of agreat relationship are based on grace. Look at grace as the fuel of a relationship. When the connection has problems, or is running dry, it is often because grace is not flowing freely between two people. Open up the pipeline!
Its effects. When two people provide grace for each other as the Bible describes it, there is nothing like it. People become vulnerable, emotionally accessible and intimate with each other. Grace tends to bring about more grace. I have seen couples who have been together for many years find that, when they established a grace relationship, things transformed between them into closeness, safety and intimacy that they had never had before. Grace truly brings life to a connection.
Its sources. The best grace-filled relationships are those in which the individuals are receiving their "fuel" not only from each other, but also from God and safe people who are "for" you and the relationship. Life and relationship are demanding and require much of us. You need to make sure that you are actively involved in taking in and using the love and favor that the Lord and good people have for you. You are not enough for each other. Learn to connect outside the relationship, as well as inside it.
We were created for grace-based relationships, and you cannot go wrong when you extend it to others. Learn both ends: how to receive it, and how to provide it. As you do, your relationship can take on the handprints of the One who made all relationships: "Grace and peace to you from God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ (2 Cor. 1:2)."
Part Two: The Power of Truth
March 08, 2005 - by Henry Cloud </FONT>
Have you ever had a relationship and discovered that you did not know what the other person was really feeling or thinking? You were "together," and logging time, but you found yourself sometimes wondering, "Where is he?" or, "Is something wrong?" Or maybe you can relate to having a relationship where you thought things were fine and then you found out from a third party that the other person was upset with you, or did not like something you were doing, but had not told you directly. Do you remember how you felt?
Both of those scenarios are familiar to most of us. Not only are they disappointing and hurtful, but they can wear away at our very ability to trust someone and have the kind of connectedness that we saw in Part One of this series. Even worse, if you have enough of those experiences, you may begin to give up on relationship altogether. Many people just choose the numb safety of protecting themselves from any more of that kind of hurt.
What is wrong when this happens? And, what can be done about it? The problem in both of these examples is that one of the key ingredients of relationship itself has broken down: truth. Without truth, the very fabric of relationship itself begins to unravel. The connection disintegrates, and the benefits that love can provide us begin to wane. Let's take a look at why.
Will the Real Person I Love Please Stand Up?
The first problem that a lack of truth causes is a "false" relationship. The one that you are trusting and connecting with is not the total real person. There are other parts of them, other feelings, other thoughts or motives that are not being disclosed to you, and therefore they are unknown to you. So you think you are dealing with one person, and yet there is a lot of that person that is not in the relationship. It is almost like there is another person that you do not know. You think you have a connection, but you really don't. One of the Bible's words for that is hypocrite, a word that Jesus used with pretty strong language. It literally means an "actor," or playing a "false part." In other words, what you see is not what you get. So, there is a whole other person we don't know.
Intimacy Breaks Down
Fulfilling relationships are a result of what is called "intimacy." It means to really know and experience someone. If we are not being honest, there is only surface connection, or as we saw above, false connection, and intimacy does not happen. Even if there is grace, or acceptance, that acceptance does not actually get to the real heart that needs to be accepted if it is hiding. The acceptance is lost on the surface.
So, the very goal of relationship is lost. Intimacy cannot happen if we are not being truthful about what is going on inside our hearts, minds, and souls. We are "in" the relationship, but "not in it" at the same time. As a result, the good things that we want to share with each other are lost, and the pains and weaknesses that need to be healed are never revealed either. James tells us to "confess our faults to one another," and pray for one another so that we may be healed (James 5:16). That kind of honesty builds intimacy in the places where we need it most, and requires us to tell the truth.
We Lose What We Need to Know
One of the best things that we can do for one another is to give truthful feedback to each other when we need it. We grow from hearing the truth. As Proverbs tells us, "Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses" (Prov 27:6). Spouses, family members, and true friends sometimes tell each other hard things that need to be said. That is how we grow, and it is how we get close. It is the way that we get more intimate, as problems get resolved and hurts overcome. It is the redemptive path by which God reestablishes intimacy with us. He confronts things, talks about them, forgives them, and intimacy is redeemed.
Paul puts it this way: "Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor, for we are all members of one body" (Eph 4:25). Notice how he pairs oneness (members of one body) with truthfulness. They go together. You cannot have one without the other. As John says, Jesus was full of "grace and truth." Grace is not grace without truth-it is syrupy sentimentality or license. Real grace loves and accepts what truly is, with no hiding or pretense.
So, when we are honest with each other about the hard things, we grow. We benefit from the love that we share and become better people in the process. As a result, the relationship grows and the cycle of health and life just gets better and better. Truth and grace have their effect, and we become more truthful and graceful, and that leads to more love all over again.
Into the Light
God lives in the light, and in him there is no darkness at all (1 John 2:5). He is always truthful and does not hide anything in the darkness. That is part of why his love is pure. And that is the goal for all of our relationships as well. Love from a pure heart brings the most fulfilling relationships. And to accomplish that, we need to be truthful. It is difficult, often scary, and many times risky. But in the end, it is the path to true love. Let's all endeavor to be like him and love in both grace and truth. God bless.
Part Three: Growth
Secrets of Great Relationships
April 20, 2005 - by Dr. John Townsend (http://www.purposedrivenlife.com/articles/authors.aspx#jt)</FONT>
Do you want a relationship that is happy? Of course-who wouldn't? We all want happiness in our lives and relationships. However, how one achieves happiness in a relationship is one of the best-kept secrets I know! Here it is: People involved in top-quality relationships do not seek happiness. Instead, they seek growth. Growth, in turn, creates happiness.
Not what you'd expect, but it's true! Great relationships are made up of two people actively involved in the process of spiritual and personal growth. They believe in transformation and change, and they're growing. And growing people receive happiness and joy as a byproduct of the changes they are making in their own lives.
Happiness is a great result-but a poor goal. Have you ever heard someone complain that his relationship was not doing well because "she doesn't make me happy"? Such a comment is based on a false assumption, one that has led the person to the wrong relational goal. Relationships weren't intended to "make us happy." Happiness doesn't always bring growth, which is what God is really interested in. If you want a prime example of someone who is focused on having others make him happy, look at a three year-old. He demands-loudly-that others live life his way. But a three-year-old is not an appropriate role model for an adult who is capable of true love and able to maintain a relationship.
The Bible tells us to head for a different goal. Jesus taught us that hungering for his righteousness, which involves the growth process, is a blessed and fulfilling endeavor, for only the life of God will satisfy us: "Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled" (Matt. 5:6).
When you understand how this plays out in relationships, you'll see the value of jumping into the growth process. Here are a few thoughts to help you catch the vision:
Opportunities for growth abound. There are many things we all could work on to become better people. Take a look at the brief list below and see which issues you and the person in your life can most identify with:
· Problems opening up and being vulnerable
· Self-sufficiency and attempts to be a strong person
· Inability to confront and be truthful
· Blaming and not taking ownership of our part in problems
· Issues of faith and connection to God
· Perfectionism and avoidance,instead of willingness to be real and authentic
· Baggage from the past that burdens the present
· A judging and condemning conscience
The list could go on, but it's a good place to start. When two people commit themselves to supporting each other's growth, they are going a long way toward transforming themselves, each other, and their relationship.
Growth affects the relationship. When each of you gets beyond "I want to be happy" and into "I want to grow," the relationship itself becomes transformed. Growing people become more vulnerable and open with each other. They give each other grace and acceptance, because they themselves have experienced the need for grace. They tell each other the truth, because they realize that truth helps growth. They celebrate each other's baby steps, because they understand how hard growth is. The relationship itself becomes a new entity, full of life and light.
Growth affects the individual. Not only is the relationship being renewed, but each party in the relationship is becoming a new creation as he or she grows. A growing person becomes more lovable, more humble, more responsible, and more forgiving. He or she is able to more freely love and be loved. Such a person becomes increasingly attractive to others.
It's basically a matter of relational addition: One growing person + one growing person = one growing relationship. The relationship in turn supports each individual's growth, and that growth then nurtures the relationship, setting up a happy cycle of growth, with the result that everyone increases in maturity. This is what Christ was referring to when He said: "From him the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work" (Eph. 4:16).
Even one person can make a difference. Unfortunately, in some cases only one person in a relationship is invested in spiritual and personal growth. If you happen to be that one person, you may be feeling discouraged and alone. However, this isn't the end of the world. You can do a lot to change your relationship. Just keep in mind that while you may only be 50 percent of the relationship, you can still make a 100 percentdifference!This attitude can help a great deal. Your modeling, your patience, your openness, and your honesty can make a huge impact on how the other person perceives and experiences the growth process. Many, many people have changed because they were around a person who was growing and changing.
So if you want to be happy, get growing! Sit down with the person you love and start talking issues, growth, and process. God will be there, for He is very interested in those realities. God bless you.