mlynnm
07-20-2005, 05:28 PM
by Karen Schenk
Single or married, why you can't afford to neglect female friends
Our friends are among life's greatest treasures. They help us negotiate the difficult hurdles of life--the travails of puberty, our "unreasonable" parents, our 20-something romances. Later they coach us through first-time motherhood. They are there when kids go off to college and will walk us through menopause. In their presence we laugh about what drove us crazy hours before, with them we cry without shame, knowing we will be understood.
Such intimacy requires and investment of time, energy and emotions. There's always the risk--will I get hurt?
But the dividends of intimate friendship are so many, that we simply can't afford not to make the investment.
Women fulfill relational needs
In their attempt to help us deal with problems, men focus on solutions, not feelings. Psychologist Dr. Josselson, describes male development as hierarchical, using the image of the pyramid, and female development as interconnected, like a web. [i] Throughout their lives, men are concerned with ascendancy and self-protection in conversation and life, but women make themselves vulnerable in order to anchor their lives in relationships with men, children and other women. Part of the way we make ourselves vulnerable in our relationships is through conversations.
A woman wants words that recognize her feelings, for these words show that her husband cares. She wants her husband to display his vulnerabilities, to show her his heart--"to unzip his chest."
Men often engage in "report-talk" and women in "rapport talk." For men, talk is information, for women, it is interaction. Women see conversation as a vehicle to establish and maintain connections. From childhood, men learn to use talking as a way to get and keep attention. They are more comfortable speaking publicly to strangers than they are speaking privately to the love of their life.
This does not apply to all men, but basically:
Men build; women make nests.
Men buy stuff; women shop.
Men have buddies; women need true friends.
Women think about their friends, but rarely analyze them. How many close friends and acquaintances do you currently have in your friendship bank? How many of us have a carefully thought-out plan for handling conflict?
Women strengthen each other
In spite of their competitiveness, women need each other as never before. Not only has history trivialized female friendships, but during the last three decades we have glorified heterosexual relationships above all else. We have so sexualized relationships between men and women that we have created a stand-off between the sexes.
Women are often separated from their families. Some women come home to empty apartments at night or women work all day only to come home to numerous demands from their immediate families. They have no time for themselves much less for friends. Who will help them deal with loneliness? When relationships end, to whom will they go for comfort?
We need friends whether single or married. Husbands provide love and support, but friendships give us that "open and easy relationship" women crave.
Friendships serve as buffers against stress
Our friends, especially our best friends, are buffers against stress. They listen to our problems and concerns, and when we leave their presence, we feel better than we came. It is little wonder that isolation depresses us and the company of our dearest friends relaxes and restores us. Sociologist Pat O'Connor says women who are rich in friendships enjoy better physical health, live longer, and are less probe to alcoholism, suicide and mental illness than those who are lonely and isolated.
Friendships improve marriages
Married women need to be close to their husbands and a female friend. Studies have found that women who have close friends are happier in their marriages. If we have friends we can talk to about our problems, we put less pressure on our husbands. We spread our needs around and get both a male and female perspective. Some men may initially be threatened when their wives spend a lot of time with their friends. But over time most husbands find that their wives are happier when they also have close friends to confide in.
Men may not know it, but their marriages have often been helped by their wife's best friend. Contrary to male fears, our best friends, even if they are privy to some of our marital issues are not usually divisive. A word of caution, is necessary here, though. It is important when airing grievances about your husband to do so without character assassination.
Friends are needed as confidantes, as support players, as guides in rearing our children, as companions. They accept us, affirm us and understand what it means to be a woman. They hold us accountable; they help us grow. When we are married they provide an undergirding support for our marriages, and when we are single they are the people we go to for in-depth understanding.
Making a powerful friendship stronger
An intimate friend is a cherished treasure. As you reflect on such relationships in your life, a shadow of concern can flicker when you wonder whether or not this friendship has what it takes to last forever. As women, we desire the security in knowing that the many secrets you have shared together, the tears you have cried and the heartaches you have worked through will be safe
There is no guarantee in any relationship except the one we have with Jesus Christ. As we place Him first and foremost in all of our relationships and follow Him, He will provide us the strength, wisdom and discernment we need through every difficulty, every struggle and every blessing we encounter as we build relationships.
It takes risk to be vulnerable, but as we open ourselves up and allow the Holy Spirit to fill our being, He will guide our steps, catch us when we stumble and enable us to be women of strength as we discover the power of intimacy.
Discover more about theHoly Spirit
[i].Ruthellen Josselson, Finding Herself: Pathways to Identity Development in Women

Karen Schenk is the managing director for TruthMedia Internet Group, of which Christian Women Today is part. She and her husband Cam have three children.
Single or married, why you can't afford to neglect female friends
Our friends are among life's greatest treasures. They help us negotiate the difficult hurdles of life--the travails of puberty, our "unreasonable" parents, our 20-something romances. Later they coach us through first-time motherhood. They are there when kids go off to college and will walk us through menopause. In their presence we laugh about what drove us crazy hours before, with them we cry without shame, knowing we will be understood.
Such intimacy requires and investment of time, energy and emotions. There's always the risk--will I get hurt?
But the dividends of intimate friendship are so many, that we simply can't afford not to make the investment.
Women fulfill relational needs
In their attempt to help us deal with problems, men focus on solutions, not feelings. Psychologist Dr. Josselson, describes male development as hierarchical, using the image of the pyramid, and female development as interconnected, like a web. [i] Throughout their lives, men are concerned with ascendancy and self-protection in conversation and life, but women make themselves vulnerable in order to anchor their lives in relationships with men, children and other women. Part of the way we make ourselves vulnerable in our relationships is through conversations.
A woman wants words that recognize her feelings, for these words show that her husband cares. She wants her husband to display his vulnerabilities, to show her his heart--"to unzip his chest."
Men often engage in "report-talk" and women in "rapport talk." For men, talk is information, for women, it is interaction. Women see conversation as a vehicle to establish and maintain connections. From childhood, men learn to use talking as a way to get and keep attention. They are more comfortable speaking publicly to strangers than they are speaking privately to the love of their life.
This does not apply to all men, but basically:
Men build; women make nests.
Men buy stuff; women shop.
Men have buddies; women need true friends.
Women think about their friends, but rarely analyze them. How many close friends and acquaintances do you currently have in your friendship bank? How many of us have a carefully thought-out plan for handling conflict?
Women strengthen each other
In spite of their competitiveness, women need each other as never before. Not only has history trivialized female friendships, but during the last three decades we have glorified heterosexual relationships above all else. We have so sexualized relationships between men and women that we have created a stand-off between the sexes.
Women are often separated from their families. Some women come home to empty apartments at night or women work all day only to come home to numerous demands from their immediate families. They have no time for themselves much less for friends. Who will help them deal with loneliness? When relationships end, to whom will they go for comfort?
We need friends whether single or married. Husbands provide love and support, but friendships give us that "open and easy relationship" women crave.
Friendships serve as buffers against stress
Our friends, especially our best friends, are buffers against stress. They listen to our problems and concerns, and when we leave their presence, we feel better than we came. It is little wonder that isolation depresses us and the company of our dearest friends relaxes and restores us. Sociologist Pat O'Connor says women who are rich in friendships enjoy better physical health, live longer, and are less probe to alcoholism, suicide and mental illness than those who are lonely and isolated.
Friendships improve marriages
Married women need to be close to their husbands and a female friend. Studies have found that women who have close friends are happier in their marriages. If we have friends we can talk to about our problems, we put less pressure on our husbands. We spread our needs around and get both a male and female perspective. Some men may initially be threatened when their wives spend a lot of time with their friends. But over time most husbands find that their wives are happier when they also have close friends to confide in.
Men may not know it, but their marriages have often been helped by their wife's best friend. Contrary to male fears, our best friends, even if they are privy to some of our marital issues are not usually divisive. A word of caution, is necessary here, though. It is important when airing grievances about your husband to do so without character assassination.
Friends are needed as confidantes, as support players, as guides in rearing our children, as companions. They accept us, affirm us and understand what it means to be a woman. They hold us accountable; they help us grow. When we are married they provide an undergirding support for our marriages, and when we are single they are the people we go to for in-depth understanding.
Making a powerful friendship stronger
An intimate friend is a cherished treasure. As you reflect on such relationships in your life, a shadow of concern can flicker when you wonder whether or not this friendship has what it takes to last forever. As women, we desire the security in knowing that the many secrets you have shared together, the tears you have cried and the heartaches you have worked through will be safe
There is no guarantee in any relationship except the one we have with Jesus Christ. As we place Him first and foremost in all of our relationships and follow Him, He will provide us the strength, wisdom and discernment we need through every difficulty, every struggle and every blessing we encounter as we build relationships.
It takes risk to be vulnerable, but as we open ourselves up and allow the Holy Spirit to fill our being, He will guide our steps, catch us when we stumble and enable us to be women of strength as we discover the power of intimacy.
Discover more about theHoly Spirit
[i].Ruthellen Josselson, Finding Herself: Pathways to Identity Development in Women

Karen Schenk is the managing director for TruthMedia Internet Group, of which Christian Women Today is part. She and her husband Cam have three children.